Group1Members&Roles:

DirectorSamAngSanto
StageManagerDarylTang
ScriptwriterAbbyGutierrez
PropsVaughnLacambra,MiguelGarcia
LightsandSoundsNicoReyes,ArrianedelasAlas
GwendolenCamillePalomares
LadyBracknellWeedeeValenzuela
AlgernonMarquisAlindogan
JackJomarArce
ButlerLaneAngeloCarlos

THEIMPORTANCEOFBEINGEARNESTACT1

MorningroominAlgernon'sflatinHalfMoonStreet.Theroomisluxuriouslyandartistically
furnished.Thesoundofapianoisheardintheadjoiningroom.

[LANEisarrangingafternoonteaonthetable,andafterthemusichasceased,ALGERNON
enters.]

ALGERNON
DidyouhearwhatIwasplaying,Lane?

LANE
Sorry,sir.Ithoughtitwouldntbepolite.

ALGERNON
Idon'tplayaccuratelybutIplaywithwonderfulexpression.Sentimentismyforteinthepiano.

LANE
Yes,sir.

ALGERNON
HaveyoucutthecucumbersandwichesforLadyBracknell?

LANE
Yes,sir.[Handsthemonasalver.]

ALGERNON
[Inspectsthem,takestwo,andsitsdownonthesofa.]Oh!...bytheway,Lane,Iseefromyour
bookthatonThursdaynight,eightbottlesofchampagneareenteredashavingbeen
consumed.

LANE
Yes,sireightbottlesandapint.

ALGERNON
Whyisitthatatabachelor'sestablishmenttheservantsinvariablydrinkthechampagne?Iask
merelyforinformation.

LANE
Iattributeittothesuperiorqualityofthewine,sir.Ihaveoftenobservedthatinmarried
householdsthechampagneisrarelyofafirstratebrand.

ALGERNON
Goodheavens!Ismarriagesodemoralisingasthat?

LANE
IbelieveitISaverypleasantstate,siralthoughIdonthavemuchexperience.

ALGERNON
[Languidly.]Idon'tknowthatIminterestedinyourfamilylife,Lane.

LANE
Sir,itisnotaveryinterestingsubject.Ineverthinkofitmyself.

ALGERNON
Verynatural,Iamsure.Thatwilldo,Lane,thankyou.

LANE
Thankyou,sir.[LANEgoesout.]

ALGERNON
[talkstohimself]Lanesviewsonmarriageseemsomewhatlax.Really,ifthelowerordersdon't
setusagoodexample,whatstheiruse?Theyseemtohavenosenseofmoralresponsibilityat
all.

[Knockonthedoor.EnterLANE.]

LANE
Mr.ErnestWorthing.

[EnterJACK.]

[LANEgoesout.]

ALGERNON
Howareyou,mydearErnest?Whatbringsyouhere?

JACK
Oh,pleasure,pleasure!Whatelseshouldbringoneanywhere?Eatingasusual,Isee,Algy!

ALGERNON
[Stiffly.]WellitisfiveoclockandIamtakingsomeslightrefreshment.Wherehaveyoubeen
sincelastThursday?

JACK
[Sittingdownonthesofa.]Inthecountry.

ALGERNON
Whatonearthdoyoudothere?

JACK
[Pullingoffhisgloves.]Whenoneisintownoneamusesoneself.Whenoneisinthecountry
oneamusesotherpeople.Itisexcessivelyboring.

ALGERNON
Andwhoarethepeopleyouamuse?

JACK
[Airily.]Oh,neighbours,neighbours.

ALGERNON
GotniceneighboursinyourpartofShropshire?

JACK
Notatall!Terrible!Neverspeaktooneofthem.

ALGERNON
Howimmenselyyoumustamusethem![Goesoverandtakessandwich.]Bytheway,
Shropshireisyourcounty,right?

JACK
Shropshire?Ofcourse.Wait...whyallthesecups?Whycucumbersandwiches?Whyso
extravagant?Whoiscomingtotea?

ALGERNON
Oh!AuntAugustaandGwendolen.

JACK
Howdelightful!

ALGERNON
AlthoughImafraidAuntAugustawon'tapproveofyourpresence.

JACK
Why?

ALGERNON
Well,thewayyouflirtwithGwendolenisjustdisgraceful,justlikethewayGwendolenflirtswith
you.

JACK
IaminlovewithGwendolen.Iveactuallycometotowntoproposetoher.

ALGERNON
Ithoughtyouhadcomeupforpleasure?Forbusiness?

JACK
Oh!Youresounromantic!

ALGERNON
Welltobeinloveisromanticbutthereisnothingromanticaboutadefiniteproposal.After
acceptance,theexcitementisoverbuttheessenceofromanceisuncertainty.IfeverIget
married,I'llcertainlytrytoforgetthefact.

JACK
Ihavenodoubtaboutthat,Algy.TheDivorceCourtwasspeciallyinventedforpeoplewhose
memoriesaresocuriouslyconstituted.

ALGERNON
Oh!thereisnousespeculatingonthatsubject.DivorcesaremadeinHeaven[JACKputsout
hishandtotakeasandwich.ALGERNONatonceinterferes.]Pleasedon'ttouchthecucumber
sandwiches.TheyareforAuntAugusta.[Takesoneandeatsit.]

JACK
Well,youhavebeeneatingthemallthetime.

ALGERNON
Butshesmyaunt.[Takesplatefrombelow.]Havesomebreadandbutter.Thebreadandbutter
isforGwendolen.

JACK
[Advancingtotableandhelpinghimself.]Thislooksgood.

ALGERNON
Myfriend,youneednoteatasifyouweregoingtoeatitall.Youeatasifyouweremarriedto
heralreadyandIdon'tthinkthatlleverhappen.

JACK
Whyonearthdoyousaythat?

ALGERNON
Well,inthefirstplacegirlsnevermarrythementheyflirtwith.

JACK
Nonsense!

ALGERNON
Itisn't.Itsthetruth.Second,Idon'tgivemyconsent.

JACK
Yourconsent!?

ALGERNON
Gwendolenismyfirstcousin.AndbeforeIallowyoutomarryher,youwillhavetoclearthings
upwithCecily.[Ringsbell.]

JACK
Whatonearthdoyoumean?Idon'tknowanyoneofthenameofCecily.

[EnterLANE.]

ALGERNON
BringmethatcigarettecaseMr.Worthingleftinthesmokingroombefore.

LANE
Yes,sir.[LANEgoesout.]

JACK
Soyouhadmycigarettethewholetime?Ihopeyouhadtoldme.Ivebeenwritingfranticletters
toScotlandYardaboutit.Ialmostofferedalargereward.

ALGERNON
Well,Iwishyouwouldofferone.Ihappentobemorethanusuallyhardup.

JACK
Itsfoundsonevermindaboutthereward.

[EnterLANEwiththecigarettecaseonasalver.ALGERNONtakesitatonce.LANEgoesout.]

ALGERNON
Thatsmeanofyou,Earnest.[Openscaseandexaminesit.Seesaninscription.]Butitdoesnt
matter,itisntyoursallthewhile.

JACK
Ofcourseit'smine.[Movingtohim.]Youhaveseenmewithitahundredtimes,andyouhave
norighttoreadwhatiswritteninside.

ALGERNON
Oh!itisabsurdtohaveahardandfastruleaboutwhatoneshouldreadandwhatone
shouldn't.

JACK
Ijustwantmycigarettecaseback.

ALGERNON
Yesbutthisisn'tyourcigarettecase.tsaysitsapresentfromCecilyandyoucaimedyoudid
notknowanyonenamedCecily.

JACK
Well,ifyouwanttoknow,Cecilysmyaunt.

ALGERNON
Youraunt!?

JACK
Yes.AcharmingonewholivesatTunbridgeWells.Justgiveitbacktome,Algy.

ALGERNON
[Retreatingtobackofsofa.]ButwhydoesshecallherselflittleCecilyifsheisyourauntand
livesatTunbridgeWells?[Reading.]'FromlittleCecilywithherfondestlove.'

JACK
[Movingtosofaandkneelinguponit.]Algy,someauntsaretall,someauntsarenottall.You
seemtothinkthateveryauntshouldbeexactlylikeyouraunt!ForHeaven'ssakegivemeback
mycigarettecase.[FollowsALGERNONroundtheroom.]

ALGERNON
Yes.Butwhydoesshecallyouuncle?'FromlittleCecily,withherfondestlovetoherdear
UncleJack.'Noobjection,butwhywouldshecallherownnephewheruncle,nomatterthe
size.And,yournameisErnest,notJack.

JACK
Itisn'tErnestit'sJack.

ALGERNON
IvebeencallingyouErnest.YouarethemostearnestlookingpersonIeversawinmylife.Its
absurdthatyoudenythatnamewhenitsinyourcards.Look.[Takingitfromcase.]'Mr.Ernest
Worthing,B.4,TheAlbany.'I'llkeepincaseyoudenyittomeorGwendolen,ortoanyone
else.[Putsthecardinhispocket.]

JACK
Well,mynameisErnestintownandJackinthecountry,andthecigarettecasewasgivento
meinthecountry.

ALGERNON
Yes,butwhataboutyourauntwhocallsyouanuncle?Comeon,Ihavealwayssuspectedyou
ofbeingaconfirmedandsecretBunburyistandIamquitesureofitnow.

JACK
Bunburyist?Whatisthat?

ALGERNON
I'lltellyouifyouexplaintomewhyyoureErnestintownandJackinthecountry.

JACK
Givemycigarettecasefirst.

ALGERNON
Here.[Handscigarettecase.]Nowexplain,andpraymakeitimprobable.[Sitsonsofa.]

JACK
Thereisnothingimprobableaboutmyexplanation.Itsordinary.OldMr.ThomasCardew,who
adoptedmewhenIwasalittleboy,mademeinhiswillguardiantohisgranddaughter,Miss
CecilyCardew.Cecily,whoaddressesmeasherunclefrommotivesofrespectthatyoucould
notpossiblyappreciate,livesatmyplaceinthecountryunderthechargeofheradmirable
governess,MissPrism.

ALGERNON
Whereinthatplaceinthecountry?

JACK
Notyourconcern.Youarenotgoingtobeinvited...Imaytellyoucandidlythattheplaceisnot
inShropshire.

ALGERNON
Isuspectedthat!IhaveBunburyedalloverShropshireontwoseparateoccasions.Now,goon.
WhyareyouErnestintownandJackinthecountry?

JACK
Algy,Idon'tknowifyoullbeabletounderstandmyrealmotives.Whenoneisplacedinthe
positionofguardian,onehastoadoptaveryhighmoraltoneonallsubjects.Inordertogetup
totownIhavealwayspretendedtohaveayoungerbrotherofthenameofErnest,wholivesin
theAlbany,andgetsintothemostdreadfulscrapes.Thatsthesimpletruth.

ALGERNON
Thetruthisrarelypureandneversimple.Modernlifewouldbeverydullifitwereeither,and
modernliteratureacompleteimpossibility!

JACK
Thatwouldn'tbeabadthing.

ALGERNON
Criticismisnotyourforte.Iwasright,youwereaBunburyist.Youareoneofthemostadvanced
BunburyistsIknow.

JACK
Whatonearthdoyoumean?

ALGERNON
YouinventedaveryusefulyoungerbrothercalledErnest,inorderthatyoumaybeabletocome
uptotownasoftenasyoulike.IhaveinventedaninvaluablepermanentinvalidcalledBunbury,
inorderthatImaybeabletogodownintothecountrywheneverIchoose.Ifitwasn'tfor
Bunbury'sextraordinarybadhealth,forinstance,Iwouldn'tbeabletodinewithyouatWillis's
tonight,forIhavebeenreallyengagedtoAuntAugustaformorethanaweek.

JACK
Ihaven'taskedyoutodinewithmeanywheretonight.

ALGERNON
Iknow.Youareabsurdlycarelessaboutsendingoutinvitations.Veryfoolish.

JACK
YoubetterdinewithyourAuntAugusta.

ALGERNON
Idonthavetheintentionofdoinganythingofthekind.ShewillplacemenextMaryFarquhar,
whoalwaysflirtswithherownhusbandacrossthedinnertableveryunpleasant.Besides,now
thatyouareaconfirmedBunburyistIwanttotalktoyouabouttherules.

JACK
I'mnotaBunburyistatall.IfGwendolenacceptsme,Iamgoingtokillmybrother,forsure.
Cecilyisalittletoomuchinterestedinhim.AndIstronglyadviseyoutodothesamewithMr...
whatevernamethatwas.

ALGERNON
NothingwillpersuademetopartwithBunbury,andifyouevergetmarried,whichseemstome
extremelyproblematic,youwillbeverygladtoknowBunbury.

JACK
Thatisnonsense.IfImarryacharminggirllikeGwendolen,andsheistheonlygirlIeversawin
mylifethatIwouldmarry,Icertainlywon'twanttoknowBunbury.

ALGERNON
Thenyourwifewill.Youdon'tseemtorealise,thatinmarriedlifethreeiscompanyandtwois
none.

JACK
Forheaven'ssake,don'ttrytobecynical.

ALGERNON
Mydearfellow,itisn'teasytobeanythingnowadays.[Thesoundofanelectricbellisheard.]
ThatsAuntAugusta.IfIgetawaywithherfor10minutessoyoucanproposetoGwendolen,
canIdinewithyoutonihgtatWilliss?

JACK
Isupposeso,ifyouwantto.

ALGERNON
Yes,butyoumustbeseriousaboutit.Ihatepeoplewhoarenotseriousaboutmeals.Itisso
shallowofthem.

[EnterLANE.]

LadyBracknellandMissFairfax.
[ALGERNONgoesforwardtomeetthem.EnterLADYBRACKNELLandGWENDOLEN.]

LADYBRACKNELL
GoodafternoonAlgernon,Ihopeyouarebehaving.

ALGERNON
Feelingwell,AuntAugusta.

LADYBRACKNELL
That'snotquitethesamething.Infactthetwothingsrarelygotogether.[SeesJACKandbows
tohimwithicycoldness.]

ALGERNON
[ToGWENDOLEN.]Dearme,youaresmart!

GWENDOLEN
Iamalwayssmart!Right,Mr.Worthing?

JACK
You'requiteperfect,MissFairfax.

GWENDOLEN
Oh!IhopeIamnotthat.Itwouldleavenoroomfordevelopments,andIintendtodevelopin
manydirections.[GWENDOLENandJACKsitdowntogetherinthecorner.]

LADYBRACKNELL
I'msorryifwearealittlelate.IhadtocallonLadyHarbury.Haventbeentheresinceher
husband'sdeath.Ineversawawomansoalteredshelooks20yearsyounger.HmmmIllget
someteaandthecucumbersandwiches,please.

[ALGERNONgoesovertoteatabletogetfood.]

LADYBRACKNELL
Wanttosithere,Gwendolen?

GWENDOLEN
Thanks,mamma,I'mcomfortablehere.

ALGERNON
[Pickingupemptyplateinhorror.]Ohmy!Lane!Whyaretherenocucumbersandwichesi
ordered?

LANE
[Gravely.]Therewerenocucumbersinthemarketthismorning,sir.Iwentdowntwice.

ALGERNON
Nocucumbers!

LANE
No,sir.Notevenforreadymoney.

ALGERNON
Okay,thankyou.

LANE
Thankyou,sir.[Goesout.]

ALGERNON
Imsorry,AuntAugusta,abouttherewerenocucumbers,notevenforreadymoney.

LADYBRACKNELL
Itdoesntmatter,Algernon.IhadsomecrumpetswithLadyHarbury,whoseemstometobe
livingentirelyforpleasurenow.

ALGERNON
Ihearherhairhasturnedquitegoldfromgrief.

LADYBRACKNELL
Itcertainlyhaschangeditscolour.FromwhatcauseI,ofcourse,cannotsay.[ALGERNON
crossesandhandstea.]Thankyou.I'vequiteatreatforyoutonight,Algernon.Iamgoingto
sendyoudownwithMaryFarquhar.Sheissuchanicewoman,andsoattentivetoher
husband.It'sdelightfultowatchthem.

ALGERNON
Iamafraid,AuntAugusta,butIcannotdinewithyoutonight.

LADYBRACKNELL
[Frowning.]Itwouldputmytablecompletelyout.Yourunclewouldhavetodineupstairs.
Fortunatelyheisaccustomedtothat.

ALGERNON

Itisaterribledisappointmenttome,butIreceivedatelegramfrommypoorfriendBunburywho
isveryillagain.[ExchangesglanceswithJACK.]Ishouldbewithhim.

LADYBRACKNELL
Itisverystrange.ThisMr.Bunburyseemstosufferfromcuriouslybadhealth.Well,Imustsay,
Algernon,thatIthinkitishightimethatMr.Bunburywhetherhelivesordies.CanyouaskMr.
Bunbury,fromme,tobekindenoughnottohavearelapseonSaturday?Irelyonyouto
arrangemymusicforme.Itismylastreception,andonewantssomethingthatwillencourage
conversation.

ALGERNON
I'lltalktohim,andIthinkIcanpromiseyouhe'llbeallrightbySaturday.Ofcoursethemusicis
agreatdifficulty.ButI'llranovertheprogrammeI'vedrawnout,ifyouwillkindlycomeintothe
nextroomforamoment.

LADYBRACKNELL
Thankyou.[Rising,andfollowingALGERNON.]I'msuretheprogrammewillbedelightful,after
afewexpurgations.Gwendolen,accompanyme.

GWENDOLEN
Yes,mamma.

[LADYBRACKNELLandALGERNONgointothemusicroom,GWENDOLENremainsbehind.]

JACK
Charmingdayithasbeen,MissFairfax.

GWENDOLEN
Donttalktomeabouttheweather,Mr.Worthing.Wheneverpeopletalktomeaboutthe
weather,Ialwaysfeelquitecertainthattheymeansomethingelse.Andthatmakesmeso
nervous.

JACK
Idomeansomethingelse.

GWENDOLEN
Ithoughtso.Iamneverwrong.

JACK
AndIwouldliketobeallowedtotakeadvantageofLadyBracknell'stemporaryabsence...

GWENDOLEN
MammahasawayofcomingbacksuddenlyintoaroomthatIhaveoftenhadtospeaktoher
about.

JACK
[Nervously.]MissFairfax,eversinceImetyouIhaveadmiredyoumorethananygirl...Ihave
evermetsince...Imetyou.

GWENDOLEN
Imaware.Formeyouhavealwayshadanirresistiblefascination.EvenbeforeImetyouIwas
farfromindifferenttoyou.[JACKlooksatherinamazement.]Welive,asIhopeyouknow,Mr
Worthing,inanageofidealsandmyidealhasalwaysbeentolovesomeoneofthenameof
Ernest.Thereissomethinginthatnamethatinspiresabsoluteconfidence.Themoment
AlgernonfirstmentionedtomethathehadafriendcalledErnest,IknewIwasdestinedtolove
you.

JACK
Youreallyloveme,Gwendolen?

GWENDOLEN
Passionately!

JACK
Darling!Youdon'tknowhowhappyyou'vemademe.

GWENDOLEN
MyownErnest!

JACK
Butyoudon'treallymeantosaythatyoucouldn'tlovemeifmynamewasn'tErnest?

GWENDOLEN
ButyournameisErnest.

JACK
Yes,Iknowitis.Butsupposingitwassomethingelse?Doyoumeantosayyoucouldn'tlove
methen?

GWENDOLEN
[Glibly.]Thatsametaphysicalspeculation,verylittlereferencetotheactualfactsofreallife.

JACK
Personally,darling,Idon'tmuchcareaboutthenameofErnest...Idon'tthinkthenamesuits
me

GWENDOLEN
Itsuitsyouperfectly.Itisadivinename.Ithasamusicofitsown.Itproducesvibrations.

JACK
Well,ImustsaythatIthinktherearelotsofothermuchnicernames.IthinkJack,forinstance,a
charmingname.

GWENDOLEN
Jack?...No,thereisverylittlemusicinthenameJack.Nothrill,novibrations...Ihave
knownseveralJacks,andtheyallplain.TheonlyreallysafenameisErnest

JACK
Gwendolen,ImustgetchristenedatonceImeanwemustgetmarriedatonce.Thereisno
timetobelost.

GWENDOLEN
Married,Mr.Worthing?

JACK
[Astounded.]Well...surely.YouknowthatIloveyou,andyouledmetobelieve,MissFairfax,
thatyouwerenotabsolutelyindifferenttome.

GWENDOLEN
Iadoreyou.Butyouhaven'tproposed.Nothinghasbeensaidatallaboutmarriage.

JACK
Well...mayIproposetoyounow?

GWENDOLEN
Ithinkitwouldbeanadmirableopportunity.Butbeforethat,IdliketosaythatIwillacceptyou.

JACK
Gwendolen!YouknowwhatIhavegottosaytoyou.

GWENDOLEN
Yes,butyoudon'tsayit.

JACK
Gwendolen,willyoumarryme?[Goesonhisknees.]

GWENDOLEN
OfcourseIwill,darling.Howlongyouhavebeenaboutit!Iamafraidyouhavehadverylittle
experienceinhowtopropose.

JACK
Myownone,Ihaveneverlovedanyoneintheworldbutyou.

[EnterLADYBRACKNELL.]

LADYBRACKNELL
Mr.Worthing!Rise,sir,fromthissemirecumbentposture.Itismostindecorous.

GWENDOLEN
Mamma![Hetriestorisesherestrainshim.]Imustbegyoutoretire.Thisisnoplaceforyou.
Besides,Mr.Worthinghasnotquitefinishedyet.

LADYBRACKNELL
Finishedwhat?

GWENDOLEN
IamengagedtoMr.Worthing,mamma.[Theyrisetogether.]

LADYBRACKNELL
Pardonme,youarenotengagedtoanyone.YourfatherorIwouldhavetotellyouifyouare
engagedornot.Ihaveafewquestionstoputtoyou,Mr.Worthing.WhileIspeakwithMr.
Worthing,waitformeinthecarriage,Gwendolen.

GWENDOLEN
[Reproachfully.]Mamma!

LADYBRACKNELL
Inthecarriage,Gwendolen![GWENDOLENgoestothedoor.SheandJACKblowkissesto
eachotherbehindLADYBRACKNELL'Sback.LADYBRACKNELLlooksvaguelyaboutasif
shecouldnotunderstandwhatthenoisewas.Finallyturnsround.]Gwendolen,thecarriage!

GWENDOLEN
Yes,mamma.[Goesout,lookingbackatJACK.]

LADYBRACKNELL
[Sittingdown.]Youcantakeaseat,Mr.Worthing.
[Looksinherpocketfornotebookandpencil.]

JACK
Thankyou,LadyBracknell,Ipreferstanding.

LADYBRACKNELL
[Pencilandnotebookinhand.]Ifeelboundtotellyouthatyouarenotdownonmylistof
eligibleyoungmen,however,Iamquitereadytoenteryourname,shouldyouranswersbe
whatareallyaffectionatemotherrequires.Doyousmoke?

JACK
Well,yes,ImustadmitIsmoke.

LADYBRACKNELL
Iamgladtohearit.Amanshouldalwayshaveanoccupationofsomekind.Howoldareyou?

JACK
Twentynine.

LADYBRACKNELL
Averygoodagetobemarriedat.Ihavealwaysbeenofopinionthatamanwhodesirestoget
marriedshouldknoweithereverythingornothing.Whichdoyouknow?

JACK
[Aftersomehesitation.]Iknownothing,LadyBracknell.

LADYBRACKNELL
Iampleasedtohearit.Idonotapproveofanythingthattamperswithnaturalignorance.
Ignoranceislikeadelicateexoticfruittouchitandthebloomisgone.Whatisyourincome?

JACK
Betweensevenandeightthousandayear.

LADYBRACKNELL
[Makesanoteinherbook.]Inland,orininvestments?

JACK
Ininvestments,chiefly.

LADYBRACKNELL
Thatissatisfactory.Itgivesoneposition,andpreventsonefromkeepingitup.That'sallthat
canbesaidaboutland.

JACK
Ihaveacountryhousewithsomeland,ofcourse.AroundfifteenhundredacresbutIdont
dependonthatonmyrealincome.

LADYBRACKNELL
Acountryhouse!Howmanybedrooms?Well,thatpointcanbeclearedupafterwards.You
haveatownhouse,Ihope?Agirlwithasimple,unspoilednature,likeGwendolen,couldhardly
beexpectedtoresideinthecountry.

JACK
Well,IownahouseinBelgraveSquare.

LADYBRACKNELL
WhatnumberinBelgraveSquare?

JACK
149.

LADYBRACKNELL
[Shakingherhead.]Theunfashionableside.Ithoughttherewassomething.However,that
couldeasilybealtered.

JACK
Doyoumeanthefashion,ortheside?

LADYBRACKNELL
[Sternly.]Both,ifnecessary,Ipresume.Whatareyourpolities?

JACK
Well,IamafraidIreallyhavenone.IamaLiberalUnionist.

LADYBRACKNELL
Oh,theycountasTories.Theydinewithus.Nowtominormatters.Areyourparentsliving?

JACK
Ihavelostbothmyparents.

LADYBRACKNELL
Toloseoneparent,Mr.Worthing,mayberegardedasamisfortunetolosebothlookslike
carelessness.Whowasyourfather?

JACK
IamafraidIreallydon'tknow.Thefactis,LadyBracknell,IsaidIhadlostmyparents.Itwould
benearerthetruthtosaythatmyparentsseemtohavelostme...Idon'tactuallyknowwhoI
ambybirth.Iwas...well,Iwasfound.

LADYBRACKNELL
Found!

JACK
ThelateMr.ThomasCardew,anoldgentlemanofaverycharitableandkindlydisposition,
foundme,andgavemethenameofWorthing,becausehehappenedtohaveafirstclassticket
forWorthinginhispocketatthetimeisaseasideresort.

LADYBRACKNELL
Wheredidhefindyou?

JACK
[Gravely.]Inahandbag.

LADYBRACKNELL
Ahandbag?

JACK
[Veryseriously.]Yes,LadyBracknell.Iwasinahandbagasomewhatlarge,blackleather
handbag,withhandlestoitanordinaryhandbaginfact.

LADYBRACKNELL
InwhatlocalitydidthisMr.James,orThomas,Cardewcomeacrossthisordinaryhandbag?

JACK
InthecloakroomatVictoriaStation.Itwasgiventohiminmistakeforhisown.

LADYBRACKNELL
ThecloakroomatVictoriaStation?

JACK
Yes.TheBrightonline.

LADYBRACKNELL
Mr.Worthing,Iambewilderedwithallthese.Tobebornorbebredinahandbag,whetherit
hadhandlesornot,seemstometodisplayacontemptfortheordinarydecenciesoffamilylife.
Asfortheparticularlocalityinwhichthehandbagwasfound,acloakroomatarailwaystation
mightservetoconcealasocialindiscretion.

JACK
MayIaskyouthenwhatyouwouldadvisemetodo?IwoulddoanythingforGwendolens
hapiness.

LADYBRACKNELL
Iwouldstronglyadviseyou,Mr.Worthing,totryandacquiresomerelationsassoonas
possible.

JACK
WellIdontseehowIcouldmanagethat.Icangetthehandbaginmydressingroomathome.
Ireallythinkthatshouldsatisfyyou,LadyBracknell.

LADYBRACKNELL
Me,sir!Whathasittodowithme?YoucanhardlyimaginethatIandLordBracknellwould
dreamofallowingouronlydaughteragirlbroughtupwiththeutmostcaretomarryintoa
cloakroom,andformanalliancewithaparcel?Goodmorning,Mr.Worthing!
[LADYBRACKNELLsweepsoutinmajesticindignation.]

JACK
Goodmorning![ALGERNON,fromtheotherroom,strikesuptheWeddingMarch.Jacklooks
perfectlyfurious,andgoestothedoor.]Forgoodness'sakedon'tplaythatghastlytune,Algy.
Howidioticyouare!
[ThemusicstopsandALGERNONenterscheerily.]

ALGERNON
Diditgowell?DidGwendolenacceptyourproposal?

JACK
Asfarassheisconcerned,weareengaged.Hermotherisunbearable.Sheisamonster,
withoutbeingamyth,whichisratherunfair...Sorry,Algy,Ishouldn'ttalkaboutyourownaunt
inthatwaybeforeyou.

ALGERNON
Mydearboy,Ilovehearingmyrelationsabused.Itistheonlythingthatmakesmeputupwith
thematall.

JACK
Oh,thatisnonsense!

ALGERNON
Itisn't!

JACK
Well,Iwon'targueaboutthematter.

ALGERNON
Thatisexactlywhatthingswereoriginallymadefor.

JACK
Youdon'tthinkthereisanychanceofGwendolenbecominglikehermotherinaboutahundred
andfiftyyears,doyou,Algy?

ALGERNON
Allwomenbecomeliketheirmothers.Thatistheirtragedy.Bytheway,didyoutellGwendolen
thetruthaboutyourbeingErnestintown,andJackinthecountry?

JACK
[Inaverypatronisingmanner.]Mydearfellow,thetruthisn'tquitethesortofthingonetellstoa
nice,sweet,refinedgirl.Whatextraordinaryideasyouhaveaboutthewaytobehavetoa
woman!

ALGERNON
Theonlywaytobehavetoawomanistomakelovetoher.

JACK
Oh,thatisnonsense.

ALGERNON
Whataboutyourbrother?WhatabouttheprofligateErnest?

JACK
Oh,beforetheendoftheweekIshallhavegotridofhim.I'llsayhediedinParisofapoplexy.
Lotsofpeoplesuddenlydieofapoplexy,right?

ALGERNON
Yes,butit'shereditary.Maybeseverechillwouldbebetter.

ACK
Youaresureaseverechillisn'thereditary,oranythingofthatkind?

ALGERNON
Ofcourseitisn't!

JACK
Verywell,then.MypoorbrotherErnesttocarriedoffsuddenly,inParis,byaseverechill.That
getsridofhim.

ALGERNON
ButIthoughtyousaidthat...MissCardewwasalittletoomuchinterestedinyourpoorbrother
Ernest?Won'tshefeelhislossagooddeal?

JACK
Oh,thatisallright.Cecilyisnotasillyromanticgirl,Iamgladtosay.

ALGERNON
IwouldratherliketoseeCecily.

JACK
Sheisexcessivelypretty,andsheisonlyjusteighteen.

ALGERNON
HaveyoutoldGwendolenyetthatyouhaveanexcessivelyprettywardwhoisonlyjust
eighteen?

JACK
CecilyandGwendolenwillbecomegreatfriends,Iassureyou.I'llbetyou,theywillbecalling
eachothersister.

ALGERNON
Womenonlydothatwhentheyhavecalledeachotheralotofotherthingsfirst.Letsprepare
forWillisstogetgoodseats.Itsnearly7.

JACK
[Irritably.]Oh!Italwaysisnearlyseven.

ALGERNON
Well,I'mhungry.

JACK
Ineverknewyouwhenyouweren't...

ALGERNON
Whatshallwedoafterdinner?Gotoatheatre?

JACK
Ohno!Iloathelistening.

ALGERNON
Well,letusgototheClub?

JACK
Oh,no!Ihatetalking.

ALGERNON
Well,wemighttrotroundtotheEmpireatten?

JACK
Oh,no!Ican'tbearlookingatthings.Itissosilly.

ALGERNON
Well,whatshallwedo?

JACK
Nothing!

ALGERNON
Itisawfullyhardworkdoingnothing.

[EnterLANE.]

LANE
MissFairfax.

[EnterGWENDOLEN.LANEgoesout.]

ALGERNON
Gwendolen,uponmyword!

GWENDOLEN
Algy,kindlyturnyourback.IhavesomethingveryparticulartosaytoMr.Worthing.

ALGERNON
Really,Gwendolen,Idon'tthinkIcanallowthisatall.

GWENDOLEN
Algy,youalwaysadoptastrictlyimmoralattitudetowardslife.Youarenotquiteoldenoughto
dothat.[ALGERNONretirestothefireplace.]

JACK
Myowndarling!

GWENDOLEN
Ernest,wemayneverbemarried.Fromtheexpressiononmamma'sfaceIfearwenevershall.
Butalthoughshemaypreventusfrombecomingmanandwife,andImaymarrysomeone
else,andmarryoften,nothingthatshecanpossiblydocanaltermyeternaldevotiontoyou.

JACK
DearGwendolen!

GWENDOLEN
Thestoryofyourromanticorigin,asrelatedtomebymamma,withunpleasingcomments,has
naturallystirredthedeeperfibresofmynature.YourtownaddressattheAlbanyIhave.Whatis
youraddressinthecountry?

JACK
TheManorHouse,Woolton,Hertfordshire.

[ALGERNON,whohasbeencarefullylistening,smilestohimself,andwritestheaddressonhis
shirtcuff.ThenpicksuptheRailwayGuide.]

GWENDOLEN
Thereisagoodpostalservice,right?Iwillcommunicatewithyoudaily.

JACK
Myownone!

GWENDOLEN
Howlongdoyouremainintown?

JACK
TillMonday.

GWENDOLEN
Good!Algy,youmayturnroundnow.

ALGERNON
Thanks,I'veturnedroundalready.

GWENDOLEN
Youmayalsoringthebell.

JACK
Youwillletmeseeyoutoyourcarriage,myowndarling?

GWENDOLEN
Certainly.

JACK
[ToLANE,whonowenters.]IwillseeMissFairfaxout.

LANE
Yes,sir.[JACKandGWENDOLENgooff.]
[LANEpresentsseverallettersonasalvertoALGERNON.Itistobesurmisedthattheyare
bills,asALGERNON,afterlookingattheenvelopes,tearsthemup.]

ALGERNON
Aglassofsherry,Lane.

LANE
Yes,sir.
ALGERNON
Tomorrow,Lane,I'mgoingBunburying.

LANE
Yes,sir.

ALGERNON
IshallprobablynotbebacktillMonday.Youcanputupmydressclothes,mysmokingjacket,
andalltheBunburysuits...

LANE
Yes,sir.[Handingsherry.]

ALGERNON
Ihopetomorrowwillbeafineday,Lane.

LANE
Itneveris,sir.

ALGERNON
Lane,you'reaperfectpessimist.

LANE
Idomybesttogivesatisfaction,sir.

[EnterJACK.LANEgoesoff.]

JACK
There'sasensible,intellectualgirl!theonlygirlIevercaredforinmylife.[ALGERNONis
laughingimmoderately.]Whatonearthareyousoamusedat?

ALGERNON
Oh,I'malittleanxiousaboutpoorBunbury,thatinall.

JACK
Ifyoudon'ttakecare,yourfriendBunburywillgetyouintoaseriousscrapesomeday.

ALGERNON
Ilovescrapes.Theyaretheonlythingsthatareneverserious.

JACK
Oh,that'snonsense,Algy.Younevertalkanythingbutnonsense.

ALGERNON
Nobodyeverdoes.

[JACKlooksindignantlyathim,andleavestheroom.ALGERNONlightsacigarette,readshis
shirtcuff,andsmiles.]
ACTDROP