another, not just any wrongs done (a business could wrong me, for
instance, or I, a business). Now, there are some who believe that the fact
“Caring Enough to
Confront”
Matthew 18
May 18, 2008
4 “G’s” of Peacemaking:
• Glorify God
• Get the log out of your own
eye
• Gently restore
• Go and be reconciled
Where we’ve been thus far:
• A vision for Red Oak, a place of grace and peace – 4 goals:
o Unity with each other on matters of importance
o No one ever leaves this church because of, or with,
unresolved relationship issues
o No divorces within this body. Zero. Ever.
o Every member of Red Oak does all within his/her
power to live at peace with everyone (Romans 12:18)
• The fact that conflict provides opportunities for us, some of
which we’ll look at today
• The first priority in a conflict situation, and the first priority in
life, is the glory of God
• Before we begin to concern ourselves with the issues another
person has in his life, we need to take a long hard look at
ourselves, and get the logs out of our own eyes
This morning, we talk about caring enough to confront. What is in
view in this verse is personal wrongs done by one brother/sister to
that the original language has Jesus’ clause ending with the word “sins”,
making Jesus say, “If your brother sins”, suggests that this passage is
about any sin that a brother commits, not limited to sinning against you,
per se. That’s not an untenable position, and some of the broader context
could support that idea. I remember the time when a friend and I drove
several hours to arrive, unannounced, at the home of mutual friends,
having heard that the next day, she was going to leave him and file for
divorce. We spoke for several hours with her, pleading with her to do
what was right, for as a professing Christian, she was clearly in the
wrong. Ultimately, she did not listen, and she followed through with her
sin. But we made the effort, because we knew that it was wrong, morally
and spiritually, for her to take the godless course of action that she did.
We did the right thing, no doubt about it. Still, is that what Jesus is
speaking of here? Many commentators suggest, and I agree, that what is
in our ESV text here, “against you”, is implied in Jesus’ original words,
that He’s referring to a person committing some sin that has a personal
bearing on one’s life, in such a way as to give offense. Today’s passage
answers the question, “what do we do, as members of Christ’s
community, when other members of the community sin against us?”
Let’s begin with a true-life story. I was in my office one morning when I
got a call. “I need to talk with you”, she said, and we scheduled an
appointment for later that week. When she came into my office, it was
clear that she was a bit uneasy about what it was she wanted to say, but
she came out with it: “Pastor, your teasing with me hurt a little bit. I
know you didn’t mean anything by it, but you really went a little too far.”
I knew exactly what she was talking about; on a field trip with kids from
the church, she’d made a remark about herself that I’d found funny, I had
seized upon it to give her grief. It was meant to be good-natured from my
end, but after awhile, I could tell that she wasn’t laughing anymore. I
quit, but I wondered if she’d taken offense. Turns out, she had!
So what options did she have? Talk about those in
Table Talk
• What are some bad things that she could have done?
• What are some good options?
Here’s the end of the story: her decision to confront me about the issue
made a huge difference in our relationship. I immediately apologized,
assured her that I meant no harm, but that I didn’t want to be hurtful in
what I said, promised to keep a bit more careful watch in the future,
assured her that she did the right thing. And our relationship, which
wasn’t badly harmed anyway, was fully restored. Why? Because she
had the courage to do the right thing and confront me about something
I’d done that was offensive to her. In fact, when I began putting this
series together, I thought about this incident, and sent her an email
thanking her for having the courage to confront. She admitted, in her
response, that she’d been nervous about doing it, but having done it
anyway, was so glad that she had, that the air was cleared between us.
And I’m glad, too, because if she hadn’t, would she have nursed a
grudge? Would I have been challenged to be a little more careful with
my words? Would we have been reconciled, or would there have been a
distance between us, perhaps even one that I’d have wondered about the
source of?
I. The Right Attitude:
The broader context of this passage is that Jesus is giving the norms and
rules of His new creation society; He is instructing us in the ethics of
His kingdom, how we are to live as subjects under His reign whose
allegiance is to Him. This meshes with the first of our “four Gs”: our
purpose in conflict, and in life, is that we glorify God.
A. Humility – Matthew 18:1-4
Jesus instructs His followers on the need for humility, and on the need
for the Biblical fruit of self-discipline.
B. Concern for Others – Matthew 18:10-14
The immediate context of this verse is that God believes in search-and-
rescue missions. He speaks of the shepherd who, realizing that one of
his sheep is missing, will leave the sheep that are in the fold and go
searching for the one who is lost. Then, having found that sheep, he will
rejoice more for that one that is found than for the 99 who never strayed
away. We, as members of the community of the King, need to reflect
that kind of loving concern for others, such that those who stray are
sought after and brought back into the fold. So when we come to verse
15, we recognize that the context is restoration. That’s important,
because when we read of the necessity of confronting someone else
regarding the sin in his life, if we’re not careful and miss that context,
we’ll turn what Jesus clearly meant to be a ministry of restoration into a
“ministry” of confrontation—and we don’t confront people just to get
our jollies, or to get even, or to get some emotional satisfaction, as in, “I
sure told her!” “Caring enough to confront” means just that: caring
enough to confront!
Finally, the following context, the verses immediately on the heels of this
passage, involve the parable Jesus told about the man who had been
forgiven a million-dollar debt, who then turns around and hatefully
demands that a servant pay him a picayune debt of a few bucks. In other
words, Jesus is reminding us that as His followers, we must be people
defined by grace and forgiveness, both on the receiving end and on the
giving end! In fact, even using the word “confront”, while I’ll try to
define it for you, might be a bit too strong, and yet the fact is that for
every one of us who thrives on the idea of confronting another person,
there are probably five of us who shrink from it, who err of the side of
what we mistakenly call “grace” or “love”—when in fact the opposite is
true, that if loving confrontation is called for, we are anything but loving
when we shirk that Biblical responsibility.
“If your brother sins against you…” – the implication here is a sin that is
unconfessed and unrepented-of. It may well be a sin that the individual
isn’t even aware he’s committed. Jesus has been warning against the evil
of tempting others to sin, but what if the shoe is on the other foot? What
if I’m the one sinned against?
II. The Right Approach: “Go and Tell Him
His Fault” - :15a
Jesus says that if I have been sinned against by a brother, it’s my
responsibility to go and tell him his fault. Now, this isn’t to contradict
something I said last week: “it is the glory of a man to overlook an
offense” (Proverbs 19:11), and if that is possible, it ought to be done. We
are neither commanded nor encouraged by Jesus’ words here to go after
every person who doesn’t treat us with perfect respect, or who says words
that have a tiny hurtful effect, or what-have-you. We take His words as
they were meant, and we balance them with other Scripture. Here’s a
good question: about what ought I consider confronting? It is the glory of
a man to overlook an offense, we saw last week; minor things ought to be
overlooked to the degree possible. But here are some guidelines as to
when confrontation is best:
• Dishonoring God – of course, all sin dishonors God, so that’s not
what I’m saying; I’m talking about the kind of sin that is public
enough that the name of Jesus is harmed thereby.
• Distancing toward the other person – a rift is created between you
and the other person that will not be mended absent face-to-face
contact and restoration
• Damaging other people – the actions of the other person are
clearly hurting someone else.
 • Destroying himself – the person is engaging in self-destructive
behavior.
But what is Jesus saying? When someone has sinned against me to such
a degree that overlooking it isn’t really a viable option, it’s my
responsibility to care enough about that person to confront him with his
sin. And don’t stop after going once, just because the person doesn’t
respond correctly the first time. The verb in Matthew 18:15 is a verb of
continuous action, as in “keep on going”, and do so until such time as it
becomes obvious that nothing will change in the other person. An initial
brush-off or negative response may be a coping mechanism, but in time,
the person might become much more open. Then again, he might
become walled-off; if that’s the case, we go to strategy step two,
outlined by Jesus in the next verse, which we’ll see in a bit.
Now, let’s not turn Jesus’ words into a legalism. Is it 100%, all the time,
in every single circumstance, the best thing to go face-to-face, one-on-
one with another person? Dare I say, “no”? Are there instances when
going mano a mano isn’t prudent? Sure…
• When the other person can be physically abusive
• Perhaps when the other person has clearly superior arguing
skills, such that intimidation of that sort comes into play
• When there is a very real concern that the person will
manipulate the conversation to his ultimate advantage, or to the
detriment of the person bringing up the issue
Regardless, we ought to be guided by genuine love for the other person,
and the wisdom of God (Philippians 2:3-4; James 1:5). What’s the
important thing Jesus is driving at? Dealing with the offending
individual in such a way that restoration is the end result, by making
him aware of his sin. Generally, face-to-face is appropriate, but we
allow for circumstances when we remember and practice the principle
Jesus is laying out, remembering that that is what is more important than
slavishly following a legalism that Jesus did not intend.
And from time to time folks will come to me and talk about a problem
they’ve had with another person, some wrong that the person has
committed against them. We all have it happen. Here’s the first
response my pastor always used to teach us to ask: “why are you telling
me this?” This forces the person to face the critical question of motive.
But assuming the motive is to resolve the issue and help the person, then
the next question deals with method: “have you gone to the person and
spoken with him about it?” Because this is what Jesus teaches us to do.
And if the answer is “no”, then the next question is, “when are you
going to do this”.
“But confrontation is not my style…” Great! As Ken Sande wrote, “…
anyone who is eager to go and show a brother his sin is probably
disqualified from doing so…the best confronters are usually people who
would prefer not to have to talk to others about their sin but will do so out
of obedience to God and love for others.” Jesus doesn’t really give us an
escape clause on this one; there’s no easy out for us when it comes to
caring enough to confront: it’s our responsibility, whether it fits our
personality style or not. But allow me to suggest several Scriptural
principles which promise to make the process as God-honoring—and dare
as I as easy—as possible:
A. Speak the truth in love – Eph. 4:15
I will say this enough that you’ll probably tire of hearing it, but if we
could, as followers of Christ, simply get this one concept “down pat”,
we’d conquer so many of our communication struggles. I believe that
every one of us has temptations to fall off on one side or the other. We
have natural “truth-tellers”, people who find the basic message of today to
be no big deal, because confrontation doesn’t scare them. The message
for you is “love!” And then there are other folks who fall off the beam the
other way; they’re the lovers, and sometimes, they’ll shrink back from
confronting people who need to be confronted out of a misguided sense of
“love”. Which are you? Speak the truth in love.
B. Speak grace, not law – Ephesians 4:29
Confrontation can become “corrupting talk” if its motive isn’t to build up,
to “minister grace” to the hearers. Too many times, in conflict situations,
we speak “law”—“you did this wrong! You did that wrong! You violated
the law”, if you will. And yes, there is a place for calling attention to such
violations, but the context is grace! God saves us by grace, and makes us
ministers of that grace! Speak grace!
C. Speak less, listen more – James 1:19
This helps us understand that confronting an individual should not
become a monologue, much less a tirade where I “tell the other person
off”. Look at James’ words. More than that, heed his words! When I
listen, I learn, and this caring confrontation needs to be a dialog, not
simply putting the other person in her place. God gave you two ears that
never shut, and one mouth that does. Act accordingly.
D. Speak with God’s wisdom – James 1:5
Don’t know what to say? Think you’re all alone in the confronting?
No…God the Holy Spirit lives in each person who is a follower of Jesus,
and He is the Spirit of Wisdom Who delights in filling our minds and
hearts with His wisdom, if we will ask for it. Ask for it!
III. The Right Outcome: “You Have Gained
Your Brother” - :15b
What’s the purpose of confronting the offending person? Is it primarily
to receive personal satisfaction, to “put him in his place”, to “stand up
for my rights”? No…it is for the sake of the offender, that he should
find repentance, forgiveness, restoration, that his fellowship with God
and with me should be restored.
“Gained your brother” – you will be an instrument in the hand of God to
help bring back a fallen one from the error of his sinful ways. Yes, God
can convict an individual apart from anything I do; that happens to me
from time to time, when someone will say, “I need to apologize to you.”
Many times, my response has been, “whatever for?” And the person will
detail something he’d done that was bugging his conscience, sometimes
something that hadn’t even occurred to me. That makes it real easy to
forgive, if I didn’t even feel offended! But there are times as well when
I’ve confronted an individual, and apparently, his sin hadn’t occurred to
him. Once I approached the senior pastor of my church; I was a lowly
intern on staff there, many years ago. He had said words that wounded
someone else on staff, and I did what I felt had to be done, as
apprehensive as I was to do it. I’d love to tell you that immediately, he
owned up to his sin; he didn’t. At the same time, I know the integrity of
the man, and I feel certain that he at some point, probably sooner rather
than later, took the appropriate steps to make it right. And if indeed
that’s the case, as I expect it to be, then God used me as His instrument
to bring repentance in the person’s life. Here’s how James puts it:
“My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone
should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the
error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of
sins” (James 5:19-20).
IV. The Right Determination: Persistence -
:16-17
This passage gives warrant to what has become known as “church
discipline”. If the individual who has sinned against us displays an
obstinate refusal to apologize, we are to care enough for his spiritual
well-being that we take others along with us to confront him.
Ultimately, if he demonstrates a contempt for correction and is
unwilling to reconsider and repent, we are to love him enough to bring
his sin before the entire congregation and then, if no repentance is
forthcoming, we are to love him enough to employ the shock-treatment of
removing him from the congregation.
Sound harsh? Think about the alternatives:
• To not confront a person about a clear matter of sin is to say to
the person, “we don’t care about your spiritual condition”.
• To not confront a person about a clear matter of sin is to say, “we
don’t care about the public testimony of this church; it doesn’t
matter how our members live.” That’s not a church I want to be a
part of; it’s not a church worthy of the name.
• To not confront a person about a clear matter of sin is to say, “we
don’t care about the Name of Jesus, because it doesn’t matter to
us what people who bear His name do.”
See, the most loving thing we can do is to confront a person who needs
confronting about his sin, and it’s also the most loving thing we can do for
the church, for the name of Jesus, and for the glory of God!
I’d love to tell you that I have this one down. I’d love to be able to say
that every time a person had sinned against me in a way that affected our
relationship, I’d taken Jesus’ words seriously and cared enough to
confront. But I haven’t, of course. John thought I was making long
distance phone calls from the church phone. His evidence? The church’s
phone bill was higher than he thought it ought to be. And so one evening,
in a leadership meeting, he asked me about it. I told him that I really had
no idea why the phone bill was too high for his liking, but I assured him
that I wasn’t making personal long distance calls from the church phone.
It was hard to read what he was thinking, but I thought that my
explanation satisfied him, and I forgot about it. Then, a couple weeks
later on the floor of the church business conference, he publicly repeated
his suspicion that I was making long distance calls. Again, I assured the
congregation that I hadn’t been doing any such thing, and that was the end
of the matter. Except…except that John had publicly called my integrity
into question, and it was a painful thing to experience; frankly, John was
calling me a liar, though he’d not have probably used that term. Should I
have confronted him, or let the matter drop? In this case, because it
harmed my subsequent relationship with him, I should have taken John
aside and confronted him with his sin against me—but I didn’t. What
could have been, should have been, dealt with by me, was left undone,
mainly because I didn’t relish the thought of confrontation. But that was
my mistake; I failed John by failing to call him to account for his sin
against me.
V. The Right Response: Forgiveness - :21-34
There is not enough time this morning to give this passage anywhere
near a full treatment; let’s say this: as we have been received and
forgiven by God on the basis of Jesus Christ and our faith in Him, we
must extend that forgiveness to others. If God treats us with grace, so
must we treat others, and when we care enough to confront, and that
confrontation ends in repentance, then we must forgive, regardless the
depth of the offense against us. Listen to the way Jesus illustrates this
(read text).
Caring enough to confront: this isn’t, in many respects, the most
pleasant thing we’re called upon to do as followers of Christ, but it can
be one of the most essential, because it’s part of being a peacemaker,
and of fulfilling the text that sets the tone for this series, Ephesians 4:3:
“Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit”.
Table Talk
• Talk about differences between “caring
confrontation” and confrontation where love isn’t
obvious. How do you feel and respond differently
to confrontation when you know the other person
has a genuine love and concern for you? Do you
think that caring confrontation is more effective
than “uncaring” confrontation? Why?
• Which of the four Scriptural instructions about how
to approach another person do you personally find
most difficult, and why? How might you overcome
that problem?
Christian with you? Do you think that your response
could be more Christlike? How?
3.Consider the four Scriptural instructions about how
to approach another person (the four “speaks”). Are
there other Scriptures that you’d add to this list
regarding our approach toward others? Do you have
any suggestions you can share with the group as to
how we might implement these things practically?
4.Read through and discuss “Practical Suggestions on
Taking the Right Approach”.
5. Have you ever seen a church discipline case where
someone was confronted about his sin, repented, and
was restored to fellowship? Share it with the group.
Do you think that forgiveness was difficult for some
in the church to extend to this person? Why?
Looking Ahead
Next week, we finish this series by considering the final
“G” of peacemaking: “Go and Be Reconciled”. We will
be looking at genuine peace. Consider together this
question: “what are some of the ingredients of genuine
peace?

Five Good Questions

1.Can you think of a time when someone has lovingly
confronted you, and it has helped you draw closer
to Christ? Or, can you think of a time when you’ve
done the same for another Christian, with the same
effect? Share it with the group.
2.What do you do when someone begins to share
“negative” information (gossip?) about another