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7 Ways to Get People To Like You From an FBI Behavior Expert

By Eric Barker
Feb. 26, 2016

It's easier than you think

Meeting new people can be awkward. What should you say? How can you make a good impression? How do you keep a conversation going?
Research shows relationships are vital to happiness and networking is the key to getting jobs and building a fulfilling career.

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But whats the best way to build rapport and create trust? Plain and simple, who can explain how to get people to like you?
Robin Dreeke can.
Robin was head of the FBIs Behavioral Analysis Program and has studied interpersonal relations for over 27 years.
He is the author of the excellent book, Its Not All About Me: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone.
I gave Robin a call to get some answers. (Note that Robin is not speaking for the FBI here, these are his expert insights.)
Related post: 6 Hostage Negotiation Techniques That Will Get You What You Want
Youre going to learn:
1. The #1 secret to clicking with people.
2. How to put strangers at ease.
3. The thing you do that turns people off the most.
4. How to use body language like a pro.
5. Some great verbal jiu-jitsu to use on people who try to manipulate you.
And a lot more. Okay, lets learn something.
1) The Most Important Thing To Do With Anyone You Meet
Robins #1 piece of advice: Seek someone elses thoughts and opinions without judging them.
Ask questions. Listen. But dont judge. Nobody including you likes to feel judged.
Heres Robin:
The number one strategy I constantly keep in the forefront of my mind with everyone I talk to is non-judgmental validation. Seek
someone elses thoughts and opinions without judging them. People do not want to be judged in any thought or opinion that they have
or in any action that they take.
It doesnt mean you agree with someone. Validation is taking the time to understand what their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations
are.
So what should you do when people start spouting crazy talk? Heres Robin:
What I prefer to try to do is, as soon as I hear something that I dont necessarily agree with or understand, instead of judging it my
first reaction is, Oh, thats really fascinating. I never heard it in quite that way. Help me understand. How did you come up with
that?
Youre not judging, youre showing interest. And that lets people calmly continue talking about their favorite subject: themselves.
Studies show people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do from food or money:
Talking about ourselveswhether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twittertriggers the
same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money
(To learn how FBI hostage negotiators build rapport and trust, click here.)
So youve stopped being Judgy Judgerson and youre happily validating. Oh, if it were only that easy Whats the problem here? Your ego.
Related post: How To Stop Being Lazy And Get More Done 5 Expert Tips
2) Suspend Your Ego To Make People Love You
Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. (Comment sections on the internet are fueled by this, arent they?)
And it kills rapport. Want to correct someone? Want to one-up them with your clever little story? Dont do it.
Heres Robin:
Ego suspension is putting your own needs, wants and opinions aside. Consciously ignore your desire to be correct and to correct
someone else. Its not allowing yourself to get emotionally hijacked by a situation where you might not agree with someones
thoughts, opinions or actions.
Contradicting people doesnt build relationships. Dale Carnegie said it many years ago and modern neuroscience agrees.
When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts down and their brain prepares to fight.
Via Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential:
So what happened in peoples brains when they saw information that contradicted their worldview in a charged political
environment? As soon as they recognized the video clips as being in conflict with their worldview, the parts of the brain that handle
reason and logic went dormant. And the parts of the brain that handle hostile attacks the fight-or-flight response lit up.

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(For more on keeping a conversation fun, click here.)

So youve stopped trying to be clever. But how do you get a reputation as a great listener?
3) How To Be A Good Listener
Weve all heard that listening skills are vital but nobody explains the right way to do it. Whats the secret?
Stop thinking about what youre going to say next and focus on what theyre saying right now.
Be curious and ask to hear more about what interests you.
Heres Robin:
Listening isnt shutting up. Listening is having nothing to say. Theres a difference there. If you just shut up, it means youre still
thinking about what you wanted to say. Youre just not saying it. The second that I think about my response, Im half listening to
what youre saying because Im really waiting for the opportunity to tell you my story.
What you do is this: as soon as you have that story or thought that you want to share, toss it. Consciously tell yourself, I am not
going to say it.
All you should be doing is asking yourself, What idea or thought that they mentioned do I find fascinating and want to explore?
Research shows just asking people to tell you more makes you more likable and gets them to want to help you.
The basics of active listening are pretty straightforward:
1. Listen to what they say. Dont interrupt, disagree or evaluate.
2. Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like yes and uh-huh.
3. Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.
4. Inquire. Ask questions that show youve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.
(To learn the listening techniques of FBI hostage negotiators, click here.)

I know, I know some people are just boring. Youre not that interested in what theyre saying. So what questions do you ask then, smart guy?
4) The Best Question To Ask People
Life can be tough for everyone: rich or poor, old or young. Everyone.
We all face challenges and we like to talk about them. So thats what to ask about.
Heres Robin:
A great question I love is challenges. What kind of challenges did you have at work this week? What kind of challenges do you have
living in this part of the country? What kinds of challenges do you have raising teenagers? Everyone has got challenges. It gets
people to share what their priorities in life are at that point in time.
Questions are incredibly powerful. Whats one of the most potent ways to influence someone? Merely asking for advice.
Via Adam Grants excellent Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:
Studies demonstrate that across the manufacturing, financial services, insurance, and pharmaceuticals industries, seeking advice is
among the most effective ways to influence peers, superiors, and subordinates. Advice seeking tends to be significantly more
persuasive than the takers preferred tactics of pressuring subordinates and ingratiating superiors. Advice seeking is also consistently
more influential than the matchers default approach of trading favors.
Twisting your mustache thinking you can use this for nefarious purposes? Wrong, Snidely Whiplash. It only works when youre sincere.

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Via Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:

In her research on advice seeking, Liljenquist finds that success depends on the target perceiving it as a sincere and authentic
gesture. When she directly encouraged people to seek advice as an influence strategy, it fell flat.
(For a list of the questions that can create a strong bond in minutes, click here.)
Related post: New Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More Successful
But what if you have to approach someone cold? How do you get people who might not want to talk to you to willingly give you their attention?
5) How To Make Strangers Feel At Ease
First thing: tell them you only have a minute because youre headed out the door.
Heres Robin:
When people think youre leaving soon, they relax. If you sit down next to someone at a bar and say, Hey, can I buy you a drink?
their shields go way up. Its Who are you, what do you want, and when are you leaving? That when are you leaving is what
youve got to answer in the first couple of seconds.
Research shows just asking people if now is a good time makes them more likely to comply with requests:
The results showed that compliance rates were higher when the requester inquired about respondents availability and waited for a
response than when he pursued his set speech without waiting and inquiring about respondents availability.
Nobody wants to feel trapped talking to some weirdo. People are more likely to help you than you think, but they need to feel safe and in control.
(For more on how to make friends easily, click here.)
Even if you get all of the above right you can still come off like a shady used car salesman. And that fear stops you from meeting new awesome
people.
Robin says one of the key reasons people come off as untrustworthy is because their words and their body language are misaligned. Lets fix that.
6) The Best Body Language For Building Rapport
You words should be positive, free of ego and judgment and your body language (non-verbals) needs to match.
Here are the things Robin recommends:
1. The number one thing is youve gotta smile. You absolutely have to smile. A smile is a great way to engender trust.
2. Keep that chin angle down so it doesnt appear like youre looking down your nose at anyone. And if you can show a little
bit of a head tilt, thats always wonderful.
3. You dont want to give a full frontal, full body display. That could be very offensive to someone. Give a little bit of an
angle.
4. Keep your palms up as youre talking, as opposed to palms down. That says, Im hearing what youre saying. Im open to
what your ideas are.
5. So I always want to make sure that Im showing good, open, comfortable non-verbals. I just try to use high eyebrow
elevations. Basically, anything going up and elevating is very open and comforting. Anything that is compressing: lip
compression, eyebrow compression, where youre squishing down, thats conveying stress.
Research backs him up. From Dale Carnegie to peer-reviewed studies, everyone says smiles matter. (In fact, to increase their power, smile
slower.)
It makes us happier too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much pleasure as 2000 bars of chocolate or $25,000.
Via Smile: The Astonishing Powers of a Simple Act:
Depending on whose smile you see, the researchers found that one smile can be as pleasurable and stimulating as up to 2,000 bars of
chocolate! it took up to 16,000 pounds sterling in cash to generate the same level of brain stimulation as one smile! This is
equivalent to about $25,000 per smile
(To learn how to decode body language and read people like a book, click here.)
So now you come off as the pleasant person you are, not as a scheming taker. But what do you do when the other person is a scheming taker?
7) How To Deal With Someone You Dont Trust
The name of this blog is not Helpful Tools For Sociopaths. Im not trying to teach you to manipulate others.
But what should do you do when you feel someone is using these methods to try and manipulate you?
Dont be hostile but be direct: ask them what they want. What are their goals in this interaction?
Heres Robin:
The first thing I try to do is clarify goals. Ill stop and say, Youre throwing a lot of good words at me. Obviously youre very skilled

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at what youre doing. But what Im really curious about Whats your goal? What are you trying to achieve? Im here with my
goals, but obviously you have to achieve your goals. So if you can just tell me what your objectives are, we can start from there and
see if we can mutually take care of them. If not, thats fine too.
I watch for validation. If someone is trying to validate me and my thoughts and opinions, I am alert to it. I love doing that as well. So
now Im looking for intent. Are you there for me or are you there for you? If you are there strictly for your own gain and youre not
talking in terms of my priorities ever, thats when Im seeing someone is there to manipulate me.
Want to build a connection with someone? Focus on trust, not tricks. Thats how you earn respect. Trust is fragile. And mistrust is self-fulfilling.
Related post: This Body Language Makes You Look Like a Leader
When you ask people what the most important character trait is, what do they say? Trustworthiness.
Participants in 3 studies considered various characteristics for ideal members of interdependent groups (e.g., work teams, athletic
teams) and relationships (e.g., family members, employees). Across different measures of trait importance and different groups and
relationships, trustworthiness was considered extremely important for all interdependent others
(To learn how to detect lies, click here.)
Thats a lot more to digest than Just be yourself but far more effective. Lets round it up and make it something you can start using today.
Sum Up
Here are Robins tips:
1. The single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone elses thoughts and opinions without judging them.
2. Suspend your ego. Focus on them.
3. Really listen, dont just wait to talk. Ask them questions; dont try to come up with stories to impress.
4. Ask people about whats been challenging them.
5. Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease.
6. Smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open and upward non-verbals.
7. If you think someone is trying to manipulate you, clarify goals. Dont be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about
what they want.
(For more insights from Robins book, click here.)
Robins a fascinating guy and we ended up speaking for over an hour, so the above is just part of what he had to say. To learn more from Robin
(including the one type of body language that causes you to screw everything up), join over 130,000 readers and get my free weekly update here.
Ill be sending out an extended interview in my next weekly email update.
This piece originally appeared on Barking Up the Wrong Tree.
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