8WaysYouCanSurviveAndThriveInMidlife

npr.org /2016/03/17/469822644/8waysyoucansurviveandthriveinmidlife

Onesecrettomidlifehappinessisbeingarookieatsomething.Tryingnewthingsandfailingkeepsyourobust.

retrorocket/GettyImages

Aftertwoyearsofresearchandmorethan400interviewsaboutmidlife,formerNPRreporterBarbBradleyHagertyreceiveddozensofinsightsabouthowtolivewellin
themiddleyears.We'vedistilledthemhere,withalittlecontext.And,bytheway,theseideasworkwellforpeopleonbothsidesofthemidlifedivide.

1.Aimforlongtermmeaningratherthanshorttermhappiness,andyouwilllikelyfindboth.Aristotlesuggestedasmuchwhenhetalkedabouteudaemonia,or
thegoodlife:strivingwithapurposeraisingterrificchildren,trainingforamarathonratherthansettingyoursightsonimmediatepleasures,suchasenjoyingagood
mealoradayatthebeach.It'salsothebestthingyoucandoforyourmindandyourhealth.

2.Choosewhatmattersmost.ClaytonChristensenatHarvardBusinessSchooldescribestheerodingeffectofshorttermdecisionsspecifically,doingtheactivity
thatbringsyouimmediategratification(suchaswork)andputtingoffharderbutultimatelymorefulfillingactivities(suchasinvestinginyourmarriageandchildren).I
talkedwithmanypeoplewhoprivilegedworkoverfamilybecauseworkbroughtimmediaterewards.Thesepeopleclosedthesale,theyshippedtheproduct,theypulled
anallnightertogetthestoryontheradio,theywerepromotedandpraisedforajobwelldone."Andasaconsequence,"Christensensays,"peoplelikeyouandmewho
plantohaveahappylifebecauseourfamiliestrulyarethedeepestsourceofhappinessfindthatalthoughthat'swhatwewant,thewayweinvestourtimeand
energyandtalentscausesustoimplementastrategythatwewouldn'tatallplantopursue."

3.Leanintofear,notboredom.Mostofusbecomecompetentatourworkbyour40s,andthenwehaveachoice:Playitsafeortakearisk.HowardStevenson,alsoa
professor(emeritus)atHarvardBusinessSchool,believesthegreatestsourceofunhappinessinworkisriskaversionwhichleadstostagnationandresentment.
"There'sadifferencebetween20yearsofexperience,andoneyearofexperience20times,"hesays.StevensonandtheothercareerexpertsIintervieweddonot
recommendchuckingitalltoblindlyfollowafantasy.Rather,beintentionalasyoutrytoshapeyourworktoreflectyourskills,personalityandtalents.Butwehaveonly
onespinatthewheel,somakeitcount.AgreatlinefromStevenson:"Askyourselfregularly:HowwillIusethesegloriousdayslefttomeforthebestpurpose?"

4."Ateverystageoflife,youshouldbearookieatsomething."ThisinsightcomesfromChrisDionigi,aPh.D.in"weedscience"andthedeputydirectorofthe
NationalInvasiveSpeciesCouncil(thatkindofweed).Hebelievestryingnewthingsandfailingkeepsyourobust.Hetookcomedyimprovclassesandnowspendsmany
nightsandweekendsridinghisbicycleasanauxiliarypoliceofficerforArlingtonCounty,Va.Alwayshavesomethingnewandchallenginginyourlife,hesays,"andifthat
somethingisofservicetopeopleandthingsyoucareabout,youcanleadanextraordinarylife."

BarbBradleyHagertyfinishesthe10KraceintheSeniorGames.Threeyearsearlier,shehadtroublewalkingupaflightofstairs.

EricTodd/CourtesyofBarbaraBradleyHagerty

5.Addpunctuationtoyourlife.Youngadulthoodoffersplentyofmilestones:graduatingfromcollege,startingacareer,gettingmarried,havingyourfirstchild.But
CatharineUtzschneider,aprofessorattheBostonCollegeSportsLeadershipCenterwhotrainselitemiddleagedathletes,saysmidlifeislike"abookwithoutany
structure,withoutsentences,periods,commas,paragraphs,chapters,withnopunctuation.Goalsforceustothinkdeliberately."Shewassoright,asIfoundwhenMike
Adsit,afourtimecancersurvivorandcompetitivecyclist,challengedmetocompeteintheSeniorGames(forpeople50andolder)in2015.SuddenlyIhadlittlegoals
everydayafastertrainingsession,ora50milerideandtheprospectoftheselittlevictorieslaunchedmeoutofbedeachmorning.Evenifyoudon'twinIcame
inseventhintheraceyouwin.

6.Afewsetbacksarejustwhatthedoctorordered.Badeventsseemtoclusterinmidlifelosingaspouse,amarriage,aparent,yourjob,yourperfecthealth.But
peoplewithcharmedliveszerotraumaswereunhappierandmoreeasilydistressedthanpeoplewhohadsufferedafewnegativeeventsintheirlifetime.According
toresilienceresearch,somesetbacksgiveyouperspectiveandhelpyoubounceback.Andhere'swhatIlearnedfromKarenReivichattheUniversityofPennsylvania,
whotrainsArmypersonnelaboutresilience.AfterIfelloffmybikeandbrokemycollarbonethreateningmybookdeadlineIcalledherup.Shegavemetwotricks:
First,"OPM":Otherpeoplematter.Peoplewholetotherpeoplehelpthemtendtorecoverbetterthanthosewhoarefiercelyindependent.Second,relyonyourtop
characterstrengthstogetyouthrough.(YoucantakethecharacterstrengthstestaswellasotherquestionnairesontheUniversityofPennsylvania'swebsite.)As
embarrassingasmystrengthsareindustryandgratitudetheyhelpedmecopeuntilIcoulddrive,type,drymyhairorunscrewthemayojar.

7.Payattention:Twoofthebiggestthreatstoaseasonedmarriageareboredomandmutualneglect.Thebrainlovesnovelty,andloveresearcherssayasure
waytoreviveamarriageonautopilot,atleasttemporarily,istomixthingsupabit.Gohiking,takeatriptoanundiscoveredlandordriveanRVdowntheBlueRidge
Parkway,whichmyhusbandandIdidinJune2013.Honestly,Ithoughtnothingcouldbemorepointlessorboring,butbasedonthenoveltyresearch,wepiledinwithour
dog,SandraDay,andtwofriends.Somethingwentwrongalmosteverydaywegotcaughtinaflood,thebrakesnearlywentout,wecouldnotfigureouthowtodump
theblackwater(don'task)forsometime.Wehadthetimeofourlives.Ittookusoutofourcomfortzone,itgaveusagrandadventureitwas,inshort,TheBestVacation
Ever.

BarbandDevinHagertynavigatedowntheBlueRidgeParkwayinanRV.Noveltygivesziptomidlifemarriage.

CourtesyofJackKolpen

8.Happinessislove.Fullstop.ThisobservedwisdomcomesfromGeorgeVaillant,apsychiatristandresearcherwhodirectedHarvard'sStudyofAdultDevelopment
forseveraldecades.ThestudystillongoingfollowedmenfromtheHarvardclassesof193944toseewhatmakespeopleflourishoveralifetime.Vaillantfoundthat
thesecrettoasuccessfulandhappylifeisnotbiology.Itisnotgenes.Itisnotsocialprivilegeoreducation.ItisnotIQorevenfamilyupbringing.Thesecrettothrivingis
warmrelationships.Oh,thenthere'sthishappycoda:Secondchancespresentthemselvesallthetime,ifyou'llonlykeepyoureyesopen.

BarbaraBradleyHagertyistheauthorofLifeReimagined,andaformerNPRreporter.

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