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Think about your identity and what it took to become who you are at this very

moment. All of the people youve met, the hardships, the victories, the lessons youve

learned. Everything that has happened in your life has influenced your character in some

way. One of the most influential factors that defines ones identity is the time in which

these events have taken place. Between generations, considering how radically different

society is, over time, the world changes and the rising generation is affected by it,

constantly creating different generational norms. This can be observed by examining

popular trends such as music, fashion, technology, as people adhere to whatever is in

style. Strangely enough, we can also observe this pattern in relationships. In todays

society, hooking up, dating, marriage, and divorce are all practices people engage in,

despite the fact that society only accepted some of these activities before. It is worth

noting that loving is not on the list of things people do today. By interviewing people,

each from distinct stages of relationships (divorced, married, dating and hooking up), I

search for an answer to the question: has love fallen out of style?

Back when Deena married, love was not very relevant to her relationship. Deena

met Frank through her job and after steadily dating for a while decided to get married, as

it was, the right thing to do for a couple our age. After a few years of peaceful

marriage, Deena gave birth to her first child, Sophie. This is when the relationship

became shaky. The worrying and stress kicked in for Frank and he changed, explained

Deena. The couple managed to keep their relationship together until they had another

child, Maya. Deena says, It became really clear that Frank was ready for a family and

the social goods that come with it. But he wasnt prepared to commit to the

responsibilities of parenting at all. Deena gave me the example of when Maya was first
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born. Frank was changing Mayas diapers and taking congratulations on the phone for the

birth of the healthy baby. Too caught up in the many phone calls, Frank used alcohol

wipes to clean Maya, who had a skin condition. This resulted in Maya having to stay in

the hospital for two days so the damaged skin would heal. As happenings like this

became more and more common, the fighting between Deena and Frank became more

and more intense and eventually the couple agreed to divorce.

Considering that the presence of a child is a major predictor of change in a

marriage is, Deena and Frank were simply another unfortunate couple to experience the

effects of parenting and the new responsibilities that come with it. When analyzing the

decline of the marital quality in this relationship, it can be seen that there was not much

talk of love at all. Deena admits that the marriage was partially out of convenience and

says, I wasnt madly in love with him or ridiculously attracted. We were just

compatible. We had a good time and were two good people. It fit. Despite the less-than-

stellar quality of marriage and the total lack of romantic passion, the stability of the

relationship was present.

This is an example of the possible costs of an institutional marriage. A marriage

of this sort is centered around tradition, societal or moral obligation, economic or

emotional stability, and childrearing. Over time, Deena and Frank prioritized their

responsibilities over love, specifically the responsibilities of taking care of a family. The

pressure of this responsibility was seemingly overwhelming for Frank and eventually led

the couple to divorce and surprisingly, happiness. Deena says, The marriage was not a

mistake. It was an experience. Good things go wrong all the time and things change all

the time. The divorce ended up being a good choice for everyone. Frank, Sophie, Maya
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and I are all much happier since we dont have to constantly live and breathe conflict

anymore.

Although in this case, divorce led a couple to individual happiness, I cant help

but wonder if love would have saved this couple. Had they been extremely attracted to

each other and intensely in love, would they have found an alternative to divorce?

Michael would say so. Sitting down to talk to Deenas niece, I can see a distinct, excited

sparkle in Michaels eye, even through the pixelated Skype video call. Michael got

married just over three months ago and still has the glow of a new and passionate lover.

Despite his dreamy, affectionate state, Michael speaks to me about the logical, structural

side of his new marriage. His wife, Kia, is a very independent and self-serving woman,

both emotionally and financially. As a young, working man in the 21st century, Michael

found many ways to relate to Kia and started to fall in love with her as they continued to

date. Michael admits that although he wouldve liked to propose to Kia sooner, he had

to ensure they would be able to support a stable marriage.

To test their emotional stability, they bought a house together while they were

engaged. Michael says that their cohabitation was very telling and informative. I

learned about what sharing a life together meant, says Michael. The couples challenges

were addressed through clear communication and Michael says they found themselves

even more enamored with one another. Now that they are happily married, I ask

Michael about the future. It is a real possibility that Kia and I will eventually get a

divorce. Dont get me wrong because Im absolutely in love with this woman. But my

family history doesnt really have the best record of lasting marriages. All of Michaels

aunts and uncles, like Deena, have gotten divorces. Michael met Kia much like Deena
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met Frank. Kia eventually wants to have children. I think about how the actions of the

adults he grew up around must have influence on how his relationship will develop. Its

disheartening to think that this untroubled marriage may end in divorce. However, in

discussing the matter further, I realized that there might still be hope for Michael and

Kias relationship.

Because of his familys history of divorce, Michael may have grown up with the

understanding that divorce is an option for fixing a bad marriage, however he was mainly

raised by his grandparents and says he has witnessed, firsthand how successful,

rewarding and long-lasting a marriage can be. Using this more stable influence, perhaps

he can maintain a satisfying, lengthy marriage. Also, Michael is a generation younger

than Deena, making his relationship slightly less institutional and more within his control.

Michaels balanced relationship with Kia can be classified as a companionate marriage,

which values individual equality, independence, and emotional bonds between romantic

partners. These are similar to values rooted in a friendship or partnership. There is less

regard to societal obligation in a companionate relationship such as Michael and Kias

and a more equal division of responsibility, which can reduce stress and pressures, like

what Frank experienced in his marriage. Michael and Kia seem to have made the right

transition to marriage by cohabiting, which can often help couples prepare for and ease

into married life.

With all technical and logical analysis aside, I have high hopes that Michael and

Kias marriage will be a lasting and pleasant one, hopefully following a very different

path than Deenas because the there is a strong presence of passionate and romantic love

in the relationship. The differences between Deena and Michael's marriages are not just
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generational. The fidelity one subconsciously commits to a relationship because of

romantic love is very strong and can often help a marriages stability and longevity.

A generation below Deena is Sophie. As Deenas daughter, Sophie is in a similar

position as Michael, as they both are children of divorce and are weary of the effects the

familys history of short marriages may have on their own relationships. Sophie has been

steadily dating her boyfriend Nick for almost two years now and talked to me about their

relationship. We dont rely too much on each other like most young couples do. Our

relationship is nice because theres just enough freedom and just enough support. We are

both totally capable young people and we are very independent. But we love each other,

so we care about our relationship, not just about ourselves, Sophie explains. Much like

Michaels relationship, Sophie and Nicks pairing have elements of a companionate

relationship. But perhaps as a result of the difference in generation, there are

characteristics of an expressive or individualistic relationship present in their

romance as well. Sophie says, Nick brings out so many different things in me. Its like

Im getting to know him, but when he wants to know about me, I have to figure out who I

am, so Im getting to know myself as well. This is a perfect example of the self-

fulfillment and personal liberation couples experience in an expressive or individualistic

relationship.

Because Sophie and Nicks relationship is not of an institutional nature like

Deenas, perhaps their companionate and expressive/individualistic relationship will

result in higher marital quality. I speak to Sophie about the future, telling her that I think

Nick will propose to her one of these days because I observe a difference between her

current relationship and her past partnerships. Sophie blushes for a moment and explains,
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We have talked about marriage and Ive described the life I want. I want to teach and

raise our kids in a good neighborhood in the South. I want a small and stable family. And

whats different with Nick is that he isnt just ok with the life that I imagine, he wants the

same life I want. Her fantasy is an example of Robert Sternbergs theory that our

expectations of love are derived from stories that weve experienced or observed. Also,

Sternbergs theory predicts that relationships will succeed when two peoples stories are

more closely matched. We can see that Sophies attraction to Nick is increased because

of their common desires. So perhaps because their love is strong on so many structural

levels, Sophie and Nicks relationship will not fall down the path of her familys trends of

divorce. Sophie admits that shes being proactive about keeping her relationship running

smoothly. She explains, It takes maintenance. I think I put effort into this relationship

partially because I am so aware of divorce. I practically lived my parents divorce. So

now Im trying to be smart about everything because I know there has to be another way

to solve these sorts of problems.

I believe that Sophies commitment to the well being of her relationship is

admirable and logical. Her and Nicks choice to communicate clearly and thoughtfully

with each other is an intelligent strategy to aid maintaining a satisfying relationship.

While love wasnt discussed too much in our conversation, knowing Sophie and Nick

well, I observe that the couples precautious measures being taken exactly because love is

a prime factor in their relationship and is something theyd like to preserve and protect.

However, through a totally different perspective, Kyle claims all of this maintenance for

love is unnecessary.
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While varying amounts of love have been present in the three other relationships,

which have been analyzed so far, Kyle believes love is irrelevant to a relationship. Due to

this mode of thinking, the only type of relationship he engages in is the casual,

physically, but not emotionally intimate activity of hooking up. The relationship is

more of an interaction with no emotional attachment. While such actions may not seem to

make for a healthy life, Kyle explains, Why would you ever tie yourself down to one

person? Im young and I have a life to liveI dont need a partner to hold me back! He

tells me that he is uninterested in love and marriage and therefore accepts divorce as a

logical and natural solution to conflicts.

When I try to explain to him the value of marriage and a committed relationship

he interrupts me with the personally disturbing statistic of three hook-ups in two days

followed by a nonchalant smirk. Clearly, hes happy, and arguably just as happy as those

who find peace through divorce, marriage or dating, like Deena, Michael and Sophie.

Baffled by his recklessness I question aloud, wondering where this carelessness and lack

of respect for something as traditional and common as dating comes from. Kyle blames

his entire generation and says, Hooking up is just what people do nowadays. Im not

trying to be a rebel or anything. Im actually just going with what other people do and

Ive found that hooking up is better for me than a clingy date. If hooking up is in style

for Kyles generation, is love out?

It is true that this in this day and age, emotionless hooking up is more common

than ever before. However, as we can observe that in an only slightly older generation

like Sophies, love and dating have not died out completely. While Kyle uses internet

applications like Tinder to find many different interested and available partners for hook
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ups, Sophie met Nick through the same social networking platform and they are now in a

steady and committed relationship. Kyle also says that he is not against the concept of

love, he is just not searching for it and finds hooking up to be more exciting. So even

though convenient products of technology such as Tinder promote hook up culture, we

cannot say that all hope is lost for love and relationships.

Through interviewing all four of these people, we can observe the different stages

of involvement in a relationship. In theory, if we were to choose to carry through with

relationship we would go through the hooking up, dating, married and possibly divorced

stages of a relationship. Coming from different generations, they each offer a unique

perspective on the same question: whats up with love? While Deenas situation showed

us that a pair who is moderately in love can be a compatible partnership but not a

successful married couple, Michaels experience showed us that true love and a balanced

relationship can help a marriage overcome the influence of divorce. Then, Sophie showed

us that putting care into ones relationship is a smart way to protect love, while Kyle

showed us that love is valid but may simply be uninteresting to some. We can clearly see

that although situations and generations vary, love is present throughout these

individuals relationships, hardships and experiences. So whether one is divorced,

married, dating or hooking up, love does not seem to have died out.

Works Cited

Charuvastra, Anthony. "Children of Divorce." Course Lectures. United States, New York

City.

Interview with Deena. In person interview. 1 Nov. 2014

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Interview with Kyle. In person interview. 30 Oct. 2014

Interview with Michael. In person interview. 1 Nov. 2014

Interview with Sophie. In person interview. 30 Oct. 2014