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January 1, 2015

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4 Huge Mistakes I Made As A Wife

(I'm The Ex-Wife Now)
Posted: 12/29/2014 1:12 pm EST

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Updated: 12/29/2014 7:59 pm EST

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Sloane Bradshaw
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At 174
first it was easy for me to point every single finger and toe at my husband for
u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2Fyourtango%2F7-huge-mistakes-i-madeobliterating our 10-year marriage. He's the one who cheated and walked out without
Tweet
as_b_6355374.html)
looking back. And long before that, he repeatedly shut me out, choosing to bury
(https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?lang=en&text=4+Marriage72 in his689
himself
work to avoid what was happening to us at home.
Killing+Mistakes+I+Made+As+A+Wife+http%3A%2F%2Fhuff.to%2F1xubIq1)

Share
Blame
was Comment
my coping mechanism to get through the first difficult months of our
separation, and "how dare he (gasp!)" was my mantra. I rallied an entire army of
supporters who, like me, were totally, utterly and completely aghast at the nerve -- the
gall -- of this man.

Because obviously being a lying, cheating, family abandon-er trumps anything I did to
our marriage in the past decade. Right?
Wrong.
I deflected any and all culpability in the failure of my marriage for months, holding on
to the picture I painted of myself as the gentle, selfless and long-suffering wife. It
wasn't until I found a therapist who called me out on my bullsh*t that I was forced to
take a long, hard look at my shortcomings.

Divorce

Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day..

It wasn't pretty.
Here's what I now know actually screwed up my marriage. May it serve as a warning
to you. Before it's too late.
1. I put my children first.
It's easy to love your own children. It takes very little effort, and they adore you no
matter what. Marriage is the polar opposite: it's work. And whenever my marriage
started to feel like work, I would check out and head to Build-A-Bear Workshop or the
science museum with the kids in tow. I'd often plan these adventures when I knew my
husband couldn't go (and spoil my good time). I told myself it was OK because he
preferred to work anyway and always seemed grouchy on family outings. I chose most
nights to cuddle with them in our bed, blaming his late-night bedtimes and snoring
for the sleeping arrangement. As a result, we were hardly alone together and never
had kid-free date nights. Well, maybe once a year on our anniversary.
2. I didn't set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents.
They were at our house frequently, sometimes arriving unannounced and walking
right in. They'd "help out" around the house doing things we never asked them to, like
folding our laundry (incorrectly, of course). We'd vacation with them. They'd correct
our children in front of us. My own fears of upsetting my parents kept me from
drawing a line in the sand and asking them not to cross it. The few times I did stand
up for my family's autonomy, I didn't hold my parents to the same standards in
future. My husband, quite literally, married my entire family.
3. I emasculated him.
I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew
more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting
out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. "Can
you believe he didn't do this?" and "Why in God's name did he do THAT?"
Instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his
job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as "hangers-on." I berated him for
doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn't doing them my way. At times I
spoke to him like a child. I controlled the family finances and grilled him over every
single penny he spent. And in the bedroom -- yup, you guessed it -- he was doing that
all wrong too, and I wasn't shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I
found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my
superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt
it every day.
4. I didn't bother to learn to fight the right way.
I know it sounds odd to suggest there is a right way to fight. But there is. I tended to
keep the peace in our house by keeping my mouth shut when things were really
bothering me. As you can imagine, all the small things that drove me crazy grew into a
giant suppressed ball of anger that would erupt occasionally in a huge, really
frightening fit of Hulk-like rage. And by rage, I mean rage in the clinical, mentalhealth definition kind of way. After the fact, I'd justify my anger by saying that a
woman can only take so much. Looking back, I was one scary b*tch during those
episodes.
More from YourTango: 8 Rules You MUST Follow When Fighting With Your
Husband (http://www.yourtango.com/experts/linda-salazar/8-ways-fight-yourhusband-real-adult#.VJRgHsALt)
I write this mea culpa not with the hopes of winning my ex back, or even wanting his
forgiveness. I write this because I can't believe how long I kept my head buried in the
sand. I hope other women out there will yank theirs out and take a good look around.
And while I'm still hurt that my husband chose to solve our problems in another
woman's bed when some conversation and counseling might have helped, I absolutely
know that my behavior was part of what pushed him there.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.
(http://www.yourtango.com/2014245688/4-big-mistakes-i-made-wife-psst-im-exwife-now)
More great content from YourTango:
Got Kids? Stay Married - It's That Simple
(http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-susan-heitler-creator-of-power-of-twomarriage/how-save-your-marriage)
10 Surefire Signs He's Cheating On You
(http://www.yourtango.com/experts/charles-orlando/10-signs-hes-cheating-

expert)
5 Major Wife Mistakes I Make (And You Probably Do Too) (5 Major Wife
Mistakes I Make (And You Probably Do Too))
My Marriage Ended And The Loneliness Is Killing Me
(http://www.yourtango.com/2014225740/marriage-ended-now-lonlinesskilling-me#.VDvqjildWvn)
Also on HuffPost:

Breakup Quotes To Help You Get Through A Split 1 of 15 Close

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Follow YourTango on Twitter: www.twitter.com/YourTango

(http://www.twitter.com/YourTango)
MORE: Marriage Problems, Cheating, Yourtango, Sloane Bradshaw

Conversations
Add a comment

689 comments

Tj Goldstein

Top Commenter

LOL! She didn't put her children first.. what a load of crap. By her own words, she used
her children as a barrier between them both in order to keep him away from her
emotionally, physically and sexually.
Reply Like

293 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 8:20pm

Edward Keller

Top Commenter Macon State College

That's a good point. She put herself first and used her kids.
Reply Like

120 December 29, 2014 at 8:33pm

Ananiah McCarrell
Management

Top Commenter Works at Graham Capital

Bravo TJ!
Reply Like

27 December 29, 2014 at 9:01pm

Marcel Pamphile
Follow Top Commenter Chief Executive Ocer at I
AM my OWN Boss! 145 followers
Well said, Golden Insight...
Reply Like

18 December 29, 2014 at 10:39pm

View 33 more
Bill Myers Shoreham, New York
Gentlemen, don't cheat. Get counseling or get the heck out of marriage. That's the high
road.
Reply Like

253 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 8:03pm

Armando Vega University of Illinois at Chicago

I've always said I would never cheat on an SO, and I never have (only had a
few relationships, but still). BUT! - reading this story...this type of woman
absolutely would deserve it.
Reply Like

10 December 29, 2014 at 9:53pm

Deep Thought University of Florida

So says white Knight Bill....
Would you have so little compassion for a woman in this same condition?
Reply Like

5 December 29, 2014 at 10:09pm

Robert Moore

Top Commenter Atlanta, Georgia

The exact advice I gave to a man in my twenties. He wanted out of his

marriage, but he seemed not to have the balls to do it. He met a woman
who flattered his ego. I strongly advised him that he should have the
integrity to end his marriage before starting a new relationship.
Unfortunately, he did not listen, and it turned into a legal free-for-all. He had
little going for his case. She stripped him to the bone, got custody of their
child, and his girlfriend left him once he could no longer pay for nice things.
Reply Like

83 December 29, 2014 at 10:31pm

View 40 more
Brandon Fleming Registered Nurse at Emergency Room Nurses
Most of the post I have read is still men vs. women or vice versa. I have been married
18+ years & I'm only 37. I've heard every excuse in the book of why people get a
divorce. I am not perfect & neither is my wife. This past year has been tough on our
marriage, BUT we don't accept 'Divorce' as the answer. Marriage is work!!! It's not
always fun & games. It's not always like the movies. And it's sure not going to be
romance & lust for each other all the time. You wake up with each other & smell their
bad breath, etc. BUT...
if BOTH continue to work at it & tell yourself that even though it's tough right now,
things will get better. The only thing I don't agree with Ms. Bradshaw is his cheating.
There is no reason to cheat...period. Marriage is for both the good times & the bad,
through sickness & in health. The ONLY... See More
Reply Like

228 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 8:32pm

Joe Mamaluc Top at Sinclare

Bitch!
Reply Like December 29, 2014 at 8:05pm
TC Smith

Top Commenter Reach High School

Wow, good on you for admiting that. I bet hearing this would make those
SJW flip their shit
Reply Like December 29, 2014 at 8:08pm
Mike Ramey

Top Commenter

Of the articles I've seen here today, this is the BEST one today. The others
seek to 'between the lines' justify divorce as some 'grand adventure', or,
soley blame the man. It may take two to make a marriage, but all it takes is
for one to wreck it. No man wants to be with a shrew. Best plan? Pre-marital
counseling so you can CLEARLY see the road ahead. Amazing. We take
more time to prepare for a driver's test than for marriage, and the results of
not preparing for marriage last a LOT longer. For the 'nay sayers' in here that
want to blame all on the man, let me clue you...the same girlfriends that are
laughing with you about how you 'belittle' your husband, are the same ones
that are sending him 'anonymous' messages and phone numbers. Or, the
same women who are 'cheering' for you to get your divorce are the same
ones who will 'keep you away' from THEIR new man/husband/boo when
they find 'the right one'. God don't like ugly, and ain't to thrilled with pretty.
Reply Like

2 December 29, 2014 at 8:15pm

View 38 more
Kate Frost Masconomet Regional High School
You may have done all those things, and that may be the reason he wanted out, but
none of those reasons justify him cheating on you
Reply Like

163 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 6:18pm

Terry L Woord

Top Commenter

month long headaches and periods can make a man who wouldnt cheat
consider it, and you can bet she was guilty of that too
Reply Like

123 December 29, 2014 at 7:13pm

Rocnviana Crew
yes it does
Reply Like December 29, 2014 at 7:20pm
John Robinson

Top Commenter San Diego High School

Don't need to justify it, just understand it.

Reply Like

88 December 29, 2014 at 7:31pm

View 110 more

Terry L Woord

Top Commenter

glad to see one woman accept and admit she was a witch
Reply Like

124 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 7:12pm

David White

Top Commenter Senior Software Engineer at 7 Layers, Inc.

Yea, better than the responders here, certainly...

Reply Like
Lion Heart

23 December 29, 2014 at 8:01pm

Top Commenter

If you're married Terry, please give your wife my condolences...

Reply Like

118 December 29, 2014 at 8:26pm

Terry L Woord

Top Commenter

Lion Heart nope learned my lesson after the second wife. I would rather be
miserable alone than with a woman making me miserable
Reply Like December 29, 2014 at 8:34pm
View 47 more
Ronne Davis Unversity of West Florida
This lady has done something that is important in getting over a divorce, namely,
confronting and analyzing her contribution to the failure. Both men and women
frequently fail to do that in a breakup. Failures of marriages and relationships are rarely
the fault of only one in the couple.
Reply Like

113 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 8:23pm

Robert Moore

Top Commenter Atlanta, Georgia

A failure to understand is a sure way to repeat the same history.

Reply Like

27 December 29, 2014 at 10:32pm

Jim Towner Dayville, Connecticut

I agree, this is hugely important and is rarely done. It is best to spend some
period of time alone to reflect and examine oneself, rather than jump into the
arms of the next person you find who will accept you 'as is'. We should want
to be better, and know ourselves better and avoid some of the same
mistakes next time around.
Reply Like

23 December 29, 2014 at 11:32pm

Regular Guy
True. As the old saying goes, there are three sides to these stories...his side,
her side, and the truth. It's refreshing to hear someone be able to objectively
evaluate their own role in these dicult circumstances.
Reply Like

15 December 30, 2014 at 2:35am

View 5 more
Michelle Largay Cashier at Loon Lake Exxon
It takes a strong person to examine themselves. Perhaps an even stronger one to then
share their shortcomings with the world.
Reply Like

112 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 8:23pm

Jim Towner Dayville, Connecticut

Can't like your comment enough, Michelle
Reply Like

17 December 29, 2014 at 11:30pm

October Phillips

Follow Fiber Artist at AectionKnitlyO

I absolutely agree Michelle. One of the hardest things one has to do is

confront, admit and accept their share of the responsibility in a failed
relationship. Be it a marriage, an estrangement from family or a lost
friendship. Relationships are not one sided although it may seem that way at
times. I applaud the author for what she learned about herself and her failed
marriage. Its how you learn not be insane - you know repeating the same
thing over and over again expecting the a dierent result.
Reply Like

9 December 30, 2014 at 6:17am

ThinkFor OncePeople

Top Commenter University of California, Riverside

What claptrap. Men leave marriages to escape boredom, responsibility--all

sorts of reasons. When women blame themselves, they just reinforce the
stereotype of the abandoned wifey. Poor you!
Suck it up, lady. No one really cares why your husband left you. The hot
honey he left you for will quickly find out that a man who cheats on his wife
with a paramour will cheat on the paramour with someone else.
Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, dearie. You're well ride of the louse of a
spouse. Move on.
Reply Like

6 December 30, 2014 at 9:55pm

View 2 more
Sasha Kwapinski

Top Commenter California Lutheran University

When women complain about the lack of decent men in the world, perhaps they should
ask themselves whether they would recognize and appreciate a decent man if they saw
one.
Reply Like

61 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 9:08pm

Colleen Devlin

Top Commenter Loyola University Chicago

Weirdly, it appears the majority of people complaining about the opposite

sex here are men.
Reply Like

17 December 30, 2014 at 4:03am

Carrie Carroll Everest University

I am not sure which gender complains more, my point is that some(most)
married couples have it all , then there is always something one of them can
find to complain about . In my opinion the real issue here is that that person
just is not happy within themselves. So find a solution,solution,solution!
Reply Like

2 December 30, 2014 at 9:48am

Karen Campbell

Top Commenter

And vice versa.

I counseled plenty of co-workers who described wanting a decent woman,
yet repeatedly dated surgically-enhanced bar flies. More than one described
his perfect woman as "you, but prettier" or "you, but with bigger boobs."
And then was confused why discarding women because they didn't meet
the ideal of physical beauty meant they never found a woman with inner
beauty.
How many ex-boyfriends have told me that after they married a woman who
was prettier, or bigger boobs, or short enough to make them feel like a big
strong man (I'm too tall for most men), they realized that I was The One Who
Got Away, because her looks didn't make up for my inner qualities.
Reply Like

2 December 30, 2014 at 1:08pm

View 6 more
Jenny Ferguson Transcription Manager at Open System Imaging - Palm Desert
Hopefully people will learn from this. However, it takes two to make a relationship work.
Where were his balls? Why didn't he speak up for himself. Lack of communication is
the main problem here.
Reply Like

35 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 7:06pm

Michael Lawson Capital University Law School

Because, after 10 years of living with that, what is the point in even having a
conversation.
Reply Like

83 December 29, 2014 at 7:22pm

Jessie Polk
Michael Lawson What Jenny doesn't know because she's a woman, is that
men are always told to just do whatever makes the woman happy. "A happy
wife makes a happy life." Yeah, only making one person happy in a
relationship sounds like a great plan.
Reply Like
Jean Bush

1 December 29, 2014 at 7:29pm

Top Commenter Los Angeles, California

Michael Lawson Who knows how many times maybe he tried and was
rebued?
Reply Like

39 December 29, 2014 at 7:39pm

View 22 more
Sharlyn Remrey

Top Commenter

So, then, I guess the right way to be in a successful marriage is to put him above all
else, make excuses for him non stop, forsake your own children, tell both your parents
to get lost, forsake your own wants, desires and feelings and just live for him everyday,
without fail. In addition, never let anyone know that he is less than perfect at all times.
Sounds like hell!! I'd rather be single.
Reply Like

33 Follow Post December 29, 2014 at 10:15pm

Don Taylor

Top Commenter

apologies I have received from women . . . none

Reply Like

4 December 29, 2014 at 8:25pm

Meg Armistead

Top Commenter Atlanta, GA

You obviously missed the entire point of this article.

Reply Like

13 December 30, 2014 at 12:30pm

Sharlyn Remrey

Top Commenter

Meg Armistead Well thats ur opnion. And, i have mine.

Reply Like

2 December 30, 2014 at 12:31pm

View 7 more
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