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YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY

You Are Not Going Crazy:

Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation

Vicente Arredondo

Florida State University

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The tactics of manipulation have been a long breed survival tool for humans, deception

and lies were once necessary to acquire food, water, and shelter. As times have changed, the

instinct to lie and manipulate others in order to obtain ones desires has not changed. As defined

by Dictionary.com, gas lighting is to cause (a person) to doubt his or her sanity through

psychological manipulation. The term Gas lighting has been used by therapists since 1944, it

comes from the film Gaslight, in which Gregory deliberately tries to make his spouse Paula

lose her mind by manipulating her, her friends, and her physical environment (Abramson). In

the movie, Gregory, the husband, lowered the lights fueled by gas in his house in order to

deceive his wife into believing that she was going mad. She was beginning to believe that she

was just imagine the change in lighting. He would claim that what his wife was seeing was false

and was part of her imagination leading her to start doubting herself and her senses. This method

of manipulation has contributed to numerous toxic relationships and has left its victims with

scars beyond comprehension. Gas lighting is a delicate issue that is present in almost all

relationships without the people involved knowing that it is happening at all. It occurs at

different levels and intensities so it can definitely vary from relationship to relationship. There is

an increasing need however to shed more light on this issue that is sometimes misunderstood and

unknown to most.

Toxic relationships are relationships that are very unstable and lead the people

involved in the relationship to live tortured lives. Relationships like this tend to be very

unproductive and lack benefits for both parties. To define what a toxic relationship is can be hard

because there are so many ways a relationship can be defines as toxic. As defined by the

dictionary a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the

toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner.
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This means that any relationship that has negative effects, be it emotional or physical on the

other person, is considered toxic. It is common to hear stories of these kinds of relationships

either on the news or in television shows. This however should not be a sign that these kinds of

relationships are the norm or are in any form considered acceptable behavior. What is more

unheard of or less common is the kind of toxic relationship which involves emotional damage

instead of physical harm which in many cases can be more damaging. This emotional damage

cannot be as easily seen by others since it is not on the surface like physical damage. The

emotional damage can be present in the form of derogatory terms, lies and changes in

personality. The clearest sign that one is in a toxic relationship of any kind is that the person or

persons involved are not happy with each other and that they are negatively being affected by

being together in a relationship.

The victimizer, the person that is toxic in the relationship is often a person that is not

mentally stable. It is essential to know why some people harm their partners and seem to be

fulfilled from harming them. A person that emotionally manipulates others can almost certainly

be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a pervasive pattern of

grandiosity, need of admiration, and lack of empathy (Ronningstam). People who suffer from

NPD are people who feel entitled and have a need to be treated with special attention. They

disregard others and their importance, they believe that there are no consequences to their actions

and they have exploitive tendencies. The deadly combination of characteristics that people who

suffer from NPD have is the lack of empathy and the belief of superiority. These kinds of people

are unable to see from others perspectives and when they feel they are better than others it is

impossible to make them see otherwise. Gas lighters, the people who emotionally manipulate,

hurt their partner because they feel thath their partner is not good enough for them and they
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deserve to be treated as such. When the emotional manipulation starts to grow in intensity and

the victim becomes more submissive the non-remorseful narcissist has more power and authority

slowly enveloping the victim.

Gaslighters are often thought to be masters of emotions because one would think that it

takes emotional skill to manipulate others emotionally. This however is actually wrong. There

was a study made about the relationship between Emotional Intelligence (EI), Machiavellianism

(Mach), and emotional manipulation. The study showed findings that Machs endorse emotional

manipulation items but high Machs actually lack emotion-related skills (Austin, Farrely, Black,

and Moore). What this means is that people who are machiavellic or enjoy hurting and

manipulating others are those people who are most unstable and do not have self-control over

their own emotions which is ironic. This explains why narcissists need to hurt others, they have a

deep desire for control but since there is no internal stability they impose this defect on their

partners. In a sense these gaslighters try to compensate their defects by making others defective

per say.

When a person is being gas lighted they automatically fall under the emotional abuse

category in toxic relationships. Since gas lighting is not physical but works more with emotions

and the manipulation of thoughts as well as self-perception of the person being affected it can

easily become dangerous. Its imperceptive manner is what leads it to be so easily progressive, it

is hard for the victim to detect that it is happening until the problem as grown to a point that can

be unsafe. Gaslighting is not clear at the beginning of a relationship. Usually when a relationship

begins gas lighting it is very minimal or non-existing. This is because a gaslighter will never

wholly start manipulating the other person in the beginning of the relationship because the other

person would not be mentally weakened enough to allow such an aggressive and degrading
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behavior. Gas lighting is much more sinister and works in a long period of time slowly

increasing in intensity and frequency. Usually it starts with small comments such as referring to a

memory and jokingly saying that some part of that memory is untrue or remembered wrong.

After a while bigger and more important memories, either of fights or events, are compromised.

The toxic person begins to plant self-doubt in the other persons memory and mind. Soon

comments such as you are crazy or you cant remember anything pop up in the conversation.

After a while of hearing these things repetitively one begins to believe them. Soon the victim

begins to apologize for mistakes pointed out by the toxic partner. The victims feel responsible

and at fault for not being able to remember anything correctly. The toxic person soon puts all the

burden and weight of anything that goes wrong on the victim even if it is outlandish to blame

them. The victim at this point is so mentally trapped and closed minded that they are not able to

see clearly and feel too much self-doubt to look for help. This is the most dangerous part of gas

lighting, once a victim is trapped under so much blame and lack of confidence it is hard to have

the mentality to leave the toxic relationship.

Self, doubt is what emotional manipulation, specifically gas lighting, aims to do. It is

such a vulnerable position when someone has self-doubt. They allow someone else to come in

and take over their decision making as well as the rest of their mind because they feel inadequate

to do so on their own. There are two kinds of self-doubt, one is developmental doubt which

potentiates biographical, historical and thematic issues of self-doubt. The other kind is

dispositional doubt which is characterized by an automatic devaluing or suppression of needs

and feelings. (Portnow and Kegan) When the victim begins to feel these kinds of doubts they feel

dependent on their toxic partner. Their view of the toxic partner although may be of fear, sees the

gas lighter as the person that is always right and can carry them through their lives. It becomes
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impossible for the victims to separate from their oppressive partners because they feel it is

impossible to live without their presence.

There is a chance that someone that is known to you might be going through a situation

that is similar to what was just explained. It is true that there are many relationships that do not

go through this but there is still a possibility that a good relationship can become toxic over time.

A toxic relationship can happen to anybody. It is very important to be able to handle a situation

where there is a victimizer that does not believe that they are doing any kind of wrong and a

victim that does not believe they can live without the same person that is making them so

miserable. When the options are put to the victim it is very unlikely for them to see that there is

any solution that will actually work. Sometimes even if the best of options and support is offered

it will seem very useless to the victim because they are so mentality trapped by the victimizer

that any kind of solution seems impossible to be of effect or having a possibility of actually

occurring.

Most people who are victims of toxic relationships will not want to seek any kind of help.

They will think that they have everything under control and will be able to be fixed by them but

with time. This is the worst kind of mindset because in relationships that are gas lighted, time is

of the most essence. The more time passes the worst the symptoms and actions of the

relationship will be. It is like a time bomb ticking, counting down the days, hours and minutes till

the most aggressive and deadly actions occur. There is only a fatal result that will be produced if

no attempt of terminating the relationship takes place. It is very important for the friends and

family of someone that is being gas lighted to stay strong willed and motivated. This is because it

is very easy to get discouraged by the victim when trying to help them. The victim will try all

means to impede loved ones to help them. They see the help as a form of attack to their person
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and their way of living. These victims need a very strong support system and foundation on

which they can feel stable and secure. The process of detachment is extremely unpleasant and

dreadful, the victim will suffer from symptoms of drug withdrawal. Symptoms of detachment

will be like Hollister and colleagues explain drug withdrawal symptoms are, there is aggravation,

agitation and insomnia. Hollister also says that loss of appetite and nausea are present as well in

drug withdrawal. These drug withdrawal symptoms are very similar and parallel how victims of

emotional manipulation feel and suffer when they are separated from their oppressor. This is

because of the sudden change of lifestyle, no longer having the victimizer to attack them and be

present like before will be of certain shock. This is a stage that is important to be firm and

confident when helping someone get through it.

What can be done to help the victims of gas lighting is to be aware of what the signs of

gas lighting are. These signs can be the key to helping someone being affected by gas lighting to

be able to see that there is a problem and know how to confront it. The main signs of gas lighting

are that the victim is always apologizing for everything, if someone is constantly saying sorry for

things that are at times not even their fault it is a clear sign of manipulation. Another sign is that

the victim starts questioning themselves. Victims of emotional manipulation may feel that they

are too sensitive or that they do everything wrong. Another sign is that the victim is very

unhappy and doesnt feel confident in themselves at all. These are a few signs that a person is

victim of a toxic relationship and is being gas lighted. There are many resources such as

therapists and psychologists that can help a person overcome this situation. The first step is

always the hardest but it is the one that will determine if the rest of the steps are effective. The

victim has to get away from the toxic person and end the relationship for good because it will

only get worse.

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Austin, E. J., Farrelly, D., Black, C., & Moore, H. (2007). Emotional intelligence,

Machiavellianism and emotional manipulation: Does EI have a dark side?. Personality

and Individual Differences, 43(1), 179-189.

Portnow, K. E., Kegan, R., (2007) Dialogs Of Doubt: The Psychology of Self-Doubt And

Emotional Gaslighting In Adult Women and Men. Retrieved from

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Ronningstam, E. (2010, Jan 30). Corsini Encyclopedia of Psychology. Narcissistic Personality

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Hollister, L.E., Motzenbecker, F.P. & Degan, R.O. Psychopharmacologia (1961) 2: 63.

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