Can Sadomasochistic Relationships Be Moral or Ethical?

Emma Eaton

Dallas-Center Grimes High School

 Safe, sane and consensual. This phrase is used far and

wide by those within the sadomasochistic to describe the

relationship between two adults that may involve some

violent or potentially stressful scenes in the bedroom. Though

many people want to keep kinks such as BDSM - bondage,

dominance, submission, and masochism - sadomasochism, or

any other abnormal antics behind closed doors, they are

being brought to the light with one question in mind: is a

relationship where violence or degrading behavior is

common-place with sex a healthy and safe one? The question

is seen as black and white, with most people saying a

relationship like that isnt a healthy one, but the answer is

more complex than just that. There are several stages a

person has to take into consideration when discussing violent

or sadomasochistic kinks that are critical for people, even

those not in the relationship, to understand.

The first things to understand about a sadomasochistic

relationship is that, for it to truly be a relationship, both

parties must be fully consenting within each scene they act

out - a scene being a potentially stressful or violent act in the

bedroom - when the scene ends, it truly ends, and that they

are safe outside of the scene. In his 2003 book,

Sadomasochistic Perversion: The Entity and the Theories,

Franco De Masi says that the submissive partner must

acknowledge the wants of the dominant partner, while the

dominant partner must understand the limits of the

submissive partner. This dynamic can be fragile and people

within the community will agree that it is not difficult to cross

the line if a person is inexperienced or does not understand

how the relationship should work. Most couples will put a safe

word into play. A safe word is a designated word or phrase

used by either partner that will end the scene right away to

allow either of them to recover from the scene and the

distress it had caused them. This is a very important part of

the relationship because it lets both people know if the scene

has gone too far and when they need to stop. The safe word

sets that safe balance for both partners to follow and for the

relationship to exist in without being unheard or ignored.

After the scene has ended, either naturally or by use of the

safe word, aftercare is a vital step of a relationship with

sadomasochistic traits. Aftercare is when the person who was

put through the stressful scene - usually the submissive

partner - is cared for by the other person. There are a variety

of ways to go about aftercare: taking a bath or shower, eating

their favorite foods, watching a show they like, listening to

music they like, and applying lotion or aloe to any strained

areas that may have been affected - such as wrists if a

partner was bound, or the backside if spanking was done

beforehand. This lets the partner who went through the

submissive scene be assured that the other partner knows

the difference between their acted scenes and the real world.

And those not involved in sadomasochism or any of its

subcultures should understand that sadomasochism does not

automatically equate to a person liking to cause or receive

pain. There are a variety of methods relationships can use

that would not fall under the umbrella of violence. Bondage is

a form that does not mean a person is in pain, though it can,

and is a somewhat common form of sadomasochism. There

are others such as contact play, where the partner plays with

where, when, and how they will touch their other partner and

temperature or texture play, where they will use objects like

ice cubes, hot wax, or textured objects while one partner is

blindfolded. These aspects of the sadomasochistic

community do not play into the common misunderstanding

that all sadomasochistic relationships have violence, but are

often ignored as a result of people not believing they fall

under that umbrella or not knowing about them well enough.

Many people would argue that a relationship with any

kind of violence is an abusive one, and it is not hard to tell

why people think that. However, there is an important

difference to be drawn between abuse and sadomasochism.

As said by Neel Burton in his article: While sadomasochists

seek out pain and humiliation in the context of love and sex,

they do not do so in other situations and dislike simple,

unfettered violence or abuse as much as the next person. A

person involved in a sadomasochistic relationship does not

often seek violence outside of the bedroom. Sadomasochists

are not psychopaths and they understand the difference

between right and wrong. Other people, even if they

understand that, may argue other things. Such as the safe

word being a false sense of hope that the abuse will end.

And, yes, if a partner does ignore a safe word, then it is abuse

and could even be classified as rape, but then it is not a

sadomasochistic relationship any longer: it becomes an

abusive relationship if the line is crossed, crossed knowingly,

and not acknowledged. Others yet may say that the aftercare

is similar to the cycle of abuse, where the partner claims that

it will not happen again. However, sadomasochists do not say

that. If two people are in a sadomasochist relationship, then

they would want the scene to repeat. The aftercare is simply

making sure the physical strain of the scene is tended to and

making sure both parties are okay, which is vastly different

than the cycle of abuse.

All in all, there is a right and a wrong way to do

sadomasochistic relationships, some more moral than others.

If an inexperienced couple were to try this and it turned out

wrong, then it would be a mistake on their part, but it is

difficult to call something like that immoral. Sadomasochists

do not teeter on the edge of morally acceptable because

people in relationships with consensual violence know when

to stop. An abuser will not stop, regardless of who their

partner or abused is to them. The morals of a sadomasochist

relationship is set out in stone: both parties must consent, a

safe word or action should be put into place, and aftercare

should always be given. Thus the phrase safe, sane, and

consensual.
 References

Masi, Franco De. Sadomasochistic Perversion: The Entity and

the Theories. London: Karnac, 2003. Print.

Burton, Neel. "The Psychology of Sadomasochism."

Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, 17 Aug. 2014. Web. 21

Apr. 2017.