RUNNING HEAD: Skeptic Romantic

Response to a Skeptic Romantic:

An Application of Attachment Style, Attributions, and Self-Growth
Drew Kennedy
Bryant University

Skeptic Romantic

After first reading your letter a couple times, I attempted to find research and give advice
on a couple of different topics. Originally, I found literature on long-distance relationships and
on how to utilize relationship maintenance. However, after more carefully reading your letter, I
better understood what was causing you the most distress. You very clearly stated that you have a
problem trusting males and avoid getting close to them whatsoever as a result of your previous
relationship. You are afraid of romantic relationships, but also show interest in being able to be
close to another man again.
After recognizing your problem more clearly, I quickly related it to a topic that is in the
textbook, attachment styles. Additionally, I found some useful information about positive
outcomes of relational breakups, such as self-growth, which can happen by recognizing the
reasons why the relationship ended (Guerrero, Andersen, & Afifi, 2014). I found two very
informative studies that were cited in the textbook in order to learn more about attachment styles,
personal growth, causal reasons for the breakup, and how they play a role in relationships and
breakups. First, Im going to help you understand your transition of attachment styles that went
from secure (pre-breakup) to avoidant (post-breakup).
It is very obvious that you had a secure attachment style when you first got involved with
Tyler. This means that you had a positive self-esteem, trust in relational partners, as well as open
and supportive communication (Lambert & Hughes, 2010). You and Tyler would self-disclose
everything about each other, even really personal stuff. This is a good place to be in order to
create positive and healthy relationships, however, the situation with Tyler caused you to shift
towards an avoidant style of attachment. This means that you are fearful of intimacy and view
relationships as harmful. This style can be particularly detrimental to future relationships. If you
avoid communication with potential romantic partners, they will be likely to withdraw from

Skeptic Romantic

communicating with you, which will hurt you. This then reinforces your fear of intimacy and
being hurt, creating a vicious cycle (Lambert & Hughes, 2010). Recognizing how you used to be
and how you are now is important because you cannot improve anything if you dont know what
happened to yourself. The next thing to do would be to think about and determine some reasons
why the relationship did not work out.
Causal conditions and reasons that lead to a breakup are called attributions, and there are
four different types. However, Im going to talk about what are called personal, other, and
environmental attributions for your break up. Placing all of the blame on one attribution is not
necessarily a good thing and can lead to more distress and less self-growth. Finding influences
that fit under more than one type of attribution can help you analyze relationship situations
better, and can help you develop more personal growth. Failure to recognize these attributions
can be problematic in future relationships. (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003).
Obviously, the downfall of your relationship wasnt your fault, but perhaps your high
level of security going into a relationship with a guy you didnt know all that well set you up for
potential heartbreak. This would be considered a personal attribution for the dissolution of the
relationship. The fact that you were so secure could have been the reason why you were affected
so drastically and your attachment style completely switched. In fact, one of the studies I
reviewed suggested that people who had secure styles before a relationship ended poorly
experienced higher levels of distress and lower levels of relational satisfaction than other
attachment styles (Lambert & Hughes, 2010). So, the point here is that youre normal!
Im sure you are well aware that a lot of this had to with what Tyler did, which is
considered an other attribution. He clearly did not know what he wanted and did not see the

Skeptic Romantic

immorality of leading you on while you developed deep feelings for him. Also, he didnt
originally own up to the butt-dial incident, which really upset you. Although it is important to not
put all the blame on yourself, it isnt more helpful to put all the blame on him either. The study
by Tashiro and Frazier (2003) suggested that more distress and negative emotions and less selfgrowth arose when people put a high level of blame on the other person.
In addition, the relationship between you and Tyler didnt work because of environmental
attributions, which are the social surroundings of the relationship. The fact that he had an
alternative romantic partner to you is a textbook case of an environmental factor that was causal
to the breakup. Additionally, the fact that he went to a different university is an environmental
attribution. This seems to be the reason he was able to have another partner without you knowing
about it, as well. Tashiro and Fraziers (2003) study also suggested that when people mainly
reported environmental attributions for the reason of the breakup, they also experienced high
levels of distress, most likely because these attributions are out of their control and seem unfair.
However, environmental attributions are also associated with more self-growth, so there is hope
to be had. Being able to recognize these different kinds of attributions are important and helpful
because it supports ones efforts to correct or to avoid problems in future relationships (Tashiro
& Frazier, 2003).
I have mentioned self-growth several times already, but now I will talk about it in more
detail. It is known that people can progress from their previous or present level of psychological
functionality after experiencing a traumatic or stressful event. On average, people reported five
positive changes that happen after a difficult and stressful breakup (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003).
Knowing this, I challenge you to think about and come up with five positive changes or lessons
you can take away from this experience. Some examples of personal growth you may want to

Skeptic Romantic

pursue would be a positive change in self-reliance and perception. I know you are capable of
being strong without someone else to make you happy. Focusing on being able to make yourself
happy could be another form of self-growth, which would be considered a change in life
philosophy. You also have to watch out in future interpersonal relationships, and learn from the
negative ones you have experienced. This leads back to being able to recognize attributions and
reasons why the relationship didnt work out. Additionally, several traits have also been found to
be associated with personal-growth (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003). Simply being more agreeable and
open helps, so I suggest letting new boys talk to you and at least having normal conversations
with them in order to start to rebuild your confidence in intimacy. I know you can do this,
because you used to be like this! In addition, being conscientious is associated with personal
growth. Being conscientious of previous and potential problems in relationships can prevent
those problems from becoming reasons a relationship dont work out (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003).
I totally understand that you and Tyler had a strong relational connection and you got
along well together at first, but I also believe the situation as a whole was not ideal. I hope that
explaining your attachment styles will help you be a little more conscientious in the future. Also,
I hope that elaborating on the reasons why the relationship didnt work out will allow you to
have a more comprehensive understanding of relationships and their flaws. Ultimately, I hope
that explaining these concepts will help you grow back into a happy and secure woman. I want
you to know that improvement from damaging situations is possible, but it takes some work and
realization on your part.

Skeptic Romantic

References
Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P. A., & Afifi, W. A. (2014). Close Encounters: Communication in
Relationships (4th ed.). Los Angeles: Sage.
Lambert, A. N., & Hughes, P. C. (2010). The influence of goodwill, secure attachment, and
positively toned disengagement strategies on reports of communication satisfaction in
non-marital post-dissolution relationships. Communication Research Reports, 27(2), 171183. doi:10.1080/08824091003738123
Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2003). 'I'll never be in a relationship like that again': Personal growth
following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113-128.
doi:10.1111/1475-6811.00039