Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
The Hypnotists
THE HYPNOTISTS
by Jeffrey R. Parenti
(Open on JOE's apartment. JOE is sitting on the couch watching TV. The phone rings.)
JOE Hello...Hi Randi...No, I'm doing much. Actually, I'm watching the Blazers game on
TV...Uh, it's almost over. They're losing by 42...Why are you lonely, no date tonight? I
thought plenty of guys wanted to go out with you...Come on, there's gotta be at least one
guy that's not watching the Blazers game...Why do you want me to come over?...I'm too
lazy to walk that far...Maybe tomorrow...
CHARLES Did she just ask you to come over? And did you not just decline?
JOE Yeah.
CHARLES Are you stupid, Joe? Thousands of guys drool gallons over her every day
and she asked for you. Of all people. Come on, Joe. Aren't you the least bit attracted to
her?
CHARLES Well, don't just sit there on the couch like meat loaf. Go talk to her.
Talk to her.
CHARLES (Excitedly) All right! That's the spirit. And you'll be doing me a favor at the
same time...I got the Shelby quintuplets coming over tonight and...we'd like some
privacy, y'know.
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JOE Ha, ha. Right, Charles. I'll see you later and don't confuse names this time.
Remember what happened with those triplets last week..
(JOE exits and closes the door. He turns and knocks on RANDI's door, which is right
across the hall.)
(She grabs his arms and pulls him inside. The she gives him a big hug. JOE is a bit
stunned, but returns the gesture with a fraction of the intensity.)
RANDI (With JOE still in her clutches) Oh, I know, but I just wanted to give you a hug.
(Pause. She finally lets go.)
JOE Randi, why don't we try something nice and American like a handshake.
(He puts out his hand and she reluctantly shakes it.)
(She leads him by the hand to the sofa and they sit down.)
JOE Randi, that's the way you start all our conversations. Say something different this
time.
JOE Chester?
RANDI Or is it Lester?
JOE You can't remember. Of course, why should that surprise me? It took you 4 dates
before you could remember the last guy's name: Mike.
JOE Oh, that's right. Which is why you kept calling him "Morris."
RANDI So he reminded me of the cat in the commercial...I'm human. JOE So you met
this Chester Lester guy.
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RANDI Yeah, in the library. We were studying for our Marsupial Digestive Processes
test together, and he asked me out.
JOE Going out as friends? Does that mean it's still a date?
JOE So, what are we doing right now? Aren't I seeing you as a friend? Even though I
didn't ask you out? What's the difference? I don't get it.
RANDI I do.
JOE So, you called me over here to tell me about Chester Lester?
(RANDI puts her head on JOE's shoulder. There is a pause and then she starts to play
with JOE's chain which has a pendant.)
RANDI
JOE It's a diamond-studded treasure chest. It came with the Captain Crunch I ate this
morning.
(As she plays with his pendant, RANDI begins to edge closer to JOE. This makes JOE
feel uncomfortable and he starts to glance around the room.)
(Getting up) Say, Randi. You never told me about this stuff on your shelf over here. I
always meant to ask you about it.
RANDI No, none of it's really worth any money. It's just stuff that people have given
me. Like this. (She picks up something fuzzy from the shelf.) This is a three-legged pig
that a guy won for me at the state fair a few summers ago. I can't remember his name.
RANDI The man running the booth said it was a rare Antarctican variety. You know.
It's where Canadian Bacon comes from.
JOE Oh.
RANDI And this (she picks up a ring) a guy named Ben Si--Something gave me before
he proposed to me in front of Lucky Mickey's Chicken Licks. It's a mood ring--see?
When he asked it read melancholy. I guess that's why I said yes!
RANDI Oh, I can't quite remember. I think he's the one who moved back to Idaho to
take over the family used car business.
RANDI Only five. This (she takes a mug from the shelf) is a souvenir from Newark,
New Jersey. I went there with Ted Varnal for a whole weekend. It was so exciting!
RANDI Just that weekend. We had a fight on the drive home about who got to keep the
mug. After that, we broke up. But I got to keep the mug! (She returns it and takes a
miniature train car.) This is an N scale dining car from Freddy Duller's favorite train set.
It was so special to him. Until his Saint Bernard, Gibraltar, trampled it and the wheels
fell off of it. Then he gave it to me. That was so sweet of him.
JOE So you spent years with all these guys and this is all you have left?
RANDI Yeah, but I don't like to think of it that way, you know? (She begins to wander
back toward the couch.) I mean, they were great times while lasted. I just wasn't meant
to spend the rest of my life with them, that's all. Doesn't that make sense?
(RANDI has now resumed her original position with JOE, using him as a pillow.)
RANDI Joe?
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JOE Yes.
JOE Really?
JOE Well, I've noticed that you hang around with a lot of guys. Like Mr. Lester
Anatomy Library Man.
RANDI I know, they're just people I see every once in a while, you know? I can talk to
you, Joe. You understand me. And...I care about you. I wish we could spend more time
together.
JOE I--I don't know, Randi. What do you mean by spend more time together? I see you
a lot. And I live right across from you.
RANDI I know...I guess what I mean is I'd like to get to know you more - intimately -
you know...Couldn't we just try? There no harm in trying. If you don't like it we can
stop. What do you say, Joe? Why don't we try something we Earthlings call a "date?"
An evening alone with me. How can you argue with that, Joe?
JOE I guess I can't. What the hell, it's not like we haven't done it before. We just never
called it a date - officially. Um, how bout dinner this weekend...Saturday night...7
o'clock...Cafe Ahmad...
JOE Great. (Awkward pause) So you're sure there are...no other guys you're interested
in...
RANDI I told you there wasn't, Joe. Even if there was, why does that bother you?
JOE Well, I mean, if you told 23 other people that you cared about them then I wouldn't
feel as--important...I guess.
RANDI Oh, come on, Joe. Don't be so jealous of a guy that doesn't even exist.
JOE (Defensively) I'm not jealous, I just would like to think that I--I don't know...
RANDI (Looks into his eyes) Joe, listen to me. You are the only one I care about right
now. There's no one else. Just you.
(Just as JOE is about to melt under her gaze, the doorbell rings. The spell is broken.)
RANDI (Excited) Oooooh! There's someone at the door.
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(She gets up and bounces to the door. JOE is left alone on the couch, stunned. RANDI
opens the door. It's the plumber.)
RANDI Yes.
PLUMBER Yeah, uh, the landlord sent me up here. Said you had a leaky pipe. I'm the
plumber.
RANDI Oh, yes, come in. I'll show you to the bathroom. (They cross toward the
bathroom) It's a really bad leak. There's all this water on the floor all the time. (They
disappear into the bathroom.)
PLUMBER (From offstage) Hmmm. OK, yeah, uh...(He comes back into the living
room followed by RANDI.) I need to go to the truck to get my tools.
(While all this is happening, JOE sits on the couch looking like he's just been through an
emotional Cuisinart. Because he has. RANDI smiles broadly to PLUMBER.)
(She puts her fingers on the plumbers chest right below his name, "Bill," stitched on his
coveralls.)
PLUMBER Yeah, uh...(Thinks.) Uh, hey. The tools can wait. Hey, listen...would you
wanna, I don't know...do somethin' this Saturday or somethin'?
(She pulls PLUMBER over to the couch by the hand where Joe is sitting.)
(PLUMBER and RANDI sit on the couch, with RANDI between the two men. There is
an awkward pause.)
JOE (Deadpan) I'm a bounty hunter. I kill overpaid blue collar workers.
PLUMBER Cool.
JOE So, you're a plumber. Which country club do you belong to?
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PLUMBER Actually, I'm only doing this to pay for law school.
JOE (Laughs) Well, when you graduate from Harvard, give me a call. I have a few
parking tickets I'd like to argue.
PLUMBER Uh, hey, sure. Listen, I gotta get going. (Gets up, crosses to door. RANDI
follows.) I'll call you later about Saturday, OK?
(PLUMBER goes out the door and RANDI closes it. A second later there is a knock.
Bewildered, RANDI opens the door. PLUMBER sticks his head in.)
RANDI Bye.
JOE (Gets up to leave, upset) Uh, listen, Randi, I gotta go home and clean my revolver.
Thanks for the conversation.
(He breaks for the door. RANDI catches him by grabbing his wrist.)
JOE Did you forget the little detail of our date Saturday night?
RANDI Oh, Joe, I'm so sorry. I'll reschedule with Bill for Saturday afternoon.
RANDI Joe, don't be mad at me. Can we at least talk about this?
JOE Fine.
JOE I just can't believe you're going out with that guy. He's a plumber.
RANDI Joe, you heard him. He's paying for law school.
JOE Guys tell you a lot of stories that you believe. Remember Larry Sander?
RANDI Oh, yeah. Told me he was a stockbroker until I finally found out he was a bell-
hop.
JOE Yeah. It was the uniform that gave him away. How about Rahul X, the guy that
was gonna start a civil rights movement for Arab-Americans...
RANDI ...Who turned out to be a cashier at Arby's. And he wasn't even Arab.
RANDI Ah, the guy who told me he was a multi-millionaire professional pickle player.
Until you told me there was no such thing as professional pickle.
JOE See?
RANDI Yeah, I guess you're right (Suddenly determined) But Bill's different. He's not
like the other people I've dated.
JOE Randi, that's what you say about every guy you date.
RANDI I do not.
(He pulls a small voice recorder from his pocket and pushes play.)
RANDI'S VOICE But Rahul is different. He's not like the other people I've dated.
RANDI OK, so I did say it. But this time I mean it.
JOE Fine. Have a good time, Randi. I'm sure you'll tell me all about it.
JOE Oh, nuh-uh. I'm not going out with you Saturday night.
JOE I seem to remember something about how I was "the only one." Care to explain?
RANDI (Gently) That was before I met Bill.
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RANDI Come on, Joe, there's absolutely nothing wrong with caring for more than one
person at once.
JOE Well, that's OK. You won't have to worry about that anyway.
(JOE gets up and moves to the door. RANDI dart over and blocks his exit.)
RANDI All right. All right. Bill--is nothing. OK? I--don't know what I was thinking
when I said I'd go out with him. I'll call him right now and break the date we had. OK?
RANDI (Looks into his eyes) Joe, let's go back to the couch, OK? I'll call Bill.
JOE (Still annoyed) Randi, he just left. He won't be home yet. Besides, you don't know
his phone number. Or his last name.
RANDI Oh, yeah. (Turns to look at JOE.) That's another thing I like about you, Joe.
You're so smart. (She laughs.) You know, I don't think I've ever broken a date with a
guy in my entire life. That's definitely a first for me. It must mean I really like you.
RANDI (Slowly, hypnotically) Yes, it does. In fact, just sitting here, I've realized
something.
(RANDI darts to the other side of the room to answer to phone. JOE, left hanging again,
falls off the couch and lands with a thud on the floor.)
(Into the phone) Hello...No, it's not...Who?...Oh. Well, how do you know her?...You
are?...She hasn't? The nerve! That's terrible. She has no right to treat you like
that...Well, hey, um--I'm not doing anything right now. Do you...want to come over?
(Hearing this, JOE picks himself off the floor and staggers to the door. With some
effort, he manages to open it, walk through it, and close it behind him.) RANDI
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Oh...Well, if you ever want to talk, or whatever, you know, just call that same number,
okay? Maybe we can try some other time. It was nice talking to you. Bye.
(She hangs up the phone and turns back the couch where JOE used to be.)
(Blackout.)
(When the lights come back up, it is the next night. CHARLES and a beautiful young
woman, BRENDA, are sitting at a small table downstage in his apartment. They are
both staring into a crystal ball. The light is low, there are candles burning, and the smell
of incense is in the air.)
BRENDA Anything?
CHARLES Wait...I'm getting something...I see...I see you, Brenda. You're beautiful, as
ever. (He looks at her and smiles. She smiles back.) You're with someone--
CHARLES (Humbly describing himself) He's tall. Strong. Intelligent. And handsome.
(He winks at her.) And I believe...he's sitting...right next to you.
(CHARLES moves his lip region in on BRENDA's. Outside the door, enter JOE,
reaching in his pocket for his keys. He opens the door, interrupting the fun.)
JOE Charles.
CHARLES (Clears his throat.) Er, Brenda, this is my roommate, Joe...who was at the
baseball game...for the whole day. I thought.
JOE (Turning on the lights) Basketball game. And I left early. The Blazers only scored
seven points in the first quarter. I wasn't about to stay for the slaughter.
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BRENDA Sure.
CHARLES (Crosses down to Joe, whispering) Joe, uh, listen, I got something good
going here. You understand.
CHARLES Well...
You gotta give me this one, pal. (He puts his hand on JOE's shoulder.)
JOE (Looks at him.) No, Charles, I'm not leaving. I am sick of leaving every time you
have a girl come over and play.
JOE Why don't you take her in the bedroom and show her your spoon collection. I want
to watch some TV.
CHARLES (Pause.) All right, Joe. Watch your TV. (Starts to cross back, but stops.)
You know, you really need a girl. (Remembering.) Hey, what happened with Randi last
night?
JOE No, I mean, she doesn't--I don't want to talk about it. (Pause.) And what about your
quintuplets last night?
CHARLES Listen, Brenda and I will be enjoying each other's company. Give my best
to Gilligan. (He claps JOE on the back then crosses back to BRENDA, who was playing
with her hair.) Brenda, would you care to join me in the other room?
BRENDA I'd love to. (She get up, crosses to him and takes his hand.)
CHARLES (As they walk off toward the bedroom, stage left) I'll show you several
dozen eating utensils that elite druids used in 12th Century Eurasia.
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CHARLES And after that, maybe I'll show you some other things.
BRENDA Oh.
(They giggle and rub noses nauseatingly as JOE watches in pain. BRENDA and
CHARLES exit. JOE goes to refrigerator and produces a beer. He crosses back to the
couch and turns on the TV. He watches for a bit. After a few sips of his beer he realizes
it doesn't taste very good. Then he notices the incense smell which is still in the room.
He looks over his shoulder where it is burning. He gets up, crosses to the small table
downstage, takes the stick of incense out of the holder and looks at it. We can hear more
giggling from the bedroom area. JOE throws the stick on the floor and stamps it out.
Then he goes to the candles and pours his beer on them to put them out. He tosses the
can bitterly back towards the couch. Then he turns to the crystal ball. He looks at it for a
few seconds then picks it up. He holds it up to the light and smiles. He crosses to the
couch where he left his jacket and put it on. He puts the crystal ball in his pocket and
goes out the door. There is one last shriek from the bedroom before he makes it out. As
he is closing the door, RANDI enters behind him in the hallway with a bag of groceries
in each hand. JOE sees her and tries to reenter his apartment without being seen.
Unfortunately, she sees him.)
JOE Uh, hi, Randi. Do you need some help with those?
RANDI Oh, thanks, you're a doll. Could you unlock my door for me?
RANDI (Flirtatiously) They're in my front pocket. (She sticks out her hip.)
(JOE takes the bags from her. RANDI frowns and opens the door. JOE follows her in.)
RANDI (Taking back one of the bags) Can you stay for a little while? I want to talk to
you about something.
JOE (As they disappear into the kitchen to dispose of the bags) Well, the Jeffersons are
on in a few hours...
RANDI (Reemerging into the living room) Joe, what happened to you last night when I
was on the phone?
JOE Huh?
RANDI (Turning him around to face her by his shoulders) You disappeared. Why did
you leave?
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RANDI (Suddenly embracing him) Joe, I told you last night that I'm falling in l--(With
eighth grade innuendo) Joe...what's that in your pocket? JOE (After RANDI lets go)
Oh...(He takes the crystal ball out of his pocket) You mean this? It's a crystal ball.
(He gives it to her and she sits on the couch. JOE sits too.)
JOE I don't know, really. It was sitting on the table in there, and I just sort of...took it.
JOE I'll give it back! (Pause) I don't know, Randi. I guess I just wanted to see what it is
about this thing...
JOE (Annoyed, he returns her head to its original upright position with his hand) No, I
will not tell your future. If you want to know your future, ask Charles. (Getting up,
raising his tone) I'll tell you your present, though. After I left the game today, I was
feeling a little curious. So I stopped by the office of the Drip Drip Fix Fix Plumbing
Company and asked them if they had any plumbers named Bill. And you know what I
found out? Your friend Bill is not going to law school. In fact, he's not even a plumber.
He escaped from the Locomount Mental Institution and was impersonating a plumber.
JOE I also know that you went out with him today, Randi.
RANDI Oh, why are you so jealous, Joe? It's like you're gonna turn into a psycho killer
because I went out with one guy.
JOE (Angrily, under his breath, as he heads for the door) I don't believe this. (He flings
the door open and shakily tries to unlock his.)
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RANDI (Following him into the hall) Joe, didn't you hear what I said last night? I love
you!
(He opens the door and slams it behind him. RANDI retreats as the lights go down on
her apartment. JOE takes off his jacket and throws it somewhere in anger. Apparently
he has forgotten the action that had been going on in the bedroom. CHARLES enters
from stage left, fully clothed.)
CHARLES Joe, what going on out here? I heard you yelling, is everything all right?
JOE (Frantic) Aw, I'm sorry I slammed the door, Charles. I know you hate that. I just a
little--ok I'm a lot--angry at Randi for--
JOE Shut up for a second, ok, Charles. I didn't really want to. She has this weird power,
I don't know...
(BRENDA emerges from the bedroom, wearing half her clothes, carrying the other half.
Her hair is a mess.)
BRENDA Charles, what's going on, why did you l--Oh, hi, Joe.
(CHARLES gets up and goes over to BRENDA and takes her by the shoulders.)
CHARLES Brenda, listen, I'm afraid it just won't work out between us. I'm sorry, I - I
just got out of a bad relationship and I'm--just not ready to start a new one right now. I
hope you can understand..
CHARLES (Leading her to the door) Maybe in a few months we can try again, ok?
Remember, I still love you. (He kisses her on the forehead and opens the door.)
Goodbye, Brenda.
BRENDA Goodbye, Charles. (She exits down the hall as CHARLES closes the door.)
JOE What the hell was wrong with her, Charles? Wasn't she any good?
CHARLES No, I felt smothered in our relationship. I needed some space. JOE You met
her this morning!
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CHARLES That's not important. So where were we? What did Randi say to you?
JOE Well, after she said yes to me, this other guy walks in--
CHARLES A plumber?
JOE Yeah. Came to fix the pipes. And Randi just reeled him in. She just threw me
away, Charles.
CHARLES Yeah, I know where you're coming from, pal. I think that it's really low to
brush away someone like that. Pick up a new person just like that. (Snaps his fingers.)
Sad thing is you'll meet people like her again, Joe. You gotta--
JOE No, your name is Charles and everyone at work calls you Chuck.
GILLIE I was wondering if you would be interested in any of our Tazmanian Sponges.
CHARLES Well, yes, I'd love to see them. This way...(He leads her to the downstage
table. She puts her briefcase on it and opens it.)
CHARLES (While perusing sponges) Oh. First of all, think about this for a minute.
Who's a better guy? You, or the plumber?
CHARLES Well, you are, of course. (To GILLIE) What's the absorbency like on this
one? JOE Yeah, I guess I am. (With conviction) Sure I am. So, now what?
CHARLES No kidding. (To JOE) You have to show her, Joe! Show how great of a
person you are.
CHARLES What about this purple one here? (To JOE) You have to go over there and
make her forget about that loser electrician.
JOE Plumber.
CHARLES Whatever.
GILLIE This one is naturally scented with the ink of the Bultarian Octopus from the
Indian Ocean.
JOE Ok. Ok, I will. Screw the plumber. She should be with me.
CHARLES That's the spirit, Joe. (To GILLIE) I think I'll take this one.
JOE Thanks, Charles. CHARLES No sweat, buddy. (As the lights go down on his
apartment, to GILLIE) Say, can you stay for awhile?
(JOE, trembling with confidence, knocks on RANDI's apartment. Lights come up as she
crosses to open it.)
JOE (Confidently) Randi, there's something I'd like to talk with you about.
JOE I would first like to apologize for yelling at you earlier. That was uncalled for.
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JOE (Awkwardly) And so now I'd like to talk about you. And me.
RANDI Ok. (She heads for the couch and sits. JOE follows.)
RANDI Joe, I'm getting a feeling from you that you--I don't know--don't want me
around.
JOE No, please, Randi, I've been thinking a lot about this and--there's something very
important I have to say to you. I--
RANDI (Pulling the crystal ball out from under her) Oh, look at this. You left Charles'
crystal ball here.
JOE (Exasperated) Forget about the crystal ball, Randi. (He takes it from her and puts it
back down on the couch.)
RANDI (Picking it back up) I think you should take it back to him. I think he would be
very upset if it got lost or broken. (JOE is not interested in the crystal ball. She looks at
him sternly). Joe...What if it were your crystal ball?
JOE All right, Randi. Here (He takes the ball) I promise I will take excellent care of it
while we are talking. This is very important. I need to tell you how I feel about you.
(His glance lands on RANDI's shelf of souvenirs. Changing his tone) Randi...(Still
looking at the shelf) If we were to start dating...What do you think will happen to us?
RANDI What do you mean, Joe? (Pause) We'll go out, we'll get to know each other,
we'll have fun--
JOE (Looks at her) No, I mean in the long run. Do you think that we'll--Do you think
we'll ever get married, have kids--
RANDI Married? Joe, don't you think it's a little early to start talking about marriage?
JOE I just want to know whether I should spend time--with you--all this time--if we're
not--
RANDI Joe, stop for a minute. Look. I can't promise you anything about that. I
wouldn't. I do know how I feel right now. You are one of the nicest men I have ever
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met. I mean that. You're tall, handsome, intelligent, and strong. And what I said last
night still stands. I love you. Nothing can change that. But I can't predict the future.
Nobody can. Not even Charles and his stupid crystal ball. (She puts her hands on the
ball.) I don't know where we will be in five years, four and a half years, four and a
quarter years, or even four years. But if I love you, and if you love me (They smile at
each other) we'll be around for a long time. But I can't tell you if we'll ever be married. I
haven't even kissed you yet. (She leans toward him. He rocks back a bit, unsure. But
then he closes his eyes and waits.)
RANDI Oh, that was Bill's. (Pause.) That reminds me, I have great news.
JOE What?
RANDI No, it was a mutual break-up. (Pause) But isn't that great? I'm all yours! You
don't have to share me with anybody.
JOE What happened with Bill, Randi? Why did you break up?
RANDI All right, all right. Um, well...he had to go back the hospital to get treatment, so
we decided that neither of us could stay with the relationship, and--
JOE Wait. That means you were going out with him for a grand total of--thirty hours?
JOE (Calmly) So, uh...How did you end up with his wrench?
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RANDI Oh, he was so sweet, Joe. (She takes the wrench and looks at it.) He gave it to
me and he said that if we ever see each other again he would buy me a solid gold pipe
wrench a thousand times bigger. Besides, he didn't need it anymore. You know (She
gets up and crosses to the shelf.) I think I'll put it right here next to the dining car...(It
lands with a thud.) Doesn't it look nice, Joe?
(JOE does not respond. He's eyes are fixed on the shelf. Lights come up very slowly on
the other side of the stage where GILLIE and CHARLES are on the couch. As the
action continues in RANDI's apartment, they slowly become closer. They eventually
progress to kissing.) RANDI Come on, Joe. Bill is history. Forget him. Don't be so
damn jealous. I told you there will not anyone but you while we are--
JOE (Quietly, calmly) I don't care about that. (Pause.) I don't care about that, Randi.
(Slowly) Can you tell me more about those guys on your shelf? The broken train car
guy, the mood ring guy, the three legged pig guy, the New Jersey mug guy or anybody
else up there? Collecting dust. You'd forget them all if it weren't for some piece of crap
they all gave you. What about me, Randi? Should I even go through the motions with
you? Or just call it over before we start? Huh? What do you think? Save us both some
time and trouble. (Long pause. JOE is breathing as though he has just run the mile.) You
don't want to forget me, do you, Randi?
RANDI No--
JOE Well, here. Here's another souvenir for your shelf. (JOE tosses the crystal ball to
RANDI, who is stunned and doesn't catch it. It sails past her and we hear it shatter
offstage right. JOE turns and walks out quickly. He disappears down the hallway.
CHARLES freezes when he hears the shatter and looks back to the table, where he
notices for the first time that his crystal ball is missing. He runs across the hall just after
JOE leaves.)
CHARLES (Frantically) Joe, have you seen my crystal ball? (Seeing RANDI, he turns
the charm switch on) Oh, hello, Randi.
(The lights immediately go down on RANDI's apartment. GILLIE, who has just been
left by CHARLES, sits dejectedly for a moment, then bitterly tosses one of her sponges
at the door. Blackout.)
END.