The Fear of Bisexuality Gay Therapy Center

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The Fear of Bisexuality

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Anxiety and Depression

Bisexuality doesnt get as much attention as other sexual

Coming Out

orientations. Even lesbian and gay people dont often think about

Communication

what it is like to be bisexual.

Gay Infidelity

I sat down with Gay Therapy Center psychologist Tera Beaber, PhD

Gay Issues

to discuss her work and research on the under-discussed topic of

Gay Monogamy

bisexuality.

Gay Open Relationships

Adam Blum: Tera, what are the persistent myths about bisexuality?
Tera Beaber: There are so many stereotypes. For example, that all
bisexual people are promiscuous, non-monogamous, or that they
are going through a phase and are in denial about their true identity.
They are seen as confused. Many people simply believe that
bisexuality doesn't actually exist.

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I've encountered these myths in both the straight and queer

LGBT Sexuality

communities. However,

Leave My Relationship?

my research found that bisexual women perceive even more even

Lesbian Issues

stigma from the lesbian and gay community than they do from the

Mid Life Issues

heterosexual community.

My Issues In Relationship

There is so little research on bisexuality, and much misinformation. I

want to change that.
AB: How do you think these stereotypes impact bisexual people?
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The Fear of Bisexuality Gay Therapy Center

TB: Until they take the time to explore their fears and prejudices,
some people are unwilling to date someone bi. You often see this in
dating sites with the hurtful words, no bisexuals.
Due to the stigma, some bi people choose not to come out as
bisexual because they want to be accepted. And we all know that
life in the closet is lonely.

30/10/2016, 3)32 AM

updates
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grow your relationship with

Bisexuals tend to be invisible, as we all often make assumptions

yourself. (Our guide was

about sexual orientation based on the gender of one's current

designed for gay men

partner. There is not yet much public bisexual community. With a

but can also be helpful

lack of bisexual role models, it s difficult for bisexual people to

for lesbians, bisexuals,

receive validation, something everyone needs.

straight, and transgender

Many bisexual people also experience internalized biphobia, which

people.)

means they have internalized the negative messages of society.

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This internalized oppression can manifest as low self esteem, self

out for any reason.

loathing, and isolation.

AB: Do you have any thoughts about why biphobia exists?

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TB: While society is moving towards a more fluid understanding of

sexual orientation, historically sexuality has been either/or.
Bisexuality is threatening to that belief.
We like to put things in boxes. We want to label and
compartmentalize. People are told to pick a side. It is difficult to
tolerate nuances and complexities of identity.

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AB: What kind of issues are you seeing with bisexuals in couples?
TB: If you are bisexual, coming out in your relationship can be
difficult, and courageous. Couples need lots of support around this.
If their partner is lesbian or gay, that partner might feel abandoned.
They may assume that their partner will cheat on them with
someone of the opposite gender. Its important to remember that it
is not bisexuality that is the threat. Partners of any sexual orientation
can cheat.
Most lesbian and gay people have been marginalized. When they
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The Fear of Bisexuality Gay Therapy Center

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find out their partner doesnt have the same sexual orientation, their
painful history of being stigmatized can get triggered.
In any relationship we need look at our own fears of being left.
However, coming out in a couple can also be a positive experience.
For some relationships, the disclosure of one's bisexuality can
prompt rich and honest conversations about identity, desire, and
relationships needs. Disclosure is an opportunity for partners to
deepen their connection and understanding of each other.
AB: What can gay, lesbian, and straight people do to be helpful?
TB: We all can do some personal consciousness-raising by
examining the stereotypes we hold. Ask yourself How would I feel
if my partner came out as bisexual? Then look honestly and
compassionately what comes up for you.
AB: Thats a great question to consider. And what do you suggest
to bisexual people who want to increase their comfort with their
own sexuality?
TB: Seek out bisexual community where you can find it. Social
support is a huge contributor to self-esteem. Know that you are not
alone and get connected to others who can reinforce that who you
are is valid and wonderful.
Therapy can also help because it provides a non-judgmental place
to explore identity and attractions. In therapy you can experience
the acceptance that you are not getting in society. Thats healing.
From there it is easier to the take the feeling of Im okay into the
world.
Find a therapist that is not only neutral but is affirming of your sexual
identity. Ive seen clinicians who just dont get it when it comes to
bisexuality. Some assume the client is on a path to being lesbian or
gay. Therapists have also been exposed to bi-negativity in the
culture and are prone to the same myths and stereotypes.
AB: Weve been talking about the difficulties of being bisexual in
our culture. Are there any benefits?

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TB: Certainly! It can be really positive to experience fluidity and

openness to different experiences. Theres freedom in being open
to connection in all forms.
There is a richness that comes from nuance and complexity of
identity.

Gay Therapy Center psychologist Tera Beaber, PhD works with

individuals and couples in her San Francisco office. For more
information about Tera, click here.

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The information on this blog is provided for general informational purposes only and no
psychotherapist-client relationship is formed nor should any such relationship be implied.
The suggestions offered in this blog are just one perspective of many approaches to
dealing with problems and should not be your only source when making life decisions.
This website is not intended to replace professional mental health treatment.

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The Fear of Bisexuality Gay Therapy Center

Kristy Lin Billuni

30/10/2016, 3)32 AM

2 months ago

Thanks for this interview, Adam and Tera. I think bisexual

invisibility really leaves a lot of people feeling isolated about
sexual identity. Sexuality is so much deeper and broader
than just 'who you're with.'

Adam Blum

2 months ago

Thanks Kristy! I agree!

Keith

3 months ago

I am bisexual. I am in a relationship with a man (who also

happens to be bisexual.) (We are also engaged.)
You might say that I am in a gay relationship, but it doesn't
change the fact that I am bisexual.
I am attracted, both physically and romantically to both men
and women. Who I am dating at the time doesn't change that
fact.

Manny

3 months ago

Well, I'm gay, but if the circumstances are right, I will have sex
with a woman. I believe that if you are bi-sexual and you are
in a gay relationship, then you are gay at that time, if you are
in a straight relationship then you are straight for that time.
Yes bi-sexuality is the threat over and above what other

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insecurities one might have. From what I have experienced,

most straight people will "fool around" with the same sex or
think and consider fooling around with the same sex, but yet
consider themselves straight by ANY means. If one is in a
gay relationship or straight relationship and if one wants to
make it work, then we don't have sex with someone else
regardless of what sex they are, which make one either
straight or gay...yes, you might call it "non-practicing bisexualism"?
If I was in a Bi-sexual community to provide social support to
someone I would encourage people to come out as gay or
straight, whichever is the problem and if later on down the
road you decide to "go back" to gay or straight, then that is
also OK. There is nothing wrong with being gay or straight,
only you think that. Its like a pimple, hardly anyone notices it,
but you. In a perfect world, we would all be bi-sexuals.

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