Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
Ashly Dominguez
Writing 2
22 March 2017
Revision Sheet
In the process of my WP1 revision, I first started with fixing grammar errors. I also went after
syntax in my sentences that I felt could be fixed. I used Professor Speisers comments from the
WP1 final draft to help guide me through this revision process. I then went on to fix my
introduction paragraph. I provided a stronger thesis statement that was more clear and straight
forward. In my revised essay I changed my thesis to I am going to juxtapose realistic blogs and
drama films on their different portrayals of heartbreak with an emphasis on purpose, audience
and tone. In doing so, I will discuss the importance of this juxtaposition. I feel that this thesis
statement is more effective than my original thesis statement because my original thesis
statement was very short and nonexplanatory. I also changed the type of films from romantic
tragedy films to drama films because I felt this revision would be a better contrast in my
essay. In my introduction, I also included concepts such as discourse communities and genre
analysis which is something I didnt have before in my original paper. I read my whole essay
again and realized that I could have used better organization in my paper. For example, in my
original paper, I only used 3 body paragraphs and put both sources of media in one body
paragraph. I realized this could have been a little bit messy. I went on edit the structure of my
paragraphs to make the essay flow more smoothly. In my revised version of the paper, I have 6
body paragraphs with each paragraph discussing one source of media. I made the structure so the
sources of media alternate in discussion of a feature such as audience or tone. I think this fix was
very effective because it gave my revised essay a better organized structure and flow. This
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revision made my essay easier to read and more importantly, understand. I also went on to edit
my body paragraphs by adding more citing examples in order to further support my thesis. An
example of this is in my first body paragraph. I added an example on purpose on realistic blogs
from McAllisters perspective. This revision was much needed and it was interesting to read my