Corwin Maness

March 12, 2017

EIP Rough Draft

Military service men and women undergo immense stress while deployed overseas,

which can complicate things when they get back home. The stressful situations that they are in

can make them mentally unstable and can impair their judgement or how they function in

society. Many people think that there is no hope for these once warriors, but there are certain

ways that they can find help and many of those things come from themselves with little or no

outside help. There are many professionals who know how to help these people in need and have Commented [ts1]: This sentence seems kind of random
and discontinuous to the rest of your introduction.
ways that can help them. Commented [ts2]: I would try to add another sentence
after this one, it just seems to cut off right here.

Overseas and even in the United States, people in the military live a stressful life. They

are pushed past their limits and can witness some intense things, like combat or a firefight for

example. Combat is a huge stressor because it demands split second decisions on a life or death

level. Such things, when happening repeatedly, can have a huge impact on the mind and a

persons wellbeing. According to mentalhealthamerica.net, such impacts can include difficulty

completing tasks, feeling powerless, difficulty sleeping, and alcohol and drug use. Reasons for

these things are due to mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder. Such things would

diminish a persons life and make it to where they cannot live to their fullest potential. This is a

problem because these people had once protected the country we live in and protected the

freedom of every citizen in it and now they are living a life that is less than optimal. But there are

things that can be done to help these people.

 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short, is a mental disorder that impacts

approximately twenty-four million people in the United States. It is common when someone

experiences something traumatic in the past. For military service men and women, that stress is

called Combat/Operational stress, or COS. The things they experience every day are sometimes

not easy and as a result, they can develop PTSD later in life. If COS is seen early on, then a

person can get treated and is less likely to develop PTSD. But often times PTSD is something

that is seen later down the road in symptoms such as flashbacks and nightmares.

At first help is as close as the veteran themselves. Accepting the fact that they need help

is a great start to making progress. This way they are not shutting out any other help that is

already there available for them, such as family and friends. These are also great resources for

help. These two groups are usually a persons biggest support group. Not only do they know the

person like no one else, the veteran also feels comfortable around them, making it easier to

communicate their problems with them. Another good way to help heal socially is through

support groups. There are many groups, actual groups that meet or through online chatrooms,

that are for military service men and women who are going through their same things as others

or have already conquered their mental disorders or problems. Having a good social sphere is

key when dealing with mental disorders because it will help people not feel alone.

Substance is another key topic when dealing with mental disorders. People use alcohol

and drugs as an escape from reality and an escape from their problems. But this is only a

temporary fix and does not actually solve any of the mental issues, and depending on the type of

drug, could actually make things worse. Cutting harmful substances like this out of ones life

could benefit them, not only because these things are rough on the body, but also because it can

clear your mind and can help you focus on the steps that can help your mental health. Also, drug
addiction is just another mental disorder that a PTSD patient does not want on their plate.

Physical health is another thing that comes into play when thinking about mental disorders. A

person may lose hope and be discouraged when their mind is not at one hundred percent. Taking

care of your body and eating right can help someone get back into the swing of things.

Looking towards a higher power spiritually is something that may also help some PTSD

patients. When a person feels like they do not have anyone else to reach out to, this could help

them find someone and something. Not only does religion give some people a purpose and helps

explain life and what it means to them. Also, religion usually comes with a community of people

around it. These people could become a positive group of people and could help them cope with

their stress and could even help to fix it. Oftentimes, a person loses hope when they are facing

such a debilitating metal disorder, so religion could give them back the hope they had before this

illness or could at least give them hope.

Finding a hobby is another way to find a purpose. Once a person finds what they are

passionate about, they can put their time into it. Since their time would be spent preoccupied

with the hobby, they would not be focused on the stress they experienced. The hobby is a way to

get a persons mind to stop thinking about certain things by replacing the time they would not be

doing anything with something that makes them happy. Self-happiness is something that is very

important when dealing with PTSD because sometimes the person does not feel happiness much

anymore because of the disorder.

Another thing that combat veterans need to remember is that they are not alone. There are

people that have gone through similar experiences and have the same disorder. There are support

groups made just for people with these kinds of problems. If they are feeling uneasy about
finding help, then it may be easier to talk to someone who actually understands the context of the

stress firsthand.

One of the most important steps to making progress with PTSD is acceptance. Once a

person has accepted that they have a mental disorder and that they cannot do this on their own,

progress can be made easier. This makes all the aforementioned ways for help easier to

accomplish because the person knows that they have an issue and need help. This also makes it

easier for a person to get psychiatric help, which is most likely the fastest way to get someone

back to their normal way of living. This is because there are trained professionals who know

exactly what is wrong with these people and can support them in the most beneficial way. After

some treatment, a person should be able to live a full live again.

 Reviewer: William Sutton
Comments
Highlights correspond to highlights in questions with same color.

1) Introduction
a. Locate the five rhetorical tasks
i. Issue, topic, or problem identified [task 1]
ii. Outlined/described that problem for the audience [task 2]
iii. Contextualized problem by entering the conversation of prominent voices [task 3]
iv. Thesis (claim + reasoning) [task 4]
v. Preview the kinds of evidence / analysis thatll be employed in addressing problem [task 5]
b. Intro (Tasks# 1 - 3 above). How well does the writer contextualize the issue for the reader?
Does the way the context is developed raise any questions for you, if so list them out below? (Too broad?
Vague? Setup like a war?, etc)
- ITs not really to the point in saying what he wants the reader to get
out of the paper. The thesis statement seems disjoint in which its hard
to tell what you plan on writing about. Try to focus more on stating
the problem with post service situations.
c. Intro (Tasks# 1 - 3 above) To what extent does the introduction come across as both
1) knowledgeable of the core povs or positions at tension and 2) indicate where this paper positions itself
in that range?
- The introduction doesnt quite seem knowledgeable on to taking the
position that you want to take or the tension. Rather its more of just
stating the background of the basic topic.
d. Locate the thesis, then circle the claim and underline the reasoning parts of the sentence.
Evaluate the strength of the thesis parts. Is the claim and proposed reasoning something that the scope one
essay could support with sufficient and appropriate evidence?
. What kind of evidence will be necessary for the essays reasoning
- This essay would need evidence of actual accounts of people who used to
serve in the military and the actual records of events that happen to them
post service. As well as plenty of background information on the specific
types of post traumatic events such as PTSD that he talks about later in
the paper.
e. Based on what you see in the intro, what do you think is the exigency and purpose
(hoped for outcome/response from audience) of the essay?
- I believe the exigency is that post service military people are not being
treated or respected s they should be.
f. Intro Commentary . Offer one or two suggestions about the (strategic, conceptual or
stylistic) introductory set-up and how to improve on it.
- Start off with stating the basic background information and then
go into how you planning talking about that information. Or talk
about/ create a thesis that states which of these post service events
you plan on talking about and briefly state your conclusion for each.
- Focus more on your transitions rather than information.
2) Essay Development
a. Paragraphing. Locate each body paragraphs main idea, or label/no. them in order of interest to
you.
- PTSD
 - Support
- Hobby
- Passion
b. Comment here and mark on page: Which paragraph idea(s) could be explained or supported more
fully? Which main or supporting points do you have questions or concerns about? Perhaps it is a
gap in the logic or an interesting but not fully explored claim. Indicate where and why you think a
section is succeeding or underperforming.
- I think that the PTSD paragraph can be expanded upon. You could go
into how exactly PTSD effects the body, such as what happens to a
person when they have something happen to them that triggers it. What
does it mean exactly to have PTSD?
c. Paragraph Commentary. Body paragraphs should be related to the reasoning put forward in the
thesis. Review the essays development of support & reasoning at the paragraph level, then either ask
critical questions or offer suggestions. Overall, as reader you are scrutinizing the relationship between the
quality and method of support and the thesis claim.
- I just cant completely tell what the thesis is exactly
d. Citing sources. If the research is incorrectly cited (In-text or Works cited) or not well set-
up, highlight them and bring to writers attention. Owl Purdue Citations Available here.
- I believe that the citations looks somewhat alright as to what I can tell,
However I Am not sure about the using multiple names in the final
citation. Also need to have the publication place, date, and how you
accessed it (print, web, etc.)
e. The rhetorical stance & They Say. Which words or phrases in the draft indicate the values the
writer holds with regard to this topic? How does the writer identify and distinguish his/her position in
relation to other prominent voices? To what extent does the writer engage with outside voices, They
Says, opposing viewpoints, naysayers?
- In the introduction you say these once warriors, this in of itself
kind of immediately tells the reader exactly which stance you plan
on taking on the subject. For it shows a sense of Pride and
Empathy. Of which the reader can easily pick up on.
3) Explain what you thought worked best in this essay. What do you admire and find compelling? Be
specific.
- I think the body of your essay is the strongest part as of now. I think
that with the given information you have and how you approach what people can do with trying to better
or help themselves allows you to better convey your message. (However I think you can combine of the
body paragraphs and add a little bit more information in each.)
4) Offer one or two final significant suggestions: If possible, offer one suggestion based on a set of
specific details within the essay and the other suggestion based on global/overarching considerations.
- Work on the thesis statement a little bit more, try to get it to flow
more easily to the rest of the paper rather than leaving a big split in thought processes.
- Again, just try to blend your paragraphs together a little bit, as of
now they seem just a little disjoint and kind of randomly selected topics within the main topic
kind of noted in each paragraph.

Works Cited
Bray, M Robert, Camlin, S. Carol, Raibank, A. John, Dunteman, H. George, Wheeless, C. Sara.

The Effects of Stress on Job Functioning of Military Men and Women.

NCBI. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2883251. Mar, 12, 2017

Web.

Coping with War-Related Stress: Information for Military Families and Communities

Mental Health America. http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/coping-war-

related-stress-information-military-families-and-communities. Mar. 12, 2017.

Web.

Military The American Institute of Stress. https://www.stress.org/military/. Mar. 12, 2017.

Web.

PTSD Statistics PTSD United. http://www.ptsdunited.org/ptsd-statistics-2/. Mar. 12, 2017

Web.