MAN OF GOD

A Play by Steven Harding

MAN OF GOD: A man, in his late 50s. Not fashionably dressed.

DUDE 1: 20 years old. Wears a sweatshirt from the university the
young characters attend.
DUDE 2: 21 years old. Wears a baseball hat and sunglasses.
YOUNG WOMAN: 21 years old. Wears a white top. Has visible gold
jewelry.
STEVE: 22 years old. Wears a sweater.
DUDE 3: Another dude.
The MAN OF GOD is stationed center-left stage. He has several
provocative signs positioned around him.
Four students, DUDE 1, DUDE 2, YOUNG WOMAN, and STEVE are
gathered on stage right, facing the MAN OF GOD.
MAN OF GOD: Beware the hellfire! Repent for your sins! God will
show no mercy to transgressors!
DUDE 1: Go home, loser.
MAN OF GOD: God hates fags! And queers! And trannies!
DUDE 2: You suck. When was the last time you got laid?
DUDE 1: Ill bet hes never got laid. Look at him.
YOUNG WOMAN: Nice shoes, daddy.
MAN OF GOD: Satan has a special spot in Hell for whores, too.
YOUNG WOMAN: Fuck you, asshole. Youre gonna die alone and go
nowhere.
MAN OF GOD: God has room in heaven for all true believers! All
others will be cast out in the dark!
STEVE walks up to MAN OF GOD and hugs him.
MAN OF GOD: Get the hell off me! What do you think youre doing?!
STEVE doesnt let go
MAN OF GOD: Why are you doing this? This is assault! Help me, Im
being assaulted!
DUDE 2: Hes hugging you, pussy.
YOUNG WOMAN: Why are you hugging that dickhead?
MAN OF GOD: Someone call the police!
AN OFFICER: Offstage, directing traffic, yells: Fuck yourself.
MAN OF GOD: HELP ME! HE WONT LET GO!
DUDE 1: Its pretty funny seeing you squirm, old man.
DUDE 2: He probably fuckin likes it, lol. Not l.o.l., he says
lohl
YOUNG WOMAN: Im glad youre finally experiencing your true
sexuality for the first time, dickhead.
DUDE 1: You feelin anything from him down there, dude? He
packin any heat for ya?
DUDE 2: Damn dude, what if hes too old to get boners?
DUDE 1: Yo, thats too much, bro. I dont even wanna think about
that shit.
YOUNG WOMAN: That would explain why hes so pissy. Is that the
problem, daddy? Cant you stand at attention?
MAN OF GOD: Shut up, you stupid, dumb kids! Shut up and get this
lunatic off me!
DUDE 2: Nah, brah.
YOUNG WOMAN: Hell let go soon, quit whining.
DUDE 1: Yeah man, you can let go soon, I think hes learned his
lesson.
MAN OF GOD: Learned my lesson? Exactly what lesson do you think I
need to learn?
DUDE 1: Ideekay, dog. Like practicing what you preach or
something.
YOUNG WOMAN: Yeah, youre always out here talking about god, but
like, with a big fucking frown on your face. Isnt God supposed
to be Love or something?
MAN OF GOD: God IS love! Love for those who love him back! Love
for those who are WITH God.
DUDE 2: Who decides whos with God? I never met God. I dont know
what he wants. I dont trust anybody that says they know what God
wants.
DUDE 1: Truth.
YOUNG WOMAN: The only arguments you have are in that book, man.
And that shits not peer-reviewed.
MAN OF GOD: Of course all you care about is peer-reviewing. What
with your facebook, and the yelp app and all that utter
horsehockey. Not all things can be found by accepting what other
people say is so! You have to find God within yourself!
DUDE 2: Dude, youre preaching the most angriest version of God
ever. So if were supposed to find God within ourselves like you
said, what does your God say about you?
YOUNG WOMAN: Yours is a God that withholds Love from those that
displease Him.
MAN OF GOD: So what?! God is perfect, why shouldnt He demand
perfection from His children.
DUDE 2: I dunno man, I always figured perfect Love was like,
unconditional. And if Gods supposed to be totally perfect or
whatever, then the Love He has for us must be perfect, too.
DUDE 1: Facts, man. They low-five
YOUNG WOMAN: Except theyre not facts. There probably isnt a
God.
MAN OF GOD: You say probably because deep down you really know
Hes there. Hes there inside you, listening to every echo inside
your head. Every image that flashes in front of your minds eye.
He sees it all. And He remembers.
YOUNG WOMAN: So He can do what? Judge me? Hes gonna set me loose
down here with no plan and then when its over Hes gonna look at
me and say, Oh, by the way, these were the rules? Thats some
bullshit right there. And I dont believe it.
DUDE 1: Well, you know, I think there are some rules that we can
all agree are kind of there. Like murder.
DUDE 2: Yeah murders a pretty good rule. And like stealing. You
shouldnt steal.
MAN OF GOD: Those are the obvious rules! Its the obscure ones
that get you at the end of the day! Like avarice.
YOUNG WOMAN: Avarice? Okay Dante.
MAN OF GOD: Tell me, what are you studying here? It wouldnt
happen to be business, would it?
YOUNG WOMAN: Close. Chemical engineering.
MAN OF GOD: Of course! Modern-day alchemy. Turning base elements
into unnatural, unholy conglomerations. For profit. Avarice may
just steal your soul yet.
DUDE 1: I feel like everything is a sin to you, dude. Everything
except like eating, sleeping, and telling other people that
theyre sinning. And drinking, and like driving and stuff. But
everything else I feel like is a sin to you.
DUDE 2: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. Youre the lady
in this situation. I think the reason youre always saying
everyone else is sinning is because deep down you think YOURE
sinning.
DUDE 1: Yo that might be it, dude! Did you ever do anything
actually bad like murder or stealing or anything like that?
YOUNG WOMAN: Its not like hes just gonna tell us he killed
somebody.
DUDE 2: I dunno, indicating STEVE I figure hes not going
anywhere. Maybe we can interrogate him a bit.
MAN OF GOD: I never murdered anyone for Gods sake! The worst
thing Ive ever done is I dont tip very well.
DUDE 1: YO, thats really not cool dude.
DUDE 2: If anythings gonna put you in Hell its that shit, man.
YOUNG WOMAN: Thats how some people survive, dickhead.
MAN OF GOD: I know, I know, If I can afford the meal I can
afford the tip. But whenever it comes time to pay I always think
up a reason not to give a good tip.
YOUNG WOMAN: You really are a man of your God. What with the
whole withholding fetish.
MAN OF GOD: Fetish is a dirty word. But I think I understand what
you mean. You know, my father never told me he loved me. Even as
he was dying. He kept from me the one bit of information. Maybe
because there was nothing to tell. Maybe there is no God.
He hugs Steve back for the first time and puts his face in
Steves shoulder. The others inch toward the two.
DUDE 1: But like maybe there is.
DUDE 2: Or maybe there is, but its just not like even something
we can understand.
YOUNG WOMAN. Or maybe theres not. I think thats okay too.
The others start hugging the two. They are now a group hug. A
group of students walks by:
DUDE 3: What the fuck are those weirdos doing, right?