Attack of the 1985 Chicago Bears

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Genres: Comedy, Action-Adventure, Kung Fu

Logline: "In this parody of low budget movies, the city of

Green Bay, Wisconsin is attacked by the 1985 Chicago Bears,
who have been living underground ever since their victory in
Super Bowl XX."

Run Time: 80-85 minutes

Budget: Low

Copyright 2017
INT. ROOM - DAY
A NARRATOR (male, 40) is seated.

NARRATOR
(to camera)
Greetings, my friend. The United
States is a country. With places.
And remember my friend, that you
live in a place, and other people
also live in a place. You are
interested in things. That is why
you are here. And this is a tale,
my friend, of things, and two
places, two cities, a tale of two
cities, and the things taking place
in those two cities, my friend.
Everything were about to show you,
my friend, actually happened, or is
about to happen, or is maybe
neither of those two things, my
friend. So this story, my friend,
starts in one of the two cities.
Chicago, Illinois. My friend.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET - DAY

Three MEN (20-40) are doing a musical number.
3 MEN
Chicago / Windy city and deep dish
pizza / Chicago / Muddy Watters and
Polish people / Chicago / Deep dish
pizza and windy city / Chicago
/ Sometimes we say dum dum ditty

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

JOE (40) is sitting on a sofa, and holding a block of
cheese.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, in Green Bay, Wisconsin.
Joe takes a bite of the cheese block.
MARLA (40) enters.

MARLA
Honey. How about tomorrow, we watch
that new Eddie Murphy movie?
 2.

JOE
Dont be silly, Marla. I have to
watch the Green Bay Packers play
football tomorrow.

MARLA
Well. The game ends at 3. We can
watch the movie at 8:30.
JOE
Honey. Weve been married for
several years. You should know by
now that on Packers game day, I
have to spend many, many hours
watching the postgame stuff and
drinking beer. I wont be done by
8:30.

MARLA
Fine. By the way--Im pregnant.
JOE
Great.

He stands up and puts up his hand.

JOE
High five.

She unenthusiastically puts up her hand, and he high fives

it.
He sits down.

JOE
Man. I cant wait for the game
tomorrow. The Packers are playing.
Im a fan of the Packers. Packers
rule, bro!

MARLA
Maybe we can watch the movie at 10
oclock.
JOE
Marla. Dont be silly. I have to
spend all Sunday on the Packers.
MARLA
Well. Maybe while youre busy with
that, Ill have sex with your
cousin.
 3.

JOE
What?
MARLA
Nevermind.

She leaves.
JOE
Now Im gonna play fantasy
football.

He take an iPhone out of his pocket and starts typing on it.

JOE
Who should I start this week at
quarterback? Aaron Rodgers, or Don
Majkowski? Im going with Aaron
Rodgers, bro.
(types on his iPhone)
OK. Thats one of my fantasy teams.
Ive got 122 other ones.

His cell phone rings.

JOE
(into phone)
Hello?

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE - DAY

A TELEMARKETER is on the phone.
TELEMARKETER
Hello, sir. This is AT&T.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

JOE
Hi. Fuck you.
He hangs up the phone.
JOE
(to himself)
Whats with my wife and all that
Eddie Murphy stuff she was saying?
I gotta watch the Packers
tomorrow. I havent missed a
Packers game in 41 years. And keep
in mind that Im 40 years old. When
(MORE)
 4.

JOE (contd)
my mother was pregnant with me, she
watched every single Packers game,
and she pressed her stomach up to
the TV.

His cell phone rings again. He looks at the screen and

answers the call.
JOE
Hey. ... Uh. Yeah. I cant really
talk to you right now, because my
wife is in the other room, and you
know how that is. ... Yeah. OK.
Ill talk to you later,Sally, my
girlfriend, whos not my wife.

He puts away the phone, and then takes another bite of the
cheese block.

INT. DON MAJKOWSKIS - HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

DON MAJKOWSKI (50) is sitting on the sofa watching TV. He

hears the doorbell ring, and he gets up and opens the door
to reveal a DELIVERY MAN holding a box.
DELIVERY MAN
Delivery for Don Majkowski.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Im Don Majkowski.

INT. CHICAGO PIZZERIA - DAY

A PIZZA EMPLOYEE (male, 40) is working behind the counter.
There are several PEOPLE eating pizza in the restaurant.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, in Chicago.
The MAYOR (55) enters.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE
Hey. Youre the mayor of Chicago.

MAYOR
Thats true. Im the mayor of
Chicago.
 5.

PIZZA EMPLOYEE
What can I get you? Let me guess.
Chicago deep dish pizza.
MAYOR
Damn straight.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE
OK, Mayor of Chicago. One Chicago
deep dish pizza. Itll be ready in
five minutes.

The Mayor walks away and sits down.

PIZZA EMPLOYEE 2 (male, 40) walks up to PIZZA EMPLOYEE 1.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE 2
I got another order for Chicago
deep dish pizza, from that
underground place that keeps on
ordering Chicago deep dish pizza,
and they keep on ordering them.

PIZZA EMPLOYEE
I wonder who those people are, who
live down there, underground, and
order 35 deep dish pizzas a day,
who I wonder who they are down
there, I wonder.

PIZZA EMPLOYEE 2
Yeah. I wonder who they are.
(notices the Mayor)
Hey. Is that the Mayor of Chicago?

PIZZA EMPLOYEE
Yeah.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE 2
I didnt vote for him. I dont like
his stance on the environment.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE
Whats his stance on the
environment?

PIZZA EMPLOYEE 2
Hes pro environment. Im
anti-environment.
(lights a cigarette and starts
smoking it)
Damn environment. With all its
trees and skies and whatever.
 6.

Pizza Employee 2 walks up to the Mayor of Chicago and

punches him in the face.

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

An EMPLOYEE (male, 30) is working behind the counter.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, in Green Bay.

A CUSTOMER (female, 30) puts a giant block of cheese on the

counter.
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
$20.25.

She hands him a $20 bill and a quarter, and then takes the
cheese and walks out.
A few seconds later, AARON RODGERS enters. He walks over to
a roll of paper towels, and holds it like its a football.

AARON RODGERS
Blue 18. Blue 18. Hut, Hut. Hike!
He throws the roll of paper towels at the Employee. The
Employee catches it.

CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE

Hey. Youre Aaron Rodgers.
AARON RODGERS
Thats true.

Aaron Rodgers breaks into a song and dance number.

AARON RODGERS
Im Aaron Rodgers / Im Aaron
Rodgers / I play for the Packers
and not the Dodgers / I used to be
a backup for Brett Favre / Then I
took over when he was gone / Ive
passed for yards and even more
yards / And lots of yards, and also
yards / Im a cheesehead,
baby--Green Bay cheese / Ive
passed for yards, also lots of
yards.
A shirtless ROBBER enters and walks up to the Employee and
points a gun at him.
 7.

ROBBER
This is a robbery!
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
No shoes, no shirt, no service.
ROBBER
I dont want service, asshole! I
want you to empty the register!

Aaron Rodgers walks up to the Robber and kicks the gun out
of his hand.
ROBBER
Aaron Rodgers!

He gets in a fighting stance. They have a ridiculous kung fu

fight, and Aaron Rodgers ends up roundhouse kicking the man
in the head and knocking him out.
AARON RODGERS
(to the unconscious Robber)
(imitating Dolemite)
Aaron Rodgers is my name, and
messing up money-chuckers is my
game!
(back to normal voice)
And also football. Thats my other
game. Take notes, bro. Type that on
your iPhone.
(reaches into the Robbers
pocket, pulls out his iPhone,
and drops it on the mans
stomach)
(imitating Dolemite)
You rat-soup-eating, insecure
convenience store robbing double
dutcher!

He turns to the Employee.

CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
Thanks, Aaron Rodgers.

AARON RODGERS
No problem.
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
(holds up the paper towels
that Aaron Rodgers threw to
him earlier)
One roll of Bounty. Thatll be
$1.83.
 8.

AARON RODGERS
Do you accept cash?
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
Yes.

Aaron Rodgers takes a bunch of bills and coins out of his

pocket, and hands them to the Employee.
AARON RODGERS
OK. Heres cash.

The Employee hands him back one bill and one coin.
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
OK. Heres change.

A MAN enters the store.

CONVENIENCE STORE MAN
Hey. Youre Aaron Rodgers.
AARON RODGERS
Thats true. You want me to sing
and dance about it?
CONVENIENCE STORE MAN
... Not really.

Aaron Rodgers looks at the Robber, who is still unconscious.

He punches the Robber in the face, and then leaves the
store.
DON MAJKOWSKI (50) enters.

CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE

Hey. Are you Don Majkowski?
DON MAJKOWSKI
Yeah. Im Don Majkowski. Do you
guys have Rolaids?
CONVENIENCE STORE EMPLOYEE
Aisle 4.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET - DAY

The Three Men from before are standing outside, eating
Chicago deep dish pizza.
 9.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, back in Chicago.
CHICAGO MAN 1
Man. This Chicago deep dish pizza
is good.

CHICAGO MAN 2
Damn straight. You know, one time I
was in New York, and I had New York
thin crust pizza.

CHICAGO MAN 3
Thin crust pizza? You jivin.
CHICAGO MAN 2
No. Im not jivin. I had New York
thin crust pizza. I prefer Chicago
deep dish pizza. New York is
stupid.
CHICAGO MAN 1
Yeah. And so is Green Bay,
our divisional rivals. Im from
Chicago.
CHICAGO MAN 2
Me, too.

CHICAGO MAN 3
Me, too. Say. What ever happened to
the 1985 Chicago Bears?
CHICAGO MAN 1
I dont know. I mean, they won the
Super Bowl, Super Bowl 20, and then
they just disappeared.
CHICAGO MAN 2
Yeah. Thats true. I wonder what
happened to them.
CHICAGO MAN 3
Yeah. I mean, they disappeared
right after they won the Super
Bowl. Super Bowl 20. I dont know
what happened to them.
CHICAGO MAN 1
I dont know what happened to them
either.
 10.

CHICAGO MAN 2
Me neither.
CHICAGO MAN 3
... Me neither.

The camera begins to pan down below the street, and through
layers of the earth.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
What happened to them is that after
they won the Super Bowl, they went
underground, in the semi-cryogenic
under-crust of the earth. And
thats where the 1985 Chicago Bears
have been for the last three
decades.

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY

MIKE SINGLETARY (30, big, black), JIM MCMAHON (30, white,
wears tinted sunglasses), and REFRIGERATOR PERRY (30, very
big, Samoan) are playing five card draw poker.
Mike Singletary turns over his cards.
MIKE SINGLETARY
I got two pair. Aces and sevens.

Jim McMahon turns over his cards.

JIM MCMAHON
I got three pair. Eights and fours
and Jacks.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
You cant have three pair, Jim
McMahon, quarterback of the 1985
Chicago Bears.

JIM MCMAHON
Why cant I have three pair,
Refrigerator Perry, Defensive
Tackle of the 1985 Chicago Bears?

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Because, Jim McMahon. Math.
JIM MCMAHON
Math? Whats that, Refrigerator
Perry?
 11.

Refrigerator Perry walks up to a chalkboard and grabs a

piece of chalk.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(writes "2")
A pair is two cards.
(writes "3" next to the 2)
You said you have three pair.
(puts a divided by symbol
between the two numbers)
Two divided by three, four times
nine, bubblegum, pi equals
(writes "3.14159")
3.14158.
MIKE SINGLETARY
What the hell are you talking
about, Refrigerator Perry? Pi is
equal to 3.14159. You sound
ignorant when you say 3.14158.
JIM MCMAHON
What about the rest of what he
said?
MIKE SINGLETARY
I dont know. Its probably
bullshit, too.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
You know what else is bullshit,
Mike Singletary, linebacker for the
1985 Chicago Bears? Your brain.
Your brain is bullshit.

JIM MCMAHON
Where the hell is Sweetness,
running back for the 1985 Chicago
Bears? Hes supposed to get us more
pizza.

SWEETNESS (male, 35, black, jherri curl hairstyle, mustache)

enters holding five boxes of pizza.
SWEETNESS
Yo. Im Sweetness. I got more
pizza. And Im running back for the
1985 Chicago Bears.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Chicago deep dish pizza?
 12.

SWEETNESS
Of course Chicago deep dish pizza.
After all--were the 1985 Chicago
Bears.

He does picks up a jump rope and skips rope for ten seconds,
He stops skipping rope.
SWEETNESS
And our divisional rivals are
the Green Bay Packers.

MIKE SINGLETARY
I hate those mother truckers.
JIM MCMAHON
I hate them, too. Theyre the
cheesehead team. I hate cheese.
MIKE SINGLETARY
But we eat pizza seven times a day.
JIM MCMAHON
So?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Pizza is made of cheese.
JIM MCMAHON
Well. I still hate cheese--unless
pizza. If pizza, then cheese good.
If no pizza, then cheese no good.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah. I think.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Well think again, Refrigerator
Perry!

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
You trying to fight me, bro?!
MIKE SINGLETARY
Absolutely.

The fight for 20 seconds, and then stop and eat pizza.
JIM MCMAHONS WIFE (30) enters.
JIM MCMAHON
(to the Bears)

(MORE)
 13.

JIM MCMAHON (contd)

Oh. Its my wife, who also lives
underground with us, as do your
wives.

JIM MCMAHONS WIFE

Let me ask you a question Jim
McMahon, my husband, and
quarterback for the 1985 Chicago
Bears. Are you done hanging out
with your friends and eating pizza
and playing poker?
JIM MCMAHON
No.
JIM MCMAHONS WIFE
Fine.
She leaves.
JIM MCMAHON
Women. Cant live with them, cant
live without them. Because theyre
fucking whores.
Long pause
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
You know, Ive been thinking. Weve
been underground since winning the
Super Bowl in 1985, or 1986
actually, since the Super Bowl was
in January 1986, after our 1985
regular season. I think now its
time.
SWEETNESS
Time for what, Refrigerator Perry?

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Time for us to attack.
JIM MCMAHON
Yeah.

They get up and do a rap song and dance.

EVERYONE
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack
 14.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I refrigerate, front and back
/ Its time to attack / I
masturbate, twice a week / Its
time to attack

EVERYONE
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack
JIM MCMAHON
I am the quarterback / Its time to
attack / Eat deep dish pizza, no
Big Mac / Its time to attack / The
sky is blue, ask Fu Man Chu / Its
time to attack / I wear tinted
glasses, and I throw passes / Its
time to attack
EVERYONE
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack

SWEETNESS
They call me Sweetness, not Bitter
Jack / Its time to attack / Im
sweet like sugar, do not smoke
crack / Its time to attack

EVERYONE
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack
MIKE SINGLETARY
Im Singletary, and I get sacks
/ Its time to attack / In 2008, I
voted for Buh-rack / Its time to
attack / But not because he is a
black / Its time to attack / I
beat the shit out of people / Its
time to attack
EVERYONE
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack

The music stops.

MIKE SINGLETARY
Man. Im hungry.
 15.

JIM MCMAHON
I have an idea. Ill order ten
Chicago deep dish pizzas.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Good idea. We can eat those ten
pizzas.

EXT. CHICAGO STREET - EARLY EVENING

The Three Men are still standing on the sidewalk. Its windy
outside.
CHICAGO MAN 1
Say, man. Its starting to get
windy.

CHICAGO MAN 2
This is the windy city. Chicago.
CHICAGO MAN 3
Damn straight.

The wind sends them running and tumbling down the sidewalk.

INT. BAR - DAY

Joe and PHIL (40) are seated at a counter and drinking beer.
15 other MEN are also in the bar.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The following day, in Green Bay.

A BARTENDER (35) hands them each a plate with a cheese

sandwich on it.
They take a bite of their sandwiches.

JOE
Man. These cheese sandwiches are
good. And beer.
PHIL
Absolutely.

A MAN sits down next to Phil.

MAN AT BAR
(to Phil)
Let me ask you a question, Phil.
Are you the worlds foremost expert
(MORE)
 16.

MAN AT BAR (contd)

on the Green Bay Packers, the way
everyone says you are?
PHIL
Absolutely, Man at Bar. I know more
about the Packers than Lorenzo de
Fettuccine knew about pasta.
MAN AT BAR
... You think Aaron Rodgers is
gonna throw 20 touchdowns today?
PHIL
At least 20.
The Man gets up and walks away.

He walks back and sits down again.

MAN AT BAR
Lorenzo de Fettuccine?

Man at Bar stares at Phil for a few seconds, and then gets
up and walks away.
Theres a TV on in the bar.
PHIL
The game is starting.
JOE
Yeah.

COMMENTATOR (ON TV)

And its the first play of the game
after the kickoff. Aaron Rodgers
drops back to pass, and he throws a
99 yard touchdown!

JOE
Yeah! Aaron Rodgers.
PHIL
Thats some good football playing
right there.

JOE
Yeah. Fuck yeah!
PHIL
This is probably the best Green Bay
Packers team of all time, ever
(MORE)
 17.

PHIL (contd)
since the Green Bay Packers became
a team in the year 1919 when Earl
"Curly" Lambeau and George Whitney
Calhoun founded the Green Bay
Packers, and Lambeau named them the
Packers when his employer, the
Indian Packing Company, gave him
$500 for uniforms and equipment as
a payment, in exchange for him
naming the team the Packers, after
the Indian Packing Company.
JOE
Yeah. The Packers kick ass! Aaron
Rodgers rules!

PHIL
Yeah, bro! Green Bay Packers!
They smash bottles of beer over each others heads.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

A bunch of Factory Workers are working on cheese.
They get up and do a song and dance number.

FACTORY WORKERS
Were the Green Bay Cheese Company
/ Were the Green Bay Cheese
Company / We make cheese / In a
company / We make cheese / In a
company / Cheese on top and cheese
on bottom / Many cheeses we have
got em / Cheese over here and
cheese over there / The Green bay
Cheese Company

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM 2 - DAY

COACH DITKA (50) is drinking whiskey straight out of a
bottle.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, back in Chicago.
Refrigerator Perry enters.
 18.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Coach Ditka.

COACH DITKA
What is it, Refrigerator Perry?
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Its time to attack.

COACH DITKA
Damn right. Its time to attack.
(drinks some whiskey)
Which way is Green Bay?
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Well. According to my iPhone, Green
Bay is
(points)
200 miles that way.
COACH DITKA
How the hell do you have an iPhone?
(drinks some whiskey)
Weve been underground for the past
three decades.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Right. But we have iPhones--and we
use them to do stuff like order
pizza. You have an iPhone,
too--only you use it mainly to beat
people over the head.

Coach Ditka drinks more whiskey.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Coach Ditka. I think its time for
you to do something about your
alcohol drinking habit. I mean, you
drink two bottles of whiskey a day.
That means...
(long pause)
...youre an alcoholic.

COACH DITKA
Hey. Spare me the lecture
Refrigerator Perry, defensive
tackle for the 1985 Chicago Bears.
I drink whiskey because Im
thirsty. Im not an alcoholic. I
just
like hydration. Especially when
the hydration is 80 proof alcohol.
 19.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Im just saying, Coach Ditka. Two
bottles...
(long pause)
...is a lot of bottles.
COACH DITKA
Two bottles is a lot of kiss my
ass! OK? You just focus on
attacking Green Bay! Ill focus on
my ass! Which you can kiss, if you
dont shut your mouth about
whiskey!
Ditka breaks into a song and dance number.

COACH DITKA
I am the coach, front and back
/ Its time to attack
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I refrigerate, front and back
/ Its time to attack
BOTH OF THEM
Its time to attack / Its time to
attack

Jim McMahon enters.

JIM MCMAHON
I was thinking. Before we attack,
you know what we should do?

COACH DITKA
What? Drink?
JIM MCMAHON
No, Coach Ditka. We should
train. You shouldnt drink so much.
COACH DITKA
Shut your damn pie hole, McMahon!
But, yeah. I agree that we need to
train.

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY

(A montage begins)

The Bears are doing jumping jacks.

(cut to later)
 20.

The Bears are scratching their backs with backscratchers.

(cut to later)
The Bears are eating pizza.

(cut to later)
The Bears are drinking beer.
(cut to later)

-- repeat everything (the jumping jacks, backscratching,

etc.) twice ---
(end montage)

Sweetness is doing push ups.

JIM MCMAHON
Dude. What are you doing?
SWEETNESS
Push ups.
JIM MCMAHON
Why?
SWEETNESS
You know. Im training.
Refrigerator Perry is smoking a cigarette.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Bro. Calm down. Were football
players--not professional trainers.

Coach Ditka enters.

COACH DITKA
Enough training. Lets go to Green
Bay.

INT. GREEN BAY BAR - DAY

Joe and Phil are still watching the game on TV.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Later, in Green Bay.
 21.

ANNOUNCER (ON TV)

And theres the end of our
highlights from the game. A game
that the Packers won. They were
fueled by Aaron Rodgers, who threw
for 1400 yards and 22 touchdowns.
JOE
Man. Aaron Rodgers really threw for
a lot of yards.

PHIL
I know. His arm must be tired from
all of that yards-throwing he did
today.
JOE
He definitely did a lot of
yards-throwing.
PHIL
Yeah.

JOE
Wait a second. Did you hear
something?
PHIL
I dont think so. What?

JOE
It sounded like... Refrigerator
Perry.

PHIL
(question)
Refrigerator Perry, defensive
tackle for the 1985 Chicago Bears,
that team that we hate, since were
fans of the Green Bay Packers, the
team that was founded in the year
1919 when Earl "Curly" Lambeau and
George Whitney Calhoun founded the
Green Bay Packers, and Lambeau
named them the Packers when his
employer, the Indian Packing
Company, gave him $500 for uniforms
and equipment as a payment, in
exchange for him naming the team
the Packers, after the Indian
Packing Company?
 22.

JOE
Exactly.
PHIL
But how could that be Refrigerator
Perry? I mean, he and the 1985
Chicago Bears disappeared after
winning Super Bowl 20.
JOE
Im telling you, bro. That sounded
like Refrigerator Perry.
Joe snorts some cocaine.
PHIL
I dont know, man. But maybe it
was.
Phil also snorts some cocaine.
PHIL
Green Bay rules! Aaron Rodgers!

They smash bottles of beer over each others heads.

JOE
Did you hear that?

PHIL
What?
JOE
It sounded like Refrigerator Perry.

PHIL
It did?
JOE
I dont like hearing noises.
Especially when there arent
supposed to be any.
PHIL
Yeah. Well. Maybe its the cocaine
thats making you hear things.

JOE
Its not the cocaine, Phil. Its
Refrigerator Perry. I think hes a
few miles away, like, maybe near
that other bar in Green Bay.
 23.

INT. GREEN BAY BAR 2 - DAY

Aaron Rodgers is finishing a glass of beer, while BARTENDER
2 stands near him behind the counter.
AARON RODGERS
This is the other bar in Green Bay.
BARTENDER 2
Yeah. Thats true, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers finished the glass of beer.

BARTENDER 2
How about another beer? On the
house.

AARON RODGERS
Ill definitely take another beer.
But Im paying for it. Because
Packers. But first, Im gonna go
outside and rest my arm. I mean, I
did a lot of yards-throwing
today--so Im gonna go outside and
rest my arm.
BARTENDER 2
While youre resting your arm, are
you also gonna smoke cigarettes?

AARON RODGERS
Hey. I dont smoke cigarettes.
Cigarettes decrease
your cardiovascular fitness by 2%.
If I smoked cigarettes, Id only
pass for 21 touchdowns a game,
instead of 22 touchdowns a game.
Cigarettes are for suckas. Just say
no to smoking. ... Heroin is OK,
though.

He takes out a needle and injects himself with heroin.

AARON RODGERS
Heroin doesnt decrease your
cardiovascular fitness. Just say no
to cigarettes.
 24.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

(Repeat the Green Bay Cheese Company from before, but remix
the song)

EXT. GREEN BAY BAR 2 - DAY

Aaron Rodgers is standing outside.
AARON RODGERS
Im resting my arm.
A MAN (30) walks up to Aaron Rodgers and stands in a karate
stance. Aaron Rodgers gets into a karate stance, and the two
men begin fighting. Ten seconds into the fight, Aaron
Rodgers lands a roundhouse kick that knocks the Man out.

A WOMAN (30) walks up to Aaron Rodgers.

WOMAN
Who was that guy?

AARON RODGERS
He works for me. I hire people to
just walk up to me and fight me.
Thats how I train for football,
and for life. And now Im gonna pay
this guy his fighting fee. $200.73.

He takes two $100 bills out of his wallet and drops them on
the now unconscious man. He then grabs some change out of
his pocket and throws it all at the man.
WOMAN
Oh. OK.
She walks away.
The Bears and Coach Ditka start walking towards Aaron
Rodgers. Refrigerator Perry is holding a sack.

MIKE SINGLETARY
(chanting)
Quarterback sack / Quarterback sack
/ The Chicago Bears are on the
attack
AARON RODGERS
What the hell? You guys arent my
employees that fight me because I
pay them.
 25.

MIKE SINGLETARY
No shit, Sherlock.
JIM MCMAHON
His name isnt Sherlock. Its Aaron
Rodgers.

MIKE SINGLETARY
No shit, Jim McMahon.
(to Refrigerator Perry)
OK. Heres the plan, Refrigerator
Perry. Ill tackle Aaron Rodgers,
and then you put him in the sack
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Why dont you put him in the sack?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Because. Im gonna tackle him.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Well, maybe Ill tackle him, and
youll put him in the sack.

MIKE SINGLETARY
I want to tackle him.
SWEETNESS
Why dont both of you tackle him?

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Well, even if we do, whos gonna
put him in the sack?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Whatever, man. Lets just start
with step one, and tackle this
dude.
AARON RODGERS
(imitating Dolemite)
Youre gonna have to take me!
Aaron Rodgers has a ridiculous Doletime style kung fu fight
with Refrigerator Perry and Mike Singletary. 20 seconds into
it, Refrigerator Perry and Mike Singletary start to win the
fight, and then grab Aaron Rodgers--but Rodgers squeezes his
way out and starts running. For some reason, hes now
holding a football.
JIM MCMAHON
Hey. Hes running away.
 26.

Mike Singletary and Refrigerator Perry chase Aaron Rodgers.

Mike Singletary is three times as fast as Refrigerator
Perry. Mike Singletary tackles Aaron Rodgers and holds him
down. Refrigerator Perry keeps on running--and ten seconds
later, he reaches them and joins in on the tackle.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(to Mike Singletary)
OK. We tackled him. Whos gonna put
him in the sack?

MIKE SINGLETARY
Motherluncher--Im the one who
tackled him. You slow, jive ass
turkey. Now you put him in the
sack.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(to Jim McMahon)
why dont you put him in the sack,
Jim McMahon?
JIM MCMAHON
(thinks for a long time)
Because I play offense--not
defense.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Fine. Whatever. Ill put him in a
sack.
COACH DITKA
Put Rodgers in a sack, and lets
go!

EXT. CHICAGO STREET (OTHER SECTION) - DAY

Don Majkowski is playing dice with a DICE PLAYER. A MAN
walks up to them.

MAN
Hey. Are you Don Majkowski?
DON MAJKOWSKI
Yes Im Don Majkowski. Whats your
point?
 27.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Aaron Rodgers in a closed burlap sack thats on the
sidewalk. We cant see him through the sack.
Several feet away, Mike Singletary and Refrigerator Perry
are pushing a dolly down the street. Theres a large, see
through sack of potatoes on the dolly. Ditka, Sweetness, and
Jim McMahon are walking with them. Everyones smoking
cigarettes, and Ditka is also drinking from an almost
finished bottle of whiskey.

JIM MCMAHON
Alright. We got Rodgers in a sack.
Lets put him in our van.
MIKE SINGLETARY
(examines the sack)
Wait a second! We got the wrong
sack. This is a sack of
potatoes--not a sack of Aaron
Rodgers.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Whatever, man. What difference does
it make?
MIKE SINGLETARY
The difference is that one is an
All Pro quarterback, and the other
can be eaten with butter and sour
cream.
SWEETNESS
(spots the other sack)
Theres the sack of Aaron Rodgers.
(Later)
Refrigerator Perry and Mike Singletary are now pushing the
dolly containing the Aaron Rodgers sack and the potato sack.
Everyone continues to smoke, and Mike Ditka also continues
to drink whiskey.
MIKE DITKA
Alright. Now we got the right sack.
We got both sacks. The potatoes,
and Aaron Rodgers.
JIM MCMAHON
I like potatoes. Theyre delicious.
 28.

AARON RODGERS
Are you guys smoking?

MIKE SINGLETARY
Of course were smoking, Aaron
Rodgers. We smoke after every play.
AARON RODGERS
You shouldnt smoke. Smoking
reduces your cardiovascular
capacity by 2%.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Were football players--not
cardiology players. We dont need
no damn cardiovascular capacity.
(to Coach Ditka)
Coach Ditka. Maybe you shouldnt
drink so much.
COACH DITKA
Maybe you should kiss my ass.
Ditka finishes the bottle and throws it at a wall.
A POLICE OFFICER (male, 40) walks up to the group.

POLICE OFFICER
Uh. What are you guys doing?
JIM MCMAHON
Were smoking.

Coach Ditka takes another bottle of whiskey out of his

pocket, opens it, and drinks a quarter of it all at once.
COACH DITKA
(to Police Officer)
And were drinking.
POLICE OFFICER
I was referring to the sack on the
dolly. Whats in that sack?

MIKE SINGLETARY
Potatoes.
AARON RODGERS
Its me. Aaron Rodgers.

POLICE OFFICER
(to Everyone Else)
You guys got Aaron Rodgers in a
sack?
 29.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
No, officer. The first sack is
potatoes. And the second sack is,
uh, my cousin Ed. Hes crazy. He
thinks hes Aaron Rodgers. Were
gonna take him to the sanitarium.
POLICE OFFICER
Oh. Good. You better. We cant have
people in Green Bay who think
theyre Aaron Rodgers if theyre
not Aaron Rodgers. There should
only be one person in Green Bay who
thinks hes Aaron Rodgers. And that
one person is Aaron Rodgers. And do
you know who that one person is?
Its Aaron Rodgers.
JIM MCMAHON
That makes sense.

POLICE OFFICER
Say, guys. Can I have a cigarette?
AARON RODGERS
Dude. Cigarettes reduce
your cardiovascular capacity by
2%. You should inject heroin
instead.
POLICE OFFICER
I didnt ask for your opinion, Ed.

AARON RODGERS
Im Aaron Rodgers.
POLICE OFFICER
No youre not, mugger-trucker.

He pepper sprays the sack, and then pauses and walks away.
The Bears continue walking and pushing the dolly.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Where the hell did we park?
SWEETNESS
On 5th Street, man.
(points)
Theres our van.

He takes a mustache comb out of his pocket and combs his

mustache. Coach Ditka is still holding the whiskey
bottle--only now its almost finished.
 30.

COACH DITKA
OK, guys. Load Rodgers in the van.
Well take him underground to our
new lair in Green Bay.
(finishes the whiskey, and
then throws the bottle at a
wall)
But first, lets go rob a liquor
store and take all of their
whiskey.

SWEETNESS
How about we take half of their
whiskey instead, Coach Ditka? I
mean, I really dont think you
should be drinking so much....

COACH DITKA
All their whiskey, Sweetness! All
of it!
One block away, Marla is walking with Joes cousin HARRY
(35).

MARLA
So. What do you want to do now?
Have sex again?

HARRY
Probably.
MARLA
Isnt it interesting how youre my
husbands cousin, and were having
an affair where we have
sexual intercourse?
HARRY
Yeah, baby. Its interesting.

MARLA
So. When should we have sexual
intercourse next?
HARRY
How about in 127 minutes?

MARLA
Yeah. By the way--Im pregnant, and
the baby might be yours.
 31.

HARRY
Oh.
(puts up his hand)
High five.

She unenthusiastically high fives him.

Two blocks away, Joe is walking with his girlfriend SALLY
(30).
JOE
Lets walk that way. After all, my
wife hangs out on that other block
a lot--and I wouldnt want her to
see me cheating on her.
SALLY
Wow. Youre a really good husband,
Joe.
They kiss.
JOE
Yeah. I am a really good husband. I
mean, I really go out of my way to
not get caught cheating on my wife.
Because I dont want to hurt my
wifes feelings. And also because I
want to sleep with other women,
like you, and some of the other
dumb blondes that Im sleeping
with.
SALLY
Wait a second. Are you saying that
Im a dumb blonde?
JOE
No. By the way--whats fifteen plus
two?

SALLY
Um. You mean when youre using a
toaster, or when youre using a
microwave?

JOE
Exactly.
Joes phone rings.
 32.

JOE
Thats my iPhones special ring
tone. I got to take this.
SALLY
Does that ring tone mean your wife
is calling?
JOE
No. Of course not. Who cares about
my wife? All women are whores. That
ring tone means ESPN just put out
some new news about the Packers.
He takes out his cell phone.
ESPN ANCHOR (ON CELL PHONE)
And in Packers news, Aaron Rodgers
was literally sacked outside of a
bar in Green Bay. According to a
witness, someone tackled Aaron
Rodgers, put him in a sack, and
kidnapped him. The police currently
have Sandra Bullock in custody, and
theyre questioning her about the
incident.
JOE
Did you hear that? Aaron Rodgers
was kidnapped.
SALLY
Right. Thats, um, that sucks. So,
you want to go to my place?

JOE
Sally. Dont be silly. I have to
find Aaron Rodgers first before I
have sex with you.

SALLY
Oh. Right. How silly of me.
JOE
Everyone knows its bros and/or
Packers before hos.

SALLY
Are you saying Im a ho? Im not a
ho, Joe.
 33.

JOE
Its an expression, Sally.

SALLY
Right. Wow. You really are a good
Packers fan.
JOE
(on phone)
Phil. Meet me outside of that
place.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

(Repeat the Green Bay Cheese Company scene, but remix the
song)

INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY

The Bears and Ditka are in a small liquor store with one
CLERK (male, 25). Ditka takes a bottle of whiskey to the
Clerk. Aaron Rodgers is still in a closed sack thats on a
dolly.
COACH DITKA
How much is this liquor?
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
20 bucks.

COACH DITKA
No its not, dickhead. Were
robbing this liquor store. Because
thats how we do things. Isnt that
right, guys?

MIKE SINGLETARY
Coach. I really think you should
try to cut down on the drinking. I
mean, who the hell drinks two
bottles of whiskey a day?

COACH DITKA
Alcohol is the preferred beverage
of good Americans like me and
George Washington. And by alcohol,
I mean whiskey, and not vodka,
which is the preferred drink of all
of those communists in the Soviet
Union. Damn Soviets. We gotta stop
the Soviet Union. Theyre taking
over the world.
 34.

LIQUOR STORE CLERK

Um. The Soviet Union disbanded.
COACH DITKA
When the hell did that happen?

LIQUOR STORE CLERK

In the 80s.
COACH DITKA
Which year in the 80s? 1993?

LIQUOR STORE CLERK

Um. I dont know which year in the
80s. Probably not 1993.
JIM MCMAHON
Ill Google the year on my iPhone.
COACH DITKA
Again with that iPhone Google
bullshit! I dont believe in
Google.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
You can use Google to learn stuff.
COACH DITKA
Learning? Only fags are interested
in learning. Im interested in
football. And my mustache.
AARON RODGERS
I had a mustache during the 2011
season.

COACH DITKA
Nobody asked you, Aaron Rodgers.
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
Whos in the sack?
MIKE SINGLETARY
My crazy cousin Ed.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I thought he was my crazy cousin
Ed.
COACH DITKA
The point is, hes not Aaron
Rodgers.
 35.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Joe and Phil are examining the sidewalks with magnifying
glasses.
JOE
Have you found anything yet?
PHIL
No. Not yet.

JOE
Me neither.
He snorts some cocaine.
JOE
Wait. Did you hear that?
PHIL
Hear what?
JOE
That thing. I think it was
Refrigerator Perry.
PHIL
Dude. I dont get it. How the fuck
do you hear Refrigerator Perry?

JOE
It sounds like hes nearby, and he
just got into a van. I can also
hear some potatoes.

PHIL
Good for you, Joe. You hear
potatoes, you freaking lunatic.
JOE
Im telling you--I hear potatoes.
And Refrigerator Perry. Wait a
second! Maybe theres a connection
between Refrigerator Perry, and
Aaron Rodgerss kidnapping.

Phil snorts some cocaine.

PHIL
I dont know. Maybe youre right.
He snorts more cocaine.
 36.

PHIL
Yeah. Youre probably right.

INT. DON MAJKOWSKIS - HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Don Majkowski is eating a sandwich and watching TV. His WIFE

enters.
DON MAJKOWSKIS WIFE
Hey. Youre Don Majkowski.

DON MAJKOWSKI
Yeah. Im your husband.
DON MAJKOWSKIS WIFE
Right. Yeah. My husband. Don
Majkowski.

INT. GREEN BAY UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY

Aaron Rodgers is tied to a chair. The Bears are standing
near him.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
So now were in another lair thats
underground, but its underground
under Green Bay, instead of
underground under Chicago. And we
have Aaron Rodgers here, tied to a
chair. Aint that right, Aaron
Rodgers?
AARON RODGERS
Dude--you guys are out of your
minds.
MIKE SINGLETARY
If were out of our minds, then how
come weve been living underground
for the last three decades?
AARON RODGERS
Thats a fantastic question. How
come youve been living underground
for the past three decades?
JIM MCMAHON
(to Everyone)
What the hell is this jive ass
turkey talking about?
 37.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I dont know. Were the 1985
Chicago Bears. We won Super Bowl
20.

AARON RODGERS
I won Super Bowl 45.
JIM MCMAHON
But we won the main one. Were the
earthquake. Youre the aftershock.

Coach Ditka enters.

AARON RODGERS
(to Jim McMahon)
Um. I dont see how that makes
sense.
COACH DITKA
Kiss my ass.
The Bears break into a song and dance number.

BEARS
Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss Ditkas ass
/ Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss Ditkas
ass

MIKE SINGLETARY
Were the 1985 Chicago Bears
/ Were the President, Governor,
and the Mayor
SWEETNESS
Sometimes we run and sometimes we
pass / The Packers better kiss
coach Ditkas ass
BEARS
Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss Ditkas
ass / Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss
Ditkas ass.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I refrigerate, front and back / The
85 Bears are on the attack / In
first place, and not in last / The
Packers better kiss coach Ditkas
ass
 38.

BEARS
Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss Ditkas ass
/ Kiss Ditkas ass / Kiss Ditkas
ass

Ditka is drinking whiskey straight out of a bottle.

MIKE SINGLETARY
(not singing anymore)
Coach Ditka. Do you really have to
drink that much whiskey?

COACH DITKA
Hey. Kiss my ass, Singletary.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Kiss my ass, Ditka!

INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY

POLICE OFFICER 2 (male, 30) is interviewing the Liquor Store
Clerk.

POLICE OFFICER 2
So. Your store got robbed.
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
Yeah. We got robbed.

POLICE OFFICER 2
By who?
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
I dont know. There was this black
dude, and a white guy with a
mustache, and this other white
dude, and this Asian guy, and some
black guy with a mustache. I think
it was Sandra Bullock.

POLICE OFFICER 2
Which one was Sandra Bullock?
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
All five of them.
 39.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Joe and Phil are examining the sidewalk.
JOE
This is refrigerator coolant. Now I
know for sure that Refrigerator
Perry was here, and probably also
the rest of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
Im not just hearing things on
account of my cocaine usage.

PHIL
Then, uh, they really are here in
Green Bay?
JOE
I thought you were already
convinced of that!
PHIL
I dont know. ... Yeah. I wasnt
sure at first. But now Im sure.

JOE
Theyre here, and they mean
business.
PHIL
Well. Do you think they mean
business?
JOE
Of course they mean business. They
got Rodgers.

His phone rings. He looks at the screen.

JOE
Thats my girlfriend. She keeps on
calling me, even though Im in the
middle of an important mission. I
think I might have to break up with
her.
PHIL
Yeah. Because its Packers before
hos.
JOE
Hey. My girlfriend is not a ho.
 40.

PHIL
Its just an expression.
JOE
Right. Yeah.
(on phone)
Hey. ... Well. Im doing some
Packers related stuff right now.
... Well. I appreciate the fact
that you menstruate, and youre
describing which part of the
menstrual cycle youre in right
now. But, I think we should break
up. You know. Since Im married.
... Interesting. OK. Bye.
PHIL
What did she say?
JOE
I dont know. I kind of tuned her
out after she started talking about
her period.

INT. GREEN BAY UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY

Rodgers and the Bears

AARON RODGERS
(imitating Doletime)
Untie me and let me pass, or else
youll be pulling my Nikes out your
Chicago-loving ass!

JIM MCMAHON
Uh. No.
AARON RODGERS
I dont get the point of this
mission of yours, the 1985 Chicago
Bears. Youre just hanging out
underground, and youre gonna get
the other Packers. Whats the
point?

JIM MCMAHON
Dude. What the hell are you talking
about?
Mike Singletary is holding his phone.
 41.

MIKE SINGLETARY
How many pizzas should I order?
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I dont know.
(to Aaron Rodgers)
Like, what kind of pizza do they
have here in Green Bay?
AARON RODGERS
I dont know. Pizza Hut.

MIKE SINGLETARY
Motherflanker--the 1985 Chicago
Bears dont eat Pizza Hut.
SWEETNESS
Does Pizza Hut even have deep dish
pizza?
He drops down and does ten push ups, and then gets up and
combs his mustache.

AARON RODGERS
Well. Theres a pizzeria in town
called Old Chicagos. I think they
have deep dish pizza.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Green Bay has a pizzeria called Old
Chicagos!? Thats an insult to
Chicago!
SWEETNESS
Yeah!
Sweetness breaks into a song and dance.
SWEETNESS
If you want to party harder / Every
day just save your dollars / Save,
save, save save your dollars
/ Save, save, save save your
dollars / Save, save, save save
your dollars / Save, save, save
save your dollars

He stops singing and dancing.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
That song wasnt really relevant to
anything.
 42.

SWEETNESS
I know. I just felt like dancing.
Coach Ditka is now drinking whiskey straight out of a
bottle.

COACH DITKA
I just thought of a new play.
(walks up to the chalkboard )
Well have the running back
(draws a Jewish star)
do some running
(draws a tic tac toe board
next to the star)
and then the X receiver
(draws three Xs vertically in
the tic tac toe boxes)
will whatever,
(draws a circle with the
number 3.14157 in it)
and then hell do-see-do
(draws a straight line through
the Xs)
with the halfback.
MIKE SINGLETARY
What the hell are you talking
about, Coach Ditka? You wrote
3.14157--but the value of pi is
3.14159.
AARON RODGERS
Is that your only criticism of the
play? What about the other stuff he
said?

MIKE SINGLETARY
I dont know. Its probably
bullshit, too.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Marla is seated and talking to her friend BETHANY (35).
MARLA
Im telling you, Bethany--men are
idiots. I mean, any time you tell
them that youre pregnant with
their baby, they high five you.
 43.

BETHANY
Um. Yeah. I guess. I mean, sort of.

MARLA
I dont know whose baby this is. It
could be Joes. But then again, it
could be Harrys.
BETHANY
Wow.
MARLA
Yeah. Totally. Wow.
BETHANY
Is it Joes or Harrys.
MARLA
I dont know.
BETHANY
Yeah. Thats interesting. ... You
know who I dont like? Mexicans.
MARLA
Oh. Youre racist?

BETHANY
Yeah. Im racist.
MARLA
Racism is bad.

BETHANY
Oh. Well then, I guess I wont be
racist. I like Mexicans.

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Joe and Phil are standing next to the POLICE CHIEF (male,
50) and POLICE OFFICER 3 (male, 35).
JOE
Im telling you. Its the 1985
Chicago Bears.
POLICE CHIEF
That doesnt make any sense. Why
the hell would the 1985 Chicago
Bears take Aaron Rodgers? Thats
stupid. Its obviously Sandra
Bullock. We already got our
suspect. Sandra Bullock.
 44.

JOE
Sandra Bullock doesnt have a
motive to put Aaron Rodgers in a
sack.

POLICE CHIEF
What the fuck is a motive?
POLICE OFFICER 3
Chief. I think its one of those
crime investigation thingies where
you analyze semen.
POLICE CHIEF
(to Joe)
Listen. I know youre a really big
Packers fan and all. But what you
need to understand is that this
case has absolutely nothing to do
with semen.
PHIL
I disagree.

JOE
(to Police Chief)
The point is, theres no reason why
Sandra Bullock would want to put
Aaron Rodgers in a sack.

POLICE CHIEF
Reason? Listen, buddy. When I
perform an investigation, I dont
look for reasons. I dont believe
in reasons.
JOE
Well do you have evidence pointing
to Sandra Bullock?

POLICE CHIEF
Evidence? I dont believe in
evidence, either.
JOE
Well then what do you believe in?

POLICE CHIEF
I believe in good old fashioned
police work.
 45.

JOE
Listen, bro. I found refrigerator
coolant on the street. Sandra
Bullock doesnt leave refrigerator
coolant on the street.

POLICE OFFICER 3
Well what does she leave on the
street?
JOE
I dont know. Probably menstrual
blood. Sandra Bullock leaves
menstrual blood on the street.
PHIL
She might not, Joe. I mean, shes
in her early 50s. She might not
menstruate anymore.
POLICE CHIEF
Shes in her early 50s?

PHIL
Yeah.
POLICE OFFICER 3
You know whats weird. A lot of the
women I want to have sex with most
are, like, in their 50s. They
probably dont menstruate.
POLICE CHIEF
Whats weird about that?

POLICE OFFICER 3
Well. You know. Its like, people
say that you find a woman
attractive because you perceive her
as, like, fertile, and you want to
impregnate her. And yet, here I am
finding all these 50 or 60 year old
women attractive, even though
theyre impregnable. I actually
prefer the 50 something Sandra
Bullock to the 20 something Sandra
Bullock.
POLICE CHIEF
That is interesting.
 46.

POLICE OFFICER 3
It makes you wonder about the whole
theory of evolution. I mean, if
were all about survival and
procreation, like Darwin said, then
how come so many men are so
attracted to women who are,
like, postmenopausal.
POLICE CHIEF
I dont know. It only goes to show
you that Darwin was gay.
POLICE OFFICER 3
Yeah. I guess so. He was probably
gay.

POLICE CHIEF
Yeah. I dont believe in evolution.
My grandfather was not a monkey.
Nor was he gay. My grandfather
wasnt gay, or a monkey, or a gay
monkey.

POLICE OFFICER 3
Yeah. Ditto.
JOE
Okay. Well. sorry to interrupt your
fascinating discussion on
evolutionary biology--but can we
please focus on the muckerfluffing
Aaron Rodgers case?! I found
refrigerator coolant. Refrigerator
Perry leaves refrigerator coolant.
Go Packers.
POLICE CHIEF
Listen. I agree with you that "go
Packers." But we solved the
case--OK? Sandra Bullock is in
custody. And as soon as we
interrogate her for another 150
hours, shell tell us where she hid
Aaron Rodgers.
JOE
Its not Sandra Bullock. Sandra
Bullock is a nice girl.
POLICE OFFICER 3
Anyone can seem nice before 150
hours of interrogation. But after
(MORE)
 47.

POLICE OFFICER 3 (contd)

150 hours of interrogation, maybe
that bitch wont seem so nice
anymore.
JOE
Are you gonna go hunt down the 1985
Chicago Bears or not?

POLICE CHIEF
No!
JOE
Well then. I guess were gonna have
to hunt them down ourselves.

POLICE OFFICER 4 (male, 35) walks up to them.

POLICE OFFICER 4
Chief. Henderson just talked to the
dude whose liquor store was robbed.
Guess who robbed it?
POLICE CHIEF
Who?
POLICE OFFICER 4
Sandra Bullock.
POLICE CHIEF
I knew it! She kidnapped Rodgers,
and she robbed the liquor store.
Lets go interrogate her some more.

INT. GREEN BAY UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY

Ditka, Rodgers, and the Bears, minus Sweetness

COACH DITKA
OK. Weve got Rodgers. But, thats
not enough. Were the 1985 Chicago
Bears. We play like champions. In
other words, we have to kidnap more
Packers.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Im hungry.

COACH DITKA
Well whoop-di--do, Refrigerator
Perry!
 48.

JIM MCMAHON
Im hungry, too.
COACH DITKA
Shut your damn mouth, McMahon!
Well eat after we decide which
Packer were gonna go after next.
MIKE SINGLETARY
How about Clay Mathews?

COACH DITKA
OK. Good idea. Now lets eat!
Wheres Sweetness? He was supposed
to get us some meatball sandwiches.
Sweetness enters holding a tray of sandwiches.

SWEETNESS
I got the meatball sandwiches.
COACH DITKA
Alright. Good play. Someone slap
Sweetness on the ass, to indicate
that he made a good play.
JIM MCMAHON
Can we just give him a high five
instead?

COACH DITKA
Were the 1985 Chicago Bears! We
dont high five. We slap asses. Now
someone go slap Sweetnesss ass.

Ditka drinks whiskey out of a bottle.

EXT. POLICE STATION - DAY

Joe and Phil are standing outside of the police station.

JOE
I guess were gonna have to go Bear
hunting ourselves. No police, no
nothing! Just two Packers fans, two
brains, two bags of cocaine.
They both take a bag of cocaine out of their pockets, and
snort some cocaine.
 49.

PHIL
I dont know, man. I think maybe
Sandra Bullock did it.

JOE
Phil! Its not Sandra Bullock--OK?!
Its the 85 Bears.
PHIL
Right. Yeah.
(snorts some more coke)
Its the 85 Bears.
JOE
We gotta track them down and get
back Rodgers before next Sundays
game.
PHIL
Well. I mean, that game is a week
from now. We dont have to rush or
anything.
JOE
Thats true. Lets go to the bar
and watch the postgame analysis.

INT. BAR - DAY

Joe and Phil are drinking beer and watching TV.
ANALYST (ON TV)
I think the Packers are gonna make
it to the Super Bowl, and win that
game 42 to 3.
JOE
This guys an idiot. The Packers
are gonna win the Super Bowl 55 to
nothing. Not 42 to 3.
ANALYST (ON TV)
And now heres a postgame interview
of Packers receiver Art Lomarando.
JOE
Why arent they interviewing Aaron
Rodgers?

PHIL
Because Aaron Rodgers was kidnapped
by the 85 Bears and/or Sandra
Bullock.
 50.

JOE
Right. Yeah. You know what? We
gotta get Rodgers back now, so he
can do interviews and stuff.

PHIL
Yeah.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Don Majkowski is walking. A MAN walks up to him.

MAN
Say. Are you Don Majkowski?
DON MAJKOWSKI
No.

INT. HARRYS APARTMENT - DAY

Harry and Marla are smoking cigarettes.

MARLA
Harry. I dont get why you like to
smoke cigarettes before sex. Arent
we supposed to smoke cigarettes
after sex?

HARRY
Its not like thats a rule or
something.
MARLA
Well. It might not be as rule. But
its a pretty good guideline.
HARRY
Its better to smoke before sex.
That way, well save money on
cigarettes.
MARLA
How do you figure?
HARRY
Well. I guess youre right. Touche.
But, whatever.
MARLA
Whatever.
 51.

HARRY
You know what I bought yesterday? A
plate.
MARLA
A plate?
HARRY
Yeah. Plate. Im gonna use it to
eat food on.

MARLA
Well. OK.
HARRY
I think Im gonna eat breakfast on
it. Maybe lunch. Maybe dinner.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Phil and Joe and examining the sidewalk with magnifying
glasses.

JOE
OK. Look for more refrigerator
coolant.
PHIL
Um. Im not sure this is best
strategy for finding the Bears.
He notices a MAN (30) walking down the street.
JOE
Hey. That guy looks suspicious.
Maybe he knows something.
Joe walks up to the Man.

JOE
Hey. You look suspicious. Maybe you
know something.
The Man gets in a karate stance. Joe gets in a karate
stance. Joe and the Man have a kung fu fight.
 52.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET (DIFFERENT SECTION) - DAY

The Bears and Ditka see CLAY MATHEWS jogging.
JIM MCMAHON
Theres Clay Mathews.

COACH DITKA
What the hell is he doing?
SWEETNESS
Uh. I think hes jogging.
COACH DITKA
Why?
SWEETNESS
You know. For exercise.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Why would a football player jog for
exercise?

JIM MCMAHON
The Packers do a lot of weird
things. They even eat cheese.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Damn it, Jim McMahon. We eat
cheese, too. As in, pizza.
JIM MCMAHON
You get my point.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Is your point that youre an idiot?
JIM MCMAHON
Most likely.

COACH DITKA
OK. Run the play I drew up. The one
where you guys tackle Clay Mathews
and put him in a sack.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Fine. But can someone please tell
lunatic Clay Mathews to stop
jogging, so we can tackle him?
MIKE SINGLETARY
We cant just tell him to stop
jogging. Thats not how football
(MORE)
 53.

MIKE SINGLETARY (contd)

works. What we need to do is get
back in our van, and then drive up
to him, and then tackle him.

JIM MCMAHON
Or how about instead of that, we
use quicksand on him?
MIKE SINGLETARY
I dont think so, Jim McMahon.

JIM MCMAHON
Why dont you think so?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Because. This isnt an episode of
Looney Toons and Merry Melodies.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY (LATER)

The Bears are in their van. Sweetness is driving. They make
their way up to several feet ahead of where Clay Matthews is
jogging, and Sweetness pulls over. Refrigerator Perry and
Mike Singletary get out of the van and tackle Clay Matthews.

MIKE SINGLETARY
(to Refrigerator Perry)
Wheres the sack?
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
We just got the sack. We sacked
Clay Matthews.
MIKE SINGLETARY
No. I meant wheres the item--the
sack?

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I didnt bring it.
Coach Ditka walks out of the van holding a sack.
COACH DITKA
Heres the sack! Now put this guy
in the sack and lets go.
 54.

INT. GREEN BAY UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY

The Bears are using rope to tie Clay Matthews to a chair.
Arron Rodgers is tied to a chair nearby, but theres a bag
over his head. The Bears finish tying Clay Matthews to a
chair, and then walk out of the room.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Uh. Hey.

AARON RODGERS
Hey.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Whats going on, bro?

AARON RODGERS
Clay Matthews?
CLAY MATTHEWS
Yeah.

AARON RODGERS
Its me. Aaron Rodgers.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Wait a second. That voice sounds
familiar.
AARON RODGERS
Yeah. It should. I just told you.
Im Aaron Rodgers.

CLAY MATTHEWS
Your voice sounds really familiar.
I think I know you from somewhere.
Are you Joe Montana?
AARON RODGERS
No. Im Aaron Rodgers.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Wait. Let me guess again. Are
you Aaron Rodgers?

AARON RODGERS
Yes, muggerplugger! I just told you
three times. Im Aaron Rodgers.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Yeah. I thought I recognized your
voice. You know, its weird seeing
you here. I didnt know you shopped
at this Walmart.
 55.

AARON RODGERS
This isnt a Walmart, Clay.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Im pretty sure it is. Thats why
they took me here in a sack.
AARON RODGERS
They kidnapped you.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Oh. That would explain the sack.

INT. HARRYS APARTMENT - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR (ON TV)
Welcome back to Green Bay News. The
Green Bay Police Department just
reported that another Green Bay
player has been kidnapped in a
sack. This time its Green Bay
Packers linebacker Clay Matthews.
Sandra Bullock is currently being
questioned about her involvement in
the kidnapping.
Marla and Harry are watching TV.

HARRY
So. When are we gonna have sex
again?
MARLA
Damn it, Harry. Is that all you
ever think about?
HARRY
No. Of course not. Its 99% of what
I think about.

MARLA
Whats the other 1%?
HARRY
Like, how come nobody makes pockets
with zippers on them? Thats the
other 1% I think about. You know? I
mean, it make sense to have zippers
on your pockets, so you can zip up
your pockets. But no one makes
pockets with zippers on them. They
dont. So, uh, do you want to have
sex now?
 56.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Joe and Phil are walking. Joe is blowing a duck whistle.
PHIL
Dude. Were looking for the 1985
Chicago Bears--not the 1985 Chicago
Ducks.
Joe walks up to a Man

JOE
Excuse me. Have you seen
Refrigerator Perry, or any
other member of the
1985 Chicago Bears?

NEWSSTAND OPERATOR
Um. Well. Lets see. I believe I
saw Joe Montana here a few hours
ago.
JOE
Joe Montana didnt play for the
1985 Chicago Bears, asshole.
MAN 2 walks up to Joe.
MAN
Hey. Are you guys looking for the
1985 Chicago Bears?
JOE
Yes. Were looking for the 1985
Chicago Bears.
MAN
Well. I believe I spotted the 1985
Chicago Bears.

JOE
Where?
MAN
Were what?

JOE
Where did you spot the 1985 Chicago
Bears, dipshit?
MAN
They were walking on the street. It
was either the 85 Bears, or Sandra
(MORE)
 57.

MAN (contd)
Bullock. Yeah. I saw her or them
walking, not long after Aaron
Rodgers passed for 3204 yards in
todays game.

PHIL
Hey. He passed for 3207 yards.
MAN
No. I believe he passed for 3204
yards.
PHIL
Listen, bro. We watched the game
and the postgame stuff, and we
looked up the stats. 3207 yards.

MAN
3204.
They fight for 30 seconds. They stop fighting.

PHIL
So, can you tell us anything else
about the Bears?
MAN
Well. They play football. By the
way--Rodgers passed for 3204 yards.
JOE
3207!

MAN
No.
Joe and the Man fight.
[Later]

Joe and Phil are walking.

JOE
That was a good fight.

PHIL
Absolutely.
They both snort cocaine.
 58.

JOE
What was the fight about?
PHIL
I dont know. Something to do with
Aaron Rodgers.

JOE
Right. yeah.
PHIL
So, how are we gonna find the 1985
Chicago Bears?
JOE
I dont know. How are we gonna find
the 1985 Chicago Bears.

PHIL
I dont know. Maybe we should
think.
JOE
You mean, like, with our brains?
PHIL
Yeah. With our brains. Lets think.
Like, um, what do we know about the
1985 Chicago Bears?

JOE
Well. We known that theyre from
Chicago. We know that theyre the
Bears. And we know that theyre
dumb motherfuckers. I have an idea.
Lets set up a dumb motherfucker
competition. Well announce that on
the internet. And then maybe the
1985 Chicago Bears will show up.

PHIL
Right. Yeah. Good idea.

INT. GREEN BAY UNDERGROUND LAIR - DAY

Coach Ditka, Mike Singletary, Refrigerator Perry and

Sweetness are standing.
Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews are still tied to chairs.
 59.

COACH DITKA
Alright. We got two Packers.
Rodgers and Matthews. Lets get
more Packers.

MIKE SINGLETARY
Yeah.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah.

SWEETNESS
Yeah.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah.

MIKE SINGLETARY
You said "yeah" twice, Refrigerator
Perry, Defensive Tackle for the
1985 Chicago Bears.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
So what? Why cant I say "yeah"
twice?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Because of the redundancy.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
How about I redundantly kick your
linebacker ass, Mike Singletary?
SWEETNESS
Guys. Yall dont need to be
fighting like this.
COACH DITKA
Actually I think they do.

MIKE SINGLETARY
Me, too.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Me, too.

SWEETNESS
Me, too.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Me, too.
 60.

MIKE SINGLETARY
There you go again, Refrigerator
Perry. Redundancy.
Mike Singletary and Refrigerator Perry fight for thirty
seconds. They finish fighting.
COACH DITKA
OK. Good fight. Now lets figure
out which Packer were gonna
kidnap.

AARON RODGERS
You guys are friggin nuts.
MIKE SINGLETARY
You just think that because you
play offense. You dont understand
how defense works.
CLAY MATTHEWS
I have to concur with Mike
Singletary.

AARON RODGERS
Great. Good for you, Clay. Concur,
you idiot.
SWEETNESS
Fellas. If we want to know which
Packer to kidnap, we should
research that on the internet.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Yeah.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah.
CLAY MATTHEWS
Yeah.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah.
MIKE SINGLETARY
... I should bust you in your damn
head.
SWEETNESS
Yall already did that. Just get on
the internet.
 61.

They all take out their phones and click away, except for
Coach Ditka, who takes a bottle of whiskey out of his pocket
and starts drinking.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
I gotta update my Tinder profile
MIKE SINGLETARY
Were not doing Tinder right now.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Well what app are you using?
MIKE SINGLETARY
eHarmony.
SWEETNESS
Uh. We need to be doing something
football related.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Hey. Look at this commercial on the
internet.

ANNOUNCER (ON PHONE)

Come to Green Bay tomorrow, for the
Dumb Motherfucker Competition.
Sponsored by Orange Fanta.

MIKE SINGLETARY
What kind of a dumb motherfucker
would go to a dumb
motherfucker competition?
Jim McMahon enters.

JIM MCMAHON
Guys. Did you hear about the dumb
motherfucker competition? Lets
sign up for it.

MIKE SINGLETARY
We aint signing up for no dumb
motherfucker competition, you dumb
motherfucker. Lets just focus on
kidnap more Packers.

SWEETNESS
We gotta use more strategy this
time. The Green Bay police are
hanging around the Packers, to make
sure they dont get kidnapped.
 62.

JIM MCMAHON
How about we disguise ourselves,
and we set up a donut eating
competition? That way, all the cops
will go there, and they wont hang
around the Packers.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Thats a good idea, you dumb
motherfucker.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Refrigerator Perry is disguised as a ancient Chinese man,
and Jim McMahon is disguised as a disco king. heres a box
of donuts on a table near them. The Police Officers and
Police Chief from the previous scenes are standing by the
table.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Hi. Im Confucius, and this is my
associate Tony Manero. Welcome to
the donut eating contest. Here are
the donuts. Eat them.
POLICE OFFICER
Thats only a dozen donuts.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Yeah. So. Whats your point?

POLICE CHIEF
We need more than a dozen donuts to
have a donut eating contest.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Do you guys want free donuts or
not?
POLICE OFFICER 2
Well. Yeah.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
So eat the damn donuts. OK?
JIM MCMAHON
Wait a second, I thought we bought
144 donuts.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
We did. And I ate a snack, cause I
was hungry.
 63.

JIM MCMAHON
What did you eat as a snack.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
132 donuts. And five gallons of
milk.

JIM MCMAHON
Right.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(to Cops)
Okay. Donut eating contest. Ready,
go!
The Cops start eating donuts, as does Refrigerator Perry.

(different area of the park)

Joe and Phil are hosting the Dumb Motherfucker Competition.
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON is the only person in attendance.
JOE
OK. Welcome to the Dumb
Motherfucker competition. Uh. Who
are you?
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON
Im Neil DeGrasse Tyson, the
scientist.
JOE
If youre a scientist, then why do
you want to compete in a dumb
motherfucker competition?

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

Well. Im so smart, that I can
figure out a way to win a dumb
motherfucker competition.

PHIL
(to Joe)
Where ate the 1985 Chicago Bears,
Joe?

JOE
I guess those idiots were smart
enough not to show up here. As
opposed to this genius scientist
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, whos dumb as
a box of rocks
 64.

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON

You just committed 14 different
logical fallacies.
JOE
Oh yeah? Im about to commit 14
different ways to kick the ass of a
scientist.
They fight.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Coach Ditka, Mike Singletary and Sweetness are pushing a
dolly that has a sack of pomegranates on it.

COACH DITKA
Alright. We got Jordy Nelson in a
sack.
SWEETNESS
Um. Actually, coach. This is a sack
of pomegranates.
COACH DITKA
Well then where the hell did we put
the sack of Jordy Nelson?

MIKE SINGLETARY
(points)
We put that son of a bitch over
there.

COACH DITKA
Well go get him.
Coach Ditka drinks some whiskey out of a bottle.

INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY

NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, Packers wide
receiver Jordy Nelson has been
missing for a while. The Green Bay
police, who were all at a donut
eating contest earlier today, are
questioning Keanu Reeves for
information about Jody Nelson.
 65.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Joe and Phil are watching the news program on a phone.
JOE
The damn police, theyre focusing
on Keanu now. Its up to us to
track down Refrigerator Perry and
the rest of the 1985 Chicago Bears.
PHIL
Absolutely.
They snort cocaine.
PHIL
You know, I was just thinking. We
snort a lot of cocaine. So, like,
were getting lots of vitamin C2.
We need to balance out that vitamin
C2, by drinking a lot of alcohol.
JOE
We already drink massive amounts of
alcohol. You have two kegs of beer
delivered to your home every week.
PHIL
But thats beer. We should also
drink other alcohols, too.
JOE
... Yeah. Good idea. Lets go get
some other alcohols.

INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY

Joe and Phil enter the store.

JOE
What should we get?
PHIL
How about some whiskey?

JOE
Yeah. How about some whiskey?
PHIL
Yeah. Whiskey.
 66.

JOE
Whiskey.

They scan the store for whiskey.

JOE
Hey. I dont see any whiskey here.
PHIL
Yeah. I dont see any whiskey here,
either.
JOE
Me neither.

PHIL
Ditto.
JOE
Me, too.

They walk up to the Clerk.

JOE
Bro. Wheres your whiskey?
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
We dont have any whiskey. Sandra
Bullock stole it.
PHIL
Sandra Bullock?

LIQUOR STORE CLERK

Yeah. Sandra Bullock. She was in
here earlier, and she stole all of
our whiskey.

JOE
Hm. Well. Why dont you describe
this Sandra Bullock person to us.
LIQUOR STORE CLERK
Well. I mean, shes a black man
with a mustache. And a white man
with a mustache. And this big
Samoan guy. And this muscular
African-American. And this guy who
wears tinted sunglasses.

PHIL
That sounds a lot like the 85
Chicago Bears.
 67.

LIQUOR STORE CLERK

Well. I mean, I suppose it couldve
been the 85 Chicago Bears. .... No.
No. It was Sandra Bullock.

EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY

Joe and Phil
JOE
Coach Ditka stole that whiskey. So.
Um. Lets think. How can we use
that information to get to him and
the Bears?
PHIL
Well. I dont think we should
think, Joe.
JOE
Why dont you think we should
think, Phil?

PHIL
Because. It doesnt seem like were
very good thinkers.
JOE
Well. Maybe. ... How about we dont
think instead?
PHIL
Yeah. Were probably really good at
not thinking. Lets not think of
ways to get the 1985 Chicago Bears.
JOE
Right. Yeah. Lets not think.
They play paddleball for 30 seconds.

JOE
... OK. I got a plan.
PHIL
What is your plan?

JOE
My plan is, Ditka is an alcoholic
who drinks whiskey. So, well get
all the whiskey in Green Bay, and
put it in one place. Well have a
(MORE)
 68.

JOE (contd)
whiskey drinking competition. And
then Mike Ditka will drop by to
drink whiskey.

PHIL
Thats a great plan. How did you
come up with it?
JOE
By not thinking.

PHIL
Right. Yeah.
JOE
All we need to do now is get every
drop of whiskey in Green Bay.
PHIL
How are we gonna get every drop of
whiskey in Green Bay?

JOE
I dont know. Let me think.
PHIL
Bro. Dont think.

JOE
Right. Yeah. The hell with
thinking. Thinking is for idiots.
They play paddleball again.

JOE
OK I got a plan. If we want to get
all of Green Bays whiskey, all we
have to do it steal it.

Joe and Phil put on ski masks.

PHIL
Yeah. Good plan. Well steal every
drop of whiskey in Green Bay. Well
start with K-Mart, and then work
our way from there. Which way is
K-Mart?
JOE
(points somewhere)
Its that way.
 69.

INT. ROOM - DAY

BETHANY
What about Peruvians? Should I not
like Peruvians?

MARLA
That would be racist. You shouldnt
be racist.
BETHANY
I shouldnt be racist?
MARLA
You shouldnt be racist.
BETHANY
OK. I wont be racist. What about
Uruguayans? Should I not like
Uruguayans?
MARLA
That would be racist. You shouldnt
be racist.
BETHANY
I shouldnt be racist?
MARLA
You shouldnt be racist.

INT. JOES APARTMENT - DAY

Joe is talking to Phil. Theyre still both wearing ski
masks.
JOE
OK. We stole all of Green Bays
whiskey, and put it all in my
basement.
PHIL
Your basement? But, uh, you live in
an apartment. This is your
apartment.

JOE
Well. Whatever. We put the whiskey
somewhere. I think we put it in my
kitchen or something.
 70.

PHIL
Yeah.
They take off their ski masks.

JOE
So, like all we gotta do now is,
like, put out a commercial about a
whiskey drinking competition at
Green Bay park. And then Ditka will
show up there.
PHIL
And then what?

JOE
And then well kick his mudder
lugging ass.
PHIL
Yeah. Wait a second. What if Ditka
brings the rest of the Bears? We
cant kick all of their mudder
lugging asses.
JOE
Yeah. OK. Well get a few more guys
to team up with us at the park.
Marla enters.
MARLA
Hey Joe. Hey Phil.

PHIL
Hey Marla.
MARLA
Joe. Do you want to go to a movie
tonight?
JOE
Honey. Im hunting the 85 Chicago
Bears right now. Me and Phil have
to go to the commercial company,
and go make a commercial for a
whiskey drinking contest, and then
we gotta get a few guys to join us
for the fight were gonna have.

MARLA
I dont even know what the hell
that means, Joe!
 71.

JOE
Thats because female brains cant
understand guys stuff like that.

MARLA
Or maybe you need to put the stuff
you said into some sort of context,
so I can understand it.

JOE
Marla. You sound really menstrual
right now. You probably have all
that period stuff going on.
Menstrual.

MARLA
What do you mean menstrual? Im not
menstruating! Im pregnant.
JOE
The point is, you have way too many
girlie hormones right now. Right,
Phil?
PHIL
Probably. I dont know. Whatever.
All women are whores. Lets go make
the whiskey commercial and get the
1985 Chicago Bears.

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY

Coach Ditka is drinking whiskey out of a bottle. He finishes

the bottle.
COACH DITKA
Im out of whiskey.

The Bears are in the room, as are Rodgers, Matthews, and

Jordy Nelson, who are all tied to chairs.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Well maybe its a good thing that
youre out of whiskey, you
alcoholic idiot.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(to Coach Ditka)
Yeah. I mean, youve been drinking
two bottles of whiskey a day, and
double that on weekends, and double
double that on weekdays. Maybe you
should take a break or something.
 72.

COACH DITKA
Maybe you should take a break from
kissing my ass, Singletary.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Im Refrigerator Perry.
COACH DITKA
Whatever. Im too drunk to know who
you are, Singletary. I need more
whiskey.
(takes out his phone and uses
it to hit Refrigerator Perry
over the head)
(uses his phone to call
someone)
Hi. Is this Walmart? ... Great. Let
me ask you a question, Walmart. How
many gallons of whiskey do you
have? I want to come down there
today and steal it all. Im very
thirsty. ... What do you mean you
dont have any whiskey? ... What do
you mean nobody in Green Bay has
any whiskey? ... Oh. ... Well then
go fluck yourself!
(presses a button to end the
call)
(to Everyone)
Theres no more whiskey in Green
Bay. Some lunatic stole it all.
JORDY NELSON
Are you sure youre not the lunatic
who stole it all?
COACH DITKA
No, Jordy Nelson. But Im sure I
want you to shut your damn pie
hole.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
(to Jordy Nelson)
Yeah, Jordy Nelson. Shut your damn
pie hole.
(to Coach Ditka)
But seriously, Coach. You shouldnt
drink so much.
COACH DITKA
Shut your damn pie hole,
Singletary.
 73.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Im Refrigerator Perry--not Mike
Singletary!
JIM MCMAHON
Guys. Lets focus here. We really
need to focus on the task at hand.
Where are we gonna find some
whiskey?
SWEETNESS
Thats not the task at hand, Jim
McMahon, quarterback for the 1985
Chicago Bears.
JIM MCMAHON
Says who?

SWEETNESS
Says this song.
(breaks into a song and dance
number)
Thats not the task at hand /
Thats not the task at hand /
Thats not the task at hand /
Thats not the task at hand / You
know what Im saying, Jim McMahon?
/ That is not the task at hand /
The task at hand is something else
/ Dont eat burritos at Taco Bell
JIM MCMAHON
Oh. OK. Good point.

AARON RODGERS
How is that a good point?
MIKE SINGLETARY
Its an excellent point, Aaron
Rodgers!

CLAY MATTHEWS
Im gonna have to concur with Mike
Singletary.
AARON RODGERS
Good for you, Clay. Concur with
him, you dumb double-clutcher.
COACH DITKA
Wait a sec. Theres a commercial
playing on my phone.
 74.

Coach Ditka looks st his phone. Theres a video on it

featuring Joe and Phil.

JOE
The Green Bay whiskey drinking
competition is gonna take place
tomorrow at Green Bay park.
PHIL
Yeah. Its a whiskey drinking
competition for people whose last
name rhymes with the word
Schmidtka.
COACH DITKA
My last name rhymes with the word
Schmidtka. My last name is Ditka.
Also, I drink whiskey. Im gonna go
to that whiskey drinking
competition. The one for people
whose last name rhymes with the
word Schmidtka.
AARON RODGERS
Great. Go to that contest. But
before you do, come here and kiss
my ass.

EXT. STREET -DAY

Don Majkowski is rolling dice with a MAN.

Joe and Phil walk up to them.

JOE
Don Majkowski.

DON MAJKOWSKI
What?
JOE
Youre the mayor of Green
Bay--right?

DON MAJKOWSKI
Right. Yeah. Im the mayor of Green
Bay. Im just rolling dice on the
street, with the Vice Mayor.

PHIL
Theres no such thing as a Vice
Mayor.
 75.

DON MAJKOWSKI
Thats true.
(to Man)
Youre not the Vice Mayor of Green
Bay?

MAN
Uh. No.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Oh. But Im the Mayor--right?

MAN
Yeah. I voted for you, Mayor
Majkowski.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Right. Yeah. I appreciate the vote.
JOE
Mayor Majkowski. We came up with a
plan to get Aaron Rodgers and the
other Packers back.

DON MAJKOWSKI
What kind of plan?
JOE
Well. It involves luring in the 85
Chicago Bears with all the whiskey
we stole, and then kicking all of
their rubber-pucking asses.
DON MAJKOWSKI
That sounds like a good plan.
(gets up and puts on a ski
mask)
Lets do this.
PHIL
Uh. You dont need to wear a ski
mask.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Um. Yeah. OK.

He takes off the ski mask.

 76.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

Remix of the Green Bay cheese company scenes from before

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Joe, Phil, and Don Majkowski are walking down the street.
They come across DONALD DRIVER playing dice ob the street
with MAN 2.

JOE
Donald Driver?
DONALD DRIVER
Yeah. Im Donald Driver, former
receiver for the Green Bay Packers.

JOE
Were gonna go fight the 1985
Chicago Bears at the park. Do you
want to come?

DONALD DRIVER
Uh. Yeah.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

Remix of the Green Bay cheese company scenes from before

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET - DAY

Joe, Phil, Don Majkowski, and Donald Driver are walking down
the street.
Joe spots Marla and Harry across the street and at the other
end of the block.
JOE
Hey. Thats my wife. And my cousin.
You guys wait here while I go kick
that guys ass.
Phil, Don Majkowski, and Donald Driver watch as Joe walks
across the street and confronts Marla and Harry. Joe talks
to them for a few second, and then has a kung fu fight with
Harry. We (the viewers) are seeing all of this from the
perspective of Phil, Don Majkowski, and Donald Driver, who
are a few hundred yards away.
 77.

DONALD DRIVER
That dude knows a lot of kung fu.
PHIL
Yeah. Most people in Green Bay know
a lot of kung fu.

DON MAJKOWSKI
Thats true. And recently, I passed
the "know a lot of kung fu" law in
the government. You know.
Legislature.
PHIL
Oh. Did you, Mayor Majkowski?
DON MAJKOWSKI
Yeah. I did.
Joe walks back to them.
JOE
OK. I kicked that guys ass. Lets
go to the park.
PHIL
Well, what are you gonna do about
your marital stuff?

JOE
You know how it is. Women. Cant
live with them, cant live without
them.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Whys that?
JOE
Because theyre fucking whores.

PHIL
Yeah. Thats true. Lets go to the
park and kick some ass.

EXT. GREEN BAY STREET (DIFFERENT SECTION) - DAY

Ditka and the Bears are walking down the street.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Coach. When are we gonna go sack
John Kuhn?
 78.

COACH DITKA
After we go to the whiskey drinking
contest.

MIKE SINGLETARY
The hell with the whiskey drinking
contest! Lets go sack Kuhn right
now.

COACH DITKA
Are you the head coach of an NFL
football team?
MIKE SINGLETARY
No.

COACH DITKA
Then shut your damn pie hole,
Refrigerator Perry.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Im Mike Singletary.
COACH DITKA
It doesnt matter who you are. The
point is, shut your pie hole. Im
gonna go drink whiskey, and then
well sack Kuhn.
JIM MCMAHON
You know what movie I like? Police
Academy 5.

SWEETNESS
Yeah. Thats a good movie.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Joe, Phil, Don Majkowski, and Donald Driver are running a

whiskey drinking contest. Don Majkowski and Donald Driver
are wearing zoot suits.
DONALD DRIVER
Dude. Why am I disguised as a zoot
suiter?
JOE
Because, Donald Driver. We dont
want the Bears to become
suspicious. They might become
suspicious if they see you or Don
Majkowski here. After all, youre
both Packers.
 79.

JAVIER FIDKA walks up to them.

JAVIER FIDKTA
Hi. Im here for the whiskey
drinking contest.

JOE
Are you freaking kidding me?
JAVIER FIDKTA
Uh. No.

JOE
Listen, bro. This contest is for
people whose last name rhymes
with Schmidtka.

JAVIER FIDKTA
Yeah. I know. My name is Javier
Fidtka.
PHIL
That doesnt rhyme with Schmidtka,
buddy.
JAVIER FIDKTA
Im pretty sure it does.

DONALD DRIVER
Yeah. Thats true. It rhymes.
JOE
Whatever, Donald Driver. Were just
here to get the Bears.

DON MAJKOWSKI
Well. As the Mayor of Green Bay, I
say you gotta give this guy
whiskey.

JAVIER FIDKTA
Youre not Mayor Don Majkowski.
Youre a zoot suiter.
DON MAJKOWSKI
Actually, Im Don Majkowski
disguised as a zoot suiter. Im
doing some government stuff.
(to the others)
And, yeah. As the Mayor of Green
Bay, I say you gotta give this guy
whiskey. I mean, his name is Javier
Fidtka.
 80.

JOE
Thats not even a real name! This
guy doesnt even look Hispanic. How
is his name Javier?

DON MAJKOWSKI
(to Javier Fidtka)
Let me see you ID, Mr. Fidtka. We
need to make sure your real name is
Javier.

PHIL
Whatever. Just, who cares about his
ID. Just give him some whiskey.
JOE
Fine.
(hands a bottle of whiskey to
Javier Fidtka)
Here you go, Javier Fidtka. Whiskey
contest. Drink this whiskey.
JAVIER FIDKTA
OK.
He starts drinking whiskey.
DONALD DRIVER
Good job, bro. Youre winning the
contest.
JAVIER FIDKTA
Awesome.

Ditka and the Bears are a hundred yards away.

COACH DITKA
That must be the wiskey drinking
contest.

SWEETNESS
Where?
COACH DITKA
Right there. Where those two zoot
suiters are standing.

Back to the park

JOE
Alright. Theres Ditka and the
Bears.
 81.

PHIL
Yeah. Freaking Bears. Fuck them.
Im a fan of the Packers, the team
that was founded in 1919 when Earl
"Curly" Lambeau and George Whitney
Calhoun founded the Green Bay
Packers, and Lambeau named them the
Packers when his employer, the
Indian Packing Company, gave him
$500 for uniforms and equipment as
a payment, in exchange for him
naming the team the Packers, after
the Indian Packing Company.
JOE
Yeah. Me, too. Lets do this.

Ditka and the Bears approach them.

COACH DITKA
Im here for the whiskey drinking
contest. My last name rhymes with
Schmidtka.

JOE
Yeah. We know that, Mike Ditka. And
we know you got Rodgers.
Don Majkowski and Donald Driver remove their disguises.

MIKE SINGLETARY
Donald Driver and Don Majkowski.
JOE
Lets do this.
They have a ridiculous kung fu fight. At the end, Joe and
his team prevail over the Bears.

INT. CHEESE FACTORY - DAY

Remix of the Green Bay Cheese Company scene

EXT. PARK - DAY

Joe, Phil, Donald Driver, Don Majkowski, Aaron Rodgers, Clay

Matthews, Jordy Nelson, and JOHN KUHN are eating cheese.
JOE
Yeah. We kicked those dudes asses,
and we got back Aaron Rodgers, Clay
(MORE)
 82.

JOE (contd)
Matthews, and Jordy Nelson. And
John Kuhn is here too for some
reason.

JOHN KUHN
Whats up, everyone? Im John Kuhn,
fullback for the Green Bay Packers.
Im eating cheese.
PHIL
Thats right. Were all eating
cheese.
AARON RODGERS
(imitating Dolemite)
Aaron Rodgers is my name, and
eating Monterey Jack cheese is my
game!
CLAY MATTHEWS
This is Monterey Jack cheese? I
thought it was cantaloupe.

A MAN walks up to Don Majkowski.

MAN
Hey. Are you Don Majkowski?

DON MAJKOWSKI
Yeah. Im Don Majkowski.
MAN
OK.

The Man walks away.

INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY

Ditka and the Bears

COACH DITKA
Well. We almost got the Packers.
But, yeah. Now were back in
Chicago, in our underground lair in
Chicago. But, you know, maybe we
should, like, live overground now.
Now if youll excuse me, Im gonna
go rob a liquor store.
 83.

JIM MCMAHON
Coach Ditka. You shouldnt drink so
much.
COACH DITKA
You know what? Youre right. I
shouldnt drink so much. I mean,
the first thousand times you told
me that, I disagreed with you. But
now I agree with you.

SWEETNESS
I cant tell if youre being
serious or sarcastic.
MIKE SINGLETARY
Dude. Coach Ditka doesnt believe
in sarcasm.
COACH DITKA
Yeah. Sarcasm can kiss my ass.
JIM MCMAHON
What the hell is sarcasm?
COACH DITKA
The point is, we almost got the
Green Bay Packers. We were pretty
close. Next time, were gonna take
over the entire world. Not just
Green Bay. Also, I drink too much.
From now on, Im not gonna drink
two bottles of whiskey a day. From
now on, Im gonna drink one and
three quarters bottles of whiskey a
day.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
One and three quarters?

COACH DITKA
Yeah
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Well. Thats pretty good. I guess
youre not an alcoholic anymore.

COACH DITKA
Absolutely. Ill drink to that.
Ill drink one and three quarters
bottles of whiskey to that. And a
six pack of beer.
 84.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Beer?
COACH DITKA
Yeah. I mean, now that I only drink
one and three quarters bottles of
whiskey a day, I gotta supplement
that with beer, so I can get enough
alcohol.
JIM MCMAHON
Good point.
REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Thats not a good point, Jim
McMahon. Thats a great point. In
fact, I think Ditka should have a
12 pack of beer every day.
COACH DITKA
That sounds good. Im thirsty.
Coach Ditka starts drinking beer.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY
Now youre not an alcoholic
anymore.
(to camera)
If youre alcoholic, dont be
alcoholic. Go to the Betty Ford
center or some fucking place like
that.
THE CLOSING CREDITS START RUNNING. The following scene plays
in the background.

INT. JOES APARTMENT - DAY

Joe and Marla

JOE
You know Marla, I learned something
from kicking the asses of the 1985
Chicago Bears. I learned that I
really love the Packers. Go
Packers! And I learned that I
should pay more attention to you,
my wife, who Im married to, my
wife. And I should sleep with fewer
women who are not you, my wife, who
Im married to, my wife.
 85.

MARLA
Thats the most romantic thing
youve ever said.
JOE
From now, Im gonna pay almost as
much attention to you as I do to
the Green Bay Packers. Except on
Sundays. And also, except when Im
watching anything related to
sports.

MARLA
And from now on, Im gonna sleep
with your second cousin instead of
sleeping with your first cousin.

INT. ROOM - DAY

NARRATOR
My friend. You have seen all of
this, these things, in these two
cities, the tale of two cities, you
have scene those things, my
friend. Perhaps on your way home,
you will go to a McDonalds, and
order a 12 piece McNuggets, my
friend. Many scientists believe
that water is H2O, my friend. We
once laughed at the idea that sound
could be transmitted through waves
in the air, and boxes could be sold
at a box store for $8.79 each, my
friend. My friend.
THE END