Be a Good Listener

Communication is a two way thing with a speaker and a listener. Both parties have an
important role to play if there is to be understanding between the two parties.
Unfortunately, there are more lessons given on speaking clearly than there is on
listening, and yet one without the other is equally ineffective.

Give me the gift of a listening heart.

King Solomon

These 10 points are for the person listening to remember and are as valid for
conversation with a friend as they are to listening to a lecture, sermon or read aloud.
Many of these can be practiced in the family setting, for example, around the dinner
table, in the lounge room, or in the car; any time talking is taking place we can
encourage our children in any one of these skills.

10 Points for a Listener to Remember

1. Respect the Speaker This means you need to put aside your thoughts about
their dress, their mannerisms, their presentation style and focus on the fact that they
have something to say. It may not be your favourite topic, it may not interest you at
all, but in considering the preciousness of others, we need to listen. It is a principle we
need to live by.
2. Hear the Speaker out It is easy to respond too quickly with our response or
our own idea, either in agreement or in disagreement. Out of respect, we need to hear
the speaker out. Let them finish what they have to say. An aspect of this is that we
need to moderate our responses, especially laughter, so that we can continue to hear
after the joke/punch line. It is quite okay to disagree with a speaker, but disrespectful
to let your opinions be known until it is your turn to take the floor.
3. Listen to the Heart We need to be listening for more than facts. When we
connect facts to the principles or experiences the speaker is sharing we glean a much
fuller picture of the topic at hand. Body language and reputation will also help you
hear more than the words themselves may express they will help you hear the
speakers heart. The speaker may use emotive words that may tempt you to be quick
to tune out, give them the benefit of the doubt and listen till they have finished.
4. Body language Our body language needs to be set in a listening pose head
forward with eye contact being made. We need to keep our face mobile showing
expressions as appropriate to really listening, our emotions also need to be
appropriate to the topic at hand. If a speaker is telling their lifes story we need to
show due empathy and interest on our face. If a speaker is telling a joke then laughter
is appropriate etc.
5. Ignore distractions a good listener will tune out distractions in the
background be it the environment or other people even in the same discussion.
Should other people be creating distractions, a good listener will try and encourage
them (without causing a disturbance by doing so) to pay attention. Of course, a good
listener will not be the cause of such a distraction.
6. Engage our mind - We need to discipline our minds as well so that we are
staying focused with what is being said, instead of our mind wandering around
thinking of other interesting (connected or not connected) thoughts. We need to be so
 in touch with what is being said, emotionally and with our minds, that we can
anticipate the direction in which we think the speaker is going. Though it would be
rude to express our anticipation, the process that our minds go through by being so
actively engaged helps us to remember what the speaker is saying.
7. Write down notes Obviously when we are listening to a lecture we are
prepared to take notes but I find many times that listening to my friends they inspire
me with an idea; my notebook is never far away. In a lecture situation our notes are
the place we can ask questions and reflect back (summarise) what has been said, once
again confirming it in our memory.
8. Ask questions It is important to ask questions in either personal or lecture
situations. Questions show that we are interested. Once we ask the question we need
to be ready to actively listen to the answers.
9. Reflect back this is often used during conflict resolution you listen to the
other person and then quickly and briefly verbalise what you have heard, giving them
opportunity to correct your understanding. In homeschooling situations this is called
narration, in schools retell. When we are listening to a person we can recapitulate
what we have heard, when we are listening to a lecture we can summarise in our
notes what we have heard. Either way it affirms the speaker and clarifies what we
have heard, and therefore increases understanding.
10. Show appreciation This can be shown in a variety of ways generally
depending on the situation. A comment to encourage or a round of applause for
example will reassure the speaker and validate their opinion, ideas, research or
presentation but most importantly we want to validate the person. Remember #1 it
is the preciousness of the person that motivates us to be a good listener and to show
them our appreciation.

Bad listeners, on the other hand, like to interrupt and turn the focus onto them; they
create distractions and change the subject to suit themselves. They approach a
conversation ready to disagree, criticize or are plain argumentative. Obviously these are
the traits that we would like to turn ourselves, and our children away from.

Good listening skills will enrich both relationship building efforts as well as your learning
skills. It is a life skill that we should be keenly pursuing.