Self Reflection!

Looking back when I was growing up, I couldnt help but notice

there was something that was different in me. I didnt know what it

was. But oddly in some way I knew there something different.

Everything didnt add up.

It took me a long time to really be comfortable in my skin, with

sexuality and identity. It took me to be outed in high school by a friend

at school, to start addressing my sexuality, how I identify myself and

embrace it.

I remember the day it came to me like a revelation being

unfolded and it was like you found your whole meaning, identity and

purpose in life. I remember this like it was yesterday and I can recall it,

as if I was sitting there and having the story being told to me through a

movie.

So the big revelation unfolded to me when I was the age of 3-4.

My cousin and I had run into the bathroom together to pee. At the

time, we didnt know any better, that a little boy and little girl cannot

be going to bathroom together, but we did it anyways. After using the

bathroom, we washed our hands, and I looked over at my cousin Seini

and said to her out loud,

I am supposed to have what you have! she pauses for a moment,

taken back with my comment, she then replies back aggressively.

What do you mean, that youre suppose to have what I have? (keep in

mind that we are like three to four years old) She continues without

hesitation.

No, youre not a girl. You are a boy! How can you be a girl when

youre a boy and youre born a boy?

A little frustrated at this point. I replied to her, I dont know, but I

know I was suppose to be a girl and not a boy, thats all I know.

Thats all I can say!

My cousin Seini calms down, takes a deep breathe, looks over at me

and she gives me a hug and tells me, like it was our secret oath that

no matter what, Leka, I still love you!

As I continue on my journey from that day after I revealed to my

cousin about how I truly identify myself. In the sanctuary and

protection of my and my grand parents house, I would cut shorts and

make them into dresses and even wear my cousins dresses

sometimes if they fit me.

I got taunted by family members and peers for the clothes I was

wearing. How I was standing, how I walked and how I talked. It was like

I was walking target. When it came to family functions, you can already

tell by the looks and the actions of some of the extended family

members and cousins, that they didnt like me, or like how I was

supposedly acting. Again I wasnt boy enough or man enough for

them. So I guess it was their way of trying to get me to get out of this
supposed phase, I was going through. I sometimes felt it was a scare

tacit, to have me be so scared that something was going to happen, if I

dont change. So they would be straightforward and holding nothing

back from how I was acting, to how I need to behave and what I need

to do as boy and not do it as a girl.

Growing up, to do things as a girl was the ultimate smear tactic

used to get boys like me to shape up and be more of a boy and be

normal and fit into the gender stereotype of what a boy is and what it

is for a boy to do. But at times, when you think of normal its not the

same concept for different individuals. Everyone has their take and

their opinion on what is normal. Even sometimes our very society we

live in, in some sort way fashion that definition of what normal should

be and should be like.

When we look at psychology and look at the very definition of

gender, or gender identity, it is define solely as the internal sense of

oneself as male or female or other. Studies has illustrated that the

concept of gender identity is not simply a psychosocial construct but

likely reflects a complex interplay of biologic, environmental, and

cultural factors. (Contemporary Pediatrics)

Majority of individuals have a gender identity that is aligned with

their sex that was assigned at birth based on external genitals. The

term cisgender is often used to describe those who have a gender

identity aligned with anatomic sex. Children are aware of their gender
identity generally by age 2 years or younger. (Contemporary

Pediatrics)

Gender expression, on the other hand, refers to the way an

individual communicates his or her gender within the community and

culture, and can include name, haircut, pronouns, and clothing, among

others. (Contemporary Pediatrics)

Many children display periods of nonconforming gender

expression, which typically does not persist into grade school years.

Some children, at very young ages, recognize that their gender is

different from the sex they were assigned at birth, conveying this

sense through their identity, expression, or both, and sometimes

correcting the adults around them. These children may be referred to

as gender expansive, or sometimes gender creative, gender

nonconforming, or gender independent. But regardless of the label,

this is a naturally occurring phenomenon representative of the

diversity of human experience. If met with rejection, suspicion, or

negative responses, children may internalize that there is something

wrong or shameful about their sex-gender discrepancy. This

internalization can lead to high rates of depression, anxiety, and other

negative health outcomes. (Contemporary Pediatrics)

When we take into consideration Erik Eriksons psychosocial

stages, according to the theory, a successful completion of each stage

results in a healthy personality and the acquisition of basic virtues.

Basic virtues are characteristic strengths in which the ego can use to

resolve subsequent crises. (Mcleod)

Failure to successfully complete a stage can result in a reduced

ability to complete further stages and therefore a more unhealthy

personality and sense of self. These stages, however, can be resolved

successfully at a later time. (Mcleod)

According to small snippet of my life and a reflection of my

experiences. I have come to complete to following stages according to

Eriksons psychosocial theory: (Mcleod)

1.Trustvs.Mistrust(Mcleod)

2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Mcleod)

3. Initiative vs. Guilt (Mcleod)
4. Industry (competence) vs. Inferiority (Mcleod)
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion (Mcleod)

Works Cited
Contemporary Pediatrics, expert advice for todays pediatrician.
Affirming gender, caring for Gender atypical children and adolescents.
Ed. Joel Baum MS, Diane Ehrensaft PhD, Stephen M Rosenthal MD By
Ilana Sherer MD. 01 January 2015. 21 April 2017
<http://contemporarypediatrics.modernmedicine.com/contemporary-
pediatrics/news/affirming-gender-caring-gender-atypical-children-and-
adolescents?page=full>.
Mcleod, Saul. Simply Psychology. 2008. 2017
<https://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html>.