Issue #3, February-March 2008

http://thedependent.ath.cx/

The Dependent
We're coming out of hibernation!

Morlocks Exposed as True

Controllers of Vending
Machines
By Andrew Androgynous
A surprising-but-you-saw-it-coming development has given explanation to the
erratic behavior of the vending machines: they are under the control of Morlocks.
Pictures taken by the 243 security cameras in the vending machine area showed
little flurry creatures quickly crawling out of the vending machines and going
into other machines several times during the wee hours of the morning. Experts
say the Morlocks were most likely going to discuss the latest episode of
American Idol.
This development has proven no surprise to many, seeing as how the machines
have had a history of volatility. Junior Aniket Panjwani (or APJ as his crew calls
him, and by his crew I mean his imaginary friends), an aspiring Vending
Machinist had this to say, Me put change in machine. Me want food yum yum.
Me getting no thing. Put wrong number in. Me cant count. I sad. APJ
proceeded to cry hystericallyand things just got really awkward from there, so
I left.
Dr. Robert Blecher, a more reliable professional, elaborates on concerns raised
from the machines behavior: I have studied the behavior of the machines and it
seems that during every summer solstice, there would be exactly 5 missing
persons cases, all of whom were last seen in the vicinity of the vending
machines. At first I thought this was a coincidence, but when the number of
missing persons rose to past the 500s, I grew concerned. My initial theory of
vicious Scientologist pandas didnt pan out though. Blecher eventually
discovered the truth, though remained quiet under threats from the Morlock
community of putting extra calories in his soft drinks.
Rumors of a sinister force have long plagued the vending machines. From the
early days when the vending machines were first being installed, Kickapoo
Indians warned that the machines were being installed on sacred burial grounds.
Despite the death of three people, installation of the machines proceeded. Over
the years, there have been over 1,065 deaths attributed to the machines. Students
have also witnessed the erratic behavior of the machines to a lesser extent than
death: getting two cans of soda for the price of one (and even the urban legend of
the threepeat), receiving nothing despite entering the correct amount of money,
receiving the wrong junk food, and at times just receiving a swift kick to the
shins. Such happenings have scared some away from the vending machines, but a
few brave souls still dared to approach the dangers of the vending machines, and
the death toll continued to rise.
After the discovery of the Morlock nation, several solutions have been
proposed, each as ineffective against the mighty Morlocks as the one before it.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

LOCAL

How to Survive a Chicagoland Winter

By Andrew Androgynous
Dependent Staff Reporter

Some people believe a little thing called Global Warming exists. Right. Sure. And Ive been putting effort into my
senior year. Winter in Chi-town is as brutal as ever. When I see 5 non-snow winters in a row, THEN Ill believe you. Until
then, enjoy these tips on surviving a Chi-town winter.
Tip#1: Raise polar bears for the purpose of eventually skinning them and making nice haute-couture coats out of their
furand perhaps some soup out of their meat? Dont hate until youve tried it. Polar bear soup is my second favorite
soup behind egg drop soup. For those with the money/land able to raise other animals, I also suggest monkey slippers,
seal mittens, and whale blubber-insulated hats contained within fur of flamingo. Of course, delicious soups can be made
with all of the aforementioned animals. One animal is an exception to extensive insulating usage, and that is the penguin.
Those cute adorable animals were meant only to be worshiped and nothing else. Harming them would be a sin against
God (or YHWH, or Buddha, or Tom Cruise).
Tip #2: Get Steve Jobs to invent the iFurnace. We have the iPod, the iTV, why not an iFurnace? This invention, while I
have no idea how it would actually work, would revolutionize the fight against coldness. Again, while my inferior
intelligence has very little concept of how it would work, here are some functions that I expect smarter people to put in
the product. Any missing components from the list below will result in 10 lashes (preferably from a alligator-skinned
rope) each to Mr. Jobs.
One of those sweet iPod touch dials that will adjust the radiating temperature from 75 to infinity. If the dial doesnt
stop spinning, why should the temperature?
The ability to focus all the temperature in a beam. This would be helpful forwell it would just be cool. Just imagine
all the fun youd have with your friends and all the No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die moments youd have.
A timer that will perfectly pop your popcorn without burning it or leaving a single kernel unpopped.
Different colors of heat. Orange is so pass.
Tip #3: Whenever there is an announcement following the announcements that all recycling bins need to be taken to be
dumped into those big, green recycling bins, instead, go to the football field and dump it there. Then light the pile on fire
and make it the biggest, longest-living bonfire ever. Itll be just like Homcoohright.
Tip #4: Sweaty dance party marathons. Need I say more?
Tip #5: Hold a Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting at the Arboretum, unsupervised.
Tip #6: Attempt (and fail) at becoming the next Jon Brady by juggling flaming bowling pins in your home.
Tip #7: Instead of voting for your favorite American Idol contestant via cell phone, burn their name into the ground and
someone from FOX will see it and get the idea.
Tip #8: Next time you hear of an oil spill, help out. With a blowtorch and lighters.
Tip #9: Instead of shoveling snow with shovels and snow plows, use flamethrowers. It worked with cicadas, itll work
for snow.
The advancement of the destruction of cold weather can serve a dual purpose with the fight against underage drinking.
FACW (Friends Against Cold Weather) can team up with MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) to help prevent
underage drinking and find better things to do with bottles of beer instead of drinking them. Some ideas include:
Practice your archery skills by shooting flaming arrows at bottles of beer. The beer gets destroyed and the cool fiery
explosion will kill the cold particles around it. Everybody wins!
Lighting bottles of beer on fire and throwing them at Glenbard Westif the whole school catches fire it will be a
roaring fire to warm our hand by for months to come.
Lighting kegs on fire and catapulting them at rival schools.
Hopefully these ideas have inspired you to join the ongoing fight against being cold. Remember, its one thing to shovel
snow, a temporary fix. Finding a way to light the sky on fire, now THATS a permanent solution.

SCHOOL

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

One idea would be to blast water into

the vending machines and seal all exits,
subsequently
drowning
all
the
Morlocks, however, it is unknown
whether the Morlocks can swim or not,
and this may upset the Morlocks even
further, possibly causing them to go on
the offensive. Another proposal was to
simply surrender to the Morlocks and
proclaim allegiance to their superiority.
The uncertain outcome of whether or
not the Morlocks would accept our
allegiance or enslave us struck fear in
many however. Other rejected proposals
included subjecting the Morlocks to the
PSAEs, putting the vending machines
in a Drivers Ed car with a sophomore at
the wheel, ship the vending machines to
Canada, and dance-party them to death.
Whatever plan of action, vending
machine patrons should be cautious
when approaching the vicinity of the
almighty Morlock nation, and if vending
machine
delicacy
is
absolutely
necessary, perhaps sacrifice a virgin
sheep with a lock of your hair a week in
advance for good measure.

Stairs to be Replaced by
Escalators; Encourage Traffic
Flow
By Garrett Padera
Dependent Technical God

GLENBARD SOUTH District 87 headquarters announced on Wednesday

that they are planning to replace three sets of stairs at Glenbard South with one
way escalators. The stairways that are being replaced are the three in the
northeast corner of the tower, more famously known as the ones which you
cannot enter from the tower side. The escalators are being installed to serve a
dual purpose. Their main goal is to lessen the effort that it takes for students to
get to classes. By adding escalators, you have one less reason that you were
late to class. Contested stairways will no longer be on the table for you.
Better start looking in the the dog ate my shoes area for excuses. The second
problem that the escalators are designed to solve is the problem of the direction
of traffic. In order to bring more structure and stability to the chaotic
atmosphere of the school, the escalators will only run one way-- up. (In the
case of the very bottom escalator, down.) Instead of having one, or possibly
two Andy Frain security guards at each staircase, none will be needed as the
constant flow of standing students will immediately reverse the direction of
any rebel who decides to commit the mortal sin of transgressing the escalatorthe wrong way.
These new escalators will usher in a great new time for the school and
students alike. Next time you're mundanely ascending the northeastern
staircase in the tower, imagine being able to do so without repetitive action of
putting one foot before the other. The fancy footwork you call walking will
soon give way to the technical revolution of escalators.

WORLD NEWS

Fidel Castro to Enjoy

Retirement

Russian Paranoia
Highest Since Cold War

By Bernardo Vazquez
Dependent in Esapol reporter

Dependent Staff Writer

MIAMI- With the announcement of Fidel Castros retirement from the

role of President of Cuba, a role he has held since the revolution in 1959,
The Dependent sent me to Cuba to interview this important figure in
Cuban life. Upon arriving in Havana, Castros personal chauffeur picked
me up from the airport and drove me to the Presidential Palace. Once
there, the soon to be ex-leader of the island greeted me warmly, dressed
in a blue, red, and white Adidas sweat suit. He offered me one of his
finest Cuban cigars, but I politely declined. I began the interview and he
was more than forthcoming in giving information.
The Dependent: How does it feel to be retired?
Castro: Well, after nearly fifty years of dutiful service to the people of
this glorious, prosperous island nation, and at the age of 81, I felt it was
time to give the reigns of power to my younger brother Raul, so I can
enjoy retirement.
TD: And how old is Raul?
C: He is a young 76.
TD: What do you plan on doing in your newly acquired free time?
C: Im planning to write my memoirs, and give inspirational speeches to
high schools around the United States, giving my rewarding advice to
the young people of today.
TD: What has been the most rewarding part of being president for so
long?
C: Well, the best thing was serving the people of this glorious,
prosperous island nation. I also enjoyed the privilege of guiding this
commercially stable country into a new and better era of financial
happiness.
TD: Okay um, where was I, oh yes, is there any truth behind the
rumors of your intestinal surgery being to treat diverticulitis?
C: Oh, that, it was just a tummy ache. Too many frijoles one night, thats
all. Next question.
TD: The United States has long had a vendetta against you; do you recall
any assassination attempts?
C: There was the time a bomb was planted in one of my cigar boxes, but
luckily I always have a servant test the cigars first. Ah, poor Carlos, he
was a good man.
TD: With the change in leaders, does this spell more freedom for
Cubans?
C: More freedom? How much more can they possibly have here in this
prosperous, glorious island paradise? I dont think Raul will be
encouraging mob rule any time soon.
TD: The people always see you in the same military uniform. How many
do you own?
C: Sixty-two. Do you want one as a souvenir?
TD: Yes, thank you. Last question. What do you have to say in response
to your treatment of hundreds of political prisoners?
C: Get out! And dont take that uniform with you!
With that, I hurriedly ran out of the Palace, chased by Castros private
security guards, off to the nearest port where my row boat back to the
States was waiting.
Next issue: Bernardo Vazquez interviews Venezuelan President Hugo
Chavez!

By Bryan Killian
THE KREMLIN- News of February's
attempt by the United States government to
shoot down a malfunctioning satellite has
caused an outcry from the Russian
government. A spokesperson from the
Kremlin in a private interview said that the
supposed missile launch was actually a
cleverly disguised plan to unveil the United
States newest space weapons system. How
can we continue our peaceful democracy here
in Russia, if the United States continues to
expand its military? You dont see us [Russia]
expanding any portions of our military. ExPresident Putin would certainly not want that.
As an ex-agent of the KGB (the Russian
secret police), he should know what he is
talking about. Others in the country have
raised concerns about the threat of space
monopolization by a country. In a survey on
Russias only state-sponsored news television
program, 110% of viewers who phoned in
were opposed to the idea of an American
space missile program. When asked about the
mathematical impossibility of the survey
results, the station manager responded, Well,
Im sure the general message of the survey
was clear.

WAR FOR THE WHITE HOUSE

Hollaback Girl Outed as Hillary Clinton

By Andrew Androgynous
Dependent Staff Reporter

One of the great mysteries of our time has been resolved: who is that ambiguous Hollaback girl?? The conundrum that
eluded even the most brilliant minds and left many scratching their scalps til it was raw, bloody, and bruised has finally
been solved. A former Clinton aide spoke exclusively with The Dependent on terms of anonymity due to the sensitivity of
the issue. Since we here have no respect for narcs, well tell you straight up: It was Janet Reno, but Ill refer to her as
Shmanet Shmeno for the rest of this story to protect her privacy.
When Hollaback Girl was originally released, it created a buzz like no other; smashing records and becoming the first
song to break one million downloads on iTunes. Questions soon followed though: What exactly is a Hollaback Girl?;
Why does this song suck so much?; Is that really how you spell bananas? Countless entries were soon published on
urbandictionary.com; the most popular being Ms. Stefanis character is such that she is not the type of person who
counters verbal attacks with verbal attacks, or hollering back. this is shortened to hollaback. Additionally, it appears
as though this altercation will take place somewhere near the bleachers.
So far, the afore-stated definition has lauded 2762 thumbs up. However, other urbandictionary.com definitions disagree,
such as this one: A hollaback girl is one of the backup, inferior cheerleaders. This definition only garnered 419 thumbs
up.
An even more puzzling mystery arose though: Who is the original hollaback girl? The search for the initial hollaback girl
became the new Mona Lisa of the 21st century. Millions upon thousands upon hundreds upon quintuplets of those
searching for the origins of the Mona Lisa soon deemed their search fruitless and moved on. Mona Lisa had this to say
about being tossed aside like last nights meatloaf, I dont know who this hollaback girl is, but I hate her. The world was
busy focusing on the fabulous me and I was soaking up the glamor. I was like freaking Fergie, but less trashy. I got a 7figure paycheck to star in The DaVinci Code. I dont care how incredibly bad it was, it made the green for me to buy
shoes. But along comes this hoochie mama stealing all my thunder. This was said in 2006. Two years later, the mystery
has been solved.
Shmanet Shmeno reported that as an aide in the White House during the Lewinsky
scandal, she often overheard many arguments between then-president and First Lady Bill
& Hillary Clinton. They would often yell at each other for hours on end. Bill would say
one thing, Hillary would make a snide remark, Bill would yell back, and itd be an endless
loop. At one point, Bill said, Why do you always have to holler back, girl? I guess the
name stuck and became his little nickname for her, kind of like how she always referred to
him as [censored], commented Shmeno.
Somehow, in the close relationship between Hollywood and Washington, the term
Hollerback Girl was bounced around a lot. It became part of the entertainment industry
lingo; taking its place amongst phrases such as Thats hot!; wardrobe malfunction; and
Sexyback. Eventually, the term reached Gwen Stefani and she thought, I could be that
Hollerback Girl. After many long and hard nights, Stefani eventually penned a song based
on a word she had little actual understanding of. Even more risky, though, was replacing
the er with a in Hollerback.
This was one of the riskiest moves in music history. Hollerback Girl faced guaranteed The Hollaback Girl
success, but being the risk-taker and pioneer that Gwen is, she would accept nothing less
than a worldwide hit. So she turned Hollerback into Hollaback, hoping to expand to more markets that were less
grammar-intensive, but also risking the wrath and hurt sales of supporters of verbs that end in er. In the end, her gamble
paid off, commented Stefanis lovechild Kingston.
The new development has polarized political analysts. On one hand, some analysts believe this will greatly boost
Clintons popularity among younger voters, taking away from the stronghold that Democratic rival Barack Obama has in
this demographic. On the other hand, the song quickly wore out its welcome, leaving many listeners confused and
annoyed at not knowing what exactly a hollaback girl was. Association with this could tarnish Clintons campaign.
Obamas aides have been quick to use this new development against Clinton, claiming that because of her, we had to
endure Stefanis frightening music video in which she pranced around in a leotard and squeaked Supaflyyyyyyyyyyyy in
an agonizing 12-year-old tweeny bopper voice.
When reached for comment, Clinton refused to make an official statement other than to say, This is bananas.

HOROSCOPES

Horoscopes
By Madame Cleo Zoro of the 8th ward of the Gemini Sisterhood

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

No matter how many times you call her or how many human hearts you send to her, Cascada will NOT go out
with you. Human hearts have a completely different cultural meaning in Germany.
Stop wishing every 11:11 that youll become more popular, it hasnt worked the last 50 times youve done it and
will wont work for the next 50 times

Taurus (April 20 May 20)

A horrible illness will suddenly befall you. You will receive a related call from a girl name Cindy.
You will be attacked by a horde of angry radioactive apples. Eventually you will make up and become fast
friends in a European country.

Gemini (May 21 June 21)

You will suddenly realize you left someone important to you in a crate in Guadalajara.
A difficult choice involving Oompa Loompas will need to be made by you.
A realization will be made that Rihanna is saying Mama say mama sa ma-makossa in Dont Stop the Music
and not Sine, cosine, sine, cosine, sine.

Cancer (June 22 July 22)

You will have a nasty run-in with Howie Mandell, Donald Trump, and Conan OBrien in a dark alley, possibly
concerning hair.
Do not eat that extra piece of cheesecake. Its tainted with a lifetime of obesity.

Leo (July 23 August 22)

Eating Frosted Flakes does NOT give you the ability to win a fight with Shaquille ONeal. Just keep that in
mind.
You will have a horrible streak of bad luck, but dont worry, things will look up afterwards. Mostly your face
when you are buried.

Virgo (August 23 September 22)

There will be an awkward moment between you and Tyra Banks when she calls you fierce but you thought she
said fat. A catfight will ensue. Shes afraid of dolphins, remember that.
You will have to make a heart-wrenching decision between Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Life will
never be the same afterwards.

Libra (September 23 October 23)

You will unknowingly hum a Cher song and be ridiculed by your friends for the rest of your life.
You will die in 7 days. Haha, just kidding. Just a stroke or two.

Scorpio (October 24 November 21)

Nothing bad will ever happen to you: you are a Scorpio. So go ahead, jump off the roof of that building. Youll
still be as sexy (if not sexier) than before.

Sagittarius (November 22 December 21)

Sara Bareilles will smash a piano on you and be convicted of steroid use. You were the one who spiked her drink
with steroids.
Avoid six-footed gnomes wielding an Ax of Apollo.

Capricorn (December 22 January 19)

50 cent will leap in front of you, shout Flame on! and leave.
A horrible accident is waiting for you at a dance party.

Aquarius (January 20 February 18)

A vicious gang of biker roosters will beat you.

You will think you see a dog. It will actually be Death.

Pisces (February 19 March 20)

You will receive a duck in a box.

While reading this, you will realize how incredibly ugly your outfit is. I mean seriously? Were the lights even on
in your house while getting dressed? Thats embarrassing. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

PEOPLE AND ENTERTAINMENT

The Dependent Staff

Sudoku

Where were you for spring break?

Level: You decide

Carrick Rice
Not at school.
Joe Soderberg
Not at school, man.
Ben Miller

Garrett Padera
I was visiting The Dependent Archives at
http://thedependent.ath.cx/ to view old issues of The
Dependent and solved sudokus.

Want to contribute? Send articles or ideas to any of the

people above.

Staff Photo

ONE HUNDRED CALORIE NEWS

Satan Becomes Real

Estate Agent

Prom Fever Cases Appear at

GBS

By Carrick Rice

By Smitty Kalftenjinbergensteinowitz

Dependent Staff Reporter

Dependent Staff FES

HELL As a result of the recent statement by

Punxsutawney Phil declaring winter to be eternal, the
Prince of Darkness is testing the waters of the real
estate business. Since his long-time home will soon
be solid 150-foot thick permafrost, he thought he
would try to make a profit from the upcoming max
exodus of the inferno and the subsequent available
empty space. His main clientle is expected to be
lawyers and Eskimos. If youve ever been interested
in some subterranean land on which to build a house,
the Devil will be available for consultation at his new
offices in Las Vegas, Nevada.

GLEN ELLYN With Prom season fast approaching, many of

the male students at Glenbard South (well, any high school for
that matter) are experiencing a type of hysterical panic. Junior
and senior males force themselves to invent creative ways to ask
girls to the most important dance of the year. A recent medical
study revealed the source of this panic to actually be a virus
transmitted by the mere mention of the word prom. Symptoms
include: nervousness around members of the opposite gender,
sweaty palms/armpits/head/feet/upper lip/eyeballs, multiple
ulcers, projectile vomiting, twitching and/or shaking, binging and
subsequent purging, involuntarily banging your head against
walls, laughing during the 15-second moment of silence,
spontaneous singing of Hey Baby, and finally, the desire to
throw yourself off of the closest bridge or high building. If you
experience any of these symptoms, slap yourself in the face very,
very hard, and tell yourself to man up. Or you could just ask
someone to Prom, which could turn out to be an easier and much
less painful solution.

Newest Members of Glenbard South Ruffle a few Feathers

By Papa Goose
Dependent Guest Writer

ENTRANCE THREE Most of us already know of the arrival of a mating pair of geese on the grounds of the school. If
you look outside, you can see where the school has put up a fence to protect the geese from the actions of the students.
Fearing a fence may not be enough, the administration is set to appoint a new Andy Frain guard unit to patrol the
perimeter of the enclosure to ensure the occupants' safety. It is unclear the amount of money the administration has
allocated for the geese's' well being, but rumor has it that newly appointed Andy Frain guard would be equipped with
tranquilizer darts to ensure students keep at least 50 feet from the geese. The administration has maintained that these
measures are to keep the school friendly towards animals and will not create unwanted debt for the community. When
asked about their opinions on the subject, many students were disappointed that the geese could not be pet.