RELATHERAPY

Relational Therapy

Home Guide for Therapists Disorders The Case of Jim Groups

THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO RELATIONAL

THERAPY
A few things that may help you better your relationships

Some people will tell you that irrational (or emotional) behavior is bad, and
that you must always be rational. But people are not robots, and the irrational
is a necessary part of us. The problem is not irrational behavior, but mixing up
rational with irrational, as in acting the way you feel instead of expressing your
feelings through your body language (even if it is as "irrational" as a tantrum),
or expressing your thoughts indirectly through your behavior, as if they were
feelings (e. g. fabricated smiles or controlled gestures, avoidant or passive-
aggressive behavior), instead of acting boldly according to what you think.
This kind of "mixing up" can create conflicts and problems both within
ourselves and in our relationships.
Let's start with the beginning: there are four main things that people do: they
think, act, feel, and express through their body language (as in emotional
expressions).
Well-adjusted people act what they think, and express what they feel. Also, in
a relationship, they think about others' acts, and feel about what others
express.
Unadjusted people act what they feel, instead of what they think, or express
what they think, instead of what they feel. In a relationship, they think about
what others express, or feel about others' acts.
So, to become well-adjusted instead of unadjusted, we don't have to change
the way we think, act, feel, or express, but change the relations among these
within ourselves, in our relationships, or both.
We will show you a few examples that might match or approximate your
experiences, so you can learn to apply them to similar situations you
encounter in your life. Make sure your partner does the same.

Act what you think, do not content to express it: speak your mind, don't
let me guess it
Instead of the unadjusted:
"I decided that's better for me to leave my boyfriend, and I tried to show him
that"
Try the well-adjusted:
"I decided that's better for me to leave my boyfriend, and I told him that"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
I found out that I don't love my boyfriend anymore, and I tried to show him that"

Instead of the unadjusted:

"Today I decided that it's better for me to break up with my girlfriend, and I'll
behave so that she will leave me"
Try the well-adjusted:
"Today I decided that it's better for me to break up with my girlfriend, and I will
tell her that"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"I found out that I don't love my girlfriend anymore, and I'll behave so that she
will leave me"
So, if you know that the other expresses what he/she thinks, instead of acting
it out, and if he/she is acting like trying to show you that he/she is not loving
you anymore, or like trying to make you leave him/her, understand that he/she
decided that's better for him/her to break up with you, but he/she is not
necessarily not loving you anymore. What to do further is up to you.

Express what you feel, do not act it out: "love is a feeling, I don't wanna
hear it" or "don't say you love me, let me feel it"
Instead of the unadjusted:
"I love my girlfriend and I always buy her what she wants"
Try the well-adjusted:
"I love my girlfriend and I'm always gentle with her"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"I want her to be comfortable and I always buy her what she wants"

Instead of the unadjusted:

"We love each other; that's why we are moving in together"
Try the well-adjusted:
"We love each other; that's why we can't spend much time being apart"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"We are getting along very well and think we can share a household; that's
why we are moving in together"

So, if you know that the other acts out what he/she feels, instead of
expressing it, and if he/she wants to move in with you, understand that he/she
has feelings for you, but has not necessarily thought of all the things involved
in living together.

Think about others' acts, don't feel about them: get what I have in mind,
do not mind
Instead of the unadjusted:
"My girlfriend wants to make up with me, and I'm thrilled about it, 'cause this
means that she loves me"
Try the well-adjusted:
"My girlfriend wants to make up with me, and I agree, because that's better for
both of us"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"I feel that my girlfriend loves me, and I'm thrilled about it"

Instead of the unadjusted:

“My partner wants to buy me a house, and therefore I assume he/she loves
me”
Try the well-adjusted:
"My partner wants to buy me a house, and therefore I assume he/she wants to
make me understand he/she is serious about us"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
“My partner always treats me kind, and therefore I assume he/she loves me”

So, if you know that the other feels about your acts, instead of thinking about
them, don't tell her you want to make up with her unless you really love her.
Otherwise, she will not understand that it is a mere rational decision, and will
build upon a love that isn't there.
Feel what others express, do not think about it: I need you to feel what I
feel, I don't want to fill you in
Instead of the unadjusted:
"She thinks that I'm smart, I can see it in her eyes"
Try the well-adjusted:
"She likes me, I can feel it in her eyes"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"She thinks that I'm smart, she asked my help in solving a difficult problem”

Instead of the unadjusted:

"He is giving me a bitter look, and I'm wondering what is wrong?"
Try the well-adjusted:
"He is giving me a bitter look, and I feel that he is sad or angry"
The first response would generally be appropriate in:
"He's not acting like he used to, and I'm wondering what is wrong?”

So, if you know that the other thinks about what you express, instead of
feeling about it, try not to show him/her your emotions, unless you thus want
to make a point about your thoughts. For example, if you want to raise his
self-esteem, you can flirt with him, but don't expect that this will make him
understand that you like him as a man.
 

Give up fabricated smiles and controlled gestures. Express your fears or

sadness, don't try to act against them. Act against dangerous or bad
situations instead, and irrational fear or depression will go away
Physical symptoms like shaking, crying, nausea, pain etc. (what is often called
"sickness") can be no more than pathological emotional expressions. Unlike
normal emotional expressions, symptoms appear not as a reaction to a
perceived emotional state, but to a situation. People with such symptoms do
not realize that these symptoms are in fact the result of their state of fear or
depression, and rather think that they are provoked by events they perceive in
the outside world, like dangers or bad situations. For example, when someone
says "I cry for little or no reason", or "there is nothing to cry about", a rational
cause is assumed that makes people cry, instead of their own emotions.
People with symptoms also display avoidant or passive-aggressive
behavior; they do not openly express their feelings, nor do they openly speak
up their thoughts, nor act what they think. They act out their fears by
deliberately avoiding or sabotaging unpleasant people or situations, and
express their thoughts about someone or something through obstructionist,
involuntary resistance/stubbornness (avoidant behavior and passive
resistance). Fabricated smiles and controlled gestures are falling in the same
category of expressing what you think (you should express), instead of what
you feel.
Also, whereas people without symptoms act against bad or dangerous
situations, and not against their sadness or fears, people with symptoms try
to act against their feelings, and naturally, they fail in doing that, because
feelings are not subject to the control of reason.
 

So, if you are like:

I'm depressed (afraid), and I try to do something about it.
The situation is bad, and I'm sick.
  

Try:
I'm depressed (afraid), and I'm sick.
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
 

And you will soon be in the position that:

The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not so depressed (afraid), and I'm not sick.
 

GUIDE FOR THERAPISTS

Introduction
According to the hypostatic view of personality, there are four main things
that people do: they think, act (including through words, or verbal
communication), feel, and express through their body language (nonverbal
communication).
Changing the relationships between these four dimensions of doing - both
within the person and in her relationships - is the scope of relational therapy
(or relatherapy, as we like to call it), just a part of a broader approach to
psychotherapy.
Well-adjusted people act what they think, and express what they feel. These
are called direct intrapersonal relations. Also, in a relationship, they think
about others' acts, and feel about what others express. These are called
direct interpersonal relations.
Unadjusted people act what they feel, instead of what they think, or express
what they think, instead of what they feel. These are called crossed
intrapersonal relations. In a relationship, they think about what others
express, or feel about others' acts. These are called crossed interpersonal
relations.

Therapy goals
Improving client's communication and relationships, through:
1. Replacing crossed intrapersonal relations with direct intrapersonal relations.
2. Replacing crossed interpersonal relations with direct interpersonal relations.

Indications
All kinds of relational problems or discontents, relating to dating, family and
work relationships, and/or casual social encounters, anxiety, depression, and
other mental problems. In the case of problems in stable relationships, both
partners should be assessed and participate to sessions, if needed.

Initial assessment
First, as always, you have to establish what is the main problem that led the
client to your office.
Second, you have to identify crossed relations within the person, and
between her and others. In the preliminary interview, you may want to ask the
client questions like:
 

Tell me if it ever happens to you to act what you feel? For example, to buy
something to the one you love, instead of telling her you love her, or just
letting that show in your gestures and facial expressions?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to express what you think through your body
language, instead of using words? For example, to try to show somebody
through your body language that you do not agree with her, instead of just
saying it to her?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to feel about what others act, instead of
thinking about it? For example, to feel happy about a gift you receive from a
loved one on your birthday, as if it meant that he is loving you too, instead of
maybe just being polite?
Tell me if it ever happens to you to think about what others express, instead
of feeling about it? For example, thinking that if someone frowns, something
is wrong with her or with you, instead of just feeling that she is sad or
angry?

Crossed relations questionnaire

Check in the answer you see fit:
1. I decided that's better for me to leave my boyfriend, and
a. I tried to show him that
b. I told him that

2. Today I decided that it's better for me to break up with my girlfriend, and
a. I'll behave so that she will leave me
b. I will tell her that

3. I love my girlfriend, and

a. I always buy her what she wants
b. I'm always gentle with her

4. We love each other;

a. that's why we are moving in together
b. that's why we can't spend much time being apart

5. My girlfriend wants to make up with me, and

a. I'm thrilled about it, 'cause this means that she loves me
b. I agree, because that's better for both of us

6. My partner wants to buy me a house, and therefore

a. I assume he/she loves me
b. I assume he/she wants to make me understand he/she is serious about us

7. I can feel in her eyes that

a. She thinks that I'm smart
b. She likes me

8. He is giving me a bitter look, and

a. I'm wondering what is wrong?
b. I feel that he is angry
 

Answers (a) to questions 1 to 4 indicate that the person is likely to have

crossed intrapersonal relations, whereas answers (a) to questions 5 to 8
indicate that she is likely to have crossed interpersonal relations.
 

Therapy sessions and techniques

The recommended length of a session is one hour, two or three times a week,
for a period of three to six weeks.
In the first two sessions the therapist gathers information about the client
through interviews and questionnaires, like described above.
In the next two sessions the therapist teaches the client how to replace
crossed intrapersonal relations with direct intrapersonal relations, and crossed
interpersonal relations with direct interpersonal relations.
This is made through explaining, exemplifying, questioning, and trying to
change specific relations of the client.
In the next eight to ten sessions the client, helped by the therapist, tries to
change problematic relations in her life.

A session in this part of the therapy has the following steps:

1. The client presents her crossed relations, as they occurred since the last
session;
2. The therapist asks the client how she thinks the correct relation should
sound like, and tells her that, if she could not say;
3. The therapist, along with the client, tries to identify crossed intrapersonal
relations in people with whom the client interacts;
4. The therapist asks the client about what she thinks she could do to
counteract those crossed relations, in order to have good communication
relationships with those people, and makes suggestions to her, if she has
no ideas.
 

A short fragment of a session:

 

Client: The other day my boss frowned at me, and I wondered what was wrong. I
mean … did I do something wrong or what? I just accomplished all the tasks I
was assigned in the morning. Then I thought maybe he is not feeling well, he
is exhausted and is just upset.
Therapist: But he was just frowning, right? Why is it that this always has to
mean something? But what have you felt that moment? What feelings did
that frowning stir up in you?
C: I think I felt that he was angry . . . . I'm not sure I felt something. But I don't
understand why . . .
T: Maybe there is nothing to understand. Have you ever thought that way? Feelings of
others are meant to be felt, not thought about, right? Can't you just feel his anger
and move on, concentrating your thoughts - and I underline, your thoughts, not your
feelings - on what he is doing and saying? What effect do you think will that have on
you?
C: Maybe you're right. I don't know, I think that would make me less worrisome [he
smiles].
T: Now, the fact that you said you're not sure you felt something makes me think of
something else. How well do you know your boss?
C: Not so well. I started working there just a couple of months ago.
T: Maybe it's a good idea to find out if your boss is the one that is worrisome [the
client laughs].
Maybe by frowning he wants to make you understand that he indeed thinks your work is
not good enough, and frowning in this case expresses no feeling whatsoever. Has this
happened before? I mean, the frowning?
C: Maybe a couple of times, yes.
T: I think you have to try to know him better, to do a little research. See if this
is not something that he does with other employees also. If that's the case, you
have two options: to understand that when he frowns, it's about your work, or to say to
him that when he has something to say, he better say it, instead of frowning [the client
laughs].
Which one do you choose?
C: I don't know, I have to think about it [he smiles].
T: Then you'll have to go with the first [client and therapist laugh].
 

Here the therapist suspected that the client had a crossed interpersonal
relation with his boss, thinking about his emotional expressions instead of
feeling them, but then, when the patient declared that those expressions
were in fact not seeming to really express some feeling or emotion, he
investigated the possibility of a crossed intrapersonal relation on the part of
the boss, who seemed to express his thoughts through body language,
instead of acting them out or telling them.
 
The final assessment
A final assessment through interview and questionnaire is made, to see:
1. If there are residual crossed relations in the client's life;
2. If she is able to prevent new crossed relations to occur;
3. If she is able to counteract crossed relations in others with whom she
interacts, in order to maintain good communication relationships with
those people;
4. To what extent the initial problems for which she addressed the therapist
have been solved.
 

Treating a typical problem

Patient's complaint:
“I want to go to college, but I feel anxious and afraid.”
Defining intrapersonal relations (crossed):
 I want to go to college [thought], but I can't do it [emotional expression]

I feel anxious and afraid [feeling], and I try to do something about it [action].
These formulations are not necessarily thoughts of the client, but statements
that - patient and therapist agree - can accurately describe the client's state
at a given moment.
Here we see the individual focusing on his own thoughts and feelings, and not
linking directly the cause - anxiety, with the effect - being unable to go to
college (in fact, the client does not even mention the effect in his formulation
of the problem).  
Feelings of helplessness, and later, hopelessness are generated by the fact
that the individual tries to act according to his feelings, and on his feelings,
but as feelings cannot be changed by voluntary action, he becomes helpless
and thinks nothing can be changed. Also, thoughts not acted out, and not
acted upon, give rise to pathological expressions (symptoms), because only
feelings - and not thoughts - can be really expressed.
First step: creating direct relations between thoughts and actions, and
between feelings and expressions (it's what psychoanalysis calls “insight”,
cognitive therapy – “restructuring cognitive schemata”, and person-centered
therapy – “achieving congruence and genuineness”). Only this way can the
client's thoughts really get in touch with her feelings, and her
expressions really support her actions.
I feel anxious and afraid [feeling], and I can't do it [go to college] [emotional
expression].
I want to go to college [thought], and I try to do something about it [action].
Second step: the result of direct relations is that problem ceases to
exist
I want to go to college [thought], and I try to do something about it [action].
Therefore, I don't feel anxious and afraid [feeling gone], and I can do it
[emotional expression gone]. When I'm afraid about it, I express my fears.
  
Treating anxiety and depression
Treatment Model for Anxiety
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street (in the world), I have panic attacks
(symptoms) there.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel menaced, and I have panic attacks
There are hazards on the street, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
There are hazards on the street (in the world), and I try avoid the hazardous
situations.
Therefore, I don't feel menaced, and I don't have panic attacks (symptoms).
When I'm afraid, I express my fear (e. g. I'm shaking).
Treatment Model for Depression
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel depressed, and I try to do something about it.
As the situation is difficult, I cry all the time.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel depressed and I cry all the time.
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't feel depressed, and I don't cry all the time. When I'm sad, I
express my sadness (e. g. weep or cry).
 

DISORDERS
 

 Relational therapy of mental disorders involves changing both crossed intra-

and interpersonal relations within patient's relationships, and crossed
intrapersonal relations directly linked with the symptoms of the disorder. The
latter are changed through treatment models specific to every disorder. We
present here, in alphabetical order, treatment models used or proposed for  a 
series of mental disorders.

Alcohol and drug abuse and dependence

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel like drinking, and I try to do something about it.
I'm abusing (I'm dependent of) alcohol, and I'm compelled to drink.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel like drinking, and I'm compelled to drink.
I'm abusing (I'm dependent of) alcohol, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I'm abusing (I'm dependent of) alcohol, and I try to do something about it.
So I less often feel like drinking, and I'm less often compelled to drink.

Anorexia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I fear gaining weight, and I try to do something about it.
I see myself overweight, and I diet and vomit.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I fear gaining weight, and I diet and vomit.
I see myself overweight, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I see myself overweight, and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't fear gaining weight, and I don't diet or vomit. When I'm afraid
that something would make me fat, I abstain from eating it.

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm bored and I try to do something about it.
I can't focus one one thing, and I'm hyperactive.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm bored and I'm hyperactive.
I can't focus on one thing, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I can't focus on one thing, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not bored, and I'm not hyperactive.
So I can better focus.

Autism: proposed treatment model

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I have my own thoughts, and I try to express them through my behavior.
I have feelings, but I can't speak them out.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I have my own thoughts, but I can't speak them out.
I have feelings, and I try to express them through my behavior.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I have feelings, and I try to express them through my behavior.
I have my own thoughts, and I can speak them out.

Bulimia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm stressed out and I try to do something about it.
I eat to much and I vomit.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm stressed out and I vomit.
I eat to much, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I eat to much, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not so stressed out, and I don't vomit.

Conversion disorder
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm depressed (afraid), and I try to do something about it.
The situation is bad, and I'm sick.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm depressed (afraid), and I'm sick.
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is bad, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not so depressed (afraid), and I'm not sick.

Depression
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel depressed, and I try to do something about it.
As the situation is difficult, I cry all the time.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel depressed and I cry all the time.
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
The situation is difficult and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I don't feel depressed, and I don't cry all the time. When I'm sad, I
express my sadness (e. g. weep or cry).
 

Dissociative disorder (depersonalization): proposed treatment model

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm anxious about being alone, and I try to do something about it.
Sometimes, especially when I'm alone, I'm like a spectator to myself, and I
panic.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm anxious about being alone, and I panic.
Sometimes, especially when I'm alone, I'm like a spectator to myself, and I try to
do something about it (e. g. I concentrate on something outside of me).
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
Sometimes, especially when I'm alone, I'm like a spectator to myself, and I try to
do something about it (e. g. I concentrate on something outside of me).
So I'm not so anxious about being alone, and I don't panic.
So it doesn't occur much to be like a spectator to myself.
 

Erectile and orgasmic disorders

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid of not performing well sexually, and I try to do something about it.
I know that I don't perform well sexually, and I have sexual dysfunctions.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid of not performing well sexually, and I have sexual dysfunctions.
I know that I don't perform well sexually, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I know that I don't perform well sexually, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not afraid of not performing well sexually, and I don't have sexual
dysfunctions.

Impulse control disorders

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I have a lot of emotional tension, and I try to do something about it
I think a lot about gambling, and I gamble.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I have a lot of emotional tension, and I gamble to release it.
I think a lot about gambling, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I think a lot about gambling, and I try to do something about it.
So I don't have a lot of emotional tension, and I don't have to gamble.
 

Mania and hypomania: proposed treatment model

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel euphoric, and I engage in many activities.
I can do whatever I like, and don't need rest.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel euphoric, and I don't need rest.
I can do whatever I like, and I engage in many activities.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I can do whatever I like, and I engage in many activities.
Since I have to focus on them, I don't feel euphoric and I do need rest.
I avoid engaging in more activities, since I couldn't perform all of them properly.
 

Obsessive compulsive disorder

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid I'm gonna get sick, and I try to keep my hygiene.
Germs are dangerous, and I'm compelled to wash all the time.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid I'm gonna get sick, and I'm compelled to wash all the time.
Germs are dangerous, and I try to keep my hygiene.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
Germs are dangerous, and I try to keep my hygiene.
So I'm not afraid I'm gonna get sick, and I'm not compelled to wash all the time.
 

Panic attacks
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street (in the world), I have panic attacks
(symptoms) there.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I feel menaced, and I have panic attacks
There are hazards on the street, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
There are hazards on the street (in the world), and I try avoid the hazardous
situations.
Therefore, I don't feel menaced, and I don't have panic attacks (symptoms).
When I'm afraid, I express my fear (e. g. I'm shaking).

Paraphilias and sexual abuse: proposed treatment model

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm sexually attracted by ….., and I try to do something about it.
My sexual behavior is not socially accepted, and I'm compelled to do it.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm sexually attracted by ….. And I'm compelled to do it.
My sexual behavior is not socially accepted, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
My sexual behavior is not socially accepted, and I try to do something about it.
I'm less sexually attracted by ….. And I'm not compelled to do it.

Schizophrenia
Discordance can be described in intrapersonal terms.
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I don't feel any emotion, and I try to do something about it.
I see and hear things, but I'm inexpressive.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I don't feel any emotion, and I'm inexpressive.
I see and hear things, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I see and hear things, and I try to do something about it.
Therefore, I feel some emotion, and I'm not inexpressive. When I don't feel any
emotion, I'm not expressive.

Sexually abused: proposed treatment model

Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm traumatized by a sexual abuse, and I try to get over this trauma.
I was sexually abused, and this affects my functioning.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm traumatized by a sexual abuse, and this affects my functioning.
I was sexually abused, and I try to get over it this event in my past.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I was sexually abused, and I try to get over it this event in my past.
So I'm less traumatized by the sexual abuse, and this does not affect my
functioning.

Social phobia
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid of social situations, and I try to do something about it.
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I panic when I meet other
people.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid of social situations, and I panic when I meet other people.
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I know that I don't do well in social situations, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not afraid of social situations, and I don't panic when I meet other
people.

Stuttering
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathologic)
I'm afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I try to do something about it.
I know that I stutter in public, and I do it.
During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering)
I'm afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I do it.
I know that I stutter in public, and I try to do something about it.
After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy)
I know that I stutter in public, and I try to do something about it.
So I'm not afraid I'm gonna stutter, and I do it less frequently.
 

THE CASE OF JIM

Jim is a 42-year-old accountant. He is married, and has no children. He came
to therapy because of his panic attacks and relational problems with his wife
and his boss.
 

Relations with his wife

Before therapy. His wife Kate is loving him, and she often tells him that and
makes him various gifts with the purpose of making him understand that. But on
the nonverbal side she acts cold, and does not express her feelings through
her body language. Therefore, Jim does not feel her love, but knowing her well,
he interprets her generous gestures and words as signs of her love, and this
makes him happy, because he also loves her very much. Thus, he
compensates a crossed intrapersonal relation of his wife with a crossed
interpersonal relation of his own. But he acts the same as Kate, and transmits
his love through words and presents, and not through “kind eyes” and “warm
hands”. Kate reacts the same as him and the circle of the relationship closes,
but they both feel something is missing in they relationship, that kind of warmth
and tenderness that defines happy couples (see figure 1).
After therapy. Jim learned to express his feelings toward Kate, being worm
and tender to her. Kate did not manage to do the same to her husband, and
continues to manifest her love through rational actions, and not through
personal warmth (see figure 2).

Relations with his boss

Before therapy. His boss Bob often thinks that Jim is not doing his job well
enough, but he avoids telling him that. Instead, he is trying to make him aware
of that through his body language (e. g. not looking in his eyes, frowning,
turning his head away etc.). Jim interprets these body language “signs” as
conveying meaning, instead of emotion, as he does not feel any emotional
charge in them. Thus, a crossed intrapersonal relation of the boss is
compensated by Jim through a crossed in interpersonal relation. But Jim, at his
turn, does not provide rational feedback to the boss regarding his perceptions,
responding instead by avoiding him whenever he can. To this, the boss reacts
rationally, by thinking that Jim holds a negative attitude towards him, and
towards his work in general. Accordingly, he informs him that if he continues to
avoid him and to neglect his work, he will be fired (see figure 1).
After therapy. Jim learned to act according to body language signs he
received from his boss, and adjust his actions so as to not receive any more
negative signals, as well as ask him for verbal clarifications when he received
such signals. His boss however did not manage, until the last session of
therapy, to be more outspoken, and spontaneously and plainly communicate
through verbal language his cognitive assessments of Jim's work (see figure 2).

Relations with his friend

Before therapy. His friend Paul thinks they are getting along very well and
should spend more time together, and Jim agrees, but he is very busy and
does not dare to tell him, trying instead to make him understand that through
his body language. Paul feels that as coldness on his part, but he nevertheless
tries to convince him to work a little less and have a little more time for his
friends and family (see figure 1).
After therapy. Paul learned to interpret Jim's body language as a sign of
busyness, and realized that Jim was not feeling comfortable to tell him that he
hasn't much time to spend with him. As a result, Paul no more feels coldness
and aloofness on Jim's part, and is more rational in asking for his company
(see figure 2).

Relations with his coworker

Before therapy. Mary is new in the business, and wants to learn more from
Jim, but instead of telling him that or acting in that direction, she tries to make
him understand that through her behavior. So, she tries to keep him after work,
she often asks for help, and tries to spend as much time working with him as
she can. Jim feels that her behavior expresses that she has come to have
feelings for him, and tells her that. This makes her deny it, apologize and try to
keep distance from him, and thus prevents her from benefiting from his work
experience, because she is not communicating plainly her need for tutoring
(see figure 1).
After therapy. Now Paul realizes that Mary asks for his company not because
she may have feelings for him, but because she wants to learn from him, as
she is more outspoken about her intentions. Paul is now willing to help her
develop professionally, and spends more time tutoring her (see figure 2).
 

Figure 1. Jim's relations before therapy.

  

Figure 2. Jim's relations after therapy.

 

Panic attacks
Before therapy: Crossed intrapersonal relations (pathological).
I feel menaced, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.
As there are hazards on the street, I have panic attacks there.

During therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (recovering).

I feel menaced, and I have panic attacks.
There are hazards on the street, and I try to avoid the hazardous situations.

After therapy: Direct intrapersonal relations (healthy).

There are hazards on the street, and I try avoid the hazardous situations.
Therefore, I don't feel menaced, and I don't have panic attacks. When I'm
afraid, I express my fear (I have a fearful expression on my face, or I'm
shaking).
 

GROUPS
The relational method can be used in groups, particularly in organizations, to
change crossed relations and thus increase job performance and satisfaction.
The steps to be followed are:
1. Initial individual assessment (through the group relational questionnaire
and interviews) and drawing the relational matrix of the group;
2. Individual and dyadic intervention by the relational counselor, aimed to
change crossed relations;
3. Final individual assessment and relational matrix.

Group relational questionnaire

For each person in your group, except you, if you remember that something
mentioned here happened to you in relation with that person, check in the cell
corresponding to the phrase and the person.
 

J.D. P.B. O.D. M.K. P.W.

When she did something for me, I felt that she

liked me.          
[act-feel crossed interpersonal relation]
 When she did something that hurt me in some          
way, I felt she didn't like me.
[act-feel crossed interpersonal relation]

I thought of what her body language might have          

meant.
[express-think crossed interpersonal relation]

I tried to help her, in order to make her

understand that I liked her.          
[feel-act crossed intrapersonal relation]

I tried to sabotage her, in order to make her          

understand that I didn't like her.
[feel-act crossed intrapersonal relation]

I tried to make her understand through my body          

llanguagewhat I thought about her.
[think-express crossed intrapersonal relation]

A relational matrix of a team in an organization, comprising a boss and

four employees

RELATIONAL J.D. P.B. (boss) O.D. M.K. P.W.

MATRIX OF
ACCOUNTING
DEPARTMENT
BEFORE
RELATIONAL
INTERVENTION 

  Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted Received Emitted to Received Emitted to
from J.D. J.D.                from P.B. P.B. from O.D. to O.D. from M.K. from P.W.
M.K. P.W.

J.D.   [O] [X]     [O]    

       

J.D. J.D. avoids J.D. feels

interprets P.B., as a that M.K.'s
P.B.'s reaction to behavior
body perceiving a expresses
language negative that she has
“signs” as assessment come to
conveying of his work, have
meaning made by feelings for
P.B. him, and
tells her that

P.B. (boss) [O] [X]   [O]          

       

To the Through his P.B. thinks

avoidant body that O.D. Is
behavior language, arrogant,
of J.D., because
P.B. P.B. is trying he seems
reacts to make J.D. rude and
rationally, aware that indifferent
by he thinks to the
thinking Jim is not presence
that Jim doing his job of others,
holds a well enough and, being
negative his boss,
attitude considers
towards sanctioning
him him

O.D.   [X]   [X]     [X]   [X]

         
 O.D. is very O.D. is very O.D. is very O.D. is very
preoccupied preoccupied preoccupied preoccupied
with his new with his new with his new with his new
business business business business
ideas, and ideas, and ideas, and ideas, and
expresses expresses expresses expresses
this by this by this by this by
avoiding his avoiding his avoiding his avoiding his
coworkers coworkers coworkers coworkers
and and and and
appearing appearing appearing appearing
uninterested uninterested uninterested uninterested

M.K.   [X]     [O]        

     

M.K. wants M.K. thinks

to learn that O.D. Is
more from arrogant,
J.D., and because
she tries to he seems
make him rude and
understand indifferent
that through to the
her behavior presence
(she tries to of others
keep him
 
after work,
she often
asks for
help)

P.W.                  

LEGEND

Crossed interpersonal relations

[X] acting-feeling

[O] expressing-thinking

Crossed intrapersonal relations

[X] thinking-expressing

[O] feeling-acting

The relational matrix of the same team, after relational intervention

RELATIONAL J.D. P.B. (boss) O.D. M.K. P.W.

MATRIX OF
ACCOUNTING
DEPARTMENT
AFTER
RELATIONAL
INTERVENTION

  Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted to Received Emitted t
from J.D. J.D. from P.B. P.B. from O.D. O.D. from M.K. M.K. from P.W.
P.W.

J.D.   [O]              
     J.D. learned J.D. is now
to act willing to help
J.D. according to M.K. develop
interprets body professionally,
P.B.'s body language and spends
language signs he more time
“signs” as received tutoring her
conveying from his
meaning boss, and
adjust his
actions so
as to not
receive any
more
negative
signals, as
well as ask
him for
verbal
clarifications
when he
received
such
signals.

P.B. (boss)   [X]              

    P.B. no
more
P.B. did not thinks that
manage to O.D. is
be more arrogant,
outspoken, and thus no
and more
spontaneously considers
and plainly sanctioning
communicate him
through
verbal
language his
cognitive
assessments
of J.D.'s
work

O.D.                  

  O.D. is very O.D. is very O.D. is very O.D. is v

preoccupied preoccupied preoccupied preoccu
with his new with his new with his new with his n
business business business business
ideas, and ideas, and ideas, and ideas, a
expresses expresses expresses express
this verbally this verbally this verbally this verb
to J.D. to his boss to M.K. to P.W.

M.K.                  

  M.K. is more M.K. no

outspoken more
about her thinks that
intentions O.D. is
arrogant

P.W.                  

Bibliography
Tapu, C.S. (2001). Hypostatic Personality: Psychopathology of Doing and
Being Made. Premier (Not a book for everyone; it requires a basic knowledge
of psychology/psychiatry).
 

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