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TODDLER'S CREED

If I want it, it's mine.


If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it's mine.
A Few Truisms For Today
ABOUT SEX...
Sex is like air.
It's not important...
...unless you aren't getting any !
ON SHARING A BED WITH SOMEONE...
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
ABOUT WHAT KIDS KNOW...
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers their parents,
...it's how they found out!
ABOUT LIFE... LIFE is sexually transmitted.

ABOUT FALLING IN LOVE...


Falling in love is awfully simple.
ON BEING AN ADULT...

Falling out of love is simply awful.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
ABOUT VEGETABLE OIL PARTIES...
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
( don't know what a "Vegetable Oil Party" is? ...ask mom & dad - ha! )
ABOUT A MAN'S INTEREST IN THE G-SPOT & CLITORIS...
If a man is interested in your G-spot to the exclusion of your clitoris...
try being interested in his prostate to the exclusion of his penis!
Some of MY Favorites...
How are women and spaghetti alike?
...they both wiggle when you eat them!
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

Which condom would you use....??


( Got this by email the other day -- I cannot take the credit for coming up with these )
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The fresh maker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.


Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your
face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
The M & M's condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Chevron: use them? People do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are


United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
Volvo Condoms: "Protect The Body, Ignite The Soul"

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

17 Reasons Why E-Mail is like a Penis


Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think that it's not worth the fuss
that those who have it make about it.
Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (E-mail envy)
It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work
done.
In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but most folks today use it just for fun most of the time.
If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We tend to attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence
warrants.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble!
If you stay on it too long your hands cramp up.
Wife gives you funny look when asked to kiss it.

If caught using someone else's; you better have a good reason.


Hard to sleep at night if it hasn't been checked in a while.
Sometimes you dream youre using it, then wake up and realize you did.
The stuff you get from it is sometimes hard to swallow.
A Few More of My Favorites:
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear!
What's the speed limit of sex ?
~ 68 ~
...... at 69 you have to turn around !

What did one coconut tree say to the other coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, there's a big blow job coming!

Crazy Sex Laws and Customs Around The World


This is the start of a new set of the strange, weird and crazy sex laws and customs around the world.
Though it may be difficult to conceive, there are actually a few societies on this earth that are MORE
screwed up than American society ( however, some of these might not be such bad ideas ! ). These are
but a few of the weird things that are practiced, or have been written into law around the world as the
government and politicians who control us try to "help us" be good, moral people, despite our natural
tendency to Get Nasty!
We will be adding more of these as we have time to post them:

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual
relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking
directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Former circumcision rites of the Bala tribe of Zaire once required the excised foreskin of a young
boy to be wrapped in a banana leaf and placed on a termite hill to be eaten. The boy's father

kept vigil at the spot until all remains were eaten; failure to do otherwise was thought to cause
the boy to later become impotent.
Young Lenge girls of East Africa were required to be deflowered by a phallus [penis] made of
horn as part of their ceremonial puberty rights.
In Polynesia, adolescents of both sexes are instructed in sexual techniques by an older
experienced person, and during this period, it is permissible to have numerous sexual liasons
before settling down to married life. Special "pleasure houses" are built to provide young
people with their own place to socialize and have intercourse.
In Kafa in southwestern Ethiopia, a man found guilty of violating a virgin may be punished by
having his head or hands cut off.
The most common universal form of marriage is polygyny (one husband with two or more
wives). Anthropologist George Murdock's Ethnographic Atlas claims that of 849 societies, 70
percent were polygynous. Polygyny may not be as widely practiced today as it once was
because of the prohibitive cost of keeping more than one wife.
The inhabitants of the Trobriand Islands [South Pacific] are reported to be the most sexually
uninhibited and free among all known societies. Children are allowed to indulge in any type of
sexual play, with intercourse occurring at an early age. All aspects of sex are considered natural,
and adults and children alike are given free reign of their sexual desires.
The vocabulary of Polynesian [South Pacific] societies have no words in their language for
"obscene", "indecent", or "impure". Sex is never considered a source of shame or
embarrassment.
In some Islamic countries women may be executed for committing adultery, though traditionally,
men receive only a light punishment. In Saudi Arabia, adultery is a capital offense punishable
by death from stoning.
The inhabitants of Tonga [South Pacific] allow premarital intercourse with permission of the
girl's parents and the provision that conception won't occur. Should pregnancy result, the
offending couple must walk around the village naked for several days and apply a magic potion
to the fence surrounding the community to prevent disease from infecting the population.
At one time, specially selected male children among the Alaskan Koniag were raised as females
from infancy, eventually becoming the wife of a chief or tribal leader. A similar custom of
aboriginal tribes in Greenland designate this person an Achnutshik.
Homosexuality is an accepted practice among the South American Lache and Caquiteros.
Homosexual marriages are not uncommon; moreover, women who have borne five sons are
permitted to raise one of them as a female.
This little group from a visitor to the site (sorry, no legal references provided - don't know if they
are true or not... thanks, Horacio)

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding
day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on
his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his
teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three
gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex
in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks,
you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds
must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And
it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean
and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor
may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing
inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be
called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service
job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are
prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous,
unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to
walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place
must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before
getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or
bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car.
If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a
jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during
their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from
peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on
Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the
reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual
misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man
isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

Ladies' Remote Control


Now, Ladies... don't get pissed or anything...
We're only teasing...