CLOUDED MEMORIES

(AUGUST 2016 JANUARY 2017)

Adam Vrna
 Prologue

I started gathering Clouded Memories

exactly one day before marrying my
wife Andrea.

They suppose to immortalize my most

important thoughts from different life
periods edited and adapted to readers
maximum comfort and
understanding.

Clouded Memories dont represent

any kind of recipe on how to live your
life or even think.

All the texts are only meant as an offer

of different life perspectives given
away for free to those who are
voluntarily interested in reading and
thinking.

Some thoughts might make you think

Im insane. To be honest Im totally
fine with that.
My goal doesnt lie in impressing
anyone. Or trying to fit myself into the
position of some kind of an opinion
guru.

My only effort is to express myself

freely, show that effort publicly and
allow to form your own opinions on
the topics I write about.

Nothing more or even less.

Pleasant reading!

Adam
 Irrationality

Different worlds

Just you

Path of your own

Until

To fit or not to fit

Solitude
 On purpose of being right

A little piece of truth

The heart attack of soul

An importance of stumbling and

falling

Death

Truth being untrue

Cabbage seasoning
 Irrationality

Last year I turned 24.

Shortly after my birthday I realized it
was 8 years since I started writing.

Over this period I was trying to do one

thingkeep on writing and keep on
getting better no matter what.

Did I manage to get better? Honestly I

have no idea.

This effort however brought some

changes to my life.

For example I realized having a job is

not a good option for me.
I also found out taking SAT with a
distinction is no advantage out there in
the real world.

My first girlfriend and I broke up as

well. But it doesnt bother me.

Because writing helped me realize that

if one chapter is over the other one is
about to begin.

The new chapter for me was meeting

another girl and marrying her.

Yes, even now I still cant believe it: Im

24, having no stable job, being
university dropout and married.

This sounds crazy, right?

Sometimes Ive got to admit my
decisions about things that matter are
crazy.

But theres another thing which I

discovered thanks to writing. I learned
leaving behind certainties might be
irrational but its often a start of
something new as well.

Look, Im not rich or famous. I have to

work 7 days a week for a lousy and
quite uncertain paycheck in order to
survive.

Does it sound crazy to you? Maybe it

does.

But see the advantages: I can work

anytime I want from any place I want.
Right now Im sitting at the desk in one
of the cheapest guesthouses in
Bangkok. Its nice and warm evening
here, while back in my hometown
theres foggy and snowy afternoon.

Does this still sound crazy to you?

Maybe it does.

Well, forget it. Im not gonna convince

you anyway.

All I want to say is playing it safe and

rational all the time might have flaws.
But it definitely might have some
advantages at the same time.

While playing it risky? From what Ive

learned acting irrational is nothing but
all the same.
So why not trying it?

Different worlds

As I mentioned before writing has been

my thing for quite a long time in my
life.

But let me just explain more deeply

how hard it might be just to simply sit
your arse down and write something at
least a little bit meaningful.

If you do love writing, you feel a really

strong bond with letters, words and
books.

Whenever you see a blank page its like

looking at the oceans horizon.
You feel free. There are maybe
hundreds or even thousands ideas of
how to start.

And thats when the trouble begins.

You have no clue which idea should you
pick up.

Because whenever you try to express

they often seem so pathetic on that
blank page.

So you sit there, days go by and all

youre trying to do is to figure out how
to start.

In the meantime another issue appears.

Youre trying to figure out how to
survive and provide yourself at least
some necessary minimum.
Can you even imagine? Youre sitting
there, straddled between the real
world and the world of your own trying
to gain balance.

From my personal experience you cant

take that for very long no matter how
hard you try. The funny thing is the
harder you try the more you feel
desperate and the more likely youll
fail.

But you know what? I found out its ok.

Its ok to fail and learn. Who does that

nowadays?

Its ok to pack your pride and move

from the world of your own to the
real world for a while.
What Im trying to achieve all those
years is balance, peace and gratitude
for what I have instead of worrying
about what I dont have.

You may wonder whether it makes any

sense. Well, thats up to you.

You may wonder whether a different

approach could be more effective for
me. Let me tell you it sure can. But I
really dont believe in any different
approach presented by any guru or
even mentor at the moment.

You may also wonder whether

surrendering and living an ordinary life
is a better or maybe more comfortable
option. Let me tell you it might be.

The thing is I dont wanna live neither

ordinary nor comfortable life.
 Just you
For once in a while Im tired of life. I
mean my work life.

Dont get me wrong. I love what I do.

The thing is sitting by computer and

trying to grasp some money can be
tedious.

Because unlike other people with

ordinary jobs you have no guarantee of
anything. No fixed income, no vacation,
no sick days, no anything.

Despite all of this I wouldnt change a

thing about my work life.

Why?
Years ago I saw a quote on Facebook
saying something like this:

Greatest sucess in life means living by

your own terms.

This quote was like a bug which got

underneath my skin and started to
reproduce there.

I had no clue how to start. Quite

honestly I still dont know whether Im
on a good trail or not.

But it doesnt matter.

What matters is I finally got a

reasonable and satisfactory perspective
of how to define success. Lets say it
again: Greatest sucess in life means
living by your own terms.
Injected by this sudden inspiration I
just couldnt find myself a reason why
to stay in any job.

Everytime I tried it wasnt more than a

few months. After these few months I
always started questioning myself: Is
this really it? Is this what Im supposed
to do until my retirement?

Lets be honest in this oneI dont

even hope Ill live to see my retirement.
And if I do, I guess Ill be eighty or even
ninety.

But this doesnt matter either. Ive got

no plans to retire anyway.

The only thing I plan is to keep doing

what I do. Keep determining my own
rules.
Because when you do this there is no
alarm clock waking you up every
morning.

Its just you.

There is no well dressed manager

looking at you in distaste because today
you decided to wear your bathrobe all
day.

Its just you.

And there is nobody else responsible

both for your failure and success.

Its always just you.

 Path of Your Own

I always thought writing is a matter of a

sudden inspiration. I was hoping itll
come out of the blue while Im sitting
on a couch eating gummy bears and
doing nothing. But it was nowhere to
be seen.

Then I tried a different approach;

simply force myself to sit down every
day and just simply write.

I thought a miracle will somehow

appear and turn the ton of words into a
meaningful piece of work.

Guess what: that didnt happen.

Sure, there are few lines which could be

fairly good. But most of them are
bullshit created by artificial and
ineffective pressure.

I felt hopeless. I was about to quit.

And then when I least expected it a

simple idea hit me.

What if writing is all about

combination of having a drill and
being inspired at the same time?

What if all you have to do is to live and

enjoy the things you like and write but
dont push it?

You cant write simply because you set

it as a goal. You cant do anything like
that in a long term and feeling joy at
the same time.
Because as a specific result can be a
very good motivation from my personal
experience it cannot serve as a source
of long term happiness.

So what can we do about it?

I could have some advice. If I wanted to

I would provide a formula on how to
solve this struggle every single writer is
facing.

But I wont tell you. I dont believe in

using universal patterns. When I think
about it, I actually dont know anything
about writing compared to the people I
admirethe real writers.

Youve gotta figure out on your own.

Experiment. Find your own path.
For example buy a notepad and see if it
works for you.

As for me it doesnt. Although almost

any writer Ive met thinks you cant
write anything meaningful without a
notepad.

Until

The good life isnt out there for

everybody. Unfortunately we all simply
cannot have a good health, wealth, love
and happiness.

At least until we build our reasoning on

a pure rationality and our actions are
coming purely from the will of our ego.

Until we keep thinking in black &

white, we will be judged black & white.
Until we use the words good or bad
to describe things that are much more
than good or bad we will never
learn the true nature of certain things.

And thats exactly how everybody else

will approach ourselves and the things
we create.

The world will keep on dividing on

good and bad people, on poor and rich
people or even black & white people

Until we express our opinions without

a little bit of consideration, we wont be
treated considerately.

Until we think we can control

everything in our life, well be
controlled by our pride and although
we achieve our goals, we might never
feel free.
Until we believe cancer is caused by
particular aspects rather than a matter
of losing our physical and mental
balance, well keep on denying
ourselves things we like and live in a
permanent fear.

And in the end, we really might get sick

and die on cancer because of that
permanent fear.

Until we remain selfish and egocentric,

nobody will ever help us out there on
the street when we get in trouble.

Because when we are selfish and

egocentric, we have quite possibly
never helped anybody on the street who
got in trouble.

Until we think life is all about us, we

might never be happy
 To fit or not to fit

Have you ever been told youre far too

much of an individuality?

Ive heard this for a few times.

Sometimes it made me thing what does

the word much actually mean and
who set the borders.

Sometimes I just laugh knowing there

is no point in trying to understand,
argue or talking back.

But to be honest this applies only to

people I dont care of very much.

On the other hand people I care about

most (parents / wife) often drive me
mad with this.
You knowall I try to give is an
unconditioned love. Accept people as
they are and leave them have their own
opinions, values and do what they
consider best.

Mostly what I got back in the past was

lecturing of how I should be instead of
leaving me who I am.

I often felt upset about it and definitely

didnt like that idea at all. I dont think
its ok to disrupt anyones nature no
matter what anybody thinks is best for
you.

Still; how many times are we blamed

for not fitting into anyones images?

If you think about it were actually

being pushed all our life.
When youre at school instead of
learning how to care for each other
were being taught how to beat
everybody else in the classroom and
win the best mark.

When youre at school instead of

learning how to debate youre forced to
remain silent.

Because whenever you express your

opinions there usually comes the brute
force first. The teacher uses his most
precious weapons: authority, life
experience and threats.

Similar model applies to our career, life

and relationships in general. Were
always expected to submit and
constantly being pushed into some
direction.
Unfortunately many of us just lose to
this pressure. Because while growing
up we learn resisting any duty or
expectation often means trouble.

Its not comfortable to resistthats for

sure. But its necesarry.

From my observation if we stay who we

are and all we get is trouble, were
simply surrounded by wrong people.

If we resist, do our own thing, act

according to our nature and get at least
a little comprehension and support,
then were surrounded by the right
people.

So maybe all we have to do is choose

whether we want to be surrounded by
good or wrong people.
Decide whether we want to feel good
for living according to our values or
feeling bad for not fitting into anyones
images.

This (to me at least) seems to be the

whole rocket science called
relationships which has a lot to do with
quite everything else in life.

Solitude

It doesnt sound like a compliment but

being constantly surrounded by people
often feels like having too much
furniture in your living room.

The key issue with people is you cant

simply throw them away like a couch,
wardrobe or chair.
Were forced to be amongst other
peopleeven if we dont want to. At
least most people have to work with
other people in an open office, stock or
kitchen.

Were used to be amongst other people,

believing solitude is a disease and
people seeking for a tiny bit of solitude
are either very sad or very mean.

What were not taught is a lack of

solitude might be quite possibly the key
reason of feeling constantly under
pressure.

Try reversing this. After all there is

nothing revolutionary about fact when
youre all alone, your creativity is at its
top.
But solitude might have other benefits
as well.

Self-loathing or jealousy doesnt show

up that often when youre alone.

Because when youre alone, you dont

tend to compare yourself to other
people that much.

So yeahseeking for solitude doesnt

have to be a demonstration of your
conceit.

It might be a simple need of your soul

for a self-treatment.

An important step of taking

responsibility for yourself instead of
hoping other people will fix your inner
issues.
 On purpose of being right
One scientist does a research and gets
an outcome. He presents this outcome
to people, convinced it speaks clearly
for itself and that he is right.

Another scientist does the same thing,

gets quite a similar outcome but it
differs in little nuances. He attacks the
first scientist telling he was not right
and he is now convinced the truth is on
his side.

But wheres actually the truth?

Well, the answer looks quite simple yet

for someone it might be dull .

Theyre both right.

Its very similar to having an argument
like this but on a much more emotional
level.

For example me and my wife: when we

talk about stuff, shes convinced by her
opinions and conlucisons and Im
convinced by my.

Although we know neither of us is

right, we dont realize it at that
particular moment.

To complicate this a little bit further, I

have another question: What does it
mean to be right?

Does it mean having the greatest

ammount of followers approving your
arguments?
Does it mean nobody resists you?

Does it mean youre a macho man and

have the last word in any conversation
with your woman?

To wrap it up: from my point of view

you cannot be right. And I cannot be
right either.

Even these thoughts are not right in a

certain way. Nobody and nothing can
be right.

So whats the purpose in trying to be

right all the time?

How about leave this effort for a while

and instead of being right simply try
to just be?
 A little piece of truth

When youre in relationship, arguing

helps clearing an atmosphere full of
reproaches and fixing your ego.

To hell with all the offensive names and

swearwords we are called.

There is always a little piece of truth in

them no matter how badly you think
they hurt you.

Its a good thing having a proper look in

the mirror now and then and face that
little piece of truth. Observe it and
think about how you like it.

Because if you wont do that in time a

big issue may come out of that.
Its like planting a seed. If you care
enough a wonderful plant can come out
of that.

If you dont care the plant will die.

And when it does its usually to late to

do anything about that.

When this happens not even arguing

can help clearing an atmosphere full of
reproaches and fixing your ego.

When this happens, almost nothing

(except for unconditioned love) can
save your relationship from doom.
 The heart attack of soul

If youre not by accident Donald

Trump, Tai Lopez or Paris Hilton
youre most likely poor like a church
mouse.

Believing youre rich just because you

have money in your bank account is a
fools game.

Yeahone day you have all the luxury

you can possibly imagine. But the game
of money can be cruel. So cruel in fact
that the other day you may very well
end up sleeping on your mums couch.

Just have a look to the story of Donald

Trump or Tai Lopez. Most of us have
no guts doing what these guys had to
do when they were broke.
Yet most of us want to be rich. Most of
us tend to constantly compare
themselves to rich people and create
an illusion in their minds of how bad
they do.

The question is why?

Do we really lack anything material? I

dont think so. There is no lack of food,
technology no lack of anything.

So is that really just a greed? A pressing

urge of desiring more and more for
ourselves?

Here what I observed: the more money

we have, the more we devaluate them
by purchasing thing with no value.
With things we dont really need at all.
It can be the new clothes you buy or the
cofee with a friend you need to have at
least four times a week.

Dont get me wrong. I have nothing

against making yourself a pleasure
from time to time. But what I dont
really get is certain people constantly
complain about their lack of money
although they do very well in terms of
finance.

What seems even more interesting then

devaluating itself is the more money we
devaluate, the poorer we feel and the
more money we want to earn and
devaluate afterwards. Strange
circulation, isnt it?

Sometimes it seems were so much in

the rush for money were risking
something called a heart attack of
soul.
The symptoms are usually different:
sometimes its more or less matter of
psychology while sometimes there
might be some physical issues.

This disease in the end however causes

huge inner disbalance and results in
unhapinees both material and spiritual.

You may wonder what kind of

nonsence do I talk here.

Well, I didnt made this up.

Not even found in a book or something.

These conclusions come from

discussions with my almost 80 years
old grandpa whothanks to his age,
experience and open mindsimply
knows some stuff about life.
So before setting up your priorities
better think twice and ask yourself
whether being in a constant rat race for
money is really the thing you desire
most in life.

If the answer is nowell, then good for

you. All you have to do now is to search
your feelings and figure out whats your
purpose here on planet Earth.

Better get reconciled with fact youll

stay poor.

But even if you do, theres quite a big

chance of being shielded against the
heart attack of soul.

A disease which could beacording to

the meanings of my grandpamuch
more harmful than an ordinary heart
attack.
An importance of stumbling and
falling
If we stop everything for a week or
two

All production, business and going to

work.

If we just stop and talk to each other for

a while

What do you think would be the result?

Do you think we would discuss how we

care about the economic growth and
stability?

Do you think we would discuss the

welfare of our company or politics?
Do you think we would miss our jobs?

Maybe we would find out everything

doesnt have to be that rational.

Maybe we would stop looking for the

answers all the time and finally accept
the fact we dont need to know
everything.

Maybe we would find out how to start

and keep a relationship. How to be a
good friend, husband or father.

All we do until now is we are trying to

figure out these things purely by logic
instead of using our feelings while
even more illogicalychasing things
we consider important.
We chase these things so hard
stumbling and falling down is in many
cases the most probable scenario
although at the same time its the
scenario we fear the most.

When we fall to our knees we feel

defeated and ashamed.

But why?

You might be on your knees for a while.

You can use it for your benefit.

Because when youre down, you might

find a different path to follow by
starting over. A different approach. A
solution for your trouble nobody else
would even think of.
You can find all of this just because you
managed to do what most people is
uncapable off admit their defeat, stop
for a while and have a proper look
around.

Know this: whenever youll find a

solution nobody else can see, youll
most likely stand alone.

At first it might be hard to be like this.

But in time you might find this
experience to be adventurous and
enlightening at the same time.

As it hurts to be alone sometimes,

sooner or later you may find out how
being alone, admitting your defeat and
finding unique solutions for your
trouble helped you overcoming most
serious issues of yours.
And maybeif you let iteven getting
closer to the life you always wanted to
live.

Death

Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice

for those around you who transform into
the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss
them do not. Attachment leads to
jealously. The shadow of greed, that is.

-Grand Master Yoda

********

Of course I felt sad whenever somebody

close to me died. However I never
approached death of anybody as strictly
tragic.

Like Yoda saiddeath is a part of life,

right? One of the few certainties we all
have no matter how rich, poor, healthy or
unhealthy we are.

Each day were all getting closer to the

Rainbow bridge and we can do nothing
about it.

Nothing except for one think: simply

enjoy the time we have left.

Do you know Anita Moorjani? Shes an

author of the book Dying to be me.

One part of this book explains how calm

and peacefuly Anita felt in her NDE (Near
Death Experience) state although her
body was crammed with lemon-sized
tumours.

She explains how beatiful the relativity of

time and place can be when youre about
to die.
While experiencing NDE she managed to
feel the presence of her beloved onen who
were already dead. Especially her father.

Anita told him how tired she was due to

all pain and suffering shes been through.

All her dad (or his essence) told her was

the choice whether to stay alive or die is
all her.

After this experience Anita made it out of

her coma. And most importantlyafter a
few weeks no tumour was found in her
body at all.

Doctors and scientists couldnt believe it.

They were searching for a cause of her
sudden recovery.

But they couldnt find one as they were

unable to accept the fact this miracle
was much higher above what we can
understand by our logic.
Its strange, isnt it?

We are often so paralyzed by the fear of

death. Thats the part I can quite
understand as our brains often need to
experience certain thinks in order to
consider them harmless.

What I dont get is why we mourn so

much.

Why do we express only our condolence

when somebody dies?

Why does an atmosphere on funerals

feels like a big tragedy just took place?

According to people whove been through

NDE we know our beloved ones become
free and painless when they die.

From the same people we know its even

possible to meet our beloved ones again.
Or at least strongly feel their pressence.
Its ok to feel sad when anybody close to
you dies. Were all people with feelings.

But I guess its ok to feel relief as well.

Because death of your beloved ones
doesnt have to mean youre gonna stay
all alone in this world.

If you decide to, you might be able

keeping your connections to people you
love. And it really doesnt matter whether
theyre in this world or passed the
Rainbow bridge already.

Just remember what the essence of

Anitas father said: The choice is all
yours my dear...

Truth being untrue

Every truth spoken or written is untrue

at the same time. Even this sentence.
So why bother reading? Or speaking?
Why bother believing? Weve gotta
belive something. Theres gotta be truth
somewhere.

Well, let me explain. There are several

perspectives on this. Ill pick the easiest
one.

All we do is we often confuse experince

with truth.

Anytime we speak or write our

strongpoint is our experience.
Therefore we tend to generalize and
thats where the truth manipulation
begins.

Right now Im in Thailand. And when I

came here I was told many times how
rude it is to hold my wifes hand in
public.
How rude it is to even take cash out of
your purse in public, demonstrating
how rich you are (not my case, haha).

How rude it is to touch peoples heads.

Its all bullshit.

Everyday I see Thai couples holding

their hands.

I see people taking cash out of their

purse quite often when purchasing my
food or another stuff.

And there were definitely a few cases I

saw them touch each others heads.

Its all bulshit. And true at the same

time.
Look: there is always a risk of outraging
somebody. And the reason for that
doesnt have to do anything with hands
or money.

You can outrage people simply by using

wrong tone of voice, gesture you
name it.

So basically there is only one thing you

can do about itrealize the relativity of
truth and then choose your own
attitude and follow it.

You can believe all the truth in the

world and dig yourself into fear of
outraging somebody.

You can also ignore any attitude and

customs and do whatever you want, but
be ready to take responsibility when
things go wrong.
Its also possible to observe other
people and decide to follow a
reasonable compromise to express
freely while not outraging somebody.

You can do anything. And nothing at

the same time.

Because all we talk about and every

truth we seek is true and untrue at the
same time.

Yepeven all these words.

Cabbage seasoning

Recently I had a curious dream

featuring me and Darth Vader cooking
together.

It all started at a math lesson at school.

The teacher was taunting someone at
the blackboard.

I didnt like that so I raised my voice

asking what the hell is she doing.

There was a sudden silence. Then the

teacher shouted out loud: You just got
yourself a rebuke for being cheeky, Mr.
Vrna!

CUT

I was having a conversation with my

P.E. teacher after the math incident.

He told me its possible to do

something about the rebuke I got but in
exchange of erasing it Ive gotta help
him doing something very risky.
CUT

We got on a very old rusty car and hit

the road towards Albania.

It was already a nightfall when we got

to the borders. They were guarded by
some Albanians with machine guns.

I rebember my thoughts were like: Its

gonna be a miracle if we survive this!

CUT

Somehow we made it through but the

men with machine guns were almost
everywhere.

A pack of those men were stopped by

police for an inspection. They were all
smiling with a huge grins showing off
their golden teeth.

Somehow they managed to hide their

guns in their sleeves.

CUT

Suddenly I appered in a caf.

Or was it an old bunker?

I was sitting in a chair drinking

schnaps.

And then the walls started to shake.

There was a kitchen to my right. Darth
Vader himself appeared in his black
suit wearing a kitchen apron.

For a second he looked around and

then he asked: Hey, would you mind
helping me season the cabbage?

I replied something like: Sure, lets do

it! and moved, a little affraid, towards
the kitchen.

The cabbage was placed in a huge pan.

I put some salt, pepper, poured a little
water in and started to stir.

Everything seemed fine.

Suddenly a splash of lightning

appeared. It closely missed my leg and
dug out a huge crater to the floor.
I didnt turn around.

All I heard was a whizzing sound of an

ignited lightsaber and a very upset
robotic scream:

ADD MORE GARLIC!