Memorandum

To: Jamie Lyon

From: Veronika Lorenzana
Date: September 11, 2016
Subject: Writing Analysis
This memo will analyze my previous writing skills and tendencies as required by the Business
Writing course at the University of Idaho, fall semester 2016. I will be using concepts learned
from online lecture to reflect upon a business report I wrote for a 100-level course last semester.
The intent of this reflection is to gain a better understanding of my shortcomings and to identify
areas needing improvement in order to become a stronger writer.

1.0 Eliminate Unnecessary Material

Business prose consists of short and precise bursts of information. Extra adjectives, modifiers,
and fluff are not appropriate for this style of writing. Concision is a valuable trait in business
writing. Cutting redundancy, unnecessary modifiers, and dead words/phrases are helpful tools to
consider when writing for business purposes. My writing can use help in these areas as
demonstrated by the following excerpts:
1.1 Redundant Words
The following excerpt from my business plan illustrates my inappropriate use of
redundant wording:
While there are currently other brands of toothbrushes being sold with toothpaste
in the handle, there are no such toothpastes on the market that contain the same
technology and benefits as the ClickBrush.
I would consider rewriting this sentence to read:
There are other brands of toothbrushes sold with toothpaste in the handle, but
none that contain the technology and benefits of ClickBrush.
1.2 Dead words
This sentence shows an over usage of dead words which add no meaning to the content:
Some of the main selling points of our product include the fact that each unit is
reusable up to 30 times, can be used with or without water, and is completely
recyclable/biodegradable.

1.3 Causes
I used a lot of unnecessary words in this report because I had a very large
minimum page requirement to meet. In the future, it will be more beneficial for
me to focus on content development rather than adding extra words when trying
to meet certain project requirements.

2.0 Use Strong Verbs

Using strong verbs/verb phrases in writing conveys specific action. Tightening verb usage can
strengthen the paper as well. My previous writing demonstrates a lack of strong verbs.

2.1 Strong Verb Re-write from Excerpt, Example 1

(will introduce)
Toms of Maine is seeking to introduce a new and innovative toothbrush to the global
market that will benefit the Dental Health for All program.

2.2 Strong Verb Re-write from Excerpt, Example 2

(The product requires)

This new product will require an initial investment of approximately $2.8 million, which
will cover all start-up costs, patents/trademarks, and the first 6 months of advertising

2.3 Causes
The cause of weak verb usage is simply a lack of business writing knowledge. I
was writing in a more essay format or conversational style that is not appropriate
to business documents.

3.0 Use Mostly Active Voice

Using an active voice in writing moves the emphasis to the who of the sentence and not the
what. While certain types of writing call for a more passive voice, business writing uses mostly
an active voice. Coming from a creative writing background, I experience difficulty in this area.

3.1 Passive Voice (example from excerpt):

The main target market for our first year of sales includes people
involved in outdoor sports including fishing, camping, hunting, hiking,
etc.
3.2 Active Voice Re-write:
People involved in outdoor sports will make up the main target market
for the first year of sales.
3.3. Causes
The cause of inappropriate active versus passive voice is a lack of technical
writing skills necessary for business writing. An easy way to help me avoid this in
the future is to ask who is doing what in any sentence I am putting together.

4.0 Stress Emphasis

Ridding excess words at the end of a sentence put the emphasis back on the important part of a
sentence. Stress is not implied as easily in writing as it is in speech. I talk a lot more than I write,
and therefore need more work on my stress emphasis techniques when it comes to business
writing.

4.1 Trimming the end

Selling online will allow our product to go international, making our overseas transition
in year three even easier thanks to a larger audience and brand awareness, combined with
Colgates established network of global distribution channels.
Trimming the large tail of excess words at the end of the sentence brings the emphasis
back to its main point: selling internationally. The excess can either by restructured to
create a new sentence or can be rid of entirely.

4.2 Keeping Sentences Short

Keeping to the average 14-18 words per sentence business prose style will keep sentences
short and emphasis of a sentence more focused.

4.3 Causes
Excess words in a sentence are likely caused by a tendency to write as we speak.
In conversation, we can place emphasis by use of vocal tone and pitch. It is more
different when trying to convey emphasis in writing.

5.0 Conclusion
The concepts that I will need to work on after conducting this analysis include eliminating
unnecessary material and stress emphasis. I enjoy fiction writing and therefore have a difficult
time keeping things short and dry. Eliminating unnecessary material also helps to create stress
emphasis where appropriate. In focusing on both of these concepts, my business writing skills
will greatly sharpen.