Alexis Ahlzadeh

COMM. 2110

Relational Change Project

November 30, 2016

Introduction

This paper outlines the changes I have made in my personal

communication skills and how it has affected my life. My goal was be

more assertive with my emotions and needs in various relationships in

my life. I applied several strategies from the text, including face-to-

face communication, the use of nonverbal cues, building a habit, and

the development of an assertive communication style, rather than the

more responsive style Ive had for years. Over the course of this

project, I have realized the importance of self-confidence and honesty

in relationships, and Ive seen the positive (and negative) effects those

can have in communication. It is still difficult to tackle more

emotionally charged situations, but this process has forced me to grow

into a more emotionally honest individual, which lead me naturally into

an assertive communication style.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

I have a tendency to dance around my emotions, especially when

others feelings are involved. This often leads me to not getting what I

want, or my needs end up pushed to the side because I dont stand up

for myself. I often pretend like something is not a big deal when it

really is, or Im afraid to confront an important person or conversation

because I dont want to offend anyone or hurt any feelings. This

negatively affects my relationships and often results in my harboring of

resentments (rather than approaching the issue directly) or

ambiguities in a relationship because I was too afraid to discuss a

sensitive topic.

Here are two examples:

When my boyfriend met my father for the first time, it was

cringe-worthy. My father is very conservative, while my boyfriend

is more liberal and progressive and not afraid to talk about

anything. While the three of us were together, my boyfriend said

some things that offended my father and used language that

was not appropriate or, in my opinion, respectful to use in front

of my father. Afterwards, I was afraid to tell Alex (my boyfriend)

that I was unhappy with the way he acted, because I didnt want

to hurt his feelings or have him think I was stifling his personality.

It was a difficult subject, so I basically didnt say anything, and I

ended up harboring a little resentment against him for that day.

Another situation in which this pattern of communication proved

to be destructive occurred when I was living with a roommate,

Whitney, and she would have her boyfriend over all the time. I

was fine with him coming over, because I also had a boyfriend,
 but they were very loud when in her bedroom and I found it not

only obnoxious but very distracting. I had sort of designated

Sundays to my day of homework and catching up with family

over face-time, and I would sit at the kitchen table for hours. I

expected Sundays to be peaceful and quiet in our house, but one

day her boyfriend was over and I was video chatting with my

mother, and they were being extremely loud in her room. I had

to hang up from my mom because I didnt want her to hear, but I

couldnt even do my homework because it was so distracting.

Instead of saying something, I left my apartment to find shelter

in a coffee shop (where I could do my homework in peace) and

the problem continued because I didnt want to confront her.

Both of these situations could have been avoided or changed if I had

only confronted the other person about it. I had a problem with another

person, and I needed to confront the issue head-on so that it wouldnt

happen again, but I did nothing. My inaction led to further issues and

neither of these situations stopped, which caused me more pain in the

long run than it would have to engage in a critical conversation to stop

the problem.

Strategies

In my attempt to change this behavior pattern and use more direct

communication skills, I employed specific strategies that would help

me more clearly express myself.

Firstly, I decided that I would only use face-to-face communication to

approach important topics with people. In the past, I would often take

the easy way out, and have critical conversations over weaker

mediums like text message. By employing face-to-face conversation,

this allowed me to also use another strategy, body language, to

express my emotions. Not only does face-to-face communication help

me express myself through body language, but I can read the other

persons body language to better adapt my communication style to the

person and/or the conversation.

Secondly, I sought to make my direct approach into a habit by

practicing emotional honesty and assertiveness not only in important,

sensitive conversations, but in my every day interactions. Some things

as simple as speaking up to group members who have not put in effort

helps my long-term goal of turning this practice into a habit. I realize

that the more I practiced assertiveness in the small parts of my daily

life, the easier it is for me when I need to employ it in more important

circumstances.

All of these strategies culminate together to help me develop an

overall more assertive communication style, rather than the

responsiveness I had previously been using. I wanted to develop

assertiveness while still maintaining tact and remaining other-oriented,

which came naturally once I began practicing these strategies in my

interactions.

Constraints

I did experience constraints over the course of my progress, and

sometimes it felt like I took two steps forward and one step back. For

example, when I had to have a serious discussion with my roommate

about moving out, I had the conversation with her in person and I felt

like it went smoothly. Later, when we were apart, we started texting

and the conversation quickly got heated, more so than it was in

person. I realized people (myself included) have a tendency to say

things via electronic communication that they wouldnt ordinarily say

in person, and I experienced this firsthand. So even though I did have

the critical conversation I needed to have with my roommate, we still

engaged in some unnecessary bickering through electronic

communication, which would not have happened had we only been

communicating face-to-face.

Another constraint I ran into was when I really did hurt someones

feelings, since that is what I had been avoiding all along by not

speaking up. When I told my roommate I was moving out, she told me

that she felt hurt and I did feel bad about it. However, I did not want to
react out of pity and back down on my plans, even though it seemed

like the easy thing to do. I had to remain steadfast in my plans and

continue on despite her feelings. That, for me, was difficult, but I am

proud that I was able to overcome it.

Implementation

When I first sought out to change this behavior, I thought it would be

easier to practice with people who I didnt have a strong emotional

connection with. This means classmates, co-workers, and strangers.

However, as time went on, I realized I had a harder time standing up

for myself to random strangers than to people like my dad, who is my

family and I know will still love me even if I offend him. For example, a

guy whom I had just met at Synagogue found out I was dating

someone who isnt Jewish and he very rudely asked me about it. I was

very offended, but I found it difficult to conjure up a tactful response in

the immediate moment. I used body language to express my confusion

/ offense, but I did not verbally tell him what I wished I had later (like

thats none of your business).

On the other hand, when it came to difficult conversations with my

family and close relationships, I started to find it much easier to assert

myself. I realized that, especially with my family, I am very other-

oriented and concerned about their emotions, but they can handle

more than I think. There were times I was afraid that I would hurt or

offend my dad by speaking up, but once I did, we seemed to reach a

deeper level of understanding with one another. It seems so simple,

but I realized that honesty really is the best policy, and when you have

a relationship that is open and honest, it is much richer and more

loving than one where you abide by niceties and keep emotions to

yourself. I also really feel like my parents have come to respect me

more as an adult, rather than their child because Ive come to them

with my decisions that I want their support on, but not necessarily

asking for their permission. I really feel a new sense of respect from my

parents, and I, in turn, respect them for reciprocating well.

Most of my implementation came through issues with my roommate,

Whitney, who was doing drugs in our apartment and therefore

endangering my sobriety (and of course, hers). I take my sobriety very

seriously, and her relapse was a huge offense. Because addiction is

such an emotionally charged issue, and I have been through ups and

downs myself, its hard to be mad at someone for it, especially when

you know she is already beating herself up about it. I had to very

carefully craft the way I spoke to her and the things I said so that she

knew I was still her friend and I support her in her sobriety, but I just

couldnt live with her as a protective measure for myself.

There were some instances with people where I was almost forced to

speak up. For example, in a group project in my Math class where

nobody else in the group was contributing any effort, and I had to ask

them to help. If I had not spoken up, nobody else would have either
and I dont think our project would have ever gotten done. Plus, I didnt

want to turn the project in with their names on it, knowing that they

were getting points for something they did not even do. I could already

feel myself resenting every member of my group. But, instead of

silently cursing their names and handing in the paper with a grin on my

face, I politely yet assertively asked them to contribute something so

that everyone could earn their points. I made sure to not point fingers

or act like I was better than anyone, and I used inclusive words like

everyone and we and I actually elicited action. With a little

assertiveness, I got the exact result I wanted, and we all got good

grades.

Another time I was happy to speak up came during my sponsorship of

a young girl who is extremely introverted and quiet. Because Im

walking her through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, it requires

some serious self-disclosure, so its important that we know each other

and she feels comfortable to speak openly to me. Had I not been

unafraid to lead the conversation, we wouldve gotten very little done.

Also, I learned to really pick up on nonverbal cues with her, as they

were often more telling than her words (or lack thereof), and after a

while her nonverbal messages became much more open and trusting,

until eventually she began to actually speak more. I also initiated a lot

of conversation outside of the AA environment, like texting her to say

hello or inviting her to dinners with friends, and I think this has made a
big difference in her happiness and general life. Ive watched her open

up more and more every time we meet, and Im glad that I did not give

up after the first few meetings when I felt like she heard nothing I was

saying.

Results

By implementing the above strategies in my relationships, I began to

notice that my communication style really had evolved into

assertiveness. Confident responses to small, daily challenges come

naturally to me now, and I am less afraid to speak up in most

situations. Mostly in my relationships with teachers, classmates, and

friends, I have not hidden my true feelings in a while, since Ive been

practicing this emotional honesty. It is still hard depending on

circumstance and level of emotion, especially with family, but I think

the few times Ive been able to show my assertiveness with them has

proven to them that I am assertive and has slightly shifted the

dynamics of our relationship.

Another significant result is that Ive learned to really value honest

expression. I used to see disagreements as troublesome, especially in

a relationship, but now I welcome a disagreement because it means

that my partner is being honest with me and I know there is a way we

can solve it. Ive also realized how much happier I am with myself
when I tell people how I feel. I used to pretend like everything was ok

and nothing bothered me, but inside I carried a lot of negativity and

hurt, which is much more painful in the long run.

Recommendations

I will absolutely continue to implement these strategies in my daily life,

in situations both big and small, because I feel this has really helped

me develop as an individual. Overall, I think assertiveness is a skill that

must be practiced and honed, and Ive heard of many ways to help

develop that skill.

One particular strategy is called power poses. I think confidence has

a lot to do with our level of assertiveness and how comfortable we are

speaking up to others, and power poses have been proven to increase

confidence in children and adults alike. Its a simple exercise that can

be done anywhere, at any time of the day, and only takes a few

minutes.

I found the most difficult part of this was, for me, not having important

conversations via electronic communication (mainly text message).

Even if I had an important conversation face-to-face, its very easy to

let that conversation spill over into subsequent texts for the next few

days, which doesnt really give either participant closure. I am

challenging myself to use face-to-face communication as much as

possible, especially with critical conversations, and if I cant meet with

someone face-to-face, at least call them on the phone to hear their

voice. I have seen the power of body language and tone of voice, and I

think its a very important part of communication that often gets

overlooked when exchange text messages.

Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2008). Interpersonal Communication:

Relating to Others. 6th Ed. Boston: Pearson Education/Allyn &

Bacon.