Final Draft

by Ly'Mia Jef f erson

FILE

ESSAY_FOR_MS_ALLFORD.DOCX (17.13K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

23-SEP-2016 07:43PM

WORD COUNT

629

SUBMISSION ID

710075405

CHARACT ER COUNT

2583

3
Comma Needed

Comma Splice

Run-on

Comma Splice

WC

Comma Splice

Run-on
Run-on

Final Draft
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

85

Instructor
Ly'Mia,

/100

You've developed a strong literacy narrative, one

where you examine events in the past and connect
them to reading/writing. Good!

I'm seeing that you develop one event in particular,

connecting the others too it. Great! I might
encourage a stronger "main idea," one that clearly
indicates your connections between the events.
However, your conclusion again ref lects your main
idea and of f ers a takeaway f or your readers.
Just be sure that your paragraphs have consistent
f ocus; at least one has more than one subject
discussed. Finally, grammar seems to be the
strongest distraction in your writing; you ideas are
clear, but hindered through run-on sentences and
comma splices. I would encourage reviewing these
rules to avoid this next draf t.

PAGE 1

Comment 1
Don't f orget to have your page number in T NR, 12 pt. f ont.

Comment 2
Good MLA header!

Comment 3
Here, you do not need to bold a title. Also, no extra spacing necessary between your date and
your title.

QM

Comma Needed
Here, you've f orgotten to include a comma. Suggest reviewing rules f or appropriate comma
usage.

QM

Comma Splice
You have two thoughts joined only by a comma. You need to add a coordinating conjunction or
separate your thoughts into two separate sentences.

QM

Run-on
Run-on sentence:
T he sentence contains two or more independent clauses. Separate the clauses with a period or
semicolon.

QM

Comma Splice
You have two thoughts joined only by a comma. You need to add a coordinating conjunction or
separate your thoughts into two separate sentences.

QM

WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.

Comment 4
Here, I f eel that you have indicated a main thought: one where you connect writing to helping
your process and understand circumstances around you. I might encourage a f ew more details
f or your reader next time, so they can grasp the main purpose/connection between you and
writing/reading.
QM

Comma Splice
You have two thoughts joined only by a comma. You need to add a coordinating conjunction or
separate your thoughts into two separate sentences.

QM

Run-on
Run-on sentence:
T he sentence contains two or more independent clauses. Separate the clauses with a period or
semicolon.

QM

Run-on
Run-on sentence:
T he sentence contains two or more independent clauses. Separate the clauses with a period or
semicolon.

Comment 5
Your paragraphs have consistent f ocus - good!
PAGE 2

Comment 6
I've marked the f irst page f or run-on thoughts, so I'm not going to mark all of them on the
second. However, these grammar errors are hindering your communication quite a bit. I would
encourage you to review our rules f or run-on thoughts and comma splices!

Comment 7
Here, you seem to have a shif t in topic f or this paragraph, f rom discussing dif f iculties at school
to breaking stereotypes. A new paragraph may have been necessary here.

Comment 8
A strong takeaway - good!

RUBRIC: LITERACY NARRATIVE

PROCESS WORK (10%)

8 6 .9 0 / 10 0

100 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

Signif icant evidence of revision and editing f or f inal product.

PROFICIENT
(86)

Clear evidence of revision and editing f or f inal product.

PROGRESSING
(78)

Some evidence of revision and editing f or f inal product.

DEVELOPING
(50)

Little to no evidence of revision and editing f or f inal product

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

Piece demonstrates no evidence of change of any sort; matches working draf t

exactly

CONT ENT (25%)

100 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

Fully accomplishes purposes of the assignment Demonstrates insightf ul

understanding of concepts and content Raises provocative questions or gives
insightf ul interpretations Strong attempts to be appealing and interesting according
to audience and purpose

PROFICIENT
(86)

Accomplishes the purpose(s) of the task well Demonstrates sound understanding

of the concepts and content Clear attempts to be appealing and interesting
according to audience and purpose

PROGRESSING
(78)

Accomplishes the purpose(s) of the task Demonstrates adequate understanding

of the concepts and content Omits or misinterprets some less important ideas
Writer is struggling to create interesting writing to audience and purpose

DEVELOPING
(50)

Partially accomplishes the purpose(s) of the task Demonstrates some

understanding of concepts and content Omits or misinterprets many important
Writer made little attempt to present interesting writing to audience and purpose

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

Does not accomplish the purpose(s) of the task Demonstrates no understanding

of major concepts and content T otally unrelated to the assignment Not enough
writing to evaluate; illegible; blank

RHET KNOW (25%)

86 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

Evidence/examples are organized logically and ef f ectively T opic, purpose, and

f ocus are exceptionally clear Includes a clear point or thesis

PROFICIENT
(86)

Evidence/examples are adequately organized logically and ef f ectively T opic,

purpose, and f ocus are very clear and Includes a point or thesis

PROGRESSING

Evidence/examples are somewhat organized T opic, purpose, and f ocus are

(78)

somewhat clear Main point or thesis has some issues with understandability

DEVELOPING
(50)

Organization attempted Evidence/examples are disorganized or inappropriate

T opic, purpose, and f ocus are lacking in clarity Main point or thesis has several
issues with understandability

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

No organization pattern evident T his aspect of the piece is incomplete/insuf f icient.

Work shows little to no evidence of rhetorical knowledge/clarity.

ST YLE (15%)

86 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

Coherent content that f lows smoothly f rom idea to idea

PROFICIENT
(86)

Sentence style and word choice are ef f ective/appropriate

PROGRESSING
(78)

Sentence style and word choice are somewhat ef f ective

DEVELOPING
(50)

Does not f low smoothly f rom idea to idea

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

Sentence style and word choice are inef f ective

CONVENT IONS (15%)

50 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

Little to no issues in readability Writer displays strong ability to use grammatical

conventions appropriately

PROFICIENT
(86)

Some minor issues in readability Writer displays strong ability to use grammatical
conventions appropriately

PROGRESSING
(78)

Some issues that limit overall communication

DEVELOPING
(50)

Many issues in readability Issues f requent enough to detract f rom overall

communication

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

Piece is dif f icult to read/hear/understand. Little to no attention has been given to

making the piece clear to audience. Errors completely hinder communication

MLA FORMAT (10%)

100 / 100

EXEMPLARY
(100)

1-2 errors in MLA f ormatting

PROFICIENT
(86)

3-4 errors in MLA f ormatting

PROGRESSING
(78)

5-6 errors in MLA f ormatting

DEVELOPING
(50)

7-8 errors in MLA f ormatting

INSUFFICIENT
(0)

9 or more errors in MLA f ormatting