10 Habits of Happy Muslim Couples

11/10/2015
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10 Habits of Happy Muslim Couples
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Zaynab Chinoy
April 8
Islam & Productivity
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Photo Credit: Miri Huh at flickr(dot)com/photos/103412103@N05/9963824836

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What does it take to stay Muslim, married and extremely happy today?As oxymoronic as that
just sounded, believe it or not, itsabsolutely possible!
Marriage, especially for Muslims, is a lot more than having someone to call a husband or wife.
The marital relationship is an incredible blessing and divine sign, as Allah
says in the
Quran:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that
you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection
and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
[Quran: Chapter 30, Verse 21]
The whole purpose of having a spouse is to find tranquility in and with them; and our
relationships with our spouses have signs that Allah
is asking us to give thought to.
How are some Muslim couples finding this tranquility in their marriage while many others
seem to behaving a miserable time? What are those couples whose eyes exude deep love
and contentment doingright in their relationships?
Hereare the top 10 habits of Muslim couples whove found tranquility and happiness in
their marriage:
1. They love each other for Allahs sake

What does it mean to love each other for Allahs sake? It means you make the love and
obedience of Allah
the basis and focus of your relationship with someone else. It means
you love someone so much that you want your love for them to last beyond this lifetime and
into the Hereafter, where you can live in eternal happiness with them having earned Allahs
pleasure together. It means you love someone purely because of how much they remind you
of Allah
and help you get closer to Him.
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Hold it right there. I know what you just thought: but my wife/husband doesnt remind me of
Allah at all.
A lot of people who marry each other even for primarily religious reasons end up
disappointed after marriage when they suddenly find their spouse not praying all the sunnah
prayers (like they thought they would) or reading the Quran everyday or the morning and
evening adhkar or fasting Mondays and Thursdays or being excited about attending halaqahs
or praying tahajjud or doing something for the Ummah like they thought they would. Our
own restrictions of spirituality to acts of physical or outward worship blind us from seeing how
much our spouses contribute to improving our character, which is an unsurpassed form of
spiritual growth, because the Prophet
says:
Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character.

Indeed the person with good character will have attained the rank of
the person of fasting and prayer. [Tirmidhi]
Your spouse has loved you for Allahs sake every time they have:
stopped you from harboring suspicions or ill-will (about your boss or competitor or any
other annoying person in your life)
stopped you from backbiting (about your friends, colleagues, in-laws (ahem))
helped you be more kind and gentle in your speech and manners (to helpers, waiters,
laborers, siblings, elders and children)
helped you fulfill peoples trusts (by encouraging you to get to work on time and do the
best at your job, to pay off your debts, to keep peoples secrets)
helped you be more honest with yourself or to others
helped you forgive someone and overlook their faults
helped you become more generous or less extravagant
helped you recognize and overcome the weaknesses of your innerself
In all of the above and so many other times that go unnoticed, committed Muslim spouses
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consistently help each other get closer to Allah

may lower them in the sight of Allah
. They stop each other from anything that
and constantly help each other win Allahs love.
Truly happy Muslim couples engage in winning Allahs pleasure together whenever and in any
way they can: they glorify Allah
together in the quiet hours of Fajr, they thank Allah
in
tahajjud together, they make it a point to read a minimum amount of Quran everyday, they do
regular or even random acts of kindness and charity and they maintain loving and happy ties
with each others families.
2. They are grateful for each other

If there is one fundamental need that exists in every single human relationship, it is the
need to feel relevant and appreciated. And there is no other relationship where this need is
as grossly overlooked and abused, as in marriage. Why does this happen? Is it because
humans tend to take things for granted, especially when theyre done by those closest to
them?
When youre newly married, every single thing your spouse does for you feels so special. As
time goes by, your husband going out to work hard and earn for the family becomes normal;
and a few years later it becomes his duty anyway. Similarly, every meal your new bride
cooks is delightful, then somehow the salt always seems to keep getting lesser, till eventually
shes not doing anyone a favor by just doing her job.
Sounds familiar? Oh yes, ungrateful Muslim spouse speaking right there!
Happy Muslim couples live and breathe this hadith in their marriage:
He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah. [Abu
Dawud]
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What is not there to thank your spouse for? Here are 5 reasons to thank your spouse right
now:
1. For providing you a roof to live under/for making a home out of your house
2. For buying you clothes to wear/for making sure you have clean clothes to wear
everyday
3. For buying you the food you eat everyday/for making delicious meals for you everyday
4. For being there to take you where you need to go/for being there to take care of the
house when youre away
5. For coming back home to you every evening/for being the person you can come home
to everyday
Allah
says in the Quran:
If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you
deny, indeed, My punishment is severe. [Quran: Chapter 14, Verse 7]
Our spouses are an immense favor and blessing of Allah
upon us: they are an
irreplaceable source of spiritual, emotional, mental and physical comfort. Happy Muslim
couples keep getting happier because they simply implement the command of Allah
the above verse: They are grateful everyday for each other, so Allah
happiness they find in each other, just like He
in
increases the
promised.
The verse doesnt end there though. The last half of the verse should send a chill down every
married persons spine: if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.
How many times have our egos stopped us from acknowledging and appreciating our
spouses? How many times have we denied all the good theyve done for us through a single
word or sentence in the middle of a senseless argument? Every conflict left unresolved, every
hurtful word exchanged and every baseless complaint is a refusal to value one of Allahs best
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gifts to us: a spouse. It is a denial of a favor Allah
has blessed us with that many are
longing for. And you dont have to wait for the Hereafter to bear the consequences of such
denial. Days of depression, frustration, anger, spite, lack of barakah (blessing), and even
illness and hardships make life living hell for those who refuse to be grateful in their
marriages.
Allah
also says in the Quran:
And as for your Lords favor, then discourse about it! (i.e., proclaim it).
[Quran: Chapter 93, Verse 11]
So if you arent doing so already, stop holding back and proclaim to your spouse how grateful
you are for them!
You and your spouse can start becoming grateful for each other right now by:
thanking each other for at least one thing everyday: you could do this through a text
message, a note in a lunchbox or on the fridge, or just before you go to sleep at night
(brothers, I promise you will not decrease in height if you do this)
exchanging a smile that says thank you, you mean the world to me
saying thank you/jazak Allah khayr every time your spouse does something for you
getting/doing small things for your spouse that you know they will absolutely love
writing down things about each other youre grateful for in a journal and exchanging
your journals regularly: journaling makes you reflect, realize and truly internalize what
youre thinking about. Theres nothing better than internalizing the gratitude you feel
towards your spouse; and theres nothing more heart-warming for them to read than
what youve written from the depths of your heart!
3. They communicate like best friends

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What a Whatsapp conversation looks like a few years into a typical marriage:
Need bread.
K.
I mean, cmon: K?? Not even an o to make that miserable k look a little less miserable?!
What happens to married peoples manners, interest, enthusiasm and most importantly good
assumptions when talking to their spouses? Is it okay to talk this way because youre just so
used to someone? Why do we not talk this way to people weve been friends with for years?
What makes a spouse less-deserving of respect, enthusiasm and affection when no one
deserves it more than them (except our parents) for choosing to live every single day with us?
Why do we not talk to our spouses like we talk to our best friends, even though they are much
closer to us than anyone will ever be?
Happy Muslim couples talk like best friends, in good times and in conflict. In good times,
they wait to tell each other about their day, they joke, laugh, share ideas, flirt, compliment
each other, respect their spouses right to hold different opinions and learn from each others
opposing points of view.In fact, happy Muslim couples communicate just like the Prophet
and his wives did.

Aisha
narrated that:
Allahs Messenger
said to her: I know when you are pleased with
me or angry with me. I said, Whence do you know that? He said,

When you are pleased with me, you say, No, by the Lord of
Muhammad, but when you are angry with me, then you say, No, by
the Lord of Abraham. Thereupon I said, Yes (you are right), but by
Allah, O Allahs Messenger, I leave nothing but your name. [Bukhari]
Couples that have learnt to communicate effectively do away with the majority of marital
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stress because they become so attuned to each others feelings that they can immediately
sense the emotional state of their spouse through the slightest change in words or tone.
Andas our beloved Aisha
put it so beautifully even in anger; happy, loving Muslim
spouses never desert anything more than each others name when they try to communicate
that they feel wronged or hurt. They never desert love and respect for each other in conflict:
this, is the key to staying happy in your marriage.
4. They never lose focus of each others

primary needs
What Ive personally discovered through my own marriage and from those of all the people
whove discussed marital issues with me, is that the primary reason for continuous marital
stress and discord is almost always due to the neglect of a spouses primary needs.
A lot of books (by Muslim and non-Muslim authors alike) tend to classify primary marital needs
based on gender or a spouses role in the marriage. You mustve definitely read about mens
primary needs being respect and physical satisfaction, and that women prioritize the need for
love, verbal expression and emotional satisfaction. However true these classifications may
seem in theory, theyre far from practical reality, because the truth is: both men and women
need love, respect, physical and emotional satisfaction, just in different degrees and ways of
expression.
Men and women are equally human: Allah
has created both genders with a sense of
human dignity, with physical desires and with hearts that have feelings. When wives get
snappy and say mean things to their spouses, husbands do feel hurt and unloved; and when
husbands are rude and hurl insults at their spouses, wives do feel humiliated and
disrespected. When a womans physical desires are consistently dismissed or left half-fulfilled,
she feels as frustrated as a man in such situations does; and when a man never hears any
words of appreciation or admiration, he feels as underappreciated and unvalued as a woman
in these situations does.
Every marriage is made up of two unique people of opposite genders. Thats why, what works
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for one couple may not necessarily work in your marriage, because you and your spouse are
different people altogether with different preferences, priorities and circumstances. For this
reason, generally accepted theories that may apply to many marriages may not apply to many
others because different people are different. And happy Muslim couples have this figured
out. It is extremely crucial for the health of your marriage that you sit down with your spouse
and figure out what is important to them, and how theyve always expected you to fulfill those
needs for them.

Heres how to figure out and focus on fulfilling your spouses primary needs:
1. Ask your spouse: What is the one thing you cannot do without in this marriage?
Give them options to think about like love, respect, emotional or physical satisfaction,
financial security, a peaceful or Islamic environment at home, etc.
2. Ask them for examples of how they want these needs fulfilled: How have you always
expected me to do this for you? Give them examples to help them figure out their
preferences: ask them if they expect you to get small surprise gifts regularly, verbally
compliment them more, take the initiative to pray or read and reflect on the Quran
together, plan date nights, consult them before making a significant decision, talk to
them in a certain way, dress up and prepare special surprise meals at home with the
kids asleep, not say certain things in arguments, etc.
3. Write down their needs and preferences.
4. Make dua and sincere effort to fulfill your spouses primary needs: ask Allah
to
help you make your spouse happy, and then actively think of and create easy ways to
do what is important to your spouse.
5. They are the comfort of each others

eyes
Happy Muslim couples strive to be the comfort of each others eyes. They seek to be the
answer to the dua that Allah
has taught us to make:
And those who say,Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and
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offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the

righteous. [Quran: Chapter 25, Verse 74]
What does it take to become a beautiful sight to look at?

Smile at your spouse
When was the last time you beamed at your spouse or saw your spouse smiling lovingly at
you? Okay, I shouldnt have asked that question because youd probably need to time travel
back into the ancient past. Smile when you open the door to your tired husband, smile when
you get to see your wife after a long day at work, smile at the mother/father of your child for
giving you such a beautiful gift; let your smile be the last thing your spouse sees before they
close their eyes to sleep. Smile because theres no reason not to.
Look good for your spouse
The noble companion Ibn Abbas
is reported to have said:
I like to take care of my appearance for my wife just as I like for her to
take care of her appearance for me. This is because Allah
says:
And they (women) have rights similar (to those of their husbands) over
them to what is reasonable. [Tafsir Ibn Kathir]
You are the only man/woman your spouse is allowed to look at from head to toe, so please
dont be an eye sore!Yes, make this your mantra. Tell yourself this every time you look in the
mirror at your unkempt hair, permanent pyjamas or neglected body. Looking good for your
spouse is as important (and as easy) as everything else you do everyday like eating or
sleeping.
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It takes a maximum of 20minutes to: shower, put on some attractive clothes and perfume,
comb your hair and apply a dash of make-up (men: you dont have to do the last bit so you
have even less of an excuse!). Make these 20 minutes a fixed part of your routine, ideally just
before your spouse gets home or before you sit down to relax at home after work.
Looking good for each other has even more to do with maintaining your health and fitness.
You need to do this for your own self before anyone else. Slot in an hour at least everyday to
work on your physical and mental fitness: work out wherever and whenever it is convenient
for you, but make sure you do and your spouse makes time for their fitness too. Theres
nothing more attractive to a spouse than having that healthy glow and fit physique!
Be their source of comfort and support
Who do you think of turning to when youre depressed, afraid or going through a tough time?
If your spouse was the first person that came to your mind, you have a wonderful marriage
Alhamdulillah. Because thats what Muslim spouses do: they are each others refuge, just like
the Prophet
and his wives were to each other.
When the Prophet
received the revelation for the first time, he began trembling with fear
and ran to his wife Khadijah
seeking comfort and reassurance saying:
O Khadijah! What is wrong with me? I was afraid that something bad
might happen to me. Then he told her the story. Khadijah
said,
Nay! But receive the good tidings! By Allah, Allah will never disgrace
you, for by Allah, you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak
the truth, help the poor and the destitute, entertain your guests
generously and assist those who are stricken with calamities.
[Bukhari]
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6. They make each other bloom

Did you know your spouse was a separate person with a unique mind, heart, body and soul
before they married you? And did you know that they still are that individual person, only with
you by their side?
Marriages begin to go headlong into constant unhappiness when one or both spouses forget
this fundamental fact: marriage makes people partners, not parts of each other that must be
controlled and bossed over. As unfortunate as the truth may be, your spouse has a lot more
roles to play in life than just being your spouse; and whenever you restrict them from doing
justice to all their roles, youre going to be the cause of their constant frustration, which will
only spill into your own marital relationship.
Allah
has created each of us to contribute in so many ways during our life on this earth
and has blessed us with the potential to be all that He wants us to be. Be that amazing
person who motivates, encourages and helps your spouse discover and use their Godgiven potential and traits to bloom and be a source of joy and mercy to the world. Dont
stop your spouse from being kind and loving to their parents, dont stop them from being
helpful towards their colleagues and relatives, dont make them cut ties that you know they
should keep, dont compel them to bottle up their talents when you know their skills can be
used in a halal way to bring about a lot of good, dont control their every relationship and
acquaintance with other people like an air-traffic controller, dont bark orders and rules and
taunts at them at every opportunity: dont make your spouse wither into a dull, lifeless, thorny,
poisonous weed; because that is not what Allah
created them to be thats what control
freaks make out of the people they live with.

Happy Muslim couples are partners in growth and productivity:They acknowledge that
their spouse is a slave of Allah
alone and marriage does not change that. They
acknowledge their spouses other roles and responsibilities and encourage them to do justice
to all of them. They recognize each others unique traits and talents and catalyze their
spouses growth and worth as an individual.
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7. They make time for each other no

matter what!
Sorry, theres just no excuse not to give at least half an hour (okay, 15 minutes when youre
just too exhausted) of undivided attention and love to your spouse. Because the truth is,
youre not married just to slog all day to get money home, or to produce kids and take care of
them 24/7. Before you know it, your bosses and jobs will change and youll be retiring and
replaced, and the kids wouldve married and moved out. And the only person you will be left
with is that spouse (read: stranger) you always put second to everything, who wouldve
become too used to being neglected over the past 30 years to be that warm companion youll
desperately be needing in your old age.
Your relationship needs exclusive attention every single day. Just like youre saving
everyday to build that comfortable house for the future. Whats the fun if youre going to end
up alone in that house, sleeping next to someone you dont even recognize anymore?
Instead, imagine this: youre (finally!) going to be alone in that house with the person whos
listened to your worries and stories every night, who youve taken walks with everyday, whos
been there to lean on when youve been weak, who youve celebrated all your achievements
and successes with: someone whos been a friend indeed, every single day. Now is it really
that hard to give half an hour of your time everyday to the person who deserves it most?
8. They fight the real enemies: ego, evil

eye and shaytan
Ego
Heres what the growth curve of a Muslim couple thats learnt to manage marital conflict looks
like:
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1st year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse

2nd year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse, shaytan, evil eye and magic
(seriously)
3rd year of marriage: blame spouse for causing conflict and take nominal blame for
reacting absurdly
4th year of marriage: make sure spouse takes at least half the blame for conflicts
5th year of marriage: agree that your spouse has been right all along and theres
something you need to change about yourself
If you ask every happily married couple thats successfully made it past the first five years,
theyll tell you theres no bigger enemy to marital happiness than: ego.
Ego is the defense mechanism of the lower self, and ego in marriage sounds like:
This is who I am and you better get used to it

I wouldnt have said/done that if you didnt say/do what you did
Its all because of you
Does it look like I care anyway?
And ego sounds very, very familiar.

This is because the lower self is a covert enemy lurking within each and every one of us.
Allah
records Yusufs
observation of the lower human self in the Quran:
Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord

bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is OftForgiving, Most Merciful.[Quran: Chapter 12, Verse 53]
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This doesnt mean we are all inherently bad, but that we all have lower selves that are inclined
to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allahs
mercy that can make us rise
above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.

Why ego is the biggest threat to a marriage is because it is an enemy from within. Ego is like a
deceptive double agent that distorts reality and makes us deny and justify the wrongs that our
lower selves commit towards our spouses, convincing us that we are right; while we are
oppressing our own selves and our spouses and actually walking a path of humiliating selfdestruction.
The Prophet
said:
A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he

should correct it. [Al Adab Al Mufrad]
Theres no one who mirrors our souls to us more accurately than our spouse, because no
other human being gets to see us as intimately and habitually as they do. As a natural
consequence, spouses stand the highest chance of facing our ego: the defensive wrath of our
lower selves. But allowing your lower self to prevail in your marriage instead of seeing your
marriage as a means to purify yourself is your own (disastrous) choice. Allah
says in
Surat Ash-Shams:
And [by] the soul (self) and He who proportioned it. And inspired it
[with discernment of] its wickedness and its righteousness. He has
succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it [with
corruption]. [Quran: Chapter 91, Verse 7-10]
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Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah
when they mirror our flaws to us so we
can rise above our lower selves. They make us discern our innermost weaknesses that we
could not have seen for ourselves, and Allah
has blessed us with them for our own
spiritual purification and salvation.
The next time your spouse is desperately trying to get something about yourself across to
you:
1. Just listen. Listen carefully and objectively, especially if they have been repeating it for a
very long time.
2. Control the urge to defend yourself: look for the truth in your spouses words first.
3. Ask yourself: Has anyone pointed this out about me before? The answer could very
likely be a yes, and if it is, then youre definitely looking at a flaw that Allah
wants you to
work on and get rid of.

4. Realize how merciful Allah
is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah
and
your spouse sincerely for caring so much about your success in the hereafterand making you
a better person.
Try this 4-step exercise the next time you face conflict in your marriage. I promise youll see
marital conflict in a whole new light: your spouse will no longer be the enemy and youll
realize just what a big blessing they are for you!
Evil Eye
The Prophet
said:
The evil eye is real. [Ibn Majah]
I am always in awe of the power of this extremely concise hadith, because it delivers three
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vital messages about the evil eye in one 5-word sentence:

the harm of the evil eye is very, very real (in case you were even thinking otherwise)
do not put yourself in its way; and
take measures to protect yourself from it
If you agree with point one, the second and third points just follow naturally. Muslim couples
today are actually serving their marriages on exquisitely decorated social media platters for
the evil eye to devour: not just the ceremony, but every single verbal and non-verbal marital
exchange, meal, meeting, moment, mood and micro-second!
You cannot be friends with 500+ people on social media, half of whom may be trying hard to
get married for a long time and keep shoving your marital happiness in their face. Not only is
it unnecessary, it is highly insensitive.
Happy Muslim couples do share their marital happiness, but sensibly. Before sharing anything
about your marital life with the public, ask yourself:
Is it necessary to share it with all the people Im about to disclose it to?

Will it make any of them long to be in my position?
Is it better off being private?
Not putting your marriage in the way of the evil eye is the first way of protecting it from its
harm. Reading the morning and evening adhkar, the duas prescribed for protection against
the evil eye as well as constantly thanking Allah
for your marriage and your spouse
fortifies this protection immensely.
Shaytan
Remember all that incomprehensible pre-wedding drama between your spouses family and
yours, or those regular ridiculous flare-ups that you realize made absolutely no sense after
you and your spouse cooled down (e.g.: when why did you turn off the light when you know I
was reading? ends in marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life! W.H.A.T?!): yes, all
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those absurd, bizarre arguments that sprang out of nothing and all the other senseless
discord in your marriage are the best compliments of shaytan.
The Prophet
said:
Iblis (shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then sends

detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are
those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them
comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing.
Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so
until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The
Satan goes near him and says: You have done well and then
embraces him. [Muslim]
Shaytan doesnt have any principles when he seeks to create marital discord: in fact, the
rule is that he attacks from where you least expect it. Like through your normally loving,
religious and sensible parent/sibling/well-wisher who begins to magnify some irrelevant flaw
in your spouse that was somehow never an issue before you tied the knot. Shaytan
perpetuates his whispers through their tongues, and you unwittingly believe them because
they are your loved ones. And thus begins insane marital strife.
Heres how to protect your marriage from the shaytan:

Read the muawwadhatayn (Surat Al-Falaq and Surat An-Nas) and morning and evening
adhkar daily.
If your spouse is behaving in a way or saying things they normally dont, politely say:
honey, lets not let the shaytan get to us. This is a tried and tested way to defuse a
senseless argument before it starts.
If you find yourself starting to get angry, seek refuge in Allah
from the shaytan
immediately.
If you hear anything negative about your spouse from anyone, examine the words for
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signs of shaytans whispers and traps. If theres anything that may cause you to have
even the slightest ill-feeling or resentment towards your spouse, consciously recall all
the good in your spouse and compare it to whats being said about them: youll see the
false/irrelevant claims quickly dissipating.
9.They sense each others stress

You know those times when your spouse is just not being their normal self or getting ticked
off by every little thing? Or when you do something special and they didnt even seem to
notice? If you look a little deeper, youll find theres definitely something thats bothering them
(and it is not you). No matter how annoyingly they may be behaving, try to find out whats
wrong; try to sense their stress. Theyll most likely be having a problem at work, be down with
an illness or close to that time of the month, or the kids wouldve done a fantastic job at
driving them mad all day. Shaytan waits to use these moments of stress to spark an argument,
because the spouse under stress doesnt have the energy to fight him when their mind is
exhausted by other troubles. He waits for the calmer spouse to eventually get annoyed, pick
up the bait and say whats gotten into you? and BAM! If you focus on putting your finger on
whats bothering your spouse and offering them supportinstead of getting worked up
yourself, you immediately kill one more chance for shaytan to get to your marriage.Happy
Muslim couples empathize with one another. Once youve figured out whats bothering your
spouse, give them the space, comfort or help they need to de-stress. Ask them if theyd like to
take a nap, be alone for sometime, takea break from the kids, get somehelp with their work
or spend some time with their friends or family, if itll make them feel better. Agree with your
spouse to do this whenever either of you is acting out till you learn to sense each
othersstress just through yourexpressions, and your mutualintuition develops into a
beautiful, unspoken language of care and understanding.
10. They are conscious of Allah

conflict
in
There isnt a single marriage where there isnt any conflict or disagreement of some sort or
degree. It is only the way in which conflicts are managed that distinguishes the health of one
marriage from the other.
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Of all the ways to manage and minimize marital conflict, themostpowerful way
isremembering that Allah
is watching our every single move and expression, and hearing
our every single word. And it is all being recorded for a Day when He
will be the Judge.
Bringing this to mind during conflict helps us refrain from giving in to our lower selves and the
whispers of Shaytan in the heat of the moment, and saves the marriage from a lot of
irreversible, long-term damage.
The Prophet
said:
I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if

he is in the right [Abu Dawud]
And when he
was asked by Muadh bin Jabal
O Prophet of Allah, will we be brought to account for what we say?

He said: May your mother not find you, O Muadh! Are people thrown
onto their faces in Hell for anything other than the harvest of their
tongues?' [Ibn Majah]
The truth is, hell begins on earth when the tongue isnt controlled during marital conflict. The
humiliation and hurt inflicted by the tongue sows deep resentment and spite. Thats why Allah
says in the Quran:
And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces
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11/10/2015
[dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear

enemy.[Quran: Chapter 17, Verse 53]
If you disagree with your spouse over anything or are hurt by something they did or said,
bring Allahs presence to mind first to help lower your anger and approach the issue calmly.
Then put your concerns across as gently as possible because gentleness is far more likely to
make your spouse see your point than lashing out at them. The Prophet
said to Aisha
Aisha! show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it

beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it. [Abu
Dawud]
Marriage in a nutshell
I remember giving a talk on love and relationships to an audience of young girls when Id
been married for just about two years. Inmy talk, Id mentioned the verse of the Quran where
Allah
says:
Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women
impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity
are for women of purity [Quran: Chapter 24, Verse 26]
In the Q&A session, a girl from the audience asked: but what about all those couples we see
where one spouse is so good and the other is the complete opposite?
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11/10/2015
Id answered: The verse is the general rule, but Allah
may choose to test some of us
through our spouses.

Just then, someone inthe front row of the audienceput up her hand and requested to speak.
She was one of the other guest speakers, a renowned author and a woman full of wisdom,
and someone who was married for many more years than me. She said:
What a person looks like to us is not necessarily what they are behind
closed doors. So before judging whether a person is right or wrong for
someone, remember that Allah
chooses spousesfor us not to test
us but to help us purify and improve our own selves.
Three years from that talk and I still havent come across a greater truth about marriage.
Indeed, as Allah
said, in this beautiful relationship are signs for those who give thought.
Marital happiness is not an end but a state; a state that can easily beachieved by just seeing
marriage for what it really is: a means of attaining physical, emotional and spiritual tranquility
through the loving and merciful companionship of a spouse.
Wed love to know what keeps your marriage healthy and loving. Share your thoughts on
maintaining marital happiness in a comment below!
About Zaynab Chinoy
Zaynab Chinoy serves as Chief Editor and Head of the

Research and Content Department at ProductiveMuslim. She
read law at the International Islamic University in Malaysia, and
publishes her reflections on life on her personal blog: ZaynabChinoy.com.
22/73
11/10/2015
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Ahamed Rifadh
April 8, 2015 at 5:43 am
Masha Allah and Alhamdulillah. Very nicely written and very informative too.
May Allah Subahanwathala bless you always.
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is asking us to give thought to.

1. They love each other for Allahs sake

and help you get closer to Him.

Nothing is placed on the Scale that is heavier than good character.

consistently help each other get closer to Allah

. They stop each other from anything that

and constantly help each other win Allahs love.

together in the quiet hours of Fajr, they thank Allah

2. They are grateful for each other

says in the Quran:

Our spouses are an immense favor and blessing of Allah

upon us: they are an

gifts to us: a spouse. It is a denial of a favor Allah

has blessed us with that many are

also says in the Quran:

3. They communicate like best friends

and his wives did.

said to her: I know when you are pleased with

me or angry with me. I said, Whence do you know that? He said,

put it so beautifully even in anger; happy, loving Muslim

4. They never lose focus of each others

has created both genders with a sense of

needs for them.

5. They are the comfort of each others

has taught us to make:

offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the

What does it take to become a beautiful sight to look at?

is reported to have said:

and his wives were to each other.

When the Prophet

and ran to his wife Khadijah

seeking comfort and reassurance saying:

6. They make each other bloom

created them to be thats what control

freaks make out of the people they live with.

alone and marriage does not change that. They

7. They make time for each other no

8. They fight the real enemies: ego, evil

1st year of marriage: blame all conflicts on spouse

This is who I am and you better get used to it

And ego sounds very, very familiar.

observation of the lower human self in the Quran:

Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord

to be oppressive, unruly and unjust; and it is only Allahs

mercy that can make us rise

above our destructive, narcissistic lower selves.

A believer is the mirror of his brother. When he sees a fault in it, he

Our spouses actually personify the mercy of Allah

when they mirror our flaws to us so we

has blessed us with them for our own

spiritual purification and salvation.

work on and get rid of.

is being to you through your spouse. Thank Allah

The evil eye is real. [Ibn Majah]

vital messages about the evil eye in one 5-word sentence:

Is it necessary to share it with all the people Im about to disclose it to?

for your marriage and your spouse

fortifies this protection immensely.