A STRONG SENSE OF DUTY IMPRISONS YOU - ACT 1 // VOL 1

There can be nothing worse than being left behind. It makes far more sense to throw oneself halfheartedly into
obligations than stay immobile.

I wrote these words in March 2012. At that point in my life, I was a high school athlete on

the cusp of amateur greatness. Like many of my contemporaries, I was bright eyed and dead

set on heading to college the following year. However, I knew that my family did not have the

finances to send me to a community college, let alone the four year university I dreamt of. I felt

like I needed a college education, not only to improve my vocational opportunities but because I

thought of myself as deserving. For me, staying behind was out of the question. I just wouldnt

be able to thrive in my hometown and I had no idea what Id do with myself if I didnt move far

away for college.

I had known that my running ability might serve as a vehicle for higher education the day

I won my first frosh-soph race in 9th grade. At that time, I was so intoxicated by the possibilities

and the sport of track and field that I let my grades decline. I was going to college, to hell with

Algebra II. But as those four short years bled away, I began to realize that long distance running

hurts- my initial excitement stemmed more from victory than the grueling sport itself. I bounced

from injury to comeback for four years, missing parties, weddings, exams, and days at the

beach to assure Id make it to practice. By my senior year, I was at a breaking point. I wanted to

walk away from track.

But on a bright California morning in May, I threw trepidation to the wind and ran a 15:09

at the CA state meet, coming in 2nd place. Id punched my ticket, the scholarship offers came

flooding in. Predictably, I completely disregarded the frustrations Id felt previously and took the

University of Washington up on a scholarship offer. A university was literally knocking at my

door with an offer. I was going to be a Husky, caution be damned.

***
 Life as a student athlete is much more akin to the stereotype than the utter tripe pushed

by the athletic department. I didnt receive any sort of guidance upon arriving to university- I

registered for classes the Sunday before the start of the school year despite living in Seattle for

a month before that. I suppose a 20 minute conversation about academics would get in the way

of our 70 mile-a-week training schedule. The classes I took that first quarter did nothing to

further my education, although that mightve been for the best. I was so exhausted from my

intrusive training schedule that if I were enrolled in higher-stakes classes, I wouldve severely

underperformed.

During my time on the track and field / cross country team, I would wake up at 0630 for

weights, shower, and be in class by 0830. I would move from class to class until 1230, with

practice starting at 1300. Practice ended at 1800, with dinner and team meetings lasting until at

least 1930. By the time I was back in my dorm room, it was 2000. Theres very little patience for

schoolwork at that point, so Id typically be in bed by 2100, to ready myself for the same barrage

the following day. Weekends were workouts on Saturday and 15 mile long runs on Sunday.

There was very little reprieve, as long distance running does not allow for any time off.

You must run almost every day, barring abject exhaustion and debilitating injury. The only

former teammates I know of that are graduating with competitive degrees were injured for

periods longer than a year- during that time, they had the opportunity to make education a

priority.

I frittered my first year at the UW away- I had no time to develop personally or socially.

One was expected to be with The Team at all times, any deviation was greatly suspect. It was

completely suffocating, as not only did I have very little in common with my compatriots but I

was expected to compete with them on the course. Long distance teams are really just loose

knit groups of individual competitors vying for dominance. Try being friends with your
competitive rivals. Plenty of opportunities will crop up wherein youll be tempted to sabotage

them.

My education during my two years on the long distance squad with a half-assed, half

asleep anxious stumble from one discipline to the next. At first I thought Id major in International

Relations- I dropped that because I felt I wouldnt make enough money to pay back my debt. I

attempted the prerequisites for construction management. Things were going well on that front

until I took COM 220. I had to submit a list of dates at the beginning of each quarter that Id miss

due to athletic obligations. I found I had been assigned to present a speech on a day Id be

racing, so I promptly emailed my professor to rectify the issue. The professor responded by

telling me that everyone has choices in life and that he couldnt accommodate my request to

switch dates. This was a month preceding the speech, mind you. I attended his office hours to

plead my case, only to be told that Id made the choice to be a student athlete and that Id have

to live with it.

Livid, I reached out to the athletic apartment for assistance. The two parties negotiated

and the following Monday, I was informed that Id be allowed to give the speech that Thursday

during office hours. For context, my speech was originally scheduled for 2 weeks later than that-

we hadnt even been lectured about the content the speech was supposed to encompass.

When I protested, I was told by the athletic department that I needed to stop wallowing. At this

point I was utterly distraught. I felt abandoned by the athletic department, friendless, and

scared. My running career had become veritable dead weight. I felt conned.

FEAR IS THE GREATEST INCAPACITATOR - ACT 2 // VOL 1

When I get home after studying in the library, I just sit on my bed and stare at the poster on my wall or roll out my

aching legs. But I don't seem to care! I constantly reiterate the belief that I, personally, have no way out of this hole
 I began Spring quarter of my freshman year facing a catch 22. I knew that I couldnt keep

running as it was standing squarely in the path of my educational success. I was completely

listless at this point; I had no idea what Id do as far as my major. If I quit the team, however, Id

be penalized with the full weight of my out of state tuition fee. Walking down that road would put

me over $100,000 in the hole come graduation. I had no idea what to do. I was too scared to

make a decision, so I stayed on the team.

Sophomore year is when youre expected to begin contributing on the long distance

team. I began the school year running around 80 miles a week after training very hard that

summer. I had also used the time to double down on my resolve: I was staying on the team and

I was going to find a fitting major, come hell or high water. Fall quarter started great. Id decided

to pursue architecture and was running faster than ever. My legs had never hurt more, but hey I

nothing was broken so I had to keep going. My traveling schedule brought me to Wisconsin,

Indiana, and back home to California. When I was racing in San Francisco, I had the chance to

see my best friend for exactly 3 and a quarter hours as she was attending school there. I hadnt

been home in a year: general turbulence at home plus my practice schedule had me up in

Seattle all that time.

Seeing her gave me a lot of strength but also inspired so much doubt. Why was I doing

this? Why sequester myself up north, in a city completely foreign, without friends or purpose? I

was just too paralyzed by fear to change my life. I could go home empty handed in defeat and

begin paying off my debt working at god knows where. Or I could go deeper and keep running. I

grappled with transferring schools but the responses I got from other coaches werent promising

and neither were the projected savings in tuition cost. I stayed on at UW despite a rough

showing at the end of cross country season, out of fear and anxiety.
 In hindsight, winter quarter marked the turning point of my university experience. I had

elected to apply for the Community, Environment, and Planning major and was experiencing a

lot of difficulty running due to an injury in my shin. I kept running on it, assured by the team

doctor that physical therapy would be all I needed to remain. But they were wrong. I broke my

leg. Stress fractures are a dime a dozen in long distance runners, but my coachs reaction was

a pretty atypical.

He told me that Id be allowed to stay on the team to recuperate but that he had to take

my scholarship money away until I recuperated. I was shocked. I had been silently begging for a

way out of my predicament, but I hadnt imagined my reprieve to be so cruel. I bellowed a

collection of choice obscenities and went on my way. All those months of being scared came to

a head in one glorious tirade. I walked out of his office with a spring in my step despite my

injury. My decision made for me, I entered unchartered waters. Dependence was my meal ticket

and I knew it. If I was to finish school, Id have to get pragmatic really fast.

FREEDOM IS WHAT YOU DO WITH WHATS BEEN DONE TO YOU - ACT 1 // VOL 2

I know the friendships Ive made this summer wont last: weve become too close, too fast, weve had more fun than

any balanced universe will allow. Ill always love these kids, even though I know the road ahead will likely be rocky.

Id never been employed before, running saw to that. The first thing I did when I walked

out of my coachs office was to begin looking for jobs. I was hired at Jimmy Johns as a bike

delivery courier around the same time I was accepted into CEP. Despite the heavy debt load the

next year would impose on me, I was ecstatic. Id never been more in control. I found biking to

be effective cross training while recuperating from the stress fracture. I knew Id run again but I

didnt know how sweet running for myself would feel. That summer I worked tirelessly, made
new friends, and ventured home. I felt reborn and ready to tackle the challenges of my new

major.

I had missed both days of orientation due to my own carelessness and was quick to

ingratiate myself with my classmates. My time in CEP 301 gave me the opportunity to make

friends on an intellectual basis, something Id never had the opportunity to do before. I was

talking to kids my age about philosophy outside of class; a dream come true. I began to make

really strong bonds with my classmates Payton, Ciera, Alex, Carlyn, and Jonathan. The CBE

happy hour each fortnight further reinforced these bonds. I was enjoying my classes and the

unique CEP structure really excited me- the experiential education was suited me perfectly.

I owe a lot of my educational experience to Mr. David Blum. I took my first studio with

him as the instructor in Winter of my junior year. My group mates and I were tasked with

creating a public health and property assessment of the South Park neighborhood for the City of

Seattle Office of Planning and Development. This was my first opportunity to apply my planning

education in creating a deliverable for a client. At first I was completely befuddled by the

ambiguous directives and the ever evolving objective given by the client. It was only by the final

two weeks of the quarter that I realized that this was the essence of public sector work-

adaptable and subject to the input of a wide range of not only supervisors but residents of the

subject municipality.

I was enthralled by the challenge and independence of autonomous project

development- as long as it was logical, my client was supportive. Ive worked in two more of

Davids studios since then, the deliverables Ive authored in his classes form the basis of my

design portfolio. Davids studios have been instrumental in my urban planning education

because they simulate the realities of the field while at the same time providing enough context

and feedback to guide decision making.

 Around the time Id started working with David, Id decided I needed to find another

manner of financing my education. I loved working as a bike messenger, but the pay barely

provided enough money to pay for rent and food, let alone tuition. I began the onboarding

process for the U.S. Army National Guard, a decision that took more internal debate than can

be accurately expressed in this essay. My life had really rebounded since leaving the long

distance team- Id made incredible friends and was enrolled in a major that was fascinating as

well as practical. I had even begun dating a really incredible boy named Troy, a first for me

since high school. Even my involvement in three separate bike collisions while on the job did

little to damper my mood. However, the spectre of my increasingly explosive student debt was

always gnawing at the edge of my mind. The only institution capable of bailing me out was the

Army.

I had vaguely entertained the idea of enlisting if my running career hadnt panned out.

Back then, my interest was that of desperation veiled by a one-dimensional patriotism. Now,

three years later, it was desperation veiled by optimistic pragmatism. And with my finances

taking precedence, I left for initial active duty training at Ft. Benning on March 29, 2016. I was

destined to become an enlisted artilleryman in the Washington National Guard.

INSANITY IS CONTAGIOUS - ACT 2 // VOL 2

I already look like a different person, what if Im beginning to act like another person as well?

The first day of boot camp was akin to being shot out of a cannon. There was simply no

time to react. Everything came with a penalty attached. Though it was all intentional, it didnt

stop me or the other guys from falling for the tricks and provocations of the drill sergeants. It was

so easy to get sucked into the world of mistrust, frustration, and near hopelessness. There were
moments of reprieve, usually late at night during fire guard. But just like any other situation,

people adapt. Things become less dire, outrageous threats lose their teeth. Even crawling

through knee deep mud in the pouring rain without complaint becomes second nature. Ignoring

is easy, missing out isnt. The worst part of boot camp wasnt the constant yelling or physical

exertion. It was not being able to run. It was getting letters from home and feeling stuck in time

when everyone else was getting internships, going on vacation, and enjoying normalcy. I

learned a lot about myself at Ft. Benning. I realized my leadership skills were rubbish, that

there was far more to the United States than delicate West Coast sensibilities, and that ones

conception of reality is based largely on subjective misconceptions and a lack of factual

information.

I was only in IADT for two and a half months, after that I headed to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma to

be instructed on how to perform my military occupational specialty, 13D Artillery Targeting

Tactical Data Specialist. While on Ft. Sill, I felt like a colonist on another planet. The heat, the

humidity, and the flatness of the landscape were all so foreign to me. To make matters even

stranger, I had my cell phone and could use it pretty regularly. I felt like I was watching my loved

ones lives play out on snapchat and via text from a planet far, far away. It was surreal, but the

constant stream of information illustrated that the fear of missing out that had haunted me

during boot camp was largely unfounded. Life goes on, but not much changes in 5 months. At

Ft. Sill, I was allowed to run again and man did I take to that activity like a fish to water. I got

back in shape and managed to win the annual base 5K. I was riding high on the night of August

2nd 2016: I was finally heading home.

LIFE BEGINS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DESPAIR - ACT 1 // VOL 3

I wonder if my jubilance at the little pleasures will fade once I return to civilization. Will I remember these lessons or

will they fade like the uneasy memory of a dream? I was afraid of changing when I got here, now Im afraid I really

haven't changed at all

So suddenly I was back in CEP! How exciting! I was expected to use my head again!

With my financial situation rectified, I was back with a vengeance. I was a bit behind on credits

and would have to stay in university and extra quarter to make them up, but who cares! I was

buck wild with excitement. I moved in with my friends Ciera, Payton, Emily, and Wyatt. Troy was

still my boyfriend- hed waited for me to come back from training. Things were alright. I had a lot

of catching up to do- I needed an internship and fast. I took a job at Bartell Drugs to cover the

cost of living and got back into the school groove.

One of my proudest accomplishments in CEP was my effort to restructure the

Community Engagement Committee. Though the efforts of my classmates and the new junior

class cannot be emphasized enough, my vision and long range plan for the committee has been

followed to a T. During Fall Retreat, I suggested we select a theme for each quarter and begin

planning panel sessions to inform students about community issues. The panel would be our

central focus with volunteer opportunities related to the central theme implemented before and

after the panel to form as bookends. The formula kept everyone in the committee engaged on a

project and ensured that we were thinking ahead as opposed to just hanging out in committee

as we had the previous year. The panels were a great success- the tenacity of the juniors and

the organizational skills of the seniors were incredible and insured our success.

I started Winter quarter with two internships- a product of my neurotic tendency to

overcompensate. I was crushed- taking 19 credits that quarter and during Spring while working

30 hours a week was heavy. I did really well Winter quarter but was really exhausted by the
middle of Spring. Despite my oversight, the lessons I learned at both places of employment

were invaluable.

As a program assistant for the Your Voice, Your Choice participatory budget initiative, I

developed outreach materials, led community meetings, and entered the multitude of data

generated by constituent input. I worked at the Office of Emergency Management as well,

drafting a survey of Seattle child cares to better assess their emergency preparedness. Both

internships ended in late May, which didnt allow me as much time as I wanted to devote to my

senior project.

I worked to create outreach materials for the University District food Bank. Though they

ended up looking good and were well received at both senior project night and by the food bank

administrators, I felt as though I couldve done more. I found myself making up for lost time in a

big way. I wish I had been more intentional about my education earlier in my university career,

but hey, as you can tell I was in a weird place. My senior project will help students get

connected with the resources they need and that alone satisfies me. Hunger is lurking around

the corner for many students and its a problem overlooked by the money hungry UW

administration.

I find the universitys leadership to be very distant and ineffectual- for example, they are

financing a major campus expansion all while knowing they are close to $1 billion behind on a

campus wide seismic retrofit. The liberal arts majors are largely house in the older, unreinforced

buildings. Its good to know that the prestige of UW science programs are worth more to the

administration than the lives of student who arent STEM inclined. But I digress.

The obtuse nature of existing structures and institutions inspire me to become the

change from within. I aim to infiltrate these spaces and openly advocate for and support

progressive change. As an openly gay man in the Army to an advocate for marginalized
communities while employed in the city government, I will tirelessly pursue inclusive change. I

hope that I can leverage a solid career in planning; Ive applied to a variety of planning

internships for the summer at a variety of local municipalities and interviewed for a position just

yesterday. Im pretty optimistic: these next few years Ill pay off my debt and get on a solid

career track. CEP has given me the experiences and skills I need to succeed. Im forever

grateful.