WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016 | Year MMXVI | Number 8.7 | PRICE: $20.
16 HAHA
Chiddy Bang and the Terrible, Sophomore Peaks
Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Breathing
Man Quietly
Over
Your Shoulder Ap-
A Childrens Re-telling of Kenyons Worst Send-off
by COL. ELTON P. DRAMADERY
I
went to sleep with Molly under my ton-
gue, and now theres molly in my hair.
When I woke up, I tripped over my gold
Versace Chain, and then I dropped my fur
coat in the sink while the water was running!
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horri-
ble, no good, very bad day.
I think Im going to move to Australia.
After breakfast, my DJ, my roadie and
I had to drive a very long way to some tiny
school in the middle of nowhere. My DJ got
a seat by the window. My roadie got a seat by
the window, too. I had to sit in the middle. I
said I was being scrunched. I said I was being
smushed. I said If I dont get a seat by the
window, Im going to be carsick! But no one
even answered. I could tell it was going to be a
terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
For more coverage of Chiddy Bangs Sendoff performance, see pg. 2.
One Asshole Youll Meet Before Youre 25
by KAT SCHRODINGER
T
heres a lot of assholes out there in the worldassholes who
dont clean common living spaces, assholes who vigorously
mouth-breathe in the library, assholes who spew personal
anecdotes during every class discussionbut theres one type of as-
At the concert, the crowd liked the Drake
and Future songs my DJ played better than
my songs. When I did my songs, they said,
You havent been remotely relevant since
I talked to a kid from
Bethesda about who his
favorite rappers were. I
wasnt one of them.
2011, why are you here? When I played the
one song they all knew, they said, Of course
hes playing this one. I could tell it was going
to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad
day.
I could tell because my DJ said I was only
his third favorite rapper. Killer Mike was
his favorite rapper, and Young Thug was his
second-favorite rapper. I was only his third-
shole I think we can all agree that weve met!
Working out every morning between seven and eight oclock be-
fore an intro biology class:
sound familiar?
favorite rapper.
I hope you sit on a tack! I said to my DJ.
I hope the next time you get an ice cream
cone, the ice cream part falls off of the cone
part and lands in Australia!
After the show, my DJ went home with
one of the girls at the party at the NCAs. My
roadie went home with one of the girls from
the party at the NCAs. I didnt go home with
anyone. Instead, I talked to a kid from Bethes-
da about who his favorite rappers were. I
wasnt one of them.
On the drive back to New York we stopped
to buy some sneakers. My DJ got Supreme
Air Max 97s. My Roadie got crisp Jordan 3s.
I wanted Yeezy 350s, but the shoe store man
said they didnt have any. They made me get
Skechers, but they cant make me wear them.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very
bad day. My mom says some days are like that.
Even in Australia. n
n
INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Pale, Quiet Junior
a Little Too Good at
PoliSci
Spring Concerts
Placate Elder A
Cappella Gods,
Campus Safe For
Now
Senior Completes
Bucket List, Burns
Every Bridge She
Ever Built
proves of Salad
COLLEGIATE
STAFF
GabeBrison-Trezise. .KatSchrodinger
Alex Pijanowski. . . . .Miguel ngel Kill
Emily Sakamoto . . . . . . . . Irving Mellish
Bill Gardner . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Henri Gendreau. . . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
Nathaniel Shahan Salvador Dittersdorf
Adam Egelman . . . . Malcolm Jaloobs
Claire Oxford . . . . . BBDowngrade
Noah Nash. . . . . Meadowlark Lemon
Eileen Carter . . . . . Armchair Smithigan
Grant Miner . . . . . . . Squeeps McQueeps
Drew Meeker . . . Salacious B. Crumb
Gabrielle Healy . . . . . Phil Tippett
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Sponsors . . . . . . . Baseball Thunders
Into Postseason, Seeing Off The Seniors,
Mens Lax Knocked Out of Conference
Tournament, Lords Lax Topples Tigeers
& Yeomen, Womens Tennis Wins Two,
Womens Lacrosse Hustles To The Top
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
2 THE COLLEGIATE, WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016
FROM THE ARCHIVES:
Purple Liver Awarded To
Kenyon Students After
Sendoff
by EEGULL EGGELSTEIN 10
S
PECIAL COLLECTIONS AND
ARCHIVESOn Monday,
Kenyon awarded the Purple
Liver to two students, history major
and army recruit Lt. Cpl. Sumner
Morgan 09 and economics major
Jonathon Johnnie Walker 09. The
Purple Liver is awarded annually to
the student who is most egregiously
afflicted by alcohol. The Purple Li-
ver award was founded when Ga-
reth Ignatius Nardosius, Class of
1911, took a firm stand against a dry
campus in years of the prohibition
era. Nardosius, who went by his ini-
tials during his time at Kenyon, be-
lieved students should be awarded
for their alcoholic escapades, and
gave the first award to student Al E.
Burr, Class of 1919, who managed to
pass four final exams in three hours
with a bottle of whiskey by his side.
Although the award is typically
given on Honors Day, the adminis-
tration could not decide between
Morgan and Walker, and postponed
their decision until the end of the
school year. Morgan had taken an
early lead in the contest with a good
showing at Halloween, dressing up
as a fish caught in six-pack rings.
However, Walker fought back by
shotgunning 24 beers through his
nose on Newman Day.
Walker countered by using a 40
foot straw to take in multiple
brews from a bullseye window.
It took an intense amount of lung
capacity to force the beer up the
straw, said Walker, Once the taste
hit my lips, I couldnt stop sucking.
This weekend, Kenyon officials
and students conferred to decide
who would win the award. Bet-
ween the five students and five
administrators who were there,
said committee member Salvatore
Spaghettes 10, We were absolutely
unable to make a decision. Nether
candidate was more alcoholicly in-
clined than the other. They will de-
finitely enjoy both the commemora-
tive plaque and the monetary award
to be used for alcohol.
Upon receiving the news, the
Army has awarded a promotion.
Capt. Morgan will be reporting
for duty after graduation from Ken-
yon. n
the kenyon collegiate
Chiddy Bang-Related News For The Month of May 2016
by MALCOLM JALOOBS
K
OKOSING RIVERSome
say the light from the fire
can still be seen from the
banks of the Kokosing after last
Sundays celebratory sending-off
of beloved rapster Chiddy Bang.
In keeping with the practices the
school has had since Philander
Chase founded it in the mid-ninth
century, whosoever is selected
to perform at the end of another
educational term is honored, at
the end of the weekend known as
Sendoff, by being placed in a balsa
wood canoe and sent down the ri-
ver, their body/bodies lit with the
fires of the holy oils kept in Palme
House.
Chiddy Bang Sent Down
Though there had been some
questioning as to whether or not
Mr. Bang would be a good choice
Kokosing in Traditional
for the end of the year festivities,
the student body eventually came
around to the idea. I wasnt so
Viking Send-Off
sure about Chiddy Bang at first,
Krem Capricorn 17 admitted. But
after thinking it over, we realized
that he was perfect. He hasnt put
tee that the Sendoff performers will go more than willing, and the bands main
out any new music in four years,
quietly. Not everyone can be like Sleigh trumpetman had even brought his own ca-
so obviously hes been building up
Bells, said Anthropology professor An- noe from home. Unfortunately, the canoe
some good new material. Plus, his
toinette Blumps, reminiscing about how was made of spruce, not balsa (as tradition
body seemed perfectly flammable,
seamlessly the traditional sending off went dictates) and there were simply too many
and we figured the immolation
two years prior. I still remember watching members to fit into a single boat.
would go off without a hitch. And
both band members lighting each other on It was a little weird how badly Ragna-
it did!
fire before lying down in the canoe and let- rok seemed to want to be part of the cere-
On the day of the ceremony,
ting the senior class push them into the wa- mony, Capricorn noted. I mean, of course
witnesses report that Mr. Bang
ter. What a way to end a year! The ashes its an honor and all, but like every member
seemed less than comfortable
of Sleigh Bells have, of course, been collec- seemed a little too into it. I hope theyre
with what was being demanded of
ted and scattered to the winds, as a form of doing okay. The band Rumplestiltskins
him. Reports of Seor Bang stru-
offering in hopes of a good harvest. current whereabouts are unknown.
ggling to remove himself from the
Along with Mr. Bangs brief struggle Chiddy Bangs charred corpse was last
canoe, even after the chainmail
against the turning of his body into a pyre, seen gently drifting down the Kokosing,
shroud was placed over his pros-
there was also the brief discussion over the embers of the fires that had engulfed
trate body, came from several sou-
whether or not the headlining act or the it slowly burning out. A block of time du-
rces.
opener should be the one to send down the ring Senior Week has been set aside for the
Of course, its never a guaran-
river. Opening act Bramblepatch seemed annual Ash Collection. n
Chitty Bang Overshadowed by Van Full of Pizza
exception. Gretta Puotto 17 expressed her concerns about the
by ORD DIMMESDALE
trucks prominently featured slut sauce, stating I dont think
P
EIRCE LAWNIn a tragic but predictable turn of events, that I can condone sex-shaming language of that kind, especially
hip hop recording artist Chitty Bang was once again cheated at Kenyon. That being said, the pizza was rad as hell. When asked
out of his place in the spotlight by a food truck. Students about the problems inherent inChitty Bangs lyrics, Putto said His
songs are just pretty bad. I dont know, while walking back to the
lined up by the dozens for pizza, unable to contain their excite-
ment. Its really amazing, gushed Annie Doof 18, an attendee of food truck area.
An unnamed spokesperson for Chitty Bang expressed his con-
Sendoff. I was expecting to have to eat a shitty burger and listen
cern for the rapper. This always happens to him, the spokesper-
to bad covers, but instead I got to eat fine pizza and listen to bad
covers. son murmured solemnly. He makes all these fun songs by taking
Multiple students cited their satisfaction at the pizza truck. other peoples songs and using his computer to make them cooler,
I got pepperoni, stated Doof, grease dribbling from her mouth. and then some pizza bus comes along and all of the sudden Mr.
When asked about the performer, Doof seemed indifferent. Bang has to play second fiddle.
Theres some mediocre rapper every year. A pizza truck--now After the concert, Chitty Bang was reportedly spotted picking
pizza crusts out of the garbage, gnawing at congealed cheese and
thats something special.
Every hero has its flaws, however, and the pizza truck was no muttering the chorus to MGMTs Kids. n
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THE COLLEGIATE, WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016 3

Student Life NEWS

Administration Designates Collection of Planned

Squirrels to Take Over After Shit Year
by IRVING MELLISH
RANSOM HALLSources report that all ad-
ministration officials have announced their
collective resignation as of 3:59 PM May 6.
After this year, it became abundantly
clear that we are all way too old for this shit,
President Sean Decatur said. I mean, shit,
man.
Despite the upset, the college will not be
left without guidance. Decatur and his advi-
sors have decided to turn the direction of the
school over to gestalt mechanism of California
ground squirrels, Hank Scrabblesdorth.
Scrabblesdorth will be the first squirrel-
based gestalt organism in a leadership po-
sition at an institution of higher learning, a
record that Decatur feels will bring special
renown to the college.
He was a joint project of the psychology
and bio departments, and were very proud
of their accomplishments, Decatur said.
Hank walks almost exactly like a person now,
and the chittering is barely noticeable unless
youre very near to him or happen to be ca-
rrying acorns on your person.
Scrabblesdorth will replace all adminis-
trators beginning immedia-
tely after Commencement on
May 21. As a cost saving mea-
sure, he will be kept in a glass
cage designed by Graham
Gund that will take over the
footprint of the former cove.
Hes really actually very
frightening when you wake
him up, so this really sends
exactly the message we want
to convey to the student
body, Decatur said.
Student reactions to the
change have been mixed.
I dunno if I really trust
this furry, scrambly man to
make administrative deci-
sions, said George Handler
17. I mean, I was pissed
about the Cove and all, but
yesterday one of the squi-
rrels stuck its head out from
Scrabblesdorths blazer and bit my girlfriend
in the neck. Very unprofessional.
Im actually quite fond of our Squirrelly
Overlord, chided Sarah Frond. All hail.
New Student
Housing Has
No Windows,
Doors, Escape
by SALVADOR DITTERSDORF
GUND COMMONSOn Tuesday,
Kenyon administration released the
plans for proposed student housing
in the village. This new housing will
be centrally located, maintain the vi-
llage feel, and be completely impene-
trable and inescapable.
These buildings will be almost
identical to the North Campus
Apartments: like the NCAs, they
will have a common space, a kitchen
(with a refrigerator, oven, and sink),
upstairs bedrooms, and absolutely
no windows, doors, or fire escapes.
The new buildings will also have the
added benefit of being completely in-
Scrabblesdorth refused to comment, as
sulated from sound and light.
the Collegiate administration correspondent
had a broken acorn stuck to the bottom of
their shoe. Funeral services for said acorn will
PLEASE CONTINUE
be held later this week. n READING ON PAGE 5.

ANTHROPOLOGY DEPARTMENT SURVEY:

When you eat ass, what part of ass do you tend to eat? What do you do when youre not eating ass?
by ARMCHAIR SMITHIGAN
[ ] Old Side [ ] Thinking about eating ass
Hi everyone! Im doing a project on hookup [ ] New Side [ ] Constructing a plan for when you next eat ass
culture on campus. Please take this survey! [ ] Atrium (full crack) [ ] Watching Ass-Netflix
[ ] Pub [ ] School work
Year: [ ] Leach Dining Room
What is the purpose of eating ass?
Major: Do you eat ass on Wednesdays? [ ] Eating ass
[ ] Yes [ ] Consuming ass
Gender [ ] No [ ] Swass (Swamp ass)
[]M [ ] Whoa there, partner [ ] Meeting new people
[]F
[ ] Other
Do you agree with the following statements?
Athlete
[ ] Yes I feel pressured to eat ass.
[ ] No (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)

Social Definer
I have difficulty controlling my eating of ass.
[ ] ass eater
[ ] non-ass eater (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)
[ ] wormperson
My friends and family know I eat ass.
On a scale of 1 to 5, how often do you eat (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)
ass? (1 being not often; 5 being very often)
Eating ass is the right thing to do.
1 2 3 4 5 (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)

On a scale of 1 to 5, how much ass do I eat ass because it is the right thing to do.
you eat? (1 being no ass; 5 being an abun- (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)
dance of ass)
When I go out on the weekends, it is to eat ass.
1 2 3 4 5 (Strongly Agree Agree Disagree Strongly Disagree)

4
OPINION
SENIOR WEEK SCHEDULE 2016
Saturday, May 14th
11:30 am-1:00 pm: Food at Peirce
3:00 pm- 6:30pm: Kick-off Senior Picnic
Start off Senior Week right by attending an outdoor picnic, outside, in
the outdoors, where picnics happen! Food will be placed on the ground
at 4pm--pick up whatever you can find! A Caricature Artist will enhance
your every flaw, the Water Balloon Toss will leave the unathletic dren-
ched and miserable, and you can even play Corn Hole! But not the corn
hole youre thinking of!
Location: Alumni Dining Room and Patio
5:30 pm- 11:00 pm: Columbus Crew Game
Game vs. Colorado Rhomboids. Pre-registration is required, limited to
100 little buddies.
Location: Bus full of sweaty sticky summer stench will depart from the
bookstore at 5:30 pm.
9:00 pm- 11:00 pm: Gund Gallery Feature Film
Location: Not Gund Gallery. Figure it out; youve been Educated now.
10:00 pm- 2:00 am: Old Kenyon Rave, believe it or not, fuc-
king hell
Bring rave kandi and PLUR *rawr*
Location: Old Kenyon Belltower: enter through the trash chute!
Sunday, May 15th
11:30 am-1:00 pm: Virgin sacrifice at Peirce
12:00 pm- 3:00 pm: Float the Kokosing! Youre old!
Spend the afternoon floating down the Kokosing River on a tube! Listen
to the creak of your rapidly aging bones! Shuttles will depart from the
bookstore! Admire the wrinkling backs of your hands! Are those liver
spots?
Location: BFEC
2:00 pm- 5:00 pm: Laser-Tag and Dodgeball
Challenge your friends to a game of laser tag or dodgeball on the indoor
track! Only ten living people will be permitted to leave. Lasers provided.
Bring your own body armor!
Location: KAC
5:00 pm - 7:00 pm: Dinner at the Rock Vapor Scissors Smoke
Shop
8:00 pm - 10:00 pm: Bonny-fire and Ghost Tour
Come sit around a campfire in front of Old Kenyon and roast Bonny, that
wack-hoe.
Guest appearance by El Chupacabra.
Ghost tour will depart at 9pm with Professor Karalanglis and his friendly
ghost pal, Kyle.
Location: In front of Old Kenyon
10:00 pm- 2:00 am: Luau
Come put on your lei, ignore that one kid Leslie who keeps talking about
cultural appropriation, and dance the night away!
Location: Alumni Dining Room, Lower Peirce
Monday, May 16th
11:30 am-1:00 pm: Long Pork at Peirce
12:30 pm - 1:30 pm: Historic Tour of Kenyon Beetle Tomb
with Tom Envelope
Location: Meet in front of the Church of the Holy Spirit, (Bring an um-
brella if its raining fire!)
the kenyon collegiate
THE COLLEGIATE, WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016
Local voices
1:00 pm - 3:00 pm: Petting Zoo
The whole class versus one bear! (His ears are ticklish! His claws are very
long and sharp!)
Location: Ransom Lawn, in the bear enclosure
3:00 pm- 5:00pm: Capture the Essence of Dying Youth as
Youre Jettisoned into the Cold, Unfeeling World of Adulthood
Location: Ransom Lawn, also everywhere
5:00 pm - 7:00 pm: Dinner in Piercing Loud Cave
8:00 pm - 10:00 pm: Casino Night
You took a big gamble when you chose to mess with me.
Location: Alumni Dining Room, Peirce Hall
Tuesday, May 17th
9:00 am- 6:00 pm: Trip to the Columbus Zoo
Spend the day with elephants, ride a camel, and draw furry fanart. Blood
donation to porpoise tank required.
Location: Sequence of uncomfortable camels departs from the Booksto-
re.
11:30 am-1:00 pm: Mandatory All Egg Brunch at Peirce
Come taste our erotic egg
2:30 pm- 4:30 pm Kenyon College Oily Man hunt ()
Run around campus trying to find the Oily Man.
Location: Where hides the most dangerous game ...
5:30 pm - 7:30 pm: Kiss David goodbye!
Goodbye, David! Goodbye!
7:30 pm- 8:30 pm: Welcome to the Black Parade Mixer
Receive an official welcome to the Kenyon Black Parade Network! Light
refreshments and drinks will be served. Your father will take you into the
city to see a marching band.
Location: The sweet release of death
10:00 pm - 2:00 am: Toegod Party
Location: Old Kenyon, DKE Lounge (All praise be to Toe God)
Toe God apparel will be provided for all present toes
Wednesday, May 18th
11:00 am - 1:00pm: Perish at the Lunch House (EEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!)
Location: The Perish House
3:00 pm - 5:00 pm: Dump your Girlfriend
You wont miss her for that long.
Location: In front of her parents (yikes)
7:00 - 9:00 pm: Class and Faculty Community Shower Hour
Theme: Cleanse yourself of the last four years
Location: Farr Hall bathroom that always smells like poop
Thursday, May 19th
10:00 am: Commencement Rehearsal with Senior Smang
Practice
Cap and goop pick up - EVERY senior must attend!
Location: Samuel Mather Lawn (Rain Site: The abandoned shack in the
woods emitting the strange humming sound)
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THE COLLEGIATE, WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2016
Opinion
POV: Being Sticky Isnt So Bad, Really
by SQUEEPS McQUEEPS
W
hen you ask people what their least favo-
rite feeling is, what do they say? Moist.
Okay, Im with you there. No one wants to
be moist. Greasy? Word. I getcha. Sticky? Hold your
gosh-dang horses, friendo, because Ive got some
news for you.
Okay, hear me out. Being sticky? Not so bad. Se-
riously. Dont even trip, dog.
Im a sticky boy. What can I say? People see me
walking down the street and they say Boy o boy,
theres Ol Sticky Squeeps squelching down the
road. Theyre right. I do squelch. Its true. Im a
squelcher.
When I give peeps the sticky wisdom, they often
ask me how sticky I actually I am. The truth is that
Im not that sticky. Theres no Spiderman shit going
down here, no sir.
Lemme walk you through a handshake. Oh dang,
its business time, lets get down to business gree-
tings. We go for it. Its good. Real good. You pull
away. Whats that you feel? Our skin is hesitant to
part ways, like two lovers once separated but now
reunited once again. I look at you. You look at me.
You pull a little harder.
Schlop.
Oh yeah.
So, sticky. But not really that sticky. Theres some
benefits to it.
You know when you have a plastic cup, and youre
kind of sweaty, and you open your hands and its still
in your palm, and you go, Whoa, dudes, check this
Sponsored: Summer Storage
Opportunity!
the kenyon collegiate
out. Now you can do it all the time. Imagine all
the ladies you can get with that.
Oh yeah. Another thing? Ladies. Dig. Sticky.
Dudes.
What do ladies love in a relationship? Com-
mitment.
Whats that? This passionate embrace has
been wonderful but its been five hours and you
want to go home? Too bad. Its commitment
time. Plus, I dont think I can. Remember,
youre here forever.
Speaking of forever, have you ever pet a dog?
Do you like dog? If so, good news.
Scenario: Youre walking down middle path
and you see a cute little pupper and his owner
coming down the street.
Can I pet your dog? you ask.
Sure, he says.
Jackpot.
5
LOCAL
Pictured: oh boy! A sticky, but not overly so, boy.
Pet that dawg. Two hands. Aww yeah. Its
havin a ball. He says its time to go. You tell him
that youre stuck.
Hes confused. He tries get your hands off of
his dog. He cant.
What are you, he asks.
You tell him youre just a sticky boy. Oooh-
wee. what a sticky boy you are. He runs. His dog
barks twice at his now distant owner and then
looks you in the eye. You can see his fear.
Hot diggity dog, my dude! You just got your-
self a new friend!
Some concluding points: dont try washing
your hands, it will never go away. The dog thing
will probably only work once. They can smell
predators. Same for the ladies. Do not ever try
to counteract stickiness with lube.
It will be angry. n
NO ESCAPE, from pg. 3
Morris Minkley, known fondly by students
as the housing ho, spoke to the Collegiate on
the condition of complete anonymity. We really
wanted to maintain the feel of the village, he sta-
ted. Specifically, the vibe created when you lock
almost 50 students in a beautiful white house
from which they will never emerge.
Villagers, who voiced their concerns about the
presence of more housing in town, have approved
the plan with gusto. We were concerned about
rambunctious students marring the quiet, tran-
quil, crushing silence which sustains us, said
Old Widow Martha Agnes Muriel Smith but I
dont think well have that issue anymore. She
then released a slow wheeze from underneath her
bonnet.
The houses are set to be built during
move-in for the 2017-2018 academic year, during
which construction will completely surround
and cover future residents. The administration
wishes to make clear that any screaming during
construction is excessively normal and not to
be investigated. n
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