Murder and Astrology.

Aries
An Aries will kill you for a matter of principle. And when he does, well, it will be in
some contest of arms or wits, and the Aries will turn out to be undisputed master of
whatever piece of cutlery is singing its way into your black heart. This will inevitably
be an unpleasant surprise for you.
You will not have much time to talk your way out of being chopped up by some
cutlass wielding Aries. They usually start by cutting off your ears, then your nose.
Falling to your knees and begging for mercy will not work until after you lose a few
body parts. Aries likes proof they are better, and nothing works better than seeing
your ears on the ground. But after that, you have a good slim chance.
Aries will leave your segmented remains in a steaming, gory pile for the buzzards.
Aries is rarely prosecuted for murder because of their original methods of dispatch
and brazen methods. The police admire this sort of excellence and usually just
throw up their hands and keep the evidence photos for office parties.

Taurus
A Taurus will kill you for all the traditional reasons: money, sex, and revenge. In this,
they are predictable, which is good. Unfortunately, the average Taurus has
unnatural reserves of strength in their bodies, which makes being strangled an
unpleasant possibility. If you are unlucky, the Taurus you inspire to murder you will
have some sort of military training. This will greatly reduce your chances of survival.
Even the Boy Scout trained Taurus is an efficient killing machine. For some reason,
the Air Force trained Taurus are the most lethal.
There is not much you can do to stop Taurus once he has decided to pull your arm
out of the socket. Reason is futile. Threats of revenge will just make him angrier and
make your last moments more painful. You have a slim hope with bribery, but,
again, this could backfire and turn the swift murdering Taurus into an extended
torture session with you and your money as the star attraction. There is something
in the Taurus personality that is a pirate, and it is best left dormant.
Practical Taurus will use your steaming remains to make something beautiful. This
usually means compost and bone meal for the garden. It appeals to their concept of
universal order that something so vile (you) are now making strong stems and
healthy leaves for the roses and carrots. Your scrotum will most likely be made into
a tobacco pouch, and your giblets made into sandwiches for the homeless. Taurus is
rarely punished for murder as there is rarely any evidence left, and they are

generous to investigating detectives with Cuban cigars, wine and sandwiches.

Raymond Burr is a Taurus.

Gemini
A Gemini will kill you for somehow tricking them. As Gemini is a very intellectually
mobile sign, you probably will not know what you have done. It could be cheating at
Scrabble, or trying to lose at Scrabble, or not cheating enough at Scrabble to give
Gemini some competition because you always lose at Scrabble. As for method,
Gemini will usually favor whatever technique or device they have last seen on Serial
Killer Week on The Crime Channel. Ideally, Gemini would just give you some
amusing, but cleverly erroneous driving directions that take you to some gang
banger headquarters in a car the wrong color. Usually, Gemini just puts out a
contract on your head, taking advantage of their extensive pen pal connections
through their Prison Friends magazine subscription.
You can usually talk a Gemini into not having you killed. They find the idea of being
Judge and Jury rather fun. This may backfire if they get a taste for it and become
serial killers with you as a required prop in the psychodrama.
If you do die, you will likely end up in a landfill. Gemini inevitably ends up in prison
for murder, too.

Cancer
Like all of the water signs, a Cancer will kill you for obscure emotional slights. They
are very emotionally sensitive and not good communicators of their feelings, so you
will usually not realize that they are planning to kill you. As for method, Cancer
comes in two varieties either they want you to die quickly and painlessly, or
slowly and in great torment. Poisons figure prominently in their planning, as do
some form of being sealed up or buried alive. If they are really angry, they will burst
into tears and call you names as they shovel dirt onto your face.
Even the most inept wordsmith can talk his way out of being killed by a Cancer. A
simple abject apology, with lots of tears and wailing, can work wonders. Emphasis
should be on being sorry for hurting their feelings, and understanding how you
slighted them, rather than talk of punishment or your right to live. Grovel and eat
dirt.
Cancer likes to make a thoughtful shrine somewhere close to where your body is
preserved in some way. They can visit and recall all the good times you shared
together, and repress any negative memories of your cold blooded murder at their
hands. Unless your mummified corpse is found some decades after the fact, Cancer

will escape punishment. Generally, the police buy whatever flimsy excuses and
cheap alibi Cancer dishes out. It is too much paperwork to prosecute, and besides,
Cancer will provide a lifetime of premium coffee and home baked treats to the
Detective lucky enough to hold your file.

Leo
A Leo will kill you for just being in the way. This is an easily predictable position in
life, so your Leo enemies, though many, are not likely to get you by surprise. The
Leo prefers some form of public slaying, preferably with an admiring crowd, which
is, if you think about it, impractical. Just stay away from public places with the Leos
you have humiliated and you should be fine.
It is hard to avoid death at the hands of a Leo once his fingers are around your
windpipe. You are the villain, and there is not much you can do to save yourself.
Pleading for mercy, or appeals to reason, or offers of money, or divine retribution
just seem to make Leo angrier, and your death will take longer in the bargain. If you
can act like a blubbering coward, this helps. Kissing the ground before their feet is a
proven life saver.
Your body will be left to rot where it falls. Leo will get sent to prison, where he will do
just fine, perhaps writing a novel and getting a university degree. Leo will not suffer
much in prison, which is not much of a consolation.

Virgo
A Virgo will decide to kill you for being somehow unclean. As Virgo is a somewhat
inscrutable sign, this concept of unclean varies from individual to individual. So,
whatever you did will be a surprise. Being an Earth sign, Virgo likes to plan your
murder, perhaps doing additional research and some experimentation. Virgos are
expert users of poison and vicious animals. Expect to find Asbestos in your air
conditioner, or a coral snake in your shower.
If you have your wits about you, you can play along with the whole denial thing
Virgos have going on about their plans to kill you. Just deny that the scorpion in
your shoe is an attempt on your life, but rather an amusing coincidence of nature.
Be sure to laugh. Virgo finds it hard to bludgeon people who are laughing.
Virgo tends to get away with murder as it is almost impossible to prove that they did
it. They do their homework well and most Detectives are too lazy to do the footwork
to put the average Virgo behind bars.

Libra
A Libra will decide to kill you for being unfair, or worst of all, for disagreeing with
them... As Libra live in a rarefied ivory tower of obligation and rituals reminiscent of
the Byzantine Empire, you are pretty much doomed to not live up to their standards.
As for method of murder, Libra is certainly the most lethal in that they are the most
practical when it comes to snuffing out living things. The Libra will select the most
efficient method, and of all the signs, this is the most to be feared.
You can usually talk you way out of certain death at the hands of a Libra by
groveling and admitting how wrong you were and how right they are. When your
abject confession of the astounding truth of their logic is made clear, Libra is less
likely to have you cast into the pit of lime. After all, you are one of the too few
members of humanity who see reason, their reason, and now have more value then
one of the grubby nay saying peasants.
If you do die at their hands, you will usually get a decent funeral. Libra is master of
forgery, and a simple set of cooked death certificates is no problem for the flying
pen of Libra. It will be a nice funeral, too. Much better than you deserve, you bum.

Scorpio
Poor Scorpio gets a bad reputation as some sort of serial killer. Actually, they just
get caught the most, being emotional and abandoning reason and good crime craft
when they go about snuffing enemies and rivals. A Scorpio, being an emotional
water sign, will plot to kill you if you cheat him in a business deal, or you mess with
someone he loves. Pretty mundane, when you think about it. Scorpios do favor
some form of slow and painful method for killing, and they do like to watch. Ideally,
they like to watch your face when they strangle you, but most Scorpios have a
delicate constitution and dont have the strength to match their burning will power
for a good throttling. So, if you do face a homicidal Scorpio, he will usually have a
gun, sometimes a crossbow. They will wound you first, and then deliver some sort of
speech.
During the speech is your time to save yourself. You have to convince the crossbow
wielding Scorpio that you are getting what you deserve because you are scum. If
you can convince the Scorpio that you are more miserable than they are, that your
riches are empty pleasures, that sex is meaningless, that all your treasures are
bitter, you just might escape your fate.
If you fail, you die. You will be left to rot. Scorpio inevitably ends up in prison,
anyway, but they have a spiritual and intellectual rebirth. They become stronger
and better in prison, which is not much of a consolation.

Sagittarius
This fire sign has an idealistic concept of rights and obligations so you are certain to
offend them in some way. As most Sagittauri are some form of legal groupie, you
can be assured that you will be barraged with Building code and Bylaw infractions
as a warning that you have pissed off some Sag. If it turns ugly, expect to be
framed. Sag is a master of framing people. So when you find the crime bosss
missing accounting ledger in your briefcase, along with a business card from the
local FBI, you can expect a heavy knock on your door soon after. Sag really doesnt
like killing people, so putting them away in prison for life for a crime they did not
commit is more their style. They get better at this as they get older and more
experienced.
Sag rarely confronts his victims, unless he has some sort of religious background.
You then must fall to your knees and play along. Guard your tongue and restrict
yourself to pleas for mercy and confessions of unworthiness. Do not banter
theological concepts with the Sag who holds your life in your hands they may
decide that you are a heretic. It will not go well for you.
Sag likes to dump the bodies of their victims in golf course water obstacles. They
usually escape prison on legal technicalities, which encourage them.

Capricorn
Capricorns spend most of their time plotting to off pretty most everybody they
know, so it is just a given that the Capricorns in your life will toy with having you put
down at least once a month. What makes them move you into the active
destruction bin is if you somehow thwart their ambition. Could be most anything.
These earth signs like to plan things, and this is not good for you. When whatever
well researched mechanism springs shut on your neck, there will not be much time
for pleading for mercy.
If you are lucky, you may get some face time with Capricorn before he finishes you
off. You must convince the Capricorn that you are somehow useful, that you have
information or skills that will further his ambitions. This will not be easy, as they
usually already know everything about you. Stalin was a Capricorn.
As part of their efficient planning, body disposal figures high up there. You will be
rendered into hamburger, sausage, or hot dogs. For some reason, Capricorns like to
keep teeth. If your Capricorn friend has any sort of collection of teeth, be careful
he is a serial killer. Capricorns rarely go to prison for a single caper. If they go down,
its something big.

Aquarius
Aquarius rarely admits to himself that he is plotting murder, but still manages to
dispatch a respectable number of victims anyway. Being a social air sign, Aquarius
prefer to stalk people who offend their idealistic social beliefs this may be the
person who doesnt sort his recycling bin, who smokes in public, or complains about
taxes. So, you will not get much warning. Aquarians are not very sophisticated when
it comes to murder methods. They like guns, and the political Aquarian will use
either a pistol (if against gun control) or a shotgun (if for gun control).
Before you are murdered, the Aquarian just loves to have some sort of show trial,
even if nobody else is there. This is your chance. Listen patiently to the crimes you
have committed, and the horrible sentence decided upon the gun wielding
Aquarian, acting as Judge and Jury. Now, you must agree with them and move the
conversation towards re-habilitation. Promise anything, and make it grandiose and
symbolic. Promise to work in a food bank, whatever. This just might save your skin.
If you are dead, the Aquarian will leave your shattered body where it is. Arrest and
trial for the murderous Aquarian inevitably follows.

Pisces
As a water sign, Pisces puts up with more abuse and degradation than most others.
This makes them great employees. Sometimes, something snaps in their minds, and
they begin to fantasize about having you tortured to death. Mere murder is not an
option for Pisces. They want you to suffer, suffer long and hard. Water, or liquids, or
liquefied metals, figure strongly in the elaborate ritual murders that Pisces spend so
much time day dreaming about at their assigned work stations.
You can elude certain death by coming up with some creative story of suffering and
alienation that somehow outstrips their own experience. It better be good.
Your body will be sent to a watery grave, or dissolved in lime. Pisces inevitably gets
away with murder, not realizing how much better they would feel if they were in
prison, which is really a Pisces paradise.

Zodiac Signs and the weapons they'd use for murder, and how they'd do it.

Aries: a knife, lots of stab wounds, especially ones in the face- most likely a
rage kill. After they were done stabbing you, they'd start ripping you limb
from limb, even if you were already dead. That, or they'd criticize you, but it'd
be so on point that you'd feel bad enough to kill yourself.

Taurus: Their bare hands and they'd strangle you to death. They'd stare into
your eyes intensely as they suffocated you to death, maybe even adding in a
few dramatic "I got you in the end, you know." phrases while doing it.

Gemini: It all depends on what is convenient for them to use as a murder

weapon- they're clever, so they'd figure it out quickly. Most cannibals are
Geminis, so they'd probably eat you afterwards. If you really fucked them
over, maybe they'd cut off your hands and watch you bleed to death,
probably laughing while doing it.

Cancer: They'd take you to the beach and find a secluded area only to tie
you to a boulder in the shallows of the beach and watch the tide slowly drown
you and sea creatures start to pick at your helpless/crying for help corpse.

Leo: They'd make a whole sport of it- they'd find a bunch of really sadistic,
fucked up people on the black market and put you in a pit filled with big cats
(especially lions), you'd here "let the games begin!" and a spotlight would
come on the death pit as your torn to shreds.

Virgo: They'd make it look like an accident somehow. Regardless, no one

would ever find out that they did it, because they'd cover their tracks well
enough.

Libra: Similar to the Virgo one, but they'd definitely pretend to be distraught
by what happened, and mask that they were involved really well...but in
order to get you back, they'd get your family, your friends, and other people
you cared about to show THEM sympathy, and to be on their side.

Scorpio: Succinylcholine injection after chloroforming the person helpless.

(sp? A horse tranquilizer that is extremely hard to detect and basically make
the person POWERLESS to do ANYTHING except suffocate to death. It makes
all muscles go soft.) And they'd talk to you about how powerless and helpless
you were until you died.

Sagittarius: beating the shit out of someone until they were literally an
unrecognizable bloody mass.

Capricorn: Shooting someone in the head, Mafioso style. They'd want it to

be quick and clean, and they'd have organized a team to cover for them,
dump the body, and probably hired Virgo to hide the evidence.

Aquarius: It'd either be something really strange, whacky, and off the wall,
like killing someone in the middle of a play by planning to have a stage light
dropped on them, or they'd make an example of you in front of a bunch of
their "followers" which they'd most likely have if they were crazy enough to
kill.

Pisces: They'd capture you and play surgeon, the whole time ranting and
raving about "how it feels" to feel pain as intensely as the emotional pain that
they feel. They'd make sure that the kill took a long time so that they had a
captive audience for a long time- another reason they'd prolong it is they'd
enjoy being the predator instead of the victim for once.