Editorial

by Blake Carlock

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EDIT ORIAL_FINAL_DRAFT .PDF (1.51M)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

09-NOV-2016 09:40PM

WORD COUNT

1738

SUBMISSION ID

735041927

CHARACT ER COUNT

10067

"injecting," to match
your picture

add some of
these "tolls" to
your opening
story, which I
think is a good
way to intro your
paper.

need this sentence

to provide direct
evidence to
previous sentence:
show where it's
being "debated."
Alternately, change
the previous
sentence, or create
a new link between
them to introduce
your quotation.

Good start on your thesis's claim and reason. Can

you add an "although clause"?

only include figures that

connect directly to your
argument's points.

below

I like this
moral/health
argument--can
you build it with a link to
the "supervised use" idea and

perhaps the Hippocratic oath?

by whom?

picture's text is illegible even at highest zoom.

you could probably

paraphrase this.

fragment-complete this
idea.

Can you create sections with headings? For example, "Health

Effects" could be one. Then all your info about the health
effects (and other topics, like fairness, or #s of users in
different sports, etc.) could be unified.

is this the reason? or is it the unfairness? or is it both?

try to not oversimplify.

Distinguish
between your
two audiences
here.

Good start on an difficult topic, Blake. When you revise, be sure to

investigate what opponents of the ban
argue so you can address that. Also, try organizing your work into a
few sections, then build those sections with detailed evidence--how
many pro athletes are using in a particular sport, for example? How

need to
name
journals,
volume #s,
etc.

Editorial
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

84

Instructor

/150

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

"injecting," to match

your picture

Text Comment.

add some of these "tolls" to your opening story, which I think is a good
way to intro your paper.
PAGE 2

Text Comment.

need this sentence to provide direct evidence to previous sentence: show

where it's being "debated." Alternately, change the previous sentence, or create a new link
between them to introduce your quotation.

Text Comment.

Good start on your thesis's claim and reason. Can

you add an "although clause"?

QM

evidence need
Remember that there is a dif f erence between a claim, which others can disagree with, and
evidence, which provides proof or support f or claims. Evidence can take the f orm of quotations
f rom experts, data, statistics, photographs, graphs, etc.

QM

Repetitive
See if you can combine and condense these sentences or ideas, as they are repetitive or
redundant.

Text Comment.

only include f igures that connect directly to your

argument's points.
PAGE 3

Text Comment.

below

Text Comment.

I like this
moral/health
argument--can
you build it with a link to
the "supervised use" idea and

perhaps the Hippocratic oath?

Text Comment.

by whom?

Text Comment.

picture's text is illegible even at highest zoom.

Text Comment.

you could probably paraphrase this.

Text Comment.

f ragment--complete this idea.

PAGE 4

PAGE 5

QM

S/V Agreement
Subject-verb agreement:
Subjects and verbs should match in number and person. Singular subjects require singular
verbs; plural subjects require plural verbs.

PAGE 6

Text Comment.

Can you create sections with headings? For example, "Health Ef f ects"
could be one. T hen all your inf o about the health ef f ects (and other topics, like f airness, or #s
of users in dif f erent sports, etc.) could be unif ied.

Text Comment.

is this the reason? or is it the unf airness? or is it both?

try to not oversimplif y.

Text Comment.

Distinguish between your two audiences here.

QM

evidence need
Remember that there is a dif f erence between a claim, which others can disagree with, and
evidence, which provides proof or support f or claims. Evidence can take the f orm of quotations
f rom experts, data, statistics, photographs, graphs, etc.

Text Comment.

Good start on an dif f icult topic, Blake. When you revise, be sure to
investigate what opponents of the ban
argue so you can address that. Also, try organizing your work into a f ew sections, then build
those sections with detailed evidence--how many pro athletes are using in a particular sport,
f or example? How ef f ective are the tests? Etc.
PAGE 7

QM

apa mla ref list

Use Purdue OWL to discover the proper content and f ormatting of these entries.

Text Comment.
PAGE 8

need to name journals, volume #s, etc.

RUBRIC: EDITORIALS RUBRIC

RHET FOCUS

Advanced

Write f or a specif ic audience and purpose.

ABSENT OR BELOW Audience's needs are of ten not recognized: terms and ideas need explanation and
BASIC
language needs adjustment f or the audience. Purpose (to argue a position

persuasively) isn't clear or achieved.

DEVELOPING

Shows some attention to audience's needs, sometimes def ining necessary terms and
ideas and using audience-appropriate language. Purpose (to argue a position
persuasively) may be unclear at times, and it may not be achieved convincingly.

PROFICIENT

Usually shows attention to audience's needs, def ining necessary terms and ideas
and using audience-appropriate language. Purpose (to argue a position persuasively)
may be implied, but it's clear and achieved.

ADVANCED

Shows sophisticated attention to audience's needs, def ining necessary terms and
ideas and using audience-appropriate language. Purpose (to argue a position
persuasively) is clear and achieved with style.

ET HICAL RES

Prof icient

Using the appropriate majors customary citation style, ethically cite and communicate inf ormation f rom a
variety of discipline-appropriate sources.
ABSENT OR BELOW Omits or uses discipline-appropriate in-text and end-of -text citations and quotation
BASIC
marks incorrectly. Drops quotations and ideas into text without introducing source.

Frequently uses irrelevant or unpersuasive sources or relies exclusively on one

source.
DEVELOPING

A f ew errors in discipline-appropriate in-text and end-of -text citations and quotation

marks. Of ten includes sources without introduction in cases when introduction is
necessary and discipline appropriate. Sometimes relies too heavily on a single source
or uses irrelevant or unpersuasive sources.

PROFICIENT

Correctly uses discipline-appropriate in-text and end-of -text citations and quotation
marks. Usually introduces each source f ully (as necessary and discipline-appropriate)
reader knows who did the research or communicating, f or whom, and why. Use of
sources is usually diverse, relevant and persuasive.

ADVANCED

Correctly uses discipline-appropriate in-text and end-of -text citations and quotation
marks. Introduces each source f ully (as necessary and discipline-appropriate)
reader knows who did the research or communicating, f or whom, and why. Use of
sources is always diverse, relevant and persuasive.

PERSUASION

Developing

Compare, evaluate, synthesize, and communicate caref ully, objectively, and persuasively the relative merits
of alternative or opposing arguments, assumptions, and cultural values. Integrate this evaluative work into
a persuasive argument.

ABSENT OR BELOW Fails to support claims with relevant reasoning and/or specif ic evidence. Objectivity,
BASIC
balance, and a controlling idea may be lacking.
DEVELOPING

Attempts to support claims with reasoning and evidence, but specif icity and/or
objectivity may be lacking. A controlling idea may be missing or implied. Objectivity and
balance may be weak or f lawed.

PROFICIENT

Usually supports the controlling idea and paragraph claims with relevant, thorough,
and insightf ul reasoning and specif ic evidence. Usually maintains objectivity and
balance in argumentation.

ADVANCED

Supports the controlling idea and paragraph claims with relevant, thorough, and
insightf ul reasoning and specif ic evidence. Maintains objectivity and balance in
argumentation.

ORGANIZ AT ION

Prof icient

Organize, f ocus, and communicate ones thoughts clearly and ef f ectively to address a rhetorical situation.
ABSENT OR BELOW Organizational devices (controlling idea, headings, subheadings, topic sentences,
BASIC
transitions) may be absent, unrelated to the prompt, or illogically connected. Ps

contain multiple topics or are disorganized.

DEVELOPING

Organizational devices (controlling idea, headings, subheadings, topic sentences,

transitions) f it the prompt, but may be vague, too broad, or inconsistenly or illogically
linked. Ps may not be unif ied.

PROFICIENT

Clear organizational devices (controlling idea, headings, subheadings, topic

sentences, transitions) f it the prompt and tie ideas and topics together adequately.
Ps are usually unif ied.

ADVANCED

Clear, specif ic organizational devices (thesis, topic sentences, headings, transitions)

f it the prompt and tie ideas and topics together logically and seamlessly. Paragraphs
are unif ied.

LANG & DESIGN

Prof icient

Recognize, evaluate, and employ the f eatures and contexts of language and design that express and
inf luence meaning and that demonstrate sensitivity to gender and cultural dif f erences.
ABSENT OR BELOW Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors impede readability. Lanuage may ref lect
BASIC
a gender or cultural bias. Design may be unconventional and inef f ective.
DEVELOPING

Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors of ten impede readability or otherwise

distract f rom meaning. Lanuage may occasionally suggest a gender or cultural bias.
Design may be inconventional or inef f ective.

PROFICIENT

Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors are f ew and do not distract f rom
meaning. Lanuage respects gender and cultural dif f erences. Design is conventional
and ef f ective.

ADVANCED

Outstanding control of language, including ef f ective diction and sentence variety.

Lanuage respects gender and cultural dif f erences. Design is conventional and
ef f ective.