The Opinion Pages | OP-ED COLUMNIST

And Jesus Said Unto Paul of Ryan ...

Nicholas Kristof MARCH 16, 2017

Photo

What would Jesus tell House Speaker Paul Ryan about looking after the sick and
the needy? CreditMandel Ngan/Agence France-Presse Getty Images
A woman who had been bleeding for 12 years came up behind Jesus and touched
his clothes in hope of a cure. Jesus turned to her and said: Fear not. Because of
your faith, you are now healed.
Then spoke Pious Paul of Ryan: But teacher, is that wise? When you cure her,
she learns dependency. Then the poor wont take care of themselves, knowing
that youll always bail them out! You must teach them personal responsibility!
They were interrupted by 10 lepers who stood at a distance and shouted, Jesus,
have pity on us.
NO! shouted Pious Paul. Jesus! You dont have time. We have a cocktail party
fund-raiser in the temple. And dont worry about them theyve already got
health care access.
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Jesus turned to Pious Paul, puzzled.
Why, they can pray for a cure, Pious Paul explained. I call that universal
health care access.
Jesus turned to the 10 lepers. Rise and go, he told them. Your faith has made
you well. Then he turned back to Pious Paul, saying, Let me tell you the story of
the good Samaritan.
A man was attacked by robbers who stripped him of clothes, beat him and left
him half dead. A minister passed down this same road, and when he saw the
injured man, he crossed to the other side and hurried on. So did a rich man who
claimed to serve God. But then a despised Samaritan came by and took pity on
the injured man. He bandaged his wounds and put the man on his own donkey and
paid an innkeeper to nurse him to health. So which of these three should we
follow?
Those who had mercy on him, Pious Paul said promptly.
Jesus nodded. So go
I mean the first two, Pious Paul interjected. For the Samaritans work is
unsustainable and sends the wrong message. It teaches travelers to take
dangerous roads, knowing that others will rescue them from self-destructive
behaviors. This Samaritan also seems to think it right to redistribute money
from those who are successful and give it to losers. Thats socialism! Meanwhile,
if the rich man keeps his money, he can invest it and create jobs. So its an act
of mercy for the rich man to hurry on and ignore the robbery victim.
How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of Heaven, Jesus mused to
himself. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a
rich person to enter heaven.
Let me teach you about love, Jesus tough love! Pious Paul explained. You
need a sustainable pro-business model. And you need to give people freedom,
Jesus, the freedom to suffer misery and poverty.
The Lord God has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, Jesus replied,
emphasizing the last two words. Then he turned to a paralyzed beggar at his
feet. Stand up! Jesus told the man. Pick up your mat and go home. As the man
danced about joyfully, Pious Paul rolled his eyes dismissively.
Look, Jesus, you have rare talent, and it should be rewarded, Pious Paul said. I
have a partner, The Donald, who would like to work with you: Hed set up a lovely
hospital, and the rich would come and pay for you to heal them. Youd get a
percentage, and itd be a real money-spinner. Overhead would be minimal because
every morning you could multiply some loaves and fishes. You could strike it
rich!
Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of God, Jesus said. But woe to
you who are rich, for you have already received comfort.
Oh, come on, Jesus, Pious Paul protested. Dont go socialist on me again. Please
dont encourage class warfare. The best way to help the needy is to give public
money to the rich. That then inspires the poor to work harder, galvanizes the
sick to become healthy, forces the lepers to solve their own problems rather
than kick back and depend on others. Thats why any realistic health plan has to
focus on providing less coverage for the poor, and big tax benefits for the rich.
When millions of people lose health care, thats when a country is great again!
From everyone who has been given much, Jesus told him, much will be
required.
Well, sure, this hospital would have a foundation to do some charity work.
Maybe commissioning portraits of The Donald to hang in the entrance. But lets
drop this bleeding heart nonsense about health care as a human right, and see it
as a financial opportunity to reward investors. In this partnership, 62 percent of
the benefits would go to the top 0.6 percent perfect for a health care plan.
Jesus turned to Pious Paul on his left and said: Be gone! For I was hungry and
you gave me no food; I was thirsty, and you gave me no drink; and I was sick, and
you did not help me.
But, Lord, protested Pious Paul of Ryan, when did I see you hungry or thirsty
or sick and refuse to help you? I drop your name everywhere. And Im pro-life!
Truly, I say to you, Jesus responded, as you did not help the homeless, the
sick as you did not help the least of these, you did not help me.
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A version of this op-ed appears in print on March 16, 2017, on Page A23 of
the New York edition with the headline: And Jesus Said Unto Paul of
Ryan ... Today's Paper|Subscribe