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Emperor of the Moon

Mopsophil/Scaramouch/Harlequin

Mopsophil.Who’s making all that noise? Ah, Senior Scaramouch, is it you? Scaramouch.Who else would it be, that takes such pains to see you? Mopsophil.Ah, Lover most true blue!

[Enter Harlequin in Womens clothes.] Harlequin.If I can get into the ladies rooms, I shall not only deliver the young ladies their notes from their lovers, but get some opportunity, thanks to this disguise, to slip my love letter into Mopsophil's hand, and get ahead of my comrade Scaramouch.—Wait! What do I see?—My Mistress at the window, courting my rival! Ah trollop! Scaramouch.—But we lose precious time, since you only have about an hours’ worth of time left for us to be alone. Harlequin.Ah traitor!— Mopsophil.You'll be sure to keep it from Harlequin. Harlequin.Ah yes, him. Hang him for a fool because he takes you for a Saint. Scaramouch.Harlequin!—Hang him, nasty herring. Harlequin.Ay, a Cully, a Noddy. Mopsophil.A meer Zany. Harlequin.Ah, hard hearted Turk. Mopsophil.Fit for nothing but a cuckold. Harlequin.Monster of ingratitude! How shall I be revenged;

—Hold, hold, you deceitful Traitor!

[cries out in a woman’s voice]

Mopsophil.A Woman in the Garden! Harlequin.Come down, come down, you false, perfidious wretch! Scaramouch.Who in the devils name are you? And to whom do you speak?

Harlequin.To you, you false deceiver, who has broken your vows, your lawful vows of wedlock—

Oh, oh, that I shou'd live to see the day!—

[Bawling out]

[Crying]

Scaramouch.Who are you talking about, Woman? Harlequin.Whom should I mean, but you—my lawful spouse? Mopsophil.Oh Villain!—Lawful Spouse!—Let me come to her.

[Scaramouch comes down, as Mopsophil flings out of the Balcony. Scaramouch.The Woman's mad—listen, you poor thing—how long have you been insane? Harlequin.Ever since I loved and trusted you, false varlot. —See here,—the witness of my love and shame.

[Bawls, and points to her Belly]

[Just then Mopsophil enters] Mopsophil.What! pregnant!—You villain! Were you just toying with me? Scaramouch.Hear me out. Harlequin.Oh, you heathen!—Was not one woman enough? Mopsophil.Yeah! Answer that! Scaramouch.I’m going to be killed. Mopsophil.I’ve made up my mind! I’ll get married tomorrow! To some apothecary or farmer or some other man I’ve never laid eyes on, just to spite you, you infidel!

Emperor of the Moon

Doctor Baliardo/Cinthio/Elaria

Doctor Baliardo.Scaramouch, you knave, bring a Light!

[Enter Scaramouch with a Light, and seeing the two Lovers there, runs against his Master, puts out the Candle, and flings him down, and falls over him. At the entrance of the Candle, Charmante slipt from Cinthio into the Closet. Cinthio gropes to find him; when Mopsophil and Elaria, hearing a great Noise, enter with a Light. Cinthio finding he was discover'd, falls to acting a Mad Man. Scaramouch helps up the Doctor, and bows.] A man! In my house! Who are you, Sir?

Cinthio.Men call me Gog Magog, the Spirit of Power; My Right-hand Riches holds, my Left-hand Honour.

Is there a City Wife Wou'd be a Lady?—Bring her to me,

Her easie Cuckold shall be dubb'd a Knight. Elaria.Oh Heavens! It’s a mad man, Sir!

Cinthio.Is there a Tawdry Fop wou'd have a Title?

A rich Mechanick that wou'd be an Alderman?

Bring 'em to me, And I'll convert that Coxcomb, and that Block-head, into Your Honour, and Right Worshipful. Doctor Baliardo.Mad, stark mad! Scaramouch—How did this mad man get in here?

[While the Doctor turns to Scaramouch, Cinthio speaks softly to Elaria] Cinthio.Oh, you sneaky, unfaithful woman! Who are you hiding in the closet? Scaramouch.Uh … Why Sir, he was brought from the mad house in the hopes that you could cure him, but I don’t know how he got from the parlor all the way up to this chamber Cinthio.Upon a winged Horse, Iclyped Pegasus, Swift as the fiery Racers of the Sun, —I fly—I fly— See how I mount, and cut the liquid Sky.

[Runs out] Doctor Baliardo.Oh the poor man! He's past all hope of a cure—But Scaramouch, in the future, you make sure no young mad patients are brought to this house. Scaramouch.I shall Sir,—and see—here's your key you were looking for. Doctor Baliardo.Thank you very much, Scaramouch. Now I must be gone—Bar the doors, and on your life:

don’t let any men in.

[Exit Doctor, and all with him, with the Light.

[Charmante peeps out—and by degrees comes all out listening every step]

Charmante.Who the devil was it that pulled me out of the closet earlier? Either way: I’m free and the Doctor is

gone; I'll go find Cinthio, and bring him here so we may pass the night with our ladies.

[Exit.]

[As he is gone off, enter Cinthio]

Cinthio.Now to find that man who was hidden in the closet earlier! Now that the Doctor is gone, I can have my

revenge!

[He gropes his way into the Closet, with his Sword drawn]

[Enter Elaria with a Light.]

Elaria.Scaramouch tells me Charmante is hidden in the Closet, and I’m sure Cinthio must have mistaken him in

the dark for some rival lover of mine, and is now terribly jealous. Ah, well: I'll just send Charmante after him to

clear up the entire misunderstanding.

—Sir, Sir, Where are you? They are all gone, you can come out.

Cinthio!

[Goes to the door.]

[Cinthio comes out.]

Cinthio.Yes Madam, you false woman, you. Better me than your lover that you hid in this closet. He’s lucky to

have escaped, or else I would have gutted him!

Elaria.Cinthio, listen to me - .

Cinthio.—But since I don’t know who he is, I suppose you get to keep him until I find out who he is!

Elaria.Cinthio! Oh, you stupid, jealous man.

Whose Jealousie believes me given to Change, Let thy own Torments be my just Revenge.

[Goes out.]

Emperor of the Moon

Mopsophil/Scaramouch/Harlequin 2

[Enter Harlequin, dress'd like a Farmer] Harlequin.Hum—What have we here, a Tailor or a Tumbler? Scaramouch.Ha—Who's this? What if it is the Farmer that the Doctor has said Mopsophil was promised to? Be still my beating heart!

[They look at each other a while]

Who are you here to speak with, Friend?

Harlequin.This is, perhaps, my rival, the Apothecary.—Speak with, Sir: what's that to you? Scaramouch.Have you business with Seignior Doctor, Sir? Harlequin.It may be I have, it may be I have not. What then, Sir?—

[While they seem in angry Dispute, Enter Mopsophil] Mopsophil.Seignior Doctor tells me I have a Lover waiting for me, sure it must be the Farmer or the Apothecary. No matter which, as long as it’s a lover, that lover will be the most welcome man alive. I am resolv'd to take the first good offer, but only out of revenge of Harlequin and Scaramouch, for pulling their tricks upon me Scaramouch.My Mistress here!

[They both Bow and Advance, both putting each other by] Mopsophil.Hold Gentlemen,—do not crowd me. Which of you wou'd speak with me? Both.I, I, I, Madam— Mopsophil.Both of you? Both.No, Madam, I, I. Mopsophil.If both lovers, you are both welcome, but let's have fair play, and take your turns to speak. Harlequin.Ay, Seignior, 'tis most uncivil to interrupt me. Scaramouch.And disingenuous, Sir, to intrude on me.

[Putting one another by]

Mopsophil.Let me then speak first. Harlequin.I'm silent. Scaramouch.I acquiesce. Mopsophil.I was informed there was a person here had propositions of marriage to make me. Harlequin.That's I, that's I—

[Shoves Scaramouch away]

Scaramouch.It’s me. Finis.

[Shoves Harlequin away] Harlequin.I know not what you mean by your Finis, Seignior, but I am come to offer myself as this Gentlewoman’s Servant, her Lover, her Husband, her Dog in a Halter, or anything that would make her happy. Scaramouch.I pronounce you a poltroon! An ignominious utensil! You dare lay claim to the Renowned Lady of my best Affections.—

[In Rage] Harlequin.I don’t fear your hard Words, Sir, if Donna Mopsophil likes me, the Farmer, as well as I like her, then it’s a match, and my chariot is ready at the gate to take her away.

Mopsophil.Ah, a chariot, you say? Scaramouch.And I pronounce, that being intoxicated with the sweet eyes of this delightful lady, I come to tender her my noblest particulars, being already most advantageously set up with the circumstantial implements of my occupation.

[Points to the Shop] Mopsophil.A City Apothecary, a most Gentlemanly Calling—Which shall I choose?—Seignior Apothecary, I'll not question the circumstances that have occasioned me this honor.— Scaramouch.Incomparable Lady, the Elegancy of your repertees most excellently denote the profundity of your capacity. Harlequin.What the Devil's all this? Good Mr. Conjurer stand by—and don't fright the Gentlewoman with your confusing and over-elegant vocabulary.

[Puts him by] Scaramouch.Me? A Conjurer! What vulgar ignorance, that calls a philosopher a conjurer!

[In Rage]

Harlequin.Losophers!—I beg you: if you’re a man, speak like a man, then. Scaramouch.Why, what do I speak like? What do I speak like? Harlequin.What do you speak like—why you speak like a wheel-barrow. Scaramouch.How!— Harlequin.And how.

[They come up close together at half Sword. Parry; stare on each other for a while, then put up and bow to each other civilly] Mopsophil.That’s enough Gentlemen, let's all have peace so I may look over you both, and see which I like best.

[She goes between 'em, and surveys 'em both, they making ridiculous Bows on both sides, and Grimaces the while]

—ha,

[Aside]

Now on my conscience: it’s my two foolish lovers, Harlequin and Scaramouch; how are my hopes defeated that they aren’t who they pretend to be?—but by faith, I'll be revenged on you both.

Emperor of the Moon

Bellemante/Charmante/Harlequin (no lines)

[Steals out]

[Harlequin groping about, finds the Table, on which there is a carpet, and creeps under it, listening]

[Enter Bellemante, with a Candle in one Hand, and a Book in the other] Bellemante.I am in the right mood for Poetry tonight.

[She Writes and Studies] Out of a greatcCuriosity,—A Shepherd did demand of me. —No, no,—A Shepherd this implor'd of me.—

[Scratches out, and Writes a-new] Right. That’s better.—Tell me, said he,— Can you Resign?—Resign, ay,—what Rhymes with Resign?—Tell me, said he,—

[She lays down the book, and walks about.

[Harlequin peeps from under the Table, takes the Book, writes in it, and lays it up before she can turn]

[Reads.] Tell me, said he, my Bellemante;—Will you be kind to your Charmante?

—Good heaven! What's this? Magic! [Writes.]— I blush'd, and veil'd my wishing Eyes.

—Wishing Eyes—

[Reads those two Lines, and is amaz'd]

[Lays down the Book, and walks as before]

[Harlequin Writes as before.]

[Harlequin writes.]—And answer'd only with my Sighs.

[She turns and takes the Tablet] Bellemante.What is this? Witchcraft or some Divinity of Love? I’ll try it again.— [Bellemante writes.] —Cou'd I a better way my Love impart?

[Studies and walks]

—Impart—

[He writes as before]

[Harlequin writes.]—And without speaking, tell him all my Heart.

Bellemante.—'Tis here again, but where's the Hand that writ it?

It cannot be a Devil,

For here's no Sin nor Mischief in all this.

[Looks about]

[Enter Charmante. She hides the Tablet, he steps to her, and snatches it from her and Reads.]

Charmante Reads. Out of a great Curiosity, A Shepherd this implor'd of me; Tell me, said he, my Bellemante, Will you be kind to your Charmante? I blush'd, and veil'd my wishing Eyes, And answer'd only with my Sighs. Cou'd I a better way my Love impart; And without speaking, tell him all my Heart? Charmante.Whose handwriting is this?

[Looks angry]

Bellemante.Yours for all I know. Charmante.What Fop have you been writing poetry with? Bellemante.Ah, mon Dieu!—Charmante Jealous! Charmante.Have I not cause?—Who writ these lines? Bellemante.Some kind assisting deity, perhaps. Charmante.Some kind assisting coxcomb, perhaps! The ink’s still wet! I’ll bet you have him hidden in here somewhere! Bellemante.Jealous! How was I mistaken in this man? Charmante.Mistaken! What, did you take me for, an easy fool to be imposed upon?—One that would be cuckolded by every -

[Enter Scaramouch, running.] Scaramouch.Oh Madam! Hide your lover, or we are all undone. Charmante.I will not hide, till I find the man that made these verses.

Emperor of the Moon

Doctor Baliardo/Scaramouch

Doctor Baliardo.Lights here! Someone bring a light! Where are they? Surely they couldn’t have escaped! Peter.Impossible, Sir.

[Enter Scaramouch undress'd in his Shirt, with a Light. Starts] Scaramouch.Bless me! What’s going on here? Doctor Baliardo.Who are you?

Scaramouch.Me? Who the devil are you?

[Amaz'd to see him enter so]

[Rubs his Eyes, and brings the Candle nearer. Looks on him] —Mercy upon us!—Why it’s you, Sir! Why are you returned home so soon?

Doctor Baliardo.Returned home so soon!

[Looking sometimes on him, sometimes about] Scaramouch.Yes, Sir. Didn’t you go out of Town last night, to visit your brother the lawyer? Doctor Baliardo.You villain! You speak to me like you didn’t already know I had come back! Scaramouch.Me? How would I know that, Sir? I Just woke up from the sweetest dream - Doctor Baliardo.You’re still dreaming, you knave: but I’ll wake you from your villainy! Weren’t you just here showing me the new tapestry? Scaramouch.Tapestry? What tapestry? Doctor Baliardo.What tapestry! I’ll have your life for this, you rogue!

[Offering a Pistol] Scaramouch.Are you stark mad, Sir? Am I still dreaming? What’s happening, Sir? Doctor Baliardo.Tell me, and tell me quickly, Rogue, who were those traitors that were pretending to be figures on the tapestry?

[Holds the Pistol to his Breast]

Scaramouch.Bless me! This is exactly like my dream! Doctor Baliardo.Confess, you knave! Confess! Scaramouch.Confess, Sir! What should I confess?—I don’t understand your Cabbalistical Language; but in my own words, I confess that you have waked me from the rarest dream—I thought the Emperor of the Moon was in our house, dancing and reveling; and his Grace the emperor was fallen desperately in love with Mistress Elaria, and that his brother, the Prince of Thunderland, was also in love with Mistress Bellemante; and I dreamed they descended from the

moon to court them in your absence.—And that you came home early and surprised all of them, so they transformed into figures on a tapestry to hide from you. Then I dreamed that you were so angry that they all flew back up to the moon. I awoke to hear human voices in here and came up to see what was happening.

[This while the Doctor lessens his signs of Rage by degrees, and at last stands in deep Contemplation]

Doctor Baliardo.Can I believe this? Scaramouch.Believe it! By all the honor of your house and by my veneration for you, Sir:

it’s all true, Sir. Doctor Baliardo.—That famous Rosicrucian who visited me yesterday told me the Emperor of the Moon was in love with a fair mortal. Scaramouch must have wondrous virtue in him, to be worthy of this divine intelligence. —But if that mortal is Elaria! No, no: I dare not yet suppose it—perhaps the thing was real and not a dream—I'll to my Daughter and my Niece, and hear what they may know about this. Scaramouch, if you have not deceived me in this tatter, time will convince me farther. Scaramouch.Good Sir, suspend your judgment and your anger then. Doctor Baliardo.I'll do it, go back to Bed—

[Ex. Doctor and Peter] Scaramouch.No, Sir, it’s Morning now and I'm up for the day. I say, madness is a pretty sort of a pleasant disease, isn’t it? Why take my master now: he’s as great a scholar and as grave and wise a man in all argument and discourse as one could ever meet, but even mention the moon and the man becomes ridiculous and as mad as the wind. Well Doctor, if thou can'st be madder yet, We'll find a Medicine that shall cure your Fit.