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    Happiness by Mary Lavin-1 PDF

    Hochgeladen von

    Andreea Dana

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Als PDF herunterladen oder online auf Scribd lesen
    Markieren Sie unangemessene Inhalte
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    Happiness Mary Lavin Moers sassy. ts ernment wnaey aig bu thaw cite ee wells de eae deep dep, deey. Her theme washapines whee ae ito og whee we might fi etre hese ent fot mast be guarded. Never mus we Sent na sles. Nor ink seo i xa opp “Take Fate Hugh” Moher fae she oe at hin, “According tit, sow nan ingen at a test—ancary nein fyouplewe” had hes hee ‘prt putapherhand. “There may bea ess a inthe theory-—for some pple Bt au for eae hope fo my cilren” She lose scenes oe Welaghed None of had ha much expences row Bev and I were chile and Linde Soh eee ey Our fate ied suey a» shone ta Ted fe seemed serous. e knowm people oe ern ‘Abia or kapins” Noto 30 Essceseeaeeiseaeeid’ -;GuUuazeeUsUSvauUaa{USHTSETeETUnsUan ii cestuemecianewanais Happiness 31 Father Hugh protested again, “You're not putting me in that class, I hope?" Father Hugh, ever since our father died, had been the clos est of anyone to us as a family, without being close to any one of us in particular—even to Mother. He lived in a monastery ‘near our farm in County Meath, and he had been one of the celebrants atthe Requiem High Mass our fether’s political importance had demanded. He met us that day forthe fist time, but he took to dropping into see us, with the idea of filling the crater of loneliness lft st our center. He did not ‘know that there was a cavity in his own life, much less that we would fil it. He and Mother were both young in those days, and perhaps it gave scandal to some that he wis so often in out house, staying tll late into the night and, indeed, thinking nothing of stopping all night if there was any special reason, such as one of us being sick. He had even on occasion slept there ifthe night was too wet for ramping home across the fields When we girls were young, we were $0 used to having Father Hugh around that we never stood on ceremony with hhim but in his presence dried our hair and pared our nails and never minded what garments were strewn about. A for Mother—she thought nothing of running out ofthe bathroom in her slip, brushing her teeth of combing her hair, if she ‘wanted to tell him something she might otherwise forge. And she brooked no criticism of her behavior, “Celibacy was never ‘meant to take all the warmth and homelines out of theit lives," she sa On ths point, to, Bea was adamant. Bea, the middle sister, was our orace.“T'm so glad he has Mother,” she sid, “as well 88 her having him, because it must be awful the way most women treat them—priess, I mean—as if they were pariah. Mother treats him like «human being-—thats all” ‘And when it came to Mother's eas that there had been 32, Many Lavin, PEE eee eee Hapomess 33 s0ssip about her making free with Father Hugh, she opened her eyes wide in astonishment, “But he's only «priest she sid Bea giggled. “I's « good job he didn’t hear that,” she said {0 me afterwards. “It would undo the good she's done him, You'd think he was a eunuch.” “Beal” I sti. “Do you think he's in love with het?” “IF so, he doesn’t know i” Bea stid firmly I's her soul he's after! Maybe he wants to make sure of her in the neat world!” But thoughts of the world to come never troubled Mother “If anything ever happens to me, children,” she said, “sudden, ty, Tmean, or when you are not near me, or I cant speak to you, I want you to promise you won't feel bad. There's no ‘eed! Just remember that I had a happy life—and that Thad to choose my kind of heaven Td ake ton this earth with you ‘again, no matter how much you might annoy me!" You see, annoyance and fatigue, according to Mother, and ven illness and pain, could coexist with happiness. She had 8 habit of asking people if they were happy at times and in places that—to say the leas of it—seemed tous inappropriate, “Bat are you happy?” she'd probe as one lay sick and bathed in sweat, or in the throes of a jumping toothache. And once in our presence she made the inguity ofan old friend as he lay ‘upon his deathbed, “Why not?” she said when we took her to task for it ater, “Isnt it more important than ever to be happy when you're ying? Take my own father! You know what he said in his lot ‘moments? On his deathbed, he defied me to name a man who hhad enioyed a beter life. In spite of dreadful pin, his face ‘radiated happiness” Mother nodded her head. comfortably ‘Happiness drives out pain, as fre burns out fire Having no knowledge of our own to pit against hers, we ‘hirsily drank in her thetoic. Only Bea was sceptical. “Per ‘naps you go it from him, like spots of fever,” she sid. “Or something that could atleast be slipped from hand to hand.” “Do you think I'd have taken it if that were the case” ‘Mother cried. “Then, when ke needed it mot “Not there and then!” Bea said stubbornly.“ meant as @ sort of legacy.” “Don't you think in thar case,” Mother said, exasperated, “he would have felt obliged to leave ito your grandmother?” Certainly we knew that in spite of his lavish heart our grand: father had failed to provide our grandmother with enduring happiness. He had passed that job on to Mather. And Mothet had not made to good «fst oft, even when Father was living and she had him—and, later, us ehildren—to help, ‘As for Father Hugh, he had given aur grandmather up easly inthe game. “God Almighty coulda'tmake that woman happy,” he suid one day, seeing Mothers face, drawn and pale with fatigue, preparing forthe nightly un over ther own mother’s flat that would exhaust her utterly ‘There were evenings after she came home from the library ‘where she worked when we saw her sind with the ar keys in ther hand, tying to think which would be worse—to slog over there on foot or take out the car again. And yet the distance was short. It was Mother's day that had been too long, “Weren't you over to see her this morning?” Father Hugh demanded, “No matter” sid Mother. She was no doubt thinking ofthe forlorn face our grandmother always put on when she was leaving. (“Don't say good night, Vera,” Grandmother would plead, “It makes me feel 00 lonely. And you never ca tell YoU might slip over again before you goto bed”) “Do you know the time?” Bea would say impatiently, if she happened to be with Mother. Not indeed thet the lateness of ‘the hour counted for anything, becaute in al likelihood Mother ‘would go back, ifonly to pass by under the window and sce that 34 Many Lavin the geo ox nd ten and mk eta fn athe coul tal wa el “Tout mind if she was happy” Mother wi “And how o you kaow she's a wed a “en peopl re happy, can feel Ca you” Weve on re Man people ought cut pundmaber waraay crests anal by beg who ren age age Ihhed ike a il and more remalaly ng te one ‘heen sna her dy Buteak and claw wee fae She Shin cng of ecg Meter cho oop es eee it her crands yer not aac igs Not gee at thas fe not enor saga wat, Rta a ote tha eer 1 want an between Kd” Trove one dy, my ung ier, Lins, tmned and fave bates “Youe mean she eid, "You love ong people su” rte snes, ef Linda had asclimed an ati bute ar aapr bdo lee” hei“ Led (be called Mis imperos™ Dd is Imperos te remaine alongs she ie een wn he a oer newer hen ee Swit yh nc het danced nae oto cal ‘her daughter Mother, as we did. efcieieiceaecciet ‘There was on great prae ih which our grandmother opened every sentence: if ely i ny she aye hen Mecae ost her=ifonly od cme cares, beer Ts worn ou exptig you” Or Ie wer ary then iFonly War iterate he ada est nd could eno wb efor And ine rogh het Howe she'd igh ohn th oniy we’ bog therm the previous day he have had tort apreite theory war py tee were longer If ony we'd picked ew pee eae or iced tome bu because, te said purging oor ower se brought were sey witng. We might uta el not Havoniess 35 have brought them! As the years went on, Grandmother had riew bead to add to fer rosary if only her friends were not Sit dead! By their absence, they reduced to nil all rea! enjoy eatin anything, Our own father—her son-in-law—was the ne person who had ever gone close to pleasing her. But even here there had been a snag. “If only he was my real son!" she sed to say, with a sigh. ‘Mother's mother lived on through our childhood and into ‘our early maturity (though she outlived the money our grand father left het), and in our minds she was a complicated mis: ture of valiance and defeat. Courageous and generous within the limits of her own life, her simplest demand was yet enor mous in the larger frame of Mother’s life, and so we never Could see her with the sume clarity of vision with which we saw ‘Sur arandiather, of our own father. Them we saw only through ‘Mother's eyes. “Take your grandfather! him, his eyes burning upon us-—yes, upon ws, although in his day only one of us had been born: me. At another time, Mother ‘would cry, "Take your own father!” and instantly we'd see him all, handsome, young, and much more suited to marry one of us than poor bedraggled Mother, Most fascinating ofall were the times Mother would say “Take me!” By magic then, staring down the years, we'd see blazingly clea small girl with black hair and buttoned boots, ‘who, though plain and pouting, burned bright, ikea sta.“ twas happy, you see,” Mother said. And we'd strain hard to try land understand the mystery ofthe light that sil radiated from her. “T used to lean along a tre that grew out over the river,” she said, and look down through the gray leaves atthe water ‘owing past below, and I used to think it was not the stream that flowed but me, spread-eagled over it, who flew throult the aie! Like a bird! ‘That 4 found the secret!” She made it feem there might be such a secret, just waiting to be found. She'd cry, and instantly we'd see 36 Many Lavin Another time she'd dream that she'd be a great singer. “We dida’t know you sang, Mother!” She had to laugh. “Like a erow,” she said ‘Sometimes she used to think she'd swim the Channel “Did you swim shar well, Mother?” “Oh, not really —just the breaststroke,” she sid. “And then only bythe aid of two pig bladders blown up by my father and tied around my middle. But T used to throb-—yes,theob—with happiness.” Behind Mothers back, Bea raised her eyebrows What was it, we used to ask ourselves-—that quality that she, we flr sure, misnamed? Wasit courage? Wat itstrengt, health, ‘or high spirits? Something you could not give or take—a co ‘nundrum? A game of eatch-as-catch-can? “L know,” cried Bea, “A sham!” Whatever it was, we knew that Mother would let no wind of violence from within or without tear it from he. Although, one evening when Father Hugh was with us our astonished cars heard her proclaim that there might be a time when one had to slacken hold on it—let goto catch at it again with & surer hand, Inthe way, we supposed, thatthe high-wire walker ‘up among the painted stars of his eanvas sky must wait to fling himself through the air until the bar he catches ata stared to sway perversely ftom him. Oh no, nol That downward drag st our innards we could not bear, the belly swelling to the shape of a pear. Let happiness go by the board “After all, lts of people seem to make out without i.” Bea cried It was too tricky a business. And might it not be that one had to be born with a flair for i? “A flair would not be enough,” Mother enswered. “Take Father Hugh. He, if anyone, had a flair for it—-a natural capacity! You've only to look at him when he's of guard, with you children, or helping me in the garden. But he rejects happiness! He cass it from him, SSEREREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOEEEECERSSRIS§ © _swudicibcuuuunseucuctanansaieeeeerassssnieeeeeisnsnenia00zai Haprivess 37 hat is simply not tue, Vera," ried Father Hugh, over: hearing her. “ts just that I dont place an inordinate value on itlike you. I don't think i's enough to carry one al the way ‘To the end, I mean—and after.” “Oh, don’t talk about the end when we're only in the mid- dle” cried Mother, And, indeed, at that moment her own face shone with such happiness it was hard to believe that er earth was nother heaven, Certainly it was her constant contention that of happiness she had had a lion’s share. This, however, we, in private, doubted. Perhaps there were times when she hhad had a surplus of it—when she was young, s4, with her redoubtable father, whose love blazed circles around her, mab ing winter into summer and ice into fire. Perhaps she did have ‘brimming measure in her early marred years. By straining hhard, we could find traces left in our minds from those days ‘of milk and honey. Our father, while he lived, had cast a magic over everyting, for us a8 wel as for her. He held his love up over us like an umbrella and kept off the roubles that after wards came down on us, pouring cats and dogs! ‘Butifshe did have more than the common lot of happiness in those early days, what use was that when we could remem ber so clearly how our father’s death had ravaged her? And hhow could we forget the distress it brought on us when, afraid to lether out of our sight, Bea and I stumbled after her every- where, through the woods and along the bank of the river, Where, in the weeks that followed, she tried vainly to find peace. ‘The summer after Father died, we were invited to France to stay with fiends, and when she went walking on the cliffs at Fécamp our fears for her grew frenzied, so that we hung on to her arm and dragged at her skier hoping that like leaded weights we'd pin her down if she went too neat to the edge. But at night we had to abandon our watch, being forced to follow the conventions of a family sill whole—a home still 38 Many Lav Inact—and go bed athe sme time a the other hen Iwasa tha hour, when he ca pad was pee ‘owing boars an the and was teal snd gave teh Moter ted to swith And when she ad ces Kite, and ie us, ur hears edie a ee cree out of bed again to standin or bate fect tne ee tnd atch asthe ran down te shingle tng oe a reached the water wt, fa ou wate ana eee one athe pays coed over er If we Gob rt her fran instant, wa poset nd he as Oh, mae her un bucks God plete” Tne ft oud one nig Stari Bea med aay fo the window. “Shel haeto ‘ain tack ometine, wont she Une Lacking our dap hands topethc, aed ut agin "She woul" I whispered," would be se Secate inthe eterting pve! of ine et ut our breath ‘Then He enh cht ap “Wha she pent a sheviedupahersrengh Shecouln' in nanos be a sin then!” a “ive the mention tht coun" whispered A second nr, me cold se an amit Heavily up and ‘ea cleave dv, anda lat Mother ts te dene wading back to shore, : “Dont et er ew” ied Be. As iow chaterng eth woul ot ge us avay when the loadin st ene a ‘eat to herown oom onthe ater sides thecong hens Ine in then ometies the undoes se at What was it worth—a happiness bought that dearly, ‘Mother had never questioned it. And once she tod us, “On ‘wintry day, I brought my own mother a snowdrop. teas the hhad come up stunted first one of the year—a bleak bud that Havoivess 39 before its time—and I meant it fora sign, But do you know what your grandmother said? ‘What good are snowdrops to me how?” Such a thing to say! What good is a snowdcop at all if it doesn't hold its value always, and never lose i! Isn't thatthe ‘whole point of a snowdrop? And that is the whole point of happiness, too! What good would it be if it could be erased without trace? Take me and those daffeils” Stooping, she buried her face ina bunch that lay on the table waiting to be putin vases. “If they didn’t hold their beauty absolute and inviolable, do you think I could bear the sight of thers after what happened when your father was in hospital?” Tewasa fair question. When Father went to horpital, Mother went with him and stayed in small hotel arose the street so she could be with him all day from eatly to late. “Because it ‘was 50 awful for him—being in Dublin!” she sid, “You have zo idea how he hated it.” ‘That he was dying neither of them realized. How could they know, as it ushed through the sky, that their star wa falling star! But one evening when she'd left him asleep Mother came home for afew hours o se how we were faring, and it broke her heart to see the daffodils out all over the place—in the ‘woods, under the tees, and along the sides of the avenue. ‘There had never been so many, and she thought how awful das that Father was missing them, "You sent up litle bunches tw him, you poor dears” she seid, “Sweet litle bunches, too— squeezed tight as posies by your lite ists! Bu stuffed into vases they couldn't really make up to him for not being able to see them growing!” So om the way back to the hospital she stopped her car and pulled a great bunch—the full oer arms. “They took up the ‘whole back seat,” she said, “and was so excited a the thought of walking into his room and dumping them on his bed-—you know—justplomping them down s0 he could smell then, and fel them, and look and look! didn’t mean them tobe put in 40 Maky Lavin vases o anything ridiculous like that—it would have taken @ ‘inwater barrel to hold them, Why, I could hardly ace over them as I came up the steps; [kept tripping, But when I came {nt the hall, that nun—I told you about her—that aun came "up to me, sprang out of nowhere it semed, although I know ow that she was waiting for me, knowing that somebody had to bring me to my senses. But the way she did it! Reached out and grabbed the flowers, leting los of them fll—I remember them geting stood on. “Where are you going with those fool {sh flowers, you foolish woman?” she said “Don't you know our husband is dying? Your prayers are ll you ean give him "She was gh as flsh, Bu nas’ cued Aer sad, war noting bt less he ay ged ee shilden after me all over Europe. Af any oot lace do foing to beaten fom ance any Bees ee Your father and T had planned to bring yourathough he Digna molt ae es ‘in such a dilapidated car.” seisee o Oy that tar batered ad dpi ced sor cn 10 depleted of accesories tht when, evetaly we tors ee weather jumped out to mp he manree ether cee Bodine sh et don he window ater ae frgeting she now hd shorn Howe eds tral our uggge ers ere npn ou! other ero, se, of ho you a opin Sac “The Alps are not hills, Mother!” I pointed out coldly, a5 Havoiess 41 Td doe athe time, en, a stall happene, the ar 1a tomateiton one ofthe inclines Mother let tran back sat edped gun the roc face, and Ra tad wl i she got gong aan in gear But when aot aed it coun be stopped to pick me up unt 1 gto the vere they ha © wat fore, and fra Yrs lng tine Atel” she sy sighing milly atthe tout of hove ign "ou got something ot of the, hop. Al tat eng most eve helped you with yor geography and Your fe looked at eachother and smiled, and then Moher her cv lmghed: “Remember he ine” se sid "when we were {stay andi was Eater, and all the shops were chock-full food The butcher shope had poulry and game haneing Spouse he dors full feathered, and with hi poo eas Siping loc, and in the windows hey had porte lambs Sed sucking pig and young goal ined and Ranging thet hind fet" Mosher shuddered. "They tisk 50 ch {bout ood ound reveling, had ory ps But Lind, feo ost have ben ony fut then dragged me nd ated Ind sted You know how chiren re at ht as te) have ‘moti scinaton fo whet cre! nd bloody, ee fae Wes funtedant her eyes were mie Thar her backs he tl But next morning se cept ny fo. Sh rept op ome thd presed ais me "Ca weg ack, js One, and ook fesin at that shop? she whepered. "The shop where vey have the lite clten hanging up for Ease twas the young oat of course bu sud ids’ Tespote. How we ned" But her face nas grave, "You were god on those ip al ff you" she said "You were relly very goo hire in several Otherwise 1 would never hae puto much fo into foun yu, because 1 wast abit maternal. You brought out the besin ie Lp an antral er ito You of Due, because nas iaking my standard om your ahr, orgecing 42 Many Lavin ‘that his might not have remained so inflexible if he had lived to middle age and was beset by life, like other parents” ‘Well, the job i nearly over now, Vera,” said Father Hugh, ind you didn’ do so badly,” “Thatsright, Hugh,” ssid Mother, and she straightened up, and put her hand to her back the way she sometimes did in the arden when she got up from her knees after weeding. “1 didn't go over to the enemy anyway! We survived!” Then ¢ fash of defiance came into her eyes. “And we were happy, That's the main thing!” Father Hugh frowned. “There you go again! he said, Mother turned on him. “I don’t think you realize the on- slaughts that were made upon our happiness! The minute Robert died, they came down on me--cohorts of relatives, fiends, even strangers, all draped in black, opening their arm, like bats to let me pass into their company. “Life iso vale of tears’ they sid, “You are privileged to find it out so young!” Ugh! After I staggered onto my feet and began to take hold of life once more, they fell back defeated, And the fst day I gave & laugh—pouf, they were blown aut like candles. They weree't living in a real world at all; they belonged toa ghosty world where life was easy all one had to do was stand weep. I takes «fort to push back the stone from the mouth ofthe tom and wal out” Effort, Effort. Ab, but that strange-sounding word could invoke little sympathy from those who had not learned yet What it meant. Life must have been hardes for Mother sp those years when we older ones were at college-—no longer children, and stil dependent on her. Indeed, we made more «demands on her than ever then, having moved into new arees of activity and emotion. And out friends! Our friends came ond went as frely as we did ourselves, 0 thatthe house was often like a café—and one where pets were not prohibited but took "heir places on our chars and beds, as regardless asthe people, ECE eereeee eEeeeecreee ae Haprivess 43 anyway it was hard to have sympathy for someone who fering im sucha sate as Mather Allover the house here Sts cluter, Her study wake the urate deparnent {a pst ofc, with stacks of pape everywhere, ils paid and api ee avers er a er et iat Iby misiake we left the door pen on ving {ay we came back to find papers lapping through the air like ffghtened ids, Eficint nly in hse managed eventually ‘Sted ryan began eed Pole users that by Mother's method anything whatever cou ccomplahed In an tempt to Kep ode lewhere, she fate her own Tom the clearinghotee into which the reot opt ererthing things tobe even away hings tobe mended, things to Be stored, things tobe teanired, things tobe turmed-even things tobe thrown out! By the end ofthe yea, seroma obec a, And ene cad lpr the chor ser fe we personals 3 Creton--one might at well iy to fnsh anther perso!s poem. ‘As the years pase Me red around more hectic And although Bea and I had married and were not at home anymore, except at holiday time and for occasional weekends, Linda was noisier than the two of us put together had been, and for every follower we had brought home she brought twenty. The house was never sill. Now that We were reduced to being visitors, we watched Mother's tension mount to vert 0, knowing that, lke a spinning top, she could not rest til she fell. But now atthe smallest pretext Father Hugh would cal inthe doctor and Mother would be put on the mail boat and dispatched for London, For i was essential that she get far ‘enough away to make phoning home everynight prohibitively cont ‘Unfortunatly, the thought of departure often drove a spur into her and she redoubled her effort to achieve order in het 44 Many Lavin Aas, She would be up ui he ea the ety hour ansacting het desk Tor atalway the shores paring eaeed ee ton as for death And wit t were her ead hat son enn we would be smmone, hough sched tose eat 4 rd tous ease ve utes be denanaa at sills anempig 1 repyletestht wre he eg of west and would hive taken whe dyes dapat ‘Don't you know the tx athe doa, Vee Father Hugh woul, rannig hit had though hs he looking very dheveled Rimi She had im aha ae acted ashen “Youcayt doany mare Vaults thee tl you comeback "can ean” Mather wuld ry. ave to cance plans.” z neds Father Hugh opeaed he lidar which was ‘capped up inthe hal and wih aswgc oss hen athe piperson the op ofthe de pene hevcree London” A a " fi ‘Theres, Mothers fogeae avaysinhoded ded an emp case to hol he unnshed pape omer dk And see oe wads a sevard onthe lsh Mal lds she wars ang awe, working avay eters and bls newly al ew Haba to Este. “Ste gv up about Rigo Coe he “She'd get alking to vaeone inthe sompantenes Hesmile. “Thee wat oe incoming down te eee ay Insti ime to tebe hae up te windonwitsgct ie {did't sy anything ut T think she'd emp doe ‘of hers out the window!” een ite likey. When we were children, even afew hours away {fam ue sve es composure. And in two weeks or es, when she'd come home, the wel of her spirt would be freshenea We'd hardly know her—ner sep solight, her eye so bright, and her love and patience once more freely flowing. But in no time Hiaprinsss 45 avall the house would fill up once more with the noise and Confusion oftoo many people and 190 many animals, and again (we'd be fighting our corner with cats and dogs, bats, mice, bees, and even wasps, “Don' kill i!” Mother would ey if we ised a hand t0 an angry wasp. “Just catch it, dear, and put itoutsde, Open the window and lt itty away!” But even this teeatment could at times be deemed too harsh, “Wait a minute Close the window!” she'd cry, "I's too cold outside, I will die ‘That's why it came in, I suppose! Oh dear, what will we da?” Life would be going fall blast again “There was only one place Mother found rest, When she wat at breaking point and fit fal, she go out into the garden— ‘oto sit or soll around bu dig, to drag up weeds to move great clumps of corms or rhizomes, or indeed quit frequently te haul huge rocks from one place to another. She was always laying down a path, building a dry wall, of making compost hheaps as high as hills. However jaded she might be going out, when dark forced her in at lst her step had the spring of a daisy. So if she did not succeed in defining happiness to our understanding, we could see that whatever it was, she pos sessed it to the full when she was in her garden. ‘One of us said as much one Sunday when Bea and I had

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