MARCH 2017 FREE

THIS MONTHS WEATHER FIND US AT

IN EVERY ISSUE
COSTAMBAR
What To Do This Month
Jennys Market
Definitely Not The News El Carey Bar & Restaurant
The Rainy Day Page Pedros Bar & Restaurant
Useful Telephone Numbers La Otra
Classified Ads Loase/Sams Bar
And Lots More Fun Stuff! PUERTO PLATA
Big Lees Beach Bar
BE SURE TO CHECK OUT!
Tropical Bar
Page 5 - Kids say the damndest things! Supermercado Jose Luis (27 de
Page 9 - It was a booby trap! febrero)

FULL MOON Page 15 - A proud Jewish mother! RUSA Money Exchange

Meeting Place
MAR 12 Page 16 - Waving a firearm!
LAS ROCAS
HAPPY NAPPING DAY Los Tres Cocos
COFRESI
Ocean World Marina

A DAY WITHOUT
MARCH 17
MARCH 13
LAUGHTER IS A
LETS LAUGH
DAY WASTED
DAY

MARCH 19
Costambar Monthly page 2

WHAT TO DO THIS MONTH

Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try preventing violence against vulnerable groups in the
something different. Call 809-993-4503 for details. DR on March 17th. They end the month with the
Fine dining at its best! launch of a week long exhibit of internationally
acclaimed local artists. All events start at 4pm. Meet
Big Lees Beach Bar on the Malecon has fantastic up for Fortaleza tour is 3:30pm at the Meeting Place.
food at affordable prices! Amazing Fish & Chips, big
juicy burgers and yummy sandwiches. Kitchen now
open 9:30am to 11:00pm. Coming in March Renees
Beach Cafe open from 7am-noon. Karoake Saturday
March 4th & 25th from 7-11pm.

Kevin & Patricia invite you to El Carey Restaurant -

where you can enjoy the beach your way!! Every day
from 5pm-7pm rum drinks are RD$60 for Happy Hour!
New empanadas on the menu this month!

Pedros Bar & Restaurant has a full menu including

Pedros Famous Cordon Bleu. Fridays 4-6pm they
have cocktail specials. WIFI Zone!
AMBER COVE SCHEDULE
Tropical Bar on the Malecon has over 20 types of
Belgian beer and 8 sports channels! A great place to
chill out and enjoy life! Karaoke with JEPOLS every
Friday night! The place for Belgian & Dutch to hang
out!

La Otra Bar has lots of specials! Happy Hour 5-7pm

with 2 Dominican rum drinks for RD$100!! Watch for
surprise Happy Hours when Grande Presidente or
Bohemia is only RD$100! When? Whenever they
announce it - you have to be there to know! Large
bottle of Barcelo with 7up RD$450. Large Barcelo
Anejo with 7UP RD$500. Bucket of 5 Coronas RD$550.
Bucket of 5 Presidente pequenas RD$375. Also their
Chivo and Chivo Picante are only RD$500 a serving.

Sams Bar at Loase invite you to come enjoy a great

menu and a large list of available activities including
racquetball, swimming pool, billiards and more! Now
wheelchair accessible. Big St. Pattys Day bash on
March 17th!

The Meeting Place has a guided tour of La Fortaleza

with its director on March 3rd. There is a talk on safe
potable water in the DR on March 10th and one on
Costambar Monthly page 3

Open Every Day at 9am - 3rd caseta from La Sirena

COMING IN MARCH.
Renees Beach Cafe
at Big Lees Beach Bar
Open 7 am to Noon
Featuring:
Hot & Iced Coffee, Lattes,
Frappuccinos, Cappuccinos and
Fresh baked breads, tarts, rolls, etc.
Big Lees is open Every Day
Serving Breakfast early
Always open 9 am to 11 pm
or later
KARAOKE!
Saturday Mar 4th & 25th
From 7pm to 11pm
bigleesbeachbar.com

Well, to be Frank
Id have to change my name!
An Irishman arrived
LAST MINUTE TOURS! at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around
Available Only For Costambar Monthly Readers the terminal with
tears streaming
Save on Your Favourite Premium Tours down his cheeks.
An airline employee
asked him if he was
already homesick.
CONTACT CINDY "No," replied the
Irishman "I've lost
809-449-1820 all me luggage!"
809-970-7507 "How'd that
happen?"
costambarmonthly "The cork fell out!"
@gmail.com said the Irishman.
Costambar Monthly page 4

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON...

I was reading an article last night about fathers
El Carey and sons, and memories came flooding back of the
time I took my son out for his first drink.
WELCOME TO Off we went to our local bar, which is only two
KEVIN & PATRICIAS EL CAREY blocks from the house.
Where you can enjoy the beach your way! I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it so I
drank it.
EVERY DAY 5-7pm! Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either,
Cuba/Santo Libres for RD$60 so I drank it.
With Aejo, Blanco It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
Apple, Coconut or Pineapple Rum By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I
could hardly push the stroller back home.
NEW!
Empanadas with Cheese,
Jalapeos AND Ground Beef
The Best in Town!
AVAILABLE FOR ALL TYPES OF EVENTS!
Calle Reina Isabel, Costambar, Puerto Plata
Spanish 809-918-1448 English 809-924-8233
CLOSED MONDAYS

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of
fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find
nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for
money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines
who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at
night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one
screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes
in basement..
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DIDNT SAY. . ........
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger
Wood!"
Costambar Monthly page 5

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this
creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding
his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom
why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember
any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good
night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going
to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain
killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.
Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes
wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it
know it's me?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met
an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.
Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad
read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife
and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and
was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....
This particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the
minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without
you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at
that moment my very obedient daughter who was
listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is
butt dust?'

PEDROS
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the In front of Jennys
hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she Open Monday-Saturday
said, 'It makes my teeth cough.' 10:30am-9pm
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: Bar & Restaurant Closed Sundays
'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried Full Menu including
When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he
replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed Pedros Famous Cordon Bleu!
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that
were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without
Cocktail Specials Fridays from 4-6pm!
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he
whispering in her mouth?' 809-970-7786

Tues to Sat NOON-8pm

Sun NOON-4pm Closed Mondays
Costambar, Dominican Republic www.samsbardr.com
www.loase.com jojovco@aol.com @SamsBarDR
809-970-7861 809-837-6845
ROOMS FOR RENT ON A
DAILY OR WEEKLY BASIS. ST. PATTYS DAY PARTY
CALL JOSE 809-837-6845 Friday March 17th
OR LOASE 809-970-7861 Wear Green and
Racquetball
Handball Get Your Irish On!
Pickleball
Billiards Contact Us For
Parade Details!
Pool
Yennys Market

Big Screen for

Sports Events
And More *not to scale
Costambar
Entrance
NOW WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE
Costambar Monthly page 6

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and

Seamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and
found themselves on the road
which led past the old
graveyard..
"Come have a look over here,"
809-970-7617 829-770-0661 says Paddy, "It's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his
BUCKETS OF BEER!! soul. He lived to the ripe old age
of 87."
5 CORONAS RD$550 "That's nothing," says Sean,
5 PRESIDENTE RD$375 "here's one named Patrick
HORA LOCA!CRAZY HOUR! O'Toole, it says here that he was
95 when he died."!
GRANDE PRESIDENTE/BOHEMIA Just then, Seamus yells out,
FOR RD$100 "Good God, here's a fella that got
to be 145!"
WHEN? THATS THE SURPRISE!
"What was his name?" asks
NO ONE KNOWS UNTIL Paddy.
ITS ANNOUNCED! Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see
HAPPY HOUR 5PM-7PM what else is written on the stone
ANY DOMINICAN RUM marker, and exclaims, "Miles,
2 FOR RD$100 from Dublin."

BIG BOTTLE OF BARCELO

WITH 7UP ONLY RD$450
BIG BOTTLE BARCELO AEJO
WITH 7UP ONLY RD$500
ALSO - CHIVO & CHIVO PICANTE
ONLY RD$500/SERVING
OPEN 8AM
DOMINICAN FOOD/COMIDA CRIOLLA!
IN FRONT OF JENNYS MARKET
Costambar Monthly page 7
PAID ADVERTISEMENT
SECURITY COMMITTEE
COSTAMBAR
The Security Committee is trying to raise $150,000
for a new Yamaha Motorcycle.
We are about 1/3 of the way to our fundraising
goal! If you would like to donate to the new
Motorcycle Fund or join the Security Committee
contact Jack Cameron at jackflor@aol.com or call
809-844-0684
March Security Committee meeting Friday March
17th 9:00 am Seahorse Condos #10
Donations & Pledges so far. Pledges are marked x:
Dear Costambarians,
Time is flying. Spring is here and we, the APC,
are working on various projects. More than 100
letters left our office reaching the non-payers
asking them to get in touch with us or with the
lawyer so we can reach an agreement before it
gets to court. We are trying to work amicably with
everyone as this is the best for Costambar. We
want everyone to join so we can make a great
community even better. Can any of you imagine
Costambar without security, what would it be like?
Did you know that just last week in Cafemba there
were 2 hold-ups at gun point and 2 robberies in
the same Colmado within the past month! This is
not fun, and this is happening on our door step.
This is what could happen in our community if it
wasnt for our security staff.
The General Assembly on February 11th went
well - new Statutes are being implemented. The
budget was approved and we are going to employ
2 more Security staff and 1 more in Maintenance.
Further, some road repairs will be completed
soon.
The helicopters from Lifestyle keep breaking
Dominican Law several times a day, we have
made complaints to the proper authorities and we
will keep fighting for the good of our community.
A small reminder: Our Security have a coffee
machine and need donations of coffee and sugar
to stay alert 24/7. Donations are appreciated. You
can bring them to Bethania in the APC office and
she will give it out as they need it.
Now that we are all enjoying the nice weather
along with the beach life, please make sure that
you remember to lock up your house or apartment
properly before you go out, and do not bring a lot
of cash, expensive jewelry, photo equipment or
hand phones - that will only tempt fragile egos
Counting with you for the
good of Costambar.
The APC Security and Maintenance.
APC office email:apcmaintenance@yahoo.com
Tel: 809 970 7877
Web: apccostambar.com
Facebook: Apc Costambar
Costambar Monthly page 8
Away Day Country Park
Los Campines
Maimon
Puerto Plata
809-973-4824
Come and Have a Day at
Away Day Country Park
Open daily 9:30 a.m. until 6:30 p.m.
Swimming Pool
Childrens Paddling Pool & Playground
Adult and Childrens Mini Ziplines
Flower Gardens and Aviary
Paintball and Paintball Target Shooting
Sandpit * Trampoline
Bar Restaurant
Day pass Adults RD$50 Children RD$30
Day Pass including Food RD$350
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the
aid of their fellow man...passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer
Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight
attendant nervously made the following painful
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it
appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by
our catering service. I don't know how this has
happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner
meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and
inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died
down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough
to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,
will receive free and unlimited drinks for the
duration of our 10 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners
available."
COSTAMBAR MONTHLY POSSIBLE!
SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!
THEY MAEKE
INTERNATIONAL GOURMET
CUISINE
&
AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES
Closed Mon. Feb 13
Open Tues. Feb 14 for Valentines Dinner
Calle Juan Bosch #60, Puerto Plata
Info@MeetingPlacePuertoPlata.com
OPEN
11am-4pm
Tuesday - Friday
www.MeetingPlacePuertoPlata.com 829-455-6110
FRIDAY, MARCH 3rd 4:00 pm. A guided visit to La Fortaleza
San Felipe with Orlando Menicucci, its director and well-known
artist. Learn about its important role in the history of Puerto
Plata and the DR. Commissioned by King Felipe II of Spain in 1564,
it was completed in 1577. The only surviving building from the
colonial era, it houses a number of important military artifacts.
Meet at the Fort at 4 pm or at the Meeting Place at 3:30.
FRIDAY, MARCH 10th 4:00 pm. Safe Water: Timothy Kiefer
returns to talk about the potable water supply in the DR and
show how the ceramic water filter, which removes impurities
and kills E.coli and cholera, addresses this need. Among several
NGO positions, he is International Projects Manager for Wine To
Water, a non-profit providing safe drinking water with, apart from
here, ongoing projects in Nepal, Cambodia and the Amazon basin.
FRIDAY MARCH 17TH 4:00 pm. Preventing violence against
women, children and members of the LBGT community. We are
fortunate to have two exceptional presenters: Kelmi Duncan and
Betty Alvarez. Lic. Kelmi Duncan is the prosecutor that has been
most active in cases involving violence against vulnerable groups.
Lic. Betty Alvarez works with CEPROSH and runs a program
sensitizing police departments to the issue.
FRIDAY MARCH 24TH 4:00 pm. Launching: A reception to open
a week-long exhibition of local artists. Join us for wine and
cheese and a chance to meet local artists whose works have
received international acclaim.
Lightening sometimes shocks people because
it just doesnt know how to conduct itself.
Costambar Monthly page 9

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I

overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a
Mammogram Technician, say, Your Honor, Im guilty but
there were extenuating circumstances.
The female Judge said, sarcastically, Id certainly like to
hear those extenuating circumstances. I did too so I
listened as the lady told her story.
Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I
actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard
carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to
one side and crooned, Hi! Im Belinda! All I need you to
do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, RD$2100 Includes Dental
then slip on this gown. Everything clear?
Im thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This aint rocket science.
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of
RD$2500 with Drugs
horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)
to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your
tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything? Tuesday Mar 7 & Apr 4
Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the Casa Mia, Malecon, Puerto Plata 5pm
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me Pedros Bar, Costambar 6:30pm
off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr
4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! 809-904-8535/809-543-2155
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they petra.bahr@yahoo.de
hit a snag. Then she headed for the door.
Excuse me! Youre not leaving me in this vise alone are
you? I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, Oh, you fussy puppythe
doors wide open so youll have the emergency hall lights.
Ill be right back.
Before I could shout NO! She disappeared. And thats PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE
exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
Therapeutic Massage
extraordinaire found mehalf-naked with part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part Sport Massage
smashed between glass! Deep Tissue Massage
After exchanging a polite Hi, hows it going type greeting, Trigger Point Massage
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I Lymph Massage/Drainage
knew the power was off. Relaxation Massage
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much Laser Therapy
calmness as possible, Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway.
OK, you take care now Bubba replied and waved good- Now also massage in the beach from 10am-3pm.
bye as though Id been standing in the line at the grocery
store. Ton: Tuesday-Wednesday-Saturday
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she
said, Oh I am so sorry! The power came back on and I
totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.
Are we upset?
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps.
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
Case Dismissed.
Costambar Monthly page 10

THE RAINY DAY PAGE

SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 12
SUDOKU PUZZLES
Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column
and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.
ST. PATRICKS DAY
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid.
The remaining letters spell a hidden message

EASY

BEER DANCING HOLY DAY POTATOES

BELFAST DUBLIN IRELAND SEVENTEENTH
BISHOP
MEDIUM CABBAGE
EVENTS
FEAST DAY
IRISH
LEPRECHAUN
SHAMROCK
SNAKES
CELEBRATION FESTIVAL LIMERICK SODA BREAD
CELTIC CROSS GREEN MARCH TRADITION
CHRISTIAN GUINNESS MISSIONARY YEARLY
CLOVER HERITAGE MUSIC
CORK HISTORY PARADE
CORNED BEEF HOLIDAY PATRON SAINT

Across
1. Reciprocal
5. Defeat
6. Feed
7. Himalayan mount
Down
1. Infuriate
2. Speculation
3. Mundane
4. Hearing distance
Costambar Monthly page 11

CMS DEFINITELY NOT THE NEWS!

Because rumour, gossip, hearsay and anecdotes are just sooo much more fun!

PAPERS PLEASE!
An unprecedented immigration round-up occurred last month.
Immigration authorities visited many North Coast towns and
requested identification from many tourists and expats on beaches,
walking the streets or in bars and restaurants. Those without
documentation on them or without proof of onward departure were
rounded up on buses and taken to the DGM office in Puerto Plata.
Many paid overstay fines there or were able to prove their legitimacy
or a length of stay within the allowable limit.
The round-ups were stopped but not before a lot of fear, confusion
and calls to consulates, embassies and other authorities. What follows
is the statement received from the Canadian Embassy in regard to the
matter:
FOR ALL CANADIANS LIVING IN OR VISITING THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD

The same or similar was received from various other embassies and authorities.
Carnival Fantasy PAVE PARADISE TO PUT UP A PARKING LOT
There was recently an attempt by some members of City Hall to
give a contract to a private company that would enable them to
charge anyone coming to use Costambar Beach for parking. It was
met with a lot of resistance by not only Costambar groups - APC,
Junta de Vecinos and the Beach Association but also by the people
of Puerto Plata. The Mayor quickly came out saying he was unaware
of this and that he would not be signing such an agreement.
GETTING TO THE POINTS
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, Its that time of year again.
YOUR HANDS UPON THE WHEEL Time to cash in your La Sirena
The government has signed into law points for a spendable voucher
sweeping new transportation rules. of the equivalent amount. All
Many of them have to do with public points must be cashed out by
transportation such as motoconchos going to the Customer Service
and public cars and deal with the area by the end of March. You
age of the vehicle, the number of will then be able to use the
passengers permitted, the age of voucher they give you against
the passenger on a motoconcho, any in store purchases
helmuts required for passengers on motoconchos and more. Steep
BYE BYE BIRDIES! fines and, in some cases, imprisonment, will be the consequences
So the beautiful flamingos that for infractions. There are many more new transportation laws POWER
graced the Costambar Laguna than we have room to detail here and how enforcement will play POINTS
last month left as suddenly as out is a much debated topic. Until the dust settles though it is
they arrived. Rumour has it that advisable to watch your driving, the condition of your vehicle, Even though the power plant
somebody brought them to the wear your seatbelts, dont talk on your phone while driving and continues to roar and spew it
Laguna and that same person even watch your drinking and driving, If experience has taught us clouds of toxic smoke into the
took them away. Sad as we are anything it is that there is quite often an overzealous flurry of air, the power supply continues
to see them go, it is even enforcement at the beginning of such pronouncements (witness not to be 24 hour. But
sadder to think that they will the immigration roundups in the above story) until things settle compared to what we had
be kept in captivity somewhere. down into a more proportionate enforcement. before it is light years better.
Dont forget to check out our new website at costambarmonthly.com and our Facebook page @costambarmonthly to keep up
with all the latest news that isnt news! Except to us!
Costambar Monthly page 12

COSTAMBAR MONTHLY AD RATES

The Best Value for your Advertising Peso!
NEW RATES EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 2015

Contact Us
809-970-7507/809-449-1820
costambarmonthly@gmail.com
www.costambarmonthly.com

COMING SOON! EXCITING NEW

ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES AT
COSTAMBARMONTHLY.COM!!
BE SEEN WHERE IT COUNTS!

SOLUTIONS TO PUZZLES ON PAGE 10

EASY MEDIUM

HIDDEN MESSAGE
SAINT PATRICK LIVED IN
THE FIFTH CENTURY
Costambar Monthly page 13

www.costambarmonthly.com
Costambar Monthly page 14

Poison Kits What do you call two

Available! guys above a window?
Kurt and Rod!
RD$1500
BINGO ON THE BEACH Costambar
MARCH 12TH ART TOUR
3:30 PM
SIOBELOS SALOON (CESIS)
FOSTER & FOREVER HOMES, DONATIONS
VOLUNTEERS AND TRAVEL COMPANIONS
ALWAYS NEEDED AND WELCOMED!
We are currently in need of donations
to complete our Animal Sanctuary
near Luperon. We are a registered
charity in Canada and the U.S.A.

MORE INFO DogsandCatsDR

I miss those days when you
could just push someone
into a pool without worrying
about their cell phone!
An Irish priest is driving down
to New York and gets stopped
MOVIES ARE BACK!
Brought to you by
for speeding in Connecticut. The Funraisers Every Wednesday
The state trooper smells at 7:30pm
alcohol on the priest's breath Las Rocas Restaurant
and then sees an empty wine Donation: RD$250
Free Popcorn/Cash Bar
bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been
drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why
All proceeds go Check the
do I smell wine?"
To fund community Library
The priest looks at the bottle projects such as
and says, "Good Lord! He's Front Gate beautification Bulletin Board
done it again!" Security & more! For the weekly movie
Costambar Monthly page 15

The year is 2020 and the United States has

elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish
OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her
mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,
Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm
"So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my
Everything you need from snacks to supper! inauguration?"
Delivery Service Available! "I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father
Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is
809-970-3028 acting up again."
"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One
JUST NAILS to pick you up and take you home..And a limousine
IN COSTAMBAR
When I finish will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-
German Nail Stylist eating something schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"
Working with I have to show Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful
Gel/Acrylic/Shellac gown custom-made by the best designer in New
More than 20 years my hands to York ."
experience "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat
my dog like Im those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
www.facebook.com/
JustNailsIrina
a blackjack The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom.
The entire affair is going to be handled by the
829-727-6845 dealer! best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom,
I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20,
2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as
President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new President's mother,
who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and
says, "You see that woman over there with her
hand on the Torah, becoming President of the
United States??"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.

The jury foreman came out and announced,
"Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly.
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Costambar Monthly page 16

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all

day and most of the night celebrating St Patricks
Day.
HAVING RUST PROBLEMS?
Mick, the bartender says, Youll not be drinking
anymore tonight, Paddy.
Paddy replies, OK Mick, Ill be on my way then.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. Shoite he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He
takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
face,
Shoite, Shoite !
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that
if he can just get to the door and some fresh air
hell be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head
outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
BiJesus Im fockin focked, he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and From their website
crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door
frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He Call Colin 809-449-1819
takes a look up the stairs and says No f Way. He Ask about our pool paint!
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
I can make it to the bed. He takes a step into the
room and falls flat on his face. He says f it and SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!
falls into bed. THEY MAKE COSTAMBAR
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the
MONTHLY POSSIBLE!
room carrying a cup of coffee and says, Get up
Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?
Paddy says, I did, Jess. I was fin pissed. But how
did you know?
Mick phoned ... . . You left your wheelchair at the
pub.

ANNETTE GAMBARDELLA
REAL ESTATE SERVICES
809-869-0054
Seasonal rentals & long term
Residential homes & condos
Investment properties
Riverfront land & farm
www.costambar-puertoplata-realestate.com

Local Area Network in Australia -

the LAN down under.
Costambar Monthly page 17

CLASSIFIEDS
CAR FOR SALE
Honda CRV 2007 4WD
Beautiful Condition
Only 83,000 miles
Owned by us for
almost three years
4 New Bridgestone tyres
No dents
Brilliant Air Conditioning
Everything works
We have always serviced it when the on board computer tells us to
and I have all the receipts.
We have the ownership documents.
We are leaving the country so it has to be sold.
US$15,000
Whatsapp me on 809 454 8915 for more photos or to view.
FOR SALE CHECK OUT OUR
Two water coolers. Call 849-652-8686 or whatsapp.
EXCITING NEW WEBSITE!!
Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be WWW.COSTAMBARMONTHLY.COM
placed by emailing costambarmonthly@gmail.com
Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820
PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items.
Commercial properties or enterprises (including real
USEFUL NUMBERS
estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will Police Office 809-320-8510
usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise Police Car 809-320-8840
notified. Please limit the length of your ads to no more than
APC Office 809-970-7877
approx. 10 lines!!!
APC Gate Security 809-970-7015
Codetel 809-220-1111
Edenorte - emergency 809-261-1844
Edenorte - office 809-586-9823
Costambar Taxi Stand 809-970-7318

Canada 809-586-5761
Britain 809-586-4244
U.S.A. 809-586-4204
German 809-586-6995
Italian 809-320-7601

Clinica Bournigal 809-586-2342

Clinica Brugal 809-586-2519
Los Tropicos Pharmacy 809-970-7607
Costambar Monthly page 18

BOAT INSURANCE
Any Craft - Any Use - Any Age - Anywhere
Survey Not Normally Required
Personal Belongings
Equipment Coverage
No Claims Discounts

Contact us today for a tailor-made, no obligation

www.EdwardWilliams.com or
Call Colin 809-449-1819

ATTENTION BOATERS!
NOW AVAILABLE!
Blue Water Antifouling Paint
Ablative and hard
Also
Topside paint and varnish
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan)
All at U.S. Prices!
staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention Call 809-449-1819 or
but the Ole just sits there. Email drcigarman@yahoo.com
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. For details and orders
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no toilet paper on this side either." ANTIFOULING
ONLY US$100
CLEAR FIBERGLASS
INCLUDES DELIVERY
3 GALLON
PROPANE CYLINDER TANK
IDEAL FOR BOATS
ONLY RD$2300
Tanks & valves are brand new Why did the cows keep returning
Made in the USA
Always know how much gas you get or have left! to the marijuana field?
Lightweight & rustproof!
CALL COLIN AT 809-449-1819 It was the pot calling the cattle back!
Costambar Monthly page 19

You will not believe what just happened. I went

ARAMIS HENRIQUEZ into the gas station to get some chocolate. When I
walked up I noticed these two policemen watching
Attorney at Law a woman who was smoking while getting gas. I
saw her and thought, "What an idiot. - with the
police right there too." But anyway, I went in and
got my chocolate. As I was leaving I heard
someone screaming. I looked outside and the
Cedulas and Residencias woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her
arm and running around like mad! I ran outside and
Drivers Licenses the police had put her on the ground and were
putting the fire out with their Redbulls!!!! Then
Land or Home Purchase/Title Work they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the
Travel with you to Santiago to police car. I was thinking "She shouldn't have been
smoking where they're pumping gas!!!" But being
purchase a car the nosy person that I am, I asked them what they
General Legal Work were arresting her for. The cop looked me dead in
the eye and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!!!"

829-323-6451 65 Guayacannes
Costambar
aramis_henriquez@yahoo.com 809-970-7197
Speaks English-German-Spanish-Creole-French 809-844-0684
jackflor@aol.com
ONCE
YOUVE
SEEN THE
REST

STAY AT
THE
BEST!!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and FOR RENT/FOR SALE
placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the 14 CONDOS - 1,2,3 BEDROOM
drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled So if a redhead goes
over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all
about?" crazy Is it called
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!"
ginger snaps!
Costambar Monthly page 20

FOR SALE
PENTHOUSE APARTMENT IN COSTAMBAR
VILLA MARLENA BUILDING
36O square metres Laundry area
Third floor Bar
Three bedrooms Rooftop access
Three bathrooms Common pool
Large living room
Kitchen
MORE INFORMATION
Big terrace 829-820-9200
Billiard table 809-979-9969
Football table francescodigiacomo_03@hotmail.com