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Alright. I'm going to show you a couple of images from a very

diverting paper in The Journal of Ultrasound in Medicine. I'm
going to go way out on a limb and say that it is the most
diverting paper ever published in The Journal of Ultrasound
in Medicine. The title is "Observations of In-Utero
Masturbation."

Okay. Now on the left you can see the hand that's the big
arrow and the penis on the right. The hand hovering. And
over here we have, in the words of radiologist Israel Meisner,
"The hand grasping the penis in a fashion resembling
masturbation movements." Bear in mind this was an
ultrasound, so it would have been moving images.

Orgasm is a reflex of the autonomic nervous system. Now,

this is the part of the nervous system that deals with the
things that we don't consciously control, like digestion, heart
rate and sexual arousal. And the orgasm reflex can be
triggered by a surprisingly broad range of input. Genital
stimulation. Duh. But also, Kinsey interviewed a woman who
could be brought to orgasm by having someone stroke her
eyebrow. People with spinal cord injuries, like paraplegias,
quadriplegias, will often develop a very, very sensitive area
right above the level of their injury, wherever that is. There is
such a thing as a knee orgasm in the literature.
I think the most curious one that I came across was a case
report of a woman who had an orgasm every time she
brushed her teeth.

Something in the complex sensory-motor action of brushing

her teeth was triggering orgasm. And she went to a
neurologist, who was fascinated. He checked to see if it was
something in the toothpaste, but no it happened with any
brand. They stimulated her gums with a toothpick, to see if
that was doing it. No. It was the whole, you know, motion.
And the amazing thing to me is that you would think this
woman would have excellent oral hygiene.

Sadly this is what it said in the journal paper "She

believed that she was possessed by demons and switched
to mouthwash for her oral care." It's so sad.

When I was working on the book, I interviewed a woman who

can think herself to orgasm. She was part of a study at
Rutgers University. You've got to love that. Rutgers. So I
interviewed her in Oakland, in a sushi restaurant. And I said,
"So, could you do it right here?" And she said, "Yeah, but you
know I'd rather finish my meal if you don't mind."

But afterwards, she was kind enough to demonstrate on a

bench outside. It was remarkable. It took about one minute.
And I said to her, "Are you just doing this all the time?"

She said, "No. Honestly, when I get home, I'm usually too
tired."
She said that the last time she had done it was on the
Disneyland tram.

The headquarters for orgasm, along the spinal nerve, is

something called the sacral nerve root, which is back here.
And if you trigger, if you stimulate with an electrode, the
precise spot, you will trigger an orgasm. And it is a fact that
you can trigger spinal reflexes in dead people a certain
kind of dead person, a beating-heart cadaver. Now this is
somebody who is brain-dead, legally dead, definitely
checked out, but is being kept alive on a respirator, so that
their organs will be oxygenated for transplantation. Now in
one of these brain-dead people, if you trigger the right spot,
you will see something every now and then. There is a reflex
called the Lazarus reflex. And this is I'll demonstrate as
best I can, not being dead. It's like this. You trigger the spot.
The dead guy, or gal, goes... like that. Very unsettling for
people working in pathology labs.

Now, if you can trigger the Lazarus reflex in a dead person,

why not the orgasm reflex? I asked this question to a brain
death expert, Stephanie Mann, who was foolish enough to
return my emails.

I said, "So, could you conceivably trigger an orgasm in a

dead person?" She said, "Yes, if the sacral nerve is being
oxygenated, you conceivably could." Obviously it wouldn't be
as much fun for the person. But it would be an orgasm

nonetheless.
There is a researcher at the University of Alabama who does
orgasm research. I said to her, "You should do an
experiment. You know? You can get cadavers if you work at
a university." I said, "You should actually do this." She said,
"You get the human subjects review board approval for this
one."

According to 1930s marriage manual author, Theodoor van

De Velde, a slight seminal odor can be detected on the
breath of a woman within about an hour after sexual
intercourse. Theodoor van De Velde was something of a
semen connoisseur.

This is a guy writing a book, "Ideal Marriage," you know. Very

heavy hetero guy. But he wrote in this book, "Ideal Marriage"
he said that he could differentiate between the semen of
a young man, which he said had a fresh, exhilarating smell,
and the semen of mature men, whose semen smelled, quote,
"Remarkably like that of the flowers of the Spanish chestnut.
Sometimes quite freshly floral, and then again sometimes
extremely pungent."

Okay. In 1999, in the state of Israel, a man began hiccupping.

And this was one of those cases that went on and on. He
tried everything his friends suggested. Nothing seemed to
help. Days went by. At a certain point, the man, still
hiccupping, had sex with his wife. And lo and behold, the
hiccups went away. He told his doctor, who published a case
report in a Canadian medical journal under the title, "Sexual
Intercourse as a Potential Treatment for Intractable Hiccups."
I love this article because at a certain point they suggested
that unattached hiccuppers could try masturbation.

I love that because there is like a whole demographic:

unattached hiccuppers.

Married, single, unattached hiccupper. In the 1900s, early

1900s, a lot of gynecologists believed that when a woman
has an orgasm, the contractions serve to suck the semen up
through the cervix and sort of deliver it really quickly to the
egg, thereby upping the odds of conception. It was called the
"upsuck" theory.

If you go all the way back to Hippocrates, physicians believed

that orgasm in women was not just helpful for conception, but
necessary. Doctors back then were routinely telling men the
importance of pleasuring their wives. Marriage-manual
author and semen-sniffer Theodoor van De Velde

has a line in his book. I loved this guy. I got a lot of mileage
out of Theodoor van De Velde. He had this line in his book
that supposedly comes from the Habsburg Monarchy, where
there was an empress Maria Theresa, who was having
trouble conceiving. And apparently the royal court physician
said to her, "I am of the opinion that the vulva of your most
sacred majesty be titillated for some time prior to
intercourse."

It's apparently, I don't know, on the record somewhere.

Masters and Johnson: now we're moving forward to the
1950s. Masters and Johnson were upsuck skeptics, which is
also really fun to say. They didn't buy it. And they decided,
being Masters and Johnson, that they would get to the
bottom of it. They brought women into the lab I think it was
five women and outfitted them with cervical caps
containing artificial semen. And in the artificial semen was a
radio-opaque substance, such that it would show up on an
X-ray. This is the 1950s. Anyway, these women sat in front
of an X-ray device. And they masturbated. And Masters and
Johnson looked to see if the semen was being sucked up.
Did not find any evidence of upsuck. You may be wondering,
"How do you make artificial semen?"

I have an answer for you. I have two answers. You can use
flour and water, or cornstarch and water. I actually found
three separate recipes in the literature.

My favorite being the one that says you know, they have
the ingredients listed, and then in a recipe it will say, for
example, "Yield: two dozen cupcakes." This one said, "Yield:
one ejaculate."

There's another way that orgasm might boost fertility. This

one involves men. Sperm that sit around in the body for a
week or more start to develop abnormalities that make them
less effective at head-banging their way into the egg. British
sexologist Roy Levin has speculated that this is perhaps why
men evolved to be such enthusiastic and frequent
masturbators. He said, "If I keep tossing myself off I get fresh
sperm being made." Which I thought was an interesting idea,
theory. So now you have an evolutionary excuse.
Okay.

All righty. There is considerable evidence for upsuck in the

animal kingdom pigs, for instance. In Denmark, the Danish
National Committee for Pig Production found out that if you
sexually stimulate a sow while you artificially inseminate her,
you will see a six-percent increase in the farrowing rate,
which is the number of piglets produced. So they came up
with this five-point stimulation plan for the sows. There is
posters they put in the barn, and they have a DVD. And I got
a copy of this DVD.

This is my unveiling, because I am going to show you a clip.

So, okay. Now, here we go, la la la, off to work. It all looks
very innocent. He's going to be doing things with his hands
that the boar would use his snout, lacking hands. Okay.

This is it. The boar has a very odd courtship repertoire.

This is to mimic the weight of the boar.

You should know, the clitoris of the pig is inside the vagina.
So this may be sort of titillating for her. Here we go.

And the happy result.

I love this video. There is a point in this video, towards the
beginning, where they zoom in for a close up of his hand with
his wedding ring, as if to say, "It's okay, it's just his job. He
really does like women."

Okay. When I was in Denmark, my host was named Anne

Marie. And I said, "So why don't you just stimulate the clitoris
of the pig? Why don't you have the farmers do that? That's
not one of your five steps." I have to read you what she said,
because I love it. She said, "It was a big hurdle just to get
farmers to touch underneath the vulva. So we thought, let's
not mention the clitoris right now."

Shy but ambitious pig farmers, however, can purchase a

this is true a sow vibrator, that hangs on the sperm feeder
tube to vibrate. Because, as I mentioned, the clitoris is inside
the vagina. So possibly, you know, a little more arousing than
it looks. And I also said to her, "Now, these sows. I mean,
you may have noticed there. The sow doesn't look to be in
the throes of ecstasy." And she said, you can't make that
conclusion, because animals don't register pain or pleasure
on their faces in the same way that we do. Pigs, for example,
are more like dogs. They use the upper half of the face; the
ears are very expressive. So you're not really sure what's
going on with the pig.

Primates, on the other hand, we use our mouths more. This

is the ejaculation face of the stump-tailed macaque.

And, interestingly, this has been observed in female

macaques, but only when mounting another female.
Masters and Johnson. In the 1950s, they decided, okay,
we're going to figure out the entire human sexual response
cycle, from arousal, all the way through orgasm, in men and
women everything that happens in the human body. Okay,
with women, a lot of this is happening inside. This did not
stop Masters and Johnson. They developed an artificial
coition machine. This is basically a penis camera on a motor.
There is a phallus, clear acrylic phallus, with a camera and a
light source, attached to a motor that is kind of going like this.
And the woman would have sex with it. That is what they
would do. Pretty amazing. Sadly, this device has been
dismantled. This just kills me, not because I wanted to use it
I wanted to see it.

One fine day, Alfred Kinsey decided to calculate the average

distance traveled by ejaculated semen. This was not idle
curiosity. Doctor Kinsey had heard and there was a theory
going around at the time, this being the 1940s that the
force with which semen is thrown against the cervix was a
factor in fertility. Kinsey thought it was bunk, so he got to
work. He got together in his lab 300 men, a measuring tape,
and a movie camera.

And in fact, he found that in three quarters of the men the

stuff just kind of slopped out. It wasn't spurted or thrown or
ejected under great force. However, the record holder landed
just shy of the eight-foot mark, which is impressive.

Yes. Exactly.
Sadly, he's anonymous. His name is not mentioned.

In his write-up of this experiment in his book, Kinsey wrote,

"Two sheets were laid down to protect the oriental carpets."

Which is my second favorite line in the entire oeuvre of Alfred

Kinsey. My favorite being, "Cheese crumbs spread before a
pair of copulating rats will distract the female, but not the
male."

Thank you very much.

Thanks!