Improve Your English Writing Skill

HSBC Writing Course--"Writing for Results"
From: http://www.wenxuecity.com
Editor: Xu ShuiHong
Date: Jul. 1 2007
Table of Contents
Introduction ............................................................................................................................................ 2
Chapter 1 Plan your writing.................................................................................................................... 3
Chapter 2 Organise your writing ............................................................................................................ 7
Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to make it complete............................................................... 18
Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it cohesive .............................................................................. 30
Chapter 5 Revise your writing to make it clear and concise................................................................. 46
Chapter 6 Revise your writing to make it courteous............................................................................. 65
Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters....................................................................................................... 87
Chapter 8 Edit your writing ................................................................................................................ 106
Chapter 9 Writing For Results............................................................................................................ 132

Introduction
Welcome to "Writing for Results", a course that can help you enhance your English writing skills.
HSBC has designed this course for its staff in the Asia Pacific region. HSBC staff study this course to
improve the e-mails, memos, faxes and letters they write at work.
If you've never written business documents before, you'll find this course extremely useful. Even if
you're familiar with business writing, this course can still help you.
"Writing For Results" will help you write in a modern style. By the end of this course you'll be able to
write business documents that are: better organized, more complete, clearer and more concise, more
courteous, more correct.
The most important feature of the Writing Process is its five stages:
plan--organize--draft--revise--edit
Good writers follow the five stages of the Writing Process to

--meet their readers' expectations
--get the results they want.
Chapter 1 Plan your writing
Objectives:
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to plan your writing. You'll do this by deciding:
--why you are writing
--how you want your reader to respond
--what you want your reader to know
Why do you plan?

What is the value of planning? Think about this...
Have you ever sat at your desk not knowing how to begin? Very often, you may find writing difficult
because you start writing right away. In other words, you overlook the importance of planning before
you write. Unfortunately, "if you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So you need to plan your writing ...
and then write according to your plan. If you plan well, your writing is more likely to get the results
you want.
How can you plan your writing?

Effective writers use 3 strategies.
--WHY are you writing?
--WHAT do you want the reader to do?
--WHAT does the reader need to know?
These 3 questions provide a good framework for planning. Lets look at them one by one.
Why are you writing?

The business world is full of busy people. They don't want to waste time reading meaningless letters,
memos, faxes and e-mails. They don't want to guess why you're writing to them. That's why it's very
important for you to state your purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning.
Look at the following letter:
20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account annually
despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be refunded provided
that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to the Card Centre for
cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre
Simon's letter is not as effective as it could be. It's actually quite difficult to identify his purpose. You
may have had to guess.
Simon probably wanted to do two things:

--to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card and
--to explain how the annual fee for credit cards is charged.
So, you need to identify your purpose for writing. Your readers need to know why you are writing to
them. Therefore, you should state your purpose for writing very clearly at the beginning. You can do
this by writing a sentence which begins with a set phrase followed by a verb. For example,
Im writing to / I would like toexplain / request

When you use this method to state your purpose, the verb you choose is very important. Why?
Because it helps your reader understand why you are writing.
Here are some of the verbs you can use: announce, complain, confirm, explain, inform, notify,
propose, request and suggest.
WHAT do you want the reader to do?

After you decide why you are writing, you need to determine your reader's response.
Your readers need to know exactly what you want them to do. Therefore, you should be very specific
when determining your reader's response. Compare the following two sentences:
1. Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
2. Please pick up your new card at our Central branch by 31 May.
Sentence 2 is more specific than sentence 1.
Remember: when you decide what you want your reader to do, you need to be as specific as possible.
WHAT does the reader need to know?

So far, you've learned how to determine your purpose for writing and your reader's response. But how
can you determine what your reader needs to know? The answer depends on:
--why you are writing and
--what you want the reader to do.
Look at the letter again:

20 September 200X
Mr Robert Roman
13/F 151 Gloucester Rd
Wan Chai
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Roman
HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766
Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.
We would advise that the card fee would be automatically billed to your card account annually
despite your renewed card is remained uncollected. However, annual fee can be refunded provided
that the card is uncollected within a certain period and is returned to the Card Centre for
cancellation.
Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.
We are pleased to be of service.
Yours sincerely
S TSE
Simon Tse
Customer Service Officer
Card Centre
IF Simon
--wants to explain the charges (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to understand the charges (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

--WHAT the charges are
--WHY the charges are applied
--WHO to talk to if he has questions
IF Simon
--wants to ask Mr Roman to collect his credit card (writer's purpose)
--expects Mr Roman to collect his credit card (reader's response)
THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

--HOW to collect his credit card
--WHERE to collect his credit card
--WHEN to collect his credit card
He needs to know WHO? WHAT? WHY? WHERE? WHEN? and HOW? Some professional writers
call these the five W's and the one H. You can use the "5WIH" questions when you plan the reader's
information. If you do this, you will ensure that your reader has all the necessary information.
Summary
In this chapter, you've learned the three strategies used in planning. Planning is a key to success in
writing. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
Before you start to write, you have to plan what to write. You then write according to your plan.
When you plan, you need to consider the following:
--the writer's purpose
--the reader's response
--the reader's information.
In other words, you can help your reader by stating very clearly why you are writing and how you
expect your reader to respond. The 5W1H questions (who, what, why, where, when and how) help to
ensure you have included all the necessary information.
Then, you can provide the information your reader needs to know.
Chapter 2 Organise your writing

In Chapter 1 you learned how to plan a business letter.
In this chapter, you're going to look at the second stage of the Writing Process:
Plan to Organise.
Organise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for producing effective
correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study each chapter of this course in order,
beginning with the introductory chapter "Getting Started".
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll be able to organise your writing.

You'll do this by
preparing a clear outline

arranging the contents to fit the outline.
Planning: A Quick Review
In Chapter 1, you learned about the planning stage of the Writing Process.
Before you can organise your writing, it's important that you have planned. Do you remember the
three things you need to plan before beginning to write?
Strategies Description
Writer's purpose Why you are writing
Reader's response How you want the reader to respond
Reader's information What you want the reader to know
Organising: Why Do It
A well-organised letter, memo, fax or e-mail is easy to read and understand.
If you organise the contents of your correspondence well, you are more likely to get the results you
want.
So, organising is just as important as planning.
In fact, the second stage of the Writing Process is closely related to the first.
In the organising stage, you arrange what you've planned to write. In other words, you make an
outline.
Organising: How To Do It
How do you organise what you have planned?
Do you need to use a different outline for every letter, memo, fax and e-mail that you write?
Not at all! For some special situations, you'll need special outlines. You'll look at those in Chapter 7.
However, for most of your written correspondence, you can follow a standard outline. You'll learn
that outline in this chapter.
But before you learn how to organise the contents of your correspondence, you should look at the
various types of correspondence you may have to write.
Organising: Types of Correspondence
How many types of correspondence do you need to write?
Basically, two:
internal correspondence (the messages you write to colleagues)
external correspondence (the messages you write to customers).
However, when you write to colleagues or customers, you can use a variety of documents.
Do you know which types of documents you can use when you write to colleagues? And which types
you can send to customers?
For internal correspondence, you can use e-mail, fax and memo. For external correspondence, you can
use e-mail, fax and letter.
The way you organise the content of most e-mails, faxes, letters and memos is similar. However, the
format - or layout - of these documents is different.
Can you recognise the formats of the documents you write?
The way you organise the contents of most documents is similar.
Try to discover the basic outline you can use in most of your correspondence.
Read through the memo below and try to identify what type of content each of the four paragraphs
contains.
The HSBC Group MEMO
To: All Staff Date: 20 July 200X

From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code
As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.

The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there are no
changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times. On the other
hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However, on any day that you
do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are dressed in a business-like
manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call Annie
Wong on 2344 7765.
Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writers purpose
Paragraph3: readers information
Paragraph4: readers response
Now read through the letter below. Identify the type of content in each of the five paragraphs in the
spaces provided.
HSBC
29 May 200X
34D Scenic Lane

Discovery Bay
Lantau Island
Dear Ms Hui
Classic Visa Card: Annual Fee
Thank you for your letter of 5 November. In the letter, you mentioned that you had sent a cheque
to settle your Visa Card Annual Fee.
I would like to explain the situation.
We have checked our records carefully. Unfortunately, we have not yet received the cheque,
although we are normally very efficient when dealing with incoming remittances.
Therefore, to help us prepare your new Visa Card, we would be grateful if you could settle the
payment immediately.
We look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Lily Tam
Customer Service Manager.
Answers:
Paragraph1: background
Paragraph2: writers purpose
Paragraph3: readers information
Paragraph4: readers response
Paragraph5: closing marks
As you can see, there is only a small difference in the outlines you use when writing to colleagues and
customers.
When you write to customers, you include a salutation (Dear...) and a complimentary close (Yours
sincerely / faithfully).
When writing to customers, you always add a polite closing remark. You can also add this remark
when writing to colleagues.
By now, you should be familiar with

the types of correspondence you write
the types of documents you can use
the basic outline you can usually follow.
To learn how to organise a letter to a customer, go to the next screen.
Organising: SOFAR Strategy
So far, so good?
Actually, if you remember that expression - SOFAR -- it'll help you remember how to organise
external correspondence.
Salutation Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss...

Opening Background + Purpose
Facts Reader's Information
Action Reader's Response
Remarks Polite Closing
You can also use this outline for memos and internal e-mails. Just leave out the salutation.
SALUTATION
The Salutation begins with 'Dear'.
The Salutation should include the reader's name (eg, Dear Mr Chan, Dear Ms Lewis). You can use the
reader's first name (eg, Dear John) if you know them well.
If you do not know the reader's name, use "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam".
If you do not know if the reader is a man or a woman, use "Dear Sir or Madam".
OPENING (BACKGROUND)
The Opening includes two parts (and usually two paragraphs):

the background (referring to previous contact with the reader or introducing a situation)
the writer's purpose
These provide a logical introduction to your correspondence and help the reader focus on the subject.
The background "sets the scene" by referring to a previous contact (memo, letter, phone call etc). If
you've had no previous contact with the reader, you should briefly describe the situation that you are
writing about.
EXAMPLES:
Previous contact: Thank you for your call this morning.
A situation: Our annual staff party is coming soon!
An attention-grabbing statement or question: Have you heard
about...? Our Department Open Day is coming soon!
Some opening sentences are better than others.
Read through the sentences in the table below. Decide which sentence of each pair (in Column A and
Column B) is better.
Column A Column B
With reference to your correspondence of 21 Thank you for your letter of 21 August.
August...
Further to our conversation earlier today... Thank you for your call today about...
Regarding your request for credit approval... I have just received your request for credit
approval.
If you chose the sentences in Column B, you've chosen the better ones.
Why?
Sentences that begin with prepositions (eg, with, in, further, for, following, regarding) are difficult to
write correctly. They are also quite long and therefore more difficult for your reader to understand.
So, keep your writing simple by writing shorter, more direct sentences.
OPENING (WRITER'S PURPOSE)
In the second part of the opening you state the writer's purpose.
You've already learned (in Chapter 1) that there can be many purposes for writing.
Two of the most common reasons are:

to inform someone about something
to request someone to do something.
Look at the memo from the General Manager again. Which sentence states the manager's purpose for
writing?
The HSBC Group MEMO

From: General Manager Reference
Subject: Dress Code
As you know, we have always enforced a strict dress code. We have now revised this code.
I would like to inform you of the changes.
The code for branch staff and office staff is different. As I'm sure you will appreciate, there are no
changes for branch staff. All branch staff must wear the correct uniform at all times. On the other
hand, if you work in the office, you may wear 'smart-casual' wear. However, on any day that you
do meet people from outside the company, please ensure you are dressed in a business-like
manner.
Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September. If you have any questions, please call Annie
Wong on 2344 7765.
Answer: I would like to inform you of the changes.
To practise writing openings, do the exercise below.
Read the two situations below and write an appropriate opening for each of them.
Situation 1: You are replying to a customer who called this morning asking for details about opening a
new account.
Situation 2: You are replying to a customer's letter that you received yesterday. He would like to know
why delivery of his order is late.
Suggested answers:
Situation 1:
Thank you for calling this morning asking about how to open a new account.
I am delighted to give you the details about opening a Premier account.
Situation 2:
Thank you for your letter of 28 April about the delivery of your order.
I apologise for the delay and would like to explain what has happened.
FACTS
In the Opening, you provide your reader with background information and state your purpose.
In the next part of the letter - Facts - you provide all the information your reader needs so that they
can
understand your purpose completely
respond appropriately.
Remember, though - only one main idea per paragraph! If you have a lot of information for the reader,
write several paragraphs in this section.
ACTION
After reading the information you have provided in the Facts section, your reader should be able to
respond.
In the next section -- Action -- you should tell your reader

how to respond (what they need to do)
when to respond (by what date/time).
For example, if you are writing to invite someone to lunch, what do you want your reader to do?
Come to lunch, right? It may seem obvious to you, but you need to make it obvious to your reader, too.
That will get the result you want.
Example:
Writer's Purpose: I'd like to invite you to lunch next Thursday.

Reader's Response: Please call by Tuesday and let me know if you can come.
What you want your reader to do often depends on why you are writing.
Writer's purpose Reader's response

Invite Please let me know if you will be able to join us.
Confirm If we need to make any changes to the schedule, please let me know before Friday.
Inform Please adopt the new dress code from 1 September.
Request Please send your bid to us by 15 March.
Complain Please deliver the delayed shipment within three days.
REMARKS
When writing to customers, you want to end politely and positively. You often can do this with just
one sentence.
But be careful! Try to make your writing sound natural - as if you were speaking to the reader
face-to-face.
Have you ever written sentences like these? Would you actually say them to someone in person?
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Think about a more natural way to close a letter, memo, fax or e-mail.
Examples:
I look forward to hearing from you.

I look forward to receiving your order.
I hope this information is useful.
Please call me if you need any further information.
Please call me if you have any questions.
Organising: Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to organise the contents of the documents you write.
You learned that, when writing to colleagues or customers, you usually can follow a similar outline.
SOFAR can help you remember the basic outline.
In the following Summary Exercise, you can use SOFAR to help you arrange the contents of a letter.
Organising: Summary Exercise
There are 10 sentences and 3 other parts of a letter below. Please arrange them in the correct order
(1-13).
(1) Yours sincerely
(2) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.
(3) I am sorry that I was not in the office when you rang.
(4) We do have a branch in Singapore.
(5) I hope this information is helpful.
(6) Dear Mr Rushford
(7) The address is
54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore

.
(8) Alex Ribero
(9) I am pleased to provide the information you requested.
(10) The manager is Mr David Ong
(11) He can provide you with the financial advice you are seeking.
(12) Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.
(13) His telephone number is +65 535 1234.
Answer:
Dear Mr Rushford(6)
Thank you for trying to contact me by phone yesterday.(12) I am sorry that I was not in the office
when you rang.(3)
I am pleased to provide the information you requested.(9)
We do have a branch in Singapore.(4) The address is 54 Liu Fang Road, Jorong Town, Singapore.(7)
The manager is Mr David Ong(10) May I suggest that you contact Mr Ong directly.(2)
His telephone number is +65 535 1234.(13) He can provide you with the financial advice you are
seeking.(11)
I hope this information is helpful. (5)
Yours sincerely(1)
Alex Ribero(8)
Well Done!
You've now completed Chapter 2!
In this chapter you continued to learn about the Writing Process by looking at the second stage -
Organise.
So now you can organise your business correspondence by

preparing a clear outline
arranging the contents.
In the next chapter, you'll look at the third stage - Draft, and the beginning of the fourth stage --
Revise.
See you there!
Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to
make it complete
Overview
In the last two chapters, you've learned and practised the first two stages of the Writing Process: Plan
and Organise.
In this chapter, you'll look at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. Together, these two stages take
the most time. Writing the first draft takes less time than revising. You'll focus on writing the first
draft and taking the first step in revising your draft.
Plan to Organise to Draft to Revise
This course is based on the Writing Process, a step-by-step procedure for producing effective
correspondence. Therefore, HSBC recommends that you study each chapter of this course in order,
beginning with the introductory chapter "Getting Started".
Objectives
In this chapter, you'll start working on a writing project.

As you do so, you'll be able to
draft a letter and
revise your letters to make them complete.
Planning and Organising: A Quick Review
In the first two stages of the Writing Process, you plan and organise what you're going to write.
In planning, you decide
why you are writing (writer's purpose)

how your reader will respond (reader's response)
what your reader needs to know (reader's information).
You then organise your plan by creating an outline.
Drafting: Before You Begin

In this chapter, you'll begin to write a letter. As you write this letter, you'll work through all five
stages of the Writing Process.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE SITUATION

The letter you will write is based on the following situation:
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into his Premier account.
Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name) was not exactly the same as the name on
the account. The name on the cheque was Mr Robert Pery (instead of Perry). As a result, the money
was not credited to Mr Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name is exactly the same
as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited into his account.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: THE TASK

You are a Customer Relationship Officer. Although there is a standard form to deal with this situation,
your manager has asked you to write a letter to Mr Perry, as he is a valued customer.
Mr Perry's details are as follows:
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account no: 613 556556 888
Cheque no: 60263
Payee name: Mr R Pery
Name on account record: Mr R Perry
What will you do next? Think about this...
You're not going to start writing immediately, are you?
Remember: there are five stages in the Writing Process. You always need to begin with the first stage.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING

What should you do first? You should plan what to write!
Do you remember the 3 strategies you use when planning to write?
The 3 strategies in planning are
WHY are you writing to Mr Perry? (ie the Writer's Purpose)
WHAT do you want Mr Perry to do? (ie the Reader's Response)
WHAT does Mr Perry need to know? (ie the Reader's Information).
LETTER TO MR PERRY: PLANNING

How did you do? Here is a suggested plan:
Suggested Answer
Writer's Purpose
- To explain the situation (why the cheque was not accepted)
- To propose / suggest a solution
Reader's Response
- To understand why the cheque was not accepted
- To accept our suggestion
Reader's Information
- The name on the cheque needs to match the name on the account card
- The writer of the cheque needs to issue another cheque with the correct name
Remember to always keep your plan with you as your guide. This will ensure that you get the results
you want from your writing.
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING

Now that you've completed your plan, you need to organise it.
Do you remember the five sections of a letter?
To help you recall these sections:
Salutation
Opening (Background & Purpose)
Facts (Reader's Information)
Action (Reader's Response)
Remarks
LETTER TO MR PERRY: ORGANISING

How did you do?
Suggested Outline
Salutation:
Dear Mr Perry
Opening:
refer to "Quick Deposit" cheque
apologise that cheque cannot be accepted
writing to explain situation and suggest solution
Facts:
explain that name was misspelled
explain that name on cheque needs to match name on account card
Action:
ask the writer of the cheque to issue another one
Remarks:
hope information is useful
Drafting: How To Do It
LETTER TO MR PERRY: DRAFTING
Now that you know what drafting is all about, you can draft the letter to Mr Perry.
To do this, you need to have your plan with you so you can write according to your plan. You also
need a pen and paper.
Remember the two strategies when you draft:
Keep writing
Don't edit.
LETTER TO MR PERRY
Use the information on this screen to draft a letter.
Situation:
Our customer, Mr Robert Perry, deposited a cheque through 'Quick Deposit' into his Premier account.
Unfortunately, the name on the cheque (the bearer's name) was not exactly the same as the name on
the account. The name on the cheque was Mr Robert Pery (not Perry). As a result, the money was not
credited to Mr Perry's account.
Solution:
Mr Perry needs to ask the drawer to write another cheque, making sure the name is exactly the same
as on the account card. Then, the money can be deposited into this account.
Account Details:
Name: Mr Perry
Address: Flat 3A, Bayshore Tower, Mary's Point, Vancouver
Account No.: 613 556556 888
Cheque No.: 60263
Payee Name: Mr R Pery
Name on Account Record: Mr R Perry
When you finish, write "First Draft" on the top margin of your letter. You'll work on the draft later in
this chapter and also in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Revising: Why Do It
You've now completed your draft, and you're ready to move on to the next stage of the Writing
Process: Revise.
Why do you think revising is important?
Revising your writing transforms your unfinished draft into an effective letter that gets results.
In fact, revising is so important that you often need to revise your writing several times. This is the
longest stage in the Writing Process.
To see why revising is important, look at the letter below. The writer has forgotten to revise it. As you
read the letter, think about the three questions in the box on the right.
Dear Ms Green Questions
PPS
What is the letter about
I refer to your recent communication, and for

your information please be advised that the PPS
details and application form were sent to you at Not very clear - it could be about something
an earlier date. (PPS?) that the writer has sent
Thank you for your kind attention. What does the writer want Ms Green to do
Yours sincerely Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.
Clever Man
If you were Ms Green, what would you do after

reading the letter
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
What is the letter about
Not very clear - it could be about something (PPS?) that the writer has sent
What does the writer want Ms Green to do
Also not clear - Ms Green could only guess.
If you were Ms Green, what would you do after reading the letter
You may need to call or write to the writer and ask for an explanation.
As you can see, the writer of the letter may need to send another letter to explain. That is, the letter
does not get the intended results.
Revising: How To Do It
How can you revise your writing?
You've used strategies for all the other stages in the Writing Process. You also can use a strategy for
revising.
The strategy you can use for revising is very easy to remember. It's based on the "5 Cs".
Strategy for Revising:

Complete
Cohesive
Clear
Concise
Courteous
In fact, to ensure that your letter gets results, you need to revise your letter 5 times. Each time you
revise, you'll focus on one of the "5 Cs".
The strategy you can use to revise your writing is very systematic.
You start revising the whole document and then move on to smaller parts such as paragraphs and
sentences.
Whole paragraph is complete.
Paragraphs are cohesive.
Sentences are concise, courteous and clear.
Being Complete: Why Do It
You've learned that you need to revise your writing 5 times to get results. You're going to begin
revising by looking at being complete. You'll look at the other "Cs" in the next chapters.
You'll learn how to check your documents to make them complete.
What do you think a complete document contains?
When you revise your writing to make it complete, you make it easy for your reader to respond. The
reader doesn't need to look for missing information.
You'll also help the reader save time; they don't need to read irrelevant information.
Therefore, a complete document contains
all that the reader needs to know

only what the reader needs to know
Being Complete: How To Do It
How do you know that your letter is complete?

You need to ask yourself two questions:
What is the structure of the letter?

What should I include in the content of the letter?
Usually, when you want to check if your letter is complete, you begin by looking at the structure of
the letter.
A business letter contains 5 parts. The proper arrangement of these 5 parts is S-O-F-A-R.
Salutation
Opening
Facts
Action
Remark
STRUCTURE
Check the structure of the letter below. Try to identify the five parts of the letter.
Ms Fiona Green
100 Clearwater Bay Road
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS
details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind
attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Is the structure of the letter complete?
One part is missing from the letter. What is it?

A (for Action) is missing. In other words, the writer did not include the reader's response. That's why
the reader will not know what to do after reading the letter.
You can check to see if your letter is complete by looking at the structure - or outline - of your letter.
If one or more parts is/are missing, your letter is not complete. So, it needs to be revised.
There is, however, another way to check to see if your letter is complete.
CONTENT
You can also check the contents of the letter to see if it is complete. You can do this by comparing the
contents of your letter with the plan you wrote earlier in the Writing Process.
What should be included in the contents of your letter?
the writer's purpose

the reader's response
all and only the information the reader needs.
Look at Clever Man's letter again. Try to identify the writer's purpose, the reader's response and the
information the reader needs.
What is missing from Clever Man's letter?
The writer has stated his purpose: he is "advising" the reader. The writer has also given the reader
some information: he notes that the "PPS details and application form were sent". But the writer does
not tell the reader what to do. So, the reader's response is missing.
As a result, the reader had to phone Clever Man to find out what she should do. He told her to fill out
the form and return the application form to him.
Try to revise Clever Man's letter to make it complete. On a piece of paper, write what you think the
reader should do. Then decide where you should place this reader's response in the letter.
Suggested answer:
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS details
and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
You've checked the structure and the contents. As a result, you had to revise the letter by adding a
sentence.
Now the letter should be complete. However, there's one more thing you can do to check if a letter is
complete.
You can use the "5W1H method". Do you remember this method? (You learned it in Chapter 1.)
The "5W1H method" involves asking the 5W and 1H questions, ie
Who? What? Why? When? Where? (5W)
How? (1H)
You should use this method whenever you write to
request action or information

provide information.
This will help you make sure that you include all and only the information that the reader needs.
In this chapter, you started working on a writing project: the letter to Mr Perry. As you worked on the
letter, you reviewed the first two stages in the Writing Process: Plan and Organise.
You learned the strategies for drafting, ie the third stage in the Writing Process. When you draft, just
keep writing and don't edit. You can always check it later.
When you finished drafting, you started the fourth stage: Revise. Revising your documents will ensure
that you get results. However, it takes time to revise because you need to do it 5 times. You need to
check each of the "5 Cs".
In this chapter, you focused on revising your document to make it complete (the first "C").
To check that your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and content. You can use
your plan and the outline to help you. You can also ask the "5W1H" questions.
Summary Exercise
There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you will review what you learned in this chapter.
In Exercise 2, you will practise revising a letter for completeness.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
To review how to draft and revise your documents, do the exercise below.
Each question has four possible answers. However, only one answer is correct. Click on the correct
answer for each question.
1. When you draft,
A. only write, don't edit
B. write and edit
C. write and correct grammar
D. write and correct spelling
2. Make sure your document is
A. cohesive
B. clear
C. concise
D. complete
3. Check that your paragraphs are

A. complete
B. clear
C. cohesive
D. concise
4. Make sure that your sentences are
A. complete and cohesive
B. concise
C. clear, concise and courteous
D. complete, cohesive and clear
Answers: ADCC
SUMMARY EXERCISE 2: LETTER TO MR PERRY
In this exercise you'll practise revising a letter to make it complete. To do this exercise, you'll need the
letter which you drafted to Mr Perry earlier in this chapter.
To make sure your letter is complete, you need to check both the structure and the content.
STRUCTURE
To check the structure, you need to identify the five parts of a letter (S, O, F, A, R) in your draft.
If you can't identify all five parts in your draft to Mr Perry, you need to revise the letter to make it
complete.
CONTENT
To check the content of your draft, you need to identify the basic parts of your plan. You can do this
by using a highlight pen to highlight the following:
writer's purpose
reader's response
reader's information.
If you can't identify the three basic parts of your plan in your draft, you need to revise the letter.
When you finish revising Mr Perry's letter for completeness, keep both the "First Draft" and the latest
revised draft. You will need them in Chapters 4-6 and 8.
Well done!
In this chapter you looked at stages 3 and 4 in the Writing Process:
Draft
Revise
So now you can draft and revise a letter by using three important strategies.
You can make sure your document is complete by
1) checking the structure of your draft as you identify the five parts of a letter (S-O-F-A-R)
2) checking the content of your draft as you identify the basic parts of your writing plan (writer's
purpose, reader's response, reader's information)
3) checking the specific information in your draft as you answer the 5W1H questions.
Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it
cohesive
Overview
Welcome to Chapter 4.
In Chapter 3, you learned how to
draft a document and
revise a document to make sure it is complete.
In this chapter you'll continue to learn how to revise what you write. You'll concentrate on the
paragraphs of your written documents. In other words, you'll learn how to make your paragraphs
cohesive.
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to revise your paragraphs and make them cohesive.
Do you know what cohesive means?
Cohesive: when all the parts are related to form a whole.
You'll make your paragraphs cohesive by learning two things:
1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write a cohesive paragraph using
a topic sentence
supporting sentences and
transitions.
Being Cohesive: What Is A Paragraph?
Look at the following letter. In Chapter 3, you revised it to make it complete. But something is still
wrong. Do you know what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the PPS
details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete and return the
form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Answer:
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
What's wrong with this letter?
Can you see that
it only has one paragraph?
the paragraph is very long?
there are several unrelated ideas in the paragraph?
As a result, the paragraph in this letter is not cohesive.
You need to revise paragraphs like this.
To achieve this, you need to know the answer to the following question:
What is a cohesive paragraph?
Before you can write a cohesive paragraph, you need to know what a cohesive paragraph is.
Do you know what a cohesive paragraph is?
Choose the option that you think best describes a cohesive paragraph.
1. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing many unrelated ideas or subjects.
2. A cohesive paragraph is a group of unrelated sentences containing many unrelated ideas or
subjects.
3. A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single idea or subject.
4. A cohesive paragraph is one long sentence containing one idea or subject.
Learning Point 1
A paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single subject or idea.
All the sentences in a paragraph should be related to that one idea.
If they're related, then the paragraph will be cohesive.
Remember: one paragraph, one idea. Begin a new paragraph each time you introduce a new idea.
Now take a blank sheet of paper and try to revise the letter from Clever Man to Ms Green.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication, and for your information please be advised that the
PPS details and application form were sent to you at an earlier date. If you complete and
return the form to us, we can process your application immediately. Thank you for your
kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
I refer to your recent communication.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent
to you at an earlier date.
If you complete and return the form to us, we can process your application immediately.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branc
Now there are four paragraphs instead of one. Each of these paragraphs, though, contains just one
sentence. You can have only one sentence in a paragraph. However, a paragraph usually contains
more than one sentence.
The rule is: New idea, new paragraph
You can practise this rule in the following exercise.
The ten sentences below all describe a market. Look at the sentences and then answer the questions in
boxes A and B.
The building between
It was built in 1875.
The market sells fresh food, like fish.
It also sells fruit.
It also sells vegetables.
It used to sell meat.
Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
The market is open seven days a week.
It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again from 4 pm to 8 pm.
It is closed during the New Year Holiday.
A: B:
If you were writing an essay on the subject of What would be the main ideas of each of these
the market using these sentences, how many paragraphs?
paragraphs do you think you would need? The building
1234 The food
Opening times
Henessey Road
The three paragraphs below contain the ten sentences from the above exercise.
1. The building The building between
2. The food The market sells fresh food, like fish. It also sells fruit. It also sells vegetables. It used to
sell meat. Meat is now sold in the supermarket.
3. Opening times The market is open seven days a week. It is open from 7 am to 1 pm and then again
from 4 pm to 8 pm. It is closed during the New Year Holiday.
Each of these paragraphs contains a group of sentences that are related to a single idea. Can you
identify the idea in each paragraph?
Answers:
Paragraph 1 talks about the building: where it's located and when it was built. It doesn't talk about
anything else.
Paragraph 2 talks about the different kinds of food that were sold and are sold now. It doesn't talk
about anything else.
Paragraph 3 talks about the opening times. It doesn't talk about anything else.
Being Cohesive: What is a Cohesive Paragraph?
You've just learned how to define a cohesive paragraph:
A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences all related to one idea.
You're now going to learn how to write a cohesive paragraph.
Do you remember the three things that can help make each paragraph you write cohesive?
a topic sentence
supporting sentences
transitions
Being Cohesive: What Is A Topic Sentence?

In this section, you're going to discover two things:
what a topic sentence is and
what a topic sentence does.
In business writing, the topic sentence is
usually the first sentence of the paragraph
short, with only 7 to 10 words
the most general sentence in the paragraph.
Look at the following example of a topic sentence. It describes the HSBC Home Mortgage Loan.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very competitive.
The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In addition, it gives you
a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole period.
Notice that the topic sentence

is the first sentence of the paragraph
has only ten words
contains general information; the other sentences contain specific information.
Being Cohesive: What Does A Topic Sentence Do?

Do you know what a topic sentence does?
In business writing, the topic sentence:
summarises the main idea of the paragraph
helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.
Look again at the example of the topic sentence describing a mortgage loan. Note that the topic
sentence:
summarises the main idea, ie that a Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property
suggests the rest of the paragraph will describe how the Loan eases the stress.
Learning Point 2
The topic sentence summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
It is the most general sentence in the paragraph.
For maximum impact, the topic sentence should be short, with only 7-10 words.
In business writing, the topic sentence is usually the first sentence of the paragraph. The topic
sentence helps the reader predict what the paragraph is about.
In the exercise below, each group of sentences could form a paragraph if they were re-organised.
Try to identify the topic sentence in each group, ie the sentence that should go first.
1.
a. Your staff need to feel that you value their work.
b. As a team leader, you face several challenges.
c. Staff also want to be treated as individuals.
d. In addition, you need to make them aware of the team's work.
e. Through your actions, you must earn their respect.
B introduces the idea of a team leader's challenges, the other sentences list some of these challenges.
2.
a. Everyone also knows in what areas they need to improve.
b. Finally, everyone knows what is expected of them in the future.
c. In addition, everyone knows how they can improve.
d. A good appraisal system produces four results.
e. Everyone is aware of their achievements.
D introduces the idea of a good appraisal system saying there are four results. The other sentenses list
the four results.
3.
a. Inflation seems to be on the rise.
b. Every day the newspaper brings more bad news.
c. Older people are worried about their pension schemes.
d. Major department stores are closing down.
e. The unemployment figures are rising.
B introduces the statement that newspapers bring bad news. The other sentenses list some examples of
this bad news.
Being Cohesive: Topic Sentence

In this exercise, the topic sentence is missing. Write a topic sentence that
introduces the subject of the paragraph and
summarises the main idea of the paragraph.
1. Problems in service.
a. First, phones are answered too slowly.
b. Second, customers are put on hold too frequently.
c. Third, messages are not taken down accurately.
2. We can not agree on your request.

a. Our records show that your income has been irregular.
b. We also note that your overdraft limit has been reached.
c. Moreover, your other personal loan has not been fully repaid
Answer:
1. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "There are three major problems with our telephone answering
service."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
2. There is no model answer. However, you're doing well if your sentence contains an
expression similar to this: "Unfortunately, we are unable to grant you another loan."
This sentence introduces the idea that is expanded upon in the other sentences.
Being Cohesive: What Does A Supporting Sentence Do?

Now, you're going to learn another feature of cohesive paragraphs: supporting sentences.
Do you know what a supporting sentence does?
In business writing, supporting sentences support the main idea by
expanding or developing the main idea
explaining, eg identifying causes, effects, reasons etc
providing specific details.
Remember each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea (topic sentence).
Look at the example paragraph again.
Our Home Mortgage Loan eases the stress of buying property. Our terms are very
competitive. The flexible repayment schedule enables you to budget your expenses. In
addition, it gives you a clear picture of your financial commitment for the whole period.
Notice how the supporting sentences

develop the main idea by continuing to talk about the Home Mortgage Loan
explain how the loan can ease the stress of buying a property
provide specific details.
Also, see how each supporting sentence is related to the main idea (topic sentence).
Finally, note the number of supporting sentences in a paragraph. The example paragraph contains
three. Usually, there are no more than five!
Learning Point 3
Supporting sentences support the main idea expressed in the topic sentence. They do this by
expanding or developing the main idea
explaining, eg identifying causes, effects or reasons
providing specific details.
Remember:
include only 1-5 supporting sentences in a paragraph
each supporting sentence must be related to the main idea.
Being Cohesive: Supporting Sentences

You can practise working with supporting sentences in the following exercise.
In each of the paragraphs that follow, there is a sentence that doesn't belong. The first one has already
been done as an example.
1.
a. Most people know that coffee contains caffeine.
b. Few people realise that tea also contains caffeine.
c. Many soft drinks, such as cola, contain caffeine as well.
d. Diet soft drinks contain fewer calories than regular soft drinks.
The fourth sentence doesn't belong in the paragraph because it discusses a different idea. The
paragraph is about "caffeine"; the fourth sentence is about "calories".
Now try to find the sentence that doesn't belong in each of the three paragraphs below.
2.
a. Our new Premier account has many benefits.
b. You can use your Premier card at any HSBC ATM machine worldwide free of charge.
c. Also, you will receive a Premier Mastercard with no annual fee.
d. In addition, the minimum balance is $300,000.
D is not a benefit, it is a requirement.
3.
a. The company is experiencing serious financial difficulties.
b. For the past five years, the company has had low profits.
c. All important decisions are made at managers' monthly meetings.
d. Recruitment efforts have been curtailed to save money.
C says nothing to support the fact that the company is experiencing serious financial difficulties.
4.
a. The company has become very selective in recruiting.
b. All executives must now be university graduates.
c. They will also receive an enhanced benefits package.
d. In addition they need to demonstrate computer skills.
e. Finally, they are required to pass an English test.
C does not support the idea that the company has become selective with its recruiting.
Look at the two topic sentences below. Write two or three sentences that support the main idea
expressed in each topic sentence.
1. I recommend that Larry Grafton be promoted.
2. To finalize the details of the staff party, I would like some more information.
1. There is no model answer. However, if you gave reasons to support your recommendation,
then you've got the right idea.
"He has performed well throughout the year. Moreover, he shows potential beyond his present
position."
2. There is no model answer. However, if you gave more details about the arrangements, you've
got the right idea.
"Could you please tell me the exact number of guests and the seating arrangements? I would
also like to know if you would prefer a Chinese menu or an English menu."
Being Cohesive: What Are Transitions?

In this section, you're going to look at the next feature of cohesive paragraphs: transitions.
Do you know what transitions do?
In business writing, transitions
link sentences together and
show the relationships between sentences.
What does this mean?
Read the following paragraph, which has NO transitions. What do you think of this paragraph?
The customer had proper identification. Her records showed that her account was overdrawn.
She didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. The counter service officer couldn't make the
withdrawal for her.
This is NOT an effective paragraph.
The ideas don't flow smoothly. The writer "jumps" from one idea to another. The ideas are not linked
together. It's difficult to guess what's coming next.
Being Cohesive: Different Types Of Transitions

Look at the paragraph again. This time, you will see that three types of transitions are used.
The customer had proper identification. However, her records showed that her account was
overdrawn. In addition, she didn't have a pre-arranged overdraft facility. Therefore, the counter
service officer couldn't make the withdrawal for her.
The use of However at the beginning of the second sentence signals a change in direction. It suggests
a comparison / contrast is about to follow. If a customer has the proper identification, you would
expect everything to be okay. But, in this case, everything is not okay and the word However tells you
this.
In addition tells you of the other problem the writer wants to mention (ie, no overdraft facility). It
highlights the fact that there are two problems: the customer's account is overdrawn and the customer
has no overdraft facility. The transition also shows you that these two problems are of equal
importance.
Therefore draws your attention to the cause and effect relationship between the ideas contained in this
paragraph. The two problems mentioned above were the cause. The final effect was that the counter
service officer was unable to make the withdrawal for the customer.
Can you see how transitions make a paragraph cohesive? Without them your reader may get confused
or misunderstand what you're trying to say.
Being Cohesive: 5 Types of Transitions

In the table below, five types of transitions are listed with some examples.
When you want to you can use Transition category

Give specific examples For example, Such as, To illustrate, Example
Namely
Show the sequence of First, Then, Finally, Earlier Sequence
actions or events, giving
instructions
Introduce additional In addition, Also, Moreover, Equal weight
information of equal Furthermore, Similarly, Likewise
importance
Show similarities or However, Yet, On the other hand, Comparison/Contrast
differences But
Show results of actions Therefore, As a result, So, Cause-effect

Consequently
In the previous screen, you saw how to use three types of transitions:
1) comparison / contrast
2) equal weight
3) cause-effect
Look at the following sentence to see how the other two categories of transitions are used.
Then you can write an opening sentence, such as, "Thank you for your letter of 14 February
2000," ...
Notice how Then is giving an instruction for the next action in a sequence of events.
Such as tells you that an example of an opening sentence (mentioned in the first phrase) is about to
follow.
Learning Point 4
There are five basic types of transitions:
Example
Sequence
Contrast / compare
Equal importance
Cause / effect.
Transitions make a paragraph cohesive by

linking the sentences together smoothly
showing the relationship between sentences
helping us move quickly between ideas.
They show the reader where we've been and where we're going with our writing.
Being Cohesive: Transitions
In this exercise, choose the set of three transitions that you think is the most suitable for the paragraph.
For example, if you think the correct transitions for paragraph 1 are
In addition, Consequently and Later, then choose option A
1. Nancy is very busy. She wants to go home but she has to telephone a long list of new customers to
confirm their orders. ________, she has to write many e-mails. ________, she will have to stay late at
the office. _______ , when she's finished, she will go home.
A. In addition, Consequently, Later

B. If, Therefore, Besides
C. Then, Finally, Again
D. Then, For instance, Later
2. There will be an important company meeting this weekend. All the Directors will be there. _____ ,
all the Senior Managers will be there. We will discuss new business developments on Saturday. ____ ,
on Sunday, we will look at new business strategies. _____ , the Chairman will address everyone and
give a speech in the evening before dinner.
A. Later, Finally, Consequently

B. In addition, Then, Finally
C. Later, So, Consequently
D. However, Before, For example
3. Life is full of difficult questions. ______ , what would you do if you suddenly had an accident?
_______ , what if the accident prevented you from working? Maybe everything would be fine without
HSBC insurance. _______ , for just a few dollars each month, you could provide your family with
complete peace of mind.
A. Also, In fact, On the other hand

B. Nevertheless, However, To illustrate
C. For example, Moreover, On the other hand
D. First, Then, For example
In each of the sentences below, the transitions are missing, unnecessary or incorrect. Correct each
sentence. After you've corrected a sentence, click "A" to see the answer.
1. We sell insurance. We sell investment products.
We sell insurance. We also sell investment products. (missing transition)
2. Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. Sales have not increased.
Our advertising budget has increased over the last quarter. However, sales have not increased. -
(missing transition)
3. Although, I wanted to go to the seminar, but I didn't have the time.
Although, I wanted to go to the seminar, but I didn't have the time.

Although I wanted to go to the seminar, but I didn't have the time.
Remove either "although" or "but" (unnecessary transition)
4. Since Mr Jones was on sick leave, so the meeting was cancelled.
Since Mr Jones was on sick leave, so the meeting was cancelled.

Since Mr Jones was on sick leave, so the meeting was cancelled.
Remove either "since" or "so" (unnecessary transition)
5. Due to Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Since Mr Lewis arrived late, the meeting did not start on time.
Replace "due to" with "since" - (incorrect transition)
So, now you know how to use transitions.
When you use topic sentences, supporting sentences and transitions correctly, you will write cohesive
paragraphs. You can use this knowledge whenever you need to revise your documents.
Learning Point Summary

Remember:
When you revise your paragraphs to make them cohesive, you need
only one idea in each paragraph
a topic sentence that summarises the main idea
supporting sentences that support the main idea
transitions that link the sentences together
Being cohesive:
Summary
In this chapter you learned how to define a cohesive paragraph.
A cohesive paragraph is a group of sentences related to one another by a single idea or subject.
You also looked at

topic sentences, which
summarise the main idea and
help the reader predict what the chapter is about
supporting sentences, which

expand or develop the main idea
explain, eg identify causes, effects or reasons
provide specific details
transitions, which
link sentences together
show the relationship between sentences
help the reader move quickly between ideas.
Everything you have learned in this chapter will help you to write cohesive paragraphs when you
revise your documents.
Summary Exercises
There are two summary exercises in this section.
In the first exercise, you're going to practise writing a cohesive paragraph.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
Write a short paragraph about
The benefits of traveller's cheques when travelling overseas.
You will need to think of a topic sentence and two or three supporting sentences. You should also use
some transitions.
Look at the following suggested answer:
When travelling overseas, traveller's cheques are much safer than cash. First, traveller's cheques
cannot be used by someone else. Second, they are protected against loss or theft.
The first topic sentence introduces the main idea: "Traveller's cheques are much safer than cash". The
second and third sentences provide reasons that support this idea: "Traveller's cheques cannot be used
by someone else." and "They are protected against loss or theft". The transitions show the sequence of
the reasons.

In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry. Then you revised it for completeness.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to make the paragraphs
cohesive.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you revised in Chapter 3.
Check the cohesiveness of each paragraph.
If a paragraph is cohesive, it has
a short topic sentence which summarises the main idea
1-5 supporting sentences which are related to the main idea
transitions which link the sentences together.
If a paragraph doesn't have any of these, you need to revise it to make it cohesive.
You should write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you finish revising the paragraphs in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both the "first draft" and this
"second revision". You'll need them in Chapters 5 - 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process: Revise
So, now you know how to

1) define a cohesive paragraph and
2) write cohesive paragraphs which include
a topic sentence
supporting sentences and
transitions.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll find out how to
revise your sentences so they are clear and concise.
See you there!
clear and concise
Overview
In Chapters 1-2, you studied the first two stages of the Writing Process: Plan and Organise.
Then, in Chapters 3-4, you looked at the next two stages: Draft and Revise. In drafting, you learned
how to produce the first draft by only writing and not editing. Then, you began revising and practised
making your document complete and your paragraphs cohesive.
However, you have not yet finished revising. You need to check the sentences you wrote.
In this chapter, you'll learn how to make your sentences clear and concise.
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to
write clear and concise sentences
revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
Once again, you'll work on revising the letters you read and wrote in Chapters 2-4.
Revising: A Quick Review
In Chapters 2-4, you read a letter written by Clever Man.
That letter has already been revised twice.
In Chapter 3, the letter was revised to make it more complete.
In Chapter 4, it was revised again to make the paragraphs more cohesive.
Look at the revised letter below. It still seems difficult to understand. Why?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS

For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to
you at an earlier date.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Read the letter again. Then try to answer the questions:

1) Which communication is the writer referring to?
2) What did the writer send?
3) When did the writer send the materials?
The questions are difficult to answer, aren't they?
You can understand the words that the writer used. After all, they are common words - words which
we often use.
However, the sentences are not very clear. Why?
Being Clear: Why Do It

Look at the first sentence from the letter again.
Why is this sentence unclear?
Which recent communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean the communication received yesterday, last week or last month?
And what type of communication is the writer referring to?
Does the writer mean a telephone conversation, a letter or an e-mail?
The writer used vague terms, that is, very general words. Therefore, the sentences are not very clear.
The writer should mention the date of the communication as well as the type of communication.
Look at the second sentence from the letter... and try to decide why it isn't clear.
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application were sent to you at an
earlier date.
Again, the writer is vague, isn't he? "An earlier date" could be last week, last month or even last year.
However, there is another problem.
Did you also notice that the writer used jargon? He wrote about PPS.
HSBC staff may understand that the writer was referring to HSBC's Phone Payment Service.
But what about the readers... the customers? Do they know what PPS means?
To the readers or customers, PPS is jargon.
Being Clear: How To Do It

Whenever you write to a colleague or customer, your reader should not have to guess what you mean.
So, you need to make all of your sentences very clear. How can you do this?
To write clear sentences

use specific terms, not vague terms, eg exact date, type of communication etc
avoid jargon, ie abbreviations or special words that the reader may not understand.
The first strategy, then, is...
BE SPECIFIC
The sentence below is not clear. The writer has used vague terms.
"Please contact me as soon as possible."
How would you revise the sentence to make it clear?
Suggested answer:
"Please telephone me on 2398 4150 by Friday."
You can also be specific by being direct. This means that you write what you would say if you were
speaking with the person face-to-face.
The sentence below is unclear. The writer is being very indirect. Some writers think that they need to
use two "languages": one for writing and another one for speaking.
"It is with regret that I advise you that circumstances prevented me from completing this project
within the agreed time."
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear? (Hint: think of what you would say if you were
speaking with the person face-to-face.)
Suggested answer:
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't complete the project on time."
What else can you do to write clear sentences?
You can avoid using jargon, right? This is the second strategy.
AVOID JARGON
Look at the sentence below. The writer has used jargon.
"May I suggest that you apply for a POD?"
How would you revise this sentence to make it clear?
Suggested sentence:
"May I suggest that you apply for a Personal Overdraft?"
The exercise below will help you practise revising sentences to make them clear.
All of the sentences below are unclear. Rewrite the sentences to make them clear.
1) I suggest that you apply for a PIL.
I suggest that you apply for a Personal Instalment Loan.
2) The managers will discuss your proposal in due course.
The managers will discuss your proposal on Friday.
3) Please remit the relevant amount as soon as possible.
Please send your cheque for US$40 by 21 June 200X.
4) You can deposit cheques at designated ATMs.
You can deposit cheques at designated Automatic Teller Machines.
5) One of our CSOs will contact you later.
One of our Customer Service Officers will contact you within 24 hours.
You should now know how to revise sentences to make them clear.
Try to revise the unclear sentences in Clever Man's letter.
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
PPS
For your information please be advised that the PPS details and application form were sent to you at
an earlier date.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Suggested sentences:
I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday.
For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April.
By using specific terms and avoiding jargon, the first two paragraphs are now clearer.
But...
Something is still wrong with the second sentence. Do you know what it is?
Look at the sentence again. Try to read the whole sentence aloud without stopping to take a breath.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and
application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Did you have to stop in the middle of the sentence to take a breath?
For most people, the sentence is just too long to read aloud in one breath.
If you write a long sentence, you create a problem for your readers. They may need to read the
sentence several times in order to understand it.
So, your sentences must not only be clear, they also must be concise.
Being Concise: How To Do It
What is a concise sentence?
A concise sentence is a short sentence.
How can you keep your sentences short?

Look at the long sentence below and try to make it shorter. Write your revision on a piece of paper.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
Suggested revision:
"I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April."
Take a moment to compare your own revision with the one above.
How are the two revisions similar? How are they different?
In the revision above, three strategies were used to make the original sentence shorter.
To write concise sentences

write only the necessary words
write only one idea in each sentence
write only in the active voice of the verb.
STRATEGY 1 - WRITE ONLY THE NECESSARY WORDS

The original sentence contains some unnecessary words.
"For your information please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application
form were sent to you on 20 April."
One phrase - "For your information" - is unnecessary. Why? Because this phrase does not add any
meaning to the sentence. It only makes it longer. So, you can remove it.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to
you on 20 April."
Actually, many unnecessary words are used in business correspondence.
A common example is "forward planning". In this phrase, "forward" is unnecessary. After all, does
anyone ever plan backwards?
Look at the 'wordy phrases' below. Remove the unnecessary words to make the phrases more concise.
1) repeat again
2) small in size
3) cooperate together
4) for the purpose of
Answer: unnecessary words: again, in size, together, the purpose of

STRATEGY 2 - ONE IDEA IN EACH SENTENCE
The original sentence actually has two main ideas.
"Please be advised that the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to
you on 20 April."
There are two ideas in the sentence because there are two main verbs in the sentence: "advise" and
"sent".
So, you can separate the two main ideas - and the two main verbs - into two sentences.
"I would like to advise you of the details.
The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Actually, you can separate the sentences into two paragraphs. Do you know why?
You can use two paragraphs because

"to advise" is the purpose of this letter, which is part of the "Opening" in the SOFAR outline.
the fact that the application was sent belongs in the "Facts" section.
Refer to Chapter 2 if you need more information about the SOFAR outline.
A long sentence has more than one verb. You can make a long sentence shorter by writing a separate
sentence for each main verb in the long sentence.
Remember: if you write long sentences, you create a problem for your readers. They need to read the
sentence several times in order to understand it.
Recent research has shown that
if your sentence has 10 words or less, your reader will understand 98% of the message after
reading it once
if your sentence has 20 words or less, your reader will understand 75% of the message after
reading it once
if your sentence has more than 20 words, your reader will understand only 4% of the message
after reading it once (and will have to read it again and again and... ).
STRATEGY 3 - USE THE ACTIVE VOICE
The original sentence has now been revised as two sentences.
The second sentence contains a verb in the passive voice.
"The Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form were sent to you on 20 April."
Usually, a verb in the passive voice uses more words. It is also more difficult for the reader to
understand. So, you can change the verb from the passive to the active voice.
"We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April."
In business correspondence, you should use the active voice as much as possible.
However, there are some situations when it is more suitable to use the passive voice.
Look at the six sentences below. They all contain a verb in the passive voice. In three sentences, the
verb should be changed to the active voice. However, in the other three sentences, the verb should not
be changed.
Try to identify which three sentences should not be changed.
1) Our manager was contacted by your office yesterday.

2) Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.
3) Stopping payment of the cheques was considered by Mr Smith.
4) Your request for an assistant was approved.
5) The computer is now used by most staff for their correspondence.
6) Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.
Keys: 2), 4), 6)

In business writing, you should use the active voice of the verb as much as possible.
However, you should use the passive voice of the verb in three situations:
the person doing the action is not known

(Ms Chan's credit cards were stolen last week.)
the person doing the action is not important

( Your request for an assistant was approved.)
the person doing the action shouldn't be blamed

(Your deposit was not made through the Automated Teller Machine.)
Do the exercise below to practise revising sentences to make them concise.
All of the sentences below can be made shorter.
Rewrite the sentences to make them concise. You can split the sentences if you like.
1) The cheque has not been received by us and if you want to stop payment of it please sign and return
the enclosed form. (24 words).
2) We have lowered interest rates with a view to stimulating consumer spending. (12 words)
3) The revised insurance policy has been enclosed for your reference and please contact us if you have
any questions. (19 words)
4) It is the same and identical approach used by us last year. (12 words)
Suggested revisions:
1) We have not received your cheque yet. To stop payment, please sign and return the enclosed form.
(17 words)
2) We have lowered interest rates to stimulate consumer spending. (9 words)
3) We have enclosed the revised insurance policy. If you have any questions, please call us on
2345-xxxx. (17 words)
4) We used the same approach last year. (7 words)
Being Clear and Concise: Is It Enough?

The letter below is clear and concise. But there still is a problem. Do you know what it is?
22 April 200X
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS)
I would like to advise you of the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment Service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Using Modern English: Why Do It

The letter still contains some "old-fashioned business English".
Look at the last paragraph of the letter.
"Thank you for your kind attention."
Does this sentence look familiar? Have you ever read - or written - this sentence at the end of a letter?
Have you ever thought what this sentence means?
This remark only tells the reader two things:
that they need to read the letter "kindly" (how does the reader do that?)
that they need to read the letter "attentively" (again, how does the reader do that?).
It seems that the writer only wants the reader to read the letter...and not do anything else.
This sentence is an example of old-fashioned business English. There are many other examples, but,
we shouldn't use any of them!
In all of your business writing, you should use plain and modern English. Your readers will like it.
You'll also show that you represent a modern company.
Using Modern English: How To Do It
Study the table below. Avoid the old-fashioned expressions. Use only the modern words and phrases.
Old-fashioned Modern
acknowledge receipt of I have received
advise inform/tell
assuring you of our best attention at all (nothing)
times
as per your request as you requested
attached herewith please find I have attached
captioned (nothing)
deem believe / consider
due to the fact that because / as
Esteemed Sir Dear Sir
to forward to send
at your earliest convenience (exact date)
hereby/ herein/ herewith (nothing)
in compliance with your request as you requested
kindly please
permit me to say (nothing)
prior to before
pursuant to after
queries questions
under separate cover separately
we beg to remain (nothing)
with regard to regarding
In his letter to Fiona Green, Clever Man included some old-fashioned business English.
In his second paragraph (where he stated his purpose for writing), he wrote
I would like to advise you of the details.
If you revised that sentence to make it more modern, you could write
I would like to tell you the details.
In his last paragraph (the concluding remark), Clever Man wrote
If you revised that remark to make it more modern, you could write
Both of these revisions show good customer service. Both revisions also sound natural, don't they?
They sound as if you're speaking with the customer face-to-face.
This is the final revision of the letter. Compare it with the original letter on the right, and remind
yourself of the revision strategies that you've learned so far.
FINAL ORIGINAL
22 April 200X 22 April 200X

Ms Fiona Green Ms Fiona Green
100 Clearwater Bay Road 100 Clearwater Bay Road
Sai Kung NT Sai Kung NT
Dear Ms Green Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS) PPS
I refer to your telephone enquiry yesterday. I refer to your recent communication, and for your
I would like to tell you the details. information please be advised that the PPS details
We sent you the Phone Payment Service and application form were sent to you at an earlier
(PPS) details and application form on 20 date. Thank you for your kind attention.
April. Yours sincerely
If you complete and return the form to us, Clever Man
we can process your application Clever Man
immediately. Manager
I look forward to hearing from you. Smart Branch
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Summary
In this chapter, you focused on revising your sentences to make them clear and concise.
To make your sentences clear, you need to
be specific and
avoid jargon.
To make your sentences concise, you need to write

only the necessary words
only one idea per sentence
usually in the active voice.
Finally, you need to use plain and modern English (instead of "old fashioned business English").
Summary Exercises
There are two exercises in this section. In Exercise 1, you'll review what you learned in this chapter.
In Exercise 2, you'll practise revising a letter to make your sentences clear and concise.
EXERCISE 1
Revise the following sentences to make them clear, concise and modern. Type your answers in the
space provided.
1) I acknowledge receipt of your letter which was written on 4 June.
I received your letter of 4 June.
2) In compliance with your request, I will send you the PIL information tomorrow.
As requested, I will send you information on the Personal Instalment Loan (PIL) tomorrow.
3) We cannot provide a new cheque book immediately due to the fact that it takes a few days for
printing.
We are unable to provide a new cheque book immediately as it takes a few days to print.
4) With reference to the captioned subject, I am pleased to inform you that your application is
successful. [the "captioned subject" is "HSBC Classic Visa card"]
I am pleased to inform you that your application for an HSBC Classic Visa card is successful.
5) Kindly fill in the attached form and forward it to me at your earliest convenience.
Please fill in the attached form and send it to me by 4 June.
In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry and then revised the document for completeness. In
Chapter 4, you revised the paragraphs of the letter to make them cohesive.
In this exercise, you'll revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you'll try to make the sentences
clear and concise.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter that you revised in Chapter 4.
Check each sentence to ensure that it is clear and concise.

To make a sentence clear, you need to
be specific and
avoid jargon.
To make a sentence concise, you need to

include only the necessary words
include only one idea
avoid the passive voice of the verb
avoid old-fashioned business English.
Write your revision on a piece of paper.
When you've finished revising the sentences in your letter to Mr Perry, keep both the "first draft" and
this "third revision". You'll need them in Chapters 6 and 8.
Well Done!
In this chapter you continued to look at the fourth stage of the Writing Process: Revise.

write clear and concise sentences
revise sentences to make them clear and concise.
In the next chapter, you'll continue to learn how to revise your documents. You'll discover how to
revise your sentences to make them courteous.
courteous
You've almost completed the revising stage of the Writing Process.
In the previous three chapters, you learned how to make

your documents complete
your paragraphs cohesive
your sentences clear and concise.
In this chapter, you'll finish the revising stage as you learn how to make your sentences courteous (the
last "C").
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll be able to

write courteous sentences
revise sentences to make them courteous.
You'll also continue to revise the letter you're writing to Mr Perry.
Being Clear and Concise: A Quick Review
Do you remember how to make your writing more clear and concise?
To review, look at the 6 example sentences below. They are neither clear nor concise.
Match each sentence with one of the writing problems below.
Please see me as soon as possible.
The information was sent to you yesterday.
If you contact one of our CSOs she can help you apply for
a PIL.
Please kindly come to our information counter.
If we all cooperate together we will have greater success in

the coming future.
Please come to your nearest branch to discuss the loan

process with our manager and then you can apply for it and
it should be processed by the end of the month.
Unspecific information
Passive voice instead of active
Jargon
Old-fashioned expression
Unnecessary words
More than 1 idea in each sentence
Being Courteous: How To Do It
Whenever you write a memo, letter, fax or e-mail, you need to remember that all your readers
(including your colleagues) are your "customers".
To provide excellent customer service, you need to be courteous.
To write courteously, remember the 4 "Ps".

be Polite
be Positive
be Personal
be Professional.
Being Courteous: How To Be Polite
To write courteous sentences, you need to use the first "P" - be polite.
Imagine that you have received the memo below from your manager. How does it make you feel?

From: General Manager Reference:
Subject: Team meeting
A team meeting will be held on 13 April to discuss cost-saving measures.
All team members have to attend this important meeting.
Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April.
The memo is very clear and concise. However, it's not very polite, is it?
Look at the final sentence.
"Everyone must submit at least one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
It sounds like an order or command, doesn't it?
How can you rewrite that "command" to make it sound more polite?
Suggested revision:
"Please submit one idea by 5:30 pm on 10 April."
You can change a command into a polite request by changing a few words.
Remember, you only need to change a few words to make a sentence more polite.
Look at the original "command" and the two revisions below:
"Everyone must submit one idea" (original)
"I would like everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
"May I ask everyone to submit one idea... " (revision)
The revisions sound more polite. Do you know why?
USE MODAL VERBS
Using a modal verb - eg could, would, may, might - also makes a sentence sound much more polite.
Look at the sentence below.
"Send me all the information on overdue accounts."
How would you use a modal verb to make this sentence more polite?
"I would like you to send me all the information on overdue accounts."
Your sentences will be polite if you use "magic words" and modal verbs. Is there anything else you
can do?
TURN STATEMENTS INTO QUESTIONS
You also can make a sentence more polite by turning it into a question.
Turn the original "command" below into a question...and see the difference.
"Would everyone submit one idea...?"

"Could everyone submit one idea...?"
When you turn a statement into a question, you give your reader a choice. Giving people a choice
makes them more likely to do what you ask.
So there are three ways to write polite sentences. You can use "magic words" and modal verbs. You
can also turn statements into questions.
What would happen if you used all three strategies at the same time?
Try to turn the original "command" below into a question, and use "magic words" as well as modal
verbs
"Could everyone please submit one idea...?"
When you use all three strategies together, you write a very polite request, don't you?
Look at the statements below.
"You have to be at the meeting!"

"You must be on time!"
You use the modal verbs "must" and "have to" when giving orders or commands. So, you should
avoid using these verbs when writing to customers.
But what about this statement?
"You should be more careful!"
Would you write such a statement to a customer?
You use the modal verb "should" when you are giving advice. If a customer asks you for advice, you
may want to use "should". However, you should generally avoid using this word when writing to
customers.
Exercise:
The following sentences are not very polite. Revise the sentences to make them more polite. Type
your revisions in the spaces provided
1) Send proof of your income.
2) You must pay the annual fee without delay.
3) Bring the supporting documents to our office.
4) You should fill in the application form.
5) To ensure security, choose a password with numbers and letters.
1) Could you please send proof of your income?
2) Would you please pay the annual fee by 20 March 200x?
3) Please bring the supporting documents to our office.
4) Would you mind filling in the application form?
5) To ensure security, please choose a password with numbers and letters.

Being Courteous: How To Be Positive
To write courteous sentences, you need to be polite. You also need to use the second "P" - be positive.
Once again, think of yourself as the reader (or customer).
How would you feel if you got a letter that said...
"You cannot withdraw the money until your cheque has cleared."
This sentence is very negative, isn't it? It tells you what you can't do.
"You can withdraw the money as soon as your cheque has cleared."
You can make a sentence positive by stating what the reader can do instead of what the reader cannot
do.
SAY WHAT YOU CAN DO
You only have to change a few words to change a negative sentence into a positive one.
You only need to say what the reader can do rather than what the reader can't do. You can also be
positive by saying what the company can do rather than what it can't do.
Look at the two sentences below. Both sentences have the same meaning. But one is positive and one
is negative. Which sentence is positive?
"Our office closes at 4:00 pm."

"Our office stays open until 4:00 pm."
The second sentence sounds much better, doesn't it? The word "open" is positive, while "close" is
negative.
There's another way to write positively.
Think of yourself as a bank customer. You've just received a letter inviting you to apply for a Classic
Visa card. In the letter, you read this sentence:
"You need an annual income of HKD42,000 to apply for a credit card."
How do you feel?
The sentence is true, but it could be written in a more positive way. So, try to revise the sentence.
(Hint: You may want to begin the sentence with "if".)
"If you have an annual income of HKD42,000, you can apply for a credit card."
USE THE "IF-CONTRACT"
When you use the "if-contract", you state what you, your company or the reader can do...IF the reader
can meet a specific condition.
The "if-contract" emphasises what is possible. It's a much more positive way of expressing your ideas.
Look at two more sentences. Both have the same meaning, but which one sounds more positive?
"You must reply within five days or we cannot process your application."
"If you apply within five days, we can process your application."
Do you see how the "if-contract" makes a sentence more positive?
Whenever you use the "if-contract", you

begin with an "IF" clause and
end with an "action" clause (which states what you or your reader can do if the condition is
met).
You can practise writing positive sentences in the exercise below.
Try revising the following sentences, which are not very positive.
1) We cannot process your application until next month unless you reply promptly.
2) You need a reference before you can open an account.
3) Settle payment immediately or you will be charged an additional $15.
4) You must send the documents by Friday or we cannot prepare a Letter of Credit.
5) Unless you have five years' experience in personal finance, you cannot apply for the position.
1) If you reply promptly, we can process your application by the end of the month.
2) If you give us a reference, you can open an account.
3) If you pay immediately, you will not incur any additional charges.
4) If you send us the documents by Friday, we can prepare a Letter of Credit.
5) If you have five years' experience in personal finance, you can apply for the position.
NOTE: In all of these sentences, you can change the order of the two clauses. eg"We can process your
application by the end of the month if you reply promptly."
Being Courteous: How To Be Personal

You have learned how to write polite and positive sentences. However, a third "P" - be personal - is
also important.
Read the letter below. Does it seem personal to you?
If you were Rachel Harrison, the customer who received this letter, how would you feel?
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Madam
Reference is made to your letter of 1 May regarding the status of the application for a Privilege
Card.
The Bank has checked the relevant records. The application was received, but the cheque was not
enclosed.
Be advised that the cheque must be received before the Privilege Card can be sent.
Yours faithfully
S Martin
Personal Relationship Manager
Good customer relations...

...need a personal touch.
But how can your writing have a personal touch?
Look at the letter again. Think about how you could rewrite some of the sentences to make them more
personal.
You can do at least three things to make this letter more personal.
USE PERSONAL PRONOUNS
The letter has only one personal pronoun.
However, when you speak to people, you often use words like "you", "I" and "we". If you also use
these personal pronouns when you write, your sentences will sound more personal.
Look at the sentence below. How can you make it more personal?
"The Bank appreciates a prompt reply."
Remember, "the Bank" is made up of people, and you want a reply from a person:
"We would appreciate it if you could reply promptly."
In addition to using personal pronouns, you can use a person's name when writing.
USE PEOPLE'S NAMES
Do you remember the impersonal letter to Rachel Harrison? In that letter, the writer didn't use the
customer's name... except in the address.
When you speak with customers, you usually use their names. So, if you use a customer's name when
writing, your letter will sound more personal.
If you were writing a letter to John Carter, how would you begin?
You wouldn't write "Dear Sir", would you? You would write "Dear Mr Carter" or even "Dear John",
if you knew him well.
Everyone likes to hear or read their own name. So, sometimes, you can even use a person's name in
the body of the letter.
For example, you could write
"May I suggest, John, that you..."

"John, since you are a valued customer, I would like to..."
However, you probably would not use a person's name more than once in the letter.
You will write more personal memos, letters and e-mails if you use personal pronouns and personal
names. You should also use the active voice of the verb.
USE ACTIVE VOICE OF THE VERB
When you use the active voice of the verb, you emphasise the person doing the action (the "doer").
Using the passive voice emphasises the action and often does not mention the "doer". So, it sounds
impersonal.
Look at the sentence below. How can you change this sentence to make it sound more personal?
"Please be assured that the application will be processed quickly."
Suggested revision:
"We assure you that we will process your application quickly."
If you'd like to review how to use the active and passive voice of the verb, go to Chapter 5.
You can practise writing personal sentences in the exercise below.
The following sentences are quite impersonal. Revise the sentences to make them more personal.
The Bank acknowledges receipt of the letter dated 10 May.
The Premier card can be used worldwide.
The proposal you made is acceptable to us.
We received your letter of 10 May. / Thank you for your letter of 10 May.
You can use your Premier card worldwide.
We accept your proposal.
Being Courteous: How To Be Professional
So far, you've learned three ways to make your writing more courteous. You've learned how to make
your sentences polite, positive and personal. You also need to learn how to use the fourth "P" to make
your writing professional.
Did you know that modern business English includes many standard expressions?
Many phrases in English are standard. That is, they don't change. If you know these phrases, you can
use them again and again.
And when you use these standard expressions, your writing will look more professional.
However, you need to use these expressions correctly, or your writing will look very unprofessional.
Look at this sentence.
"I am appreciate if you send me the documents."
The person who wrote this sentence tried to use a standard expression. However, they didn't use it
correctly.
It should be:
"I would appreciate it if you could send me the documents."
You can use the table below to learn some of the standard expressions in English business
correspondence.
STANDARD EXPRESSIONS
To begin a letter To request
We are writing to enquire about ... We would be grateful if you could ...
We are writing to request ... We would appreciate it if you could ...
I refer to your letter of ... Could/Would you please ...
Thank you for your letter of ... Would you mind -ing ...
To ask for clarification To clear up misunderstandings
It is not clear whether ... We were under the impression that ...
We are not sure if ... We were led to believe that ...
We would be grateful if you could clarify this. There appears to be a misunderstanding about ...
To apologise/express regret To confirm

I am afraid that ... I would like to confirm the arrangements for ...
We are very sorry that ... We will wait for your confirmation before going
We sincerely apologise for ... ahead.
Please accept our apologies for ...
To make suggestions To explain/give reasons

May I suggest that ... This is because ...
One possible solution would be to ... This is due to ...
To refuse politely To close a letter
I am afraid that we are unable to ... We look forward to hearing from you.
We are aware of the problems, but I look forward to receiving your reply...
unfortunately, ... We hope to hear from you shortly.
We appreciate your point of view, but ... I hope this information will help you.
I'm sorry that we are unable to ... If you would like any further information,
please call me on/at ...
You can practise writing professional sentences by doing the exercise below.
There are five business situations below. For each situation, choose the correct standard expression(s).
Some situations have more than one correct answer.
1. Request someone to send a catalogue of their products.

A. Would you mind to send a catalogue of your products?
B. Could you please send a catalogue of your products?
C. Would you mind sending a catalogue of your products?
D. I would request a catalogue of your products?
2. Suggest that someone refer to the "Quick Guide" for information.

A. Please refer to the "Quick Guide" for information.
B. Please reference the "Quick Guide" for information.
C. May I suggest that you refer to the "Quick Guide" for information?
D. May I suggest you to refer to the "Quick Guide" for information?
3. Refer to a fax you received on 9 March.
A. Your fax of 9 March refers.
B. Thank you for your fax of 9 March.
C. Thank you for your fax on 9 March.
D. I refer to your fax of 9 March.
4. Close a letter politely.

A. I look forward to hearing from you.
B. In anticipation of your reply.
C. Eagerly awaiting your reply.
D. I hope this information is helpful.
5. Ask for clarification of a meeting time.

A. I am not clear for the meeting time.
B. It is not sure for the meeting time.
C. It is not clear whether the meeting time.
D. I am not sure about the meeting time.
Keys:
1. BC 2. AC 3. BD 4. AD 5. D
Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to revise your sentences to make them courteous.
To make your sentences courteous, you need to be
polite (by using magic words as well as modal verbs, and by turning statements into
questions)
positive (by stating what you can do and by using the "if-contract")
personal (by using personal pronouns, people's names and the active voice of the verb)
professional (by using standard English expressions correctly).
Summary Exercises
There are two exercises in this section. In both exercises, you will practise revising a letter to make
the sentences more courteous.
SUMMARY EXERCISE 1
You know the letter below is not very courteous. Revise the letter to make the sentences more polite,
positive, personal and professional. Write your revised letter on a piece of paper.
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Madam
Reference is made to your letter of 1 May regarding the status of the application for a Privilege
Card.
The Bank has checked the relevant records. The application was received, but the cheque was not
enclosed.
Be advised that the cheque must be received before the Privilege Card can be sent.
Yours faithfully
S Martin
Compare your letter with this suggested revision.
12 May 200X
Ms Rachel Harrison
34 Smythe Court
Westfield
Dear Ms Harrison
Privilege Card Application
Thank you for your letter of 1 May.
I would like to inform you of the status of your application for a Privilege Card.
We have checked our records carefully. We received your application on 4 May, but not the
cheque.
If you can send us a cheque, we will immediately send you the Privilege Card. If you have any
questions, please call me on 2318 1215.
Yours sincerely
S Martin
In Chapter 3 you drafted a letter to Mr Perry and then revised the document for completeness. In
Chapter 4, you revised the paragraphs of the letter and made them cohesive. In Chapter 5, you revised
the sentences of the letter to make them clear and concise.
In this exercise, you will revise the letter to Mr Perry again. This time, you will try to make the
sentences courteous.
To do this exercise, you will need the letter which you revised in Chapter 5.
Check each sentence to make sure that it is courteous.
You should write your revision on a piece of paper. When you finish revising the sentences in your
letter to Mr Perry, keep both the "first draft" and this "fourth revision". You'll need them in Chapter 8.
Well Done!
You've also completed the fourth stage of the Writing Process: Revise.

write courteous sentences
revise sentences to make them courteous.
You also should know that, to produce courteous sentences, you need to be
polite
positive
personal
professional.
In the next chapter, you'll learn how to reply to difficult letters. You'll discover how to structure the
contents of your letter in an appropriate way.
Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters

In Chapter 6, you learned how to write courteous letters. You practised achieving a courteous tone by
writing sentences that were polite, positive, personal and professional.
However, you can't always achieve the right tone simply by writing courteous sentences. Sometimes,
the way you organise the information affects the tone of your letters.
In this chapter, you'll learn the best way to structure the contents so you achieve the right tone...
especially when you write "difficult letters".
Objectives
By the end of this chapter, you'll have practised achieving the right tone as you write the following
three kinds of difficult letters:
persuading a customer to accept your suggestion

refusing a customer's request
responding to a customer's unjustified complaint.
Difficult Letters: What Are They?
Some letters are easy to write. Others are more difficult. In this chapter, you'll learn how to write
some of these difficult letters.
Whenever you have to say "no" to a colleague or customer, the letter will be difficult to write.
When you write these difficult letters, you need to put yourself in the reader's place. You need to
consider how the reader will feel when you say "no".
You can do several things to help your reader accept what you write. First of all, you must make sure
that your sentences are polite, positive, personal and professional. Then, you need to structure the
contents of these letters in an appropriate way.
In this chapter, you'll learn the appropriate pattern for writing three types of difficult letters.
You'll learn to write each type of letter as part of a case study. To discover the procedure you'll follow
for each case study, move your mouse pointer over the numbers below.
1. read about the situation which requires you to write a letter

2. evaluate the tone of the first draft (written by a colleague)
3. identify ways to improve the draft and achieve the right tone
4. rewrite the letter.
Difficult Letter #1: Persuading a Customer

THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Thailand has decided to purchase a new car. As a result, he has requested an
increase in his overdraft facility to pay for the new car.
HSBC, however, prefers its customers to use car loans when purchasing new cars. A loan allows
customers to pay for the car over a longer period of time. The repayment schedule gives customers a
clear picture of their financial commitments for the period of the loan. In addition, a loan enables
customers to use their overdraft facility to meet unexpected expenses.
Your colleague has drafted a letter to persuade the customer to apply for a car loan.
THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft below.
21 October 200X
S Khomson
6/F
324 Phayathai Road
Bangkok
Dear Mr Khomson
Thank you for your letter requesting an increase in your overdraft facility.
We, however, do not recommend using your overdraft facility to purchase a new car. Therefore, we
suggest that you apply for a car loan instead.
I have enclosed a brochure on car loans.
Please read the brochure and complete the application form. As soon as I receive your application, I
will help you process the loan.
Yours sincerely
What do you think of the tone of this letter?
Write your comments on a piece of paper. Then, compare your comments with the evaluation below.
THE FIRST DRAFT EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used appropriate strategies for writing polite, positive and
personal sentences.
However, the writer has been too direct. The writer assumes that the customer will accept the
suggestion. But the reader - the customer - has already indicated what he wants to do. So he may resist
the suggestion.
How, then, can you get the customer to agree with your suggestion?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
How could you improve the draft?
Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with the suggestions.
The writer's first sentence is quite pleasant. However, you could add a sentence to compliment the
customer. For example:
"I have enjoyed serving you over the past five years."
Before making a suggestion, you need to provide some background. You need to state the reasons
for the suggestion first. If possible, you should also state how your suggestion can benefit the
customer.
Then, you can make your suggestion.
Finally, you should close the letter positively. You should also offer your help if the customer
agrees with your suggestion.
IMPROVING THE DRAFT - APPROPRIATE PATTERN
How do you structure the contents when you need to persuade a customer to accept your suggestion?
In the table below, the pattern for writing to persuade a customer is incomplete. You need to complete
it.
Pattern for persuading a customer to accept your suggestion

1) Pleasant introduction, complimenting the customer
2)
3)
4) Polite close, with offer of help
Keys:
2) Reasons for / benefits of the suggestion

3) Suggestion
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by your colleague.
To do this, you will need

the draft prepared by your colleague
the appropriate pattern for persuading a customer to accept a suggestion
information about the benefits of a car loan
a pen and a piece of paper.
REVISING THE DRAFT EXAMPLE

21 October 200X
S Khomson
6/F
324 Phayathai Road
Bangkok
Dear Mr Khomson
Thank you for your letter requesting an increase in your overdraft facility. I have always enjoyed
assisting you manage your finances over the years.
Purchasing a new car is a significant investment. An HSBC car loan allows you to pay for your
new car over a longer period of time. In addition, whatever repayment schedule you choose
provides you with a clear picture of your financial commitments for the whole period. At the
same time, you can still use your overdraft facility to meet any unexpected expenses.
Therefore, I suggest that you apply for a car loan when you purchase your new car. I have
enclosed a brochure which provides additional information.
Mr Khomson, I urge you to consider this suggestion. I believe you will find a car loan the most
convenient way to meet all of your expenses, both budgeted and unexpected. Please call me on
217 9876 so that we can discuss the terms in detail.
Yours sincerely
Difficult Letter #2: Refusing a Request
THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Canada has read a copy of HSBC's Premier Magazine at the home of a friend.
She liked it so much that she requested the Bank to send the magazine to her home. HSBC, however,
only sends this magazine to its Premier customers.
One of your staff has drafted a reply for you.
THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft, which is printed below.
16 March 200X
Mary Davis
23 Queensway Drive
Richmond Hill
Ontario L4S 1S1
Dear Ms Davis
Thank you for your letter requesting a copy of our Premier Magazine.
Unfortunately, we are unable to grant your request.
You see, we send this magazine only to our Premier customers.
Please accept our apologies.
Yours sincerely
Would you send this letter to your customer?
THE FIRST DRAFT - EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used "magic words" to be polite and pronouns to be
personal. The writer also has tried to be positive by stating what we CAN do, ie "send the magazine
only to our Premier customers".
However, the customer would probably be unhappy after reading this letter. Why? Because the writer
said "no" rather directly.
How, then, can you break the news gently? In other words, how can you politely refuse a customer's
request?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with some suggestions.
You should begin as the writer did, ie with a neutral sentence (eg "Thank you for ..."). You
should then add a sentence complimenting the customer (eg "We are pleased that you are
interested in this publication."). Or, if the customer has problems, you could express empathy (eg
"I understand that you ...").
Next, you should pave the way for the refusal. In other words, you should give the reasons for
refusing the request first. When giving reasons, you should not mention "bank policy", which
means very little to the reader. Then, you can conclude the paragraph with the refusal itself.
Before closing the letter politely, you should suggest - if possible -- an alternative to what the
customer has requested. Such an offer will show that you value the customer.
How do you structure the contents when you need to refuse a customer's request?
In the table below, the pattern for refusing a customer's request is incomplete. You need to complete
it.
Pattern for refusing a customer's request

1) Pleasant introduction, complimenting or empathising with the customer
2)
3)
4)
Keys:
2) Reasons for the refusal

3) Refusal
4) Alternative suggestion (if appropriate)
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by a member of your staff.

the draft prepared by your staff member
the appropriate pattern for refusing a customer's request
16 March 200X
Mary Davis
23 Queensway Drive
Richmond Hill
Ontario L4S 1S1
Dear Ms Davis
Thank you for your letter requesting HSBC's Premier Magazine. I am delighted to learn that you
are interested in this publication.
As an HSBC customer, you may have heard about Premier, our personal banking service. One of
Premier's many benefits is a free subscription to Premier Magazine. I'm afraid that, since you do
not yet have a Premier account, we are unable to send you this magazine.
However, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to become one of our Premier
customers. You only need to maintain a minimum balance of CAD50,000 to experience this
special service. I have enclosed a brochure which provides additional information.
If you would like to enjoy all the benefits of our Premier service (including the magazine), please
visit any HSBC branch. We will be happy to help you apply.
I hope this information is helpful and look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
Difficult Letter #3: Responding To an Unjustified Complaint
THE SITUATION
An HSBC customer in Hong Kong has written to complain about charges for returned cheques.
The customer's cheque was returned twice.
The customer's cheque, #012345 for HKD5,000, was returned when presented for payment
on 3 April because the customer's account was already overdrawn by HKD750.
The customer's wife deposited a cheque for HKD5,000 from her account into her husband's
account on 4 April.
The customer's cheque, #012345 for HKD5,000, was returned a second time when presented
for payment on 5 April because the account had insufficient funds, ie only HKD4,250.
The Bank charges HKD100 for each returned cheque.
In his letter, the customer asked HSBC to refund the charges for returned cheques.
One of your colleagues drafted a response and has asked for your comments.
THE FIRST DRAFT
Evaluate the tone of the first draft below.
12 April 200X
Mr John Lee
Flat 25B Tower 1
333 Kwun Tong Road
Kowloon
Dear Mr Lee
Thank you for your letter of 10 April requesting a refund of overdraft charges on your current
account. Let me explain the situation.
Cheques presented for payment are cleared after banking hours by the Clearing House. The
drawer's account is automatically debited at that time. If this results in an overdraft, the Bank
decides the next day if we will honour the cheque.
Unfortunately, this happened twice when cheque number 012345 was presented on 3 and 5
April.
I am sorry, therefore, that we are unable to refund the overdraft charges of $200.
I hope that I have helped to clarify the situation. You are a valued customer, and we appreciate
you taking the time to write to us.
Yours sincerely
What do you think of this draft?
THE FIRST DRAFT - EVALUATION
The letter is quite courteous. The writer has used "magic words" to be polite and pronouns to be
personal. The writer has also apologised for being unable to grant the customer's request.
Unfortunately, the writer hasn't fully explained the situation. If the customer is unaware of the
situation, he won't be able to understand why you think his complaint is unjustified.
In addition, the writer did not suggest how to avoid this problem in the future. In other words, the
writer doesn't offer any help to the customer. As a result, the reader may not think that you value him
as a customer.
What, then, is the best way to respond to unjustified complaints?
IMPROVING THE DRAFT
Write your ideas on a piece of paper. Then compare your ideas with some suggestions.
You should begin as the writer did, ie with a neutral sentence (eg "Thank you for..."). You should
then add a sentence to express empathy if the customer has been embarrassed or inconvenienced
(eg "I regret the inconvenience this may have caused you."). However, you should not apologise,
if the Bank did nothing wrong.
Next, you should explain the situation in detail. However, you must not blame the customer, even
if he has made a mistake. Using a passive verb form (cf Chapter 6) helps you do this. "Your
account was overdrawn" sounds more polite than "You overdrew your account".
If you need to refuse a customer's request, you should do it only after you explain the situation.
Before closing, you should suggest a way for the customer to avoid this problem in future. Such
an offer will show that you value the customer.
How do you structure the contents when you need to respond to a customer's unjustified complaint?
In the table below, the pattern for responding to an unjustified complaint is incomplete. You need to
complete it.
Pattern for responding to an unjustified complaint

1) Pleasant introduction, empathising with the customer
2)
3)
4)
Keys:
2) Complete explanation of the situation
3) Refusal of request or compensation
4) Advice or suggestion
REVISING THE DRAFT
Now try revising the draft prepared by a member of your staff.

the draft prepared by your staff member
the appropriate pattern for responding to a customer's unjustified complaint
information about the complaint
12 April 200X
Mr John Lee
Flat 25 B Tower 1
333 Kwun Tong Road
Kowloon
Dear Mr Lee
Thank you for your letter of 10 April requesting a refund of charges made for returned cheques. I
regret any inconvenience these returned cheques may have caused you. Please let me explain the
situation.
I have examined your records carefully. When your cheque #012345 for HKD5,000 was
presented for payment on 3 April, your account was already overdrawn by HKD750. As a result,
we could not accept the cheque. After your wife deposited a cheque for HKD5,000 into your
account on 4 April, the balance was HKD4,250. When cheque #012345 for HKD5,000 was
presented again on 5 April, your account still had insufficient funds. As a result, we could not
accept the cheque. In both cases, we only debited the minimum charge for a returned cheque,
HKD100.
I would like to suggest that you consider using either our internet or telephone banking services.
You can use these services to check the balances in your accounts and transfer funds between
accounts. As a result, you can ensure sufficient balances in your accounts at all times. I have
enclosed brochures which describe both the internet and telephone services.
Mr Lee, please call me on 2398-2398. I would be delighted to arrange these services for you.
I hope this information is helpful and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely
Summary
In this chapter, you learned how to write difficult letters.
Hopefully, you now understand that - to achieve the right tone - you sometimes need to do more than
write courteous sentences. You may also need to structure the letter in an appropriate way.
In this chapter, you learned the appropriate structure - or pattern - for three kinds of difficult letters:
persuading a customer to accept your suggestion
refusing a customer's request
responding to a customer's unjustified complaint.
You can review these patterns in the Summary Exercise.
Summary Exercise
In this chapter, you learned how to write three types of difficult letters.
In the following exercise, you can quickly review the appropriate structure for each type of difficult
letter.
Complete the following patterns by

identifying the type of difficult letter you use the pattern for
inserting the missing part in the pattern itself.
A
1) Pleasant introduction, with empathy
3)
B
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment
2)
C
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment or empathy
2) Reasons for the reasons for the refusal
3) Refusal
4)
a. Persuading a customer
b. Refusing a request
C. Responding to unjustified complaint
d. Reasons for / benefits of suggestions
e. Refusal of request / compensation
f. Advice or suggestion
Answer
Responding to unjustified complaint
1) Pleasant introduction, with empathy
3) Refusal of request / compensation
Persuading a customer
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment
2) Reasons for / benefits of suggestions
Refusing a request
1) Pleasant introduction, with compliment or empathy
2) Reasons for the reasons for the refusal
3) Refusal
Well Done!
By now you should be able to write letters in which you

persuade a customer to accept your suggestion
refuse a customer's request politely
respond to a customer's unjustified complaint.
Remember to use the patterns you learned in this chapter whenever you need to write these types of
letters.
In the next chapter, you'll learn how to improve your letters with a final edit.
See you there!
Chapter 8 Edit your writing
In Chapters 2-6, you learned the first four stages of the Writing Process: Plan, Organise, Draft and
Revise.
In this chapter, you are going to learn the fifth and final stage: Edit.
Plan
Organise
Draft
Revise
Edit
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll be able to edit your business correspondence so that the words and
sentences are correct.
You will also edit the letter you have been writing to Mr Perry.
Editing: Why Do We Do It?
You may be tired of looking at your document by the time you have finished revising it.
However, it's not quite ready to send. You still have to edit the document.
Take a few moments to think about editing... and why it is important. Write your thoughts on a piece
of paper.
Why editing is important:
Editing (or proof reading) puts the "finishing touches" on your document. Everything you write
gives a lasting impression of your company and you as a writer. So, it's important to check your
spelling, punctuation and grammar carefully. Missing commas, misspelled words and
inaccurate grammar give a poor impression.
Editing: How Do It
The four strategies for editing business correspondence are listed below.
Use a dictionary
Ask a friend or colleague to help (peer editing)
Use a grammar reference book
Keep a record of your own "Personal Errors".
You can use the first two strategies to help you edit any business document you write.
You can use the last two strategies to help you improve your skill in using English. As a result, you'll
be able to spend less time on editing.
Editing: Using A Dictionary
When you edit what you write, you can get some help from two "friends". One of these "friends" is a
colleague; the other is a book.
You'll find it very helpful to have a good English-English dictionary as you edit.
A bi-lingual dictionary can be useful for translations, but an English-English dictionary gives you
more information on how to use a word or phrase.
One of the more user-friendly dictionaries is the Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English.
However, if you don't have a copy of this dictionary, don't worry! You'll still be able to do the
exercises in this chapter.
EXERCISE: COMMON ERRORS
To understand how a dictionary can help you edit, do the following exercise.
Albert Hui's letter (below) contains four main types of common errors. There are a total of 11 errors.
Only one example of each type of error is highlighted. Can you identify what the four types of error
are?
Dear Ms Brown
Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding.
I am please to provide you the informations about our standing instructions.
I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I am sure you will find this
service very convenience. When you use this service to settle your bill, we will debit the amount
from your account automatically.
May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We would
be happy to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss about this, please
call to me or any of our staffs on 23446577.
Types of Error:
informations=countable / uncountable nouns

convenience=word class
suggest you to apply=verb+verb
discuss about=verb+preposition
Other examples of the errors:
Dear Ms Brown
Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding.
I am please to provide you the informations about our standing instructions.
I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I am sure you will find this
from your account automatically.
May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We would
be happy to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss about this, please
call to me or any of our staffs on 23446577.
COMMON ERRORS
Albert Hui's letter contains four types of common errors. If you could not identify these types of errors,
you probably need to improve in those areas. You can use a dictionary to help you to improve in each
area.
Verb + verb (two verbs in a sentence)
In his letter, Albert wrote
"May I suggest you to apply"
How many verbs are there in this phrase? (Two)

When a phrase or sentence contains two verbs, you should check the grammar in a dictionary.
suggest......(verb) 1 to tell someone your ideas about what they should do: Please suggest a
convenient time for our meeting with Mr Brown. suggest doing sth She suggested sending
the books by airmail. suggest (that) He suggested that I talk to his supervisor about my
proposal......
Is Albert's phrase correct?
He wrote:
"May I suggest you to apply..."
Albert wants to tell Ms Brown his ideas about what she should do.
According to the dictionary, there are two ways to do this. The phrases highlighted in bold show you
the grammatical structures that you can use with the verb "suggest".
You can write "suggest doing something"
You can also write "suggest (that)"
But you cannot write "suggest to do something"
So Albert's phrase is not correct.
From the dictionary you learn that

"suggest" can be followed by a 'doing' word (a verb)
the verb that follows "suggest" must take the ~ing form.
The dictionary also tells you that

you can say "suggest (that)".
If the dictionary puts "that" in brackets, it means you don't have to use it.
For example:
She suggested sending the books by airmail.

She suggested that I send the books by airmail.
She suggested I send the books by airmail.
Albert should have used one of the following three ways to write this phrase:
1. "May I suggest applying immediately..."
2. "May I suggest that you apply immediately..."
3. "May I suggest you apply immediately..."
Verb + preposition
In his letter, Albert makes several mistakes with verbs followed by prepositions.
For example, he wrote

"If you would like to discuss about this,..."
When a phrase or sentence contains a verb followed by a preposition, you should check the grammar
in a dictionary.
Read the dictionary entry below for "discuss". Look at the example sentences.
Can "discuss" be followed by the preposition "about"?
Discuss...(verb) 1 to talk about something with someone in order to exchange ideas or decide
something: Sam won't discuss his new deal. Discuss sth with sb I discussed my plan with Mr
Lee...
The verb "discuss" is not followed by a preposition. For example, "Sam won't discuss his new deal".
Note, however, that you can write, "Sam won't get into a discussion about his new deal".
Try this activity to practise using verbs followed by prepositions. You can use a dictionary.
For each of these sentences below, choose the correct phrase to fill in the gap.
1. Human Resources _____ the need for all staff to abide by the code of conduct.
A. stressed about B. stressed C. stressed on
2. Please _____ Amy to contact the Eastside branch.

A. request for B. request with C. request
3. We are encouraging all customers to ____ a credit card during the promotion period.
A. apply on B. apply C. apply for
4. It is important to ____ the customer's request carefully.

A. listen B. listen to C. listen in to
Keys: BCCB
Countable / uncountable nouns
In his letter, Albert wrote:

"I am please to provide you the informations..."
There are several mistakes in this sentence.
You can use a dictionary to help you identify and correct these mistakes.
For example, look up the word "informations" in a dictionary. Below is part of a typical dictionary
entry.
Information...(noun) 1 [U] facts or knowledge about something or somebody...
In the dictionary, the word "information" is followed by a symbol [U]. This tells you that
"information" is an uncountable noun.
An uncountable noun has no plural form. It cannot be counted. It is regarded as both singular and
plural.
Can you think of another example? How about 'water' or 'rice'?

Can you say 'one water, two waters, three waters...'?
No! 'Water' is uncountable.
In the Longman Dictionary, uncountable nouns are marked [U].

Countable nouns - things you can count, such as table / tables - are marked [C]
Look at the nouns on the left below. Which nouns are countable [C] and which are uncountable [U]?
You can use a dictionary.
Money
Equipment
Currency
Department
Staff
Furniture
Person
Information
Countable: Currency, Department, Person
Uncountable: Money, Equipment, Staff, Furniture, Information

The sentences below all contain at least one countable / uncountable noun error.
Try to correct the errors.
1. I have invested monies in six different foreign currency.

2. In our office, the furnitures are very old.
3. The manager is concerned that some staffs are arriving late.
Answers:
1. I have invested money in six different foreign currencies.
2. In our offic, the furniture is very old.
3. The manager is concerned that some staff are arriving late.
Word class
In his letter, Albert wrote:

"I'm sure you'll find this service very convenience".
Can you see the mistake that Albert made?
Albert is describing a service. Unfortunately, he used the wrong word class (or part of speech). To
describe someone or something you should use an adjective. Albert used a noun ("convenience")
instead of an adjective ("convenient").
Albert should have written:
"I'm sure you'll find this service very convenient."
You can use a dictionary to check the class of words you use. This will help you avoid the mistake
which Albert made.
What's wrong with this sentence?

"He is lack of experience."
Lack1.... (noun) [ U ] the state of not having enough of something: [ + of ] Lack of regular
exercise may increase the chance of illness....
Lack2 ....(verb) 1 to not have enough of something that you need: Annie lacks the
self-discipline to do her homework every day...
The dictionary gives the following sentences as examples of the word "lack":
(a) Noun - Lack of regular exercise may increase the chance of illness.
(b) Verb - Annie lacks the self-discipline to do her homework every day.
Use these entries to help you correct the following sentence:
"He is lack of experience."
Answer:
The word "lack" can be either a noun or a verb.
1. noun: "He has a lack of experience." "He shows a lack of experience."

2. verb: "He lacks experience."
Note: You could also use "lacking", which is an adjective.
eg "He's lacking in experience."
Exercise
You now know how to use the dictionary to help you edit a letter. Below is an exercise to practise
what you've learned.
Help Albert edit his letter so that it will be ready to send. Each paragraph from the letter is shown
below.
Use your dictionary to identify the errors. Then rewrite each paragraph.
Paragraph 1
"Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding."
Answer: "Thank you for your letter of 1 March 200X. I apologise the delay in responding."
Paragraph 2
"I am please to provide you the informations about our standing instructions."
Answer: "I am pleased to provide you with the information about our standing instructions."
Paragraph 3
"I understand you have no experiences of this service before. However, I'm sure you'll find this
from your account automatically."
Answer: "I understand you have no experience of this service before. However, I'm sure you'll find
this service very convenient. When you use this service to settle your bill, we will debit the amount
from your account automatically."
Paragraph 4
"May I suggest you to apply immediately by filling out the enclose application form. We are happy
to arrange you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss about this, please call to me or
any of our staffs on 2344 6577."
Answer: "May I suggest that you apply immediately by filling out the enclosed application form.
We are happy to arrange for you to enjoy this free service. If you would like to discuss this, please
call me or any of our staff on 2344 6577."
Paragraph 5
"I look forward to hearing from you."
Answer: "I look forward to hearing from you." (no errors)

When you edit, you can get a lot of help from a dictionary. You can also get help from another
"friend".
Editing: Peer Editing

Peer editing is another strategy you can use.
But what exactly is "peer editing"?
When two people learn English, they both learn different things at different times. In other words,
your friend or colleague will know some things that you haven't learned yet. And you will have
learned things that they don't know yet.
As a result, you can help each other.

At HSBC all staff are encouraged to work with a colleague to edit each other's writing. When two
people do this, they become "learning partners."
Have you ever worked with a colleague or friend to edit each other's writing?
If you have, make a list of the benefits you found.
HSBC staff who practise peer editing

1. get a different way of looking at their own writing
2. become more aware of their own errors
3. enjoy learning with each other
4. gain confidence in their own writing skills.
You've now learned the first two editing strategies. You've learned how two "friends" - a dictionary
and a colleague - can help you edit what you write.
You also may want to know how you can reduce the amount of time you need for editing.
Two other strategies will help you improve your skill in using English. As your skill improves, you'll
use less time in editing because you make fewer errors.
Editing: Using A Grammar Reference Book
To help you edit what you have written, you can use a dictionary.
However, to continuously improve your English language skills (and reduce the need for editing), you
can use a grammar reference book.
Some useful grammar books are:
Common Business English Errors in Hong Kong by John Potter (Longman)

The Language of Business English by Brieger and Sweeney (Prentice Hall)
The Collins Cobuild English Grammar: Self study edition with answer key (HarperCollins)
Practical English Usage by Michael Swan (Oxford)
Choose a grammar book that gives you an opportunity to practise as you learn and has an answer key.
If you know how to find information on the internet, you can also study English grammar on-line.
Many sites are available. You can access them by using the Search function and typing
"English+grammar".
A grammar book is designed so that you can find the answer to particular problems of English
grammar.
A grammar book is a reference book. You don't start at Unit 1 and study the units one by one. You
don't even need to study a whole unit at a time. Different people have different problems, so they need
to look at different points in different units.
Look at the Table of Contents. Each unit deals with different grammar point. Unit headings
identify the grammar points (for example, "Nouns", "Prepositions","Modals"). Choose the
grammar point you want to study.
Look at the Index at the back of the book. The Index is an alphabetical list of grammar points.
You can find the grammar point you want to study by looking in the Index.
Look at the Glossary: Most grammar books explain the terms they use (for example,
"determiner", "clause", "question tag") in a glossary.
Choose one area of grammar (eg verb + preposition) that

you are weak in
you use frequently at work
is important to you.
Use a grammar reference book to build up your proficiency in that area. When you feel confident in
that area, then choose another area.
Your knowledge of and skill in using English grammar will increase over time. It takes time and
patience to develop good language skills.
You can use a grammar reference book to improve your English in specific areas.
But how can you know which areas of English grammar you need to improve?
The next strategy will help you

decide which area of grammar to work on first
keep a record of your progress.
Editing: Your Own Personal Errors Log
To improve your grammar, you shouldn't try to work on every area at once.
You need a plan. In other words, you need to
l identify the grammar points you wish to improve
l decide the order in which you will study the grammar points
l decide how long you will study each grammar point.
To help you prepare such a plan, you can use a "Personal Errors Log".
Below is an example of a "Personal Errors Log".
Type of Error Error Correction Study Timeline

Verb + verb 'May I suggest you to 'May I suggest you March-May 200X
apply...' apply...'
(Example only)
Verb + preposition 'discuss about' 'discuss' June-August 200X
'apologise causing...' 'apologise for (Example only)

causing...'
Countable / Uncountable 'informations' 'information' Sep-Nov 200X
Nouns
'staffs' 'staff' (Example only)
Word class 'I am please' 'I am pleased...'
'very convenience' 'very convenient'

Verb tenses
Active/ passive
Other
You can use the "Personal Errors Log" to help you work on the grammar points you wish to improve.
But how can you know which areas of grammar you need to improve?
You can do two things:
l You can keep a record of the errors you and your colleague identify when you edit. The errors which
you make most often are the ones you should work on.
l You can take a "Personal Writing Analysis" to identify the grammar points which cause you the
most problems.
Editing: Personal Writing Analysis
The "Personal Writing Analysis" on the next six sections will help you identify specific areas for
personal improvement.
Each section covers one of the most common grammar problems facing people who use English as an
additional language.
Follow this procedure for the "Personal Writing Analysis":
In each section...
1) Choose the six correct answers.
2) Decide what grammar point is being tested in the section.
3) Check your answer.
After completing all six sections, you'll get your results. In addition, you'll be able to identify the
grammar points you need to improve (ie the sections in which you had the most errors).
SECTION A
Choose the correct sentence.
1) We would appreciate if you could let us have a few copies.
be appreciated
appreciate it
2 Mr Chan suggested me to apply for the position of credit officer.
I apply
me applying
3) John apologised about making the error.
to making
for making
4) I arranged for him to learn how to use the new computer.
him to learn
him learning
5) Please notify your decision to us by 31 July.
us your decision
us of your decision
6) Mr Casey is responsible to set up a new training schedule.
for setting up
with setting up
Keys:
1) appreciate 2) I supply 3) for making 4) for him to learn 5) us of your decision 6) for setting up
This test is about verb+verb.
SECTION B
Choose the correct sentence. You have one chance only.
1) I wonder if there was any error occurred in the computer calculation.
there is any
any
2) Can you assure us that this will not happen again?
be happened
be happening
3) I think you will have benefit from our improved customer service.
be benefited
benefit
4) A letter of credit has arranged for you.
has been arranged
being arranged
5) We are sorry for the inconvenience that has caused you.
has been caused to
has caused to
6) It was decided that the meeting will hold on 13 September.
is held
will be held
Keys:
1) any 2) happen 3) benefit 4) has been arranged 5) has been caused to 6) will be held
The grammar tested is active/passive verbs.
SECTION C

1) The new strategy will be announced tomorrow. The Board of Directors have met last Thursday.
have meet
met
2) Thank you for taking part in this year's staff survey. Please indicate how long you have been
working for the Bank
had worked
were working
3) The Board will meet again next week to discuss the issue.
They mentioned the possibility of a merger at the last meeting.
have mentioned
have had mentioned
4) Richard is very upset. He says he did not receive any statements for the past four months.
has not received
did not received
5) Mrs Yu is a valued customer. She was banking with us for twenty years.
had been
has been
6) We don't know if Tom will attend the meeting. We did not hear from him lately.
have not heard
did not heard
Keys:
1) met 2) have been working 3) mentioned 4) has not received 5) has been 6) have not heard
The grammar tested here is verb tenses.
SECTION D
1) There have been several occurrence of theft in that company recently.
occurrences
2) He has no experience in this sort of work.
experiences
3) Cash-handling jobs require the concentration.
a concentration.
concentration.
4) Please send us some informations about the Hexagon service.
information
5) You must always get a permission from your supervisor.
the permission
permission
6) We have just installed a great deal of new computer equipments in our Head Office.
equipment
Keys:
1) occurrences 2) experience 3) concentration 4) information 5) permission 6) equipment
The grammar tested here is countable/ uncountable nouns.
SECTION E
1) H.J. Wells & Co. have sent us a bill about HKD 4,999.00.
for HKD 4,999.00.
on HKD 4,999.00.
2) I submitted formal proposals to computerise the accounts, but the manager has not agreed on them
yet.
to
with
3) We have not had any complaints on the revised appraisal system.
of
about
4) Gerry did not regret of his decision to refuse their requests for further credit facilities.
his decision
for his decision
5) At the meeting we would like to discuss about how we can improve our work environment.
on how
how
6) Please provide me the information by 1 July.
with the information
Keys:
1) for HKD 4,999.00 2) to 3) about 4) his decision 5) how 6) with the information
The grammar tested here is verb + preposition.

SECTION F
1) We have great confident in our staff. confidence
2) The recently conference was a great success. recent
3) ABC.com suffered a loss of over 2 million dollars last month. lose
4) Albert was a suitability candidate for the position of clerk. suitable
5) The accountant was asked to analysis the sales figures. analyse
6) This department must become more efficiency. efficient.
Keys:
1) confidence 2) recent 3) loss 4) suitable 5) analyse 6) efficient
The grammar tested here is word class.
You have now completed the "Personal Writing Analysis".

Now, you should be able to decide which area of grammar you need to work on first.
Work on one area of grammar at a time. For example, set yourself a time period of 3 months to work
on sentences with two verbs (verb + verb). Then work on sentences which contain verbs followed by
prepositions (verb + preposition), etc.
You need to decide what will study and for how long you will study. When you decide, record this
information in your "Personal Errors Log".
Also, continue to record the errors from the documents you write at work.
Then use a grammar reference book or an on-line course to help you improve those areas.
Your "Personal Errors Log" will become a record of your progress.
Summary
In this chapter, you learned to edit what you write.
You learned how to use two "friends" to help you identify and correct errors in your business
documents. These two "friends" are your dictionary and your colleague.
You also learned how to use two "tools" to help you improve your English (and reduce the amount of
editing you need to do). These two "tools" are a grammar reference book and a "Personal Errors Log".
In addition, you identified specific English grammar points you need to improve. You identified these
areas after you completed the "Personal Writing Analysis".
Editing what you write is very important. After you edit your document, it should be correct. If it is, it
will make a good impression on your reader. In addition, you'll get the results you're looking for.
Summary Exercise
LETTER TO MR PERRY
In Chapter 3, you drafted a letter to Mr Perry. You also revised it. In Chapters 4-6, you continued to
revise the letter.
In this exercise, you're going to edit the letter.
To do this exercise, you'll need the letter which you revised in Chapter 6.
Check the letter very carefully. Focus on those grammar points which cause problems for you. Use a
dictionary - and a friend or colleague - to help.
After you have identified and corrected all the errors, write the final version on a piece of paper.
When you finish, you can compare your final version with the sample letter on the next screen.
Below is a sample of the letter to Mr Perry.
15 October 200X
Mr Robert Perry
Flat 3 A Bayshore Tower
Mary's Point
Vancouver
Dear Mr Perry
Premier Account 613 556556 888
We have received the cheque (no 60263) which you deposited through our "Quick Deposit' service
on 9 August 200X. However, we have been unable to credit the money to your Premier account.
Please let me explain what has happened.
The name on a cheque needs to match the name of the account. Unfortunately, the name on the
cheque was R Pery instead of R Perry. As a result, I have enclosed the cheque so that you can return
it to the person who issued it.
Please ask that person to issue another one. As soon as we receive the cheque with the correct
name, we can deposit it in your account.
I hope this information is helpful.
Yours sincerely
Well Done!
You've now completed Chapter 8... and the entire Writing Process.
In this chapter, you learned how to edit what you write.
You also learned what the most common grammar problems are for people who use English as an
additional language.
So, now you should know how to identify and correct errors by
using a dictionary
relying on a colleague's help (peer editing)
using a grammar reference book
developing a "Personal Errors Log".
In the next - and last - chapter, you'll have an opportunity to practise everything you've learned.
See you there!
Chapter 9 Writing For Results
Welcome to the final chapter of Writing For Results!

In the previous chapters, you learned about the Writing Process, a five-stage procedure to help you
write effective business correspondence.
In this chapter, you're going to practise everything you've learned as you write a letter using the
Writing Process.
When you finish your letter, you'll be able to compare it with an example provided by HSBC.
Objectives
By the end of this chapter you'll have
reviewed the Writing Process by completing a quick quiz and
used the Writing Process to write a business letter in reply to a customer.
This means you'll have
planned your document using 3 strategies
organised your document using the SOFAR outline
drafted your document by just writing - no editing
revised your document using the "5 Cs" and
edited your document for the four most common grammar errors.
So, by the end of this chapter you should be able to write documents that get the results you want!
The Writing Process: A Quick Review

Before you begin writing your business letter, complete the following quiz. The ten questions will
help you review the Writing Process.
Choose the correct answer. For some questions, you can choose more than one answer.
1. What is the correct order for the 5 stages of the Writing Process?
A. Edit, Organise, Draft, Plan, Revise
B. Draft, Revise, Organise, Plan, Edit
C. Plan, Draft, Organise, Edit, Revise
D. Plan, Organise, Draft, Revise, Edit
2. What questions should you consider in the Planning stage?
A. What should I include as the background?
B. What does my reader need to know?
C. Why am I writing this letter?
D. What would I like my reader to do?
3. In the Planning stage, which strategy involves providing specific details or facts?
A. Background
B. Reader's Information
C. Reader's Response
D. Writer's Purpose
4. In the Organising stage, what is the correct order for the contents of the letter?
A. Background, Reader's Information, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Response
B. Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Response, Reader's Information
C. Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Information, Reader's Response
D. Background, Reader's Response, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Information
5. Which set of letters can help you remember the five parts of a business letter?
A. SORAF
B. FARSO
C. SROFA
D. SOFAR
6. What do you need to do in the third stage of the Writing Process?
A. check the document is complete
B. rewrite the document in a concise style
C. only write - don't edit!
D. check that all paragraphs are cohesive
7. What are the "5 Cs" of the Revising stage?
A. Concise
B. Cohesive
C. Complete
D. Considerate
E. Clear
F. Courteous
8. What makes a cohesive paragraph?
A. one topic sentence
B. supporting sentences
C. one main idea
D. transitions
9. What are the four "Ps" that make a letter courteous?
A. Polite
B. Personal
C. Practical
D. Positive
E. Professional
10. What common errors are checked in the fifth stage of the Writing Process?
A. sentences with two verbs
B. verbs + prepositions
C. passive verbs
D. word class
E. countable/uncountable nouns
Question Correct Answers
1. What is the correct order for the 5 stages of Plan, Organise, Draft, Revise, Edit
the Writing Process?
2. What questions should you consider in the Why am I writing this letter?
Planning stage? What does my reader need to know?
What would I like my reader to do?
3. In the Planning stage, which strategy involves Reader's Information
"specific details or facts"?
4. In the Organising stage, what is the correct Background, Writer's Purpose, Reader's Information,
order for the contents of the letter? Reader's Response
5. Which set of letters can help you remember SOFAR
the five parts of a business letter?
6. What do you need to do in the third stage of only write - don't edit!
the Writing Process?
7. What are the "5 Cs" of the Revising stage? Courteous, Clear, Concise, Complete, Cohesive
8. What makes a cohesive paragraph? one main idea, one topic sentence
supporting sentences, transitions
9. What are the four "Ps" that make a letter Polite, Personal, Positive, Professional
courteous?
10. What common errors are checked in the fifth sentences with two verbs
stage of the Writing Process? verbs + prepositions
word class
countable/uncountable nouns
The Writing Process: Recommendations

Use the table below to identify which chapters you may need to review.
If you have the answer wrong for Then you need to review
Question 1 Introduction
Question 2 Chapter 1
Final Exercise: The Task

You're going to use the Writing Process to write a reply to the following letter from a customer, Billy
Ng. There are five stages in the Writing Process, so there are five parts in this final exercise.
Before you start the first stage, carefully read the letter from Billy Ng.
30 June 200X
Dear Mr Chan
I am sorry to inform you that a recent incident has negatively affected my good impression of the
Bank.
Allow me to explain. On 10 June 200X, I received my monthly Visa card statement.

Unfortunately, as I was on a business trip in mid-June, I was unable to send a cheque to settle my
account until 22 June 200X.
Then, on the evening of 26 June 200X, I had dinner with friends. Afterwards I tried to pay the bill
of HKD3,200 using my Visa card but it was rejected three times. In the end, to my great
embarrassment, my guests had to pay the bill for me.
Could you please look into this matter. I thought I had a credit limit of HKD20,000. If this is the
case, why was it not made available to me after I settled the June statement?
I am unhappy that the Bank has let an incident like this affect its services.
Yours sincerely
Billy Ng
Final Exercise: Stage 1 - Planning

Now that you've read Billy Ng's letter and checked his records, you're ready to begin the first stage of
the Writing Process.
You're ready to start planning your document. You can use the information below as a guide. If you
need more help, you can refer to Chapter 1.
Writer's Purpose:
Why am I writing this letter?
Reader's Response:
What would I like my reader to do?
Reader's Information:
What does my reader need to know?
Final Exercise: Stage 2 - Organising

Now that you've finished planning your document, you're ready to begin the second stage of the
Writing Process.
You're ready to start organising your letter to Billy Ng. You can use the information below to
transform your plan into an outline. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter 2 and Chapter 7.
30 June 200X
Dear Mr Chan
I am sorry to inform you that a recent incident has negatively affected my good impression of the
Bank.
Allow me to explain. On 10 June 200X, I received my monthly Visa card statement.

Unfortunately, as I was on a business trip in mid-June, I was unable to send a cheque to settle my
account until 22 June 200X.
Then, on the evening of 26 June 200X, I had dinner with friends. Afterwards I tried to pay the bill
of HKD3,200 using my Visa card but it was rejected three times. In the end, to my great
embarrassment, my guests had to pay the bill for me.
Could you please look into this matter. I thought I had a credit limit of HKD20,000. If this is the
case, why was it not made available to me after I settled the June statement?
I am unhappy that the Bank has let an incident like this affect its services.
Yours sincerely
Billy Ng
ORGANIZE
S (Salutation)
O (Opening & Purpose)
F (Facts)
A (Action)
R (concluding Remarks)
Final Exercise: Stage 3- Drafting

Now that you've finished organising your document, you're ready to begin the third stage of the
Writing Process.
You're ready to start drafting your letter to Billy Ng. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter
3.
Remember: Only write - don't edit!
Final Exercise: Stage 4 - Revising

Now that you've finished drafting your document, you're ready to begin the fourth stage of the Writing
Process.
You're ready to start revising your document.
There is a lot work to do in the fourth stage. You can start by revising the first two "Cs" first.
You need to revise your letter to Billy Ng by making sure your
document is complete and
paragraphs are cohesive.
If you need more help you can refer to Chapters 3 and 4.
You can continue revising your letter to Billy Ng on the basis of three more 'Cs'.
You need to revise your letter to Billy Ng by making sure your sentences are
clear
concise and
courteous.
If you need more help you can refer to Chapters 5 and 6.
Final Exercise: Business Letter Layout
You're about to learn something important about the layout of a business letter. You need to know this
before you can begin the fifth stage of the Writing Process.
The layout - or format - of a business letter refers to its design. The layout affects the way the words
of the document are placed on a page.
There are a number of different layout styles. HSBC uses the full-blocked style.
In the full-blocked style, all parts of the letter start at the left margin. As a result, it's easy to type and
easy to read. It is one of the most common styles used in business today. Writers and readers both like
it.
HSBC also uses open punctuation.
In open punctuation, no punctuation is used in
the reader's address
the salutation (Dear...)
the complimentary close (eg Yours sincerely).
Whenever you write a business letter, you should use the full-blocked style with open punctuation...
like the letter below.
Ms Fiona Green
Sai Kung NT
22 April 200X
Dear Ms Green
Phone Payment Service (PPS)
I would like to tell you the details.
We sent you the Phone Payment service (PPS) details and application form on 20 April.
Yours sincerely
Clever Man
Manager
Smart Branch
Writing a Letter: Stage 5 - Editing

You've finished revising your document. You also know the layout of a business letter. So, you're
ready to begin the fifth stage of the Writing Process.
You're ready to start editing your letter to Billy Ng. This is your final step. Make sure you use
the full-blocked layout style and
open punctuation.
In addition, remember to check your document for the four most common grammar problems:
verb + verb (two verbs in a sentence)
verb + preposition
countable/uncountable nouns
word class.
You will also find it helpful to work with a friend... and to use a dictionary and a grammar reference
book. If you need more help, you can refer to Chapter 8.
You can compare your letter with an example provided by HSBC.
An example provided by HSBC
4 July 200X
Mr Billy Ng
Fairview Court
Fortress Hill
Hong Kong
Dear Mr Ng
Visa Card 4966 0400 0125 5672
Thank you for your letter of 30 June. We are very sorry to hear that you are unhappy with our
service.
Please let me explain the situation.
We have checked our records carefully. Although your letter with the cheque for HKD19,900
was post-marked 24 June, it did not reach us until 1 July. As a result, on 26 June the available
balance was only HKD100. Therefore, the transaction for HKD3,200 exceeded the limit of
HKD20,000 and was not successful.
To avoid a similar situation in the future, may I make several suggestions. You may want to
settle your account by using one of our automated teller machines located all over Hong Kong.
You might also consider using our auto-pay service. If you would like to do this, simply
complete the enclosed form and return it to us. We will do the rest.
I hope this information is helpful.
Yours sincerely
AL Chan
AL Chan
Manager
Encl
Well Done!
You have now completed this course!
Now that you've finished, three things should have happened.
First of all, you should have improved your English reading skills. Second, you should have improved
your English writing skills. Finally, you should have learned how to learn by yourself.
HSBC hopes that this course has helped you and that you will be able to use what you've learned.

Improve Your English Writing Skill

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HSBC Writing Course--"Writing for Results"

Date: Jul. 1 2007

Chapter 1 Plan your writing.................................................................................................................... 3

Chapter 2 Organise your writing ............................................................................................................ 7

Chapter 3 Draft and revise your writing to make it complete............................................................... 18

Chapter 4 Revise your writing to make it cohesive .............................................................................. 30

Chapter 5 Revise your writing to make it clear and concise................................................................. 46

Chapter 6 Revise your writing to make it courteous............................................................................. 65

Chapter 7 Structure difficult letters....................................................................................................... 87

Chapter 8 Edit your writing ................................................................................................................ 106

Chapter 9 Writing For Results............................................................................................................ 132

Good writers follow the five stages of the Writing Process to

Why do you plan?

How can you plan your writing?

Why are you writing?

HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766

Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.

Please therefore pick up your renewed card at your earliest convenience.

We are pleased to be of service.

Simon probably wanted to do two things:

Im writing to / I would like toexplain / request

WHAT do you want the reader to do?

WHAT does the reader need to know?

Look at the letter again:

HSBC CREDIT CARD 5411 8001 7633 8766

Thank you for your letter dated 18 September 200X.

We are pleased to be of service.

THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

THEN Mr Roman needs to know (reader's information)

Chapter 2 Organise your writing

By the end of this chapter you'll be able to organise your writing.

preparing a clear outline

Planning: A Quick Review

A well-organised letter, memo, fax or e-mail is easy to read and understand.

So, organising is just as important as planning.

How do you organise what you have planned?

Organising: Types of Correspondence

How many types of correspondence do you need to write?

Can you recognise the formats of the documents you write?

The way you organise the contents of most documents is similar.

The HSBC Group MEMO

To: All Staff Date: 20 July 200X

I would like to inform you of the changes.

Paragraph2: writers purpose

Paragraph3: readers information

Paragraph4: readers response

34D Scenic Lane

Classic Visa Card: Annual Fee

I would like to explain the situation.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Paragraph2: writers purpose

Paragraph3: readers information

Paragraph4: readers response

Paragraph5: closing marks

By now, you should be familiar with

To learn how to organise a letter to a customer, go to the next screen.

Organising: SOFAR Strategy

Salutation Dear Mr/Mrs/Ms/Miss...

The Opening includes two parts (and usually two paragraphs):

Some opening sentences are better than others.

OPENING (WRITER'S PURPOSE)

Two of the most common reasons are:

The HSBC Group MEMO

To: All Staff Date: 20 July 200X