Shame in the Public Arena

May 2, 2017 Fr. Stephen Freeman

In 401 AD, twenty-nine Saxon slaves, strangled each other to death with their bare
hands in their prison cells. They chose this death rather than being forced to fight one
another in Romes arena. Better death than shame. Their owner, the Senator
Symmachus (famously known as the Last Pagan), wrote of them that they were a
rebellious band of slaves, worse than any Spartacus.1
In the pages of the New Testament we see some interesting public events:
A woman taken in the act of adultery is dragged into the street by her accusers where she is
threatened with public stoning.
Jesus is nearly thrown headlong off a cliff after speaking in the synagogue in Nazareth.
(Luke 4).
Stephen the Deacon is publicly stoned after preaching about Christ.
King Herod issues orders to arrest more Christians after his execution of James is seen to
please the people.
Public life in earlier centuries could be brutal and dangerous. In many locations across
the world, little has changed. The controlled madness of sporting events boils over into
violence on any number of occasions each year.
But all of these events share something in common: the public use of shame. The
language of shame essentially attacks who a person is rather than what they have done.
A person who is guilty of murder thus becomes a murderer. And though this is
technically true, it is also not true. The language of guilt isolates responsibility for a
single event; the language of shame assumes that you are now that event waiting to be
visited upon all. Guilt suggests punishment or restitution; shame declares that no
matter what you might do, you will always be that person.
There is a world of difference between being wrong about something and being
stupid. But, as one comedian has it, Theres no cure for stupid. Shame labels us as
incurable.
The language of shame is far more powerful than the language of guilt. Guilt can be
answered and atoned. Shame, however, has no atonement it is a declaration of who
we are. There is no atonement for stupid, ugly, incompetent, mean, evil, etc. On
occasion, I have been accosted by those who use shame as a verbal weapon. Recently,
in an exchange in which I was the object of someones labeling, I was told that no
apology need be made when speaking the truth.
Shame is not only permitted in our culture; it needs no apology.
There is a strange phenomenon about shame, however. I describe this as its sticky
quality. When we see the shame of someone else, we ourselves experience shame. This
can be as innocuous as watching someones public embarrassment and sharing the
feeling of embarrassment. It is equally and more profoundly true in darker and deeper
encounters. We cannot shame others and remain untouched. The very shame we
extend reaches within us and takes us with it.
It is there, in its depths, that shame does its most devastating work. It is a primary
creator and maintainer of the false self, an identity established largely through the
energy of shame that leaves the truth of the soul shrouded in darkness. It becomes the
source of acedia, in the words of the fathers, or anger, anxiety, and depression, in
modern parlance.
I recently sat with an older African-American man who was sharing his daily
experience with me. Hes poor, and has had occasional trouble with the law. He works
long hours at menial labor and is frequently mistreated in his work. He said to me,
Im angry all the time. As I looked at him, I saw someone who seemed only a moment
removed from homelessness or jail. But we met as two men. He was asking nothing of
 me other than someone to listen to him and offer whatever wisdom I might have. I saw
someone who has endured decades of shame. Indeed, simply to be Black in American
culture is to carry some amount of unwarranted shame. How could he not be angry all
the time?
Unattended shame lives within us like a dybbuk, an angry hurt and hurting soul that
breeds death. We ignore the role of shame in our lives to our own spiritual peril. Much
that we imagine to be righteousness is only shame in a fancy disguise.
If you have ever engaged in one of the typical shame fights on social media, then think
about how you felt when it was over (or even if you only read such a shame fight).
There is no inner peace. There can be burning anger and a nattering inner voice of
opposition that lingers for days. In terms of shame, it doesnt matter if you are right.
Shame loves the categories of right and wrong. It only matters that your opponent
disagreed and that you shamed them. Shame is like the game of global thermonuclear
war: the only option is not to play.
Shaming is easily justified by many. Whether it is doctrine, the Church, the state, the
culture, whatever institution stands most in danger, shaming, like violence, is
considered an effective tool in guarding the fort. However, it remains the case that
shame cannot be used without causing damage to the one who uses it. Like the One
Ring of Power, shame takes the one who uses it into the darkness and binds them there
as well.
The mystery of our salvation cannot be found in living life on its most literal, surface
level. Such a life can make no sense of forgiving enemies, doing good to those who hate
you, rendering good for evil, being kind to all and sharing your stuff. In short, such a
life cannot bear the shame of love. But only such love can know God. We only live by
dying. We only heal shame by bearing shame.

1. Mike H. says: Hi Father, Thank you very much for this post. Im intrigued by your saying, We
ignore the role of shame in our lives to our own spiritual peril. Much that we imagine to be
righteousness is only shame in a fancy disguise.
This is something of which I feel like Ive seen the shadow in my own life (e.g., if I understand you
correctly, my attempts at piety are just a defense mechanism against the shame I feel in other parts
of my life), but I was wondering whether you could elaborate on that point.
2. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: Mike,
It is pretty consistent in the lives of the saints that as they grow in holiness, so they become far more
aware of their sin. The awareness of righteousness (in its many, many guises), is generally a delusion
and has little to do with righteousness. The way up is the way down, according to the Elder
Sophrony, but so very, very few choose it.
Frankly, I think very few people actually believe in God. (Thats a terrible thing to say, I know). We
believe in a cypher that stands as a place-holder for the concept of God. And the concept serves as a
place-holder for our ego (the false self). We see this by our behavior. We defend that which needs no
defending which can only mean that we believe it does need defending and thus cannot be God. We
concern ourselves daily and moment-by-moment with the outcome of history, when that belongs to
God alone.
Paul Tillich famously defined God as Ultimate Concern. Its true that what you are ultimately
concerned about serves as your God. But ultimate concern is a far, far cry from the true and living
God.
I have written previously about Christian Atheism in this regard.
Genuine righteousness looks much more like one of the classical fools for Christ than it does like
most peoples notions of righteousness. Indeed, if there is nothing of the fool about someone, then
they probably have not started their journey.
3. St. Longinus says: We cannot shame others and remain untouched. The very shame we extend
reaches within us and takes us with it.
Intriguing.
4. Fr. Stephen Freeman says: St. Longinus,
Its a point that Im not making up its a scientific account of the experience of shame. Its strange,
but can be proven over and over. It is indeed intriguing.
5. Maria says: You know, Father, it is not a terrible thing to say, Frankly, I think very few people
actually believe in God. It is true.
In my own life, observing myself I see that I do not believe in Him. I would certainly be different on
the whole if I did. Perhaps, when I say I believe in God, a minuscule part of my belief IS God, but it
seems the vast majority is something else, some other god.
I wonder something. Does a persons ability to see, and be, their real self help them see and believe in
God [in your sense]?
Thank you.
6. Jonathan says: I write this not knowing what side of the shame I am on. But knowing that I am
in it seems enough. My family experienced a trauma a few years ago. One family member responded
to another family members sin by refusing to share meals with him until he repented of his sin. The
family has not been together since. One part feels holy and the other wishing for acceptance. I am
without sin in the situation and pray God has mercy on us allit is the only way out. I find comfort in
the words of a few post agowe must stand up from behind the bush and say, here I am Lord.
Comfort me. I find myself wanting to change the situation, hide from it, yell at it, and sometime just
cry. But what do I really have that will help? These posts on shame have been close to my heart. I cant
help but think that prayer for Gods mercy is the only way.
7. St. Longinus says: @Jonathan,
Perhaps acceptance is not the correct word. Perhaps empathy is what the sinning party wants from
the holy family member(s). As for the holy family member(s), they might want to look in the mirror
for a bit. The sin shouldnt be accepted. However, the repentance, even if offered, may not be enough
for those who seek it from the sinning party?
8. Michael Bauman says: As we cannot shame others without being shamed neither can we
forgive others and not be forgiven.
Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me.
It is an Incarnational reality. God became us, is still us, body mind and soul except without sin. When
He arose He raised all the dead. That inculdes us.
The hymns of Pascha are not poetic fancy and metaphor. The hymns of Pascha describe both the
cosmic and personal reality of what and who we are.
The door to our experiencing that reality involves both death and shame: the Cross.
9. St. Longinus says: @Fr. Freeman,
There are times I know I believe in God because, in those moments, I trust Him completely to know
what I need, spiritually and materially, and how to provide it to me. And there are moments when I
offer Him or the Blessed Mother a prayer and I wonder whether either of them will listen to me
because Im not in a state of grace and therefore dont deserve to be heard. I have many doubts..
10. Nicholas Stephen Griswold says: Father, you speak truth and I think the violence of shaming
is rising in our culture. I hear people trying to preach their gospel using shame to attack others who
do not share their particular version. I also see you as spot on when you say those who use shame are
damaged by it as well. Thank you fr putting this in such a tidy package of truth.
11. Dean says: Fr. Stephen,
Your comment of the black laborer reminded me of an encounter in Death Valley. Outside one of the
tourist stores sat an old member of the Timbisha Shoshone tribe. I sat beside him on a long rock
barrier, out of the sun. I think he was drunk. But we struck up a conversation. Dont recall the
specifics. But he would say a few sentences. Then Id reply. Probably sat together only 10 minutes or
so. I believe I gave him a couple of dollars when I got up. I do know how badly I felt when I parted, no
doubt sorrow, guilt, empathy, shame, all jumbled together.
12. Taina says: How does bearing shame heal it? And by bearing shame, what exactly do you
mean? Thank you.