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C H A P T E R

T H I R T E E N

Negotiate
What You Want
It may surprise you to know that the key to successful negotiation is not just
knowing what to say and when to say it. Wealth, success, happinesswhatever you
desire, you can achieve. Learn the principles to successful negotiation and you can
unlock, harness and develop your potential to achieve a new, positive, and successoriented self-awareness. This chapter covers both the human potential concepts that can
help position you to become a better negotiator, and the practical, easy to apply, tactical
elements and strategies necessary for powerful negotiation. These tips will help you
become a winner, to get what you wantthose dreams, wishes and fantasies that will
make your life a delight.

1. Realize that you alone are the source of all


the conditions and situations in your life.
The state of your health, your finances, your personal relationships, your
professional lifeall of it is your doing; yours and no one elses. Look carefully at any
situation in your life and be honest about it. If you are honest with yourself, you will
eventually see that, either consciously or subconsciously, you set it up to be that way.
Whether you are aware of it or not, youve allowed that situation to remain as it is, even
though youve had the ability to change it all along. When you accept responsibility for
creating a situation, you are ready to accept responsibility for changing it. And when
you assume responsibility for changing it, you take control of your life.
When you take control of your life, you exhibit power, which is the key to your
ability to negotiate. Power is the capacity to get things done, to exercise control over
people, events, situations, and oneself. However, power is based on perceptionif you
think youve got it then youve got it.

2. Establish clarity of intent.


Your first priority is to establish clarity of intent with no indecisiveness whatsoever.
This is half the battle. When you form clarity of intent and stick to it, you will eventually
achieve the results you want. Intention leads to action. One important thing to
remember: dont be afraid to make a mistake or change your mind. Your goals exist to
serve you; you dont exist to serve them. You are free to change what you want if it
doesnt suit you. Sometimes there is no way to find out whether or not a particular goal
really suits you until you try it. Even if it turns out that its not what you want, you will
have had the experience of making real progress toward a goal, and you will have
learned the practical skills to accomplish it.

3. Apply the concept of willingness.


Willingness is having an open frame of mind; be receptive to the possible, the
untried, the unproven. Willingness doesnt make judgments. It doesnt make excuses for
why things cannot be. It doesnt refuse what is asked of it, no matter how illogical the
request may seem. When you become absolutely clear in your own mind that you are
willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goal, the principle of willingness will
start creating shortcuts for you by illuminating the need to do certain things. It brings
your goal to you with increasing acceleration and without all the trouble you thought
necessary.
The principle that makes willingness work has four parts: a concept, a law, a
phenomenon and a power. First: the concept of thoughts as things. Therefore, if a
thought is a thing in a physical universe, it is governed by the same physical laws as
other things. One of those physical universal laws is second: the law of physical
attraction. Things attract things. Whenever you think something, the thought
immediately attracts its physical equivalent. Therefore, What the human mind can
conceive and believe, it can achieve, as Napoleon Hill says. Third, a phenomenon then
occurs: the phenomenon of acceleration. When things begin moving toward each other,
they move at an ever-increasing rate. The fourth element of the willingness principle is:
the power of an open mind.
Commitment, a feeling of confidence that youll pursue what you want no matter
what happens, is essential. Ask life or other people for that which truly delights,
empowers or helps you grow. Hold a firm belief that what you want is so desirable and
so important that it is worth doing whatever you must do to get it. To succeed, you must
be willing to take risks and to do whatever it takes to accomplish it.
Risk-taking involves mixing courage with common sense. If you dont take risks, the
other side will manipulate you. Intelligent risk-taking requires a willingness to shrug
your shoulders and absorb a manageable loss without whiningthe chance of a setback
is the price you must pay for any progress. You must be willing to give up something in
order to get something. You dont have to do anything, but you must be willing to do it.
Non-action is just as capable of producing results as action.

4. Overcome the blocks to asking.


There are three blocks that keep people from asking for what they need: fear, pride,
and low self-esteem. Fear is responsible for all the disturbances in life, large or small,
international or interpersonal. Hatred, anger, possessiveness, tension, anxiety, greed,
inhibition, stress, frustrations, hang-ups, phobias, insecurities ... all are fear-based
emotions. Fear paralyzes us and keeps us from acting when we need to act. It could stop
us from making a growth choice when it would be in our best interest. In accepting the
fear, and living with it, you are imprisoned within it. Courage is a matter of being afraid
and choosing to act anyway. When you choose not to act because of fear, you begin to
avoid life.
The second block to asking is pride. One form of pride is blaming. It is easier to be a
victim and blame others for your circumstances than it is to take responsibility for your
life. Realize the futility of blame. From a human potential perspective, blame is self-pity.
If you remove the self-pity, all that is left is self-responsibility and the awareness that
you are the creator of your own circumstances. Ask your mate, children, parents, in-

laws, employees and friends what they think you should be doing with your life and
everyone will give you a different answer. It is your life. You will have to control it.
The third block is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a self-imposed limitation. The
first step to rising above this restrictive thinking is to become clear on your intent in the
negotiation. Exactly what do you want, why do you want it, and what are you willing to
do to get it? Once youve drawn that line, never cross it. Never do anything that lowers
your self-esteem. If it adversely affects your well-being, walk away from it. No matter
how tense the negotiation gets, never lower your standards just to achieve the goal you
desire. Absolutely nothing is worth the extreme negativity a loss of self-respect would
bring.
High self-esteem results from what we do in life, not from what we have. When your
conduct is below your standard and you dont correct it, your self-image will suffer.
When you do things that make you feel good about yourself, your self-esteem and your
self-image is enhanced.

5. Use creative visualization and


imagination to reach your goal.
Prior to any negotiation, do a dress rehearsal. Envision all possible scenarios so that
you are prepared. This will enable you to be self-confident. Keep a strong mental picture
of what you desire firmly in your mind. Then relax and visualize how you will feel
when you attain it. This visualization will release chemicals in your brain, causing a
pleasure reaction the same as if you had already attained your goal. This positive
feedback will encourage you to continue reaching for your goal.

6. Ask the right person.


Try not to negotiate with a person who lacks authority; its a waste of your time. Ask
the appropriate person or keep looking until you find the right person. Dont be afraid
to approach successful people. Approach an intermediary. Ask someone who can and
who wants to say yes. Explain why you need assistance. Show how the persons help
will make a difference; people will want to help you if your purpose seems sound and
good. Show that you intend to give your best efforts; if you ask for help without putting
forth your best efforts, people wont be eager to assist you.

7. Ask effectively.
If you ask in the right way, anything is possible. You can have whatever you want in
life: wealth, material goods, happiness, rich life experiences, fulfilling relationships, and
more. Before you ask, know what you really need or want. Remember, you must have
clarity of intent. Certainty inspires confidence and support.
Ask for the essentials first. This is very important. The people who get what they want
in this world are those who can work and live lean. Cut back your unrealistic desires
and be selective in what you ask for; dont ask for the wrong things. Too many people
think that luxuries are necessities and their wants become endless. Sometimes people
ask for things that will not help them get what they really want.

8. How you ask is as important as what you ask:


Use cleverness and humor in your approach.
Learn to ask artfully. Getting what you want in life sometimes requires the courage
to try a new direction when what youre doing doesnt seem to be getting you what you
need. Use cleverness and humor in your approach; it not only arouses curiosity, it also
frequently overcomes resistance or opposition. A clever or imaginative request is often
memorable, and can make more of an impression on others. Dont limit yourself to
talking or writing; try asking with more than just wordsask with your actions, too.
Try different angles. Use your creativity and be flexible in making requests. If one
approach doesnt work, try another. Askwith a smile, by example, through a gesture.

9. Dont be an island. Garner


support and include other people.
Involve the other person in what youre asking for; this will draw them to your side.
Persuade others to help, get them involved in the planning and decision making, and
they will shoulder part of the burden. Your ability to gain the commitment of others
magnifies the impact of your words and gives you power. By dispersing the overall risk
through the support of others, you can use circumstances to your best advantage while
lessening your own stress levels.
When you ask for something, go beyond yourself; help the person youre asking, to
go beyond him or herself too. Include other people in your dreams and desires. Share
what you have; youll appreciate what you have all the more because the spirit of
sharing will enrich your life. Remember, people support that which they help create.

10. Be your own expert.


If the negotiation is important enough to win, it is worth your time to prepare for.
Compose a checklist of points to be covered. Try to have all the relevant facts at hand.
Offer evidence: facts, figures, expert opinions, and keep your reference materials within
easy reach. Learn to be your own expert. Establish your background and credentials
early in the negotiation. Use the power of legitimacy; documents carry authority and
people tend not to question the printed word. Use the power of precedent: justify what
youre asking for by referring to other similar situations, but be careful to use an
example with the outcome beneficial to you, or this can backfire.

11. Never let them know your deadline.


Be aware of the time element when you negotiate. The way you view and use time
can be crucial to your success. The other side always has a time limitation or a deadline.
Your best strategy is not to reveal your own deadline. If you are aware of their time
limits and they dont know yours, you will have the advantage. Be calm, patient and
alert for the favorable moment to act. If you are able to project an attitude of having all
the time in the world to conduct negotiation, frequently the other side will give you
what you want in order to end the encounter. Always be relaxed and calm.

12. Determine the other persons unspoken needs.


In any negotiation, there are two things being bargained for: the specific issues and
demandsthe points under negotiation, and the unspoken needs, which are usually the
real needs of the other side. Logic in and of itself will rarely influence people. If you
want to persuade people, show the immediate relevance and value of what youre
saying in terms of meeting their needs and desires. Be sensitive to the nonverbal cues the
other is giving. A vital piece of information in any negotiation is a knowledge of the
other partys real limits. Very often, this can be determined by looking at the concessions
the other side offers. The pattern of concessions can be the real clue to just how far
others will go. In order to successfully negotiate with anyone, you are virtually assured
of success if you can determine what the others needs really are and fulfill them. The
old clich has a lot of truth to it: give, in order to receive.

13. Approach each person on a human level.


Give the person youre negotiating with respect, appreciation, human warmth,
understanding, the prospect of future success or credit. Courtesy and respect for others
will make people think a little more kindly of you. It will open their minds to your needs
or interests and predispose them to consider your request more favorably. No matter
what you want from others, youre more likely to get it if you show sincere respect.
Also, give the other person the right to say no. But always give something to the other
person. Get the other person to identify with you by acting professionally and
reasonably. In this way you will gain their cooperation, loyalty and respect. Try to
convey understanding and empathy; speak to the other persons needs, hopes, dreams,
and aspirations. Approach each person on a human level with the hope that you can
help them solve their own problem.

14. Request or invite, never demand or beg.


These are the two biggest mistakes you can make in negotiating what you want.
How to tell if you are demanding rather than making a request: demands usually take
one of two formsabusiveness or threats. Begging is demanding and shows a sense of
insecurity. In many cases, people do not realize they are begging, but apple polishing,
insincere flattery, whining and complaining are forms of begging. Never ask from
weakness, even if you are down and out. Never ask with a sledgehammer, even if
youve got one. Be dignified but not pompous.

15. Dress appropriately.


The first four minutes will determine a great deal of the outcome in any negotiation.
In addition to having your case well-prepared, be careful about your appearance.
Appearances do count; even the best-laid plans can backfire if your personal appearance
is not appropriate. You dont need to have lots of money or to dress expensively, but it is
important to be well-groomed and dressed neatly. Lack of concern for you appearance
implies casualness and a lack of respect for the other person. Also, show respect in word
and deed. Look cheerful; communicate confidence with your body language. Create a
comfort zone. Respect the other persons time. Dont contradict people. Make people feel

important; say please, thank you and Im sorry when these phrases are called for.
Say thanks in advance. When youre wrong say so.

16. Schedule negotiations in your own


office or surroundings.
When possible, schedule negotiations in your own office or surroundings. Studies
show that negotiations are more likely to be decided in favor of the one whose territory
they are conducted in. Familiar surroundings will put you at ease while giving you a
subliminal edge over your opponent. When it is not possible to schedule negotiations in
your own surroundings, choose a neutral location for the negotiation; you wont have
the edge of being on your own territory, but neither will the other person.

17. Eat the right meal at the right time.


Negotiating over a power lunch or breakfast can assist your negotiation skills. Brain
foods, such as fish, liver and eggs supply lecithin and choline, which are nutrients that
maintain and enhance the brains ability to reason. If you are concerned about
cholesterol levels, other good sources of lecithin and choline include cabbage,
cauliflower and soybeans. Choline contributes to optimal brain performance by
increasing the rate of the brains metabolism. It maintains the structural integrity of the
synapses, which are the points of communication between brain cells. Your overall diet
plays a key role in negotiating, for it affects not only how you look but how you feel. A
good diet will enable you to project that aura of power and charisma necessary to
successful negotiation.
You can regulate your brains performance and keep your levels of energy high
during negotiations not only by what you eat but by when you eat it. Post-meal
drowsiness can cause you to flub an important negotiation. Instead, to keep your body
firing on all cylinders, keep carbohydrate intake at breakfast and lunch to a minimum.
Emphasize protein in your morning and midday meal; it will keep you alert.

18. Use stress-reducing strategies to


ease physical and emotional tension.
No matter how important your negotiations are, your number one enemy is stress.
Stress produces anxiety and worry, narrowing your focus of attention so important cues
and perceptions may be missed. You will perform best when you are in a calm, relaxed
state of mind. Continued tension, turmoil and anxiety clutter your mind, decreasing
your thinking and negotiating ability. It may seem difficult to deliberately force yourself
not to worry, but worry is directly related to physical tension. Ease the physical tension
and your mind will follow. Soothing music, deep breathing, meditation, yoga, regular
exercise and progressive relaxation are effective stress-reducing strategies to achieve a
calm emotional state, reduce mental clutter and put you in control of the situation.
Youll have more energy, youll be under reduced stress and youll get better results
because your attitude will convey your feeling of power and mastery of your life.

19. Never give up.


The people who react negatively to your proposal may simply need time to evaluate
it and adjust their thinking. With the passage of sufficient time and repeated requests on
your part, almost every No can be transformed into a Yes. When direct requests
dont work, its sometimes easier to go around an obstacle than through it. One of the
most effective ways to approach others who are irritable is to appeal to their ego or selfimportance.
Ask ... and keep asking until you succeed. Persistence and perseverance pays. Be
tenaciousasking makes things happen. If you want to get anything, accomplish
anything, or enjoy anything, youve got to communicate your needs. Its not enough to
know what you want ... or to pick the right person to ask ... or to prepare a good case,
and to apply the other tips if you dont ask! Failure stems from not asking; success starts
with asking for what you want.
Too many people fall into the ears only category; they enjoy reading these tips and
dreaming about what could be; they may even learn a few things, but they do little or
nothing to attain their goals. They intellectualize but never seem to actualize. However,
success comes not just from visualizing your success but from your follow-through.
Learn how to apply the basic principles of negotiation in your daily life, and you will get
what you want. A critically important piece of advice is: DO IT!

20. Use self-hypnosis.


Daily use of self-hypnosis mind programming will support your goal of negotiating
what you want. The final chapter tells you how.

Negotiate What You Want Summary


1. Realize you alone are the source of all the conditions and situations in your life.
2. Establish clarity of intent.
3. Apply the concept of willingness.
4. Overcome the blocks to asking.
5. Use creative visualization and imagination to reach your goal.
6. Ask the right person.
7. Ask effectively.
8. How you ask is as important as what you ask;
use cleverness and humor in your approach.
9. Dont be an island. Garner support and include other people.
10. Be your own expert.
11. Never let them know your deadline.
12. Determine the other persons unspoken needs.
13. Approach each person on a human level.
14. Request or invite, never demand or beg.

15. Dress appropriately.


16. Schedule negotiations in your own office or surroundings.
17. Eat the right meal at the right time.
18. Use stress reducing strategies to ease physical and emotional tension.
19. Never give up.

Affirmations

The final chapter explains how to use the following affirmations as self-talk and how
to include them in a self-hypnosis format for daily mind programming.
I know exactly what I want and I am willing to do what is necessary to attain my goal.
I am a successful negotiator and I achieve my desires.
I carefully look at each situation and take the risks necessary to accomplish my goal.
I have the power and ability to attain my desires. I now rise above the self-imposed blocks to get what
I want.
I am persistent in getting what I want. If one approach does not work, I try another.
I am creative and imaginative in the way I negotiate with others.
I recognize and use each opportunity to my advantage.
I know how to ask for what I want.
By helping others I receive help in return.