It hits you over the head: can I survive my midlife crisis? | Life a...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/can-i-survi...

It hits you over the head: can I survive my

midlife crisis?
Faced with the challenges of middle age, many people crash and burn. But is there
another way?

Xan Brooks
Saturday 10 September 2016 09.00BST

s a well-adjusted middle-aged man, I like to dene myself by the things I dont

have. I dont have a scarlet Lamborghini or a conspicuous tattoo or a 22-year-old
girlfriend to jumpstart my libido. Nor do I possess a penchant for extreme sports
or expensive psychotherapy. Midway through my fth decade, Ive avoided the
obvious pitfalls and reckon Im coping quite well, which is why I am on my way to
discuss the male midlife crisis with the therapist Andrew G Marshall, who has written a
book on the subject. Its a task that requires a cool and dispassionate eye. We will be like
two doctors, I decide, objectively diagnosing the problems of others.
Inside his therapy room, Marshall directs me to an armchair and stoops to pour out some
water. First impressions could hardly be more reassuring: Marshall is a soothing, sober
man in colourful clothes. He asks about my background and my health, moving from my
childhood to my present circumstances. I respond as honestly as I can, still condent Ill
be given the all-clear. I tell him I sailed past my 40th birthday with no problem at all.
After that, admittedly, there was a dicult spell, one that lasted perhaps four years. I list
all the things that happened. I tell him that my relationship broke down and I moved out
of my home. I tell him my best friend died suddenly, which threw me for a loop. I
mention that my father fell ill. Oh, and that I also got married. I tell him that I then had a
second child to set alongside my 11-year-old daughter from the previous relationship. I
tell him I quit my job and quit London, and that we now live out west. I tell him I think
thats about it, although there might be some stu Ive forgotten. But by now Im out of
breath, shaken. Recited as a list, those past four years sound positively existential.
Marshall jots notes in his pad. He asks who I turned to for help during this dicult
period. I tell him I didnt really turn to anybody: I went through the worst parts alone.
Why would I want to have people seeing me as a mess?
Its quite interesting, he says. You belonging to what we nowadays call the
metropolitan elite. Most of my clients, by your age, have had at least three therapists.
Whereas you went through this incredible period and not only did you not seek
professional help, you actually detached yourself from your friends.
I nod dutifully, and yet something he said has already stuck in my craw. I dont consider

1 of 5

10/09/2016, 12:23

It hits you over the head: can I survive my midlife crisis? | Life a...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/can-i-survi...

myself part of the metropolitan elite, and Im annoyed that he would blithely stick me in
that box. Nor, for that matter, am I convinced Ive had a midlife crisis, despite the bald
evidence of those torrid four years. But thats the nature of cliche. We may see ourself as
one thing, unique and specic; the world sees us as another as a social demographic or
a cluster of symptoms.
Marshalls own interest is based on both personal and professional experience. His
partner died when he was in his late 30s and this pitched him into what he describes as
the bleakest period of my life. Meanwhile, all around, his patients were navigating a
similar set of hurdles. The Oce for National Statistics reports that 40- to 59-year-olds
are the most anxious age group. Marshall believes this anxiety is sparked by a sudden
awareness of mortality and a fear of failure; the nagging, nightmarish sense that we will
never full our true potential.
No one wants to own up to a midlife crisis: the condition is redolent of too many bad
jokes. On setting out to write his new book, Marshall even deliberated before putting the
term in the title, concerned that the mere mention might scare readers away. Finally, he
opted for a cunning disguise, referencing the condition while denying its existence. The
book is called Its Not A Midlife Crisis, Its An Opportunity, subhead: How To Be FortyOr Fifty-Something Without Going O The Rails.
Marshall has seen many casualties in his time people who, when faced with the
challenges of middle age, promptly crash and burn. A lot of people unk the test, he
says. They anaesthetise themselves with drink, generally. Or with computer games, or
pornography. Or with work. And if you dont answer the questions, you become bitter,
closed o and cynical.
I start to wonder whether I unked the test. Marshall certainly seems to think I was
guilty of closing myself o. He says, Im getting a very strong message that youre not
allowed to be vulnerable. That you need to be loved, yet, when things get dicult, you
withdraw from everybody. Its a strange dichotomy. Because on the one hand youre an
open book in a rather controlled way, in that youre a journalist and therefore in charge
of the words. But the rest of you is completely closed.
I dont think I was completely closed, I say. I just didnt want people to see me in
disarray.
Im sorry, he says rmly, but thats completely closed. You only wanted people to see
the mask.
OK, I say. Fine.
And yet, actually, its not ne: his whole premise is bullshit. Look at us here. Look at
what we are doing. Almost shouting, I say, Its a ridiculous thing, you saying Im closed.
Im going to write this bloody session up for everybody to read.
Marshall smiles, unperturbed. Yes, well, he says. Often in the second half of our lives,
we have to do all of the things we didnt do in the rst.
***

2 of 5

10/09/2016, 12:23

It hits you over the head: can I survive my midlife crisis? | Life a...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/can-i-survi...

The term midlife crisis was coined in 1965 by the Canadian psychologist Elliott
Jaques. Marshall believes the label has now outlived its usefulness. He prefers to call it
the midlife passage. Approached in the right spirit, he says, this is a chance to engage
with the big questions: who am I? What are my values? What gives my life meaning? You
can meet your true self. You can become your own person.
Marshall has devised exercises to smooth our progress. He describes a simple counting
meditation to reduce anxiety, explains how to record your feelings, and the events
that trigger them. He also invites us to chart the highs and lows of our lives on a graph,
moving from infancy through to middle age. I try this last one myself. The line leaps and
dips with abandon. It makes my life look like a series of cardiac arrests.
The way Marshall tells it, there are three obvious routes through the midlife passage. Fail
the challenge, and you suer what he describes as an L-shaped life, where you plummet
to Earth and then essentially atline until death. Pass the test, and you win the U-shaped
life: a glorious upswing, a brilliant late bloom. Then there is the third option, the joker in
the pack, the switchback ride of the W-shaped life. This occurs when you reach for the
quick-x solution (the thrilling aair, the scarlet Lamborghini), or what Marshall calls
the myth of the great other. The eect can be instant, galvanic. But its an articial
high, a dead cat bounce that leads only to more heartache.
Naturally, this makes me wonder about my own circumstances. The storm has passed; I
have a new life in a new city. My days are a whirl of nappy changes and country rambles,
augmented with odds and sods of semi-regular work. Im pretty sure its not an L-shaped
life. But is it a W or is it a U?
Out of the blue, I nd myself telling Marshall about a man named Miroslav Novotny. I
think hes originally from the Czech Republic; he speaks rudimentary English. I picture
Miroslav Novotny as something out of an Edward Hopper painting, a study in urban
loneliness. He wears his trousers too high on his waist. He uses too much hair tonic,
smokes discount cigarettes. I explain that my wife and I devised a game we would play
when driving the outskirts of south London, in which we work out where Novotny
would most like to live. So we place him in that impersonal block of ats out by the A20,
or eating egg and chips inside some sad greasy spoon. Novotny, of course, does not exist
we made him up yet the uncomfortable truth is that hes the alternative me. He asks
nothing of anyone and gives nothing in return.
All at once, I can see it clearly. If I had taken a dierent route out of all this, Id be
Miroslav Novotny, I say. And Im glad Im not. But theres a certain comfort in being
Miroslav Novotny.
Marshall nods. He says, Life is small but its safe. And I nod back in relief, because
thats it exactly.
Did I have a midlife crisis, I ask Marshall.
Yes, you did. He adds that it is not always advisable to throw absolutely everything in
the air, as I seem to have done. But thats by the by. Stable door, horse bolted. You have
been through it and navigated it and have had a reasonably soft landing.
He asks if I have any further questions. So I ask whether he sees the midlife crisis as a

3 of 5

10/09/2016, 12:23

It hits you over the head: can I survive my midlife crisis? | Life a...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/can-i-survi...

peculiarly rst-world problem, a kind of luxury accessory aorded to those with too
much time on their hands. Im not sure you have one if youre under siege in Aleppo.
Marshall has his doubts. Its not a case of having too much time on your hands, he
insists. It comes with a great mallet and hits you over the head. So I think its something
intrinsic in mankind. The rst world-third world distinction is the wrong idea.
My second question is more personal: I ask if he believes its possible to be both horribly
anxious and basically happy, because thats how Ive been feeling for the past year or so.
Yes, I think you can, he answers. But if we were to continue working together, the
anxiety is something we would be looking at. I think that anxiety and anger could be the
keynotes for you.
He is keen to accentuate the positive, though. It sounds to me like you have completely
transformed your life. Youve gone from closed to open. From work focused to family
focused. From self-sucient to more connected. From the small world of
Miroslav Novotny.
From the small world of Miroslav Novotny to the larger world of family and children
and a new city. But the anxiety is something I would be working on. Anxiety and
depression are like brother and sister.
I walk back to the tube in something of a daze. I feel as though Ive spent the past 90
minutes being dangled upside down by the ankles, watching all the detritus falling from
my pockets. Some of this clutter was harmless ephemera, but other bits were jagged and
rusted. Some were foul-smelling, some smeared with dried blood. With them gone, I feel
lighter.
***
One month later, I meet Marshall again, this time in a bookshop above a cafe. Its late
August, and the therapist is on holiday. Hes bare-kneed in tan shorts, with a natty straw
hat perched on his pink scalp, a copy of Graham Swifts Waterland parked in the crook of
one arm. Seeing him here is slightly disconcerting, like bumping into a teacher away
from school.
He asks how Ive been and I assure him Im ne. I tell him, in fact, that Ive been
suspiciously ne. Ive started to wonder whether the session itself was a kind of quick
x. I worry I painted myself in too positive a light; I worry he moved too quickly to
endorse my depiction. This would normally be about a six-month process. We went
through it in about 90 minutes at.
Well, yes, Marshall agrees. Its not the best way of doing it, so you have to be careful. I
mean, if I had been aware of some really horrible stu, I would have skated over it,
because I dont want to open up that can of worms. If we saw there was a total car crash
in the wings, I might well have acknowledged it but I wouldnt go up and peer through
the window.
But, happily, there wasnt. And even if there was, I had the sense youd come through it
relatively unscathed.
4 of 5

10/09/2016, 12:23

It hits you over the head: can I survive my midlife crisis? | Life a...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/10/can-i-survi...

I feel Ive made peace with my crisis, but what comes next? I want to know what other
hurdles Im going to face in my 50s, to steer clear of more trouble, if I can.
But the therapist grins. Hes in holiday mode. What comes next? Well, wonderful times.
If youve done the work of the middle passage, then youre in a very good place, the
sunny uplands of life. The next question is not what gives your life meaning, but what
gives meaning to everyones life. Its a more spiritual inquiry: the self versus the innite.
Another grin. Im not even sure whether therapy is the right place to answer those
questions. You may need to roll up your sleeves and go and do it yourself.
The house where I now live is perched high on a hill, a steep 15-minute climb from the
nearest train station. I try to make this journey on foot as often as I can (if Im losing my
hair, I gure I can at least shed some weight along with it). Sometimes I wonder how I
must look to the motorists driving by. A sweaty, middle-aged man with a red face and
bad posture, sometimes pushing hard at a buggy for added comedy value. The man is a
wreck. Every steps an ordeal. But near the top of the hill, the road swings out from the
shadows. The city drops away and the horizon is endless. And this, I decide, is my
favourite part of the journey. One might almost be entering the sunny uplands of life,
approaching a house that feels very nearly like home.
Its Not A Midlife Crisis, Its An Opportunity is published by Marshall Method
Publishing at 12.99.
More features

Topics
Health & wellbeing Health Family Men's health Mental health More
Save for later Article saved
Reuse this content

5 of 5

10/09/2016, 12:23