Reading Group Guide for

the rules do not apply

by Ariel Levy

I wanted what we all want: EVERYTHING. We want a mate

who feels like family and a lover who is exotic, surprising.
We want to be youthful adventurers and middle-aged mothers.
We want intimacy and autonomy, safety and stimulation, reassurance
and novelty, coziness and thrills. BUT WE CANT HAVE IT ALL.

Introduction
As a young woman, Levy decided that to be a writer would be like being a professional explorer; shed
be free to do and travel anywhere she chose. When, as a 38-year-old working journalist, she left for a
reporting trip to Mongolia she thought she had figured out her life: she was married, pregnant, financially
secure and successful on her own terms. A month later, none of that was true.

Questions and Topics for Discussion

1) Daring to think that the rules do not apply is the mark of a visionary, Ariel believes. Its also a
symptom of narcissism. Do you agree with her? What are some examples youve witnessed of
societal or personal progress enabled by someone ignoring or rewriting rules? How does this pertain
to Ariel and her friends and family? And when in this bookand in your own experiencehas this
kind of thinking rather been an enactment of selfishness or narcissism?

2) Can you relate to Ariels experience of having a competent self who runs the show? Why has she
developed this alternate persona? What function does it serve? When has she depended on less
than competent authority figures for protection or guidance?

3) Why is Ariel so fascinated by Caster Semenya? Why is this trip so important to her? Are there similar
turning points you recognize in your own life when youve proved yourself capable of things you
werent convinced you could do? Or when, in retrospect, youve made the first of many real mistakes
that would stack up on top of each other until they blocked out the sun? Are there particular life
choices youve made that you wish you could undo?

4) What does Ariel mean when she warns that the danger that we invite into our lives can come in the
most unthreatening shape, the most pedestrian? Does this resonate with you? When in your life has
danger entered your world in this way?

JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

Tag your posts #TheRulesDoNotApply to join the online book discussion,
and follow author Ariel Levy on Twitter for news, events, and more: @avlskies
THE RULES DO NOT APPLY Ariel Levy A Random House Hardcover On Sale 3/14/17
 Reading Group Guide for

the rules do not apply

by Ariel Levy

Questions and Topics for Discussion cont.

5) What do you make of Ariels family arrangement? What mistakes did her
parents make? And, alternately, in what ways were they successfulhow did
they make her feel loved and valued? What did they do to facilitate her
success as a writer?

6) What is so alluring to Ariel about Lucy? Why does she believe that with this person I could be
normal, content, blessed? Why is Boyscout Lady such an apt nickname for her?

7) Both Lucys mother and Ariels are distressed by their daughters weddingupset that it means their
own values are being rejected. How would you describe each of their value systems? Which one is
closest to your own? What do you make of Ariels mothers insistence that You never want to be
dependent on a man? Is this good advice? What are the advantages and dangers of this motto?

8) What does Ariel mean when she says that Women of my generation were given the lavish gift of our
own agency by feminism? How do we see that playing out in the choices she makes? And in the
choices youor your mother or your daughterhave made?

9) Is it significant that Ariel has an affair at exactly the moment when her friends start having children?
Why does she do this? What is she trying to prove or accomplish or avoid? How might her life have
been different if she had not done this?

10) How do you feel about Ariels decision to go to Mongolia when shes pregnant? If a doctor tells me
theres nothing wrong with doing something, then I consider the matter settled, she writes. Do you?
Later, she feels that she boarded a plane out of vanity and selfishness. Is this true? Why or why not?

11) If grief is another world, as Ariel writes repeatedly, what are its distinguishing characteristics? How
does grief change her? How has it changed you or your loved ones? What does it take from her and
what does it give her?

12) What does Ariel learn from Al-Anon? Are there lessons she learns there that are meaningful to you
whether you have an addict in your life or not?

13) Why is Dr. John so important to Ariel? What role does he play in her recovery? They are from very
different cultureswhat do they have in common? What do you think will happen between them
when she goes to South Africa? Which of her three fantasies sounds the most plausible to you?

14) What does Ariel learn from her experience? What did you learn from it? How does it change her?

JOIN THE CONVERSATION!

Tag your posts #TheRulesDoNotApply to join the online book discussion,
and follow author Ariel Levy on Twitter for news, events, and more: @avlskies
THE RULES DO NOT APPLY Ariel Levy A Random House Hardcover On Sale 3/14/17