8/21/14

Transforming Shame Using

Emo6onally Focused Therapy
Rebecca Jorgensen, PhD
Jim Thomas, LMFT
ICEEFT Cer6ed EFT Trainers
Copyright (2012) Note: material in this packet is copyrighted. This material may only be
copied for noncommercial use with appropriate referencing.

Intro
For a rela6onship between any two individuals to
proceed harmoniously each must be aware of the
others point-of-view, his goals, feelings, and
inten6ons, and each must so adjust his own
behaviour that some alignment of goals is
nego6ated. This requires that each should have
reasonably accurate models of self and other
which are regularly updated by free
communica6on between them.
John Bowlby 1988

Importance of Working with Shame

Uncovering Shame, and absorbing shame in
the nega6ve dance is helpful.
Otherwise, vulnerability begets shame
responses (hide, a]ack, defend, avoid).
Other vulnerable emo6ons are covered or
hijacked by the absorbing shame, and
Shame itself, if not fully experienced or
processed; may block access to fear.

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Shame Dened
Shame is the experience of pain from social
rejec6on or abandonment received in
response to a]achment need. Repeated
experiences of shame result in dening self as
unlovable or unworthy.
Rebecca Jorgensen

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

To ground ourselves, lets take a trip through
the Science of Emo6ons

Objec6ve: To understand shame as both a

func6onal, essen6al primary emo6on and

Shame as a dicult, some6mes absorbing

emo6on oaen present in nega6ve cycles

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Emo6ons:

Inherently organizing force in

Individual experience
Social rela6onships
Close, a]achment rela6onships

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Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Emo6ons:

Emo6ons shapes and organizes our experience

AND our connec6ons to others. (Johnson, 2012)

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Emo6ons:

La6n Root: movereto move.

Each emo6on readies us for some ac6on;

Strong feelings literally moves us to approach,
avoid, to act. (Johnson, 2012)

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Warm-Up Our Brains Exercise:

Ac6on tendencies of these Primary Emo6ons:

Anger
Sadness/Sorrow
Fear
Joy

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Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Part II of our Exercise:

What have you experienced or seen in your clients

and/or yourself as the ac6on tendency or
tendencies of shame (use your own concept of
shame in this moment).

Emo6ons and A]achment

A]achment Importance of Emo6ons:

emo6on and emo6onal signals are the central

organizing forces in in6mate rela6onships.

Essen6al that as therapists we understand how

shame impacts in6macy in secure and insecure
rela6onships; when shame is overwhelming or is
organized and shared.

Emo6on and A]achment

John Bowlbysaw emo6on as the great
communicator. It gives us a felt sense of our
own physiology our gut wisdom.
It connects us with our preferences and
longings.
It links us to others at lightening
speed. (Johnson, 2012)

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Emo6on and A]achment

For Bowlby,
The dance of connec6on and disconnec6on with
loved ones plays a pivotal role in dening who we
are;
Emo6on is the music that organizes this dance and
gives it rhythm and shape.

E6ology of Shame in A]achment

Theory
Indeed, a number of clinical studies reviewed
in Separa+on (e.g., Cain & Fast, 1972) suggest
that defensive exclusion leads to a split in
internal working models. One set of working
models- accessible to awareness and
discussion and based on what a child has been
told-represents the parent as good and the
parents rejec6ng behavior as caused by the
badness of the child, (Bretherton, 1992)

E6ology of Shame, Bowlby

Bowlby saw shame as an adap6ve response in
a young child to a deep emo6onal dilemma:
My caretakers are not available or hurt me; it
could be them (too frightening), so it must be me;
I am awed, I am not lovable enough; I cannot be
enough;
Shame ac6on tendency is to hide a]achment
needs; deny a]achment needs/emo6ons to self
(and others); links to fear vulnerability, exposure

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E6ology of Shame in A]achment

Needs are not met (or needs are responded to
with anger, ooding by parent, etc);
Child has primal emo6onal dilemma;
Are my parents bad for not mee6ng my needs;
or,
Is it me? Am I inherently bad for not having my
needs met.

Shame and A]achment

Our exploration in this workshop:
How to re4lect and contain secondary shame,
explore primary shame gently in stage one
How to heal and transform shame is stage two,
i.e. get to Secure Attachment

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Emo6onal Focus of EFT Work:
Confession Time Exercise: How many of us remain
a li]le (or at 6mes a lot) in6midated or o-
balance in the face of compelling experience of
emo6ons., as put by Sue Johnson, Psychotherapy
Networker, p. 28, May/June 2012
When I know the territory, I feel condent
enough to explore the terrain.
Acceptance Agreement for our 6me together

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Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Emo6onal Focus of EFT

Deeper the emo6onal engagement, experience of

the partners in EFT, the be]er the outcomes.

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

Goal for Us as Therapists in EFT:

If we can become comfortable with the power of

emo6on, it becomes the therapists greatest ally,
rather than a disrup6ve force to be
contained. (Johnson, 2012)

Emo6ons, Shame and EFT

What does it mean,
What does it look like,
How does it feel?
To become familiar with, comfortable with,
and able to recognize, a]end to and help
clients experience, organize and share shame
as a primary emo6on (and accompanying
nega6ve a]ribu6ons of self and closeness).

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It is shame which reveals to me the Others

look and myself at the end of that look
[Sartre, 1943, p. 237].

Shame and Self-as-Therapist

Why its important (research from avoidant
trauma book)
Developing resilience and connec6on/
a]unement
Exercise TOSCA-3S

Shame Dened
Eckman - Sadness, guilt, shame share same facial
expression (easily confused).
Shame (and guilt) more looking away, covering the
face. Looking down and away
Sadness: more looking at, not covering face.

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Shame and Pathology (Example)

Shame in women with borderline personality
Shame is highly correlated with borderline
personality; seen as a central emo6on with BP
Borderline personality in EFT could be seen as an
expression of extreme a]achment anxiety;
Over6me, person unable to get a]achment needs
met: internalizes emo6onally as shame; and
With a nega6ve view of self (shame) and others
(fear)

Extreme Shame
When we can access, regulate and integrate
our emo6ons, they provide an essen6al guide
to living. But emo6ons, like everything, can go
wrongTheyre like best guesses as to what
we should donot sure-re solu6ons says
Stanford psychologist James Gross. Johnson,
2012

Extreme Shame
As Sue says, For be]er or worse, strong
emo6ons tends to restrict our range of
a]en6on.
A nega6ve emo6on like fear can elicit
irra6onal beliefs,
How might shame restrict our range of
a]en6on?
How might shame restrict our range of aect?

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Extreme Shame
Shame may be associated with
Maladap6ve social behaviors
Self-destruc6ve behaviors
Depression
Anxiety
Transforming Shame is a benet of EFT/EFFT
Couples earn secure bond and gain tools to
nd balance so they can share shame.

Shame as Adap6ve
Shame can tells us how we want to be viewed
and how we want to view our self.
Shame as fear that we are not who we want to
be or not seen as we want to be seen.
Shame as rela6onal fear.
Shame as a form of fear tethered to nega6ve
self-evalua6on; it is triggering us to be careful;
to not lose connec6on; to not prompt
rejec6on - Protec6ve of connec6on.

Value of Shame
Shame has adap6ve func6ons; associated with
moral issues, values.

Shame may tell me I am not connected with

someone like I thought; I can reconnect.

Shame may tell me that I am seen dierently

than I thought; I can change my ac6ons so I
am seen more in alignment with my values.

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Value of Shame
Brief brainstorm
Adap6ve quali6es of shame
Without Shame, what happens?

Value of Shame
Some researchers believe shame has a
func6on in a hierarchical mammalian group or
pack
Shame leads to deferral, submission to more
dominant members of the pack
Shame is response to behaving in a way that hurts
the group as a whole

Value of Shame
Shame shared is an intense form of in6macy

Sharing shameful emo6on; nega6ve view of

self can humanize us, expand our partners
understanding of us

Revealing shame in secure rela6onship may

foster, increase bonding; foster deeper trust

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Value of Integra6ng Shame

State of Integra-on - states may conict with
one another, some6me painfully and
confusingly. Need to embrace these states as
healthy dimensions of a layered life - instead
of parts of ourselves we need to reject or
suppress to try to achieve inner stability.

Value of Integra6on
Facing some of our many states is an
essen6al rst step in dieren6a6ng our
mulitple selves.

Value of Integra6on
The key to integra6on is then to embrace
these dis6nc6ons rather than to a]empt to
deny their existence. State integra6on will
release us from pa]erns of shame and terror
that can paralyze us.
Dan Siegal, Mindsight, Page 74

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Shame in Perspec6ve
Shame is universally experienced emo6on,
essen6al to human experience.
It can be painful, terrifying for us, for couples.
In Stage One, we are containing Secondary,
Reac6ve aspects of Shame,
Inevitably we will explore primary shame in
Step 3 to put in the cycle, not heighten

Shame in Perspec6ve
In this workshop, we will heighten some of
the painful aspects of shame in our
discussions.

Shame spectrum emo6ons

Guilt
Humilia6on
Embarrassment
Secondary Shame
Primary Shame

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Neuroscience of Shame
Abuse, neglect, under-s6mula6on and
prolonged shame reduce levels of endorphins,
CRF, and dopamine and increase stress
hormones and noradrenalin. This biochemical
environment inhibits plas6city and creates a
vulnerability to psychopathology. Less
adap6ve aec6ve regula6on.
Pg 86 on building the brain. The neuroscience
of human rela6onships. Cozolino

Neuroscience of Shame
Shame triggers survival response
Limbic system (ight, freeze, ght) ramps up
Avoid Placate -Yell back
Frontal lobes shut down
Soma6c responses
stomach knot look down - Twitch rub hands

Guilt
About behavior or ac6on, not self.
Moves to repair rather than hiding
Guilt when associated with interpersonal guilt,
when elevated and linked to pathogenic
beliefs can be problema6c

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Guilt
Guilt as more:
Incident specic
Not tethered to a nega6ve view of self and others
in interpersonal rela6onships
In secure rela6onships, guilt moves me towards
my partner
To make amends
To reconnect
To hear my impact on them

Dieren6a6ng Guilt From Shame

Guilt as less absorbing, less freezing, hiding.
Guilt prompts move towards the injured or
slighted partner not away
Guilt-prone (versus shame-prone) individuals
may be more likely to:
Less prone to anger, and
More likely to express anger in direct terms.
(Tangney and Dearing)

Dieren6a6ng Guilt from Shame

Might look internally like this:
If guilt as an emo6on triggers the thought, I
made a mistake, I hurt them
State Shame might trigger the thought, I am
bad for what I did, and
Trait shame triggers the thought, I am bad,
awed, broken, etc.

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Humilia6on
To feel suddenly exposed,
To feel exposed in such a
manner as to be less than,
not worthy, not living up to
expecta6ons ( of self and
others) and undeserving of it.
Con6nuum of Humilia6on: In larger society,
within a group, within a close rela6onship.

Embarrassment
Momentary experience of surprise
in a social situa6on. I see
that my zipper is down,
have food in my teeth,
go a bit too far with a joke. Oaen
accompanied with blushing, wan6ng to turn
away. Can be thought of as low-level state
shame for many, but for shame-prone.

Embarrassment vs. Shame

Embarrassment and Shame (Miller, Tangney
1994) their research found they are
Experienced Dierently
Shame
When foreseeable events reveal ones deep-seated aws to
self and others
Oaen engenders disgust, anger and apologies
Embarrassment:
Associated with surprise
Oaen engenders laughter, humor, smiles

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Reac6ve/Secondary Shame
When is shame secondary
ANGER- Defensive is dierent than A]achment
Protest
Hiding other primary emo6on like sadness or fear

State or Trait Shame

As a state:
- normal response to rejec6on or isola6on
- we all have it

As a trait embedded view of self oaen

underlying avoidant a]achment style
Shame proneness
View of Self

Primary and Secondary shame

Since there is shame about shame, it remains

under tabooThe taboo on shame is so
strictthat we behave as if shame does not
exist. (Kaufman, 1996, pg 46)

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Shame Acts as a Secondary Emo6on

Shame organizing tendency, ac6on tendency
to hide, leads to
Hiding of other primary, vulnerable emo6ons.

Shame acts as a Secondary Emo6on

What this Might Look Like:
Fear
I hide my fear of disconnec6on, rejec6on,
abandonment from you
Hurt
I hide my hurt, pain when you cri6cize

Shame acts as a Secondary Emo6on

What this Might Look Like (cont):
Sadness/Sorrow
I hide my longing for you
I hide my grief about our disconnec6on
Shame
I hide my feeling inadequate, small, invisible, unworthy,
unlovable, etc. from you
I hide my vulnerability from you
I hide my shame of shame from you

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Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Shame is experienced and recognized in all
cultures. Experience the same in genders. The
expecta6ons that fuel shame are organized by
gender in NA. (Brown)
There may be cultural, contextual issues
regarding:
Triggers for Shame
Expression of Shame

Shame is a Primary Emo6on

Shame organized by gender in NA
Fueled in women - a web of compe6ng and
conic6ng expecta6ons (appearance and
body image, Brown)

- Fueled in men one big expecta6on -

percep6on of weakness (Brown)

Shame as Primary Emo6on

Expression of Shame is iden6ed across
cultures in studies

Primary non-verbal expressions of shame:

Covering eyes
Looking away
Looking down

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Shame as a Primary Emo6on

What reac6vity looks like with primary shame

Internalized, turning away, hiding

Externalized, pushing away, lashing out at

perceived source of shame, at trigger

Combina6on: Lash out, then hide

Shame as Primary Emo6on

Primary trait shame:

* A view of self as unworthy and/or unlovable

Which are we most likely to discover in a

pursuer? Which in a withdrawer?

Shame as Primary Emo6on

Shame says (shame based drives) Protect you
from me - if you get to me know you will be
disappointed. I could hurt you. Protect me
from rejec6on - Ill just screw it up.
Shame says - if she likes me, something must
be the ma]er with her, how can I forgive her
- or why would I want to be with someone
who wants to be with me? (a]racted to
distance gures (Seigal, Mindsight, p. 128)

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Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Eects of: (trauma, most common)

The emo6on of shame, par6cularly the

absorbing shame, state shame that causes
dicul6es for couples (and therapists)
appears to be correlated with trauma.

Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Ac6on tendency to hide,

inhibits disclosure and repair.

Solu6on to Absorbing Shame in EFT

Shame is always easier to handle, if you have
someone to share it with. - Craig Thompson

My partners acceptance of me, In Your Eyes,

is an an6dote to shame.

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Solu6on to Absorbing Shame in EFT

Couples learn to share shame, like sharing fear,
sadness and joy:

Ability to reveal shame, partner recognizes,

and then I ask for comfort, contact,
reassurance and they respond is the process
goal/the tool to deal with shame.

Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Recognizing:
visual clues,
therapist internal response,
behavior and verbal clues,
soma6c responses (commonly in the stomach
disgust/repulsion, 6ghtness, clenching pain)
Self-disgust/self-hate comments, languaging
Self-depreca6ng, shrinking, denying needs

Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Shame Freeze binds with fear - other will

also feel disgust. Overloads. Shutdown.

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Shame
Shame binds with other a]achment aect/
primary emo6ons
Guilt
Fear
Sadness, loss, grief

Shame as a Primary Emo6on

Shame Bind Isola6on is painful/Exposure
and vulnerability too risky.

Shame in the Nega6ve Cycle

Shame Bind Isola6on is painful/Exposure
and vulnerability too risky.
Partner reads/feels my pulling away as a result
of Shame Bind
Partner protests (cri6cizes)
Cri6cism fuels further nega6ve view of self as
unworthy
Shame bind increases

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Shame in the Nega6ve Cycle

Example of possible dance when Pursuer has
shame when withdrawer distances
Withdrawal is experienced as proving my
being unlovable
React in anger, cri6cize more harshly, pushing
away partner further

Absorbing Shame
Absorbing Shame
Term coined to capture the subjec6ve experience
of a person who may be:
Shame Prone
Shame Aversive
In Nega6ve Cycle with Partner
Lack a secure bond

Absorbing Shame
One view of absorbing shame:

Interpersonal guilt (bad behavior)

+ nega6ve beliefs about self
+ percep6on/experience that others view us
nega6vely
= absorbing shame.

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Absorbing Shame
Shame as an ugly, painful emo6on,
Can have nega6ve impact on interpersonal
behavior,
Shame-prone individuals may be more likely to:
Blame others and self for external events;
More prone to seething, bi]er, resenyul anger and
hos6lity
Less able to empathize with others (when in shame)

Absorbing Shame
Absorbing state shame bind with fear in these ways:

Intense fear; rela6onal fear of abandonment

Fear of rejec6on if seen
Vulnerability, exposure of self/emo6ons is feared

Processing shame in self

Music and Shame (Songs)

Exercise: Exploring our rela6onship with
Shame from early experiences, family
rela6onships, etc.

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Couples Shame
Discussion:

What ways might a couple feel shame as they

arrive for couples therapy?

Couples Shame
Recognizing couple shame about their behaviors
We provide a warm, empathic and valida6ng
emo6onal embrace of the couple in distress.

Of coursethat makes sense to me.

Normalizing their nega6ve cycle

Couples Shame
Shame as an interpersonal emo6on/process:

When I rst began studying shame and guilt, I

had thought that my work would be primarily
concerned with implica6ons for these
emo6ons in psychopathology, par6cularly
depression

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Interpersonal Aspects of Shame

One of the most consistent themes
emerging from virtually ever study in our lab is
that shame and guilt have important and quite
dierent implica6ons for interpersonal
rela6onships. June Price Tangney

Therapist Transparency
Part of a therapeu6c presence relates to
transparency, the therapists willingness to be
seen as a person who can be unsure or
confused at 6mes, rather than an all-knowing
expert. Sue Johnson

Therapist Transparency
It may be helpful to be transparent when working
with absorbing shame:

Emo6onally: Our emo6onal presence, resona6ng

with couples emo6ons (EFT), is comfor6ng and
calming in the face of shame.
Task Alliance/Orien6ng: Some6mes, with very
withdrawn or shame-prone partners, increased
transparency about what we are doing is calming,
slows it down for them.

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Therapist Transparency
Shame-prone, shame-aversive partners or
couples, as oaen is the case with Trauma,
come to therapy fearful of:
Therapists judgments
Will the sessions be safe
Will my partner and therapist blame/shame me
Therapists inten6ons

Therapist Presence
Shame, trauma both call for a strong,
accessible, responsive, and engaged therapist
presence.

ARE you there for me? The couple, the

partners will want to know, Are you there for
me therapist.

Shame Clips
Recognizing shame states

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Recognizing Shame Exercise

Transcript or video exercise

Proneness and Aversion

Proneness: Propensity to experience shame
Aversion: Subjec6ve aversion to emo6on of
shame; and accompanying a]ribu6ons

High levels of shame-proneness associated

with maladap6ve behaviors (Tangney, Wagner,
Gramzow, 1992) in rela6onships

Shame Prone
Research indicates shame in strong
doses(absorbing shame) generates a
painful self-focus Tangney, Dearing 2002
This self-focus, similar to the self-absorb state
associated with depression, blocks empathy
Shame-prone person has primary fear (Bowlby)
and shame blocking bids for connec6on

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Stage One work with Shame

Brief Review of Stage One
Goal of Stage One
How we work with emo6on in Stage One
Importance of A]achment Lens

Step One Alliance

Alliance and assessment: Crea6ng an alliance and delinea6ng

conict issues in the core a]achment struggle.

Therapist Presence is key

Accessible
Responsive
Engaged

Therapist Transparency

Step One - Alliance

Pacing

Scaolding

Openness to feedback; handling angry

reac6ons when exploring feelings.

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Step 1 - Alliance
EFT is Collabora6ve; this is essen6al working
with shame (and trauma):
Collabora6ve means that therapists join clients
wherever they are in their reac6ve rage or numb
indierence and nd a way to validate these
responses before exploring any unopened doors
or alterna6ve angles. (Johnson, 2012)
The more we accept our clients, the more likely
they are to reveal their hidden shame (and more).

Step 1 Alliance
Collabora6on (Con6nued):
Transparency about inten6ons, how model
works, why we are doing what we are doing
may be needed more working with shame
(and trauma)

Step 1 Alliance
Healthy Client Suspicion
A way of thinking about a shame-prone client
coming to therapy

Nega6ve view of self means therapist will think

nega6vely of me and conrm my partners view.

Shame prone partner may be leery; suspec6ng

this therapist is going to make me bada]ack
me, or worse make me cry.

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Alliance Summary
Expect or assume shame is present;
Our presence is key
Be Accessible, Responsive and Engaged
Be Collabora6ve: If you are struggling with
being the above, maybe you expose your own
struggle
Be Transparent
Expect Healthy Client Suspicion about you

Tape of Lilly and Rob

Step 2 Shame in the Cycle

Iden6fy the nega6ve interac6on cycle, and each partners
posi6on in that cycle.
Watching for shame ac6ng as secondary emo6on in
the nega6ve cycle:
Like anger and an insecure bond, shame increases
distance and distress in the nega6ve cycle,
Unlike sadness, hurt, joy, longing: shame may not
soaen or engender curiosity or turning towards
the partner
Shame gloms on to other vulnerable emo6ons;
vulnerability begets shame, shame begets hiding

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Shame in Stage 1
Assessing shame through a]achment lens
Step 2 - Puzng shame in the cycle

Step 2
Shame (as we put it in the cycle resul6ng in hiding)
does not evoke compassion in a non-shameful
partner
its about him

Shame (as we put it in the cycle resul6ng in hiding)

does not evoke connec6on longing in a shameful
partner
Leave me alone

Nega6ve Cycles and Shame

Exercise:
A nega6ve cycle in which one partner experiences
intense, absorbing shame; has nega6ve view of
self as unworthy or unlovable

A nega6ve cycle in which both partners have this

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Shame Cycle Internally

Global nega6ve assessment of self; shame emo6on
Shame leads to hiding, the fear of exposure and pain
sensi6vity can lead to defensiveness/pushing away in
anger;
Experience of others as shaming, or not available for
comfort; dismissal of own a]achment needs/emo6ons
Nega6ve assessment hardens and experience of shame
becomes part of the emo6onal biography;
Not sharing this; or guarded/hos6le presenta6ons lead
to nega6ve feedback from partner
Further fueling shame and nega6ve view of self and
other

Internal Shame Cycle Simplied

Shame evolves into a global nega6ve
assessment of self and self in rela6onship
Global nega6ve assessment is heightened by
the experience of the emo6on of shame;
(pain)
The emo6on of shame conrms the global
nega6ve assessment
I feel bad, therefore I am bad.

Step 3 Accessing Shame

Access unacknowledged emo6ons underlying interac6onal
posi6ons.

Accessing
Enactments

Isola6on is painful
Isola6on that is connected to nega6ve view of
self if shame
Fear, for survival, moves us not to have
repeated painful experiences.

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Accessing Shame
When elici6ng shame in Step 3 it is essen6al
to watch the response of not just the person
experiencing shame, but
Also the partners reac6on/response:
Are the hardening, not soaening
Do they respond dismissively
Are they frustrated, angry, contemptuous roll
their eyes
Or do they soaen, turn towards, look curious,
compassionate

Shame in Stage One The Cycle

Secondary emo6onal aspects of shame:
We watch the partners response to hearing the
others shame; seeing the emo6on shared,
because
This gives indica6on about how much the partner
experiences the others shame as pushing or
pulling their partner away from them
Versus in a more secure partner a soaer, I had no
idea, compassionate, curious response to shame

Shame Results From and

Creates Rela6onal Trauma
Create a Playorm of Safety (each 6me they take a step)
Orient
So, what were doing here
Whats happening here is
Use a]achment frame
Keep it slow A]une provide a tracking
reec6on every 3 - 4 responses

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Reec6ng the Cycle

Shame creates isola6on
Does not like to be seen
Straight reec6ons can increase a sense of
isola6on and being seen nega6vely
Therefore reect with transparency to join and
Stand In The Mirror With
It makes sense to me - Id feel that same way
I really get that - If I were you, I think Id feel

Reec6ng the Cycle

Shame with fear turns to reac6ve anger/
defensive
Ex. TH: You hear your p.s disappointment and
inside you feel bad and sad about that, that turns
into frustra6on and you defend yourself
Cl. P. just always complains. Complains and
complains. I dont.

Step 3 Tips

Processing with Partner

Shame hot potato
Soma6c experience ques6ons
If in withdrawer reect more than evoke

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Stopping the Shame Spiral

Signs of overwhelm
Blank stare (signals dissocia6on/freeze)
Increased agita6on
A]acking the Th.
Playorm
Orient (where came from, present, where going)
A]une (slow)
Wide container (include FOO, other outside stress)
Transparency channel reec6on through Th.

Step 4
Reframe the problem in terms of underlying feelings,
a]achment needs, and nega6ve cycles.

Reframing Shame

As with all in EFT, the essen6al reframe

for Shame would be?

Step 4
The a]achment signicance of shame:

Prac6ce: Finding the a]achment signicance of

shame.

Exercise: How might a couple in Step 4 be talking

about shame in their cycle?

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Shame in Step 4
Couple begins to see how Shame (with fear)
may be fueling
Self-Protec6ve Behaviors
Distance
Exits
Defensive withdrawal

Shame Dicul6es in Stage One

Therapist discomfort with shame:
Denying it, not seeing it or a]ending to shame
Trying to talk client out of shameful emo6on and
view of self and others
Conrming shame

Shame Dicul6es in Stage One

Shame binding with other vulnerable
emo6ons

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Shame and emo6ons that bind to it

Fear, when I feel fear, I feel weak, when I feel
weak, I feel vulnerable, no one ever cared
about my fear, or showed me how to share it
so my FEAR
Triggers Shame:
Something is wrong with me for being afraid,
vulnerable
I shouldnt need someone so much;
I should be stronger;

Shame and emo6ons that bind to it

Sadness:
My sadness about our lack of closeness, my
loneliness, my longing for contact

Shame and emo6ons that bind to it

Hurt/Anguish:
That hurt when she called me that name; or when
he ignored me at the partyBUT,
It feels weak and vulnerable to feel hurt;
Shame comes up,
Deny the hurt
Withdraw and feel it privately; shame pulls me away
from partner

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Shame and emo6ons that bind to it

Joy:
I love spending 6me with him; I feel happy
inside,
Shame comes up; feelings of inadequacy come up
Dont share the joyit would feel embarrassing,
weak, small
Fear might say, they wont return the joy, it wont
ma]er; shame says, Theyll think Im stupid,
small, silly, bad for sharing this joy. It wont last
nothing good lasts for me.

Shame Dicul6es in Stage One

Passing over shame to a partner who is not
responding with compassion, or
Expecta6ons that enactments will create
responsiveness expect when revealing shame
to partner [who experiences shame as secondary
and sees it as fueling the dance], to respond:
Great now its all about you again
Im so 6red of you being ashamed
Why dont you do something about it

Dicul6es in Stage One

The Shame Hot Potato: when both partners
have absorbing shame, then:
One partner goes into step 3, Primary emo6on
and it triggers shame in other person
The other partner accesses primary emo6on
and again, their partner experiences shame in
response

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Dicul6es in Stage One

Shame can block eorts to de-escalate and
move to Stage 2

Oaen arises with a]achment injuries;

injurious partners absorbing shame (with
fear) blocks empathy

Stage One Interven6ons: EFT Basics

Primarily containing shame in Stage One;
empathy, valida6on, put in cycle
First and Foremost:
Basic EFT Interven6ons and
The Stages and Steps of EFT work with Shame

Accessing
Essen6al to allow a partner experiencing
shame to:
Access the feeling without overwhelm; or when
overwhelmed therapist helps them come up for
air
Name the feeling
Experience the emo6on with the therapist as
empathic bridge; acceptance, valida6on from
therapist

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Tracking and Reec6ng the Cycle

Puzng shame in to the cycle:
Help the person, the couple understand the ac6on
tendency of their shame
Gain a felt sense of how shame as an absorbing
emo6on contributes to their cycle

Expanding not Heightening

We want to expand their ability to tap in to
their shame, experience it, so they can
Understand the ac6on tendency
Explore, for some, like trauma6zed clients
they may be hijacked by absorbing shame
when in the cycle; explore this.
Gentle expansion of the experience without
an intense heightening of shame in Stage One

Expanding
Expand only enough to access a]achment
needs that arise with shame:
Acceptance, approval, be gentle with me, tell me I
am a good man, good woman, good partner
This will come back up in Step 5
View of Other
View of Self

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Importance of Partners View

Working with partners shame bound with fear;
tying the emo6on with importance of their
partner:
So, slow downgo deeper in heightening
and focusing the partners importance; when
she seems disappointed, that is so dicult for
you. You feel this sense of shame? Is that
right? Shame that you let her down?

A]achment Longing-Unmet Needs

We are helping them slow down;

Unpack the experience

Example: Shame-prone withdrawer hears cri6cism
from pursuer. They typically go numb or try to placate
(emo6onally distant).

We want them to slow down, go in to the shame and

amplify the underlying a]achment longing: You
dont want to be a disappointment; you want to get
this right.

Joy
Having accessed the longing under the shame
Yes, I want to get it right. The 6mes I have
feel so goodwe feel closer.

Have you been able to tell her this? The way

you are telling me now? How you want to get
it right? That it feels awful when you dont?

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RISSSC
Apply RISSSC when shame arises,
Staying with, focusing on and returning to
emo6on of shame as with other primary
emo6ons;
We track emo6onal responses and develop
them further
With the purpose in Stage One of puzng in to
the Cycle and Seeding the A]achment Lens;
In stage 2 it will arise with fear in Step 5

Empathy and Valida6on

We cannot emphasize enough, with absorbing
shame;
Empathy
Increase the number of reec6ons
Authen6c, emo6onally engaged reec6ons,
reec6on through transparency
Valida6on
Make sense of the emo6on, the shame response

Shame Can Not Survive Empathy

Learned Skill, with these a]ributes:
Can take the perspec6ve of someone else
Suspends Judgment we have to stay out of
judgment
Emo6on - have to have emo6onal connec6on
(able to recognize in self to touch others)
Communica6on - can communicate my
understanding of what someone else is going
through

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Catching Bullets
If you feel so ashamed, then why do you keep
doing this?
Here we go, its going to be all about you
again.
You are just trying to (deect, change the
subject, get out of trouble, make excuses),
Oh, am I supposed to feel sorry for you now.
Other examples people have seen?

Valida6ng Partner Responses

Part of catching bullets, is empathizing and validate
partners responses:

If we understand the ac6on tendency of shame

(to hide/turn away) and fear-bound-shame
(counter-a]ack/defend),

We can understand, have compassion for the

partners bullets or responses to shame in their
spouse

Examples
Of course, you dont want him to be
ashamed. You said that when hes ashamed
he goes away, you cant reach himyou
become angry, upset
That makes sense to me, when she feels
unlovable like this, you cant connectyou are
lea aloneso you tell her to be posi6ve. You
are trying to help her feel be]er, is that right?
But you said she goes in to her shell, right?

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Valida6ng
Brainstorm empathic, valida6ng responses to:

Its always about him, when we talk about the

aair, he says he feels terrible, he says hes
ashamed. Its always that I need to get past it. He
says that its been three years, move
forward. (said with anger)

Valida6ng
Brainstorm empathic, valida6ng responses to:

He says he knows that using porn is wrong and

he feels embarrassed, so why doesnt he just stop.
Why dont you just stop it! Im sick of this. Hes
says hes ashamed, I dont believe it. Its an
excuse. If he was so ashamed he would stop!!!

Valida6ng
Brainstorm empathic, valida6ng response to:

When he gets shameful like this, bea6ng up on

himself like this, it makes things worse!
Therapist: It makes it worse...
Yes, he beats himself up for awhile then he ips it
on me. He takes it out on me and gets mad at me,
puts me down.

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Unbinding Shame
Common experience in EFT:
Partner begins to access, maybe for 1st 6me:
Sadness or fear about distance in rela6onship
Loneliness, their own longing for connec6on
Tears, expression of the sadness, longing
Oaen will turn towards partner, looking at them; or
looking at the therapist (in a highly reac6ve cycle)
Followed by looking away, covering eyes
Shame response, binding to the sadness, turning away

Unbinding Shame
As we discussed shame may bind to other
emo6ons
1) Iden6fy presence of shame; along with
other primary emo6on or emo6ons
2) In Step 3, shame arises and we unpack it,
unbind it from other vulnerable emo6ons,
look at its ac6on tendencies and help couple
see, get a felt sense of how it helps fuel the
nega6ve dance.

Unbinding
Example with Sadness and Shame:
May ask person to:
Stay with me, tell me what happens when you
tear up, you looked sad/lonely/longing/grief
Yes, feel sad, weve been distant so long, this
cycle, its kept us apart for so long, but I know its
my fault (looks down again).
What is happening as you look away?
shame, ashamed

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Unbinding
1) Slow down the process (good EFT).
2) Remember, absorbing shame is compelling;
the urge to pull away, hide or exit in to anger
will be strong in the client.
3) Emo6onal Frame: Client has two primary
emo6ons arising (such as with shame).
4) Facilitate/evoke expression of both emo6ons

Unbinding
5) Therapist must be right beside client
emo6onally; naming and observing the
movement from one vulnerable emo6on (fear/
sadness/longing/hurt/grief) to another
vulnerable emo6on shame).

Or unpacking fear from shame fear of her

rejec6ng you the pain you feel when you feel
worthy of being rejected.

Unbinding
6) Ac6on tendency work:
- The tears, the sadness makes you want
to? (move towards, share, comfort)
- The shame makes you want to? (hide)
7) Enlist their aid in helping you by telling you
when they feel shame come up with other
emo6ons (this can be very helpful in
containing secondary shame in Stage One)

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Sadness, Longing
As shame is explored, understood,
experienced more by the partner,
Oaen their sadness, grief about the distance
felt over 6me emerges.
With this their felt longing for connec6on, for
their partner emerges.
Heighten to access underlying a]achment
needs

Fear as organizing
Finally, we remember that in the face of
absorbing shame,
Shame Hot Potato Dances,
Find the Bad Guy fueled by shame, etc.

Fear is the organizing emo6on;

Access the fear in step 3; dont get lost in the
shame or try to resolve shame in Stage One

Stage 2
There are, in fact, no more important
communica6ons between one human being
and another than those expressed
emo6onally, and no informa6on more vital for
construc6on and reconstruc6ng working
models of self and other than informa6on
about how each feels towards the other.
John Bowlby, 1988

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Stage 2: Good News

Good news: The an6dote to shame in EFT is
Bonding Events.
Good news: We dont have to do anything
dierent to heal shame.
Good news: The loving full acceptance of self
by partner is the an6dote to shame.
Good news: Stage 2 and the steps oers a
roadmap to addressing shame through fear

Stage 2
We contained secondary shame, stage 1, some
explora6on of primary shame and put it in to
the cycle.
Stage 2 get to look at partners face, see the
sadness, love and comfort to shia view of self
and have a more secure experience with
a]achment gure.

Stage 2
Fear (resul6ng in hiding or freezing) evokes compassion and
connec6on
Ex. youre afraid P. wont like this part of you that feels unlovable
Ex. you lose yourself when this shame comes up, you get afraid
its true, that you are unlovable
(From Stage 1)
Shame/hiding does not evoke compassion its about him in a
non-shameful partner
Shame/hiding does not evoke connec6on longing Leave me
alone in a shameful partner

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Shame in Stage 2
Shame will arise with fear in step 5
Process the fear of reaching in soaenings
(withdrawer and pursuer soaenings)
Shame will come up in view of other and
View of self

Evoca6ve Responding
Evoca6ve Responding
Helps clients iden6fy where they feel an
emo6on in the body most;
Shame is oaen (but not always) in the
stomach or solar plexus area
Fear is oaen in the chest and throat

Empathic Conjecture
Reect the experience and the cycle
Helps client nd words
Lets them experience your empathy
youre with them
Reduces being on the spot and gezng it
wrong
Requests closeness and understanding that
challenges their working model

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Never Comes the Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dzRdyC0abA
Songwriters: JUSTIN HAYWARD
Work away today, work away tomorrow.
Never comes the day for my love and me.
I feel her gently sighing as the evening slips away.
If only you knew whats inside of me now you wouldnt want to know
me somehow, but you will love me tonight, we alone will be
alright, in the end.
Give just a little bit more, take a little bit less, from each other tonight,
admit what youre feeling and see whats in front of you, Its never
out of your sight. You know its true. We all know its true.
Work away today, think about tomorrow never comes the day for my
love and me. I feel her gently signing as the evening slips away. If
only you knew whats inside of me now you wouldnt want to
know me somehow, but you will love me tonight, we alone will be
alright, in the end.
Give just a little bit more take a little bit less from each other tonight
admit what youre feeling and see whats in front of you, its never
out of your sight. you know its true, we all know that its true.

Sue on Shame
S: What stands out for me in this session.
First, I connect with the partners and
outline their negative pattern in specific
concrete terms. We then move into unpacking
the attack panic that underlies Johns moves
in the dance with Julia. He snaps, he shuts
down. When I ask him to share his emerging
emotional reality with Julia, he has to
confront his fear that to share such
vulnerabilities will mean that he will be
seen as a wimp. I find this sense of shame
over attachment needs and fears is very
common and has to be actively countered by
the EFT therapist. !

Sue on Shame
It is a typical EFT intervention to titrate
the risk involved in sharing vulnerabilities
by first asking John to share how hard it is
to even begin to talk about these matters
with his wife. He can then go a little deeper
and confide a little more while I work to
help make his experience a little more
concrete and coherent. I then process how
Johns new messages impact Julia. She touches
how scared she is to let herself hope and
perhaps be hurt even more than before. I
encourage her to share this with John. Both
partners range of emotions begins to expand
here, and both take significant risks,
revealing new aspects of self to the other.

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Step 5: Staying in the Moment

Can you look at him, ground yourself to him
as you share this feeling.
What do you see in her/his eyes right
now. (love, acceptance, smiling, etc)
Of course, that makes sense to me, when you
feel this way (shame), you want to:
Go in to the cycle, exit

Step 5
Promote iden6ca6on with disowned a]achment emo6ons, needs
and aspects of self, and integrate these into rela6onship interac6ons.
We contain reactive anger and secondary shame. Contain primary
shame when exit. STOP them direct to look at partners face.
They push partner away when the partner offers caring, they cant
trust the caring.

Talk about fears of self, and (Step 6) promote other to comfort.

Exp of more secure connection.

Isolation and desperation never have secure attachment always

in a role if you believe youre unacceptable. Violation by
attachment figure. The source of the prob. Most potent source
FOO violation, with the body and your longing for attachment.
Love and longing becomes toxic and bad because of the mix.

Step 5
Fear..."arguably the first emotion,
orginates from the reptillian brain's
startle response" -- A General Theory
of Love by Lewis, Amini, and Lannon

FEAR has more primacy than sadness

- organizes responses - use it to crack
open shame and foster partner
acceptance.

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Stage 2
At Step 5
When coping breaks down it can be drama6c
If so, expect a vulnerability hangover
What have I done (fear of exposing vulnerability)
Whats the ma]er with me (shame for having vulnerability)
I dont want to go there again (re-appraisal ac6on tendency)
Enactments: process them to support and normalize
the vulnerability

Step 6
Promote acceptance of the other partners experiences and
new interac6onal responses.

Helping partner stay with the others shame

and fear as it arises
The vulnerability of exposing view of other
and view of self
The emo6onal congruence
Prompts partners a]achment response to:
Soothe, comfort, connect

Step 5, 6, 7
In secure rela6onship:
Shame is more readily revealed and
Receiving partner more readily recognizes shame as a
vulnerable emo6on in their partner
As shame is revealed, the deeper need for
acceptance/approval arises, and
Partner experiencing shame can make a clear,
coherent request for valida6on from a vulnerable
emo6onal place
Priming a soothing a]achment response (comfort,
contact, reassurance, care).

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Stage 2 Step 6
Promote acceptance of the other partners experiences and
new interac6onal responses.

Promote acceptance
Non-acceptance (Example video - Julia)
Distancing ex: I feel so bad for him
Non-acceptance ex: I hate that
Past or future comes up
Instruc6ng, problem solving or cheerleading response
precedes compassion or empathy ex: You shouldnt
feel that way, its not true.

Step 6
Markers for acceptance
Here and now response
Compassion, Empathy or Understanding
feeling connected to through the
disclosure.

Resolving Shame Video

Becca SLC Shame

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Shame and A]achment Injury

State shame or guilt

A]achment Injury work

1. Injured partner ar6culates injury & impact
Never Again!
2. Injured partner integrates narra6ve and
emo6on and accesses a]achment fears and
longings associated with injury event.
3. Other understands signicance of the event
and acknowledges the partners pain and
suering.

A]achment Injury Work

4. Injured partner moves toward a more integrated
ar6cula6on of the injury and 6es it to a]achment
bond.
5. Other acknowledges responsibility and
empathically engages.
6. Injured partner asks for repara6ve comfort &
caring
7. Bonding event which is an an6dote to the
trauma6c experience. Rela6onship is redened
as a safe haven.

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Empathy emerges as Shame Resolves

Shame is absorbing and pulls me away; as
shame resolves (as in A]achment Injury Work)
and moves to more manageable, incident
related levels (less global assessment);
My ability to empathize with your pain, hurt,
fears increases.

Regret emerges as shame resolves

So much loss/grief years of aloneness as the
shame doesnt allow for emo6onal connec6on
and comfort, feelings that proximity (avoidant
style) doesnt provide.

Client quote:
[I regret] every-6me in my life when I didnt
express my love because I didnt want to show
my vulnerability.

Shame and Addic6on

Coping Strategies Used to Defend Against
Shame

Roles of Shame and Guilt in maintaining and

changing unwanted prac6ces

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Shame and Trauma

In order to be empathically attuned, one must be able to "take in the other" (just
their facial expressions to start). Well, actually, one takes in the other's facial
expression automatically, unconsciously. This process actives our mirror neurons
which route through the limbic system, we simulate the facial expression we see
in the other automatically, and then feel the emotion that is evoked inside of us as
our own face changes. This is an incredibly brief description of neural processes
behind attunement.

With a trauma survivor, often the world and/or the other aren't safe. While
automatically simulating the other's facial expression, it will be interpreted more
quickly and more negatively than a non-trauma survivor. So, attunement is very
risky when the other and/or the world aren't safe and my inner-experience is
shaky and/or doesn't feel good.

So, we slow down these moments of triggers and process the triggers first. It's so
risky for a trauma survivor to let themselves feel vulnerable that we've got to
process the triggers first, how it is to be vulnerable (which requires feeling some
safety at least with therapist in session), and then, later, be able to start to
imagine empathic attunement.
Kathryn Rheem

References
The Prac6ce of Emo6onally Focused Couple
Therapy. Johnson, 2004
Emo6onally Focused Couple Therapy with
Trauma Survivors. Johnson, 2002
A Secure Base. Bowlby, 1988.
Shame in the Therapy Hour. Dearing & Tangney.
2011
Shame and Guilt. Tangey & Dearing. 2002.
Connec6ons: A 12-Session Psychoeduca6onal
Shame-Resilience Curriculum. Brown. 2009
Trauma and the Avoidant Client: A]achment-
Based Strategies for Healing. R. Muller, 2010

References (cont.)
Shame: Interpersonal Behavior,
Psychopathology and Culture. Gilbert and
Andrews, 1998.
The Psychology of Shame: Theory and
Treatment of Shame-Based Syndromes 2nd Ed
Kaufman, 1996
Aect Regula6on and the Origin of the Self.
Schore, 1994

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