A: A failure.

"Aah... yes, And how does madam wish to pay?"

absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.
A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
Advancement in position.
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
A is for Apple.
A: "Is there a dog?"
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
A: Mu.
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
an eye on the two intellectuals.
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
"A--? Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I
A: One leg is both the same.
A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
A: Open other end.
are not the person involved.
Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
argument.
as if she laid an asteroid.
Ask somebody something.
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
A: The tame way!
A: Things.
A: Things.
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
A: To stamp out forest fires.
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
A: Unique up on it!
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if
bad fiction contest.
bad fiction contest.
beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That's not a line, she
beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
be better."
be better."
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
be sold.
be sold.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
between a mermaid and a seal.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
-- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
career.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that -- don't
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
compatible?"
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
Damn it, this is not a substantial haiku.
-- Dave Barry
December, August, and February.
Do be do be do.
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone
down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are!
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
existentialist?"
female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick,
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
get used to it.
give a public reading of his latest poem.
give a public reading of his latest poem.
"Good afternoon. I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."
"Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?"
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
got to do the fitting for that! Ha -- just my little joke. And
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
have a lucky day this year.
have a lucky day this year.
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his
heel.
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
-- Hester Pryne
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
-- Hunter S. Thompson
-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
if they are dead.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
"I'll take the special."
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
in 1959.
in 1959.
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I
in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
in reading it at all.
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
it can still be changed today.
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
It was all so different before everything changed.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
lawyer, and believes in social causes?
lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there's the *special*
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
life in such a mess.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Look at that, isn't it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
major world power.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
-- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn"
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
metal objects which are not fastened down.
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam
misinterpreted by somebody.
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
nature and will kill you.
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
-- Nietzsche
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of
no recoil. Because it's shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun,
novel.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
October.
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
officials have gone by.
of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
of the way.
Oh, and have a nice day!
Oh wait,
Ok, here is a fun and short dump of fortune phrases:
one-forty-nine."
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
-- Oscar Wilde
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
possess.
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
put him at the head of the procession.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Questionable day.
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
Q: What do monsters drink?
Q: What do monsters drink?
Q: What do monsters eat?
Q: What do monsters eat?
Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes?
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
really has. Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
really worth having.
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
referring to powerfail recovery.]
Reply hazy, ask again later.
rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is
rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what
-- Sartre
say they have a right to. But I think... I might... Let's have a look
school boards.
-- Shakespeare
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
She slapped her credit card on the counter. "Eventually."
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
-- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
-- Sinatra
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
Snow Day -- stay home.
"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice. Now, do--?"
soup in a plate?
So you're back... about time...
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that
struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.
than someone who hasn't.
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June,
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
the useful ones.
This haiku is mine
This is a haiku
this is not a haiku
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
*thousands* of words to say it.
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
To be is to do.
To be or not to be.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is what happened to yesterday.
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
To do is to be.
to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories,
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
turn."
turn."
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
very thin paper.
-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
week sometimes to make it up.
week sometimes to make it up.
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
-- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more.
Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and
-- Wm. Shakespeare
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat? Feel how light it is?
would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
Your business will assume vast proportions.
you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will wish you hadn't.
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.