Paper2 (2).

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by Ryder Fuhrman

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PAPER2__2_.DOCX (8.04K)

T IME SUBMIT T ED

30-OCT -2016 10:06PM

WORD COUNT

1391

SUBMISSION ID

729307617

CHARACT ER COUNT

6369

of Pollan's

To
accompli
sh this,

Work on the transition here.

No ","

Frag.
3

likely

Again, the transition is weak.

You're making a fine point

here, but this argument all
hinges on whether or not
Pollan intended that we go
cold turkey and stop
immediately. It seems
unlikely to me. This
paragraph would be stronger
if you could find some textual
evidence (even just a hint)
that he wants us to stop right
away and not gradually, as
you suggest.

statement
11
13

You
14

15

Again, use the suggestions earlier to work on transition and topic sentences.

16
Frag.

17

ABC
HI

18

Art icle T it le

It al.

Paper2 (2).docx
ORIGINALITY REPORT

15

SIMILARIT Y INDEX

14%

0%

12%

INT ERNET SOURCES

PUBLICAT IONS

ST UDENT PAPERS

PRIMARY SOURCES

1
2

blackdoctor.org
Int ernet Source

Submitted to Foothill-De Anza Community

College District

4%
2%

St udent Paper

Submitted to Des Moines Area Community

College

2%

St udent Paper

4
5

Submitted to Campbell University

St udent Paper

Submitted to Pennsylvania State System of

Higher Education

2%
2%

St udent Paper

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8

healthesolutions.com
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www.thecrunchychicken.com
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m.friendfeed-media.com
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EXCLUDE QUOT ES

OFF

EXCLUDE
BIBLIOGRAPHY

OFF

EXCLUDE MAT CHES

OFF

Paper2 (2).docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE

GENERAL COMMENTS

/100

Instructor
Ryder,

I'm impressed by your paper in many ways! Like I

said in the paper, your intro is quite strong. Your
thesis is clear and concise. T he logic of your
argument, though it isn't always stated perf ectly on
the page, is possible to f ollow throughout. All of
this is excellent.

I do think this could be a high B or low A paper with

some changes to the structure of the body. Right
now, there are a couple problems with many of your
paragraphs. First, the transitions are weak and the
topic sentences are missing (quotes can't be topic
sentences). Second, probably because those topic
sentences are missing, it's really hard to see how
the paragraphs connect back to and progress
logically f rom the thesis. Your thesis leads a reader
to believe that you might discuss your agreement
with Pollan, then get into your disagreement, then
explain how we should alter the western diet. All of
this happens in the paper, but not in a super
organized f ashion.

Ultimately, working on topic sentences that connect

back to the thesis would be the best way to revise
this paper. While you're at it, work on transitions.
See the comment next to the beginning of the red
meat paragraph f or more details. I'd be happy to talk
to you more about this change because it's one
that's a little easier to discuss in person than in
writing.

T he comments in the paper discuss other, smaller

helpf ul changes, too. Don't neglect those if you

revise, but f ocus primarily on restructuring the body

of the paper.

Finally, you use "you" of ten. T his isn't a lesson

we've covered in class, so I won't take points of f f or
it here. Remember f or Paper 3 and revisions that
the second person pronoun is considered inf ormal
and awkward in academic writing (unless you really
are speaking to a specif ic reader).

Please let me know if you have questions!

PAGE 1

Text Comment.

T o accomplish this,

Comment 1
T his plan needs to be summarized somewhere in your paper. You could summarize it in a
couple lines here or spend a paragraph af ter the intro doing so.

Text Comment.

of Pollan's

Comment 2
Ryder, there are so many parts of this intro that are amazing! For one, you do one of the best
jobs I've seen of introducing some of Pollan's views. T he intro is structured well, and though
some links between sentences could be stronger, the overall f low of ideas create a nice context
f or your thesis. T hat thesis is also very clear and you avoid the list of items that usually
accompanies a thesis in a f ive paragraph essay. Overall, I'm thrilled to read this intro!

Text Comment.
QM

Work on the transition here.

No ","
Unnecessary comma:
Commas have a wide variety of uses: setting of f introductory phrases, separating items in lists,
separating adjectives, enclosing appositives, and preceding coordinating conjunctions that are
used to join two complete thoughts. However, commas should not be used alone to join two
complete thoughts or to unnecessarily break apart long sentences. Caref ul comma usage is
necessary to avoid conf using your readers.

QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 3
Overall, it's f ine to use your own personal experience here, but it's not the strongest support in
this case. Using the example of a handf ul of people doesn't create enough doubt in the link
between the Western diet and chronic disease. Could you perhaps f ind some inf ormation about
the f requency of diabetes or heart disease in the US or Europe compared to some Af rican or
indigenous communities in South America? T hat might be a stretch, but if you can f ind it, that
would be a stronger type of support.

Text Comment.

likely

Strikethrough.
Comment 5
T his could be a whole dif f erent paragraph. Without f urther explanation, it seems like you are
contradicting the beginning of the paragraph. I think you're saying that you don't disagree that
chronic disease is less a problem f or those who don't eat the Western diet; it's just that you are
skeptical that the Western diet is the direct cause of chronic disease because we should see
more people getting chronic disease who eat the Western diet. T his is a f ine statement and
logical thought process, but it needs a whole paragraph to truly get the point and concession
across.

In f act, I'd suggest making your concession in a paragraph bef ore this one and then going into
your disagreement about chronic disease. T hat's a more typical organization f or a concession-"I can agree....but..."
PAGE 2

Text Comment.

Again, the transition is weak.

Strikethrough.
Text Comment.

You're making a f ine point here, but this argument all hinges on whether or
not Pollan intended that we go cold turkey and stop immediately. It seems unlikely to me. T his
paragraph would be stronger if you could f ind some textual evidence (even just a hint) that he
wants us to stop right away and not gradually, as you suggest.

Comment 7
At the beginning of each of your paragraphs, the transitions are weak. One possible way to
work on the f irst two paragraphs would be to avoid starting them with inf ormation f rom Pollan.
Start with your own topic sentence that connects back to the thesis. For example, "One strong
point that Pollan makes is..." Another topic sentence might be "However, af ter this point,
Pollan's argument breaks down." Or "Another weak point is..." Or "Rather than leave the
Western diet completely, we should..."

Comment 8
Is every day moderation?

Comment 9
??
PAGE 3

Text Comment.

statement

Strikethrough.
Comment 11
T his would be more helpf ul early in the paragraph. It would help to know that Pollan is skeptical
of red meat bef ore you start supporting read meat. I'd suggest getting to this point by the
second or third sentence of the paragraph.

Strikethrough.
Comment 13
Combine these sentences.
QM

You
Avoid "you!"
Additional Comment
In the whole paragraph!

Comment 14
Some specif ics like restaurants that have vowed to keep antibiotics out of f oods would be
usef ul in this paragraph. Basically, can you make some of these examples concrete rather than
hypothetical? See the class session on development if you need more explanation.

Comment 15
T his paragraph seems to contain two points: one, that red meat is good f or you and should be
consumed in moderation; and two, that Pollan's skepticism about what goes into red meat isn't
necessarily a strong argument. Since you never show that Pollan is completely against red
meat, just skeptical of the diet and medicine cows are given, I'd suggest getting rid of the
beginning of the paragraph. T he second point is the stronger one.

Text Comment.

Again, use the suggestions earlier to work on transition and topic

sentences.
PAGE 4

Comment 16
Where in your paper do you specif ically talk about the changes we should make? I'm not saying
you don't; I'm saying that your paper more of ten seems a critique of Pollan's ideas than a clear
plan to modif y the Western diet. T his piece of the argument could just be much clearer.
QM

Frag.
Fragment:
A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragments
become problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. T he most
common version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like a
noun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk to
dawn."

Comment 17
Work on the connection between sentences in this last paragraph, especially between this
quote and the rest of the paragraph. It seems a little tacked on.
PAGE 5

QM

ABC
Don't f orget alphabetical order!

QM

HI
Don't f orget hanging indent!

Comment 18
Last name f irst
QM

Article Title
T his is an article title, the smaller work. T hat means it should be in quotation marks.

T his is an article title, the smaller work. T hat means it should be in quotation marks.
QM

Ital.
Italicize