Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
/u/19081624060216221807
Alright, listen up you little shit. In five years, you will have 30 seconds to call yourself
from five years ago. Think of something better than I did.
/u/Anonymously-Used
Do you want to cease to exist? Because that is how you cease to exist.
EDIT: thanks for my first ever gold, kind stranger!
/u/YetAnotherGilder2184
Nah, five-years-ago you would just procrastinate for five years and wind up sending the
same message back.
/u/khulu92
Procrastception
/u/ArchUnicorn
1
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/fuckswithducks
Ive written about this before, but Im still trying to revive my favorite model of rubber
ducky. They were very common about 20-30 years ago and were even being sold in stores
in the last 10 years. Ive done a ton of research and can paint a picture about its rich
history. This story has changed a lot since the last time I posted it because Ive learned
a lot more since then.
In 1977, a toy company called Knickerbocker created a new toy called Ernies Rubber
Duckie. Designed by famous toy inventor Henry Orenstein (patent USD260915), this
toy would lay the foundation for one of the most iconic rubber ducks in history. The
original ducks were produced in the USA, and I have one of the original molds! In
1983, Knickerbocker was sold to Hasbro; which produced more of the ducks around 1985
through Playskool and Tommee Tippee. The Playskool ducks were produced in the USA
and Mexico and the Tommee Tippee production was in Taiwan. Around that time, a
Taiwanese factory got a hold of this toy and started creating generic knockos of it. By
1992, Playskool discontinued production of their rubber duck, but the generic versions
continued to pour out of Taiwan. Every few years, the made in Taiwan ducks which would
appear in toy stores across the United States.
Remember this stock photo? It appeared in everything from Photoshop tutorials to the
default Windows user account profile picture. Some were even used in an experiment to
test the pollution caused by dierent kinds of jet ski engines. Those particular ducks are
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now mounted on the desk of politician Mark DeSaulnier, D-Calif. The city of Bellaire,
Michigan, uses thousands of them in an annual rubber duck race fundraiser.
Sadly, new duck designs have flooded the market these days and this particular design
has slowly faded from popularity. The last time I ever saw them was in a World Market
around 2008. It surprises me that a design which was so popular for 40 years has suddenly
disappeared in the last 8. If I find them again I would love to start my own small
business selling them to continue their legacy. Producing new molds from scratch is cost-
prohibitive and might not even come out right, so Im still hoping I can find one of the
original manufacturers to create more for me.
3
/u/farkinhell
Parents that didnt believe that the whole world was out to kidnap / abuse / harm their
children and let them go out and play instead.
4
/u/nursejacqueline
Im a telephone triage nurse, so not 911, but a 24 hour hotline for people to call when
they are having a medical problem but arent sure if they need to go to the ER or not. I
have a few favorite stories, but Ill share this one:
A quite pregnant (dont remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks)
woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the
pregnancy and she didnt understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having
pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it
was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible.
She tearfully exclaims, But how will I feed the baby?!?
Me: Im sorry, maam, could you repeat that?
Patient: How will I feed the baby if I cant have sex?!?
The patient was convinced that her baby was living o of her boyfriends semen, and
that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord,
etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms,
etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she
thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her
boyfriends name.
That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasnt sure if I felt more
sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
/u/pryjar
/u/nursejacqueline
5
Patient: Yes, a live chicken, from the coop in my backyard. Shes just so fluy and
soft, and Im so lonely. . . I had sex with her. And now I have an infection, and Im so
ashamed. . .
Me: Oh. Wow. Ok. Well, uh. . . I dont honestly, um. . . I dont know if there are STDs
which can be shared between humans and chickens. Let me make you an appointment
for tomorrow morning. . .
Turns out, he didnt have an STD. Just inflammation (maybe the chicken was too small?)
and advice to stick to adult humans for partnered sex.
/u/jberg93
/u/lunastess
/u/gingersyndrome
Well, the past 10 girls Ive been interested in have all been lesbians. At this point Im
almost afraid Ill fall for a straight girl and break my streak.
/u/MooCow93
One of my good friends has almost the opposite problem - the last 4-5 girls hes dated
have ended up realizing they were lesbians or bisexual shortly after their relationship with
him ended. . .
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/maddomesticscientist
Getting arrested because they think Im that other girl with the same name that likes to
commit armed robbery and other fun felonies. It usually takes about 12+ hours for them
to believe me.
7
#1039 Whats something everyone just accepts as normal
thats actually completely fucked up when you think about
it?
2016-09-12 20:04:47
/u/TragicHero84
/u/biddlyboing
Working all of the hours of the day you want to be outside to pay the bills for a car you
only really use to get to work and a house / flat you mainly use for sleeping and preparing
food. That and the weekend.
/u/Costner Facts
/u/Greedwell
/u/OSRS Callgun
me too thanks
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#1038 A genie will grant you three wishes, but the wishes
must rhyme. What do you wish for?
2016-09-10 21:48:51
/u/InchZer0
/u/infez
Give everyone whos in world hunger some free meals and dishes
Clean all the dirty water for the people and the fishes
The ability to make infinite un-rhyming wishes
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/tcw1
In kindergarten, the teachers aid told us that north is always forwards no matter which
direction you are facing. During recess, I figured out which way north really was and told
her. Her response was, Only if you are facing that way.
EDIT: Her first language is English, I think she thought that we were unable to understand
north/south/east/west and she got really mad at me when I proved her wrong. Until she
was eventually fired a few years later, she tried to punish me with anything possible. For
example, when I talked during lunch, she moved me to a dierent table.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/BashyLaw
I want to have a frank discussion about Nellys 2005 banger, Grillz. The song focuses
on oral jewelry, the eponymous Grillz, as a display of wealth, power, and mid-2000s
fashion. A grill describing a diamond- and gold-encrusted mouthpiece.
In the song, rapper Ali, a member of Nellys St. Lunatics, raps Ive got a bill in my
mouth like Im Hillary Rodham. This particular line has kept me up nights for the past
decade.
The initial conceit is obvious enough: a bill is a reference to money, and Ali wants the
listener to know that the grill in his mouth costs a lot of money. Since the largest bill in
circulation is $100, its unclear to me whether Alis grill only cost $100 or if he wants his
audience to take a further leap and assume that a bill references several bills. I cant
imagine $100 buys very many mouth diamonds.
The second half of the line proves particularly troubling. He invokes Hillary Rodham,
who, as of 2005, was a state senator for New York U.S. Senator for New York. Its possible
that our civic-minded emcee wanted to invoke the imagery of Mrs. Rodham on the floor
of the NY U.S. Senate, arguing for bills left and right. While she sponsored a couple
hundred bills during her tenure, only one Hillary-sponsored bill was signed into law as
of Grillz release (according to govtrack.us). So, while it matches the a bill language,
the line doesnt particularly invoke the large number of bills required to purchase a
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premium mouthpiece.
A wrinkle in this line is that Hillarys husband is William Bill Clinton. Thus, the line
bill in [his] mouth like [hes] Hillary Rodham could easily be interpreted to relate to
oral sex. This comparison is especially apt when you consider that Bill is infamous for
receiving oral sex from a White House intern during his tenure as President. And perhaps
this incident is even more infamous because the oral sex received came not from Hillary,
but from a third party. In fact even 10 years after the incident any references to Bill
Clinton, a mouth, and women inevitably lead listeners to his presidential scandal.
So, is Ali letting the rap community know that he enjoys giving oral sex? Or does his
metaphor fall apart because, at least in this context, Hillary had no Bills in her mouth?
Given the rampant homophobia of the mid-2000s rap community, Im inclined to believe
that Ali didnt mean to invoke any reference that might include him giving oral sex to a
man. But then, why even go near the Bill/Hillary situation?
Ive considered a third option regarding this half of the line, that Alis invocation of
Hillary Rodham and bills is a reference to her much-maligned Wall Street speeches.
Hillary has received criticism for making private speeches to Wall Street in exchange
for large speaking fees. The imagery of money for speeches lends itself well to having
bills in [your] mouth like . . . Hillary Rodham. When Hillary talks (you know, with
her mouth), the bills flow freely. In fact, Id argue that this interpretation provides the
strongest metaphor for sporting an expensive grill.
But its impossible for Ali to know this, as Hillarys speaking tour didnt really start in
earnest until she left the State Department, roughly 8 years after Grillz dropped.
So, Im left to draw one of three conclusions:
1) Alis use of metaphor on the 2005 track Grillz was poor, at best, and he had no
business rapping alongside Nelly, Paul Wall, and Jermaine Dupri.
2) Ali is a time-traveller, and uses his gift for low-key political commentary thats way
ahead of its time.
3) I have entirely too much time on my hands.
EDIT: I have updated the post to properly reflect Clintons position in the U.S. Senate.
An earlier version of this analysis named her as a state senator. My apologies to HRC,
consider the record corrected.
Further, in response to the idea that bill refers to a billion dollars. Come on. Theres
no way these guys were contemplating spending a billion dollars on grills. Thats prepos-
terous.
/u/StopTCPabuse
Im printing this out so I can read it to my future children so theyll know exactly what
2016 was about.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Zer0 Karma
If you take a drug and it doesnt kick in right away, you should take more.
/u/Sigseg
I took a hit of LSD 15 minutes ago and dont feel anything yet. Should I take 3 more?
Yes. Good luck with that.
I actually see shit like this on /r/lsd all the time.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/mrhuggables
14
a litigious society we live in and all docs have to practice defensive medicine.
This is just for gyn patients obviously, not for ob patients or what goes in in the OR.
Ob/Gyn has a pretty broad spectrum from clinic to L&D to the OR which is why I love
it!
Edit: someone asked about what we do dierently in new patients. . . we just get a
more detailed historypregnancies, first period (menarche) and historical period problems,
family history, sexual history, previous pap smears, previous gyn procedures, etc.
edit 2: to those asking about how my sex life is aected by my workit isnt. two totally
dierent worlds. theres nothing sexual about a breast exam or pelvic exam. you (should)
get desensitized to it literally after the first one you do in medical school. and more
importantly you as a physicianor as a man, quite franklyshould hopefully understand
that women arent sexual objects and that theyre coming to you to seek your help and
medical expertise and are placing their trust in you to provide them w/ that.
edit 3: why did I go into ob/gyn? lots of reasons really. I like the varietyclinic, babies,
surgery. patients are generally happy healthy and motivated. problems are generally
easy to fix whether surgically or medically. most people want to have their baby and are
incredibly happy after delivery. clinic is active and involved. patients usually go home
satisfied. maternal-fetal health is a key indicator of a societys progress and I enjoy being
able to contribute to that progresswherever I am in the world. the women in my family
made me who i am today because they were healthy and i want to give that opportunity
to other families.
edit 4: to anyone thinking that they may be getting cut short by their own gyn visits,
keep in mind this whole process typically takes like 10-15 minutes at most. we get very
ecient and honestly by the 4th year of med school even your typical gyn clinic visit is
pretty routine. looking for all these problems and asking about them doesnt take long
but there is an art to eliciting the information we need in a concise manner lol.
edit 5: for those of you asking me to assist w/ medical problems, realize Id love to help
you, but I cannot give sound medical counsel over the internet w/o getting a solid history
and doing a physical exam. My default answer is to go see your actual doctor because
they have access to things that I do not over an internet message boardmost importantly
you, the patient. :)
/u/Daedalus871
/u/Assdolf Shitler
/u/11110000q
Can a barrista ever enjoy a cup of coee for coees sake? Can a professional baseball
player ever watch a ballgame on his couch on a Sunday and not over analyze everything?
Can a gyno go down on his girl and not ponder the last time a pap smear check was
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administered?
/u/baristabatista
Yes I can and do frequently enjoy a cup of coee just for the sake of it. Hope that helps
/u/kingeryck
But can you go down on a girl without worrying about when shes had a pap smear?
/u/poopellar
/u/AlleKluak
16
/u/Sha of Depression
Crippling loneliness.
Alone.
:D
/u/NanotechNinja
/u/ readthisthanks
17
/u/18107
Refugees fleeing war come to Australia by boat. The refugees are either sent back (to
inevitable death), or held it oshore processing facilities with less than adequate living
conditions. People have died in these places due to lack of medical attention, and even
children are considering suicide as a way out. Physical and sexual abuse of refugees
(including children) is ongoing.
The government has responded by making a law that prevents anyone from speaking out
against the abuse. Anyone who tries saying that the living conditions are anything less
that ideal, will go to jail for up to 2 years.
Edit: It appears that some information here is incorrect. See sub comments for more
detail.
/u/benny whitehouse
So what will ya do when the pigs show up and ask you about this comment?
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/u/xVoltage360
/u/Splodgerydoo
A few years ago when I was in high school I had this dream where I was sitting in a field
just relaxing. A railway line is running through the field and I notice a strange object
sitting in the middle of the track. I go to investigate and its one of those ball-in-a-cup
toys. The second I pick it up, the string suddenly wraps around me and Im bound to
the rails like a cliche western movie. Sure, enough a train approaches. Its Percy, from
Thomas The Tank Engine. Hes charging towards me full speed and stops a couple feet
away from me. After I get a close look at him, his face looks like he just got this shit
beaten out of him. In a very disturbing, raspy voice he mutters Help me, I dont want
to end up like the others followed by a blood churning shriek. I audibly said What the
fuck? when I woke up. I was 17 years old and just had a nightmare about Thomas the
fucking Tank Engine. It was 4 AM and I didnt fall back asleep until 8 AM. Unfortunately
it was a school day and I got in deep shit.
TLDR: Percy from Thomas The Tank Engine scares the fuck out of me so bad I miss
school
/u/Wildfires
19
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TheJesseClark
When the Nazis invaded France, the Resistance cut the elevator cables to the Eiel Tower
so Hitler would have to take the stairs.
20
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#1028 What is the worst advice you can give that rhymes?
2016-09-02 21:19:43
/u/capthowdy0000
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:)
/u/EtherBoo
22
go and Rollerblade. I still do, I just havent in a while because it hasnt been part of my
training regimen. Once I can drop some of my running down I plan to Rollerblade again.
Also, by used to be one of my favorite things I mean 15 years ago when my friends and I
had no money and would spend our Friday/Saturday nights skating at the beach. Wed
go out for a couple of hours, get a pizza slice or two, look at hot girls going into clubs.
Were grown up now, the beach kind of sucks at night now (the night life that used to be
focused there has dispersed), and we would rather spend Saturday night indoors playing
board games since ALL our friends can participate.
/u/Whirlybear
Being gay is accepted now so strap on your fruit boots and start rolling.
/u/Phillyfreak5
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
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/u/TooBadFucker
/u/Mr Zaroc
/u/r kay
If this is the game Im thinking of it starts o like hide & seek, but only 1 person hides
and everyone else is it.
When you find the hidden person, instead of them being out, you hide with them!
Therefore, at the end of the game theres one clueless person looking for everyone packed
in a closet. . . like Sardines!
/u/highlydoubtthat
And now half of Reddit will show up to church this weekend waiting for a game of sardines
to break out after the benediction.
24
#1025 What do you wish was socially acceptable?
2016-09-01 14:03:39
/u/mushroom-flower
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
/u/TROUSER CHOWDER
Polyjuice parties where everyone mixes a personal batch of polyjuice and passes them
around till you dont know whose you have. Everyone goes and hides, come back then
you fuck each other all night long until the potion wears o and everyone gets to laugh
at who fucked Crabbe.
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Edit: wow I actually had like 150 karma from a year of redditing on this account. LOOK
AT ME NOW BITCHES.
/u/JoelQuest
26
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#1022 What illegal thing have you done for the right
reasons?
2016-08-27 12:42:40
/u/FlyingFuck787
/u/nowhereman136
I use to work at a cvs. After Halloween, all their candy goes on sale, up to 80% o. After
3 weeks though, no one candy candy corn flavored chocolate or bat shaped gummies. So
they told me to throw it all away. This was about 2 shopping carts worth of candy. None
of it was expired or damaged, just out of season. Instead of taking it to the dumpster, I
placed it all in the back of my car. The next morning it all went to the local food drive
center. (In all honesty I did keep 2 bags for myself). The food center sent me a thank
you letter saying I donated over 50 lb of candy.
About 2 months later I am called into the head oce. They have it all on video me
putting the candy in my car. They told me I owed them $500 in damages or they would
press charges. I got a lawyer and argued that dumpster diving isnt illegal in my area,
which since I was told to throw it away this is what I did. In the end I was just fired and
banned from the store, charges dropped.
Edit: for people asking, lawyer was a friend of a friend. He basically gave me some free
27
advice and I threw his name around in one of the meetings. It ultimately didnt cost me
anything except my job. Shitty job anyway, didnt like working there. It was and second
job and I found something new with similar hours and pay almost right away.
#1021 What was actually cool in the 90s, that is still cool
today?
2016-08-26 15:13:55
/u/yfridi
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
Pokemon.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/therelentlesspace
I get so angry about this. If we would all decide as a society to not pay these bullshit
prices, surely they would lower eventually. But NOO, everyone just HAS to have their
beer, even if theyre paying a fucking 500% mark up. I say no more! Stand up for yourself
and refuse to be gouged!
/u/PanamaCharlie
i think its a way to deter people from getting shitfaced at sporting events but still
appeasing the crowd. Imagine the amount of more incidents and fights if even more
people were wasted.
/u/tbones55
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/u/willmaster123
/u/Mupyeah
/u/zenova360
I can almost smell the Freedom from that and Im across the Atlantic.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
And fuck yeah they cried, for the land of the free.
/u/mithoogithoo
The European commenter thats always hours late to every interesting thread
At all.
31
#1017 What popular songs lyrics are creepy as fuck but
disregarded due to the melody voice?
2016-08-24 17:06:34
/u/likealcohol
/u/DadNotTonightPlease
/u/Jestar342
/u/toomanymidichlorians
/u/flandre-kun
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/VVillyD
#1015 What sexual thing have you done that your friends
and family would never believe of you?
2016-08-18 09:58:31
/u/tymeupplease302
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/u/Mint Killer
I am a woman. When I was a teenager I was good friends with the preachers daughter
at the church my family attended. We were tasked with cleaning the church on Saturdays,
vaccuuming and polishing the pews and whatnot. We got paid $15 each.
We used this time to take shots of liquor from the communion glasses and then have
lesbian sex on the alter.
/u/dick-nipples
The hardest part for me would be not staring at womens breasts. Well, the second
hardest part anyway.
34
#1013 What is the dumbest 100% serious thing someone
has said to you?
2016-08-17 18:20:53
/u/leafybd
[removed]
/u/goddamncripple
I was sitting in my wheelchair, watching my fianc get some shit out of his car from within
the double front doors at my unis cafeteria, and some gomer came up to me and asked
in one of those high pitched voices you use for puppies or kindergarteners Do you need
let out???
Jesus christ Im a cripple not a chihuahua
/u/geak78
My cousin works with deaf students and they are often given braille menus before my
cousin politely tells the waiter that their eyes work fine and they dont know how to read
braille.
/u/goddamncripple
Before I started using a wheelchair I had a service dog to help me walk. She was a yellow
lab and wore a BLD harness, so a lot of people assumed that she was a guide dog and i
was blind. One day I was reading a can of soup at a grocery store and someone came up
and waved their hand in front of my face to see if i was blind.
People are dumb.
/u/geak78
/u/goddamncripple
That probably would have been the best course of action. I ended up just staring at him
like wtf?? He walked away awkwardly.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/afambelafonte
I was working as a waiter at a restaurant with a patio, and one day a woman grabs my
arm and says oh my god, WHATS THAT? and points to the half-moon in the sky.
I say uhh the moon?
She says WHY THE HELL IS IT OUT DURING THE DAY?
I said What?
She said it again. I had to try to explain to her that sometimes depending on the phase
of the moon we can see the moon in the daytime. She said where she lived in Washington
DC the moon definitely never came out during the day. I said well hey youve heard of
a solar eclipse, right? When the moon covers the sun? She says, and Im not kidding
you, I thought those only happened at night.
I asked her what she did for a living in DC to change the subject. This woman was in her
40s, was wearing a smart pantsuit, drank white wine, and said she was a schoolteacher.
/u/Red Chameleon
How much of that white wine had she had at that point?
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Jilltro
Go on a road trip. Road trips are so much fun with the right person, and I think its also
an important relationship milestone. How do you cope when you miss the exit, or you
feel sick because he insisted on stopping somewhere that had all you can eat chicken and
waes.
Edit: unfortunately I do not remember what the place was called or where in pa it was.
I even texted the ex I went on the trip with to ask if he remembered and he said hell
no, but I remember scrapple.
/u/notahipster-
Time out, where are there all you can eat chicken and waes?
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I once had to kill 50+ heads of cattle in a weekend (dairy farm shutting down, needed
them destroyed for insurance reasons or something)
The bolt machine broke down at around cow #20
The remaining 30 had to be put down the old fashioned way: a 30/30 rifle, a hammer,
and a helluva lot of determination.
By the last few cows my shirt was soaked in blood (the dark stu, not the light red), and
38
I could barely lift my hammer to finish them o. Managed to get through to the last cow
and dispose of it.
In the end we got paid a decent amount and we went home with our muscles aching and
the satisfaction that only comes from a day of good honest work.
Anyway, when I applied to become a bank teller I left it out
[removed]
/u/fatheroftardigrades
Fortune tellers and astrologers used to be held in high regard, these days theyre a joke
to many, but unfortunately not to all.
/u/Rooonaldooo99
Man, you would think they saw that coming and switched professions.
\ () /
edit: I fixed the shrug, you savages.
39
/u/IinventedGoogle
/u/rafo123
/u/MrPairOfBongos
I used to teach in a classroom with the bathrooms in the room. Kid comes booking out
one day straight to my desk. Uh, theres stu on the walls. Like, bad stu. I cant say
it. You have to look. So I look, and yep, definitely poop. I know who was in there before
him, so I call home.
Mom wont believe it. My son would never. . . must have been someone else. . . why do
you think it was him?
And then, the best moment of a phone call with an annoying parent Ive ever had.
Maam, he signed his name with it. Decent cursive, too.
Edit: Guys, I swear, I got the right kid. The student who reported it wasnt in there
more than a second before he blasted back out, and the shit-smearer admitted it later.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/naked as a jaybird
41
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/juiceboxheero
42
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/thick curtains
/u/TheHornyToothbrush
/u/Defenceman
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/matthewfromsky
put PULL stickers on push doors and PUSH stickers on Pull doors
let the inconvenience begin
edit: RIP my inbox
/u/spinynorman1846
Theres a bar in Southampton where the toilet door says Push when its really a pull
door. Its right by the bar, so the bar sta laugh when you walk into the door. Coming
out theres a pull sign, so, thinking youre being smart, you know you have to push the
door. Unfortunately the sign and handle are both on the hinge side of the door so you
still walk into the door. The worst thing is that because youre drinking you just dont
learn throughout the night, and repeat the same mistake every time.
44
/u/fatcat2040
There is a bar in Boulder, CO where the bathroom doors say men and women, with
an arrow pointing to the opposite door. Very confusing after a few pints.
The bar is The Dark Horse.
/u/taxi-via-whiskey
/u/PM Me Something-Cool
/u/taxi-via-whiskey
/u/KungFooKangaroo
Cocaine
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#1002 You get to add (1) zero to any number in your life?
Where would it be and why?
2016-08-03 02:41:09
/u/leetsaucee
/u/SenderMage
This is a great one! None of the existential issues like those who added a zero to the
year of their death, and no need to worry about being fired like those who increased their
hourly wage from $18 to $180. Just lots of peaceful hours to use for studying, work, fun,
or whatever else you want.
46
/u/bonobosonson
/u/SF1034
Theres where Id add my zero: the number of times I can comfortably wank in a day.
Edit: why are all my top voted comments about cum?
/u/Xeotroid
/u/Mikeydoes
/u/Digital Rocket
/u/psyon
Thats only an issue because people are more concerned with making sure the worst
person doesnt win, rather than trying to make their choice win.
47
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
48
#999 What are the best/funniest porn bloopers? (NSFW)
2016-07-31 19:11:40
/u/ElQuackers
[removed]
/u/142978
Theres this one clip with lily Thai where the guy puts his dick in her and she makes this
face and shes like oh god baseball baseball baseball trying not to come but she comes
instantly and the cameraman is just like we need a bucket. Is there a towel in this room?
Oh my god. Meanwhile the male porn star is just sitting there looking dumbfounded like
what the fuck my dick is magic
Edit found the link http://efukt.com/20760 Even Women Premature Ejaculate.html
Last I heard shes a bartender in Austin tx
/u/MrDolphin1313
Cut o my dick.
49
/u/pryjar
Dude, for a billion dollars, you could get a transplant and then live the rest of your life
happy, banging sexy chicks, eating gourmet shit, never cleaning, never working, travelling,
sailing etc.
/u/MrDolphin1313
Didnt even think of that. Fuck yeah Ill cut that pathetic worm right o.
50
#997 What WOULDNT you do for a billion dollars?
2016-07-30 15:45:06
/u/armoredwolf26
/u/absurded
Kill myself.
Edit (after so many votes): I cant see how killing myself would help the people I love.
Theyd be sick, disgusted and appalled I thought so little of them that theyd prefer
money to my love, friendship and support.
/u/obi21
Hmm, if it meant that you could give the money to your family/loved ones Im sure a lot
of people would do it.
51
#996 Whats something men do to impress women that
actually impresses women?
2016-07-28 20:40:38
/u/I PISS FIRE
/u/throwawaycoolaid
/u/ vargas
I tried the long range cumshot (no 360 though; my chronic swimmers ear means I dont
have the proper balance to execute such a move) with my girlfriend one time. Let me tell
you, it as not as easy as they make it look in the movies. My attempt may have started
with a bang, but it ended with a whimper.
We had been making love in my grandmothers small bunghole, as was custom. After
a blistering one hundred and twenty five seconds of humping - in which I managed to
include everything from missionary to Brazilian jujitsu to Mongolian throat singing - I
signaled to my girlfriend that I was ready to make flowers. But rather than reaching for
an old sock or Mason jar like she normally does, she instead told me to shoot it in her
mouth hole. Now, I could have of course done it at close range. But Im someone who
likes a challenge. Its why I only use one-ply. So I took up position at the far end of my
grandmothers couch, took aim, and fired away.
That first volley didnt appear to have enough mustard on it to reach my girlfriends
embouchement. While my horizontal orientation was spot on, my angle of azimuth seemed
too low. I was guessing it would be chin shot at best. I hadnt taken the time to consider
factors such as the drag coecient of semen, wind sheer, or the curvature of the earth
itself, so I guess that was to be expected.
Against all odds, however, it stayed true. I didnt have scientific instrumentation in place
at the time, but I hypothesized that my load stayed true thanks to upward thermals
emanating from my girlfriends vagina, just like during the hang glider part of Pilotwings
for Super Nintendo. As a result, my semen ended up gliding smoothly and without
incident through her gaping maw until finally splashing against her epiglotis. A hole in
one. If this had happened down at the local country club, drinks in the clubhouse would
have been on my tab that night.
I wasnt so fortunate with the next shot, however. I tried to carefully aim it but my
donger violently recoiled from the previous blast, which made an accurate shot nearly
imposible as they say in Old Mexico (it means impossible in American). Not only did
it fail to reach her mouth, it completely missed her person altogether. Kind of like when
Randy Johnson sailed one over the head of John Kruk in the 1993 All-Star game. It ended
up landing on one of my Nanas hummus figurines. Luckily, they were dishwasher-safe,
but that load itself was lost.
Round number three was even worse. Not only was I dealing with the aforementioned
donger recoil, but my body betrayed me even further by choosing that moment to pass
52
gas, and vigorously. It gave that load additional velocity, yes, but greatly reduced its
accuracy, as well. The love-loogie went wide of the target by at least five yards and flew
directly into the blades of my oscillating fan, which then flung my boys to very corner of
the living room. Oddly enough, this was what finally compelled my Nana to get an air
conditioner, so something good came (heh) out of it.
My final few spasms produced but a dribble, the jizm barely making the two and half inch
journey down my arethra, out my dingle, and into the world. It instead landed on my
moccasins. Before I lost consciousness, I heard a whimper issue forth from my girlfriend.
Later on, I would find out it was a result of her realizing semen is not vegan-friendly,
which meant she would be losing some of her superpowers for a time. That would be just
about the last time my jizz would ever pass her lips, the one exception being when I woke
her up with a blow job for our seven month anniversary. She did not like that. I guess
some people are just really sensitive about that kind of thing.
/u/fuckswithducks
My rubber ducky collection. I dont think Id want to have sex with them any more if
they were actually alive.
/u/jbush90
53
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
54
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/BrodorNSexGodPod3way
/u/uNecrotic
55
/u/Track-tor
Onomatopoeia on point
/u/jamers19
Spelling on point
/u/SkeetAllOverTheWalls
56
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:)
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
/u/(deleted user)
[removed]
57
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Firefighter
/u/poopy wizard132
58
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Scaphiopus
Gravedigger.
Digging up all of your dead relatives and bringing them back home? Dont want none of
that.
59
#988 Long haul truck drivers of Reddit, what is your lot
lizard story?
2016-07-21 07:04:42
/u/CookinGeek
/u/erath droid
Drove for a while back in the day, still do from time to time (no more long haul) but
every time Id see prostitutes Id call the cops because there was a good chance that these
women werent doing this because they wanted to, but because they had no choice.
Human tracking is a very real thing, even in the U.S., and there are a LOT of girls that
are forced into making the rounds of certain truck stops.
I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the nasty old lot lizards that you hear about
were at one point young girls that were abducted and forced to work as prostitutes and
then thrown out by the side of the road when they couldnt bring in the money anymore,
and now they find themselves in a town far away from everyone theyve ever known and
are just doing the only thing they know how to do to get enough money to survive.
/u/lovemadesimple
Thank you for humanizing these women that are repeatedly referred to as lower than
animals in this post. You are a good person and Id like to think maybe the women you
had attempted to help received that help from the proper authorities.
60
/u/NoCoeeNeeded
Jerking o and climaxing when the video switched to a close up of the guys face.
/u/Mutt1223
I always sneeze twice. No more, no less. Two shall be the number thou shalt sneeze, and
the number of the counting shall be two. Four shalt thou not sneeze, neither sneeze thou
once, excepting that thou then proceed to twice. Five is right out. Once the number two,
being the second number, be reached, then wipest thy nose on thy friends interior, who
being naughty in My sight, does not say, bless you.
61
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
... twice.
/u/Cali oh
We were 18 and going to be together forever until he told his church camp counselor
that wed had sex. The day he came home up he dumped me because they convinced
him that I was evil and he needed to break up with me so he didnt go to hell. Um, yeah
whatever it was HIS idea that we sleep together. We spoke a few times during college
but lost touch (this was before e-mail).
Years later I googled him and found out that he was suering from Huntingtons Disease
(which is a fatal, horrible, degenerative disease). I got in touch with his Mom and asked
what I could do and she said just send him a note or something because of none of his
friends ever visited him. So I started sending him letters/cards a few times a month and
when I traveled for work I would send him a postcard or buy him something and send
it to him. His Mom would send me letters about how much he loved my notes and my
presents and in my heart I felt that same connect that we had all those years ago. He
died only two years later. While he broke my heart and the break-up sent me into a
depression that lasted YEARS, at the end of the day he was just a confused kid who let
others dictate what he should do. While I am not 100% sure he even remembered who I
was at the end, it made me realize that after all these years, once the hurt is gone I still
had love and aection for him in my heart and I am glad that I had the chance to be add
a small bit of light into his life.
62
EDIT: I have been trying to respond to everyone who commented on my post, but I did
want to just let everyone know how much I appreciate all of your lovely thoughts. I have
only shared this story with a few close friends, so I am overwhelmed by how it has touched
so many people. Many of your comments said that I am a good person, but were all
good people. Life is about making choices. You can choose to forgive, give back and be
engaged or you can choose to be self-absorbed, indierent or angry. Its easy to be the
latter and dicult to be the former. As I read through many of the comments (many
were hysterical!), I was saddened by how many were bitter and snarky. I posted my story
to remind people that its important to remember the good things about someone and
why you cared about them. Let go of the bad and keep the good:-)
Dont be afraid to reach out to someone who needs you - it may be a stranger, a friend,
a loved one or someone you havent seen in ages because you may just change their lives
- or yours.
/u/drewboos
63
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Curlybrac
64
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Landlubber77
65
drugs. And though we were a scandalous lot, methamphetamine is not something we had
readily available in the glove box.
After a few horrifying minutes of the least interesting man in the world stung his half-
soft cock into the flapping fuck tunnel of Walter Whites best customer it mercifully came
to an end with a money shot with no money, so to speak. The guy pulled out and started
jerking his limp dick and making all the requisite orgasm sounds while Gollums uglier
sister sat there dutifully with her jackolantern mouth agape ready to receive the fruits
of their labor, only homeboy was shooting invisible ink.
Perhaps he imagined wed hire Industrial Light and Magic to add some thick ropes during
post, but suce it to say, it wasnt in the budget.
Oh, and the van broke down during the shoot. Twice.
If nothing else, the entire experience was what made me decide to go the fuck back to
school.
TL;DR Being the cameraman on a porn shoot. It was a Bang Bus type of
scene and to call it amateur porn would be understating it by a magnitude.
A guy who fucked his wife and accidentally left the lens cap on would be
considered more professional.
66
/u/billzy02
Satan does the whats on your shirt and flick to the face shit and you fall for it every
time.
/u/factsangeryou
67
#980 Satan opens up Heck, a lighter version of Hell. What
kinds of torture are in it?
2016-07-11 00:24:04
/u/SuperDuperTurtle
/u/billzy02
Satan does the whats on your shirt and flick to the face shit and you fall for it every
time.
/u/UncleTrustworthy
68
/u/ARatherOddOne
/u/WinterCharm
1. we are not paying doctors (in primary care) and nurses enough
/u/interstate-15
Was expecting to see this. Doctors have too many fucking patients. How can they even
do their job correctly if theyre constantly being shoved a new body to look at. I have no
idea how ER doctors function.
Its crazy to see how dierent roles aect peoples outlooks. A nurse friend of mine used
to work with post-operatory rehab patients until their discharge and my impression was
it was a really uplifting and rewarding environment to be in. He works in the ICU now
instead and it seems like being around all the constant and seemingly senseless death has
really taken a toll on how he sees the world. His view to a lot of things seems very much
what does it matter when you could do everything right, be in shape and healthy but
randomly find out you have brain cancer. Its like seeing so many people, who didnt
expect to have these situations thrown on them and who arent so dierent from he and
I, just have everything taken so quickly is really wearing down his resolve.
69
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Mrthereverend
My bare hands. Thats right, you have to try to use my bare hands to kill me.
/u/Gr33nmag1k
/u/MacheteDont
70
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
RIP
/u/HalBriston
Spiders. That whole turning your insides to liquid so they can drink you thing is
just. . . . . .
A SPIDER.
A SPIDER.
A WEE HAIRY HIDER.
IT SIGHTS YER
AND BITES YER
AND VIOLENTLY FIGHTS YER
UNTIL
WITH A GIGGLE
IT WIGGLES INSIDE YER.
71
#976 For those who worked at a place featured on How
Its Made, whats things werent shown on tv?
2016-07-07 09:46:03
/u/Grant123321
Cardboard box factory, Ive seen the episode but what Im about to say probably applies
to every factory. The dont show when things get fucked up, thats like half the reason
the employees are there. They show machines running and making shit.
For example: They show the corrugator and the box machine. They dont say sometimes
the glue cuts out momentarily, going unnoticed by the corrugator engineers, this can lead
to jam ups when the box is made Then cut to me standing by the machine in 115 degree
heat ripping paper shreds out of my machine and loudly cursing.
/u/LysergicOracle
Here, the operator berates the machine, calling it a filthy whore bastard and demanding
to know what the hell its fucking problem is. This eases the operators rage and keeps
production running smoothly.
edit: Next, a kind stranger gilds the comment. The commenter thanks them in the
traditional fashion.
/u/sllewgh
/u/intoxicated potato
/u/tumbler flu
Doo-doo-doo-doo
A worker kills his boss. . .
Doot-doot-doo-doo
A quality control technician burns his forearm. . .
doot-bop-bop
And Hammond gets wood
72
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
73
the counter. The forward steps around Williams just a few yards outside the area, but
the centre-half slides in to break up the move! Ronaldo shouts for a free-kick, but the
referee says it was a fair challenge!
5 Portugal have parked themselves in the attacking half, but theyve yet to threaten
the Wales back-line. Chris Colemans side are doing an excellent job of pressing the
ball, which has forced Portugal to retreat on a couple of occasion, while limiting them to
hopeful balls over the top which have amounted to nothing up to this point.
8 Yellow card Joe Allen
8 Another slip from Allen! The Liverpool midfielder again gives possession away, this
time dispossessed by Adrien Silva at the halfway line. He manages to win it back o
Nani, seconds later, but does so unfairly - and that will see his name into the referees
book.
10 IMPORTANT TOUCH! Portugal continue on the ascendency, starting to penetrate
this back five as they introduce some good width into their approach. Cedric finds space
on the overlap and whips a teasing ball in, but Collins does so well in marking Ronaldo
to win the header and clear the threat.
12 Wales are struggling to keep the ball for prolonged periods, with the likes of Bale and
Robson-Kanu very limited in possession up to this point. When Colemans side do win
it back, theyre quick to try and get up the pitch, but their passes have been lacking the
required quality.
14 This has been a much better start from Portugal than they put together in their
quarter-final match against Poland. At this point they were already down 1-0 and lucky
not to be even further behind. The same was true for Wales, as both of these teams wend
behind early in their last-eight matches - so perhaps the first goals isnt as important here
as it usually proves to be.
16 GLANCED WIDE! Splendid touch from Ronaldo to spring Mario on his way, before
being clattered into from behind. The Sporting midfielder surges into the area with eyes
for goal, opting for power not placement, but cant pick out the far corner as his eort
drifts a few yards beyond the target.
17 Much better from Wales! Lovely, patient interplay sees them mount a first threatening
attack of the night, taking the space Portugal had made available to them. Bale is sprung
down the left with Fonte having to come across into a foreign position to defend the
threat, but he does admirably to force a corner.
18 Bale shoots over from the corner.
20 Bale plays a pass across the box to Andy King, but the Portugal keeper scoops it up.
22 Bale what a run! Bursts into box but shoots at the keeper.
23 Corner to Portugal and it finds no one and goes out for a goal kick.
24 Robson-Kanu crosses it into the box, and Wales win the corner.
25 Portugal break from the corner and win a throw in.
27 Portugal are attempting to slow the tempo now when theyre on the ball, recognising
the threat Wales pose on the break. Theyre being careful not to leave themselves exposed
at the back, with both Alves and Fonte very much overmatched in the pace department.
That has to be a worry for Fernando Santos given how these first 25 minuted have
unfolded.
28 Portugal get the ball in but its cleared, Portugal blast over. Mark Bowens voice is
deep. . .
29Its all been rather pedestrian from Portugal in the final third through the opening half-
74
hour. They havent been able to carve apart a stingy and well-organised Wales defence,
with Hennessey yet to be called into action. Cedric tries his luck from close to 40 yards
out and lifts his eort into Row Z, summarising the Portuguese attack up to this point.
32 Portugal take a shot but its a goal kick to Wales.
34 Collins clears a cross from Portugal.
35 We are into the last 10 minutes now of what has been an altogether unimpressive first
half, which is sort of the standard which has been set by Portugal at the tournament.
They dont care how attractive a style they play, so long as they achieve the desired end
result, so this rather stagnant opening 35 minutes shouldnt come as much of a surprise.
37 Wales have implemented a wonderful press o the ball, getting after the men in
possession, while Portugal have adopted very much the opposite approach, giving the
three Welsh defenders all the time in the world when they get on the ball. Its allowed
them to keep their shape and not let Colemans side build in possession, limiting their
attacks to a few rare moments on the counter.
39 This narrow setup in the Portuguese defence has kept Wales at arms length. Cole-
mans side have been relegated to playing route one balls over the top, asking an awful lot
of Robson-Kanu, who has predominantly found himself to be outnumbered up top, with
Bale having to drop deeper to help provide a link between midfield and attack - though
hes been smothered by Portugal.
41 Ronaldo strikes the ball, but its blocked and goes out for a corner to Portugal and
caught.
43 [Ronaldo Heads o target] (https://streamable.com/fk0n) Thanks to ILoveDomeFrom-
Girls
45 HT 0-0
46 Kick o for the second half.
48 A plethora of errant passes out from the back see Portugal come under unnecessary
pressure early in this second half. Wales are gifted a trio of chances to get after a scrambled
Portuguese defence, but they fail to pick out the decisive ball to make the most of the
gifts.
48 Free kick to Portugal in Wales half. Cleared away by Collins. Corner to Portugal,
49 [GOAL FROM THE CORNER 1-0 Portugal. Ronaldo heads it in!]
(https://streamable.com/3lgw) Thanks to ILoveDomeFromGirls
53 [2-0 Portugal! Ronaldo has a poor shot and Nani gets the touch to make it 2-0!]
(https://streamable.com/q3i1) Thanks to ILoveDomeFromGirls
Sub Vokes On Ledley O
57 Wales are looking stunned. You can hardly blame them, but they have no time
to sit back in shock. They have a mountain to climb and theyre going to need all the
possession they can get to help turn this around - but theyre seeing next to none of it at
the moment, with Portugal playing keep-away.
61 Free kick to Ronaldo and just over.
Sub Church O Robson Kanu On
Chester Booked
64 Bale wipes in a free kick but is caught.
65 THAT COULD HAVE DONE IT! Nani catches Hennessey lacking focus, as the keeper
spills his strike from range! Mario is on hand to pounce on the rebound, but he knocks
it just wide of the near post! That surely would have ended any hopes of a comeback.
Sub Collins O Willaims On
75
69 Corner to Portugal, and its caught.
Alves Booked
72 Ronaldo fouls and is booked, Bale plays in the free kick from outside the box but it
comes to nothing.
73 Sanches makes a good run but shoots over.
Sub Sanches O Gomez On
76 Bales shoots at goal but its held well.
78 Corner to Portugal, cleared then falls to Danilo, who shoots at goal and Hennessey
nearly does a Rob Green.
79 Bale takes a shot and the Portugal keeper palms it away.
Sub Silva O Moutinho On
82 Bale takes a free kick but hits the wall.
85 Ronaldo takes it to the side of the goal, the gap is to narrow and he hits the side
netting.
Sub Nani O Quaresma On
88 Corner Portugal Cleared
3 minutes added on.
76
/u/michaelsiemsen
A couple of friends from high school made such a pledge, I believe . . . by the time were
35. . . He always had a crush on her, she was always interested in other guys and
straight-up said shed settle for him if no other takers.
They moved in together (ONLY as roommates!) in late 20s, had awkward drunken sex
one night a few years later (next morning, Dont think this means were together.), and
a few years after that they were basically a couple, though she insisted they werent.
At 35, I asked him if they were finally ocial. He said, She says she just uses me for her
lady needs, but I asked her once how shed feel about me dating someone else. She told
me to feel free to date anyone I want if Im okay with getting my dick cut o in my sleep.
So yeah, Id say were ocial!
/u/UppityScapegoat
/u/DoctorLoveMun
77
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
78
0.0.4 Goals
0-1 Radja Nainggolan - 13
1-1 Ashley Williams - 30
2-1 Hal Robson-Kanu - 55
3-1 Sam Vokes - 86
0.0.8 Substitutes
Wales
78 Andy King Joe Ledley
80 Sam Vokes Hal Robson-Kanu
79
90 James Collins Aaron Ramsey
Belgium
46 Marouane Fellaini Yannick Carrasco
75 Dries Mertens Jordan Lukaku
75 Michy Batshuayi Romelu Lukaku
0.0.9 Bookings
Wales
5 - Ben Davis [suspended for SF]
16 - James Chester
24 - Chris Gunter
74 - Aaron Ramsey [suspended for SF]
Belgium
59 - Marouane Fellaini
85 - Toby Alderweireld
Go Wales! :D
80
/u/Val Hallen
The more stickers you have on your car, the more of an insuerable asshole you are.
/u/Computermaster
The Chernobyl Power Plant wasnt just a nuclear reactor. It was also an experimental
time machine. During the first test run, the time machine overloaded, causing a feedback
loop that destroyed the time machine and Reactor 4
Since the time machine overloaded at exactly the same time it was activated, the explosion
and most, if not all, of the time machine equipment was sent back in time to June 30
1908, causing the Tunguska Event. The reason the explosion didnt happen in the same
physical spot is due to the gravity of Earth and other stellar bodies warping spacetime.
EDIT: Holy shit this post took o. I came up with it and wrote it in literally two
minutes. Ill correct and expand some of the phrasing, but this isnt meant to be a super
81
scientifically accurate premise. Im sure people will continue to poke holes in it just
like practically any other sci-fi premise.
/u/Doktor Diesel
82
#968 What is the most Michael Scott thing your boss has
ever done?
2016-06-29 21:10:21
/u/timeforknowledge
/u/myaccount2202
He put a fake severed head in my bottom desk drawer and watched me from the corner
of the room to see if it scared me. I just looked up (in a very Jim way) and blinked a
few times and then closed the drawer. The look on his face was pure defeat. He was
actually upset it didnt scare me, like thats all he thought about the night before and I
completely ruined his day.
/u/Sceptezard
This is beautiful
. . . It didnt go as planned.
:(
83
#967 Sperm donors of Reddit, what kind of porn do they
give you in that little wanking room?
2016-06-28 07:48:49
/u/Dolphin Titties
/u/D-Rex475
The first time I had to have a a test done when my wife and I were conceiving was terrible.
They sent me to a hospital, I was basically walked into a public bathroom and they told
me to lock the door.
When I left I noticed they put a sign on it that said Specimen Reterival In Progress Do
Not Disturb. I then had to make the long walk of shame down the hallway with a cup
of jizz. 1/10 would not reccommend.
They completely change their personality when attractive women are around. \ () /
84
/u/kawhe
/u/Pojodan
So what do they do? Sip tea, stick out their pinky, then make huge trade-deal changes
that ruin their currency valuation?
[removed]
/u/violentre
85
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/KimJongFunk
When I was in elementary school, I shared a queen size bed with my older sister and our
family dog (a mutt that looked like a short haired Lassie) would sleep at the foot of our
bed every night. When I was about 6 years old, I woke up one night around midnight
and saw a dark figure standing at the foot of the bed. The figure was entirely in black
without any eyes or a face. I tried to wake my sister up, but she rolled over to go back
to sleep. My sister must have accidentally kicked the dog, because the dog woke up and
raised her head and started growling at the figure at the foot of the bed. The growling
then woke my sister up and she saw the figure and started screaming. When my parents
came into the room and turned the light on, nothing was there.
To this day, both my sister and I are adamant that we saw a ghost or other demon in our
room. We know we arent crazy because the dog saw it too.
/u/jacquespitre
First o, sorry if the the formatting is weird (im on mobile). I can relate to your story.
Ive seen a figure like that twice. A year or two ago, I walked in my brothers room and
and looked at his mirror which showed my room down the hall. I saw a pitch black figure
in the hallway right next to my door across the hall. I stared for the longest five seconds
of my life. When I turned around it was gone and I brushed it o as my mind playing
tricks on me. I went to close the door to my room. When I reached in to close the door,
the door SLAMMED shut. I opened the door out of instinct ready to fight an intruder,
but nobody was there. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT.
86
There was also another time I woke up in the middle of the night at like 2 am. I saw the
pitch black figure, exactly as you described it, at the foot of my bed. I looked away to
wake up my friend (who was spending the night), but when I looked back it was gone.
Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of ghost attached to me because I played with a
ouiji board alone before shit like this started happening. I only wonder this cause the two
dierent encounters were in dierent houses. Sometimes I hear sounds in other rooms
and hope im just slightly schizo or something.
Im never alone.
/u/FatLipsMcCool
Not sure about 100%. . . .. Buuuuut, in my country (Australia) two of our states (SA and
QLD) have a gay panic law, which technically allows you to kill someone in self defence-
if the person is homosexual and comes on to you. Like, what the actual fuck?
/u/Mrthereverend
87
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Purple death
88
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Any, really.
89
Its scratched and shaped and slapped and draped
Across your share of cheese -
A little sauce is sadly scraped;
The bottles final squeeze.
/u/RamsesThePigeon
90
thats exactly what happened.
Michael shook his head. No, Im very opposed to violence unless its absolutely neces-
sary.
This isnt violence, another of my friends said. Its just fun.
You guys dont understand, protested Michael. If I go in that ring with you, I will
kill you. I wont have a choice.
A few eye-rolls were passed around the group. Why is that, Michael? someone asked.
Its my training, he said. Once I get into a combat state, I cant stop until Ive killed
someone.
Now, Michael was (clearly) not someone that we spent much time around by choice, and
none of us were too keen on talking him into an activity that he was clearly afraid of
trying. My other friends and I went a few rounds, knocked each other down a few times,
and figured wed head o to find a drink. As soon as we started walking, though, Michael
started into the next leg of his story.
Do you guys know why I have that training? he asked.
Because youre a ninja! someone sarcastically replied.
Michael nodded. Yes. I was trained in Kung Fu from a very young age, and I got so
good that my family got run out of the last town where we lived. Nobody said anything.
We certainly didnt ask him to continue. . . but he did anyway. They even hatched a
plot to try and get me thrown in prison. This girl broke into my house one night and
tried to seduce me. . . but I had a girlfriend, so I turned her away. Thats when she went
to the police and tried to say that I raped her.
How terrible, someone muttered.
Dont encourage him! hissed someone else.
Michaels voice took on a very grave aspect. Fortunately, I was friends with the owner
of the hospital. He helped me after I accidentally killed my Karate teacher. Someone
made a comment about the dierence between Karate and Kung Fu, but Michael either
didnt hear them or pressed onward anyway. He tested the girl himself, and he found
semen in her vagina. . . but it wasnt mine. . . and it wasnt human. He waited for a
reaction. When it didnt come, he escalated even further. That started a rumor that
I was a genetically engineered super-soldier, because of how powerful I am. We had to
leave town for my parents safety, because I couldnt always be there to protect them.
Once again, nobody said anything, save for a few murmurs of Uh-huh. Thankfully,
Michael seemed to have exhausted himself for the evening. . . until he asked one of us to
pay for his dinner.
Nobody was surprised when he had a really insane reason for being broke.
TL;DR: A genetically engineered super-soldier had to flee with his parents
after being accused of both rape and murder. . . and thats why he needs you
to buy his burrito.
91
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/tsmooths
When I was young, I had a friend who lived down the street. She had a trampoline and
I didnt, so naturally we spent a lot of time together. I also had a cousin who was a
year younger than us, whom I saw quite often. Someone decided it was a good idea (or
possibly just forgot I was there) to mention the fact that my cousin was adopted while
in front of me. Thats a pretty big secret in itself, but it also turned out that my friend
from down the street was adopted. . . from the same birth mother as my cousin. My
friend and my cousin were super secret brother and sister and I was a 9 year old with
this information. How exciting! Who wouldnt want to know they had a secret brother
or sister? So I called them to the tree house on the schoolyard during recess once and
spilled the beans. My family hasnt told me a secret since.
92
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/yung bubu
Playing hard to get all the time, especially when they establish that they like you. Once
we get that out in the air, it shouldnt always be a fight for your attention or aection.
/u/Lost in costco
God I hate that. If youre trying to purposely make me fight for you and earn your
aection Im leaving. I hate the chase, I fucking hate it. Im not sitting around chasing
you around. Ill move on.
/u/Geweldigheid
93
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/ObviousTrollDontFeed
We can fit a terabytes of data in the palm of our hand right now. Nano-robots which
can build anything given the raw materials and blueprints, including other nano-robots,
is not so far fetched. Medical technology may soon be able to incubate a human from
conception to birth. We are getting much better at finding near Earth sized planets in
our galaxy.
Now imagine sending human DNA, self-replicating nano-robots, and the entirety of human
knowledge on a smallish ship to an Earth-like planet. Once there, the nano-robots are
programmed to rebuild civilization. If we find thousands of Earth-like planets and send
ships to each of them, then we can almost guarantee success if the plan is solid.
I call this blowing our load all over the Milky Way.
/u/goldscrub
I call this blowing our load all over the Milky Way.
94
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! If you ever thought Cloud City in Star Wars was awesome, it turns out
we might be able to do something similar someday. . . on Venus. Sure, the surface sucks,
but if you go about 50 km up Venuss atmosphere is the most Earth-like there is in the
Solar System. Whats more, unlike the crushing pressure and hot temperatures on the
surface, you have the same atmospheric pressure as on Earth, temps varying from 0-50
C, and pretty similar gravity to here.
So yeah, floating cities in some form on Venus is actually not the dumbest thing- its more
appealing than Mars in some ways- so while I dont see it happening in my lifetime, it
may well be a more serious plan in the future. Heres a much more detailed article if you
want to read more about it.
95
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Youll die.
/u/77remix
96
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/fuckswithducks
97
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/funzo1031
98
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/xIAmSpartacusx
Horse posters. Stay away from the ones with horse posters.
99
#951 What makes a girl creepy?
2016-06-09 00:16:47
/u/ThiefInDaNight
[removed]
/u/Distant Past
/u/DrPorzingis
Dong Nguyen, the creator of Flappy Bird, couldnt handle the fame that came with the
success of the game. He pretty much quit the biz. Not sure if he got back into it or not.
/u/Adolf- -Hitler
From what I recall he earned enough money to never have to work again. Id be happy
to just quit the biz and live out the rest of my life rich and happy.
/u/LDM95
100
/u/fadetoblack1004
/u/Ijeko
And he made a ridiculously frustrating game that nobody in their right mind really wants
to play again after failing so many times in a row. Which makes making that much money
even more impressive
/u/sharknado3
101
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/justlove11
Wed just laid my uncle to rest and had a little silent moment on his grave. Cue ice cream
truck.
/u/obsessed2809
/u/AtreidesMedia
102
/u/SlickLogoGuy
Thanks AMTherapy!
/u/wjbc
Confirmation bias. Not the same as stupidity, brilliant people can be just as prone to
seek support for their preexisting beliefs as stupid people. And brilliant people may be
better at it, and just as blind to it.
103
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
[removed]
/u/speed dog
The ampersand. Its actually a little guy, rubbing his ass on the floor. Hes dragging
himself forward with his arms, and keeps his legs up. Look : &
104
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/funzo1031
All the people that have the exact same car as yourself.
105
#942 Whats okay to believe in your 20s, but just dies o
in your 30s?
2016-06-02 08:54:29
/u/The pinto mobile
/u/laterdude
/u/UndevelopedImage
Im only in my mid 20s, and already have learned to accept that most people in your life
are just passing through. You change, they change, life circumstances change. . . Just
have to accept it and move on.
[removed]
/u/juiceboxheero
Dr. Suess cheated on his wife who was dying of cancer, which caused her to commit
suicide. This is her suicide note:
Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I dont know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down
106
down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud
in my ears from every side I hear, failure, failure, failure. . . I love you so much . . . I
am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life
without you . . . My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked
and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed . . .
Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years . . .
/u/chuckDontSurf
/u/Jun snow
107
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Callaisla
No one cares. I constantly worry that Im too fat, my boobs are too small, I look stupid
at the gym if I dont know what Im doing, maybe Im not performing my absolute best
at work because Ive been a bit depressed. . . And as such, everyone is going to think
Im fat, stupid and useless. No one cares. Everyone is, for the most part, busy worrying
about their own issues. No one pays attention to me the way my worrisome brain seems
to think they do. Ive never once just looked at someone at the gym and thought what
an idiot, he clearly doesnt know how to do prone leg curls the RIGHT way or someone
who was overweight and thought what a useless sack of shit for no reason. I have
NEVER looked at another woman and thought her boobs are so small, thats awful. I
highly doubt EVERYONE who sees me is thinking the things Im so fretful they are. No
one cares. Not in that way anyway. And once you realize that, you can stop worrying
and start properly caring. Feelsgoodman.png
Edit: A few people have thanked me for helping them realize that others arent as focused
on their flaws as they thought as well and Im really happy to hear that! It was a comment
on Reddit some years ago that actually helped me start that line of thinking for myself,
too :) comes full circle hehe. And for the ones saying I do look at people and judge them
based on those things sorry fam, to each their own, but Im happy the majority dont
think like that. I can shrug o the few who do :3 OH and thank you for the goldies :D
108
/u/JustF-nGo
I sometimes take time out of my day to care about random people. Not the way you
described tho, just like, practicing empathy. I try to soak in as much as I can gather
about a person without making too many assumptions, and just try to appreciate the
fact that they are another human being with worries and fears. It kinda makes me feel
closer to them, especially if I reflect on the things in my life that make us similar, or ways
that I wish I was like them.
It helps remind me that were all in this together
Edit: thanks for the good vibes everyone. We all grok
/u/rideaspiral
I work in tax policy. One time on Reddit someone tried to prove I was wrong about tax
policy by citing a report I wrote.
109
/u/JumboJellybean
Similarly, I loved this programmer on Reddit angrily telling someone to go read their own
source code.
/u/Samura1 I3
/u/Fuego pants
Am a family lawyer. Cant even tell you how many times Ive had a client argue with
me about child support. Client gets mad because their brother/friend/coworker/whoever
had a much lower child support payment so it isnt fair and obviously I fucked up the
calculation. No, jackass. Yours is higher because you make more than your friend and
your kids are in daycare. Ive been doing this for many years and the calculation is
done by a computer. Im not using tea leaves and an abacus to calculate your support
payments.
Edit - hey! I got gilded! First time, and its not even a post about something embarrassing.
Woot!! Thanks!
Also, to everyone asking questions about how child support works, please understand I
cant give you any real advice. I dont know where you live or how the law works there.
Go see a lawyer where you live for real answers. I will try to answer the questions with
a general type of answer. Thats all I can give you.
Edit 2 - okay, yall, I get it - an abacus is a legitimate calculation tool if you know how
to use it. I dont.
110
Edit 3 - to be clear, I always explain the way child support is calculated and show the
math to clients. My problem is not with people asking questions - I am totally open to
questions and am happy to answer any questions a client may have. It is with clients
refusing to believe I know what I am doing.
/u/Fost2527
My SO is an MD.
One word.
0.2 Antivaxxers
111
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MrV2121
Ive always found that girls who ride horses regularly can also ride other things very well.
Though, them bitches be cray.
/u/Suspendedskinnykid
/u/Keep-reefer-illegal
They love that horse more than they will love you
/u/theluggagekerbin
the trick is to not compete with the horse but compliment complement its horsiness with
yours
112
/u/King Desmond
/u/HAPiper
If you can talk about sex frankly without blushing or getting self-conscious. You will
never get your needs met or be able to meet your partners needs if you cant even discuss
what those needs are.
/u/JoeyJoJoJrShabado
I need to put my pee-pee in her wee-wee. Its really not that complex, see.
/u/robbysaur
I broke up with a guy, because whenever he would talk about something sexual, or moan,
he would pretty much become a four-year-old. I would kiss his neck, and he would be
like, ohhhhh now I want you to suck my pee-pee. He did it every time too. I hoped it
would go away, but after like the third time I was done. He was 24. How you get to that
point thinking that is sexy is way the hell beyond me.
113
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/pastacosta
Im not cleaning up the mess that I made, thats the custodians job
/u/Klakson 95
ugh my flatmate.
Flatmate: drops cheese on floor, looks at cheese, walks away from said cheese
Me: Are you going to pick that up?
Flatmate: If it bothers you then you should do it, it doesnt bother me
/u/TheVictorsValiant
114
/u/AyoBruh
/u/TomBombadilOnASegway
Any of them.
pls give me attention
Edit: Thanks stranger! I have now gotten my first gold by literally begging for attention.
Never change reddit.
srsly tho I feel validated now
115
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MrVulgarity
We had a teacher that would always threaten to phone our home if we were misbehaving.
Which she promptly stopped after: Teacher: What would your mother say if I called
home right now? Student: She would say hello.
/u/improbablewobble
I wasnt in the class but my buddy swears that one time his history teacher called a
students mother because he was sleeping in class. He said the teacher got all the parents
numbers at the beginning of the year. I went to a mostly black school, and evidently this
kid had one of those stern black moms. Anyway, the teacher doesnt say a word to the
kid, whos asleep. He quietly told the mom he was sleeping in class and would she like
to have a word with him about that. He holds the cell phone to the kids ear and she
fucking GOES OFF. My buddy said you could hear her across the room. That poor kid
spent the rest of the day walking the Green Mile.
116
/u/skyvex1
/u/weealex
BOY, HAVE YOU LOST YO DAMN MIND?! WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING IN
CLASS?! I WORK MYSELF TO THE BONE SO YOU CAN GET YOURSELF AN ED-
UCATION AND YOU SLEEP THROUGH IT?!! LORD JESUS GIVE ME STRENGTH.
IF YOU CANT GIVE ME A FUNCTIONAL DEMONSTRATION OF A MANDEL-
BROT SET WHEN YOU GET HOME, IMA TAN YOUR HIDE.
/u/LookingForBearFacts
/u/Braden0732
I have an active fantasy roster of retail and service workers I have encountered in my
town who I will be drafting to my business once I make it a reality. I dont know what
business I would operate, but I have spent hours cataloging my ideal fantasy work force.
The meat guy from Ralphs has some serious hustle and I can tell he gives it 100% at his
job even though he hates it? Hes drafted, poaching him day 1.
That server at the cafe that always goes the extra mile by oering my girlfriend cracked
pepper on her salad? Fantasy drafted.
117
The girl at the car wash who is doing homework between cars but always smiles and
does her best to make small talk even though she is crunching for finals? Put her on the
fantasy roster.
My dream is to somehow come into a ton of money, start a business and walk up to each
of these people and tell them to quit their jobs and come work for me. I would double
their pay and put them through college because I know they bust ass, even if they dont
think anyone was noticing.
/u/DaughterEarth
They always act surprised when a person cant aord something or has the cheaper
version. Its not callous either, and thats the dead giveaway. They clearly just cannot
imagine such a reality.
At least this is what I observed being the poor kid with rich friends (mom was big on the
company you keep motto).
An example: my FIL agrees to help fix my trunk. Spends the entire time talking about
how cheap and crappy my car is, clearly zero awareness that its the most expensive thing
I had ever owned.
118
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#928 What was cool in 5000 B.C. thats still cool now?
2016-05-22 21:43:09
/u/n0th3rThr0waway
/u/otisthetowndrunk
Pyramid schemes
119
#927 What was cool in 5000 B.C. thats still cool now?
2016-05-22 19:48:58
/u/n0th3rThr0waway
/u/snezima23
/u/Master of Goats
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! Contacting us is too much of a wild card to speculate, but it is incredibly
likely that we will know at least if life exists on other planets in the next decade or two.
This is because extrasolar planet studies has gotten to the point where you can even detect
chemical compositions in atmospheres, and if you find some they are dead giveaways for
life. The reason this is boring to many though is this doesnt tell you if said life is a
bacterium or a civilization far ahead of us, usually.
I personally think life is likely to be discovered elsewhere similar to how water was dis-
covered on Mars- at first some evidence that doesnt convince many, then more and more
as time goes on so the truth is not disputed. This is, after all, how most of science goes!
But its not very Hollywood for most people.
120
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/edent
My grandfather died. The funeral was a solemn aair, as these things usually are. My
grandmother, naturally, was distraught. Theyd married during the war, hed been cap-
tured and sent to a POW camp, they then spent over fifty blissful years together.
We were chatting about my grandfather with her - laughing, crying, reminiscing - when
entirely out of the blue she said, One thing I wont miss is sleeping next to him. He
always rolled over and nearly pushed me out of bed!
A few years later she died as well. Its hard to carry on when the life you knew for
half-a-century has been ripped apart.
As per her wishes, she was to be buried next to her husband. We dutifully trudged down
to the cemetery, held a small ceremony, and escorted her body to the grave.
The double-headstone had already been half-filled with my grandfathers details. Un-
derneath the blank half, a six-foot deep hole lay waiting. We slowly lowered my grand-
mothers con in.
It didnt fit.
There wasnt enough room in the grave for the bloody con!
Despite being dug on the correct side of the grave, somehow my grandfathers con had
conspired to shift under the earth and encroached on my grandmothers side.
The mourning party excused ourselves from the graveside while adjustments were made.
All of us giggling about how granddad had rolled over in his sleep again.
Well, it was preferable to thinking the gravediggers were too stupid to dig a correctly
sized hole in the ground!
121
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:)
/u/SeriouslyJustJoking
122
#923 What would you want 2 of but not 3?
2016-05-19 18:15:20
/u/RealLifeMun
/u/(deleted user)
parents.
/u/petersutcli
I always figured 3 parents wouldve been a perfect figure. If like you had parents that
were in a 3 way relationship all getting along. Extra income, more chance of one of them
being able to do something with you, help with homework etc.
Edit: Well thanks guys, I threw this idea out as a random thought and a lot of you have
said it actually works pretty damn well. Something Im seriously going to look into!
/u/TalkingFromTheToilet
I really never thought of how more than two parents would work out but this sounds
awesome. Lets start a 3 parent cult!
123
/u/Thebeckmane
Serial killers. Im absolutely horrified by the things they are able to do and I think they
are awful. But It fascinates me seeing what lead to their crimes and what makes them
dierent from regular people.
/u/jarredkh
/u/Stockholm-Syndrom
124
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/HowDamnOriginal
/u/Pharrun
/u/Terleif
http://i.imgur.com/DaGBc84.gifv
/u/fuckyoubullshitter
Their bites can be worse than a dog. It will fuck you up.
125
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/andupitt
126
/u/iammonkeybutter
When my daughter was 4, we went to a local food pantry to pick up my friend who
volunteered there. We were early, so we sat in the waiting area.
She started noticing people coming out with bags of food, and whined loudly: Mama,
Im so hungry! Noticing the woman at the check-in desk had heard, I smiled at my devil
spawn and said, No youre not. You just ate. Now shh.
But Maamaa, Im soooo hungryyy I shushed her again. This only led her to whine
louder. Mama, please get me some food like those people! Im SO HUNGRY!!!
At this point, the lady from the desk came over and said to me, Would you like to sign
in? We have plenty of food for you. I smiled and told her no thank you, that we were
only waiting for a friend. During this short conversation, my little cooch fruit kept up
little whining noises, interspersed with whispers of so hungry.
The woman obviously believed Satan Junior was starving, ignoring her pudgy little arms
and squishy cheeks. She laid her hand on my arm and in her most you have nothing to
be ashamed of voice said, You have nothing to be ashamed of. Lets get you signed in.
I smiled thinly, and told the woman We are fine. Im just waiting for my friend who
volunteers here. My daughter isnt hungry. I just fed her eggs and toast not half an hour
ago.
To which my crotch dropping replied VERY loudly, NU-UH!! I aint had nun but
bread an butter for FREE DAYS!!!!!
The woman immediately turned around and walked through the door behind her desk,
and returned a few moments later with six bags full of food on a cart. She walked directly
to the door and demanded that I show her the way to my car. She wouldnt let me get
a word in to tell her how unnecessary it was. She just kept interrupting me with which
car?
I finally sighed loudly and walked her to my car and watched her load the backseat with
groceries while my sexually transmitted disease danced about happily, singing, Thank
you SO MUCH lady! I love you! Thank you for the fooooooood!
At this point, my friend finally came out of the building and walked to the car. I was
very relieved, and told her, Michelle! Thank GOD. Please let this kind woman know
that we have plenty of food at my house, and that this isnt necessary!
At which point Michelle immediately picked up my child and held her close and said, with
a wicked gleam in her eye, Now, iammonkeybutter, I told you we could help. Just let
go of your pride and let us help you!
The desk lady placed the last bag in the car and slammed the door in triumph, smiled
at me and turned to hand the traitor child a box of cupcakes and told her, Here you go,
precious. You can eat now. and walked away as I stood trying to glare burning holes
into my so-called friend and daughter.
*edit: spelling
edit: Holy crap, people! Instead of replying to comments, here you go:
The nicknames: I always introduced her as my spawn. As she got older, she started
begging me to stop calling her that. So I started calling her my crotch dropping. When
she complained, I moved on to my cooch fruit, and it just continued until she gave up
complaining and asked me to go back to spawn.
The food: Michelle took the food back into the pantry before we left, except for the
cupcakes, which were welded to the demons hands, so we let her keep them.
The gold: Thank you, random Redditor!
127
The truth: Yes, this really happened. No, I dont know what kind of information
the food pantry needed (I assume proof of address, as that is what most around here
want), but the desk lady apparently decided my starving child trumped her need for
information.
The poem: Holy crap, thank you, /u/Poem for your sprog I feel honored
/u/Jaded IT Guy
I recently changed my schedule to 4 10 hour shifts. I work Friday thru Monday, so today
is kinda my friday and that makes me happy
/u/Irememberedmypw
/u/Jaded IT Guy
Having 3 casual fridays makes it all worth it. Plus missing the shit storm that is the
middle of the week
128
/u/Bamboozle
I would kill for this. I loathe dress clothes, especially the shoes.
/u/Mr-Nancy
Switched jobs from where I wore a suit and tie everyday to a job where I can wear cut-o
jean shorts without anybody raising an eyebrow. It was worth the pay cut.
Edit: Both jobs are me being an attorney, but I moved from a traditional firm to a
software company. Yes, Im wearing jean shorts right now.
Edit 2: Damn, lots of jort haters.
#916 What are some weird, real life X-files type myster-
ies?
2016-05-14 18:48:43
/u/Sadlyalone
/u/gentleman bronco
/u/hansn
If I were living in a lighthouse on a remote and otherwise uninhabited rocky island in the
129
Outer Hebrides in the early 20th Century, I probably wouldnt bother routinely locking
my door either. I feel like the probability of break ins is pretty low.
Edit:Spelling
/u/RealLifeFry
I describe PTSD to people in a way similar to this. It makes you feel like you want to
lock your door even if you lived on a deserted island.
/u/pizzanice
Shit. That really drove home how scary PTSD must be for victims.
/u/RealLifeFry
I check my windows, doors, and closet every night. I wake up in the middle of the night
convinced someone is standing over me. Luckily I live in a state that has legal marijuana
and I have used that to help out. Works better then any prescription drug the VA has
given me. Only way I can get 6 hours of sleep a night. If you know anyone who suers
from it through the any traumatic event, let them know youre there for them. Didnt
mean to make this long but I am very passionate with PTSD especially with veterans.
130
#915 Morning people of Reddit, what makes you get up
so early?
2016-05-14 18:15:57
/u/thefrozen one
/u/RoboticHam
#914 Look at the last text you sent. These are now the
words on your gravestone. What does yours say?
2016-05-12 22:12:18
/u/BassNotBombs
[removed]
/u/ChickFishing
Mum im lost
131
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/baardvark
/u/TheDiggityDoink
132
guys their lives, so when they get a chance to actually go after someone they will do
so with a zeal indescribable in the English language. They will stop you, that much is
without question. The only question is whether you are brought in with a giant chunk
taken out of your ass or not. Choice is yours.
If you are being chased by police who brought out the K9 unit, know this: you WILL
be caught and arrested. Its up to you whether you are arrested with minimal long-term
discomfort.
The choice is whether youre arrested with a chunk of your ass miss-
ing or not.
/u/lemaao
Electricity. That shit will fuck you up. People dont understand what kind of forces are
in play, but it is ridiculous how dangerous it can be.
133
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
AKA: be careful, K?
People who can never, ever be on time. They always have an excuse or just laugh about
it. Ive quit being friends with people because of that.
My aunt is one of those people. Shes gonna be late for her own funeral.
/u/AMvariety
Doing the thing that comes after you say hey everyone watch this
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#908 What will be the turns out cigarettes are bad for
us. of our generation?
2016-05-07 01:58:54
/u/gralindsay
/u/tehmlem
Our living and working habits. The incredible population density of our cities and sub-
urban living spaces exacerbates stress and conflict from any source. As for work, its not
the hours, its the culture. It seems like most people in America are working without any
sense of investment in their community and without any hope of loyalty or worthwhile
reward from their employer. Without these, work is a soul draining, body wrecking en-
deavor. You need to be engaged and invested in your work or all youre doing is selling
pieces of your life and no one feels good about that. The confusion about the mental
health crisis in America seems to stem from a refusal to consider these factors as valid
sources of anxiety and ennui.
Edit: to those who just learned the word ennui: its pronounced on-we (roughly). I spent
years looking like an ass because I never bothered to look up the pronunciation. Dont
be like me.
Edit 2: There are three themes in the comments I want to respond to without typing a
hundred dierent comments.
1) Many of the responses seem to boil down to Im pleased with the situation, so
why are you unhappy? If youve done well for yourself and carved out a life thats
rewarding, Im glad for you! That said, your satisfaction is not my satisfaction. Nor
is it a consolation to the millions of Americans who are living desperate, miserable
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lives.
2) Yes, things used to be worse. No, thats not a reason to not want them to get better.
/u/vipros42
If you bring us problems we will oer solutions. That is our way of showing that we have
listened and that we care.
edit: holy crap, someone gilded this? thanks anonymous stranger!
edit again: triple gold, well fuck me!
also, for clarity: I have a great relationship with my wife, and listen to her problems
oering solutions when they are asked for. For the purposes of this thread I have been
playing devils advocate.
/u/AlphaAgain
THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE WINNER!
I cant begin to say how many times my SOs in the past have gotten pissy because I
didnt just, listen to what they were saying, but always had to oer some advice they
didnt want.
News flash.
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Men do not work that way. We will not discuss a problem without discussing a solution.
/u/vipros42
if you read the opposite version of this question, what should men know about women,
loads of the responses are complaining that men should just listen rather than oer
advice.
I wonder (in those situations) why men should accept that women dont want advice,
rather than women should accept that men deal with those situations by oering advice. . .
/u/aguyinbrooklyn
/u/SketchyConcierge
/u/Fimpish
And it was so simple all along. But this honestly never occured to me before.
Im listening, I said.
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#906 What is it completely impossible to look cool doing?
2016-05-05 17:58:47
/u/thestunnedgrapefruit
/u/tiger9910
/u/stengebt
I saw someone taking pictures with an iPad at a concert. As if having a phone in the air
isnt bad enough.
/u/3shirts
I saw someones ipad get hit with a cup of piss at a festival a couple of years ago. It was
beautiful. I am pretty sure it was just bad (or good, depending on your perspective) luck
rather than a deliberate statement but it was brilliant to see anyway.
/u/Se7ensins20
How does one accidentally get hit with a cup of piss? Are there Random flying cups of
piss around you often?
/u/3shirts
At festivals, yes! People get to a good spot in the crowd and dont want to leave to go to
the bathroom so they piss in a cup and throw it. Not pleasant but not unusual either.
EDIT: Wow, so it seems like its just us dirty Brits that do this.
/u/SuchCoolBrandon
/u/1-800-DIK-BUTT
/u/746865626c617a
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/fliengineer
/u/bananapeople
For me this normally has three steps; Try to stop ball with foot, accidentally squash it,
find new ping pong ball.
#904 What did you learn from your first real relationship?
2016-05-05 00:46:04
/u/deadlyz6
/u/pistachiomun
That the both of you can be perfectly good people, but that doesnt always mean youre
good for each other. And thats okay.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/NyteMyre
/u/kasper12
According to the Wikipedia, there were also Japanese mines on the island as well. The 191
that went missing was said to be because of friendly fire, booby traps and environmental
causes.
/u/BlatantConservative
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MPC56
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#901 What is an experience or achievement that you wish
you could brag about, but cant because either you dont
know anyone who would appreciate it, or it reveals a secret
interest?
2016-04-29 19:11:36
/u/TheSexiestGirae
/u/ThePeoplesBard
Ive written over a thousand songs for complete strangers on the internet. Most people
in my life dont even know I own a guitar. I dont think they would appreciate how much
songwriting means to me. And I dont need my coworkers to hear some of these songs,
which sometimes are super dark and vulgar (as reddit likes).
/u/kooknboo
My now wife and I were dating in college in the early 80s. One night we went out to a
party where she proceeded to get black out drunk.
The next morning I asked her if she remembered the little organ grinder monkey giving
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her tittie twisters. She didnt believe me at first so she asked my roommate. He was
always on his game and confirmed it without hesitation. He even added to the story a
bit.
All 100% complete bullshit. No tittie loving monkey to be had.
Fast forward 30+ years. Its now a family legend. She tells everyone about it. Par-
ents/siblings/children/friends have heard the story dozens of times. It invariably comes
up at every family gathering. People hearing it for the first time howl with laughter
because she has the rap down cold by now and delivers it with skill. Those that have
heard it repeatedly just cringe and roll their eyes.
Im the only one (besides roommate whom I havent seen in 20+ years) that knows its
all bullshit. Im scared to tell her the truth, so I wrote her a sealed letter and put it in
my will.
EDIT: So the response ITT has me thinking. Im going to fess up to one of my brothers
and see what he says. Hes the most likely to stumble on this thread anyway. Although
thats highly unlikely. My suspicion is that hes going to shit himself silly with laughter.
Hell keep the secret to his grave if thats the way we decide to roll. As a joke, he and his
wife used to get my wife some type of organ grinder monkey thing each Christmas. My
Mom got fed up because it wasnt a Christmassy spirit type of thing with younger kids
around, so they stopped.
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/u/roguetroll
Gents, when you ever meet a girl that for some reason falls for you head over heels, and
worships the ground you walk on, be very careful when she asks you whether you love
her.
Im now married to her for four years and shes so god damn adorable that I dont have
the heart to tell her Im not sure. ( )
/u/-eDgAR-
/u/PterPansen
took me a while to realize the bottom lip is not what it seems to be :] gets far more
hilarious then. thanks!
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Im photoshopping cock.
[removed]
/u/cooze08
Dont ever take people for granted that genuinely care about you
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/u/Poem for your sprog
146
/u/PM TITS FOR A POEM
[removed]
147
/u/cooze08
Dont ever take people for granted that genuinely care about you
148
And show me as the rift.
149
#895 What is your golden rule?
2016-04-26 17:13:52
/u/aftabiqbal
[removed]
/u/cooze08
Dont ever take people for granted that genuinely care about you
150
But dont yourself a valley make,
When you rise ever high;
Dont force yourself to bend and break,
So you might share my lie.
Youre far too good to be the vale,
Which makes my goodness lift.
You must escape my friendships jail,
And show me as the rift.
[removed]
/u/cooze08
Dont ever take people for granted that genuinely care about you
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And others too in makeup hide;
Though setting sun may take skys blue,
The azure truth has not yet died:
Behind the dance, emotion lies,
And there youll find your staring friend.
Though curtain calls you might despise,
Dont let the act, your caring, end.
#893 (NSFW) What was the first time you learned you
were into your kink?
2016-04-24 15:52:32
/u/PM ME GIANTESSES
/u/fuckswithducks
I was a horny pre-teen lying in bed one night. I was making out with my rubber ducky
like a normal night back then when I felt a sudden instinctive urge to rub it on my penis.
I had never masturbated before and I dont think I knew what masturbation so I was
very confused but pleased with myself. I continued to do that for a couple years until my
poor ducky practically fell apart. These days Im much more careful with them.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
quack.
/u/duggy747
/u/LicenceToBill
Read Dead Redemption handled this perfectly! For anyone who hasnt played it, by
holding A (on xbox) your horse would follow right behind the horse in front. Meanwhile
there was usually plot based conversation going on between you and the NPC so you
werent bored during the journey.
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/u/Steeleface
So many things done right in that game but that feature was almost the most innovative
despite being the smallest.
I quit.
[Link]
/u/Rexcase
it think 2016 is going to go down in history as the most devastating year in music. so
many great artists lost.
/u/Longtime lurker2
/u/forkl
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/u/Lorenzo Canyon
/u/BustaNutShot
/u/NotSaved
Not pushing harder to be myself and letting my fear of others expectations define me.
Edit: Thank you for the kind words, this was a wonderful thing to wake up to.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#889 Parents of porn stars, how did you find out your
child does porn and how has it aected your relationship?
2016-04-19 18:22:55
/u/SenorCabbage
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/LatviaSecretPolice
(f/22)
Is this her?
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:(
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#887 Teachers of Reddit: Have you ever had a real genius
in class? What made him/her so smart?
2016-04-17 17:34:48
/u/Matth1as
/u/PotRoastPotato
A kid in standard Algebra II who never did a lick of homework but made 100s on every
test. I talked to him and he said he didnt see the point in wasting his time in homework
when he already knew how to do the problems.
A month or two into the year I told him Id just make his test average his grade. I also
had a talk with him to say that sometimes in life you can cut to the chase when you know
your stu. . . but sometimes you still have to jump through hoops that seem stupid even
when you dont see the point (to those sayung thats a bad thing to say to an intelligent
kid, try starting a business or patenting your game-changing invention without getting
the proper government permits, etc.) and even when there might not be a point. That
even though Im giving him a break, sometimes you have to do your homework even
when it seems unnecessary.
Aside: I later taught Information Technology, and I told the kids that if they earned
their industry certification at the end of the year (A+ or Microsoft Technology Associate
depending on grade level) Id change their grades so they get an A for the year. . . because
earning the certification proves mastery of the concepts I was teaching. Had a 70-80%
pass rate and I really think this policy had something to do with that. . . It motivated
the kids to work hard and I almost never had to change a grade.
/u/up syndrome
Do schools not allow high school students to take placement tests for these courses any-
more? Seems like it was wasting everyones time for the kid to be in that class.
/u/T03M
/u/squidracer
/u/magnora7
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/u/RunningBoss
Back in 1st grade my teacher made me stop reading Harry Potter because it was making
some kids feel bad.
/u/PlayThatFunkyMusic69
/u/karliekisbae
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/YourBlogSucksToo
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/chalk passion
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#883 what was the hardest decision you had to make in
a video game ?
2016-04-08 15:32:17
/u/vish9u
/u/Wombat789
Pick up item and have to walk back to sell it, or leave it and be able to run back and sell
all my other shit? Just kidding, pick it up. Every time.
Edit: 4500 points, Im over encumbered now
Edit 2: 4750 points, PC setmaxweight 5000
Should be good to go now.
/u/huyzee
/u/1mikeg
Welp, guess its time to finally eat those fifty cheese wheels.
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#882 what was the hardest decision you had to make in
a video game ?
2016-04-08 14:00:59
/u/vish9u
/u/Itanagon
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#881 What is something youre not proud of but you
continue to do?
2016-04-07 18:33:03
/u/Luiden
/u/m50d
Going to bed late. Its so stupid, it ruins the whole next day, and most of the time Im
pretty good at getting to bed on time, but sometimes when I have a lot to do like this
week I get trapped in a loop of staying up late, being unable to get anything done the
next day, and staying up late to finish what I needed to do.
/u/babblelol
There is a podcast called Sleep with Me where a guy tells a story that doesnt go anywhere
and hes always getting side tracked with a monotone voice. So youre trying to focus on
the story, which stops you from thinking about the rest of the week, but its so boring
you just end up falling asleep.
He considers them bed time stories for adults.
/u/HereForTheCats
My SO is a software engineer and does exactly this for me. In a really soft voice, hell
tell me all about data structures, protocols, and other C.S. things I vaguely recognize but
dont care enough about to follow. It helps me fall asleep every time.
/u/bandersnatchh
Plot twist- not on purpose, and hes left with crippling self doubt every night
/u/Sample Name
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/mattreyu
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/ipoopinthebathroom
Escort here, an Asian man asked me to lift my skirt so that my thigh was exposed and
asked to take o my shirt, ok normal so far I thought. Then he pulled o his pants and I
was like yea its get down time. He then proceeded to lick and kiss my right armpit and
rub himself on my thigh. It took every bit of power to not burst out laughing. He came
about 4 minutes later and asked me how I was doing then asked me to leave. It was easily
the most fun Ive had on the job
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[removed]
/u/starstarstar42
When I was very young, I got mad and called my mom the c word once. Me and my
friends had learned the word from other kids and had started using it for the shock eect.
Well, it slipped out in anger and though I instantly regretted it, pride (and fear) got in
the way of me apologizing immediately. Ive always regretted that because my mother
and father were the kindest, humblest, most caring people imaginable.
Anyway, my mother was instantly horrified. She just stood there stunned for a moment
and then started crying. My father ran in at the sound of her sobs and heard from her
what happened. The look on his face haunts me to this day; sadness mixed with disbelief
and some other unnamed emotion between rage and hopelessness.
From this came an event that changed my life forever.
He and my mom spoke to each other out of earshot of me, she still sobbing quietly. We
were a religious household and this was a monumental breakdown of all the values they
had tried to instill in me. The only part of their conversation I overheard was him telling
her to leave the house for 30 minutes. She began crying even more after hearing his plans.
She came over to me, knelt down and kissed me on my cheek, transferring her tears to
my own face in the process. She quietly whispered, I love you, and I forgive you before
leaving.
My dad took me down to the basement (where no sounds could escape). He took out his
favorite leather belt. I remember that belt in ultra-vivid detail. It was brown braided
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leather, Polo by Ralph Lauren no less. It had a heavy silver buckle on it with intricate
stampings.
He said something that I remember to this very day. . . Son, I love you beyond words,
and so does your mother. You broke her heart, and youve broken mine. There has to be
a punishment, and it has to be one you can never, ever, forget.
I was close to pissing my pants at this point. My dad is a huge man. He proceeded to
pull an ottoman bench over and take o his shirt. He then instructed me to lash his back
with his own belt for the next 10 minutes solid. If I did not try to hit him as hard as I
could, Id have to hit him twice as many times he told me.
Long story short, I was CRYING my eyes out two minutes into this. His back was raw
and angry red all over, but the point had been made, and made forever. This is what it
felt like to hurt someone you love and who loves you back.
I do not begrudge my father for this life lesson. In fact, I thank God every day for him
having had the presence of mind to teach me something that so few kids learn these days;
to love AND respect. One without the other is pointless. Those you care about wont
be around forever so you have to cherish them at every step and do your best not to
intentionally hurt them.
My father never once hit me in my whole life, and he never had to as you can see. Im
proud to say I grew up confident and respectful as a result. He was the wisest man Ive
ever met, and likely will ever meet.
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/u/-Mannequin-
/u/expaticus
The Shining was actually just a couple of guys with cameras following him around for a
few days.
/u/ReneeRGomes
/u/T- - - -
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Burst-Apart
Having a relationship with your best friend; afterwards youre left single and friendless.
170
#874 What do you wish was socially acceptable?
2016-03-23 15:47:52
/u/TooShiftyForYou
/u/vulturewomen
:(
/u/stuckinverse
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/logallama
0.3 NOPENOPENOPENOPE
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#871 What is your wrong place at the wrong time
story?
2016-03-20 16:45:43
/u/-cDJ-
/u/Vaginabond
This happened to a coworkers son, he was outside smoking a cigarrette and apparently
there was a police chase going on that he didnt know about. The police dog jumped
over the fence into his backyard and attacked him, really messed up his arm from what
i understand. The cops end up throwing him in the police car, after realizing that they
had the wrong guy they let him go and literally told him Well maybe you should have
stayed inside. Hes currently going through a lawsuit with them and is probably going
to get a big settlement, because they never even filed a police report or anything.
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#870 Which quote becomes inappropriate when misat-
tributed?
2016-03-19 18:35:53
/u/pierrekrahn
/u/e4u3
Some people are born great and some have greatness thrust upon them -
Monica Lewinsky
/u/newgatsbyfitness
/u/BARACK-OLI
Bill Clinton.
/u/LunaticSongXIV
It depends on what the meaning of the word is is. If theif heif is means is and never
has been, that is notthat is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely
true statement.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Sick-Girl
When I was a newborn my biological father tried to kill me by choking me. It happened
in my grandmothers kitchen and my mom bopped him over the head wth a frying pan
and stabbed him with one of those hot dog pokers you use on the grill. Hes always been
a real big piece of shit.
*edit- I seriously had no idea when I woke up that this would blow up and now I kinda
feel weird that I posted it. Thanks to whoever gave me gold! and also No hes not dead
unfortunately, yes this really happened among some other crazier shit. My mom was
arrested but released for the stabbing. He started to stalk her after she left him and my
step-dad actually shot him when he broke into our house a few years later. Hes now
living in LA on Skid Row so I dont see him anymore, actually havent seen him since I
was a toddler. Oh and forgot to add, he tried to kill me because he thought I was not his
child, he thought my mom cheated on him.
/u/ebonyfaye
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/u/Good Hunter
/u/NewsiesOnAMission
My cousin tried to drown me a few years ago. Wed been on bad terms for years; she
beat me up constantly when we were kids and she sabotaged my work a few times in high
school. I never fought back because she was absolutely fucking crazy and I figured she
was special. About three years ago I dated a guy she was interested in (didnt know
she was into him) and that was the final straw as she put it. So she decided to kill me
by dragging me into the pool in her backyard and holding me underwater until I blacked
out (shes easily twice my size/weight so it was the easiest way for her, and she could just
blame my death on drowning by accident).
Anyways, she successfully held me underwater until I stopped breathing, then got out of
the pool and sat in a deck chair to watch the show. My friend found me and he genuinely
thought I was dead. He dragged me out of the water and did CPR, and that probably
saved my life.
If youre wondering where psychopath cousin was for that whole ordeal, she was still
sitting there in her pink flamingo deck chair, smiling like Norman fucking Bates.
Charges were pressed, and insanity was pled (which was probably accurate anyways).
I do not really talk to that side of the family much anymore.
Edit: Well my inbox is fucked. A lot of people are saying this is made up because she
didnt get punished, so I guess I should clarify some stu. She had a history of mental
illness, and was prone to violence. I obviously dont keep in touch, but Im 99% certain
shes not all there in the head. Since she didnt actually kill me, she had two options,
jail time or therapy in an institution. She picked therapy and still has check ins once a
week. Thats honestly all I can give you. If anyone here is a cop/judge/whatever, maybe
you can give your perspective on it.
Thanks to those who expressed concern. This was a long time ago and Im over it, but I
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saw this thread and though Hey! One I can actually contribute to! Thanks for reading
:)
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/NewsiesOnAMission
lol those fuckers took her side too because I shouldnt have stolen her crush. I just. . . I
dont even. . . what?!
/u/Ivysub
Im going to go out on a limb here and say that her family may have contributed to her
psycho behaviour with attitudes like that. . .
/u/The-SpaceGuy
My friend who is a pizza guy told he asked his manager to ban a house because they
always wants him to wait until they eat first slice and then complain pizza is not well
made and asks for some discount or coupon and ends up not paying tip acting angry.
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/u/jp jellyroll
What a risky move on the customers part. I mean, pissing o people who make your
food, deliver your food, and know exactly where you live seems kind of stupid. That
would be the very first house to get targeted on Halloween, if you know what Im saying.
#866 What was totally NOT A PHASE for you, but ended
up being a phase?
2016-03-13 19:40:06
/u/pm-your-panty-colour
/u/unc54
Relevant username.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/JoshuaHaines
My mom taught me how to shave. Still have the smoothest legs out of anyone I know.
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#864 Redditors who grew up filthy rich, what did you
think was normal till your learned otherwise?
2016-03-05 16:59:55
/u/FrenchWoodChesse
/u/cmairee
/u/DoctorPotatoe
Also, apparently 6 year olds arent supposed to like tartare or oysters on the
half shell.
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#863 What is a piece of your personal philosophy that
youd like to share?
2016-03-04 18:04:26
/u/thefubit
[removed]
/u/blackeyesamurai
My dad put it to me never haul cocaine with a busted taillight I think its the same
sentiment
181
/u/b1polarbear
I sent my wife a cock shot a few years back. It was taken with a DSLR and posed in a
somewhat artsy way with shallow depth of field and nice diused lighting. As nice as a
cock shot can be.
I have, not a huge cock, but bigger than most guys. But in the photo it looks massive.
She sent it to her friend like, Look what Ive got. Her friend posted it in a Facebook
group. Someone, or several someones, saved it and posted it all over the fucking internet.
I occasionally see my cock on imgur, Bing images, even Facebook. People re-post it on
Reddit. Ive seen it on ads for penis growth products and gay hookup sites. Its weird to
see it in new places.
Thankfully its all cock. Nothing else. Even my balls are defocused. You certainly cant
tell who it belongs to.
/u/FUCITADEL
/u/patchgrrl
/u/SanshaXII
My dick n balls are all over the Newgrounds forums, like eight-ten years ago.
I was utterly shameless about it. Someone even tried to blackmail me with them so I
took more pics and posted them errwhere.
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/u/MisterKanister69
/u/SanshaXII
I play hardball.
Well, soft balls and hard. . . yknow.
My dick n my balls.
/u/webby mc webberson
sex with my gfs mom. shes been flirting with me like crazy and Im going over to help
her with the computer. gf is away.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Fuxagon
I was on a register at work and a woman and her daughter came through my line. Im 19
and the daughter was at least my age, quite possibly a little older.
Her mom wouldnt stop fussing at her from the very beginning.
put your stu on the counter
she said hi, say hi back
Now take your card out
Jesus, swipe your card
enter your pin number now, god
Essentially telling the daughter what to do at every instant, even if the daughter was
already doing it or about to. Then the mom turns to me and smiles and says Im
teaching her valuable life skills.
This is probably venturing more into narcissistic mother territory rather than a sheltering
one, but I feel like not allowing freedom of action or thought is a component of being
sheltering.
Regardless, I cringed the entire time and felt so sorry for the daughter.
Edit: A lot of people are saying the daughter may have been autistic. Im not going to
try to rule that out or anything, but judging by her mannerisms and the way she looked
at me and the little talking she did, she honestly didnt appear to be. If she did have
autism, she must have been on the functioning side of the spectrum, and I really dont
think she actually needed the instructions from her mother. Although, if she did have
autism, perhaps her mother didnt have the best understanding of it and decided she
needed to direct her daughter on how to do everything. Or thats just her personality.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#858 What quote has actually stuck with you and changed
your life?
2016-02-27 19:44:42
/u/andiswearrrr
/u/palebluedoll
If youre the smartest person in the room, youre in the wrong room.
/u/DrShocker
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#857 Whatever happened to the person you lost your
virginity to?
2016-02-25 15:45:02
/u/timmeejr
/u/yellowelephant88
/u/beautifulsole
I like to think you did such a bad job, you scared her o cock for life.
Edit: My very own sprog poem for my sprog. Eat your hearts out plebs.
186
/u/FoghornsLeghorns
My best friend from School is now doing up to 20 years in prison for rape. Im not all
that sad for him because if youre going to rape someone then you totally deserve the full
force of the law - But he has two young children who suddenly are left without a dad.
Not long before that, his brother committed suicide, too. I feel terrible for his mother,
losing both of her boys in the space of a year. I also feel terrible for his victim, and for
his children.
/u/JRH 07
I recently was on a jury for a case where a married man, with 3 young boys, had led a
double life, where 6 girls (ranging between ages 7 and 26) had come forward about him
either sexually assaulting or raping them. The wife had backed him up saying hed never
do such a thing, and then as soon as she heard about what hed been doing to the girls,
she realised hed been doing exactly the same to her, but because they were married,
shed never considered it as rape.
All of his friends and family were so surprised by it, because he seemed like such a lovely
man. But through court appearances, his true self came out and they all realised they
had been manipulated.
We put him away for 21 years. And the only people I felt really bad for the throughout
the sentencing (not the court case), were his 3 little boys. Growing up and knowing what
your own dad did would be awful.
Of course, I felt dreadful for those girls, but the relief on their faces when they heard wed
found him guilty and hed never be able to touch them ever again, made the sadness on
those 3 boys faces stand out. Wed done exactly what we could for those girls. And that
will forever stay with me. But those boys, never seeing their dad again and being way
too young to understand why, did upset me a bit.
/u/Kopykatasshole
Honestly you get over it. My dad went to prison for rape, leaving me and my elder brother
with my mom. He was a pretty shitty absent father anyway, and I knew quite early on
why he was in there, but I missed him to begin with, and then not at all. My biggest
worry growing up was that Id end up like him.
When I had my own kids a couple of years ago, I swore that Id always make more of an
eort with them than he did with us. Around that time, I came accross this poem by
poem for your sprog on another account:
187
He taught me how to never call,
And how to hurt, but most of all -
My fathers lessons showed to me
The dad I didnt want to be.
It meant a lot to me then, and it still does. I still worry sometimes that Ill end up like
him - not raping anyone, of course, but just being a bad father. Cant shake that fear.
Youll do it right.
/u/Moonpiles
My friend Mike died of Pneumonia because he went outside without pants on in December.
It was 8th grade. Fuckin sucked.
/u/theRedditExpert
188
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/GlockTheDoor
189
/u/bbtvvz
The pledge of allegiance in American schools. It seems incredibly creepy and cultish to
me. Just as I would imagine Nazi Germany.
EDIT: Since people have been asking. . .
In 2008, I spent a semester in a smallish town in northern California. Im German and
any form of patriotism is frowned upon there. As you might expect, German schools talk
a lot about the Nazis in history class (feels like 50% of the history curriculum is about
that).
On my first day at an American high school, I was completely unprepared for this. I had
heard about the pledge at some point, but didnt actually expect it to be so common. So
there I was, new kid in class, unfamiliar with the language and the culture, thousands of
miles away from home, incredibly nervous. And then suddenly every single person in the
room stands up and starts reciting the same words. I didnt know what I was supposed to
do, so I just stood up and pretended like I was speaking along. It was weird, but at first I
assumed this was just for the beginning of the new school year or something. Except that
they did it every single day, and thats what made it so unsettling. And with my own
cultural background, its no surprise that it felt like a scene from a propaganda movie.
At my particular school, everyone was very serene about the whole ordeal. Could be
selection bias, since homeroom was an American history class. I suppose it might have
been a dierent experience if people had been obviously bored.
/u/Pteroptero
I moved to the US from the UK when I was 14ish. This was the biggest culture shock.
First day of school, Im already out of my element, dont know anyone etc, then the loud
speaker comes on, everyone stands in perfect synchronicity, and starts chanting at a flag
in robotic monotone. It was terrifying.
I love your country, but seriously what the fuck, america?
/u/DCJ3
It was in robotic monotone because (almost) nobody really wants to say it. Its like, lets
just mumble our way through this because we have to. Pretty much nobody takes it
seriously.
Asking students to recite the pledge daily is a bit silly, honestly. At best its disingenuous,
and at worst its indoctrination.
/u/mehehem
thats how i imagine people in dictatorships. oh the grand leader wants me to march in
a weird formation on his birthday? we dont want but we have to so we better look like
robots instead of getting problems.
190
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: since I posted this question, both Harper Lee and Umberto Eco (who appear in
this list several times) have been announced dead.
/u/ddrober2003
Harper Lee. I honestly thought To Kill a Mockingbird was written some time in the 19th
century, meaning that of course the author would be dead. But she is still alive and
kicking.
/u/greenstick3
http://whnt.com/2016/02/19/report-harper-lee-author-of-to-kill-a-mockingbird-dies/
/u/ddrober2003
Well. . . ..shit. . . .
/u/Berfanz
/u/Can of Cats
He killed her!
/u/patron vectras
191
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
He wrote a name.
A moment passed.
A seconds stony spell.
The dice of fate were cursed and cast,
And chance, ill-fated, fell.
/u/Whatsinthabox
Discovery channel. Some of us like to learn about stu via television. Instead now we are
watching men look for gold or freeze to death looking for crabs.
/u/toadofsteel
Hell, even Mythbusters in their heyday was still good science. Yes it was packaged for
popular media, but I came away from your average Mythbusters episode feeling like I had
learned something. There were kids that wanted to get into actual science when they
grew up just because of that show. . . and no, it wasnt just for the explosions.
/u/OhLookAnAirplane
Mythbusters had me mixing shit together like a scientist when I was little. And I dont
mean chemicals, I mean stirring up ice cream saying it was chemicals, or mixing several
nearly empty shampoos in the shower and calling it a new formula I made up.
I fucking loved that show, it made me feel like I could grow up and be a super cool
scientist.
Edit: Is this where I thank a mysterious redditor for the gold? DOES THIS MAKE ME
A PAID SCIENTIST NOW?
192
/u/SkipToTheEnd
I did the shampoo thing. Was really satisfying when you got a thick, creamy shampoo to
blend in with a translucent, shimmery shampoo, creating a sort of swirl.
I believe I was suspending an emulsion of Head and Shoulders in a solvent and maximis-
ing the conditioning element of Pantenne Pro V, thus creating a super-hybrid chimeric
solution that made your hairy shinier than a fucking supernova.
/u/OhLookAnAirplane
Look I made a bug repellent* shampoo! -Me after mixing together like 6 random near
empty bottles
*Results not tested
/u/quantum94
/u/dgoberna
193
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TurtleInATracksuit
Remaining battery li
/u/Gandalorpres
Hey! Me t
/u/haotaocheng
/u/Tuba4life1000
Glad you guys were able to hit submit before your phones shut o
194
/u/Ass cunt 666
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
For example, I sleep on my side. My brother sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps around.
That kind of thing.
195
For all her sleeping skill my ex is crowned,
She is a slutty queen that sleeps around
196
If mother spurns your nice but wordy plea,
Or notes, perhaps, the social airs you lack -
Your brothers always willing, waiting free.
I somewhere heard he sleeps upon his back.
Be brave. Be bold. Be true, my friend. Be you.
At least youll interact with someone new.
:)
197
#847 What is something that everyone does, but everyone
does dierently?
2016-02-13 15:42:51
/u/smidge
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
For example, I sleep on my side. My brother sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps around.
That kind of thing.
198
/u/PM TITS FOR A POEM
199
/u/PhantomX182
Sleep.
For example, I sleep on my side. My brother sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps around.
That kind of thing.
200
#845 What is one unwritten rule you think everyone
should know and follow?
2016-02-10 22:50:36
/u/Ovenproofcorgi
/u/britzka
Having a bad day doesnt mean that you have to ruin other peoples day.
/u/ask me if Im lying
/u/DinosaurPizzaParty
/u/adamrocks84
201
/u/JollyCoOptimus
#843 What NSFW thing have you seen in public that you
will NEVER forget?
2016-02-10 16:08:37
/u/tomgoodyear
Once when I was at an outdoor swimming pool in my tweens we were in a mixed group
playing with big inflatable tires in the water close to me. One of the girls climbed on top
near me and her bikini bottom got briefly stuck on the valve, giving me a brief full flash
of her pussy.
The image was burned in my mind, and years and years of masturbating to the image
has not diminished the hotness of the situation.
202
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Punstu-
Lord of the rings, Id love to see that fuckin eye get the ring while its floating past Jupiter.
/u/ParuppuFiction
I just had the thought of a couple of F-16s taking on the Nazgul and it made my day.
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
I just had the thought of a couple of F-16s taking on the Nazgul and it made my day.
http://i.imgur.com/DNp1ztt.jpg
203
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/AntonyLoveless
Im a scuba diver, and Ive knocked one out 1,000ft under the Atlantic.
(I was on board a Royal Navy nuclear hunter-killer submarine at the time though, so I
cant say it felt a great deal dierent to being on terra firma)
/u/TheAeolian
204
#840 What seemed 100% legit at the time?
2016-02-04 21:09:25
/u/HisDogKazak
/u/Supernova6
/u/Adolf- -Hitler
Dont be sad, she will probably end up loving someone else and be happy :)
:)
#839 What thing from the 90s do you think should make
a comeback?
2016-02-03 21:07:36
/u/FivePlus
/u/butterwurtch
The economy.
205
/u/cashcow1
/u/littlescatterbrain
That one sock is always turned just enough to be slightly uncomfortable no matter how
many times they adjust it
206
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#837 Whats the one advice you will give your son/daughter
someday?
2016-01-31 17:37:12
/u/MasterOldMind
/u/flimsyairplanes
207
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Xeizar
Fat
208
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Rojnova
/u/Mermelephant
/u/bamber79
About 46 of my Facebook friends sell that garbage. Everytime another one joins that
pyramid scheme I think Huh, I didnt realize that person was so stupid.
209
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
This is Chelsie.
Chelsies smart.
Chelsies sales are o the chart.
Chelsie needs a new recruit.
/u/Rojnova
/u/GavinRidley
Seriously fuck that meme. Its been around for years and it wasnt all that funny when
it first appeared. Chuckle worthy at most. But now were inundated with the most
uncreative and unimaginative posts, unoriginal parodies and stupid Facebook Be Like
Bill generators that honestly just shout, Im a cunt!
210
/u/afreakineggo
My friends dad woke him up once by pouring a gas can on him. When my friend realized
what was going on, his dad was lighting a match and threw it at him. . . . The gas can
was filled with water. Never overslept for school again.
/u/NotALickofSense
/u/way fairer
How to give your child body image issues: use real gasoline.
/u/cranberry94
/u/Minneapolis W
211
#832 Police of Reddit : What are your most fucked up
cases ?
2016-01-23 19:26:07
/u/Championman6000
/u/thepatman
I investigated a Catholic priest for molesting children. A church higher-up interfered with
the investigation, and then tried to use that interference as negotiating tactics for a plea.
When the churchs lawyer found out I was pushing to have the higher-up arrested, they
casually threatened to have me excommunicated.
Im Catholic on paper, but non-practicing, so it wasnt really an issue for me - but the
brazenness of it was fucked up. They were willing to wreck my religious life to protect a
molesting priest and his boss.
/u/kbgames360
As a Catholic, I am always disappointed that this happens within the church. I have
always wondered why the ones who do this get away with it. They shouldnt. Regardless
of who committed the crime, they need to do the time. If I was excommunicated for being
on the investigation, I think my families views of the Catholic Church would change.
Edit: I should add, I am very much against actions not only committed by priests and
religious ocials, but anyone who commits the crime. There are no excuses if you commit
the crime, and you should be punished for it, no matter who you are.
212
#831 Which persistent misconception/myth annoys you
the most?
2016-01-23 18:19:49
/u/adeebchowdhury
/u/fuckswithducks
Im tired of the belief that rubber ducks are just for kids. Throughout history, they have
had plenty of other functions and are much much more versatile than just a toy for babies.
Often when I try to buy a rubber duck in a store by myself Ill get weird looks or the
cashier will ask if Im going to a baby shower or something. Nope, Im going to put it in
my ass tonight!
/u/HalonCS
213
#830 Was there ever a secret passageway or secret
room at your home, school or workplace? Did you ever
find it? If so, what was there?
2016-01-22 19:32:28
/u/cptnhaddock
/u/ginger-in-the-wild
My high school had a vast network of tunnels starting under the stage. Found a sex
couch, 2 bongs, 40 years worth of set pieces and the original plans for a highway the cuts
through my town
TIL: Literally EVERYONE had tunnels under their high school. And I bet we all thought
our respective schools were unique for it lmao
/u/Steeleface
/u/HauschkasFoot
214
#829 What Industry isnt as Shady as We Might Think?
2016-01-18 23:48:03
/u/Snarky Slytherin
/u/Fredfredbug4
/u/darkestsoul
I hate the fact that Chipolte proudly shows they dont serve GMOs. Way to spread
bullshit fear mongering.
/u/(deleted user)
215
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/fuckswithducks
The porn industry. Theres a common misconception that porn sites give you viruses.
In reality, theyre just products like anything else and only the sites where you can
download/stream illegal uploads are sketchy.
On the filming side, most big studios require regular STD tests for their actors and have
a lot of guidelines about what they can/cant film. I have hired several fetish studios and
seen that they check that their models are comfortable with everything before accepting
any job, even if Im only asking for something simple like masturbating with a rubber
ducky.
216
#827 What industry is shadier than most people realise?
2016-01-18 17:36:29
/u/HTS1231
/u/themrpink
Umbrella manufacturing.
/u/souIIess
It wasnt really a blaze, but I worked in a big oil company and was about to switch jobs
due to a better oer.
Somehow through connections I learned that my current employer was about to let a
lot of people go, so I signed up for my new job with a start date 6 months from then,
waited for the announcement of severance packages, then cashed in 12 months payment
(eectively earning a dual salary for one year), and took a 3 month vacation.
I left that job with a huge smile on my face.
217
/u/Triapod
/u/onetimerone
Told the oce manager that he couldnt arrange a successful girl scout cookie drive leave
lone run a business. On the way out I told him I was going to report him to the state
labor board for working everyone 8.5 hours a day without lunch. The state made him cut
me a check for 2.5 years of missed lunches.
218
#824 What made you realize you were getting older?
2016-01-16 18:25:33
/u/Andinian
/u/musixmlife
/u/Summerie
/u/vilkav
[Link]
/u/DarthMurdok
/u/SmithFire13
Seriously, this is brutal. If the celebrity trio thing is for real, I dont think Im ready for
the next shoe to drop.
219
/u/DarthMurdok
Lemmy, Bowie and Rickman. I think the rule of three is complete though could be
argued that is just started again. The actor who played the mayor in ghostbusters died
yesterday.
/u/dgmilo8085
220
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
221
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/PicklesOfDethklok
222
he didnt have to. The world needs more people like him.
/u/usernotvalid
Thank you for sharing this. Its really great to hear that someone I really looked up to
was also a good person.
/u/CantKate
My crazy German hippie Godfather once sat me down when I was an angsty self destruc-
ting teen and said look, kate, I love you and I will always, always be here to help you
pick up the pieces- but jesus fuck does there need to be so many pieces?
223
#818 What was the most unusual situation you have wo-
ken up to?
2016-01-08 18:31:37
/u/BunnyHyde
/u/Mungo Clump
Many years back, I woke up cold, wet and surrounded by confused (and slightly scared)
children.
I sat up and bumped my head on a swing seat, that was inconveniently placed directly
above my head.
I rubbed my sore noggin and found that in addition to the obvious hangover + the recent
bump, I also had a large painful egg-sized swelling on the back of my head.
I glanced around and realised I was in a camp-site. Ah yes. I was here with a friend
camping on our way to Scotland.
Vague memories of a heavy night drinking in the sites bar came back. I looked beyond
the gaggle of bewildered children and saw my tent.
How the hell did I not make the 200 yards between the bar and my tent? Ah yes. . . a
childrens playground - too tempting for a drunken buoon such as myself. In fact, I seem
to remember standing on the swing, slipping o, hitting the ground hard, sitting up and
then. . . ah. . . that explains the bump on the back of the head + probably the sleep.
I then became angry. What sort of a friend would have left me there all night? I was
freezing, bleeding and soaking wet. I muttered something of an apology to the kids and
stood up on wobbly legs and started a slow shue of shame towards my tent.
One of the braver kids pulled on my sleeve and pointed behind me.
I turned around to see what he was pointing at, and saw the answer to my question:
There he was. My friend was passed-out, face-down on the roundabout, with his head
over the edge as the wind gently blew him round, with an almost beautiful circle of vomit
below.
That sort of friend. is the sort of friend who does that.
(Epilogue:
As we made our way back to our tent, we heard a whistle and were beckoned-
over by a family in a near-by caravan. We were ready with our most sincere grovelling
apologies, but they laughed and said We wondered when you two would get-up. . . here,
weve made you breakfast.)
(Best
cup of tea Ive had in my life - and Im an Englishman. Thank you kind campers.
And sorry children)
TLDR: Im a twat
/u/Kittenflu44
This is my favorite story in here. What else are friends for, if not to drunkenly pass out
on a playground with you?
Edit: /u/poem for your sprog replying to my comment is way better than gold!
Edit2: and now I have gold to prove it!
224
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/RamsesThePigeon
225
/u/DuckTub
Thats. . . .
Thats kinda sad
/u/MaMaJillianLeanna
Every woman knows that sometimes, because of the way youre sitting, a fart bubble will
travel frontwards up your lady lips. . .
There. . . I said it.
( )
226
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Mogbog997
Emails dont just get lost. Everyone knows you got it and ignored it, but we all go
along with it so that we can use the lie at some point in the future
227
#814 What are some simple things you can do to make
yourself more attractive?
2016-01-05 19:52:23
/u/Griolion
/u/red-bot
Put your damn shoulders back, have a confident walk, and dont stare at the ground
all the time as you walk. Ive always been told these things by my parents and others..
I never really noticed how stupid it looks until I saw some people walking around my
college campus with their head at a 90 angle to the ground while walking. E: Thanks
to all who have responded thus far. Just wanted to share a couple of resources. First
is a Ted Talk video on the power of posture. The second was pointed out to me by
/u/ApologizingCanadian and is an instructional video for better posture and was origi-
nally posted by /u/HothHanSolo in this LPT thread which /u/taranteam pointed out to
me! Thanks guys!!
228
/u/Ilovesnorcula
smile :)
/u/Andromeda321
Astronomer here! The coldest known place in the universe is not in outer space, but is
actually on Earth. Even the deepest, darkest dust clouds in outer space arent estimated
to get colder than a few degrees Kelvin, but we can get to temperatures just a fraction
of a degree above absolute zero routinely in labs on Earth.
/u/Thameus
229
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/-eDgAR-
In 1956, for a bet and while drunk, a man stole a small plane from New Jersey and then
landed it perfectly on the narrow street in front of the bar he had been drinking at. Then,
two years later, he did it again after a man didnt believe he had done it the first time.
Here is an article about it.
/u/Zeruvi
hold my beer!
Tommy, not again. . .
230
#810 Which subreddit has the most over-the-top angry
people in it (and why)?
2016-01-02 21:36:24
/u/9drank7up
[removed]
/u/Pun-Master-General
/r/fuckyou
Its literally just people saying fuck you to each other.
/u/UpsetUnicorn
Image
Theyre happy for the mention. Fuck yes!
/u/ceilingkat
Those websites that make you click through a million slides just to get each little nugget
of information.
231
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Youll never
Guess
What happened
Next,
It promised,
bit by bit.
And by
the time
I reached the text,
I didnt
give
a shit.
/u/Mac30123456
I would ban those radio commercials that have honking, crashing and emergency sirens.
Its just not safe.
/u/HuskerDave
/u/TheWatersOfMars
Too realistic. I say we ban all Muslims by building a giant wall on the east coast and
make the Mexicans pay for it!
232
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/trolol 12
If it werent for my little brother/ sister I would be comfortable cutting them out com-
pletely.
Little sister made Christmas worth it when she wore my gift non stop, and after she
saw I didnt get anything but Oreos, had me open some of her gifts. They say shes a
brat/bitch. But you have to know how to talk to her and shes the sweetest thing on
Earth.
My little brother hardly ever talks to anyone, so it makes me happy when I came over
and he showed me his progress in his games that I got him, and asked me for help.
Wish I had the money to adopt those poor bastards.EDIT: thanks for all the kind messages
and PMs. I appreciate it. Even the weird challenges to video games, I know thats you
guys being nice. Thanks everyone, merry Christmas. EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold! Glad
it was this post and not one of my dumb puns. Merry Christmas!
233
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/edwardshinyskin
nce, having a sonogram of the area btween my balls and my thigh, they sent 60-yr-old
lady in there to do th sonogram.
It was clear that he had retired from somewhere, and one back to school so that she could
b a sonogram tech and look at bbies all day.
She was so mad tht she was going to have to sonogram ome 25-yr-old dudes balls.
As oon as she walked in the room she hd a scowl on her face, and when he opened my
chart to see what was oing on, she was immediately upset.
he was trying to rub that petroleum cnduction jelly between my balls and thigh wthout
actually touching or moving anything.
o, I politely moved my cock out f the way like any gentleman would d, and she got all
flustered and houted Dont touch it! as if I wre masturbating or somehow getting
leasure out of the experience.
Ive nver been so mad and embarassed at th same time.
/u/HerpaDerpaShmerpadin
234
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Shandrith
:(
235
#804 Whats the most ridiculous thing youve bullshitted
someone into believing?
2015-12-23 14:40:25
/u/Letly
/u/ThatYourFinger
I grinned to say:
The lickalottapuss.
236
/u/Swevo
Tiny Hippo
/u/LurkerBurker
/u/plzexplainthejoke
/u/xRaw-HD
When youre installing a program and they throw in other programs which install
automatically if you dont uncheck the box during the installation.
Fuck your toolbars.
237
/u/PMMeA10DollarPSNCode
then you see a new toolbar when opening a webpage and your like what the fuck? And
then have to go waste 5 minutes of your time deleting it.
/u/Argonian Skeever
/u/roses269
Im kind of sad that youre entire history isnt just you commenting This fuckin guy
over and over.
Edit: youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
238
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre youre
/u/walkingcarpet23
/u/DisregardMyComment
Oh my god! He was just saying that an awful lot of people say that to him and you just
said it!
/u/captainmagictrousers
Apparently, whenever Im not around, my coworkers all make jokes about how grumpy
I am. But Im not grumpy at all. I just hate them and want them to die.
/u/shadowjack00
239
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Hello friends!
This is a neighborly reminder that only dark sided redditors post spoilers without a tag!
Spoiler tags are in the sidebar and look like this when you post:
[like this](/spoiler)
240
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#798 If you were the only person who could see on earth,
how would you convince a civilization of blind people that
the sense of sight exists?
2015-12-15 15:47:25
/u/vazz94
241
#797 What is the hardest thing about being a man?
2015-12-14 16:23:16
/u/X MR
Hey Peps
Thank you for all your responses hope you guys feel better about having a little rant i
havent seen all of your responses yet but you guys did break my inbox i only checked this
morning. and i was going to tag this serious but hey 99% of the responses were legit but
some of you were childish and decided to write your dicks in the morning i would suggest
for that to go on /r/GoneWild sub page
Cheers X MR
/u/UncleTrustworthy
242
#796 Whats your favorite thing in your saved section?
2015-12-13 19:08:05
/u/madster-the-great
/u/Logiebear59
http://i.imgur.com/dVcMTvJ.gifv
/u/skitch920
There is something Dr. Seuss-y about this. I just cant put my finger on it.
/u/Logiebear59
http://i.imgur.com/dVcMTvJ.gifv
243
/u/skitch920
There is something Dr. Seuss-y about this. I just cant put my finger on it.
/u/sendphotopls
the vast amount of colors, the ridiculous animal in a tub, the fact that hes combing it. . .
yeah straight out a Dr. Seuss book
[Link]
/u/mortyfy
244
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/leatherglitterlace
Freshman year is always the hardest. My first roommate came from a party family and
wanted to continue the tradition at school. I would wake up to her fucking random dudes
or loudly masturbating whilst drunk (she would sometimes throw up when orgasming).
The worst part was, she cared about her fellow partiers. Every night when she went out,
she would get smashed but would find people worse o than her. If they couldnt find
their home or communicate, shed drop them back at our tiny dorm room and go back to
parties for another few hours - if she came back at all. The bad part was my bed wasnt
lofted originally, so every night Id wake up to people getting into bed with me and have
to put them to sleep elsewhere.
The worst it ever was when she dropped o a pledge who had triple what he should have
to drink and had dropped some molly. He was all over the place and I was afraid to leave
him to sleep. She didnt come back that night. All night was spent carrying this guy back
and forth to the girls only restroom so he could try to sober up. He was pretty fucked
up well into the next day. Eventually he was good to go home and I walked him to his
dorm across campus. When I returned home, there was my roommate, furiously drunk
masturbating again.
Why would you do that Carol?!? I just wanted sleep!
Edit: Im glad my freshman year is funny for yall. Let me answer a few questions. No,
245
I havent seen the pledge since. Yes, I eventually reported her and moved to a dierent
dorm. No, I dont have her number, but I still see her around campus. No, she wasnt
hot. Thanks yall.
/u/blabyda
Mental Illness.
246
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/maddomesticscientist
247
of lube sitting where the hand soap would be at the sink. Dude even had a dick shaped
paper towel holder. Where did he even FIND half this stu?? Every kind of knick knacks
you could imagine he had a dick knack version of. Ive never seen anything like it in my
twenty years of doing this job. Whatever floats your boat I guess but personally Id get
tired of being stared down by dicks every time I turned around.
/u/nimbusdimbus
/u/Jonnyk97
Actually today I saw something that made me laugh. Im a postman so didnt go inside,
but as I was walking up to the house, I could see through the window.
There was a guy riding a mobility scooter in the living room on his own, he was riding it
in a circle waving his arm above his head as if he was waving a lasso about, it was quite
awkward when he saw me and looked pretty embarrassed
248
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TacticalFleshlight
Vapour trails from airplanes. Its physics. Not a government plot to crop-dust the world.
Edit: seems like some people are getting cloud seeding and weather control confused.
Being able to maybe make it rain in a certain spot with a certain type of cloud already
there is not CONTROLLING the weather. When you look up and see trails behind
passenger plane, they arent seeding clouds. Its a trail of condensation, get over it.
/u/5p33di3
249
/u/JiReilly
Not that thats a bad idea for chemical application, but do you really want to convince
all the gullible morons out there to stop wiping?
/u/5p33di3
Oh God
#788 If all jobs paid the same and had the same hours,
what would you want to be?
2015-12-06 17:04:00
/u/Jonnyk97
/u/Ceithirfichead
250
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
The joy that comes from knowing your friends like you for being you and not because of
your money.
EDIT: Ok, I get it, wealthy kids dont usually hang out with the food stamp kids, but
a billionaires kid is treated dierently than her merely millionaire friends. And in the
back of her mind, she wonders if her family lost their wealth would any of her friends
still be there for her. And friend also means datingfiguring out who truly loves you and
who is just there for your money.
251
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#786 People who got fired on the first day of the job,
what happened?
2015-12-01 23:01:01
/u/roor1337
/u/NoxWild
Janitor job at a hospital, cleaning bathrooms in the patients rooms. An old lady laying
in her bed called me over and said she was born in Germany and shed learned to speak
English but couldnt read it very well. She had a get-well card from someone and asked
me to read the poem inside. I did. Someone reported me because I wasnt supposed to
interact with patients. Got fired before lunch.
252
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#785 People who got fired on the first day of the job,
what happened?
2015-12-01 22:14:10
/u/roor1337
/u/MrMeeeseeks
Not me but theres a story on reddit about a teenage kid who got fired on his first day of
work at the supermarket for eating all the skin o the rotisserie chickens.
/u/Dr Mottek
253
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/niponolk
254
try not to badmouth everyone and everything unless its something totally egregious and
even then - practice tact.
this is just my limited experience where i was in charge of interviewing/hiring, my direct
manager and i would very often pass on people who seemed to carry toxicity with them.
if they had a legitimate grievance and were tactful and honest about it though, thats
something else entirely.
/u/OldDirtyBeckett
I like you
/u/Cany0udance
:)
Edit: oh wait
/u/All-Shall-Kneel
255
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:(
/u/UncleTrustworthy
Its not a lie that can be boiled down to a statement. Its an untrue idea that the internet
has made possible:
Its okay to never change yourself.
This is what happens when every teenager posts his or her journal or diary online for
all to see. You get groups of people who discover that others think the same way. So,
rather than try to adapt to the world, they group together and isolate themselves from
dissenting ideas.
Thus, the internet becomes a massive support group for every flavor of ignorance and
denial.
You can see it anywhere. Reddit with young men, Tumblr with young women, Facebook
with old people. If you look, you can find a group that agrees with everything you think.
And with that comes an excuse to never change or even open your mind.
/u/pieceofcheesecake
I agree. The internet has made it very easy to find a virtual safety bubble, which promotes
self-acceptance over personal growth.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
256
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jabbathechav
People being rude to service sta. Like its the waitress fault you are a picky eater you
egotistical prick.
257
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
#779 What is the hardest thing you have ever said no to?
2015-11-17 16:45:06
/u/ChunkyBlaze
258
/u/DARKSTAIN
When my mom was on life support. When the doctors asked me if we want her to stay
like this. I had to say no for the whole family and her :( I keep living asking myself what
if. All the doctors could not have been wrong right. . . . They gave her no chances.
Edit: Wow I am at work and just opened my reddit account. . . I really did not expect
this. I just want to thank you reddit for the support. There is not a day that goes by
that I dont think about this decision. For 25 years she fought a brain tumor. To show
up in a hospital and find out that there is nothing that could be done after 25 years was
a shock. Its dicult for me because I know what a fighter she was.
Edit: I am going to share this with my sister. I hope it makes her see that she is not
alone either. Once again thank you.
Thank you Reddit.
/u/Shark Porn
/u/TriangledCircle
Yeah, she couldve been suering. It takes real courage to end someones suering. I
applaud you for what you did as it was right.
259
#778 What is the hardest thing you have ever said no to?
2015-11-17 16:01:43
/u/ChunkyBlaze
/u/DontTrustmyResearch
A beer when I was quitting drinking. I had problems with moderation and self control.
Like, hunt a beer down right when I woke up problem with self control.
First day, my roommates have a party and I sure as hell live for drinking games like they
do. I had like half a 30 rack left and half a bottle of whiskey. Drank my o brand soda
and felt like the biggest dork while simultaneously saying no to every drink I saw. Rouh.
Fortunately, I handle myself quite fine now. EDIT: If youre trying to take the same kind
of steps, trust me, ODouls really isnt bad. You look weird with one, you feel weird with
one, but they help.
EDIT 2: So, first of all thanks a metric shit ton for the positive vibes! Thing is, as I
was replying to a small stream of comments, inbox was all of a sudden flooded. Ive been
trying to replay Heavy Rain and this pause menu is eating me alive. Ill come back for
you boatload of cuties, but seriously I need to find Jason.
EDIT 3: So not only did I get a crazy amount of support, but I got a Poem for my Sprog
AND guilded. Im going to have to pop a bottle of 1938 Sparkling Grape tonight.. you
guys are the best and Im glad I get to share this moment with you and not feel shame.
I drank -
And drank -
And drank, and found
Without a drink or three -
I wasnt fun to be around;
I wasnt really me.
260
#777 France
2015-11-14 06:44:02
/u/reddit
Today, a horrible tragedy unfolded in France. Reddit would like to thank the contributors
to the live thread that was featured on the front page, along with all of the other mods,
contributors, and community members across the site involved in posting updates in other
live threads and subreddits. They did their viewers and Reddit as a whole a huge
service by giving their time and energy to keep us up to date with all of the breaking
news happening at a seconds notice.
Our thoughts are with our neighbors in France.
Numbers to Paris embassies in case you are in need of assistance or are trying
to contact loved ones:
Australia: +33 1 40 59 33 00
Belgium: +33 1 47 54 07 64
Brazil: +33 1 45 61 63 00
Britain (if you are a British national in France) : +33 1 44 51 31 00
Britain (if you are in the UK and concerned about a British national in France): 020 7008
1500
Canada: +33 1 44 43 29 00
Canada (Canadians looking for info on loved ones): 613-996-8885 or 1-800-387-3124 toll
free in Canada/US
Denmark: +33 1 44 31 21 21
Ireland: +33 1 44 17 67 00
India: +33 1 40 50 70 70
Germany: +33 1 53 83 45 00
The Netherlands: +33 1 40 62 33 00
Norway: +33 1 53 67 04 00
Poland: +33 1 43 17 34 00
Russia +33 1 45 04 05 50
Spain (for nationals trying to contact the embassy): 0033 615 938 701
Sweden: +33 1 44 18 88 00
United States: +33 1 43 12 22 22
United States (for Americans in France that need assistance): 1-202-501-4444
United States (for Americans concerned about loved ones in France): 1-888-407-4747
New Zealand: +33 1 45 01 43 43
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Weave77
Vive la France!
261
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/omega-moose
I can often become very sensitive to certain noises. So people chewing or even breathing
can irritate me. But you know I cant just tell people to stop breathing.
262
#775 Whats a question that you hate to answer?
2015-11-12 15:18:49
/u/ThugginOnTheInternet
/u/l33h
Hows the job search going? You know goddamn well how the job search is going, Helen.
Oh Helen. . . Go to hell.
263
#774 What is an analogy that gets your point across per-
fectly, but is wildly inappropriate?
2015-11-12 08:09:14
/u/Boomshakalaka89
Any situation
EDIT: Thank you for the gold, you kind stranger!
/u/anotherpoweruser
Success is like being pregnant. People will congratulate you, but no one knows how many
times you were fucked before you got there.
This was in middle school. The bell went o for us to go to our next class and I noticed
a girl had bleed bled through onto her light colored blue jeans. Even with me being the
kind of boy that no girl would ever talk to if she wanted to keep what little status she
might have had with the other girls in the school I took the risk that might come with
having a conversation with a girl.
I quickly walked up right behind her. Like creeper close. . . Put my hands on her shoulders
to get her to slow down a little and I leaned in and whispered into her ear youve bleed
bled through your pants, I will follow you to the girls bathroom. Just act normal and
took my hands o her shoulders.
She never looked back. She didnt say a word. We walked nearly bumper to bumper to
the girls bathroom. I kept on walking past and o to my next class.
I never spoke to her again. I dont remember her face or her name anymore but I wonder
sometimes if I had crossed the line of creeper or kindness.
264
Edit: English is hard.
P.S. I have been reading every reply and upvoting nearly all of them. Thanks everyone
for the thumbs up on helping her out and making me feel less awkward about it.
As a female, let me just thank you on her behalf. You did literally the kindest thing
imaginable. You didnt make a big deal about it, you didnt call any unnecessary attention.
God bless you, you glorious bastard.
/u/Hyperminimalism
This. It mightve been embarrassing for one person to have noticed, but you saved her
from A LOT of other peopleher peers no lessfrom noticing. Best course of action.
/u/Garrus Vakarian
I took JROTC in high school instead of High School 101, so my instructor was responsible
for Sex Ed with us.
On the first day of Sex Ed, as a way to break the ice, he had us write down every slang
term for sex or sexual things. Then he read them all aloud to us. I will never forget
listening to a 50+ year old Marine talk about pounding the paternal piston
EDIT: Oh
EDIT 2: Electric Boogaloo: JROTC= Junior Reserve Ocer Training Corps. Basically
a military focused class.
High School 101: A class all freshmen have to take(unless you take JROTC). It covers
all of the basics of the school heres where everything is, heres how to use the library
and computer labs, and sex ed.
265
/u/B00617825
/u/beforethewind
To woo a woman, seductively oer to park your meat pony in her velvet love tunnel.
/u/Jebx
266
to choose to do SOMETHING. Even something tiny, like how you stand or making eye
contact.
There are dierent ranges of confidence, from comfort in your surrounding all the way
up to being a cocky asshole. Clearly you want to target the comfortable range, not
arrogance. Being a know-it-all is not confidence.
So start by just acting comfortable. Like, yeah, this is my environment. Im glad to be
here.
Body language: shoulders down, arms uncrossed, head up. Relaxed posture.
Greet people like youre EXCITED to see them. Shake their hand and say their name.
Small talk is positive and upbeat. Attitude is contagious, so you set the mood.
Keep in mind that most other people wait for someone else to do this - the moment you
do, youre shifted into a leader-type role. That doesnt mean you have to do anything
leader-like, just that youre gaining subconscious respect from people around you.
Be engaged. Make eye contact and listen carefully. Sometimes thats all you have to do
is listen, but remain interested and involved.
You dont have to be outspoken, you dont have to be loud - you dont even need to start
any conversations. Just the simple act of pretending to be comfortable (even if youre
not) is how you move into BEING comfortable.
The nice thing about this is that it spirals upward - the more you do it, the more confident
you become. The more confident you are, the easier it gets. The easier it gets, the more
you do it. . . and pretty soon its not an act.
267
#770 What became of the weird kid you went to school
with?
2015-11-09 19:06:44
/u/human of reddit
Did any of them go on to achieve anything amazing? Did any of them just level out and
live a normal life?
/u/vrsick06
Some say he still walks the halls super fast carrying all his books instead of using a back
pack or locker.
/u/whatsgoodbaby
/u/spiritriser
I was a sprinter. I had a duel bag though.. Damn.. That was probably sketchy as fuck.
Oh well, not going to stop me from sprinting between classes at my university.
Edit: Stole the word sprinter from OP. Im taller and have longer strides than most
people, and I walk with purpose. Probably still makes people wonder why Im constantly
in a hurry, but Im hardly running amok in the halls.
/u/SpaceClef
But. . . why?
Dont take this the wrong way, but are you a CS major?
/u/LordApricot
Lifes a race to the grave and Im not about to let that other asshole get a better seat.
268
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Did any of them go on to achieve anything amazing? Did any of them just level out and
live a normal life?
/u/Menox1944
I had a classmate nicknamed Bucket, he got this name cause he was running around
with a bucket on his head a few times. Once, he was getting mugged on the street,
few guys surrounded him with a knife, demanding to hand over his phone. He started
laughing, took out his phone and smashed it on the ground, continued laughing like a
maniac. Muggers baed by what they saw, they just walked away.
Edit: I totally missed the point of this thread, I just read weird kid from school and
shared this story. He is actually doing pretty good, studying physics at our countrys best
science university, though he is still really weird.
/u/Lyra Belacqua
269
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:D
[removed]
/u/AmoebaNot
My mother was an RN and became very good at emotional detachment. I learned this
the time I cut my the palm of my hand pretty badly climbing a tree (I was 10), and had
to walk about 10 minutes home to get it fixed up. It wasnt really that bad although I do
still have a scar, but it was bleeding a lot. I knew from experience that my mom would
be pissed if I got blood on my clothes so I walked home holding my hand up, which only
resulted in covering my entire arm in blood.
When I walked into the house, I said, mom? and she gasped. Then suddenly her face
changed, and she became an entirely dierent personality. She was polite but firm, and
not at all interested in what happened. She took me to the bathroom, washed o all
the blood, cleaned and bandaged the wound and then washed up and put away all the
supplies. Then she turned back into my mom and cried.
Later, she became a school nurse, and that did eventually get to her; finally she had to
retire early because of the sad things she saw but could not change.
270
/u/FuzzBall99
Wow when I posted this I was thinking primarily about counselors becoming depressed
from listening to sadness all day, I never thought about their families and this kind of
game face that I suppose they have to have when dealing with people.
/u/ecdomain
Yes. You end up being the person that everyone in your family goes to to handle stressful
situations. They expect you to be stoic and handle it.
#767 Whats the worst thing you could hear someone say,
Eh, good enough to?
2015-11-07 21:41:23
/u/5000kittens
/u/arch maniac
271
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/hatmonkey3d
My girlfriend was a virgin and I was patiently waiting for her to be ready. When me and
her friend were talking about it drunkenly, her friend suggested I just rape her and shed
realise she liked it.
edit: I didnt. I waited a couple weeks and she said she was ready.
272
#765 fish trust
2015-11-07 19:44:47
/u/usrnone
[Link]
/u/Avogadro101
Oh my god! Hes letting me go! SWIM AWAY!!! Phew Im exhausted, I think Ill rest
here for a minu-OH MY GOD!!!
/u/Whynotyou69
/u/WoodToTheMetal
Skyrim.
[Bandit shot in the head by an arrow]
Bandit: Whos there!
Bandit: I see you!
Bandit: Where did he go?
Bandit: Huh, must have been my imagination.
[Goes back to patrolling]
273
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Ive read literally every reply in all the old threads, time for a fresh one :). Dont know
why its so fascinating.
/u/Putcariltoswayon
We were boating past a beach when we saw this Whale breach in incredibly shallow water
and I swear to god I heard it call out to her family it was a thunderous sound I was quiet
shocked to discover that it was in fact just a fat tourist calling to her son
274
#762 What was your biggest shit, my parents were right
moment?
2015-11-01 18:34:38
/u/OOKEfvvs
/u/DSAPEER
You cant fly with the eagles if you sleep with the pigeons.
Turns out the wrong friends really can hold you back and drag you down.
Edit: Thank you for the gold!
/u/SUSAN IS A BITCH
If youre the smartest person in the room, youre in the wrong room.
/u/(deleted user)
This is an excellent phrase. When I use it on my kids, I shall pretend I thought of it.
Thanks.
/u/theearthvolta
/u/T0mmyb6
275
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:(
/u/Pit9
Actually, we are really cool parents. Turned out to be true. . . they were really awesome
parents to have.
/u/Coeecor25
Yeah, I didnt realize just how lucky I was to have the parents I did until I found out
about how some other peoples parents were. I grew up in a middle-class home with
both parents around and neither one of them was abusive, mean, or overly strict. I was
(and still am) very fortunate and it took growing up a bit to realize that. I think one
of the biggest wake-up calls to me was during my freshman year of college when I was
complaining to someone else about how annoying my father was for nagging me about
276
going out too late on week nights when I was 19. The other person replied, At least your
dad didnt throw you down a flight of stairs when you were four and leave you when you
were six.
Were awesome, they told me: were hip and were cool!
I sighed at them, silent, and slipped o to school.
In truth, that was youth, and it passed in a blur.
They said they were awesome - it turns out they were.
#760 What is the best thing you have ever heard a child
say?
2015-10-31 17:38:36
/u/nannyuk
Edit : i just woke up to over 5000 inbox messages lol Thank you all for sharing your lovely
stories I will try and read them all :) Edit 2: finally read them all I think that the moral
of the story is we should watch what we say in front of our kids.
/u/186282 4
On a road trip with my friend and her 6 year old nephew, and hes in the backseat talking.
My friend said, Jake, who are you talking to?
Myself.
Well what are you talking about?
After 5 long seconds of silence, Jake said, I dont know. I wasnt listening.
Edit: Wow! This took o, and on my new account, too. Thanks for the gold, stranger!
/u/Buttslaya
I talk
and talk
and talk all day -
277
#759 [NSFW] What were you better o not knowing/seeing?
2015-10-30 14:00:23
/u/ChewyGums
/u/xRaw-HD
#758 If you had sex with the last thing you googled how
would it go?
2015-10-27 14:21:21
/u/Sidrisrock
Texas population
Damn, Im gonna be busy. . .
278
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
This is/was genuinely kind of you. I hope this helps others, as I know it has helped me.
Its nice to know that people care sometimes, and taking the time some of you have to
make suggestions means a lot to me.
/u/LilyPomegranate
Colouring in.
One of the hardest things to do when you are depressed is to get up /out and do some-
thing. That needs motivation that sometimes is hard to muster up.
Colouring in takes no preparation time, and you can scribble your heart out or do some-
thing very intricate and precise. It takes your mind o whatever youre going through
and you produce something nice at the end that is worth sharing with your loved ones.
EDIT: Some people suggested we need a subreddit for this so [I created r/coloringtherapy
here] (https://www.reddit.com/r/coloringtherapy/) and Ill try to put some eort into it
over the next few days.
/u/MorganLF
Came here to say this too. I have depression and have just begun colouring in in the last
few days. Its very meditative. Im enjoying completing each picture, and I found a great
colouring book with some beautiful and intricate designs.
279
/u/LilyPomegranate
/u/Sateen
Alzheimers or dementia. Im terrified of the way they slowly take away everything that
makes you you. Ive watched family members go through it and its heartbreaking.
/u/ZeppelinFTW
Holy shit, Ive never thought about it like that. You would probably have moments of
lucidity where you realize whats going on, but there is nothing you can do about it. That
is terrifying.
280
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#755 What was the best way that someone has hit on
you?
2015-10-20 19:29:02
/u/CrimsonHenry
/u/kaliforniamike
Im super tall at 69 for reference. Most girls have no game when it comes to pickup
lines. I was at a concert a few months ago and this short girl came up with some serious
A+ shit.
She tugged at my shirt from behind and motions for me to bend over a bit for her. So
I do and she says, you know its been a while since I climbed a tree. My first thought
was what the shit is she talking about when suddenly as Im still leaned over she jumps
on my back and shimmies her way up till shes sitting on my shoulders. Then says shes
not getting down but if I want to walk her over to the bar shell buy us both a drink.
Well fucking played short girl.
281
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:D
#754 What was the best way that someone has hit on
you?
2015-10-20 18:08:18
/u/CrimsonHenry
/u/PirateKilt
At a party, took my hand and led me into a back bedroom, closed/locked the door and
started stripping o her clothes.
Non-subtle clues always work the best.
/u/Strykrol
/u/JD397
282
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Reason to Smiles
283
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Oddlad
Texted my straight male friend, You make me so unbelievably hard. Intended for my
girlfriend. He just went with it assuming I was joking with him.
Edit. I accidentally a word. Also, thanks for the gold! Ill have to figure out what it does.
/u/urmomsuckedmyass
284
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Raaju201
I went on a date with this girl. Went very boringly. However, I could tell she thought it
was going great. We said goodbye and I was on my way.
A few hours later, a friend texted and asked me how the date went.
I texted with an entire paragraph of why the date sucked and why I didnt like her.
I got a ?? As a response. To my horror, I texted the very girl I had just gone on the
date with.
It was extremely embarrassing but the girl said she appreciated the honesty.
285
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
No worries, I said.
:(
Edit: Woke up today and this blew up. My surgery will be in about 5 hours, thank you
for the ideas.
/u/AssholeBot9000
The last time I tried to say something funny right before surgery, they were about to put
me out and I said, go easy on me doc, its my first time.
I gave a little chuckle and so did the doctor. . . he then picked up a scalpel and said,
dont worry, its my first time too.
And then I promptly blacked out. . .
/u/SFWboring
/u/IamEclipse
286
/u/Valkyrie21
/u/IamEclipse
/u/Reiginko
We did it reddit!
/u/garmachi
287
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/vodkagrey
Oense. These days people get oended over anything and everything.
288
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/esteban42
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/u/thattallfellow
/u/earthandsunn
:(
/u/anotherpoweruser
reddit. I thought the layout looked shitty and all the content here was shitty.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/BillMueller
/u/SSfantastic
Bonus bonus points for saying something funny but slightly inappropriate. Lets you
know you can lighten up.
/u/black fire
Do you ever tuck your dick between your legs and look in the mirror and realize it looks
just like a vagina? Its kinda hot, you know? Hahahha
/u/HurtfulThings
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/PouponMacaque
I think its an inability to perceive and adapt to cues from another persons speech or
body language which results in behavior that seems or is invasive or threatening. I think
the key factor is the behavior being abnormal given the reaction of the other person - its
all about context.
/u/poliscinerd
I would say its this, coupled with the inability to take no for an answer.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I nodded politely,
And looked for an out.
So why dont you like me?
He said with a pout.
You owe me an answer -
A text or a call -
You ought to be grateful
I asked you at all.
/u/Miss ClassySass
Sears.
/u/Superschutte
My wife loves sears. I told her they were not doing well and she did not believe me. 5
minutes later, I see her on her phone crying. It turns out she googled, Sears going out
of business.
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/u/YipRocHeresy
Its gone.
/u/Army0fMe
/u/esteban42
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:D
Edit: Wow this blew up, so many incredible stories on here thank you all for sharing!
/u/Azand
I got into an argument with somebody on reddit. He ended up saying that I knew nothing
about the topic at hand and that he was doing a PhD in that very topic which showed
X results. Unfortunately for him the PhD he tried to claim as his own was in fact mine.
Turns out he a student in my department and was in a lecture I gave a few weeks before.
So of all the millions of redditors I get into an argument with someone pretending to be
me.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/RogueViator
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#739 Chris Mints, the hero that charged the UCC shooter
to help save others is doing fine after having surgery to
remove 7 bullets. What a guy.
2015-10-02 16:17:01
/u/goofygoober 75
[Link]
/u/goofygoober 75
/u/TinyPotatoAttack
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Explanations also
Edit: Cheers lads, nice to make an AskReddit post that gets more than 12 upvotes.
Edit 2: Loved reading your responses but having an RIP INBOX has been annoying
af. 5/10 would do again
/u/PooOnYoureFoot
Was celebrating an uncles birthday and we realized about 15 minutes into it that grandma
died.
Everyone lost their mind, because she was 75 and seamed fine 10 minutes before.
Died of a massive brain aneurysm.
Whole family was devastated.
I still took some cake
/u/caseycoold
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Explanations also
Edit: Cheers lads, nice to make an AskReddit post that gets more than 12 upvotes.
Edit 2: Loved reading your responses but having an RIP INBOX has been annoying
af. 5/10 would do again
/u/AndreTheShadow
My alcoholic uncle got so drunk at his own daughters wedding that he pissed on the
wedding cake in front of half the wedding party.
He quit drinking after that.
/u/DPayne22
/u/Sotari
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/anirishman15
/u/savemejebus0
/u/Mal97
Could you expect any better from a bunch of egotistical 18 year olds?
Edit: why is everyone taking this comment so seriously is it that hard to read sarcasm /s
/u/Kraymur
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Gimace
I put a sharpened pencil in my front jeans pocket, pointy end down, and forgot about it.
When I sat down it stabbed me in the head of my dick. 25 years later I still have that
graphite mark on the head of my dick.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Kinda a douche
/u/qualityproduct
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
He went to Thirty-Fifty-Four,
And sailed amidst the stars -
A bus to see the moon and more,
A taxi-cab to Mars!
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
EDIT: Thank you for all the advice, I will be steadily reading through them all over the
next few days!
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/u/ Priceless
Dont be afraid to talk to strangers. If they seem cool and you want to know them,
walk up and say hi. Your accent is going to be a hit with everyone and Americans are
usually very friendly. Try not to be annoyed when youre told about their 1/16th English
heritage.
/u/mind dump
/u/ Priceless
/u/mind dump
/u/ Priceless
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#730 Reddit, what is a 2 line horror story that is actually
scary as fuck?
2015-09-14 18:15:25
/u/theone1221
/u/mo0op
When you were told not to eat 12 hours prior to surgery, it wasnt just a polite suggestion.
/u/Justmetalking
Worked in an ER, saw this more than once. Last case, parents brought their child in for
surgery, let her eat a full breakfast because she was hungry. She vomited, aspirated bacon
and eggs and ended up in the ICU on a ventilator so they could irrigate all the food out
of her lungs.
/u/psychonerd4
How did the parents react? Were they shocked or was it more like yeah, we done fucked
up. . . .
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/u/sapunec7854
Them stupid doctors almost done killed muh baby I demand to speak to their manager!
/u/Tsarphael
Blankets must cover my whole body while sleeping. I make a little hole for breathing.
You could say summer is. . . diquilt.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/SultanofShit
God of retrieving single socks from the Sock Dimension and putting them back in your
washing.
I am become Je, returner of argyles
/u/jhwhite
Could you have a word with your brothers in the biro and guitar pick dimensions and tell
them to get a move on.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Badloss
Elephants being afraid of mice is the one time I was completely wrong about a myth on
Mythbusters. They went all the way to Africa to test the myth on wild elephants and I
was positive that this was the biggest waste of time. . . and then the Elephant completely
lost its shit when they released the mouse! Amazing.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Irrelephant! I said.
/u/presidentcheesecake
A kid in year 7 (11 years old) killed himself after being bullied. A few of my friends in
6th form got on the same bus as him and were trying to help, they used to see him run
home after he got o as he was so scared. Poor kid.
/u/robcoo
The same happened here too, a year 7 child killed himself, it was incredibly sad hearing
that in the assembly as there were rumours before we were told but no one really believed
it.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
He went to school.
He went alone.
He spent his days all on his own.
Joe had no pal.
Joe had no friend.
Joes days were long at either end.
/u/AleredEgo
A kid that had a shitty home life used to get picked on everyday at school. He finally
made one true friend when he got to high school. Things really started looking up for
him when they went on their first double date.
During what might have been the first truly happy night of his life, the driver lost control
of the car and this kid wasnt wearing a seatbelt.
He got a bunch of write ups misremembering him as a popular athlete.
/u/TerraOrdinem
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/u/AleredEgo
Quite the silver lining, indeed. For the last year of his life, everyday must have seemed a
bit better than the last.
/u/Mrthereverend
/u/77795
Hell never get to go on that date, any date for that matter. He died in a good moment,
but he misses out on all the good moments to come. He was too young. Every day above
ground is a good day so make the fucking most of it
/u/-eDgAR-
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/solzhe
Kim Kardashian
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/oldgeezerhippie1
Farts
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#720 Whats something thats bad for you and you know
it but you still keep on doing it?
2015-09-01 18:58:25
/u/Senolovac
/u/-MissionImprobable-
/u/rottinguy
2 Glock 9mm pistols, $2K in cash, 100 foot of rope, passport, carving knives, 11 sq foot
roll of sheet plastic, roll of duct tape, and a package of twizzlers.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ivebeenherelonger
Promise me youll never forget me because if I thought you would Id never leave
-Winnie thetrustissues Pooh
Edit: Would just like to add in a bonus quote:
Piglet: How do you spell love ?
Pooh: You dont spell it. . . you feel it.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/nurbenzin
Debt
/u/(deleted user)
If you get in the debt, better get all the way in.
If you owe the bank $100 thats your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, thats
the banks problem.
-J. Paul Getty
/u/ismellurpoo
/u/(deleted user)
And if you owe $16 Trillion, you are the leader of the free world.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I got a raise.
/u/cunt-hooks
A mate of mine caught a huge seagull and held on to it as it pecked the fuck out of his
hands, then threw it screeching through the door of the pub hed just been kicked out of,
and we bolted.
We woke up the next morning and he says, What the fuck happened to my hands?
Ive no idea what happened in the pub, but I suspect it was quite amusing.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
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#714 You are suddenly shifted 2 feet to the left, whats
dierent?
2015-08-22 18:08:30
/u/ShepMyself
/u/happyotterdance
Edit: Christ I hit the front page in my first 13 hours of being a redditor, this is pretty
cool. I guess it comes at a price tho, R.I.P Inbox :(
Spend more time with your wife. She wont be here much longer. P.S. tell her to skip
Chemo, it wont help and will make her miserable.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Im really enjoying reading some of these. I like how with some, you get get a pretty
good idea of what generations these Redditors are from.
Edit 2: Wow. Now I know why all these posts always say RIP Inbox. Your responses
have all been wonderful. Feel free to keep sending them, as I really do enjoy reading
them.
Edit 3: Ten Thousand comments?! You are all amazing!
Thanks, Reddit!
/u/fabricates facts
Being a vegetarian.
Im a big time carnivore, always have been, but I started dating this girl who was a
vegetarian. Me, being utterly willing to change any facet of my personality if there was
the slightest chance it would increase the likelihood of a girl letting me touch her boobs
or her touching mine, immediately became a vegetarian too.
I went home to tell my Dad and he just says: This is because of a girl, isnt it?
No Dad! Im seriously concerned about the plight of, like, tiny animals and stu. They
are subjected to appalling conditions in those reservoirs!
Abbatoirs?
Whatever!
Righto. Youll last a week.
So, two weeks later, I get dumped. Now I have no girlfriend and no meat, but I cant
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bear seeing that look on my Dads face, the smirking one that says I win. So I persisted
with my vegetarianism for an entire year. Ugh. My first post-veggie meat encounter was
a McDs double cheeseburger and it was glorious.
Now, my Dad says hes impressed that I lasted so long and that it obviously wasnt about
the girl.
Haha, I win, Dad. I win.
[edit] Im not a girl, I was a husky teenager. And yes, my username is suspicious but
its a true story. And to the people saying Actually, your Dad won. . . My God, that
wily old bastard. . .
/u/DasRotebaron
/u/LordShitticus
Ran into her some years later in our mid twenties at a New Years party.
We both were just recently single and started to click. Eventually we both confessed to
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a mutual crush in high school.
Then as the night went on and beer flowed. . . she jerked o two random guys in the
living room.
edit: holy karma.
/u/JooJoona is a bitch
/u/Stef100111
Oh.
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/u/R1 TC
or dont
/u/ofa776
/u/IOU-an-upvote
People younger than me who have substantially higher net worth due to their parents
money.
Like, they own multiple homes by the time they are mid 20s because they lived at home
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forever, mom and dad gave them the down payments and their tenants pay for their
mortgage. Its not that they are necessarily bad people for it, but its frustrating to work
hard and slowly move up while watching others stroll past you with a this is how it is
supposed to be attitude. Again. . . not their fault. . . but fuck them!
EDIT: Thanks for the comments. I dont actually hate these people. Many comments
said it best that there is a little bit of resentment that I didnt have it so easy. I already
have RESPs set up for my kids to spare them from student loans like I had, so I am
planning to do the same sort thing for my kids! Its really the sense of entitlement they
sometimes let show that bothers me.. ya know?
/u/chumothy
The ones who have the I worked really hard for everything I have attitude are the ones
I cant stand.
You didnt work really hard; your parents did. And sometimes, not even them, but their
parents.
/u/Arctic Drunkey
Some people are born on third base and go their whole life thinking they hit a triple.
-Barry Switzer
/u/PussySlaying420King
[Link]
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/u/SolarFloss
Im just waiting for the redditor that will tell us that the dog is suering from some
disease causing it to do that and then ruin everyones day.
EDIT: something something highest voted
:)
/u/Tasty Irony
Each and every abortion is a good thing. Unwanted babies make the world shittier.
/u/King-of-Ooo
Not trying to be a dick here but in China, forced abortions are a thing and sometimes
mothers are forced to abort nearly full-term fetuses becaus they violate the one-child
policy. However I agree with what youre saying. As long as its the mothers decision,
every abortion is a good thing. Usually the butthurt pro-life activists dont even give two
shits about the child after its born.
/u/Readys
This is the thing that I dont understand about pro-lifers. If youre opposed to abortions
(I get that in theory) then you should be SUPER pro-birth control and sex education!
Also, they should be advocating for the disadvantaged youth and trying to fix the adop-
tion/foster system.
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When people are anti-choice, but also think we should pull sex Ed out of classrooms and
not make BC accessible. . . I just cant.
/u/photosyntheticstu
Sex is evil and if you do it for fun you should be punished with a baby!
Isnt that a great mindset?
/u/CTRickycallsmeJamie
I am an atheist, and I say merry christmas. Its not an armation of faith, just a fancy
way of saying hello 3weeks out of the year. If someone was oended I would say happy
holidays/happy new year to them specifically, but I dont find the phrase out of context
oensive.
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Both theists and atheists have expressed their dislike for me for having this diering
opinion. To me its like hating someone for not being a vegetarian, you cant help it if
you dont find something oensive.
EDIT: Wow, this conversation has been great, thank you to everyone who commented
and shared their experiences. To answer some common questions:
Yes, I live in the US. Yes it depends on where you live in the states as to what
you experience with this. In the south/Bible Belt you would get more flack for
saying happy holidays instead of merry christmas. In large progressive cities
like ones Ive lived in, people seem to sit around thinking of ways to be oended
by something. I just feel like, you are wishing someone well and shouldnt read too
much into the words as much as the meaning behind them.
No, Ive never had a Christian get oended by my saying it as an atheist, its always
been other religious groups. Ive had non-Christian theists and atheists alike feel the
need to educate me how insensitive it is to say because 1) it implies that Christians
own the time of year and 2) it reinforces that its ok for society to engage in religious
oppression by proxy. I personally dont find it oppressive like that so I wont stop
saying it, but I will share whatever greetings they would prefer when interacting
with them.
Ive also never had a Christian tell me IRL that I shouldnt celebrate christmastime
or shouldnt get time o from work since Im an atheist, but a lot of the commenters
have had those unfortunate experiences.
As far as the vegetarian analogy, saying that since I love animals I should be just
as oended by the treatment of animals by the meat industry as they are, is within
the same vein as atheists who say I should be oended when someone says merry
christmas or bless you because they find it oensive. I just see things dierently.
I can love animals and eat meat just like I can be an atheist and accept someones
kind thoughts. A lot of people disagree with both of those separately, but its the
same concept to me.
Yes, 3 weeks was a little excessive, but you get my point, yah?
/u/underblueskies
Im right with you! I still love to celebrate Christmas, but I prefer to think that Im
celebrating family, friends, vacation, and presents.
Edit: holy crap everyone, I had no idea this would blow up! Thanks for all the non-
denominational holiday cheer! :)
Edit 2: Ok, my first edit was cheesy, but this is now by far my top comment! Its been
great to hear that so many people feel the same way as me, and its also cool to hear
from Christians who arent oended by my continued celebration of Christmas because
they agree on the values. Im now super looking forward to The Holidays!
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/u/CTRickycallsmeJamie
Right? I had someone ask me personally if I found the Xmas tree/gift exchange oensive
before planning their party. Im like, do I have to say theres a god and pray at the party?
No! Then were good outside that. People get so uptight. I get it tho that some people
really find it oensive, so I guess its a good conversation.
And the music, I love holiday music. I dont believe the message but I appreciate the
gorgeous arrangements by which its being delivered.
/u/Silly Buisness
/u/Jesus-chan
fucking babies
/u/ AppropriateUsername
Poorly worded.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Burdicus
Girl I fell for in high-school. She was the stereotypical gorgeous rich girl. I made her
laugh randomly in the hallway between classes one day and after that moment I knew I
had to have her.
I turned my charm up to 11 for this girl. Somehow everything I did and said was absolutely
spot on. I was a guy well below her league if were playing the stereotype game, but I
was fucking motivated, I was on my A-game.
I was her almost boyfriend for over a year before I started to really acknowledge the
fact that something wasnt right. I was getting strung along. Sure, I got some action here
and there, and we really did seem like close friends (I spent most weekends with her), but
somehow, she kept finding other guys to ocially date. That would last a few weeks
or months, shed break up with them for some reason or another (always leading me to
believe it was for me), shed seduce me again, and a few weeks later shed have a new
guy.
The breaking point was senior years homecoming dance. She had got in trouble with her
parents and they decided there was no way she was going out. I begged and pleaded with
her mom to let me take her, and because they liked me, because they knew I cared for
her, the let her go.
I picked her up, took her out to dinner, gave her a necklace I still dont know how I
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aorded at 17, spent some alone time together, and went to the dance.
But, when we got to the dance, she immediately found the guy she was previously dating
and decided now would be a good time to get back together. She spent half the night
dancing with him before I left. I drove to her parents house and let them know theyd
need to pick her up because I couldnt look at her anymore.
Id done everything for this girl. She brought out the absolute best in me. It crushed me.
After that is when I noticed I stopped listening to people. I used to hear every word she
said, I cared so much about every aspect of her life, I wanted to fix every problem. . . but
after her, that caring side of me really died went numb for a while. To this day I hate
the fact I let that happen to me. To this day I find myself actively TRYING HARDER
to listen to people. I want to care, I want to help, but she left me so numb I had built up
such a defense mechanism that its just way harder than it used to be. It doesnt come
naturally anymore.
Even to this day, I cant help but think Id be a more caring person (in general) if I didnt
put so much into that situation.
Edit: I think most people have an ex of sorts that stole a piece of them at one time or
another. This was mine.
Edit 2: Just to make things clear, I am over this whole incident, Ive moved on and I
have an awesome life a gorgeous wife, and 1 year old son. But that doesnt change the
fact that this experience totally soured me for a while. Everyones personality is formed
by the experiences we have - and this is one of them. Im a happy, loving guy. But since
this Ive definitely had a much harder time opening up and listening. Its not that Im
not over the situation, or her, its just that its something of a defense mechanism that
my instincts never let go of even 10 years later.
Edit 3: She really wasnt some super-bitch or anything, so if it comes across that way
- just know I dont mean for it to. I honestly dont think she knew what she was doing
until I called her out on it (which I waited WAY too long to do). When I wrote this I was
really channeling the memories from those days so it probably came out more passionately
than I really feel about it anymore. But the end of the story is that I have an awesome
wife and try to do well by my family. I have a good life, and even though this experience
definitely aected me in negative ways - I think thats part of life. We all have experiences
like this. . . something that makes us a little more bitter, but you move on, grow up, and
learn from it.
/u/Springheeljac
/u/Danger716
If you dodge a bullet and it still hurts you, you didnt dodge it.
/u/BoozeoisPig
Bullet grazed.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#703 People of reddit who are laid back and dont get
worked up about anything, how do you do it?
2015-08-03 17:19:04
/u/greenmusicelephant
/u/VVillyD
I really dont know how to describe it to other people, but I just dont let myself react to
emotions or thoughts that are unproductive. Something starts to seem a bit overwhelm-
ing? Ignore the fact that it is overwhelming and focus on what you can aect. Someone
does something that pisses you o? Think about what you can do about the situation
and if that will be productive. If so, take action, if not, drop it.
Edit: thanks for the gold, folks! My first gilding!
/u/424f42 424f42
I just dont get how people can put so much eort to get worked up
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#702 Doctors of reddit, have you had any exciting cases
that have made you feel like Dr. House?
2015-08-02 17:24:18
/u/Operateonthis
Any exciting mysteries that you were/werent able to solve? If so, please elaborate!
/u/blunkraft96
My dad says he was the one to diagnose patient zero during the measles outbreak in New
York during 1991, he says when he called CDC that friday, noone believed him, since it
had been a pretty damn long time since anyone had seen it. He said the only reason he
recognized it was because his little brother had gotten measles once, and the patient 0
had exact same symptom.Eventually he stared such a fuss that CDC did show up, and
confirmed it was measles to which they put the kid into quarantine and began to do their
thing.
edit: the hospital name was the maimonides in NY, and CDC took about 3 hours to get
to the hospital.
edit 2: the patient was not vaccinated
edit 3: Measles can be spread through bodily fluids, and can stay in the air for up to 1
hour, living in NY, its anyones guess who transferred it to him, as another person said,
its possible that they came back from a country where measles hasnt been completely
dealt with.
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/u/mintakax
I was awakened one morning by a foul taste in my mouth. My infant son had climbed
out of his crib and was retrieving little shit balls from his diaper and putting them in my
mouth. This happened a long time ago, but I still remember the taste.
/u/NachoTranny
#700 Whats the most fucked up thing you have ever seen?
[NSFW]
2015-07-27 19:15:54
/u/burritobattlefield
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/u/SmellYaLater
When I first started staying at Ronald McDonald House, I met another kid of similar age
to me. He had lost one of his eyes to cancer. We used to play together, watch cartoons,
etc.
After a while, he started acting strangely. We were both really sick from chemother-
apy and radiotherapy but this was something dierent. He didnt want to do anything.
Wouldnt talk to me or look at me. I didnt understand.
My Mum found out and had to tell me that they found cancer in his other eye and it
would have to be removed, too. So he knew that he would be blinded within a couple of
weeks. He was only seven. That kind of shit from the hospital still has me waking up in
a panic at night.
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#699 [NSFW] Whats the dumbest dare you ever went
thru with that left lasting physical, mental or emotional
problems?
2015-07-25 01:15:25
/u/mr newell5001
/u/Usagii YO
Make out with the ugly girl at a house party. Everyone was fucked up on ketamine,
so pretty k-rocked as they used to say. So I make my way over to this girl(who had
no idea she was part of a dare) and swing her around romantic movie style over to me
and started making out with her. At some point soon thereafter, I notcied a pretty large
solid object in my mouth. Stop kissing, remove my tongue from her mouth and notice my
mouth is filled with blood. I then spit out what looks like a tooth. Somehow her tooth
came out during us making out.
No words were exchanged, we both simply spit out the blood and I gave her tooth back
then made a b-line exit to the next room with my group of friends.
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#698 Porn Actors of Reddit, what is something The view-
ers REALLY dont know?
2015-07-23 18:05:50
/u/wihskas2
/u/PostVictorianMan
That its dicult to stay hard when youre doing doggy style and your partner doesnt
practice good anal hygiene.
Source: Have made several no-budget porn movies featuring myself as lead actor.
/u/DarkLordMelketh
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#697 You need to kill someone using nothing but a grape.
How do you do it?
2015-07-21 18:23:57
/u/nomisrosen
edit: this got way more attention than a question about a grape should have gotten.
/u/mostlikelyatwork
Plant the seeds of the grape. Grow more grapes, sell some to cover cost of equipment,
grow more. (Repeat) Eventually build a massive vineyard. Use my money and influence
to kill them however rich people make their problems disappear. Sip wine menacingly.
/u/brobeusswagrid
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#696 What should people be ashamed of for not knowing
how to do?
2015-07-18 19:06:47
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Lightning McCheese
People ought to to know how to eectively google things. When something breaks or
doesnt work right, just google your problem, being as specific as possible, and see what
it says. Im not a tech guru, but I am capable of reading the first three links on google,
picking one that sounds right, and following step by step instructions. Please stop acting
so ignorant around the internet. Its not even just old people.
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#695 Redditors age 21+, whats something that makes
you feel really old?
2015-07-14 17:10:00
/u/(deleted user)
edit: Clearly I worded this question wrong. I wasnt implying that 21 was old. I probably
should have said something more along the lines of What situations have made you
realize that youre not still as young as you thought you were?
Example: Im 22. The moment it hit me was when I was student teaching and a student
called me Mr. Knight instead of by my first name. It was awkward because Im only a
handful of years older than them.
/u/UnionJames
So.
You know when youre stressed,
And you wake up reeling
With that feeling in your chest,
Stealing your breath?
Well when I was a kid
It seemed like everything I did
Left me scared to death,
Or drowned in doubt
And cast about,
Till Id fixed it in my head
And figured it out.
I used to wait,
Content to lie,
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And question who, and when, and why,
And where was I?
And did I fit?
And could I stand a life of it,
Or was it just too late?
And so I woke
And wished each day
To grow so fast
That all the past,
Would simply pass away.
TL,DR:
Ive recently come into contact with a few people who lost their Job over a Facebook type
social media outlet post, and it got me wondering. . . What kind of jobs take social media
post so seriously?
/u/Shylocv
I had to fire someone for one. He was a volunteer firefighter and left for a call which I
allowed. Fifteen minutes later someone showed me his 5 minute old post of him riding
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quads saying something along the lines of sometimes you just need to F o from work.
That put him on a final warning. He then left because he said HIS house was on fire then
half an hour later his wife tagged him in a photo of him sitting in a kiddie pool in front
of his house.
The funny thing is, in both cases, if he had simply asked to leave early I probably would
have said yes.
Edit: To clarify, this was over dierent days a few weeks apart and he worked for me but
also volunteered as a firefighter. The fire chief also found out about this and dismissed
him from that position as well. This guy had a few issues needless to say and honesty
was not something with which he was familiar.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Shitty Watercolour
watercoloured
http://i.imgur.com/HQyd9lQ.png
At night I returned.
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#693 An old team at reddit
2015-07-11 00:13:15
/u/samaltman
Ellen Pao resigned from reddit today by mutual agreement. Im delighted to announce
that Steve Human, founder and the original reddit CEO, is returning as CEO.
We are thankful for Ellens many contributions to reddit and the technology industry
generally. She brought focus to chaos, recruited a world-class team of executives, and
drove growth. She brought a face to reddit that changed perceptions, and is a pioneer for
women in the tech industry. She will remain as an advisor to the board through the end
of 2015. I look forward to seeing the great things she does beyond that.
Were very happy to have Steve back. Product and community are the two legs of reddit,
and the board was very focused on finding a candidate who excels at both (truthfully,
community is harder), which Steve does. He has the added bonus of being a founder with
ten years of reddit history in his head. Steve is rejoining Alexis, who will work alongside
Steve with the new title of cofounder.
A few other points. Mods, you are what makes reddit great. The reddit team, now
with Steve, wants to do more for you. You deserve better moderation tools and better
communication from the admins.
Second, redditors, you deserve clarity about what the content policy of reddit is going
to be. The team will create guidelines to both preserve the integrity of reddit and to
maintain reddit as the place where the most open and honest conversations with the
entire world can happen.
Third, as a redditor, Im particularly happy that Steve is so passionate about mobile. Im
very excited to use reddit more on my phone.
As a closing note, it was sickening to see some of the things redditors wrote about Ellen.
[1] The reduction in compassion that happens when were all behind computer screens is
not good for the world. People are still people even if there is Internet between you.
If the reddit community cannot learn to balance authenticity and compassion, it may be
a great website but it will never be a truly great community. Steves great challenge as
CEO [2] will be continuing the work Ellen started to drive this forward.
[1] Disagreements are fine. Death threats are not, are not covered under free speech, and
will continue to get oending users banned.
Ellen asked me to point out that the sweeping majority of redditors didnt do this, and
many were incredibly supportive. Although the incredible power of the Internet is the
amplification of voices, unfortunately sometimes those voices are hateful.
[2] We were planning to run a CEO search here and talked about how Steve (who we
assumed was unavailable) was the benchmark candidatehe has exactly the combination
of talent and vision we were looking for. To our delight, it turned out our hypothetical
benchmark candidate is the one actually taking the job.
NOTE: I am going to let the reddit team answer questions here, and go do an AMA
myself now.
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/u/spez
Ok, Hi!
Its Steve. Im super excited to be back.
Its been a crazy day. Ill be spending the next hour or so in the this thread answering
any questions, and then I need to do some serious bonding with the team here.
Weve got a lot of work to do. Fortunately, Ive got five years of ideas stacked up, and
Im looking forward to getting to work.
edit: taking o for a bit. Lots to do here!
edit2: Im going to do an Oce Hours / AMA tomorrow morning 10am pst. I think we
need some quality time together, reddit.
/u/Shitty Watercolour
welcome back! :)
http://i.imgur.com/PQRshm2.png
/u/cookiecutter
I was a camp counselor a few years ago at a camp for foster kids. One week a counselor
caught a camper (M15) in bed with another camper (F14). The room they were in was
tiny, and the four other girls in the bunks were awake and cheering them on. They were
loud enough to wake the counselor, who pulled the male camper out of bed. The guy had
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a zip lock bag around his dick, held in place by a rubber band. I was both impressed at
their dedication to trying to have safe sex, and appalled at how terribly they went about
it.
/u/WhatTheHorcrux
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/cookiecutter
I was a camp counselor a few years ago at a camp for foster kids. One week a counselor
caught a camper (M15) in bed with another camper (F14). The room they were in was
tiny, and the four other girls in the bunks were awake and cheering them on. They were
loud enough to wake the counselor, who pulled the male camper out of bed. The guy had
a zip lock bag around his dick, held in place by a rubber band. I was both impressed at
their dedication to trying to have safe sex, and appalled at how terribly they went about
it.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/-eDgAR-
Pets, especially considering there are millions of animals in shelters that have a lot of love
to give.
My dog, Snoopy (who recently passed) was bought from my neighbor for $20 when they
were about to give him up to a shelter and it was the best used purchase I have ever
made.
Edit: Since a few people have asked for pictures of Snoopy here is the first picture I have
of us together shortly after I got him and the last one, which are two of my favorites. Ill
also throw in this gif of him smiling.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/koltan
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#688 Whats the most insane coincidence youve experi-
enced?
2015-07-01 18:29:40
/u/-mArtiAn-
/u/boyskissinboys
When I was eleven, I was in the park like half a mile from my house and I was flying a
Winnie the Pooh kite. I was the only kid around with a kite at the time, and I was pretty
zoned into it, and didnt notice when the string came loose.
One hundred feet of twine zoomed away and out of reach, and Pooh Bear was gone.
Later that night, my family and I went out to eat, and when we came home there was a
string dangling from the gutter above our front door.
My dad grabbed it and started pulling. The string seemed to go all the way up into the
night sky, we couldnt see the end of it.
A hundred feet of pulling later, there was my Pooh Bear kite.
It came back to me.
Edit: My parents were dicks, so I didnt tell them Id lost the kite because they would
have bitched me out over it when I was already upset. I highly doubt either of them were
involved in its return.
The kite wasnt tied in place, it was just barely stuck against the rough edges of the
gutter. A strong wind could have easily blown it away.
/u/McZanderson
/u/boyskissinboys
/u/360Bryce
Pooh Kite.
http://i.imgur.com/p2aKPFw.jpg
/u/Mandible Claw
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/ThatScottishBesterd
Theres a story about the ancient chinese strategist Zhuge Liang who found himself in a
castle with only a token force, surrounded on all sides by an overwhelmingly larger force
being led by his rival, Sima Yi.
Both Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang were god-tier level tacticians, and had been pretty much
making each others lives misery for some time. Zhuge Liang was just a little bit more
god-tier though, and Sima Yi was terrified of him. So terrified that he went into every
encounter with Zhuge Liang expecting to stumble into traps within traps and Admiral
Akbar wasnt around yet to warn him about them.
He was so terrified of Zhuge Liang that, when Zhuge Liang actually died in the middle
of a battle, causing his forces to withdraw, Sima Yi called o a pursuit (that would have
been a massacre) because he was worried that Zhuge Liang wasnt really dead, and he
was being drawn into yet another trap.
Anyway, back to this fortress. . .
So Zhuge Liang knows that, if Sima Yi attacks, its probably all over. So when Sima
Yi arrives, he found the castle gates wide open and not a soul in sight; nobody except
Zhuge Liang himself, sitting on the castle walls and playing an ancient Chinese string
instrument (the name of which escapes me) in full sight of the approaching army.
Sima Yi was so taken aback by this bizarre arrangement that he reasoned this must be
an attempt to distract him. And after staring at Zhuge Liang in this seemingly empty
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fortress, the gates wide open to invite him in, and no sign of anything resembling an
ambush in the surrounding wilderness. . . .
Sima Yi noped right of there and went home because he just couldnt believe it would be
that simple.
Now that is a pretty badass blu.
/u/qihqi
For those interested, look up the book Romance of Three Kingdoms it is epic.
Edit: Here is the Wikipedia article about it. And this TV series is pretty good (Now
time to find the subtitle).
Edit2: If someone knows which English translation is better please let people know!
/u/skivian
/u/jqpeub
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#686 Hi - Im Sam Garland, AKA: /u/Poem for your sprog!
Ive just published my very first original collection, The
Mouse in the Manor House. AMA!
2015-06-24 00:29:21
/u/Poem for your sprog
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/Aint it a shame
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
So there we are - a sprog is a child. Its a play on the fact that my poems
enjoy the use of metered rhyme ( la childrens poetry), and the fact that
you have parent and child comments on reddit - with mine generally
being replies to the latter!
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
353
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/SuitGuySmitti
I once recorded a spoken version of one of my favorite poems of yours (the Gordon Freeman
one) but Im afraid it got lost in the comments when I posted it! :(
Did you ever hear it? What did you think?
I didnt hear this the first time around! Im so sorry - though I try and read
every reply I get, I often skip the links so that I can come back to them
later and respond via PM. I must have forgotten! Apologies again.
You perform that rhyme wonderfully :) Its so amazing to see people making
something more out of the words Ive written here. For example -
/u/Indiefieds songs
/u/motivatinggiraes illustrations
. . . and now yours too - its totally wonderful. I feel like I dont deserve it.
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#684 Hi - Im Sam Garland, AKA: /u/Poem for your sprog!
Ive just published my very first original collection, The
Mouse in the Manor House. AMA!
2015-06-23 23:18:35
/u/Poem for your sprog
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/uhhmeilyah
What advice would you give to a hobbyist poet who wants to be more engaged in a
community/have some audience for their work?
P.s. Thank you for prompting me to write whenever I come across one of your fantastic
pieces!
Sorry for the delay in answering this next one. Been typing out this behemoth
of a response -
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What I mean is enjoy yourself writing, and dont worry too much about
what other people think.
As for advice: Im probably the worst person to ask for tips on writing (seeing
as I barely know what Im doing. . . ), but Im happy to try! If you dont
mind, Ill also use this response to oer some more general advice too,
seeing as there are a lot of questions below asking for the same.
First things first, Ill show you what I do. Obviously, any advice is dependent
on the style youre trying to go for, but if its to produce something
similar in structure to one of mine, hopefully the below will be of (some)
use to you:
1. I try not to rhyme. No, wait - thats not quite right. Lets try
again:
2. Revised #1: I try not to try to rhyme (. . . thats a little bet-
ter.) Let me explain: I really like rhyme. Thats probably pretty
obvious, but I love the way it sounds read aloud. It boggles my
mind that eight little syllables of text on a white page can have
a wonderful rhythm that a capable author can naturally imbue
simply by selecting the right words. Thats what I try to do - and
often fail. The thing is, really trying to rhyme is a killer - both
for enthusiasm, and for the poem itself. Forced rhymes sound. . .
well. . . forced.
I guess what Im clumsily trying to say here is that its best to
practice loads until the rhymes come easily - until that sense of
rhythm that leads into the right sound at the end of a good line
is a natural thing.
3. Read! Some of my favourite poets are Roald Dahl, Spike Milligan,
and Shel Silverstein. I love the silly, playful sense of rhyme those
guys (all gone now, unfortunately) were capable of coming up
356
with. Childrens rhyme, in fact, but with a meaning that was
often far more dark or adult, or just funny on a level that you
didnt quite get as a kid. If I could write half-an-ounce as well as
any one of them, Id be a happy novice.
Thing is - these guys are quite good to start with, even if their
poems arent really your thing. They all tend to write within
certain rhyming schemes and structures, so theyre a good place
to look for a sense of rhythm and metre.
4. As a general tip, I pretty much consistently start at the end. This
isnt always true, of course, but I do always know where the poems
headed. The dicult part (or sometimes easy part, depending on
the mood youre in) is in getting there, but remember that the
journey is as important as the destination. On that note, I dont
consciously pick a metre either, but wait to see how the first couple
of lines come out. That pretty much decides it for me.
5. Read it aloud! Ive never clicked on the save tab on reddit with-
out reading whatever Ive written out loud first (and at least a
dozen times). I truly believe that all poetry is meant for hearing
like a good story, and its only when you actually say the words
that you can get a sense of how it actually sounds. Thats obvi-
ously even more true when youre dealing with rhyme - its pretty
much all about how it sounds. Writing in iambs or whatever,
youre only really gonna get a sense of how the stresses work -
that is, if theyre actually in the right place or not - by reading it
aloud.
Reading back through that now, it occurs that theres actually quite a lot of
crap surrounding a few very easy pointers - practice, read, write with
purpose, and read again (aloud). If thats remotely useful to you, then
fantastic. If not - sorry.
Lastly - if ever you need a willing reader and a critical eye, feel free to send
me something you write! That oer extends to everyone.
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#683 Hi - Im Sam Garland, AKA: /u/Poem for your sprog!
Ive just published my very first original collection, The
Mouse in the Manor House. AMA!
2015-06-23 22:36:29
/u/Poem for your sprog
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/Hibigimo
Dear Sprog,
I have often loved seeing your poetry on here. Whenever you comment in a thread I am
reading, i find my brothers and read o what you have written. We have shared much
laughter and sadness with your poems. I am very glad you reddit. So I am saying thank
you for all the hours you have put in. Your poetry has meant a lot and made us love
poetry more. In a super manly way, of course.
My question is, for the darker and more somber poems, is it just artistic insight that
you draw from, or is it personal? You just seem to be able to capture some of the more
melancholy emotions so well, it would make sense if you had experienced them.
Either way, i love your account and poetry. So much so that I am (hopefully) still in time
here.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Thanks so much for the kind words - Im pleased as hell that you and your
brothers have enjoyed the rhymes. What a fantastic compliment to
hear that you all read them! Thanks again.
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
359
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
The timing really does depend on a lot - the comment Im responding to, the
structure Ive chosen to write in, and the theme of the rhyme. Most
of my comments take about 10-20 minutes or so, but some of the more
360
serious, lengthier poems take quite a bit longer - and some of the silly
short ones take no time at all!
I dont know if I can accurately explain this, but Ill try anyway: something
just sort of feels right when you find the right comment. Its as though
its a square hole, and you know youve got the right square peg to fit
- all you need to do is figure out the angle to make it work.
361
/u/Poem for your sprog
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/allie00
Hi Sam,
Whats your day job?
362
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Wish me luck!
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
363
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/kimbiablue
Did you start with a regular reddit account before you decided to go with your novelty
one?
On that note, what inspired you to turn comments into poems?
Did you start with a regular reddit account before you decided to
go with your novelty one?
Ive asked myself the same question a number of times. Ill let the rhyme
explain:
364
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/kiwisurf
Hi sam, i havent come here to ask a question but instead came here to say thank you.
A while back you posted this:
I saw it before me in shadows of doubt - My means to salvation: my only way out. It
sat there in silence, and captured me, caught - Immune to my heartache, and deaf to my
thought:
I dont want a future, I solemnly swore, Of sadness and silence and loss anymore. I
dont want a witness to witness goodbye - I just wanted someone to care when I cry.
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I looked at it, waiting, and muttered a vow: Whatever. Lets do it. Its never or now.
Im ending it here, of an evening, alone. I reached out before me. . . and picked up the
phone.
I was in an extremely dark place at the time and was looking for something, anything to
give me the push i needed to seek help.
Your simple poem did this for me and I am well on the road to beating the severe
depression i was once in.
I am a huge fan of your work, you reach out and touch people with your words in a way
that relates so closely to them.
Thank you again sam. Please keep up the amazing work.
EDIT:
Thank you to the kind souls for gilding my comment.
If you ever feel the need to talk to someone then you simply must. I am more than happy
to speak to anyone here at anytime. I reached out and so can you.
Thanks so much for your comment, kiwisurf. Its hard to express this via text,
but its really humbling to read that something Ive written on reddit
has helped you in the real world in some small way.
Ive written quite a lot on depression over the last few years - as a consequence,
Ive had a lot of personal messages from people suering from anxiety-
related problems on a day-to-day basis. Though its really pleasing to
read that a rhymes connected with a person, its absolutely tragic that
a rhyme on a subject matter like depression can connect with so many.
Its such an awful shame that mental health issues are so misunderstood and
stigmatised in our allegedly progressive societies - but I think that it
is getting better over time.
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
366
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/craigster38
Hi Sam! Long time fan here! I know the one question everyone is dying to know! I was
hoping your book would clear this up, but alas, it did not. So,
Are you a guy or gal?
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Haha! This is wonderful. For whatever reason, this question has followed me
around for quite some time. Despite what some people have said (I
read every comment), Ive never explicitly commented on it myself.
Or am I?
;)
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
368
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/MeccAnon
What is your favourite poem? And what is your favourite that youve written?
Thats a really good question! Ive answered one above on my favourite poems
from others, but its surprisingly dicult to pick one of my own. There
are a few that, for one reason or another, are quite close to my heart.
Ill just mention 2 here, for the sake of time:
This one on OCD is probably the one that I see most linked to on reddit -
it seems to be the one that resonates with a lot of people, and Ive
received a lot of mostly-positive messages about it. I think it works
because theres just a very sudden change in tone - and it suits the
gravity of the theme.
To turn this question around though: which of them do you like best? Id
love to know :)
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#676 Hi - Im Sam Garland, AKA: /u/Poem for your sprog!
Ive just published my very first original collection, The
Mouse in the Manor House. AMA!
2015-06-23 20:19:10
/u/Poem for your sprog
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/SteamPunk Devil
Has there ever been a time when youve wrote a poem out be decided not to post it
because you didnt think reddit would like it?
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
There are lots of times when Ive written a rhyme and then decided not to
post it - but its actually because Im just not happy with the way it
turned out, more often that not. Im quite critical of my own stu - if
you look through my user page, youre sure to see a familiar little edit
asterisk alongside a fair few comments!
I cant help but toy with them sometimes. If theres anything that just sort
of sounds o in some way, Ill keep at it until its fixed (until I think
its fixed, that is), or until I delete the rhyme in frustration!
There are occasions where Ive been a little worried about what reddit might
think of a rhyme - I tend to start those poems, get about half-way
through, and then suddenly reconsider posting. . .
Hi!
My names Sam Garland - but you may know me better as /u/Poem for your sprog,
author of over 650 spontaneous rhymes on reddit (and another 150 or so via personal
message).
Over the last three years, Ive had the wonderful luck to write for all sorts of people, and
for many, many dierent occasions. Its been a massive amount of fun, and the support
and encouragement Ive received has been absolutely overwhelming.
Recently, I had the very exciting pleasure of announcing my first published mini-collection
- a selection of 10 fully-illustrated, child-friendly, never-before-seen-in-reddit-comments
rhymes, spanning 30 pages! Its available as a printed book and kindle-edition on Amazon
- all of the rhymes have been illustrated by the very talented Dan Long of eqcomics.
Okay reddit - AMA!
Edit: 5 hours later. . . thank you all for the fantastic responses and questions. Ive had so
much fun doing this, and it was long overdue! Thank you also to everyone whos looked
into the new collection - I hope you enjoy it!
Lastly - a huge thank you to the mods of /r/books, who are the most supportive and
friendly team of people you might ever hope to meet. Im genuinely grateful for all their
help and generosity.
For more original rhymes and collaborations, you can also follow me on Facebook and
Twitter. If anyones disappointed that I didnt get to their question, just send me a
371
message - and Ill be happy to continue the AMA via PM.
Until next time. . . :)
Sprog.
/u/DaedalusMinion
2. Favorite poem?
3. How many centuries of gold do you have?
A friend introduced me. Had I known beforehand how much time I would
eventually spend here, I might have sucker-punched him before he did.
Favorite poem?
Im gonna choose the very lazy way out here and pick a whole load of my
favourite poems, so that I dont have to pick the best. I read a lot
of dierent authors nowadays, but there are certain poems that have
stuck with me - and will continue to do so, Im sure - for life. I love Shel
Silversteins Where the Sidewalk Ends, Roald Dahls story-poems, such
as The Three Little Pigs, and anything by Spike Milligan and Edward
Gorey. Of course, then theres The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, If by
Rudyard Kipling, and pretty much anything by Dylan Thomas.
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A dragon woke and glanced around, depressed.
#674 People who have had sex with their best friends
parent, how did it go?
2015-06-22 00:50:04
/u/LilStein
/u/watermelons99
/u/GIVE ME A COMPLIMENT
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/pretentiously
Bend over and touch your toes. either to stretch or to help the world speed up the process
of fucking you in the ass
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#672 If you lived to be 100 years old, what would you say
was the secret to your longevity just to screw with every-
body?
2015-06-19 23:03:12
/u/BoydSchidt
/u/DeaconBlue1
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Ratfor
Waiting around for someone when you dont have clocks. Nobody has a watch, and youve
agreed to meet up in the afternoon. Get comfy, one of you will be waiting for a few
hours.
And nobody cares. Its just the way it is. Nobody is really bothered by people showing
up late. When youre counting seconds, being a few minutes late is a big deal. When
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your conception of time is: Sunrise, early morning, midmorning, before noon, noon, after
noon, late afternoon, early evening, evening, sunset, night being o by one isnt really so
big a deal.
/u/Pagan-za
In south africa we have dierent ways of telling time. If you ask someone when theyre
going to do something you could get a reply of now, now now, or just now.
Now is now
Just now is anytime from now to tomorrow
now now is soon.
/u/FeelingSassy
S:Now. Youre looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
D:What happened to then?
S: We passed then.
D: When?
S: Just now. Were at now now.
D: Go back to then.
S: When?
D: Now.
S: Now?
D: Now.
S: I cant.
D: Why?
S: We missed it.
D: When?
S: Just now.
D: When will then be now?
S: Soon.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Printers. They are just so aggravating. Im not sure what Id expect them to be like in
2015, but something should be dierent. For one thing, why cant there be a printer that
will print in black and white if one of the 50 color cartridges has ran out of ink? Its just
frustrating.
379
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/fastrthnu
Completely remove their natural eyebrows and then draw them somehow.
/u/heliotach712
I was dating a girl for months, unaware that she did this. I almost had a seizure when
I saw her come out of the bathroom with her eyebrows. . . erased(?). She looked like
Voldemort.
/u/cinepro
I knew a girl who did this. Once she drew them on too high. When I told her she looked
surprised.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
edit: Front page of askreddit! Time to throw a party worthy of being in this thread :D
/u/xRaw-HD
Repost from another thread here: At a birthday party for a 4 year old in my neighborhood,
we (the parents and I) caught the clown masturbating in the kids bedroom holding a
picture of the mom.
Credit: /u/SueKam
/u/flyingbalooga
Much better than holding a picture of the kid. Or just holding the kid.
/u/xRaw-HD
That would have been disturbing as shit. Fuck clowns are scary.
381
/u/Epic Phel
/u/wildistherewind
/r/nocontext
/u/silverblaze92
Have sex.
/u/im a slav 4 u
/u/ThisIsReLLiK
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/comicsandpoppunk
Someone keeps reporting his photos as nudity. The more he complains about it, the more
likely I am to start joining in.
Edit: its not Steve or Stephen or Phil or Sergio or whoever else you think it might be.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
/u/2bass
Oh god that reminds me. A while back, a guy on my Facebook accidentally posted a video
of himself jerking it. And it took almost a full day before he realized it, so for dayyyyyys
there were tons of posts from his various family members telling him how disappointed
in him they were, how his grandmother had seen it, etc.
Probably the greatest actual Facebook drama Ive experienced.
383
/u/B0yWonder
/u/ctrlaltelite
#664 What fan theories have blown your mind with their
devastating logic?
2015-06-08 18:42:24
/u/Exdee1
384
/u/superswellcewlguy
In the Half Life series, the reason Gordon Freeman doesnt talk is because he keeps all
his weapons in his mouth.
/u/CorDa616
385
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Flowsephine
Porn magazines
386
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MarkDeath
First, flood market with potatoes. Every single shop, fast food store, etc. has your
potatoes. Theyre so cheap that no one can compete and ends up moving to other crops
since they cant make a profit. Now, once your potato hegemony is established, slowly roll
back potato supply. Enough to cause some rise in prices but not enough for panic. All of
a sudden, stop potato supply. No one can supply enough to match your previous supply
and the Great International Potato Inflationary Crisis occurs. World leaders clamour for
you to resume your supply, and you laugh maniacally from your potato funded spaceship.
Hold the world to ransom as supplies of chips, fries and crisps dwindle and die. Once
sucient panic has been created, get plastic surgery done and come back to Earth as the
Potato Messiah, slowly bringing back potatoes to the world. The world is so grateful that
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they vote you World Leader. If they dont, cut o potato supply again.
Edit: apparently I might face invasion - potato funded private military for my sovereign
space state of Potatica would be used to fend o attacks and burn down competing potato
farms on Earth. I mean Im not saying youd want to destroy peoples lives and incomes,
but they really shouldnt be growing potatoes.
Anyway, with near infinite potatoes, you have infinite ammo. With enough research and
development wed have potato bullets, potato armour, potato piercing rounds and potato
cannonballs. Global military eort wouldnt stand a goddamn chance against the might
of Potatica.
Edit 2: obligatory edit saying thanks for the gold!
/u/mynameipaul
They key would be to make potatoes so cheap, that you not only undercut other potato
suppliers, but other food suppliers in general.
Undercut the rice and grain industry etc. Potato becomes the staple of every poor person
the world over, to the point where rice is replaced in asia. People are consuming such
reduced quantities to other foods (to take advantage of these super-cheap potatos!) that
the production of other foods dwindles and falls away.
Then cut o your potato supply and watch a global famine crisis strike. . . from your
potato funded space ship.
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#660 What non living thing has made you so mad that
you destroyed it?
2015-05-29 16:38:57
/u/amaninsane
/u/rustlethemjimmies
389
mad trying to reason it all out.
So one night.. I got in that old shitfighter, wearing that necklace, and I lined up the
powerpole at the end of the road 3km away.. And then I began accelerating. I hit
190km/h by the time I left the road. But then I missed the power pole, and rolled the
car 4 times, and somehow walked away from the wreck.. One week later, I destroyed the
necklace. Broke every linkage. Turned the rock to dust.. And put it in an envelope and
gave it straight back to her.
They say your soulmate isnt the person you have the most in common with, but the
person who feels like home. I felt like our relationship was home. No amount of other
relationships of any depth or commitment with completely dierent girls were the same.
But.. I grew up, and just like real life, when you grow up, you move out of home. My
future doesnt lie at what feels like home.
Nicole, I hope youre doing okay. I hope he makes you happy.
TLDR - Wrecked a car and a necklace, both of which I bought because of puppy love for
a girl
EDIT: sooooooo /u/filmmak has so generously decided that he/she would like to turn
this into a short film if anyone is interested? Shit ey. . . I wont lie, Im mass keen. And
all dis gold. Wat do? Cheers!
#659 What are some ugly facts about famous and well-
liked people of history that arent well known by the public?
2015-05-28 19:26:49
/u/- -Hamodi
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/u/bowyer-betty
Dr. Seuss cheated on his dying wife then married the mistress after his wife killed herself.
She left a really sad suicide note.
/u/EPluribusUnumIdiota
Dear Ted, What has happened to us? I dont know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down
down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud
in my ears from every side I hear, failure, failure, failure. . . I love you so much . . . I
am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of life
without you . . . My going will leave quite a rumor but you can say I was overworked
and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed . . .
Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years . . .
Dear Ted,
So long, my love.
Be free.
#658 Reddit, What lesser known Apps cant you live with-
out?
2015-05-27 16:53:58
/u/AdamSC1
Yeah we know you are addicted to Snapchat and Facebook but what less common apps do
you find yourself using day in and day out? What are the apps that are hard to discover
that are really worth it when you do!
It can be for iOS, Android - heck even Windows Phone or Blackberry if you swing that
391
way! I dont judge!
/u/eluuu
/u/lokigodofchaos
Back when I played WoW, I noticed my girlfriends period synced up with the Darkmoon
Faire. It was a lifesaver.
/u/yours duly
A great codeword too for when youre answering phone in front of your gf.
Dude wanna join us for few beers?
Sorry bro I cant. Darkmoon Fair is on this week.
/u/Donald Keyman
Greeting your coworkers. At 1PM Im all like Hey Hannah and then shes all like Hey
Donald! but at 1AM Im still all like Hey Hannah and then shes all like what the
fuck are you doing in my house?
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/u/Plz Dont Gild Me
/u/anotherpoweruser
To the men: Dont worry so much about your dick. Whether its circumcised or not, or
small or big. Some woman (or man) will fall in love in with that dick, so you need to also
love your dick.
I love your dick ()
/u/ vargas
As far as size is concerned, I think most guys, at some point, have wished they had a big
penis. This is completely normal. I know Ive thought about it before. And not just in
regards to the perceived additional sexual prowess, either. I would treat it as if it were
some fancy gadget. Kind of like a Fitbit. Id walk down the street and casually show it
o. Or maybe use it as an icebreaker at parties. Like, Id take it out and make balloon
393
animals with it or use it to gain an advantage during beer pong. Stu like that.
But having a massive doing isnt all its cracked up to be. Its like being rich yeah, its
fun at first, until you realize you also have a new set of problems to deal with.
First o, the human body wasnt meant to have a big pecker. We define big as any-
thing over four inches (or 0.77 meters in metric speaking countries). The fact that giant
schlongs exist is an evolutionary aberration which science believes is caused by the spike
in GMO-modified crops over the last half century (GMOs are used because many states
in conservative middle America outlawed HMOs with the No HMO Act of 1962.)
Long story, short bigger dingles require more blood to achieve inflacitude. Thanks to
the large amount of blood that gets diverted away from other parts of the body, each
erection is accompanied by dizziness and dry mouth. Not good if you operate heavy
machinery or make your living as a wine somalian.
Lightheadedness isnt the only side eect, either. It can be a downright nuisance, always
getting in the way and stu. Its constantly getting squished, sat on, accidentally zipped
up, or otherwise brutalized. Not to mention you cant do many normal activities that the
less-endowed can. Sunbathing in the nude, for instance. A chicken hawk might happen
upon your position and think your hog is some sort of land fish and want to make a meal
of the thing.
Many men think having a big package guarantees a better sexual experience for their
partner. Usually, this is not the case. Yes, most women enjoy being filled up. But they
dont like to be as overstued as a drug mules colon. And they certainly dont fancy the
man bottoming out on their cervix like an old Buick going over a pothole. Im told the
feeling is roughly equivalent to being slapped in the nose by a wieball bat.
But that can only happen if the penis actually makes inside the woman. Thats brings
me to my next point: not all women can accommodate erections on the higher side of
average. They have size restrictions which they are physically incapable of deviating from.
So what happens when you take your summer sausage to a pants party that only lets in
cocktail wienies? You get left out in the cold, thats what.
A dinky wang, however, can get in almost anywhere. Take it from me. I call my weiner
The Preposition, because it can go anywhere a mouse can. My cock has never cock-
blocked me. It just isnt very intimidating. Girls dont look at it like its some huge
mountain to climb. More of a foothill, really. Also, I can usually fit my entire willy and
most my testicles in a standard mouth cavity all at once. Try doing that with a big
junk and youre likely to end up choking the poor person to death. Then, you end up in
jail, where your oversized johnson actually can come in handy, especially if you need to
strangle your cellmate because his snoring is keeping you up at night.
/u/AsnSensation
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
>Try doing that with a big junk and youre likely to end up choking the
poor person to death. Then, you end up in jail, where your oversized
johnson actually can come in handy, especially you need to strangle
your cellmate because his snoring is keeping you up at night.
Do my homework: Research all the applications Ill need for text to speech and for
speech to text, get my phone set up to be usable without sight, look into getting on
some sort of assistance program, find whatever resources for the blind are available
in my area and make them easily accessible.
Get myself a seeing eye dog from a qualified trainer and assure my other dog that
395
this doesnt diminish our relationship, I just need someone who wont pull me into
trac in the pursuit of a discarded hamburger wrapper.
Put in my 24 hour notice at work, and talk a few of the waitresses into showing me
their goodies because Ill never get to see them again. Have a bathroom quicky
with the slutty one when she tries to make it better the only way she knows how.
Blind-proof my house, reinstall the handrails I removed when I bought the place
from an old blind lady, and roll my eyes remembering how I fucking knewI just
knew that someday Id regret taking those things o.
Call up an ex, explain the situation, and go camping with her in a nearby mountain
range. Steaks over a campfire, a few glasses of scotch, and some banging in front of
a sunset.
Make her drive my blind ass home in the morning, and get ready to move on with
my life.
/u/IgnorantLobster
>Do my homework
NEEERDDD
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#654 Ireland Says Yes: Early Results Indicate Win for
Equal Marriage - Its a historical day for Ireland, Minister
for Health Leo Varadkar told RT, adding that if any con-
stituencies voted No, it would only be a handful.
2015-05-23 14:25:23
/u/Short Term Account
[Link]
:)
/u/pwlocke13
Id let the world know of my power, and also inform them Im accepting donations to
keep yourself alive. Id kill the biggest donors.
397
/u/NotAnAI
/u/jonny orange
The worlds biggest game of musical chairs. 7 billion people, 6.3 billion chairs. The only
question left is what song to use.
/u/lightstuonfire
398
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Maybe you could calculate a path and launch it to space so that it takes around 1000
years for it to return to earth.
EDIT: If you are already going to spend money to get it to space, you might as well invest
to something that would get it back through atmosphere. Something like a giant vacuum
that suck the air in front of it. Or mobile swimming pool. You know, water is excellent
at absorbing the heat - might absorb some energy from the hit to earth too. Bonus points
if the cube is inside a rubber duck so it floats should it hit ocean on return.
/u/prendagast
399
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Zwieback in Bosco
400
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Naweezy
When a girl says If you cant handle me at my worst, you dont deserve me at my best
Bitch mode 99.99% of the time.
401
#648 What jobs attract the biggest assholes?
2015-05-13 18:09:11
/u/listentome5
/u/CaptainDickfingers
[user banned].
Ive heard a couple of stories of some horrible and weird things, but Im really interested
to know more about the male struggle.
/u/Redaisenjack
Anyone accidently peed between the toilet seat while sitting down? I got so confused I
didnt even stop peeing for lile 5 secound.
Edit: ( )
/u/Ucalegon666
Yup. Thats why I have to tuck my dick between my legs and point it down - and hold
it there - the whole time Im taking a dump. No matter the toilet, Ill always find that
magic space between the seat and the rim. Wet pants suck.
402
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Im interested in hearing about personal experiences, rather than general societal changes.
/u/sirophiuchus
My brother is ten years younger than me; hes seventeen, eighteen soon. Im gay, he isnt.
He goes to the same school I went to.
When I was there? No out gay kids.
For him? There have been two/three out guys in his year since they were all thir-
teen/fourteen.
Honestly, Im kind of jealous envious. I didnt realise my sexuality till I was 17 and didnt
come out till 19.
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I miss the way it was before,
And how it used to be.
To those, my friend, I say: at last!
How fine, and fair, and right.
Im often pleased the past has passed.
The futures looking bright.
/u/sirophiuchus
Aw, a comment of mine got replied to by /u/Poem for your sprog? Awesome! Ill see if
I can muster a reply.
If all we were was known to us
When we were yet so young
If truth and beauty had appeared
And from the forehead sprung
If pain and doubt and loss and tears
Had never had to be
If all was as I know it should. . .
I wouldnt now be me.
Its true Im shaped by what has passed
And am at least content
But sometimes something stirs and says:
I wish twas dierent
Lovely :)
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#645 Older gay redditors, how noticeably dierent is so-
ciety on a day-to-day basis with respect to gay acceptance,
when compared to 10, 20, 30, 40+ years ago?
2015-05-10 15:29:33
/u/AnotherHereYeHereYe
Im interested in hearing about personal experiences, rather than general societal changes.
/u/sirophiuchus
My brother is ten years younger than me; hes seventeen, eighteen soon. Im gay, he isnt.
He goes to the same school I went to.
When I was there? No out gay kids.
For him? There have been two/three out guys in his year since they were all thir-
teen/fourteen.
Honestly, Im kind of jealous envious. I didnt realise my sexuality till I was 17 and didnt
come out till 19.
405
#644 Everyone has at least one good story. Whats yours?
2015-05-08 18:25:14
/u/okjersey
Asked the question and promptly forgot about it until 6 hours later. Needless to say, I
was surprised when I logged back in.
Edit: I asked, and you told. It will take me a day or two, but I will read every comment.
/u/hank moo d
Shadow-silent, slowly-easing
Through the shade to see them squeezing,
Groping, pleasing, touching, teasing,
Rapt with dark delight
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#643 If you could tell Reddit to shut the hell up about
one thing forever, what would it be?
2015-05-06 19:07:33
/u/3 Mighty Ninja Ducks
/u/disney princess
/u/bundycamp
/u/JaguarGator9
Rip inbox
#642 Men of reddit, when was the last time you cried and
why?
2015-05-04 18:51:34
/u/sameask
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/u/Mike Tythun
/u/homardg
Youre not alone. You and I both, brother. It doesnt matter how slow we go, well
eventually get there.
#641 Who were the first redditors, and what did they
post in the early days of reddit ?
2015-05-03 19:17:49
/u/ilove42
/u/paistywhiteboy
The first redditors emerged in the African plains roughly 120k years ago following a
prolonged warming period. Popular posts around this time include Stick point Point
(+347/-20) , and Ug Fail AAAAYYY LMAO (+632/-140). An interesting side-note:
a popular comment from the early days of Reddit, huh? has been reposted constantly
408
in nearly every language since it was first posted by u/PM ME YOUR ROCK, perhaps
making it the dankest meme of all time.
/u/AdmiralJeRK
Having a first kiss. Holding hands with a girl that I like or liked. That sort of thing. Ive
been bothered by that for a long time.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:)
There are lots of gadgets designed to help with things, but what is better the old fashioned
way?
/u/The Jizzbot
Reading a book
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#638 TIL a woman won $1.3 million lottery.She hid it
from her husband and immediately divorced him to avoid
giving him half. He found out and sued. Due a Family
Code statute that penalizes spouses for falsifying data about
their property during divorce, judge ordered her to give him
100% of the winnings.
2015-04-30 16:28:46
/u/babybopp
[Link]
/u/eurostylin
I won $60 on a scratch o ticket (a lot for a college kid), went to the bar with my buddies,
ended up meeting a girl there who was the waitress. 8 years later, were married.
Believe me, in the end, that $60 ticket cost me a lot of money.
/u/Spayde D
/u/AvatarofSleep
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/riotoustripod
When I was 8 years old, I found a dirty old fish tank in the attic and begged my mom
to let me get some fish. She agreed, on the condition that I had to clean the fish tank
first. This was no small task, since the thing was absolutely filthy, but I took it out in
the yard (with my dads help) and spent the next couple of hours scrubbing it until it
was spotless. Excited, I ran back inside to tell my mom I was finished, and she came out
to inspect my work. When we came around the corner of the house, I saw my younger
brother running away from my spotless fish tank, laughing maniacally. Hed somehow
found a hammer lying around and smashed all the glass in the three minutes Id left it
unattended. I never did get another fish tank. Dick.
EDIT: For those who are curious, no, he wasnt punished. Our parents figured he didnt
know any better; yes, he was young, but not quite that young. This probably explains
why he pulled this kind of crap to begin with. No, I didnt get revenge for this specific
incident, but I definitely did some shitty things over the next few years so we probably
412
ended up about even. And yes, I was convinced for years that Mom put him up to it
because she didnt want to follow through with her end of the bargain.
/u/teresathebarista
This is heartbreaking.
/u/SciFiXhi
/u/Hoatzinnn
I got a 9.9 (grades go from 1-10) on a physicsreport about Global Warming because the
teacher doesnt give 10s. Pretty sure this was the start of the decline of my motivation
wow, what a fucking convoluted sentence
for education.
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/u/CuntyMcGiggles
I had a science teacher in high school that took o marks if your report didnt have a
cover page with pizzaz. I always got perfect on the actual science parts of the test but
lost marks because I didnt use enough colors or sparkles on the cover page.
/u/FoieyMcfoie
Maybe he was training you for real life. In real life, nobody gives a shit about good you
did, only how good it looks
#635 what was the most shocking thing you heard the
quiet kid say?
2015-04-26 21:55:15
/u/phoenix781
/u/ThePeoplesBard
Nothing. Let me explain: I took a class with Seung-Hui Cho, the Virginia Tech shooter,
one semester before the shooting. The class was called Contemporary Horror. It was
a one-time elective oered by my favorite professor; we read horror novels and watched
horror films and discussed the craft of creating scary stories but also how they reflected
or represented their eras fears. It was a great class. There were only about 15 students
and it was discussion heavy. Cho was one of them. I honestly never noticed him, even in
that small class, until half way into the semester. He wasnt quiet; he was silent. So on
the day we all finally noticed him, our professor asked him something directly. And Cho
just stared at him. I cant remember the question, but the nature of it meant silence was
potentially an acceptable and funny response. So we all laughed. Except Cho. He just
kept staring at our professor. Our laughter awkwardly died, and after a few moments
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of uncomfortable silence, our professor just said, Oookay, and moved on. It was so
strange. But I forgot about that weird moment until after his rampage.
That professor later told me that Chos papers had been disturbing, but the nature of
our course meant the envelope was being pushed a bit, and it had never been bad enough
to suggest hed do what he did. That professor was a good man, and he admitted he
struggled with not blaming himself on some level for 1) not identifying how severe Chos
mental health problems were and 2) for the graphic and terrible nature of some of what
we watched in that class which may have inspired Cho. He knew that was bullshit, but
a part of him couldnt help but feel some blame. It was terribly sad.
Edit: Added the second para.
/u/ThadChat
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/u/chinesewigshop
I used to teach ESOL and TEFL and taught many women who had married through
agencies. They were all supporting people back home. The husbands were, by and large,
nice enough guys who didnt have the most amazing social skills. A few ladies were past
45 and looking for a new adventure in life. They spoke about sex the same way they
spoke about housework or any task to be completed. They were also doing it to have kids
in safer, healthier places. None of them where in love with the men but they all loved
them. The men all adored them, just worshipped the very ground they walked on. On
average it seemed to work out as well as more traditional arranged marriage as we in the
West think of as commonly happening in places like India.
/u/Skruburu
/u/DanielPlainview22
The Average Cost On average, pursuing a mail order bride will cost you between $1000
to $15,000. There are many things included in this price:
1. Reputable Sites. It is best to stay away from free websites, since they are often
filled with scams. One man relates the cost of a bride to that of buying a car. He
claims It all depends on what you are willing to spend.
2. Catalogs. The next part of the price includes the catalogs used to make the selec-
tions. Each of these will usually run around $120.
3. Translation Fees. Since a large amount of these foreign brides do not speak English,
a person must hire a translator for phone and other forms of correspondence. They
will usually charge $6 per minute on the phone.
4. Addresses. When a man becomes serious about a few women, he will want to
purchase the girls address to send letters and gifts. Addresses usually will cost
between $10 and $15. A translator will also be needed for these letters which will
normally adds another $10 to $15 a letter.
Dating After Finalizing A Bride
It is always best to meet the future bride in her home country. The family will probably
want to meet the girls future husband. This meeting is referred to as a romance tour.
These trips can cost anywhere from $3500 to $7000. If things go well and a ceremony will
be performed, it is necessary to file a K1 Visa. The fee for this is $450, but $250 is usually
needed to pay for translation of the documents. Statistics show that ever year, thousands
of mail order brides come to this country. Over three quarters of these marriages end
happily and are long lasting. There are many hidden costs associated with pairing with
an international mate. Even as the internet has made the process a bit easier, the cost of
mail order brides is still a bit high, but proven to be worth it in the end.
http://www.mailorderbrideprices.com/
Edit: I am not an expert on mail order brides. All of this information comes from the
website that I linked at the bottom of my post.
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/u/Skruburu
/u/Deadmeat553
Uh. . . No.
What would they do? Repo your wife?
/u/Huntred
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/rufl
My dad died while in work. His heart just stopped suddenly.. He was the only one in his
work trained to use the defibrillator
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Its strong and its shiny. Its nice and its neat.
Its perfect for purpose, constructed complete!
Its sorted, you whisper, and sigh with a smirk. . .
edit: woah this is on the hot page of askreddit?? how fitting that this happen for the first
time on my birthday thx guys!!
/u/mattythedog
/u/VargasIsMissing
Thats a lot more fun than Suburban exploration. I mean, it is kind of cool when you
first discover theres a whole third row in the back. But after exploring a few of them,
you realize that Chevrolet made them all pretty much identical.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/GimliTheAsshole
One of Ours
Wait a minute. . . Wait a minute. . . .its One of Ours captain!!!!
Well, lets keep looking.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/ouikipedia
/u/Draw4fun
I just racked my brain replaying Anaconda in my head for a good 2 minutes trying to
figure out how the fuck its not about snakes. Then realized this post is about songs. . .
Like that movie had some deep sub-plot I never caught. Fuck morning browsing.
/u/Lukezordz
This made me blow more air out from my nostrils than usual. Thanks!
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Im so sick of this archetypal Nerdy Sweet Vidja Dream Girl rhetoric on reddit. I
want her to be just one of the bros. She has to love Vidja and share all of my same
interests. She should like eating steak and driving muscle cars. She should be funny, and
not up-tight, and laugh at fart jokes.
Well. . .
There are tons of those.They are called guys. You want a guy friend. The stock market for
girly-girls has plummeted because you neckbeards think its more endearing to nerd-fetish
than to be open to new things.
There are an endless amount of dierent types of people in this world. You will never
meet all of them, because there are just too many. I get it, your ideal hypothetical
girlfriend plays video games, thats really interesting, and neat, and fun. I play video
games too, maybe you could buy my fat, hairy, skyrim-loving ass dinner and we can talk
about leveling techniques in Oblivion until dawn. . . but wouldnt life be more interesting
if you wernt looking for a female version of yourself? Flowers get o on cross pollination,
biodiversity makes for a rich landscape, you shut-in narcissist. Your life, too, will become
422
richer if you leave your comfort zone.
So to answer your question, OP, my SO is really into gardening and bluegrass music and
hiking. All of those things are neat because any interest is as good as another, so long as
you do them together and enrich each others lives.
Edit: Dear mother of god, my inbox is filled with praise and death threats. Thanks for
the dialogue/Ill just go to hell. Either way, if we were all the same this website and world
would suck.
/u/TheDeadCruiser
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#627 Have you ever left in the middle of a date? If so,
why?
2015-04-09 21:30:59
/u/razor-ramon
/u/Austin-tatious
She was from a nuclear family with lots of money. In itself, not a bad thing. However,
she proceeded to go on a rant about trashy people from divorced/remarried and single
parent families, and how those people would never amount to anything, that sort of thing.
She also mentioned how she could tell I was from a traditional family with wholesome
values, not some loser raised by a slutty single mother or influenced by a runaway, dead-
beat father (her words) because I was clearly raised right. At this point, I get up from
the table, track down the wait sta, and ask for separate checks. As she proceeds to call
me an asshole for not paying for her meal and acts confused about why, I tell her not to
contact me again, but that Ill be sure to pass on to my single mother that people are
noticing how well she raised me.
edit
So. . . I got gold. I dont know what it does or what Im supposed to do with it, but if
theres a way to pay it forward I guess thatll do nicely. Thanks, anonymous benefactor!
edit again So I got a second gold? Im grateful, dont get me wrong, but its not like I
really did anything. . .
Also Im sorry I cant respond to everyone! There are a lot of comments to which Id love
to respond, but, and I cant believe Im about to say this, other things take priority over
reddit. . . usually.
/u/TonyNevada1
Good for you man. Glad to read you made the right choice.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#626 Deaf people of Reddit, when and how did you find
out that people can hear you farting?
2015-04-08 20:51:27
/u/Zos Kia
/u/xterraguy
/u/IranianGenius
An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through, she leans over
and says, I just had a silent fart. What should I do? He replies, Put a new battery in
your hearing aid.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#625 What life lesson you wished you had known sooner
or wished that someone had told you earlier in your life?
2015-04-05 19:18:21
/u/KiKenTai
/u/Professor Clayton
when i moved out of the house, my dad pulled me aside and said, son, either a
month from now or six months from now or whatever youre going to think its a
good idea to sell drugs. im here to tell you its never a good idea to sell drugs. if
you sell drugs, druggies will come to your house. those people are annoying as fuck.
its a lot more work than it sounds, and it isnt worth it. /u/twistedbeats
Never have sex with a girl that does not want it as bad as you do. If you are
with a girl that thinks sex is something she gives and you recieve, get away from
her.Sex should be mutually satifying and desireable. If she see it as a gift she has
to bestow upon you, she is not stable enough for you to bother with. Let her go.
/u/1angrydad
this awesome advice from /u/Anastik
Being good at something doesnt mean it has to be your career. /u/tiwuno
Lower your expectations and expect nothing of people. Youll be a lot happier that
426
way. [deleted]
Dont stick your dick in crazy. [reddit in general]
That you can waste an awful lot of life waiting around for the cool part to start.
This isnt a book or a movie. If you have a roof, food and someone who loves you,
that IS the cool part. /u/Visionism
Take advantage of time with your grandparents, they wont be around forever.
/u/mmmjr16
Not everyone is a good person, and its better to let those people leave your life.
/u/ItalianManInDixiLand
The college doesnt care about your boss, your boss doesnt care about your mom,
your mom doesnt worry about your friends, your friends arent worried about your
grades. /u/HelpMeLoseMyFat
If it wont bother you in a month, dont let it bother you now /u/ sidnata
People are not against you, they are only for themselves /u/OttieandEddie
measure your front door before you buy furniture. . . /u/BurtonRider85
Ignore everyones gender, race, sexuality, job, etc. Ignore what they profess to
believe. Focus instead on how they treat others and that will tell you everything
about who they really are and what they actually believe. /u/omnithought
If you always seem to have drama in your life, you are probably the one causing the
drama. /u/HopeImNotAStalker
The world starts where your comfort zone ends. /u/Everyoneheresamoron
When writing an important email, enter the address in the to field after completing
the email, to prevent premature sending. [deleted]
If you need to make a decision flip a coin. Because in that moment the coin is in
the air youll realise what it really is you want. /u/StickDoctor
Life and people evolve and change. Sometimes, theres just some things that will
never be the same, no matter how badly we want them to be. Appreciate what
youve had, what your opportunities ahead may be, and ACCEPT that you may
never be there again. Do it gracefully if you can. /u/heartsnoble6
My father once told me, Never make fun of the way someone laughs or eats because
they wont want to do either around you. [deleted]
Nobody cares what you were thinking; they care what you did
/u/anotherpoweruser
Dont burn a bridge until youre sure youre never crossing it again.
/u/SourceCollector
If you are contantly having to fight then youre going the right direction.
/u/Advils Devocate
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.Which
road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I
dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesnt matter. Alice in
Wonderland /u/jpskim
This quote from Bob Ross.
If you know a girl online and for 2 years she comes up with multiple excuses as to
why her webcam and microphone wont work, and she has no phone. . . Its a dude.
/u/Pattoe89
427
Dig the best ditches and your reward is a bigger shovel. /u/CowJam
If you EVER get caught with your eyes closed at your desk, immediately say
Amen. /u/mc2157
Just because shes hurting doesnt mean you can help her. /u/DreadfulRauw
>One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a
tree.Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go?
was his response. I dont know, Alice answered. Then, said the
cat, it doesnt matter. Alice in Wonderland
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#624 What have you been most tempted to do but never
gone through with?
2015-04-04 19:02:15
/u/Euphobos91
/u/JasonSteelflex
The guy that lives above me is a prick. I always think about slipping a frozen disk of piss
under his door at night
/u/jazzytrombone
/u/JasonSteelflex
The best part is that it can be upgraded if he doesnt get the message. A little asparagus
for dinner or some black ink in the puck can take it to a new level
/u/jontherealhero
Thats brilliant. But how do you get it in the door? Dont m{o}st doors have [a] weath-
ering strip?
[edit] {edit2}
/u/squidofhearts
Lots of apartment buildings dont do that for front doors, since they open to a hallway.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:edit: So many good stories, thanks everyone for sharing! My retail experiences are tame
comparatively.
/u/kane55
I worked at a small convenience store in the early 1990s. They had one of those fry delis
that had chicken, jojos, corndogs, burritos etc. This particular night I had run out of
burritos and chicken. I also shut the thing down and cleaned it all out about an hour
before closing.
About 5 minutes before I was closing up a guy walked in and asked for some burritos.
I told him I was out of them, and that I was just about to close and the fryer was shut
down. He walked around the store for a minute (I assumed he was looking for something
else to buy) and then he came up to the counter, pulled out a knife and told me if I didnt
cook him some burritos he was going to stab me.
I freaked out, but told him I had none to cook. I showed him the freezer and told him I
would happily cook anything he wanted from it, but he will see I was out of burritos. He
looked in it for a minute, turned to me and said, You really are out. I replied, Yeah.
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He then put the knife away and left the store.
Edits:
Just to clarify: A jojo is basically a deep fried potato wedge. They were very popular
where I grew up. I guess there are other names for them in other parts of the country,
but where I grew up we called them jojos and you ordered them by weight. For example
you would say, Give me a half pound of jojos.
Also, as far as I know the guy never got caught. I called the police and described the guy,
but never head from them again so I assume he got away. The Burrito Bandito could still
be roaming the streets.
And thanks for the gold kind Burrito loving soul!
Its ocial. My highest rated comment ever is about nearly being stabbed over a burrito.
/u/SnipeyMcSnipe
The man didnt love burritos as much as he hates people who lie about burritos
/u/Murda6
Hes been lied to before about burritos and he will be damned if he is lied to again.
/u/SnipeyMcSnipe
Turns out his dad left to get a burrito one day but never came back
Dear father,
431
#622 Aliens have just arrived on earth. They are killing
every human being that cant impress them. Its your turn
in line, what do you do?
2015-04-03 16:33:51
/u/Gamblingmoose
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#621 Happily divorced people of reddit, when did you
realize your marriage was over and it was time to file?
2015-03-29 16:47:14
/u/blue lotus
/u/burntorangepeels
When I stopped being angry or hurt about angering and hurtful things. I realized I didnt
care anymore, and it was over.
433
#620 You are instantly transported back into yourself on
the first day of high school, with all your current knowledge
and experiences. What do you do dierently?
2015-03-26 17:58:57
/u/Alexcbrown
/u/karliekisbae
I involve myself in every group and extra-curricular I can. I work out and try to become
as fit as possible. I choose dierent classes.
Most importantly, I study as hard as I can.
I wish I realized how little the opinions of others in high school really meant to me.
/u/DeeMI5I0
This is what I like about Reddit. When I was going into high school I saw a lot of these
threads and figured I might as well try out the advice. Now, well, now high school is
pretty awesome. So thanks - even if it was too late for you, you helped at least one kid
out.
Edit: You guys are some top-notch people
/u/elongated smiley
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#619 You have to say one sentence to prove you are IN-
SANE. Any sane people will be killed. What do you say?
2015-03-25 15:42:32
/u/nobunaga 1568
/u/captainmagictrousers
I broke open my Magic 8-Ball and drank the weird liquid inside, and now I know every-
thing.
435
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MaMaJillianLeanna
Uhhh. The same as now except there is no school and I own this house and youre dead.
My 7 year old daughter
/u/MaMaJillianLeanna
Funny story about my daughter. . . When she was five she had this plastic, toy hunting
knife. I was taking a nap and my old roomie had been watching her. Roomie hadnt
seen her for a good ten minutes and went looking for her. Roomie found her in my room,
standing next to my bed, holding the knife over me and bringing it down in a repetitive
436
motion whispering, Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab Stab. . .
/u/MaMaJillianLeanna
Uhhh. The same as now except there is no school and I own this house and youre dead.
My 7 year old daughter
437
/u/Made you read penis
/u/swagzfordayz
Found out my little brother was molested frequently by a long time family friend. It sure
as hell changes the way you look at and trust people.
/u/roguecopter
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
. . . I remember screaming.
If 9/11 was an inside job, then why did the planes come from outside the building?
439
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Mall700
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#612 Asian/African redditors, what is the weirdest part
of Western culture?
2015-03-15 19:33:51
/u/chickenoflight
/u/7uc143r
Opening gifts in front of other people. Just feels awkward and uncomfortable for me.
Edit: Yes Im Asian but born and raised in North America. Its not so much just the
discomfort of having to potentially pretend to love a gift, theres also the awkwardness of
having your gift compared to others.
I was at a baby shower a few years ago. One guest was a struggling university student
with no income and gave a very nice homemade pair of booties. Another guest gave a
big gift bag full of designer baby clothing. Im sure the mother-to-be appreciated both,
but the less auent guest looked embarrassed and uncomfortable. I would never want
my guest to feel that way.
/u/Justtryme90
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#611 Terry Pratchett Has Died [MegaThread]
2015-03-12 18:01:37
/u/boib
/u/syanda
/u/MysteriousShoe
Death was my favourite character in the disc world, Its not hard to imagine him and Sir
Pratchett sitting in his cottage discussing life.
442
/u/Lampmonster1
443
/u/funsizedsamurai
I was told once that I looked about birthing age and asked when I was going to start
having children. I just got up, said thank you for your time and walked out.
EDIT: It wasnt so much oensive as it is illegal in my province to ask about family, sexual
orientation, religion, etc. for purposes of discrimination and it made me not suddenly want
to work with someone who would ask that in a professional setting. I would have walked
out if he asked if I was married or what church I went to. If you break a well know law
in the interview, what type of employer would you be?
/u/GogglesPisano
Years ago, my wife was at a start-of-year back to school night at the school where she
taught sixth grade, and at the time she was about five months pregnant.
In reference to my wife, one of the mothers angrily told the principal, She shouldnt be
allowed to work here if shes pregnant - shes just going to go on maternity leave anyway.
To his credit, the principal replied, Are you suggesting that our teachers should not be
allowed to have children?, and the idiot backed down.
/u/The Pauly
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/GoldenScarab569
/u/Dante 2
Dont be silly.
445
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Is so un-fucking-fair.
/u/koproller
446
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
When the stars fade to dawn; when the dawn turns to day;
When the summer-wind carries the rainclouds away;
When the tide travels in, and the sunlight has set
Holy hell this this exploded thanks for everyone who took the time to comment
/u/giveitago
Wed come to realize how truly nasty some women really are.
/u/strongbowpoop
Second this. Female toilets are the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen.
In the blokes toilet, typically youll see a bit of piss in the floor, maybe a coke wrap in
the urinal, some chewing gum. The ladies toilet? Jam rags all over the place, makeup,
toilet paper EVERYWHERE and poo. So much poo.
One time we had a blocked toilet and had to get maintenance in to fix it. He had to
remove the toilet from the main waste to get to the blockage. Mother fucker found a
fetus.
Edit: holy fucking shit?! Gold and my karma tripled for this? You lot are sick
To answer some questions that keep coming up. . . a jam rag is a sanitary towel/tampon
and a coke wrap is a small paper envelope for cocaine
447
/u/cocoa thundabean
#606 What did you do wrong the first time you had sex?
2015-03-01 18:12:06
/u/Noah 33
This question has probably bee n asked before but people come and go.
Give me your worst!
/u/NYComrade
Her: Is it in?
Me: Im done.
448
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jubileo5
Im a type-1 diabetic.
Im fucked.
/u/liarandathief
Yeah. Anyone whos dependent on any kind of medication for survival is fucked.
449
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/VargasIsMissing
450
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/irish mutt
While flying your pregnant wife to the hospital in your helicopter filled with nerve gas
canisters you meant to bring to the dump.
451
/u/jamzedodger
/u/irish mutt
While flying your pregnant wife to the hospital in your helicopter filled with nerve gas
canisters you meant to bring to the dump.
452
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MinecraftHardon
Edit: the bidet I have is an Astor CB-1000. You can find them on Amazon, but I can
link it on here.
Edit edit: Im surprised nobodys mentioned baby wipes yet. /s
Ive been living dat bidet life for about 6 months and its the best. Someone on Reddit
equated it to something along the lines of, if you got shit on your face would you just
wipe it o with a paper towel and be done? Why treat your butt like that?
I bought a $30 unit from Amazon and it took like 20 minutes to install. You know those
peanut butter shits that takes a quarter of a roll to take care of? 10 seconds of spray will
clean that and just wipe dry.
I love having confidence that my butt hole is always presentable and clean, and you can
too!
A few issues Ive had are,
1. If I absent mindedly wipe before I spray, game over. It works best when all your
poo is collected on the hole, smear it and youll need to shower to get it o.
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doesnt hurt in the sense of pressure, it feels like you suddenly have the worst trots
of your life until the water is out.
3. My fellow dude friends wont use one. Idk if my buddy thinks hell spray himself
and realize he likes it and start hosting a show on HGTV or what, but he would
rather have a dirty hole than attempt to be comfortable with his sexuality.
/u/RoboNinjaPirate
>I love having confidence that my butt hole is always presentable and clean,
and you can too!
#600 If objects yelled its name when you used it, which
object would be the most annoying?
2015-02-17 20:00:33
/u/Techdude000
/u/CaususLuciferi
Imagine a girl walks by and you can faintly hear TAMPON TAMPON TAMPON
getting louder as she nears and then gently fading away as she leaves.
Edit: Oh shit, my first ever gold! Thank you kind stranger!
454
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/zero3617
455
-Guy with gun im room while on the call, going through MAJOR upheaval in life, des-
perate to not hurt, and hung up after he vented for 10 minutes. (This one really fucked
with me.)
-Grandpa calls, says daughter died of overdose. Says he and grandma have kids, havent
told them what happened yet, because he doesnt know how. (I went home and bawled
for the rest of the day.)
-Caller who became hysterical while calling in, on a payphone. Police respond, hangs up.
(The poor volunteer who got this one really needed some comort after.)
-Not a call, but had someone try and beat down the door to our call center while I was
the only one on shift at the time, and on a call.
Never met anyone I talked to, as far as I know. We try to keep anonymity for the respect
of the caller and for our safety.
I love talking about this stu, so Id gladly answer any questions there may be. (Within
confidentiality.)
Edit: Quite a few questions, already. Ill answer everything as best and quickly as I can,
and apologize for those I dont respond to.
I also accept the occasional PM in times of need.
Edit 2: Im enjoying answering what I can. I feel like this is a fantastic dialogue were all
having, and it needs to happen more.
Edit 3: So its been brought to my attention that some of what I have said may add to
the fear or apprehension of calling one of these lines. I would say that everything Ive said
Ive comes from a place a love, and i say all this because there are really loving people
who want to be there for you in some way.
Calling into one of these centers is a true act of bravery, and it shows much strength.
For all of those who have called places like this, you are all so powerful and brave.
For those that havent called, or are too scared, I would say that there isnt any obligation
on your part. Well all be here for you.
Edit 4: Jesus-God, this blew up. Im editing a bit to make things more anonymous, since
its been pointed out how much attention this is getting.
Also, some kind person popped my gold cherry, so thank you! I would say, if you want
to gild, I would rather you direct your money to a organization in your local area.
Ill keep trying to reply, but this is getting nuts. (In a good way.)
/u/Glasshunter
First o, thank you for doing this. It really does make a dierence. But could you tell
me more about the call with the gun? It sounds terrifying.
/u/zero3617
That guy had a lot of change going on in his life, the kind that would make someone
truly question whether or not life was worth living. In my heart, I wouldnt have blamed
him for killing himself. I think thus was his honest, last ditch eort to hear something he
needed to or to find help. I could tell he needed to let his emotions out, and that he just
hurt worse as he did, which is why I think he hung up so abruptly.
In these situations, we try and play detective, a little. We try and get clues to the general
area where they are in case EMS has to be called. In this case, however, I didnt get
456
anything that couldve been used.
/u/atmoney30
I was 16, and at my friends lake house. He had two incredibly hot sisters, tall, tan, and
blonde. Even better, they brought friends. My friend and I had a room upstairs while
all the girls were downstairs. In the middle of the night I wanted some water, so I went
downstairs. Their door was cracked open as I passed so I looked inside, being the nosy
teenager I was. I saw all four girls naked, scissoring eachother and I made this all up Im
so lonely fuck valentines day
/u/Stolasss
Goddammit
457
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
. . . fucking Valentines.
/u/ Shawzuu
When a cute nurse accidently drops something, picks it up. . . and bam! Thong.
/u/reybrujo47
/u/ Shawzuu
Well thats why you accidentally drop something in front of a cute nurse for her to be
nice and pick up. You play with the better odds that way
/u/Rangerguy93
458
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
So excited to wake up and see all of these great responses! Also my Reddit gold virginity
has finally been taken, thank you!
/u/ManWithAPIan
459
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#595 What makes you feel both happy and sad at the
same time?
2015-02-11 17:19:06
/u/hdak2323
/u/mattythedog
When my girlfriend says you have the biggest dick out of all your friends
460
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/SpeedyVT
461
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/paradiso211
I streaked a football game in H.S. with about 1500 people there. My friends and i all
did it at various games throughout our senior year. It culminated with my friend getting
caught and threatened with felony indecent exposure, having to register as sex oender
(kids at the game or something) if he didnt rat on all of us. Long story short, he didnt
rat. no charges filed. made the school and local paper.
Edit: thanks for the karma.. And yes he is a good man, stayed true to his friends in the
face of adversity. And were still good friends almost 15 years later.
edit#2: I can not remember why they decided to not charge him. he was stripped (pun
intended) of his prom and graduation priviledges, yet that pales in comparison to being
a sex oender. also corrected some typos.
Final edit: This is awesome! who would have thought it would blow up like this. Ive
never had a top comment, so much pressure. I feel like i owe you guys a for all these
internet points. This was a youthful prank with no criminal intent. I am thankful it was
at a time when this sort of thing was laughed o. the world has changed in the 13 years
since. In responds to some of the question: 1. I went to a school in cailfornia near the
beach. 2. Yes we thanked our friend for not giving us up, though we gave him crap for
462
not being fast enough to get away. 3. Not a lawyer but i think the sex oender/ felony
come from the amount of people crowd and also that there were kids present. 4. sorry to
those whos friends werent so lucky, there are plenty of those who deserve sex oender
status but not for somethin like this. 5. thanks again!
/u/Kingful
What a bro
/u/MisterSirRiley
#592 What was the most hurtful thing that anyone has
ever said to you?
2015-02-02 18:53:56
/u/I Will Try More
/u/jasche
after my dad passed away, I was going through his belongings. one of his journal entries
was simply I am disappointed in my son. It was written 8 years before he passed away.
no context.
nothing has been more hurtful since or before.
463
obligatory edit, I posted this and went to sleep; explosion. This is my only post that has
been upvoted more than 10 times and I have been here 6 years. Thanks for the gold, look
at this shiny piece of metal father, are you still disappointed ? also I was named in the
diary.
/u/Woman-Am-I
Most stu people write in a journal is just rubbish that they are feeling at that time.
Maybe you did something to piss him o that day and he was over it the very next.
Im sure it did hurt to read that but try not to hold onto it. Everyone has those days
where EVERYONE is a disappointment to them. Im sure there were days that he was
a disappointment to you as well but you got over it and let it go. Probably the same for
him.
/u/Dynamaxion
Indeed. One of the most interesting parts of reading old journal entries is realizing how
temporary your emotions are, even though you believe in them ever so strongly at the
time.
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/u/DecimusRex
I met a beautiful girl at the bar, she started talking about how much she loves babys,
about how adorable I must have been as a baby. I brushed it o as weird but thats all.
Later that night we were walking to her house and alll the while she was still ranting
about me being adorable when I was younger. This was my second red flag and I ignored
it. As we got to her house I stumbled into her living room on my way to the washroom
and tripped over a giant baby rattle. Spread throughout the living room were other giant
items, milk bottle, pacifier, etc. I had this one final chance and I brushed it o as a wierd
collection. Only as I left the washroom and was confronted by the beautiful girl wearing
a full body leather version of a 1950s house wife outfit and saying does the big boy need
a spanking did I realize the mistake I had just made.
/u/BlackCaaaaat
/u/DecimusRex
/u/whatamiafraidof
You did not disappoint us. Like im literally happy for you right now. Thank you for
that.
465
/u/HitlerLovesJew
Alone.
/u/JustAGirl96
Taking a shit.
EDIT: TIL that there are some who find shitting sexy
/u/workneeddoing
/u/cutti
/u/kikat314
Licking toilet paper after looking at toilet paper after wiping after taking a shit.
466
/u/TheUltimateShitlord
How do you make that extra bit of money to help with the bills?
Be it online, helping friends/family or selling things.
Edit: Wow thank you ever so much for the gold and also for all the replies, its going to
take me a while to read through them all!
/u/CarbineFox
You know those Keep Calm and posters that Reddit hates? Yeah I make/design
and sell those. My last 2 vacations were funded by these. Etsy is fantastic.
/u/HavoKDarK
467
/u/CarbineFox
/u/pickneters
Keep
Calm
Punch
CarbineFox
/u/CarbineFox
/u/PM ME UR KNEE
Sleep.
468
/u/straydog1980
I dont know where all the time goes. Im just perpetually tired now.
/u/Spambop
When I was still living with my dad I remarked that I was tired, he laughed and said to
me, son, Ive been tired since I was 25.
Edit: My dad was not 25 when I was born, although you are all hilarious geniuses. Well
done.
/u/BirchBlack
/u/Link-to-the-Pastiche
Reddit. The 5th Redditor will just bitch about people reposting and something about
neck-beards.
469
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MartyInDFW
Santa is REAL.
Nobody tell them please. It would break their hearts and some day theyll figure it out
on their own anyway.
[EDIT] This was gilded. I have no idea what the appropriate response is so Ill just say
thanks and google the appropriate action.
Thank you.
[/EDIT]
470
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/outofpatience
471
#583 What question do you go all day hoping no one will
ask you?
2015-01-17 15:43:34
/u/Brennanhusnutsack
/u/DroidX64
Whats the matter, why the long face? MY RELAXED FACE JUST LOOKS SAD
GODDAMNIT!
472
/u/RamsesThePigeon
/u/ vargas
Ive mentioned this before, but I believe persistence is one of the greatest strengths one
can have. Take Jack Dawson, for instance. He gets on the Titanic and sets o for with
the rest of the pilgrims for Plymouth Rock. But then sees Rose in all her crimson cheeked
glory. He thinks to himself Man, this gal sure is amazing! Almost like a bunch of
beautiful flowers. And speaking of flowers, I sure would like her tulips on my stem.
And so began his pursuit.
It was slow going at first. Jack did look a bit rapey after all. But he kept at it. You
have to remember things didnt move all that quickly back then. The swiftest car in the
world could only do four. Bowel movements took hours on account of Grape-Nuts not
yet having been invented. And no Nike Shox.
But eventually, a bond took form. A friendship, almost, during which they both learned
much. Jack learned how to apply hair gel. Rose learned the dierence between spitting
and swallowing. Jack learned about class disparities and the panty-moistening eects of
steerage. Rose learned about nude selfies.
Throughout it all, though, Jack never gave up. His persistence would eventually pay o.
Rose grew to desire him. It was time to reward his eorts and great timing with a little
taste of first class if you know what I mean (I mean she was going to let him stick his
thing in her perfumed, tick-free vagina). Like any true gentleman, Jack took her in the
back seat of a car that wasnt his and banged her like an old tambourine.
Though Jack had worked so hard to court Rose, he grew quite tired of her after the
one encounter. He now regarded her as rather whiney and annoying. Furthermore, she
was as bland as cauliflower in the sack. Shes about as sexually adventurous as an old
Protestant woman with a sewn up butthole, he thought to himself.
From there, he had no choice but to fake his death by manipulating the captain into
crashing the ship into an iceberg, after which he changed his identity to Gatsby and lived
out his days knee-deep in strange.
This was all because he was persistent.
473
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/takenorinvalid
There was a period when my friends decided to be accepting. Really accepting. Specifi-
cally, they decided to be accepting of a Neo Nazi.
This dude was unbelievable. A friend met him in an orgy, then started dating him. She
was 17. He was 38. He made his living selling coke and heroin. And, oh, right, he firmly
beloved that Hitler had the right idea.
When I complained, I was accused of being closed-minded and unaccepting. Sort of like,
I thought, how Nazis were of the Jews.
Eventually, one of his friends got really high and stole my friends little sisters Christian
Rock album collection. I decided I was done with hanging out with this guy and his
friends. I told my friends I couldnt hang out with a guy with a swastika tattoo anymore
and that if they really wanted to get in with that crowd, they were going to have to do
it without me.
They went with him.
TL/DR: I am less likeable than nazis.
474
/u/PT C
/u/Anastik
I asked my grandpa what it felt like to grow old. Grandpa is a man who will deliberate
on which part of the newspaper to start with each morning, so I knew my question would
take him some time to answer. I said nothing. I let him gather his thoughts.
When I was a boy, Grandpa had once complimented me on this habit. He told me it was
good that I asked a question and gave a person silence. And being that any compliment
from him was so few and far between, this habit soon became a part of my personality
and one that served me well.
Grandpa stared out the window and looked at the empty bird feeder that hung from
an overgrown tree next to the pond he built in the spring of 1993. For twenty years,
Grandpa filled up the feeder each evening. But he stopped doing it last winter when
walking became too dicult for him.
Without ever taking his eyes from the window, he asked me a question: Have you ever
been in a hot shower when the water ran cold? I told him I had.
Thats what aging feels like. In the beginning of your life its like youre standing in a
hot shower. At first the water is too warm, but you eventually grow used to the heat and
begin enjoying it. But you take it for granted when youre young and think its going to
be this way forever. Life goes on like this for some time.
475
Grandpa looked at me with those eyes that had seen so much change in this world. He
smiled and winked at me.
And if youre lucky, a few good looking women will join you in the shower from time to
time.
We laughed. He looked out the window and continued on.
You begin to feel it in your forties and fifties. The water temperature declines just the
slightest bit. Its almost imperceptible, but you know it happened and you know what it
means. You try to pretend like you didnt feel it, but you still turn the faucet up to stay
warm. But the water keeps going lukewarm. One day you realize the faucet cant go any
further, and from here on out the temperature begins to drop. And everyday you feel the
warmth gradually leaving your body.
Grandpa cleared his throat and pulled a stained handkerchief from his flannel shirt pocket.
He blew his nose, balled up the handkerchief, and put it back in his pocket.
Its a rather helpless feeling, truth told. The water is still pleasant, but you know it will
soon become cold and theres nothing you can do about it. This is the point when some
people decide to leave the shower on their own terms. They know its never going to get
warmer, so why prolong the inevitable? I was able to stay in because I contented myself
recalling the showers of my youth. I lived a good life, but still wish I hadnt taken my
youth for granted. But its too late now. No matter how hard I try, I know Ill never get
the hot water back on again.
He paused for a few moments and kept looking out the window with those eyes that had
seen ninety-one years on this Earth. Those eyes that lived through the Great Depression,
those eyes that beheld the Pacific Ocean in World War II, those eyes that saw the birth
of his three children, five grandchildren, and seven great-grandchildren.
He had indeed lived a good life, I thought to myself.
And thats what it feels like to grow old.
EDIT: There seems to be some concern over who wrote this story. I can confirm its me.
The article thats linked as the top reply to my comment has stolen my story and passed
it o as their own. If you click the link, youll see Ive posted a comment on their page
that cites my original Reddit source and asked them to take it down. Additionally, Ive
sent a message to the site administrators.
476
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Fighting Trousers
I once had to tell the son of the deceased that his mothers priceless Boy with Apple
painting was willed to a hotel concierge.
Edit: Spelling
/u/ask me if Im lying
/u/TacoThingy
477
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/RamsesThePigeon
Can I get crabs in my beard if my girlfriend has crabs and I eat her out?
I have a girlfriend and shes really super hot. I also have a luxurious beard. I firmly
believe that men should have long hair and beards, because it is a sign of honor. Chivalry
is only practiced by a select few nowadays, and I am one of the upstanding few who
still puts a woman before himself. Other men are only concerned with sex, but I put a
womans emotions before my own. Im not just a nice guy, Im also a modern-day knight,
and I will gladly hold up my sword in defense of a ladys purity.
Top Answer:
u sound like that guy in my 4th period chem class who thinks hes a wizard
478
how can i learn REAL magic?
i am a witch. PLEASE DO NOT SAY I AM NOT A WITCH. i have casted MANY spells
for my friends and they ALL WORKED so DO NOT SAY I AM NOT A WITCH. i want
to learn how to do real magic like in harry potter where i can shoot katey with fire when
she calls me fat.
Top Answer:
To learn real magic, you either need to attend a school dedicated to the arcane arts or
drink a magic potion that will unlock your abilities. Since most magical campuses are
located on the moon, the potion would probably be a better choice for you. Purchase a
bottle of something called Ipecac from your local drug store, then drink it approximately
five minutes before you next confront Katey. If you truly are a real witch, youll be able
to cast an impressive spell at her, and shell never bother you again.
What significance did the Battle of Trafalgar have for naval trade in Spain?
just curious.
Top Answer:
Do your own homework.
Top Answer:
479
An here I told u how.
4 if shes pregnint with his kid,
She not be not no now.
Rezolvd.
>Can I get crabs in my beard if my girlfriend has crabs and I eat her out?
Top Answer:
Top Answer:
Top Answer:
480
The man you seek but in your mind,
And on the printed page.
>What significance did the Battle of Trafalgar have for naval trade in Spain?
Top Answer:
Say one day you wake up and youre back to where you were when you were 5 years old,
but you still remember everything youve learned since that time. What would you do?
Edit: Just to clarify, were talking time travel here. You wake up with all your knowledge
that you have today in the year that you were 5, and youre 5 years old.
Edit 2: Im at work now but once Im done Im going to read all your replies. Im getting
some really great ones. Thanks everyone for commenting!
Edit 3: Front page of /r/askreddit ! Good job everyone! Im loving all the ideas keep
them coming!
481
/u/badass panda
First, Id color. Im talking magenta tigers and a really, really cheerful sun.
Then Id proceed to enjoy my childhood again, instead of wasting it trying to grow up.
Id treat my siblings better, and help my older sibling to grow up more comfortable in
her own skin; Id treat my parents better, and Id (re)-read all the books.
At around 13-14 Id start trying to do odd jobs and save as much money as possible, then
over the next ten years invest in Google, Apple, and Bitcoin.
And Id do my best to find and meet my friends and significant others, since I dont want
to lose them.
I dont care what anybody says, Im putting a smiley face on my fucking Sun damnit.
/u/tinycatsays
482
/u/bamf123
OP deleted his account rather than listen to all you disgusting freaks.
Edit: Im not OP but I too think youre some filthy-ass motherfuckers.
/u/hailthedragonmaster
/u/RupeScoop
483
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Wow, this blew up! My most popular post yet! Thanks everyone for contributing.
/u/super420
484
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Wow, this blew up! My most popular post yet! Thanks everyone for contributing.
/u/I-amOnly-joking
When you wipe, and wipe, and wipe, and wipe but the toilet paper always get a little
brown spot. Like you have a brown crayon stuck up your ass. That feeling, is the worst
feeling in the world.
/u/RamsesThePigeon
Along similar lines: When almost all of it comes out, but theres still that little bit stuck
up inside you.
You strain, you push, you rock back and forth. If youre a girl, you do that thing where
you finger yourself in an eort to push it out. You consider - even if only for a moment -
what would happen if you stuck the end of the vacuum cleaner over your rectum.
Minutes pass with you growing red in the face from working your abdominal muscles.
You think you can feel the beginnings of progress. . . but then the pressure releases itself
in the form of gas, somehow escaping around the damned blockage that youre trying to
pass.
Eventually, you give up. You clean up and leave. You can still feel it in there.
485
Its the worst.
/u/SaintVanilla
/u/Business-Socks
486
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Ive really enjoyed the comments from /u/poem for your sprog this year. Some of them
have been funny, some of them have been silly, and some of them have been properly
moving too, which you dont always expect to see here.
One or two of his/her poems on depression have really spoken to me. Theyre the only
comments I can think of that have actually stuck with me after reading them.
487
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Sonnet MMXV
Edit: apparently spaghetti, teeth and guns are very common subjects.
Ive been reading every comment. Theres lots of funny, interesting, and sad dreams in
here. Keep them coming, everyone!
/u/hoikarnage
I already have these pjs. This morning I woken up with semen all over them.
488
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/hoikarnage
When I was at camp as a teenager I got paired on a canoeing trip with a really attractive
girl who was wearing a bikini that was too big for her.
Basically her bikini bottom was so loose that when she sat in the canoe across from me it
just revealed everything. It was a two hour trip and I was staring at vag the entire time.
489
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Everybody stared.
/u/ponyinacup
Back when I was younger and lived at home with my parents, I had made a pact with
her. Me and her had always got along great so it wasnt all that weird. My parents
were highly conservative and not ok at all with me wearing anything but traditional
underwear, but me being the rebellious teen wanted lacy thongs and bras. Id throw them
in the washer an hour before she came in, shed hang them, fold them when they were
dry and put them in my room rather than on the wooden plank that we used for the rest
of the clothing. The time the cleaner was in the house, my mum would go out of her way
not to be in the laundry room not to disturb her so she wouldnt see.
My parents never figured out about them. Id make sure there was always an extra e5
or e10 extra pay from me for how she helped me not get me grouded for life. So I guess
my parents didnt know what she did.
TL;DR: cleaning lady helped me get laid in non-granny panties.
490
/u/SuckMyDax
/u/Old Gaer
Send Seth Rogan and James Franco over to formally apologize for the Interview then
have them actually assassinate him.
/u/Baczeck
But film it and release it as promised, and then airdrop copies of the movie into North
Korea cause freedom backs down from NOBODY
491
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/whistledick
/u/PainMatrix
Either you own a farm or your wife must hate your fucking guts
/u/whistledick
Yes.
492
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
493
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
494
#563 Reddit, how has your life changed due to what you
thought would be a minor event?
2014-12-08 18:58:36
/u/chocore
/u/louiseG
For a lark, while bored, I went over and sat on the arm of a chair where the shyest boy
ever was studying, in 1963. I wanted to see him blush, in a cruel sort of way. Now have
eight grandchildren and he still blushes.
/u/Shitty Watercolour
painted badly:
http://i.imgur.com/mLS9nPf.jpg
:)
#562 Males of Reddit: When was the last time you cried
and why?
2014-12-08 01:04:07
/u/ConeyIslandQueen17
Thanks for sharing! I never knew how much guys internalized their emotions instead of
actually crying. I really feel your pain.
495
/u/oddagain
This morning. Then previously the night before. Ive been crying atleast once a day every
day since my Fiancee left me. Everyone tells me it gets easier. I picked up new hobbies.
Got new friends. Got a raise at work. Been going to the gym. I still cry every day and
miss her and want only her. It hurts just as much now.
Its been about five months.
EDIT: I am so overcome by all the kindness and thoughtful responses. Stay strong
brothers and sisters, Im sending you all the positive vibes.
#561 Whats the most evil thing you have ever done?
[NSFW]
2014-12-07 16:56:00
/u/Blededge
/u/bbuullll33rr
When I was younger (I think I was about 6 or 7) I kicked a fat girl in her stomach. I feel so
fucking bad about it today. She came from a poor family, she had been understimulated
as a child and was therefore not the smartest child and I remember her as being quite
nasty (she couldnt help it since she came from a poor household. But I remember when
she drank from her bottle of water the water would get dirty because. . . I dont know
how it happens but its nasty - food floating around in a water bottle. Ugh).
She got bullied very often but I tried not to since Im taught well but one day right before
P.E. everybody were just bullying her and I think I got carried away and some of my
496
friends and I kicked her in her fucking stomach. Thats the most fucking humiliating, evil
thing Ive ever seen and I did it. I cant stop thinking about what a little shit I must
have been.
#560 In what ways have you won and lost the genetic
lottery?
2014-12-06 01:33:44
/u/j overland f
/u/notdomoduro
497
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/OneCommentDec5th
Hopefully the lower picture is after. Otherwise, Id say surgery was probably a poor
choice.
Yes!! Ive been following you for two years now! I love you.
/u/td27
498
/u/Okydog
I love the almost meaningless comments as well. I would get one manifesto type post
once a year, but your post this year is sarcastic joke on a chin surgery post, bravo.
/u/td27
/u/kingphysics
/u/Poem for your sprog would like to have a word poem with you.
:D
/u/Sayoshinn
When I was a counselor, I woke up in the middle of the night to take a leak. As I walked
from the front to the back of the cabin, I noticed one of the top bunks where a camper
499
(lets call him Timmy) should have been. Neither Timmy or his sleeping bag were on
the bed. I peek out back, thinking maybe he went to take a pee and didnt tell me.
Nope. Timmys not out back. Maybe he went across the field to the bathrooms to take
a dump? Go look out front. Peer across, no light on in bathroom building. But now I
see a shadowy, hunched figure in the middle of the field. I approach, mag-lite, in hand.
As I approach, the smell worsens and the faint sound of tears begins to become audible.
I find little Timmy, alone in the athletic field, crouched in his sleeping bag full of shit.
He had awoke that night and was too much of a pussy to walk to the bathroom in the
cold, so he tried to hop in his warm sleeping bag. He couldnt make it fast enough and
his bodys need to shit soon overcame his weak mind. He stopped, dropped his pants
(inside the sleeping bag) and shit inside his place of sleep. Once the relief of his massive
shit passed, he realized what he had done, froze, and remained there in his humiliated
tears for over an hour. He also peed.
edit: gold cuz my camper shit himself in a sleeping bag?! thank you!
/u/jrice441100
Dude - buckle up because being over 30 is awesome. I was dreading it in the weeks
running up to my 30th birthday. I thought it was going to be all backpain and recliners
500
from then on out. I was wrong. My 30th birthday was my favorite ever. Heres why:
1. I came to the realization that Im never going to be cool in the way MTV told me
I should be (or whatever the equivalent is for kids now. Shut up. Stop laughing) so
I could stop trying so damn hard to look the way that TV wanted me to look and
acting the way TV wanted me to act. I really got comfortable being myself. If you
can do this before youre 30, do it. So Point #1 - You get comfortable in your own
skin.
2. I got into a real relationship. Granted, this happened before I turned 30. My wife
(then girlfriend) and I got together when I was 25. Before that my relationships
with women were pretty superficial. With my wife (then girlfriend) the relationship
didnt start all that dierent, but I learned how to let this woman become my friend,
then my best friend, and now super-best-friend-lifelong-partner. Its been almost 8
years now, and theres nobody I trust or confide in or want to be around more. I
still have plenty of friends, and we still hang out, but its not nearly as important
to me as it was when I was in my 20s. So Point #2 - You learn how to have real,
meaningful relationships.
3. I dont live hand-to-mouth any more. Being married, and both of us with good-
paying middle-class jobs and no kids, we do pretty good. We have a house on 10
acres (and a mortgage) and a couple vehicles (with a small loan) and a retirement
plan that grows fatter with each paycheck. Were both in grad school (one night
a week), but were able to make ends meet with a little left over at the end of the
month. Were certainly not living high on the hog right now, but once school ends
were going to be doing pretty good. I dont worry where my next meal is going to
come from. I dont worry about making rent. I dont worry about what Ill do if
my car breaks down. So Point #3 - You get security.
4. Provided you dont dress like an idiot, people will listen to what you have to say.
Im still a little surprised that I can walk into a business meeting and say words
with my deep man-voice and people will stop and listen to what input I have. This
comes after years of being the kid working on construction jobs where I was the
guy who had to sweep and cut all the boards to the right size and stu. You hit
30-ish, and people start taking you seriously (unless youre dressed like an idiot.
Im looking at you Aiction-shirt-at-work guy.). So Point #4 - You get respect.
Now, to any of you under-30-year-olds reading this, you may think to yourself That
sounds damn boring. And you may be right. Because right now your life is hanging out
with friends and probably having some awkward drunken sex with available partners and
going to concerts and having fun. Its a trade. And its a trade I would have made at
age 19 if I knew how good it feels. Because another thing you learn once youre over 30
is the dierence between fleeting fun and long-term satisfaction. You may disagree with
me now ( 22-year-old me would have, from the outside looking in), but youll get there.
And youll find out that its exactly as great (or better) than I just described. Good luck
with the rest of your 20s!
501
/u/New-Caprica
Best comment in the thread the dierence between fleeting fun and long term satisfac-
tion.
With the constant, Tell us why America is stupid circle jerks that always appear on
this sub, I thought it would be interesting to turn the tables.
EDIT: My God, when they say RIP your inbox they really do mean RIP your inbox.
And gold?!?! Thank you so much random redditor, I really love it!
502
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Greyclocks
Honestly, theyre a tourist attraction now. People from all over the world come and spend
money to see Buckingham Palace and the crown jewels.
They have little power and dont do a lot anymore, if anything really.
/u/WastingOurYouth
They also grant us occasional days o work and school every time they bring a new honey
home, or breed with one, or marry one.
/u/MGLLN
The Prince got his end away, god save the queen!
503
/u/jubileo5
I have to be.
/u/pingy34
504
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/StalinWasAJerk
Fuckin Stonehenge.
I guess its alright, as far as Henges go. But its smaller than you think, you cant get
close to it and its fuckin hours from London (which wouldnt matter if it was worth it).
/u/mrpithecanthropus
Fuck those neolithic tribes for not making a bigger, more sparkly henge and doing it closer
to the area that would, hundreds of years later, be formed of a number of villages and
called London.
505
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Supertumor
Youre pretty for a Black girl. (Or smart, speak well, dress well. . . )
/u/(deleted user)
506
/u/(deleted user)
On another related note: I had no idea girls were into that!. Yeah, vaginas dont
influence what youre interested in buddy, thanks for telling me you never associate with
women unless youre trying to pick up.
edit: Reddit is full of fucking morons, holy shit.
/u/(deleted user)
You really think peoples genders dont influence their tastes at all ?
EDIT: thanks everyone, but I already know the dierence between sex and gender. I
really only meant to ask after the notion that our tastes have nothing to do with our
gender OR sex, since they were both referred to in the last two comments. So, please
excuse me.
Honestly? As far as societal conditioning goes, not so much anymore. At least not for
girls. Its ok for girls to be into anything. And I know way more girls into nerdy shit and
guy stu than I know girls into fashion and girly stu. Guys still catch a little flak
for being into girl stu though.
Edit: Those of you taking this statement as an absolute, please dont. Take it with the
context in which it was given. Yes there are still areas with gender disparities. But for
the sake if this particular conversation, the above is true enough that you shouldnt be
surprised that someone out of a whole gender is into the same shit as you.
/u/Wizardspike
> Guys still catch a little flak for being into girl stu though.
hah. . . little. . .
507
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Dierent Standards
508
/u/hauntedfox
Mom calls
Hey, I really liked that reddit post you made the other day
/u/BeaverCleaver69
/u/weeniall
/u/LordLior
A friend was about to deliver a lecture and forgot the powerpoint at home (well, dropbox
didnt sync). so he tried to guide his newborns nanny to either find the file, or by my
suggestion, use TeamViewer. He wasnt able to get her to do that, so Ive suggested Ill
give it a shot.
509
Hey , well, what do you see on the screen?
Nothing
Can you see the mouse cursor? when you move the mouse do you see something that
moves on the screen?
I dont know
Look at the table, can you see a small device with buttons, sort of a round rectangle?
Yes
Can you move it
Yes
Now, do you see something on the screen that moves accordingly?
I dont know
at that point I wasnt sure what is exactly wrong.
Well, can you see a red light coming out of it?
Yes
And when you move it, it doesnt do anything?
No
Well. . . is the red light on the top or at the bottom?
top
Can you please flip it, so the red light is at the bottom?
Yes
Now, do you see something that moves along on the screen?
Yes
/u/FoieyMcfoie
I dont see anything has to be the most frustrating thing to hear when you are walking
someone through something over the phone.
You mean to tell me you see literally nothing, there is nothing in the glowing screen in
front of you at all?! Agggggg shove my fingers through the phone into their eyes
/u/whelks chance
I cant help but imagine the desk in front of them is just a yawning abyss of nothingness,
where all the light in the room appears to be sucked towards.
I see nothing should only be used in this sense.
/u/FoieyMcfoie
I see nothing, only the. . . wait the Dark Lord appears to be approaching oh god his
horrible face!
UNPLUG AND PLUG IT BACK IN DO IT NOW!
Is the power cord the one that goes into my modem?
You know what, fuck it, the Dark Lord can have you
510
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#549 What single sentence, the second you hear it, makes
you absolutely livid?
2014-11-21 00:15:59
/u/OrderOfMagnitude
/u/OrderOfMagnitude
511
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/KittyKat1986
/u/N8theGr8
/u/Shitty Watercolour
watercoloured
http://i.imgur.com/sOvADMz.jpg
512
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Deusis
/u/N8theGr8
/u/catch22milo
513
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/way fairer
My grandpa used to always say: Do a job, big or small, do it right or not at all.
It has kept me from doing a lot of things half-assed. I also like to say it to my girlfriend
when she forgets to cup the balls.
514
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/yours duly
Made a secret deal with a close friend: We both will subtly drop rumors about each other,
that we both have hot girlfriends outside school.
The next day after football, I initiated, Have you seen Pats girlfriend? Shes a real
cutie.
Another guy: He was saying the same about you this morning. What you guys made
some loser pact about a pretend gf?
Me: I gotta go, see you tomorrow.
/u/Thrackerz0d
I have a creeping feeling that that would have gone a lot smoother if you two didnt use
the same guy to start the rumor
/u/yours duly
515
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
the other thread had so much negativity, who has fans we all wish we had?
/u/(deleted user)
Train bus - every train bu I have met is a portly fellow who is so incredibly happy to
see you. Theyre also good at fixing things and they like a few beers after theyve fixed
things.
/u/gnujack
516
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Self insert: writing this at 3:14 in the morning, thank you everyone for commenting :)
my addictions are incremental games, hearthstone and homestuck.
/u/jiminatrix
Escapism.
Drink, drugs, video games, sleep etc. Anything to remove me from reality which, in my
experience, is a never ending source of disappointment.
517
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I live in Australia and I have never heard of this happening to anyone. Recently the
government stated that they have no time for petty things like downloading when theres
more important things to take care of but said its still morally wrong.
/u/fewdea
518
the situation to my coworker, as both my roommate and I are panicking. He simply said
change your routers MAC address. So I did.
A month goes by. And then maybe a couple weeks. I see the school paper one day with
an update on the bust. Only 18 of the 25 students were identified. And that was the time
I hacked the planet.
/u/kingeryck
/u/Jalapeno Business
Computing in general. Coding is analogous to writing a spell. You can use it to bring
robots to life or divine an answer to a question.
Most importantly, 99% of people have no idea how any of it works. It might as well be
magic.
519
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/DeathLeopard
520
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#539 Reddit what is a lie you have told for so long that
you arent sure whether or not it is actually true?
2014-11-09 17:41:33
/u/lordboyderson
Edit: holy fuck this picked up overnight looking forward to reading all these when I get
back from my exam thanks guys!
Edit 2: just quickly scrolled over to see a few responses and a lot of them are quite serious
and to do with not being happy, hope all that did reply with that find what youre looking
for and get better, no one deserves the kinda sadness that you seem to be dealing with
/u/Not-Sure-
Im not sure if Im actually in love with my girlfriend or whether Im just used to having
her around
Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold!!! Looks like my throwaway just became my main
account
/u/definitely-not-julie
521
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Holy shit I had no idea this would become so big overnight! Thanks for all the
responses everyone, they MORE than answered my question and it was a great learning
experience. I wish you all the best in life and keep those stories coming!
/u/cliche phrase
/u/Eddie Hitler
I indirectly know someone who was in a UK prison for white collar crimes (fraud IIRC).
He never felt scared or threatened. . . just bored. There was very little violence or intim-
idation going on even though it was a Category C prison.
/u/cliche phrase
Yeah, I was in a medium security prison, and Im not saying its a safe place by any
stretch, but generally the violence is pretty much self-contained, i.e. you dont really have
to worry about gangs unless youre in another gang and its highly unlikely youre going
to get jumped, beat up or robbed unless you owe drug debts.
522
/u/neonchicken
/u/cliche phrase
Books, radio, TV, and movies on weekends. The radio stations get stale playing the same
shit over and over day in and day out, I LOVE to read anyway, so that was my longest
form of entertainment, but even that got burned out eventually. The movies often sucked
or you couldnt really them well enough to be enjoyable, and TV, well, prisoners love
them some daytime soaps.
/u/adudeguyman
523
#537 Redditors, what is your worst quality? Everyone
else, how can we spin that as a good thing?
2014-11-07 00:18:18
/u/polikujm1
/u/Caoranach
/u/TrueNateDogg
524
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
If were going with recently, Eddie Lampert, the CEO of Sears is one of the best contenders
for the Corporate Darwin Award. Hes an Ayn Rand-loving, free-market ideologist who
attempted to take his non-reality-based style of life out of the lobbyist/Congress rigged
world of hedge funds and into retail. He laid o, cut, and trimmed back everything he
could and forced departments, managers, and employees to fight against each other for
resources and pay under the delusion that the company would benefit from a survival of
the fittest atmosphere. Since that time, Sears has lost half its value in five years and has
closed more than half of its stores, not to mention just about destroyed one of the oldest
525
and most trusted brands in the history of the United States.
/u/AMac2002
This is so far the best answer, because most of the other top ones are companies NOT
making decisions, or not having the prescient ability to see some future success. But this
is someone making a decision, and it backfiring badly.
/u/lnorba
people eating with open mouth and that disgusting chewing sound
/u/StarbossTechnology
The sound of an entire crowded theater smacking on popcorn and slurping up soft drinks
in between opening previews is my version of hell.
526
/u/WhichDimension
For me, the more people doing it the more it becomes a white noise, and it doesnt bother
me as much. Put me in a quiet room with someone eating a bag of doritos and Im likely
to go insane.
/u/Iamnotagoodnamer
527
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
528
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Theyre coming.
/u/HedgeSlurp
529
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/benjtrogdon
/u/jubileo5
Saying that you cant be sad because someone might have it worse is like saying that you
cant be happy because somebody might have it better.
The issue is this, depression is the inability to imagine a future worth imagining because
depression feels like. . . nothing. You know that joy you get when seeing something
beautiful? I dont. Know the happiness of being with your friends? Its at most a very
transitory thing. Theres no lasting feeling of satisfaction for anything in my life. So when
they say Most people have it way worse than you, so dont be depressed, **GUESS
WHAT, IT DOESNT WORK**
530
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/LittleKiddLover
Drink every time I get laid. There, I just saved you from alcoholism.
531
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
In light of Halloween in a few days. What is something that just thinking about it puts
a pit in your stomach.
/u/laurens93
Swimming in the middle of an ocean. Miles of water below you, and you have no idea
whats hiding there..
532
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/julianjalapeno
Waking up early to watch cartoons. If I have to get up early, it better involve a paycheck.
/u/AkaParazIT
No one does that anymore. Kids have access to years and years of back to back cartoons
at the tip of their fingers. They watch it whenever they want.
I remember saturday mornings as the best time ever. So many awesome shows you could
watch in your pajamas and sometimes mom would let you eat breakfast in front of the
tv.
Kids in the western world today dont experience that anymore.
533
/u/BroughnutPuddin
They actually completely stopped airing Saturday morning cartoons on the networks just
a few weeks ago. It was a sad day.
/u/wehopeuchoke
Well theres a lot more channels for kids to watch cartoons now instead of just on local
channels.
/u/BroughnutPuddin
True. Its just crazy I guess to see such a concrete end to a cultural phenomenon. You
know? Saturday morning cartoons arent a thing anymore. Now theyre just cartoons.
534
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
[Link]
/u/serhm
Any time I am over encumbered in a game I have a personal crisis as I try to wade through
the valuables that need to be dropped.
535
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Jbones159
Whenever my sister or I would act up as children, my dad would tell us that there were
alligators in the basement. Now my sister would immediately act right, but I was always
skeptical. One day, at about 4 years old, I told my dad Im not scared, there are no
alligators in the basement. If there are alligators, show me! Now being 4, I didnt have
the best command of the English language and I could swear the evening news kept talking
about President Ronald Raisin. So, since I was being a smartass, my dad picked up the
phone and told me Im going to call President Raisin if you dont behave. Whether it
was youthful ignorance or just stupidity, I dont know, but I truly believed my dad could
just call the president of the United States and tell him I was being bad. Once I turned
5, I had no need to worry anymore, because Raisins second term was up, so I figured my
dad no longer had a connection to the President.
Tl;dr - I didnt believe in alligators, but I believed in President Raisin.
536
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
No alligator, see-ya-later,
Scares this gallant guy!
Theres no one found the world around
As strong or brave as I!
:(
/u/crazycatlady45
Math. My brain doesnt get it. Someone will be like.. Oh, I was only going 7 over in a
35 and i have to count it out.
Long division? Forget it.
Want me to tell you the distance between myself and that door? Nope.
537
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Adults: come here to help someone? Sort by new and choose a problem
that hasnt had any replies yet.
Edit: since suicide, depression, mental illness, and substance abuse are such a common
response. Thanks /u/karateandfriendship9
links to resources
For children in abusive households: http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline-home
Suicide prevention: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide prevention for Europe: http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Europe
What is depression? http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
Huge list of hotlines and resources: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent crisis hotline
subreddit for alcohol abuse: /r/stopdrinking
phone numbers
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 (a (U.S.) national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide
hotline for gay and questioning youth.)
Military One Source: 1-800-342-9647
538
/u/(deleted user)
/u/livefast6221
This is actually really good advice. I always feel that your life is about the people you
love and who love you, and your stories. Constantly playing it safe is going to leave you
filled with regret later in life. You only get the one life, and while that isnt justification
to be a moron, just try to keep it in mind when youre thinking about whether or not to
take that cross-country road trip with your buddy, or splurge and go to the Super Bowl
because your favorite team made it or any of thousands of other experiences. Nobody
sits down and tells their grandkids the story of getting up and going to work every day.
EDIT: I believe I am contractually obligated to edit this post thanking the kind stranger
for my first reddit gold.
/u/tru3gam3r
/u/ncbstp
539
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/n8opot8o
Just reading that almost gives me an anxiety attack. Hats o to the astronauts. Getting
strapped into an almost-missile and shot into space would make me shit a brick.
540
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I am hoping to hear from people who are not actors but do everything else that makes the
industry work. How does watching the o camera and on camera porn stars etc change
your own views?
/u/thebagz
I had a friend whos cousin worked for Brazzers and I remember her telling my friend
and I a story about how smelly things got in the oce (which was just some house in
a regular neighborhood). She said that they were not allowed to open windows because
of noise complaints and she would stop bringing a lunch to work because the scent of the
541
febreeze did not mix well with food.
[Link]
/u/dick-nipples
Ive always thought it was funny how rental truck companies just hand over the keys
for a huge truck to somebody who has probably never driven anything bigger than their
Toyota Corolla. What could possibly go wrong??
Edit: Yes, I know you can get insurance, but that doesnt make it any less dangerous to
the person driving the truck or the other people on the road.
542
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Oh fuck.
#519 My uncle just got this at a yard sale for two bucks
2014-10-10 18:08:18
/u/wondersanchez
[Link]
/u/Lillipout
Lady Suzanna Tweed (1903-1999) lived in Coral Gables, FL and before she died, she set
up a charitable foundation to help students go to college (among other things). Carleton
Tweed (1891-1970) was a mechanical engineer and they were apparently living in Coral
Gables on Valencia Ave while Hemingway was alive, but I wasnt able to find a more
direct connection in the short time I looked. Very interesting find!
(edit: updated Carletons death year)
/u/ax7221
I was wondering what he meant by Tweed with all best wishes always
/u/wishful cynic
543
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TheAgreeableCow
544
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jontantan
545
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Thing //
n: an object that one need not, cannot, or does not wish to give a specific name to.
Party /pti/
n: a social gathering of invited guests, typically involving eating, drinking, and entertain-
ment.
/u/rhubey
A piata full of bees and used hypodermic needles from an Ebola ward.
546
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I feel like if I went to a nudist beach, I would just be wandering around with a boner and
freak out all of the women.
EDIT: I didnt put a serious tag because Im cool with jokes, but if youre gonna make a
joke, try to make it about nudist beaches, not just out-of-context boner gags.
EDIT 2: front page and only two four messages calling me a retard, neat
EDIT 3: eyyy my first gold wouldya look at that
/u/SirBigMan
Ive been to a couple nude beaches, I can promise you one thing, it is very rare to see
attractive people at these beaches. For every one attractive person there is about 10 that
get rid of that sexual desire.
/u/mobius1 j
If you see 1 pair of nice tits, you will see 99 hanging dicks in return !
547
/u/pjpat
[Link]
/u/windouche
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but heres some pepper spray for those eyes.
/u/gregsting
/u/notyouravgredditor
Imma let you finish, but this is the greatest pepper spray of all time
548
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/CDC
Depressed people arent usually mopey, emo kids, sitting around whining. Most of them
get up and go to work every day, laugh at jokes, tell jokes, take care of their children,
etc. . .
They just feel empty inside while theyre doing all that.
/u/(deleted user)
/u/catch22milo
/u/rgbwr
/u/gringo4578
549
/u/Tanman1495
/u/metallidog
I cant believe a phone book still arrive on my doorstep every year. What a waste.
/u/captainmagictrousers
Huh, someone printed out part of the internet and left it on my porch. . . weird.
550
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/ilikechefboyardee
551
not original, just occasionally good at timing.
/u/12-34
. . . if only I could.
/u/Lindsaythe
I was paying for parking in a hip area of my city, and a homeless man walked up and
asked if I had any spare change. I told him I only had enough to park with. He paused
and looked at me and said, I met your father. He was a thief At this point Im thinking
that Im pretty certain my dad is a teacher, he continued, Cause he stole the stars and
put them in your eyes and then he just walked away.
Edit: words
/u/Solias
552
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/daddydeaner
When I was little (5-6) I was taking a pee in my back yard and my hand slipped or
something. Next thing I know the elastic band on my sweat pants has caught my penis
and pointed it straight up directing a stream of hot urine directly into my own face. To
make matters worse, my older brother and his friend were nearby and basically witnessed
the whole thing. I still get harassed about it to this day.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
553
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
554
#507 Reddit, what were you fired for?
2014-09-18 22:18:22
/u/Beconelle
/u/Skooman
/u/DA Hall
/u/Ihmhi
Now I dont know if my life will be complete without hearing something like this.
Attention shoppers. . . *Inception-esque fart*
/u/LittleCucumber
555
#506 Which actions do you associate with a below-average
IQ?
2014-09-15 20:16:53
/u/AnotherDrunkCanadian
Edit
Just want to thank you all for the replies, its been fun reading through them.
/u/thespud86
Posting every detail of their life on social media. If you do this, I assume you are below
average intelligence.
/u/vooe
Telemarketing. So many lonely 80+ year old widows to sell vitamin D to, who try to keep
the call going for ten minutes even though they arent buying everything, and you try to
hang up on them so that you could actually make some money but your heart says no.
556
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#504 How did you react the first time you masturbated?
2014-09-14 00:11:18
/u/I AM COSMO
/u/GrammerNasi
I was late to the masturbation game, and had heard stories from friends at summer camp.
One story that stuck with me was how unfair it was that men only get one orgasm while
women could have multiple.
Fast forward to my first time watching porn and beating it. When I came I was filled
with such shame and remorse because Id just wasted my one orgasm that men get. I
hated myself because I thought now I could never have children.
557
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Starsy
558
/u/thehungrycaterpie
/u/Starsy
/u/Bcasturo
/u/notdomoduro
559
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
What bit of knowledge have you picked up during one of your sexcapades?
Edit: Holy hell did this blow up! Thanks for sharing everyone! WOW!
/u/chickwithglasses
-Always tell your partner what feels good and also what doesnt.
-Be vocal. Noises/sounds make it better.
-Dont be self conscious. Let loose and have fun.
-Make time for sex. Dont makes excuses. Youll thank yourself later.
-Be willing to try new things.
-Give blowjobs often enough. Also, ask for return and dont just expect it will be given.
Foreplay matters!!!!
-Dress sexy or in an outfit here and there.
-Teasing at random times helps build up anticipation and makes the release that much
better.
-Try new places and positions.
-Dont worry about sweat or your hair being a mess.
-Dont let porn be a study guide. RL sex isnt porn.
EDIT: thanks for all the wonderful additions and comments! Im trying to respond
to everyone :) Also, please note that this was an opinion piece based on what I have
learned and what works for me. There are others I didnt put on the list because I didnt
really expect attention on this post. Thank you for the gold, whoever you were! And,
560
last but not least, some clarification: -noises and sounds are great when real. Dont be
embarrassed by them! -I meant that porn should not be a standard to hold sex to. Some
enjoy porn style sex, others do not. Its great to learn new things from what you view
but dont expect sex to always be like porn!! Enjoyment is key! -I enjoy giving blowjobs.
And I am female so I was only answering in terms of myself. If youre male and straight,
use your tongue (not teeth!!!!) and ask for a return. Its okay to ask!!! And if you dont
enjoy oral, thats fine. You can find other forms of pleasing your partner :)
This was not meant to be rules of sex. We are all dierent! Find what you enjoy and
go for it!
Happy humping everyone!
561
#500 What is your biggest achievement in the past 24
hours?
2014-09-08 19:06:44
/u/Jhat316
No matter how small, no matter how seemingly insignificant, it most certainly is some-
thing worth posting in this thread.
EDIT1: Poop. Just Poop. Turns out you guys love your bowel movements and they are
certainly something to be celebrated. Keep the posts coming friends, Ill be back when I
wake up.
/u/Mattyrockzxd
/u/Jhat316
/u/ZeppyFloyd
/u/Sheeppi
/u/Amerphose
562
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/nameless88
/u/KrishaCZ
563
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#498 Do gay men across the world speak their native lan-
guages with the same gay inflection thats stereotypical
for gay men here in the states?
2014-09-07 20:42:49
/u/scrodici
I understand not ALL gay men talk like this, however a significant portion does.
/u/(deleted user)
I really hope this doesnt get down voted. I asked a similar question once and the PC,
super sensitive Reddit fanatics downvoted me to hell.
This is a perfectly acceptable question and at least to me it is obvious that the inquiry is
motivated by curiosity and not malice.
/u/LetsShareAPaopuFruit
I once submitted a similar question. I wanted to know who proposes in same sex rela-
tionship or just how the process in general works for each couple. Someone got upset due
to thinking I was alienating gay people or something along those lines. I feel like because
people are aware that gay people face discrimination, that as a result, they look harder for
potential unjust when the topic arises. If anything, I feel attempting to be more familiar
with people who live dierently in some regards leads to more acceptance.
564
/u/kjpmi
(Edit: After all that and no one gave me gold?! Lol jk Im not a whore.)
I can answer that. USUALLY there are roles in gay relationships. Usually (sexually
speaking) theres a top and a bottom. Or domestically there are masculine and feminine
roles that the couple falls into.
I say usually because theres a lot of gray area there. For example in bed Im the bottom
in my relationship, my boyfriend is the top. Thats pretty cut and dry and we usually
dont deviate from those roles. However, when it comes to yard work Im the man in
the relationship. Im the butchest guy youve ever seen when Im cutting the grass and
landscaping and shit. My boyfriend doesnt even know how to start the lawn mower. My
boyfriend does most of the cooking and laundry etc. (So you can see how the traditional
male/female roles are kinda blurred). Emotionally I feel like my boyfriend is the typical
guy and I identify more with the sensitive, nurturing, stereotype.
Overall, my boyfriend is still the man in the relationship. If we ever got married Id
expect that my boyfriend would be the one to propose.
I want to stress that the stereotypical masculine/feminine roles are the ones that WE feel
comfortable with (and not completely either. Im not flaming by any means. Most people
dont know Im gay. I dont talk with a lisp, I like being one of the guys and I dont like
hanging out with women).
Many gay people shun those traditional stereotypes/roles. Many straight couples do as
well. Some women propose to their boyfriends. Some perfectly straight guys like to get
pounded in the ass by their wife with a big giant strap on.
/u/EstusFiend
+1 strong finish
565
#497 What is the most George Constanza-esque reason
you broke up with someone?
2014-09-05 19:43:17
/u/ArTdEc0
/u/daveysaurusrex
She walked too slow. Wed go out somewhere and walk down the street and Id turn
around and shes like 20 feet behind me.
This would have made for a great episode. The slow walker.
[Link]
566
/u/Ningy WhoaWhoa
/u/ThisMayBeMike
/u/DEATH-BY-CIRCLEJERK
In the video he says that a British hostage they have will be beheaded next.
I hope the special forces catch up to this fuck before then.
/u/BryanW94
/u/sublimeluvinme
/u/BryanW94
/u/rasiisar
/u/lmMrMeeseeksLookAtMe
It really shows how fucked up ISIS is. Most organizations would hold these guys for years,
ransom them o for other prisoners or what have you. Nope. ISIS just wants to kill.
/u/lofi76
And often even when a group is fucked up, you can look and see their perspective
somehow, but this is just brutal psychopathic fuckers taking out the BEST people on
earth - those trying to show whats happening without bias. Oh, it boils my blood. I
wish ISIS the worst.
567
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Damn guys, this just pops into my head and I go for a family walk and it explodes! Love
all the ideas, this is my most popular post to date!
/u/izatobi
That dragons were the result of people long ago finding dinosaur bones.
568
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
In Old Mesopotamia,
An ancient time ago -
They found a shape,
With mouths agape,
Of bones as white as snow.
Rar!
Edit: After 13 hours Ive seen Dick Cheneys name roll through my inbox more than
anyone. Take that for what you will. Edit 2: Dick Cheney literally doesnt have a heart.
/u/McCann300
I knew a guy whos job it was to go around to terminally Ill cancer patients who didnt
pay thier bills and ask them for money from the health insurance companies. He drove a
corvette with the license plate Pay Up
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
569
/u/(deleted user)
Its reasonable to expect patients to pay their bills. I think its more about the attitude
and the lack of respect towards the dicult situation cancer patients are in which is
implied by driving an expensive car with a provocative slogan.
/u/TargetTango
/u/djmarder
570
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/mweigand
It didnt go to plan.
571
#491 Readit, what word do you think should be spelled
dierently?
2014-08-21 16:26:05
/u/ShitPosts
/u/Lympwing2
/u/AlmaTheElder
Hueue
If Queue was Q, as I is I,
To formulate and simplify
This tricky language through and through -
Im sure I wouldnt have a clue.
. . . huehue.
572
#490 If you were actually killed by the last person who
threatened to kill you, what did you get murdered for?
2014-08-20 19:04:05
/u/evencorey
Thanks for all the great comments! Im still trying to read them. May you all rest in
peace
/u/Duck Walker
573
/u/DogeTehBountyHunter
I hope nobodys allergic to nuts. . . because I like to rest mine on the table.
Frankie Boyle
/u/BIGGIE SMUULS
/u/R D
Didnt your parents tell you to seed your torrents when you were a child?
/u/Ultimate Cabooser
My dad taught me not to because thats how the FBI will track your IP and arrest you
for piracy.
yes im serious
574
/u/JustATriangle
My dad had my get a Bollywood movie for him and when I asked him Should I seed it
to help other people get it he simply said, No fuck those criminals
/u/anthonyjohn95
The reason why my family left Europe was that back in the late 19th century, my great
great great grandfather killed a guy and escaped to America to avoid being hung.
/u/Stepoo
575
/u/anthonyjohn95
It took me a second to get that but when I did, I burst out laughing. Here, have an
upvote :)
[Link]
/u/ryddyt
/u/youtbuddcody
My heart sank when I first heard this. Ive never felt so heartbroken over a celebrity
passing.
576
/u/joshkg
This is the first time Im actually speechless. I dont know what to say or even think.
Most celebrity deaths dont bother me, but this one hit hard.
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
http://i.imgur.com/UF5uTIb.jpg
/u/Gutsinmyfridge
My roommate Dave.
Now there is a very good reason for this. He is probably my killer. But also as a matter
of fact, we have an agreement that if one of us dies prematurely before leaving college,
we haunt the other one.
577
It would be admittedly kinda odd at first, but if you think about it, why would you
haunt anyone except your friends? You get to see all of your other friends that hang out
with one of them (if we can only haunt one person), and you can live your life kinda
normally.
Not only that, but also it would be kinda nice to fuck with him. He goes to get his laptop
charger and its out on the window sill. The blinds suddenly open at 7 am letting in all
the light for no fucking reason. He goes to the bathroom to pee and suddenly the lid falls
down and it goes all over the place. Minor things that would just drive him a little insane.
Also, I would help him out a little bit. Move stu for him. Cook for him. Make up the
other more, uh, disruptive things with more generous things. I think it would cancel out
and be relatively normal.
Also, fuck you Dave. I didnt forget that fact that you murdered me. You bastard.
/u/CasanovaWong
/u/Gutsinmyfridge
All-in-all, probably not that bad of a gig. Chill out, hang out, peace out when youre
done.
/u/link dead
Thats all fine and good, until 4 motherfuckers kick your door down. You try to escape
but they shoot you with particle accelerators. You feel pain and horror for the first time
since you passed over. Suddenly see a ray of light, it must finally over. You are drawn
towards the light, you cant get away. You claw at anything to try and escape. The doors
slam shut. Trapped in this tiny prison you think things cant get any worse. Somehow it
does, you are finally free of that tiny cell.
You dont recognize your surroundings, the area is vast lacking any landmarks. You sense
that you are not alone, hundreds, maybe thousands of the most violent and disturbed
ghosts are trapped in here with you. Murderers, rapists, genocidal leaders, all of histories
worst and most tortured souls. You begin to go mad, there are no days no nights no time
in this place.
578
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Forevermore.
/u/Mrthereverend
Because I would start making vague hints towards cannibalism in the first half hour.
Looks like we might be stuck her for a while, might mean some hard choices ahead.
Survival is the most important thing, and we need to make sure we use every resource
we have. Hunger will be our worst enemy, unless we take drastic measures. Im going
to eat your entire body by the time this is all over.
Obligatory my most upvoted comment edit: Thanks Reddit! I was having kind of a
helluva day and its nice to be validated for my hair trigger for cannibalism.
579
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
580
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/DatWillMister
581
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#481 When and How Did You First Discover You Had a
Fetish? [NSFW]
2014-07-31 17:17:32
/u/SaintOdhran
/u/Omnipotent Goose
I think my fetish is getting shut down by women because I usually end up masturbating
later that night.
582
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#480 You can ban one item from ever existing again, and
everybody would know it was you, what would you ban?
2014-07-29 17:33:58
/u/JesseThaBest
Will your pick make the world a better place or are you gonna be on a run after?
/u/zorngov
Weaponry. If you want to fight someone, you must use your fists. Just imagine wars
being fought with fists alone.
/u/DrecksVerwaltung
/u/poop giggle
Just imagine. An entire war fought with guys just pummeling each other with their fists.
583
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#479 What common sounds from 100 years ago are very
rare or just plain dont exist anymore?
2014-07-27 18:55:37
/u/trogdorkiller
/u/limbodog
584
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Holy fuck some of you people are really really stupid. But you will have one hell of a
story to tell your grandkids.
/u/Bahamuts Bike
It was winter and wed just gotten into the house from a snowstorm outside; we were wet
and cold, so we took our clothes o and stood by the fire. This was at my friends house
and so I wanted to warm my clothes up so I wouldnt have to walk around in cold, wet
stu the rest of the evening. To that end I put my pair of socks on the edge of the wood
stove, intending to leave them there for a second.
Well, expectedly, they started to melt. The smell arising from the melting socks trigged
my friend to investigate; not wanting the house to burn down she lifted the socks o of
the stove, not wanting her hands to burn she tossed them as soon as she grabbed them.
I mentioned I was naked, right? Hot, melted sock landed on my dick.
tl;dr burnt my dick with melted sock
EDIT: so for those in disbelief that a sock melted I guess I need to clarify. Some socks
are made with synthetics like plastic as a supplement to more natural fibers. This was
such a pair.
/u/gdaddy1995
Dear lord
585
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
I once just laughed hysterically at a guy. He got pretty pissed. He didnt look bad. I
was drunk, and he was super short with a massive dick. It was dispreportionately huge
compared to the rest of him. Once I explained this, he wasnt mad anymore.
/u/echocrest
Good save.
586
#476 What sexual thing you and your S.O. do (together),
that you are fairly sure no one else does? [NSFW]
2014-07-24 02:24:42
/u/glitchegier
It could be anything from foreplay, during to post-sex or even a random thing but it has
to be sexual in nature.
Wow: This was fun! Reddit is the cutest kinkiest place on the Internet right now! and
bonus My S.O. wants to try most of this stu!
/u/jseego
In an utterly unique and unreproducible mating ritual, my wife will perform a fan-dance
of her own choreography, using oversized foam #1 fingers as the fronds.
While shes dancing, I hide under a pile of blankets on the bed, and outline with a laser
pointer the areas of her body I find pertinent to my plans, which I describe to her into a
walkie-talkie, and which she receives in a headset unit.
Once she has accepted my plan, by ceasing her dance and pointing to the pile of blankets
with her #1 fingers, she begins a sophisticated shimmy over to the bed, and begins
humping the pile of blankets with me underneath.
At this point, I may shout its me! and reveal myself, or I may shout mayday! may-
day!, at which she will immediately discard the foam fingers, pull back the blankets, and
begin administering sexy CPR to me. Or, I can shout frijoles negros!, at which point we
will de-escalate our precoital machinations, and order mexican food and watch a movie.
Frijoles negros dont actually have to be ordered, thats just a code word. Responding
with anything other than those code words will result in her immediately retreating to a
corner of the room to masturbate, after which the whole sequence kicks o again.
Assuming I reveal myself, which is typical, my wife will lie back on the bed in a very
submissive pose and start reciting from the works of discredited 20th Century poets from
memory. My objective, while fucking her, is to thrust in such a way that the words she
happens to be saying when her voice rises form, over time, an exquisite corpse writing,
revealing secrets of the Universe from an extra-terrestrial source.
After the sex, which is awesome, we like to eat petits-fours shaped like the heads of
the heads of the World Bank and the IMF, while listening back to a recording of our
lovemaking, transcribing the words where her voice piques, noting with wonder the secrets
of the Universe.
Also wadding up immense amounts of tissue and carelessly tossing them on the floor for
our ravenous underfed pet to snack on.
587
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/petrichorE6
I know its nothing special, but I want to have a long happy marriage till the day I die.
Edit: well, this sure exploded. Glad to know you guys agree with me about this. I know
its not always perfect, but you can never know if itll work out if you dont take the first
step!
Finally, thanks for your replies, Ill be sure to read them all later.
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold stranger!
588
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Apparently some of you are fans of Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia. . .
/u/planification
Last year, at a wedding reception I ran into a guy who played basketball at our high school
ten years ago. He held the school record for most points scored in a game, somewhere in
the 30s. I dont remember. Anyway, a friend and I were talking with him next to the bar,
and he says, Man, I miss high school. It used to be every Friday night all these people
would come, watch me play, and cheer me on. It was the best. I miss those days.
So what are you up to now?
Oh, just working at the car wash. My dad gave it to me. You should come by some
time. Ill give you a free wash.
Business must be going good for you then.
No, not really.
That sucks.
Yeah, it is what it is. Anyway, Im go grab another drink. It was nice catching up with
you guys.
He leaves. Later on, another classmate of ours tells us that the guy just tipped the waitress
with some car wash tokens, and asked for her number. We mentioned our conversation
about high school basketball. Oh yeah, he doesnt stop talking about that.
Reflecting on that conversation, I remember when I was younger, and one of the popular
kids would pick on me, adults told me not to be jealous of them because it wouldnt last.
589
I hoped it to be true. But having experienced the moment ten years later, I just feel sorry
for the guy.
/u/E-B-Gb-Ab-Bb
He has to reenact the scene from The Incredibles where Frozone asks his wife (who would
obviously be played by Michelle) where is his supersuit.
590
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Wow front page, you guys are the best!! Now back to developing all these skills.
/u/CasterlyPebble
Cooking. It can be very enjoyable once youve learned enough, you get to enjoy your
labors afterwards, and it saves you a lot of money.
/u/mike pants
/u/petrichorE6
You know what they say, if you arent good looking and you cant play an instrument,
you better learn how to cook!
591
/u/angrypotato1
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
/u/stengebt
[Link]
/u/pinwale
592
never been founded without net neutrality, were asking you to share in the comments
some of the stories, experiences and events that wouldnt have been possible without
reddit. Wed like the FCC to hear it from your point of view.
Its easy to be pessimistic but the people in our reddit community do some amazing stu
and now its your moment to shine.
[Link]
/u/NewbieMcCasual
This was so much more satisfying than seeing it end in a penalty shootout!
/u/sage x3
/u/(deleted user)
Beautiful goal too! Worthy of a World Cup. said the announcer on CBC in Canada. . .
Not sure who that fellow is but damn he is good with words.
*apparently I am not
593
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/senchi
Funny how Baby Boomers are excused from the consequences of all the problems their
generation created.
Baby Boomers often complain that Millennials are lazy because when they, pur grand-
parents, were our age, you could work a part time job flipping burgers over the summer
to pay for your college tuition. And going to college guaranteed you a job. Now? Not so
much. Good luck with paying for even your textbooks on a minimum wage salary.
Were the hardest working, most educated generation. Yet because of the way the job
market is, and the postsecondary education system is, we clearly arent doing enough for
ourselves. Must be because were so fucking lazy.
594
/u/alwaysmispells1word
/u/themoosehatguy
Floating in a space suit while looking down at the Earth. One last good view.
595
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Wickedlove7
596
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/HonorConnor
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/sother2
Dat Callipygian
Thanks for gold ;)
597
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Sweet. Front page of reddit. Crossin that bad boy o the bucket list. Lots of genuinely
good to know replies.
Edit #2. Not to be one of those guys that says thanks for the gold, but thanks for the
gold. Some beautiful person spent $3.99 on my comment. tears up a little
Edit #3. I now understand paragraphs.
/u/RunningIrish
That its better to be alone than to settle for someone thats not right for you.
/u/(deleted user)
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Its not. The worst thing
in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.
This is from the movie Worlds Greatest Dad.
Edit: Thank you so much for the reddit gold, kind and lovely stranger!
598
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/dradaheind89
Blood is blue until its been oxygenated. -Every 3rd grade teacher everywhere.
/u/sapunec7854
I tried to disprove this to a group of 25ish year-olds a few months ago. After a couple of
minutes I asked them something like So if I took a glass tube that was completely empty
and magically filled it with blood that has no contact with oxygen it would look blue?
to which the unanimous answer was a YES!.
After I pointed out that I literally described a syringe they looked at me as if I just proved
to them that Mickey Mouse is real
EDIT: Mickey Mouse is real, relax. Its just that those people didnt think he was real,
thats all
599
/u/NayItReallyHappened
/u/sapunec7854
600
/u/loveplumber
Casual use of psychological terms like OCD, schizophrenic, antisocial, etc. People have
made them these really dilute, inaccurate adjectives that really should just be replaced
with things like organized, or moody, or introverted. The misconception is that
these mental illnesses are nothing more than personality quirks and it sort of makes light
of the severity in people who genuinely suer from them.
EDIT: This has clearly struck a chord with a lot of people and while there are many on
both sides of the argument that have already spoken up, theres nothing else I can say
that hasnt already been covered in one of the comments below. The fact is that 1) the
question asked what personally irked me, not what is absolute truth, 2) many people are
impacted by this phenomena as evidenced below, and 3) its also a grey area of linguistics,
culture, and appropriation. That much being said, thank you for sharing your opinion on
it either way. . . this is one of those times that reddit is a cool place for discussion.
/u/VanessaSoIll
28 years old and still will not say Bloody Mary out loud, let alone in a mirror multiple
times.
Edit: link.
Im really surprised at how many people havent heard of this.
http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=Bloody Mary (urban legend)
601
/u/jasongnc
My daughter and friends did that in a dark bathroom. I happened to have a burger king
happy meal prize nearby that was basically a laser pointer that projected an image of
princess leia which I projected onto the window shade of the bathroom from the outside.
Daughter had nightmares for a week. Wife was not happy.
/u/OP rah
/u/bob condor
602
/u/Kijafa
/u/TheGreatDickInThePie
Definitely music.
Ha! You listen to that garbage! is what I want to say, but I have to use self-control to
not look like a first-class bellend.
603
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
A song or a tune
Or a melody whole -
Should resonate, darling,
And speak to your soul -
For musics a morsel
To savour and sup!
I love you, his wife said. . .
But shut the fuck up.
604
/u/Twotonne21
We had a history teacher that would insult peoples mothers a lot. For example, hed pick
on a small, unpopular kid and say shit like: Barrys mum is coming into class tomorrow
to tell us what it was like during the reign of Henry VIII.
Hed also watch porn in class sometimes: Hey lads, look where hes putting them mints!
Edit: props to /u/JesusDeSaad for finding the link -
http://www.pornhub.com/view video.php?viewkey=4bfe8f797e14ebc635e7 NSFW
(However, safe for school apparently)
/u/Pizza bagel
/u/straydog1980
605
#458 What is the best thing youve woken up to?
2014-06-23 15:10:52
/u/Puppier
/u/totalrequestlive
My girlfriend sleeping peacefully next to me. That girl makes me so happy, seeing her at
complete peace with a little sleep smile on her face makes my day.
Edit: let me add that sometimes my 3 year old daughter will wake up before me and
crawl in bed with me. Waking up to her saying daddy, can we go play? Is pretty damn
amazing as well.
Edit 2: to clear up a few questions, my girlfriend isnt my daughters mom. My daughter
stays with her mom most of the time. Me and her mom were a terrible mix from the
start, nothing I really want to get into.
606
/u/iia
Edit: went on lunch break and this blew up, RIP inbox
Edit 2: sorry for the generic crappy edit, heres a moustache guy
/u/(deleted user)
607
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
It might not count because I was massively pregnant but I woke up in the middle of the
night, poured an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch into a big glass bowl, threw in a
bag of marshmallows, drizzled it with melted butter and then put it in the microwave to
melt the marshmallows. I then watched Dexter for 2 hours and ate the whole thing while
crying.
Edit: Gold huh? Well this is sure a top comment to be proud of. I shall celebrate with
burritos and sex.
Edit #2: No I will not have sex with you.
608
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Kaeptn LeChuck
Many romantic comedies recommend stalking to get the girl to fall in love with you.
/u/Rhamni
When in reality of course you should just tell her youll kill yourself if she doesnt stay
with you.
/u/JohnnyBrillcream
/u/tonygordita
609
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/crustalmighty
610
#452 What was the most NSFW thing that happened at
your school?
2014-06-08 22:15:48
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Camelanus
A teacher was purposely dropping pencils to look up girls skirts, he got sacked. There
was a rumor that one of the lesbian PE teachers felt a kid up in the changing rooms, also
we had an assembly about how mysterious and suspicious poops were being found around
the school grounds and school halls and as no pets were allowed on school grounds it was
very odd. Turned out a girl was going round just laying turds down when nobody was
watching.
EDIT: Wow there are so many upvotes, this is my most upvoted comment on Reddit,
thanks guys.
EDIT: So a lot of people were asking what school did I go to? Well I think it is about
time I answer, I went to school in the North West of England, I would give the exact
name of my school but I am ashamed of how I went to that school and would like to not
be reminded too much of it.
/u/acheekyrascal
/u/Beast Of Bourbon
The Butt-ler
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Dexter44
611
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Your favorite pornsite advertises to fuck hot local singles. How was your experience?
/u/maccalicious
612
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:(
[Link]
/u/Shitty Watercolour
Thank you guys so much for helping to make that happen, I couldnt have done it without
you. I do hope to be more active on reddit, it was really fun and more rewarding than
any work ill ever do. If youre interested in hearing more about what Ive been up to (also
been painting for Intel & Twitter and some books) then I might do an AMA next week.
Thanks !
Edit: Heres the link I was original given when the article was first published, looks like
it loads better http://harvardpolitics.com/books-arts/art-demand/
/u/spuzmonj
613
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Iamamomwithsnacks
614
And he replied- Is this the crazy girl who is texting me back?
We were inseparable after that. Weve been married for two years now.
Edit: I dug out the receipt to show you guys.
Front: http://imgur.com/mXbEk8s
Back: http://imgur.com/4PR5ZVI I wrote the date on it later, and I tried to cover up
the rest of his phone number and the other stu I wrote(his name, the intersection)
/u/invinciblesummmer
THAT IS SO BRILLIANT! And imagine, if he never did that, where youd be now! I
always wondered how to do something if I saw a girl in her car or whatever, but no longer!
Thanks, and congratulations ;)
/u/ducksfried
/u/KittyKat1986
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
615
/u/Le Pomme De Terre
/u/Master-Badger-Baiter
I went to a Christian school and one day they gave everyone a personal bible. Bible wars
commenced. We just beat each other with bibles. This went on for a week until the
school had to ban them. Thats right! My Christian school banned personal bibles.
We got some mini bibles from a guy in RE once. Everyone started hitting each other
with them yelling The power of Christ compels you! And we would go Dont believe,
dont receive.
/u/rainbowplethora
They gave out mini bibles at my school, too. My friends collected everyones and decided
they were Bible Club. I have no idea why, considering none of them were religious. I
guess they just thought it was hilarious.
616
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Jabbazliz
Poverty stricken Uni student, at a supermarket, opened my handbag to pay at the register
and a huge fucking moth flew out.
I swear the wing span on that bastard made a thwock thwock sound as it flew o
/u/Shitty Watercolour
617
/u/VladTheSoviet
/u/pyrexbong
A noise-producing fan.
Its always nice to know that everyone isnt being treated to the sounds of my shit.
/u/SOBWAW
splash
618
/u/DwarfShortage
/u/explore my mind
/u/ImAssuming
I fell asleep on the train and ended up at the last stop. On the way back I fell asleep
again and woke up in the other last stop.
619
/u/LaLongueCarabine
Ross?
/u/StickleyMan
This may sound crazypants, but someone can be a perfectly intelligent, rational, kind
person and still completely and utterly disagree with your opinion on something. Shit,
they can even (I hope youre sitting down for this one) be religious and have a strong
faith in god, and the same principles still apply.
620
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Once you place the potato, you must return to the present
No fictional lands allowed, only earth
You may only place the potato in the future or the past
/u/RedditDetector
621
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I like to think that there are some that could still be used.
/u/RalphiesBoogers
622
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#440 What moment in your life can you look at and say,
thats when everything changed?
2014-05-21 18:08:11
/u/motivatinggirae
sometimes its easy to get overwhelmed with how hard and endless lifes challenges seem,
but reading through your replies reminds me that people can do extraordinary things and
overcome more than we could imagine. your stories are amazing.
oh and i dont know what the fire nation is or why it attacked but yay! :)
/u/bobroland
Its 1986 and there are two girls at a party standing next to each other that Im interested
in. One blonde, one with raven black hair. I chose the one on the right. Everything
changed.
Had I picked the blonde girl, we would have had a good time, then moved on. I would
have moved on when college started, having a good career as a lawyer. Eventually I would
have met someone to marry, settled down and lived a very nice upper middle class life.
Instead I went right. We fell madly in love in one of those toxic and explosive kinds of
relationships. I decided against moving out of state for her, and decided to go to a lesser
school for journalism. We would both drop college entirely, deciding instead to just get
married. She left me for another man two months before the marriage, moving all her
belongings out of the apartment while I was at work as a bartender. I wouldnt see her
again for twenty three years.
Well, I tried finding solace at the bottom of a bottle. I sought release in drugs. I packed
what I had and hit the road. I would spend the next five years hitch hiking. I worked
623
as a juggler, a fortune teller, a carnival barker, a farmer, a shaman, a repo man, a drug
dealer and a beggar. Hell, I worked a hundred jobs, and lived in so many cities I cant
keep track. I got to drink my full of the world.
Eventually I settled down. I became a family man. Worked as a game designer, a teacher,
a writer. Ive been rich, and Ive been poor. My years on the road taught me more than
I could have learned in a lifetime at school. By going mad, I became sane.
I know theres another version of myself. He chose the woman on the left. He never lived
in a monastery, or walked the length of Central America. He never spent weeks in sweat
lodges, taking compounds that would let him touch the divine. He had never gotten to
taste the feeling of certain death. I dont think he fell in love with the world like I am. I
worry about him, really. What a drab life.
One moment. One choice. Everything can resonate from it.
Edit: Thanks folks. Didnt realize this story would strike a chord with so many. I want
to stress that I dont honestly feel the left or the right path have any intrinsic value other
than to myself. Theres no single correct way to find happiness. I know what made me
happy. Everyone has to find their own way.
A number of people have asked about seeing the woman again. My reply got downvoted,
but, basically, we did meet again. Over two decades later and I still loved her. I imagine I
always will. We fell into a whirlwind aair, like we had never parted. Love feels dierent
when youre older, but this felt as raw and primal as when we were teens. Sadly, the past
might be fun to visit but its not healthy to live in it. Our lives were too dierent. We
parted, and I doubt Ill see her again. No hard feelings on anyones part.
/u/OmegaTres
http://xkcd.com/584/
He isnt me.
624
#439 TIL a 57yo Japanese man has been learning to
SCUBA dive specifically so he can look for his wifes re-
mains after she was presumably swept away during the 2011
tsunami. He says her last email to him was ... I want to
go home, and he is determined to make that happen.
2014-05-18 17:56:13
/u/TheCannon
[Link]
/u/Yanrogue
That is romantic and all, but her body has already been decayed to the point of just
bones and collecting any of them in a body of water that large is impossible.
/u/jessewc
Disappeared to do some research and came back and you had already posted! Anyways,
heres some research for those interested. Warning: does show images of decaying animals.
/u/(deleted user)
This information makes his quest to find her corpse more depressing than it already is.
The odds arent in his favour. She must have been one hell of a woman.
625
#438 McDonalds employees, what is the worst thing that
has ever happened in the PlayPlace?
2014-05-17 22:56:40
/u/Alex34567890
Thanks for the replies everyone! Didnt realize McDonalds was such a shitty place.
/u/manboobsonfire
kids literally take their happy meals in there and forget. Heavier things are always at the
bottom (cheeseburgers) then there is a layer of chicken mcnuggets and such. 50% of the
ball pit is in fact edible. 25% balls. 25% poop
626
/u/FireLordOzai
So I started licking the whip cream o her, then she sucked my dick to get it completely
hard, while the other women chanted for her to fuck me. So we Fucked. When we finished
she gave me her phone number and told me to keep playing with the other girls. So I did.
This basically ends like one of those stories no one would believe. I ended up fucking 17
of the 23 women there, with all but one of those 23 at least sucking my dick, came in two
of them, didnt leave the house until three thirty in the afternoon, earned just under 4
627
Grand that night, and the bride to be (now bride) and I have met up a couple times at
hotels since then because apparently her 70 year old husband cant Fuck at all.
So ya. But that was by far the craziest. They normally arent like that.
/u/Killer Khalsa
I am just wondering what makes the human race vulnerable. That is all.
/u/cdc194
The fact that we use the same hole to breath and eat has killed quite a bunch of people.
Edit: Okay, I understand you can eat with your mouth and breathe through your nose,
but that doesnt matter when you have a hotdog stuck in your epiglottis.
Edit 2: Okay it would be stuck in a larynx but the epiglottis is the asshole that let it go
there.
628
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/LearningLifeAsIGo
Grew up during the Cold War. I honestly didnt expect wed all still be here.
629
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/trexrocks
630
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Maybe he - to acclamation,
Votes and gildings by the tons -
Formed the stu of adulation,
Posting gifs and pics and puns.
631
the comments mentioned that this is what they love about Reddit in the sense that its
people taking the time out of their day to help others, just because of shared interests,
its been really lovely to see it all unfold and explode, and now Im o to bed for real
cause its 3am and I have class in 7 hours! (anyone got tips and tricks regarding time
management?)
Thanks again guys and gals :)
/u/thespt
/u/BlakeClass
/u/chadridesabike
/u/BlakeClass
632
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jurymast
633
know youre one of them; youre one of the cool girls. Youre smarter than all those
ditzy popular girls, and that makes you better than them. Youre a unique and special
snowflake amongst a sea of clonebot Other Girls, and maybe, just maybe, one day some
cute nerdy guy will see you for the catch you are, and be the Derp to your Derpina.
/u/Quickles
This sounds like a more appropriate description than simply fat and/or hairy women. It
seems to be a self-righteous person with a defiant superiority complex who tries to cover
their perceived lack of social acceptance by taking up perceived socially unacceptable or
alternative activities.
/u/jurymast
Thats more or less what I was going for - people who cling desperately to the quirky,
unique, etc. talismans around which they have constructed their identity, and who use
these as a means of justifying their sense of superiority while strenuously rejecting any
kind of identification with the plebs (Im a nice guy, not like those bad boy assholes
women fall for! tips le fedora / Im not like those other girls, Im a cool girl!).
/u/emorrell
/u/jurymast
Youd be surprised. That said, high school tends to be where it peaks, and often where
you get the more generic sort of NLTOG girls as described above.
After high school, most tend to get over themselves; however, those that dont really
double down on it, and tend to specialize somewhat as far as their special snowflake
hobby/identifier (gaming, science, sci-fi, whatever).
/u/t0f0b0
High school never ends. It just attempts to disguise itself as workplace interaction and
politics.
Edit: Thanks for the gold whomever it was!
634
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MagisterHaseo
Im That Black Guy/Friend everyone has. The classic token, approachable black guy
that all white people know. Im also usually peoples first black friend.
edit: Holy shit, Im a Wayne Brady. . .
edit2: No, Im not ****your**** token black friend, I am just a token black friend. My
last name rhymes with Slavery, so that should help.
edit3: I really must thank whoever gave me gold! Im totally not worthy enough for this!
But youre awesome! Everyone here has been great, its like a mini ama here. Your all
part of the fold now, baby!
/u/thedanyon
Im looking for an entry-level black friend. . . what can you do for me?
Cool hand shakes, not smiling during pictures, the secret to dunking, a few dance moves,
and immediate street-cred to any situation.
Done.
635
Edit: Holy shit. . . Im friends with a Wayne Brady.
When I started college, I was one of the only black people at my college full of mostly very
rich kids so everyone assumed I was bad ass. When my friends would get into arguments
in the club, I would just roll up and say, Yo Katie, we got a problem here? The other
person would just lift their hands up and oer to buy me a drink as they walked away.
Only time in my life Ive ever been feared.
edit: I am indeed a female. And way too short to be feared by anyone.
/u/electrogoof
/u/Oxus007
636
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Babysitter2ndClass
We knew a guy who stuttered, Ill call him John. One day another friend was teasing
someone who had slept with a girl who was considered a skank. He said, Shes got
more STDs than John reciting the alphabet. That not only got a laugh out of everyone,
including John, but also the guy who slept with the skank.
637
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/hurdur1
Did not read the user name and was wondering why Bill Gates or a Bill Gates lookalike
was the worlds deadliest animal.
638
#427 People with no job or school to go to, what do you
do all day?
2014-04-27 15:25:55
/u/TheDonFather
Edit: I finally did it. I reached the front page! Thank you all. I asked the question
because Im going to graduate soon and have no idea what to do with all my free time. I
have a job, but its a night shift. Thanks again for all the feedback.
Edit 2: Gold?! Oh my!!! Thank you :D
/u/Broken Limb
I spend my days alone. I wake up at the crack of dawn and begin making coee for me,
myself and I. I then sit down and read the newspaper because frankly, it makes me feel
like I have a connection to the outside world. Later on in the day, and this is where
it gets sort of weird, I like to masturbate. Not any sort though, no, not your normal
wanking. I like to undress myself and walk around my tiny apartment and find suitable
pieces of furniture that would feel good on my penis. Im not ashamed to say that I fuck
my furniture. Thats what I do.
TL;DR Fuck your couch
Thank you, again, to the kind stranger out there who gave me another great
batch of gold. Though, I didnt do anything to get it. My sectional now has
two redditors names on it!
639
#426 What 5 words may convince a serial killer not to
kill you?
2014-04-25 17:54:17
/u/-Karmavore
/u/L3gionHD
[Link]
640
/u/jwarbs
Thought I was going to survive that, but the last 5 secs brought tears to my eyes.
/u/BrianDawkins
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/SensibleMadness
I remember this one case I had where this guy comes in and says that he was having a lot
of trouble breathing during sex. Said he would struggle but it was like this huge weight
was on his chest that he just couldnt shake. Sometimes he would nearly pass out. He
was also worried about a foul odor that would permeate the room every time he had sex,
and these loud noises that sounded like a wildebeest caught in a bear trap being fellated
by a porcupine.. To top it all o, he had a raging case of herpes locked in a four-way
battle for genital dominance with his chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis.
Luckily for this poor bastard, I had seen this exact collection of symptoms literally hun-
dreds of times before. My advice to this guy was the same advice I give to all of my
641
similarly-aicted patients: Stop having sex with OPs mom.
P.S. You really should have put a [Serious] tag on this post.
642
/u/partial to dreamers
edit: It is a proud day for me when I am able to get the words children masturbating
to the front page of Reddit, stay classy san dpedo.
edit3: I removed edit2 because it said [deleted] afterwards, hopefully this will fix it, though
I doubt it will.
/u/Pride Of Scotland
The smell. Moms were not always moms, they dated and fucked too. Most have had their
faces painted at one point or another. For fuck sakes guys, THEY CAN SMELL YOUR
CUM. Even if its old juice, they can usually smell the dank/musk of your pole milk.
/u/domuseid
Well Im gonna go claw my eyes out at that image, thanks for that
/u/Chavran
And the words THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM will haunt my dreams.
643
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Murphy1204
A candy man lures children into his factory and slowly disposes of them using the last of
an enslaved race.
644
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jubileo5
Nike would be an underage orphan named Lolita from Bangladesh and when you question
her age and your morals, she replies in a wheezy voice Just do it.
Edit:
My cherry has been popped! Thank you ever so much!
/u/turokthegecko
But those tiny child hands do things that adults just cant do.
645
/u/youareinthematrix
/u/JizzyMctits
/u/CutterOfCookies
One features an intense gay romance and the other is brokeback mountain.
646
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TempestFunk
There is a snake that has a specially modified ribcage with skin flaps that open up so it
can glide through the air. The flying snake, Chrysopelea.
/u/PKStarFire
/u/HulkingGecko
647
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/URKiddingMe
4 years ago, whilst visiting the US, a girl, knowing I was German, asked me why us
Germans like Hitler so much, and why we wouldnt elect somebody else for president. I
was literally speechless.
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Thehealeroftri
I know, youd think that after 80ish years theyd finally elect someone new!
648
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Greetings all,
As you may have heard, reddit quickly patched its SSL endpoints against server attack
of the infamous heartbleed vulnerability. However, the heartbleed vulnerability has been
around for quite some time, and up until it was publicly disclosed reddits SSL endpoints
were vulnerable.
Additionally, our application was found to have a client-side vulnerability to heartbleed
which allowed memory to be leaked to external servers. We quickly addressed this after
it was reported to us. Exploiting this vulnerability required the use of a specific API call
on reddit, and we have analyzed our logs and found nothing to suggest that this API call
was being exploited en masse. However, the vulnerability did exist.
Given these two circumstances, it is recommended that you change your reddit password
as a precaution. Updating your password will log you out of all other reddit.com sessions.
We also recommend that you make use of a unique, strong password on any site you
use. The most common way accounts on reddit get broken into is by attackers exploiting
password reuse.
It is also strongly recommended, though not required, that you set an email address on
your reddit account. If you were to ever forget your password, we cannot contact you to
reset it if we dont have your email address. We do not sell or otherwise make your email
address available to third-parties, as indicated in our privacy policy.
Stay safe out there.
alienth
Further reading:
xkcd simple explanation of how heartbleed works
Heartbleed on wikipedia
Edit: A few people indicated that they had changed their passwords recently and wanted
to know if theyre now safe. We addressed the server issue hours after it was disclosed on
April 7th. The client-side leak was disclosed and addressed on April 9th. Our old certs
649
were revoked by the 9th (all dates in PDT). If you have changed your password since
April 9th, youre AOK.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Unidan
http://i.imgur.com/MVmgqX2.gif
/u/SteampunkWolf
How can we know youre the real Unidan and not somebody who hacked Unidans ac-
count?
/u/Unidan
:(
650
/u/calvinswagg
It was the first year in college and I joined this club called the chocolate club and I had
no idea what it was.
The first session, there were like eight people plus the leader, and the leader led us to a
graveyard and told us to stand in a circle facing inwards. He then proceeded to hand us
each a chocolate ball and told us that we had to hold it in a specific way with only our
middle finger and a our thumb. He then mumbled some random words and then signaled
us to eat it and so we did.
Never went back again.
/u/daizia
651
/u/IAmABeatle
/u/-GregTheGreat-
The old dick pic to the inbox approach. Works every time.
/u/IdRatherBeRich
When youre telling a story, and you realize midway through how horrible its going and
how worse its getting with each word, yet you press onward hoping that by some miracle
the ending will make it all worthwhile, even though deep down you know only the sweet
release of death could save you from the awkward moment following it all.
/u/DwarfShortage
652
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/RamsesThePigeon
First, look your aggressor in the eye for just long enough to make it uncomfortable. If
they look away first, great: You can use the delay to prepare for the next step.
Once eye contact has been reestablished, contort your face into an expression of intense
horror and start screaming at the top of your lungs. Scream for as long as possible, all
the while keeping your gaze fixed squarely on the person who approached you.
By the time youre done screaming, everyone in the area will likely have stopped what
they were doing to stare at you. Oer your conversational partner a friendly smile and
say, There. Now everyone is quiet.
653
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/eemiiilyy
Even if you hate a girls guts with the fiery passion of a thousand menstruating uteruses,
even if that girl is your sworn mortal enemy, even if shes broken girl code more times
than Russias broken international law, if she asks you for a tampon and you have an
extra, you give her one.
/u/ vargas
This.
Heck, even if I only have the one, Ill still remove it from myself without hesitation -making
sure to squeeze out the excess fluids - and let her borrow the thing. Ill still need it myself,
obviously, so we would have to take turns with it. Kind of like the buddy-breathing
that you see in movies like The Abyss, only instead of our mouths, its our vaginas and
instead of air, its period blood.
654
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Athaza
Refusing medical treatment because you let God decide your fate.
655
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/PopularPeoplesFront
Simulation ending in 5. . . 4. . . 3. . .
656
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
. . . 2. . . 1. . .
[Link]
/u/SlightlyBiased
I want to just happen to walk by a kitten stuck in a tree and save it. I just want to die
a hero.
/u/womm
Just dont use a crossbow to get it down. You will piss o your neighbors.
/u/khaztraz
657
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:D
[Link]
/u/Taste ThePainbow
/u/ vargas
/u/way fairer
658
/u/mar10wright
What is your favorite insult or stream of insults? What is your go to line or comeback?
What is your no holds bar make them crawl under a rock and cry insult? What is your. . .
well you get the picture.
****Holy crap this post went from Im bored at work Ill ask people their favorite insult
to what the hell have I done. . . ..
/u/(deleted user)
Your mother is so old she has a separate entrance for black dicks
*thanks for more gold
659
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/partial to dreamers
My mother used to hate the word fart, so when we were growing up she would make us
say excuse me, I pooped instead. I have always thought that sounds much worse.
/u/ deener
Its cute until she sits on Santas lap. Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas?
Pfbhtbhtbhtbht Excuse me, I pooped. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SHIT ON
ME?! NO CHRISTMAS FOR YOU.
660
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/aMANescape
a peaceful and gentlemanly debate amongst the scholars from each potentially entitled
land
661
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
662
#403 Reddit, if you could learn the answer for only one
yes-no question about your future, what would you ask?
2014-03-23 17:14:24
/u/MidEUW
/u/thegodofmeso
Will i be happy?
/u/(deleted user)
If you say fetch one more time, I will break my goddamn foot o in yo ass
/u/fountaindiving
663
body image, honestly thank you for all of your kind (and some creepy) responses. Ive
never even considered the possibility that some guys may prefer small boobs so I am going
to expose them with pride from now on! In private, not on gone wild Im sorry.
/u/StickleyMan
My grandfather used to say, the smaller the tits, the sweeter the pussy. I find that
assessment to be mostly true. He was lacking the filter most people had, but he was
awesome. Actually, I think he had the filter, he just chose not to give a fuck about it.
/u/WildFan91
/u/pleaserespecttables ()
EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, but astonished how big of a monster I created.
664
/u/wrightosaur
()
/u/PleaseRespectTables
()
/u/Arrivance
() () () () () () ()
/u/PleaseRespectTables
665
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/DestroyThem
666
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/AdequateSteve
When she uses the toothpaste, she just crunches the entire tube. She doesnt squeeze it
from the bottom.
I bought her her own toothpaste and make her keep it in the drawer so I dont have to
look at it.
667
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#398 What is the coolest yet most useless thing you own?
2014-03-19 16:35:35
/u/dan the human
/u/judas calrissian
I have a crossbow in my living room. I cant shoot anyone with it because its missing
a draw string and I have no bolts. Its a nice conversation piece, though. When I have
guests over:
Is that a crossbow?
Yes, but it doesnt work.
Oh, cool.
Im a great host.
668
/u/corobo
That a crossbow?
Yup
Wheres the string?
Duh, safetys on
/u/(deleted user)
Oh, okay. . . can you go get the string and put it on?
No.
No.
/u/YouFoundDonon
Cousin walked in on me giving my gf oral. My head was under the covers and the way
he opened my door just had my legs protruding from the bed. My girlfriend just goes,
ummm, can you close the door?. To make matters worse, my cousin is a douchebag,
so when I was walking my girlfriend to my front door, saying goodbye. He was on the
balcony overlooking us, sipping a glass of wine and just staring us down. Now that I
think about it, its hilarious.
669
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
And so he laughed.
People have to stop saying (Inconsequential trend amongst young people) is ruining
America.
670
/u/AceOfDrafts
Kids these days are the most entitled generation ever, I mean some of them have iPhones
by the time theyre 10. Back in my day, we didnt get iPhones until we were old enough
for the iPhone to have been invented.
Edit: Two things, 1) Hoooooly shit I should never underestimate peoples ability to not
realize something is a joke and 2) It has been brought to my attention that some extremely
handsome comedian opened his set with this joke at an open mic in Dallas last night.
Eric Toney or something. Hes a joke-stealing hack, but again, just incredibly attractive
and funny and also single. . . ladies.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/BendoverOR
Didnt know she could throw a wae iron that far, did you?
671
#395 What is the most cringeworthy/embarrassing way
you tried to be cool?
2014-03-12 18:02:24
/u/HowBouThemApples
EDIT: As this is my first time being on the front page of /r/AskReddit Id like to take
the opportunity to say: PENIS
/u/blessedwhitney
/u/popcorny27
No kidding. Still feel a bit guilty about the way I treated people in middle school just for
the sake of being popular. But then I remember those people are all married now and
Im here on reddit. So I guess it evens out.
672
#394 Waiters of reddit, what fucked up shit have you
overheard while waiting tables? [NSFW]
2014-03-09 14:49:02
/u/applegrumble
/u/LimpsMcGee
Adorable little boy and his mom. I was chatting up the kid and thinking Im going to get
a nice tip. As I walk away the mother says Son, what have I told you about talking to
the help? I was 20 and in college at the time, and had never felt as much like garbage
as I did at that moment. Ruined my whole day.
Oh yeah, the bitch didnt tip.
Edit: By chatting up I meant talking to in a friendly way. Forgive me. Im old
/u/IndividualFire
Yeah Fluy, youre a good kitty. Well hes not. Hes a little shit.
673
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Montelloman
There was this young woman who was a bit of a regular at a bar where I worked. This
guy who obviously had a crush on her realized this and started to pop in to talk with her.
This continued for a few weeks until he finally managed to get her to start dating him.
They would then come in as a couple for a month or two and he seemed really happy.
Then I guess she broke it o. She stopped coming around for a bit, but he would always
stop by looking for her. One day she came in with another guy. It was a really slow night
and there were only a few people in the bar. She had her back to the door, so she didnt
see when he came by, but I did. The look on his face through that glass door when he
saw those two together is the saddest thing I saw during my time at that place.
/u/tupsun
674
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
ninja edit: Wow, front page! Keep the responses coming, Im sure everyone is getting a
good laugh.
/u/Bearsandgravy
Not me, my husband. Ninja swords o of Amazon. Wtf man. All he does the threaten
the cats with them.
EDIT: I am so fucking glad he doesnt know my Reddit username right now.
/u/learning2animate
675
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/grrrriggs
Why is his dick not hard? I only like porn with big throbbing cocks.
/u/shallow-
/u/Suduki
676
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/FPTN
Pick my nose.
I dont care, its so much more ecient.
EDIT: I got a Best Comment trophy for picking my nose. This is awkward.
/u/HowlinMadMurphy7
I find it hard to believe its merely a coincidence that my finger fits perfectly inside my
nose. Fuck society.
/u/Abcdguy
Evolutioned!
/u/dupsmckracken
677
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/VeryCommonUsername
A cure / prevention / treatment for Alzheimers. Grandma had it, mom has it, dads
getting it. Im fucked.
/u/SirRamen
Be the best you that you can be while you are still you.
678
#387 What is the biggest lie in human history?
2014-02-28 22:54:41
/u/shieldvexor
/u/azucardaddy
In my opinion, Joseph smith with the supposed golden tablets and the Mormon religion.
The guy was previously a professional con man and he wouldnt let anyone see the tablets
and they mysteriously disappeared as soon as he was investigated for legitimacy.
/u/lemayo
679
#386 What are you currently obsessed with?
2014-02-26 23:00:34
/u/mmm donuts
/u/cgar28
Honestly, Ask Reddit, some of the most insane stories I have ever read, dont care if they
are real or not.
/u/stengebt
Thats one thing I dont get about AskReddit, people get so mad about thinking that
lies are told here. Who cares if they are. I like to read and be entertained, and this is a
wonderful place to accomplish that.
Id never lie.
I know a guy
Whos cousins ten feet tall -
And thats the truth! I wouldnt lie -
I wouldnt lie at all.
:D
680
#385 What is the fastest and easiest way youve ever made
money?
2014-02-26 21:11:18
/u/jesuisjpayne
/u/lightstuonfire
Found $40 on the ground. picking it up: 5 seconds tops. Hourly wage at that rate:
$28,800/hour Yearly Salary at that rate: $57,600,000.
/u/not-a-br
I once found $50 in the middle of an aisle when i was at toys-r-us right after Christmas.
I was so pumped to buy an extra PlayStation game but just a couple minutes later i saw
a girl a couple years younger then me crying to her mother about losing her $50 and gave
it back.
/u/Das Wood
681
#384 Whats a simple task that makes you nervous?
2014-02-22 16:32:09
/u/Bluntbows
/u/Sir Slapahoe95
/u/SumRandom
Same here, although strangely it only happens when I make the call. If the phone rings,
I answer it no issue. But for some weird fucking reason, calling anyone aside from my
family makes me nervous as fuck.
/u/(deleted user)
I think its like. . . a politeness thing. I feel like Im butting into someones life. Like
theyre gonna pick up and be all MY WIFE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF GIVING BIRTH,
THIS BETTER BE GOOD.
682
#383 Redditors whove walked in on your partner or SO
cheating: How did you react in that moment?
2014-02-21 17:43:11
/u/Suddenbrain
This just has me curious. I like to think Id handle it maturely and just move on, but I
cant say there isnt part of me that would want to lash out.
This topic has nearly as many comments as the Barrack Obama AMA.
My poor inbox. . .
/u/diabloknk
Went to her apartment. Saw her fucking with some guy Id never seen before. Before I
can say anything, she says It isnt what it looks like!
I crack up - who the hell even says that when theyre caught cheating? While Im laughing,
i manage to ask her what it is if its not what it looks like. After a little bit where she
tries to come up with an excuse, I tell her were through and walk out.
Weirdest 5 minutes of that year.
683
/u/chicos bail bonds
This story is legendary among my friends. In an elevator with my wife, who is petite
while I am tall. Gentleman gets in and after some small talk asks, And is this your
daughter? For reasons still unknown and, to this day, I still question myself about, I
enthusiastically responded, I wish!
After one floor of dead silence, I mumbled, I dont think that came out right. . . and
the gentleman just mumbled, Yeah, mm-hmm and promptly got o on the next floor.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold! Im glad others can laugh at something that still makes me
cringe and wonder what exactly I was thinking to this day.
/u/ahhhzombies
I teach preschool. They tend to lack any sort of filter, so theyll just say it outright,
sometimes to me, sometimes to their crush: Matthew is my boyfriend! or Lets get
married, Julia. They will also occasionally try to kiss their crush. Today, one of my
students Gavin kissed my hand & proposed. Hes four. It was adorable. I almost wish
adult men were as up front (although I think Id be a bit freaked out with a proposal).
684
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Musicalmoses
Ten years ago I was retuning home from a road trip with two friends. I received a phone
call from my parents asking when we would be arriving, and I explained that we were
about 25 minutes away. About a minute later we came around a bend; it was a full moon
and we could see the reflection from a lake below us and other than that the road was
completely empty. Suddenly everything went completely dark in the car, no lights from
the dash or gauges or headlights on the road. The music also stopped, and re-started
at the beginning of the cd we were listening to. There was now a vehicle pulled over
by the police about 1/4 mile in front of us that hadnt been there a spilt second before.
I assumed I had dozed o for just a second as it was late. I thought it was still quite
peculiar, though. After about a minute, the driver of the car tuned the music all the
way down and said did that just happen to anyone else? The other passenger in the
back seat sat forward abruptly and exclaimed I thought I just fell asleep. . . . We then
realized that the clock in the car was reading an hour later than it just had a minute
before. To keep ourselves from freaking out we decided that the car had possibly had
685
a momentary electrical failure and reset the clock to an odd time, turned o the dash
lights, headlights, and gauges, and restarted the CD player. But when we arrived home
25 minutes later, we were one hour late. I am missing an hour of my life, and to this day
have no idea how it happened.
/u/Pellantana
/u/lolwutroflwae
I swear to all the Gods that a similar glitch in time happened to me. However, in my
case, I was walking into the hallway from my bedroom, and as I got about 6 feet down
the hallway, I was seamlessly transported back to the hallway entrance. This was no deja
vu event. At least not like Ive ever had before or since. I distinctly remember physically
walking into my hallway when I suddenly start from the entrance again. I nearly threw
up and shit myself at that very moment. It literally made me sick and scared. I also
remember what happened about a second or so before this teleportation glitch. My
body started to softly vibrate as if I were some rusty ass robot. If you can imagine the
low-powered vibration of console controllers, but your entire body doing it, thats what it
felt like. It lasted for about 2 seconds, right until I teleported. It was somewhat painful
to move in that state. I never mentioned it to anyone because, well, obvious reasons.
686
#379 What statement, when said, makes you want to
scream BULLSHIT! every time you hear it?
2014-02-14 22:27:00
/u/Ziggle Zaggle
/u/MsPodgeway
If herd-immunity protects,
And polios wiped out -
Why risk the deadly side-eects
Ive heard so much about?
#378 Whats one thing that someone does that just screams
Im a douchebag?
2014-02-13 23:02:26
/u/BigG123
/u/eatgeeksleeprepeat
687
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Waddup fam, I wanna to tell yall im sorry for not doin tha Xmas story vids, got wild on
tour in Australia after tha holidays. reddit is my fam n dont want to let u down! since
vday is comin up, i wanna show u some love n post a new vid. I wanna hear ur best love
stories to ur loved ones or to ur love of tha trees! ill record of a vid of my favorite one n
ill throw in somethin special! lets hear tha best one!
and you know i love these kids of tha SYFL, n i want to keep showin them support! help
me help these kids by donatin to my campaign n 1 of u could be my intern for a day in
LA!! http://prizeo.com/snoop
[Update] happy vday yall!! read my favorite story frm tha thread on this video, with a
little surprise at tha end! thanx for all tha support of tha SYFL! http://youtu.be/R-
q4e4wBlRo
/u/OprahNoodlemantra
In college there was a party in my dorm and a girl, who I thought was out of my league,
drunkenly fell asleep next to me in my bed. I woke up in a puddle of her urine. After we
both broke into laughter we changed our clothes. Then we got pizza. Three weeks later
we started dating. Since then weve both graduated and moved in together. It was love
at first piss.
688
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
could be anything and please provide a short description of why you chose what you
chose.
/u/verycoolguy1997
Fedora flipping.
/u/The1RGood
Mlady.
WOW, LOOK AT THAT FORM!
689
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Im sure there are some common behaviors (like hitting their brakes) or a lot of
fun/awkward moments when they finally notice you.
/u/thebarkingdog
I work in a city and usually, Im assigned on foot with 10 other ocers in a two block
corridor that has 54 bars/restaurants. Our job is to prevent robberies, assaults, DUIs,
accidents, and general fuck-upry that happens when 100s of people come out and get
drunk. I wouldnt call it knee jerk because that implies a sudden reaction but I have
noticed a number of common behaviors in the general public:
1. Driving like perfect drivers when they know Im behind them. On one hand, kudos
for them because they dont want to get pulled over. On the other hand, I have
places to go and get to, I know you dont normally drive like this, so lets just skip
the formalities and you can drive they way you normally would so itll get you out
of my way. I promise not to pull you over, I just need to get to this call.
2. In my city, its illegal to pee or defecate in public into anything other than a toilet.
Lots of guys (surprisingly, never girls) will duck into the alleys or doorways on their
way to, or after the bars close. We know where these hot spots are. So sometimes
my partner and I will sneak up on guys peeing, shine a light on them, and yell in
our best commanding voices, WHAT, ARE YOU, DOING?!. Its then hilarious
to see them freak out and piss all over themselves trying to put their dicks back
690
inside their pants. When were patrolling in a car and can use the call bullhorn, its
twice as funny.
3. A combination of curiosity and lack of common sense. When people see police
around, they tend to ask questions. I have no problem with this but sometimes the
timing and content of their questions. For example, one day I was on a trac stop
for a suspected DUI driver, with another ocer, at night. While conducting the
stop and trying to do a field sobriety test, a citizen walking his dog, thought that
this would be the perfect time to approach me and my partner and ask Do both of
you REALLY need to have the lights flashing on your squad cars? Its hurting my
eyes. Or if they think because 2 or more police ocers are around, something must
be amiss. Whats going on? Did something happen? Im a concerned citizen,
why are you guys in the area? Nothing. No. And Because I have to work all night
and this coee shop has better coee than 7-11. To understand this better, watch
this video
Ive only been a police ocer for 2 years now but I really enjoy this job. Along with the
knee jerk reactions I get, I get to help people and genuinely enjoy working for, with, and
around the general public. If you have any other questions, please be free to ask!
/u/AsciiFace
> Driving like perfect drivers when they know Im behind them. On one hand, kudos for
them because they dont want to get pulled over. On the other hand, I have places to go
and get to, I know you dont normally drive like this, so lets just skip the formalities and
you can drive they way you normally would so itll get you out of my way. I promise not
to pull you over, I just need to get to this call.
NICE TRY UNDER-QUOTA COP
edit: thank you kind person for the reddit gold. I didnt think this would be funny enough
to warrant all of this.
691
#374 Frugal redditors, what is the one tip you would give
people to quickly and easily start spending less money?
2014-02-09 18:02:13
/u/readysteadyjedi
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/gf3
692
#373 What would be D&D-like Skill Sets for the Nation-
alities of the world?
2014-02-07 02:06:13
/u/rogelius
/u/PrefixOoblekk
/u/Driftingdad
So Im in this position right now. I am a stay at home dad. I do not worry about money.
Today, I woke up, got my daughter out of her crib, changed a poopy diaper. Gave her
some waes, bottle of milk, banana, apple slices, turned on the classic rock station.
Talked to her while I checked the news. We then futzed around the house for a while,
I got her out of her PJs and into her normal clothes. Went and found a jacket, which
she pronounces Shaket at 21 months, because it was kind of cold. We went to a Vape
693
store in town to get some coils. Stopped by the Mall and walked around a bit just people
watching.
Got back in the car, went to this burger joint we like. I had the bacon/cheese, she had
dinosaur nuggets but really, they are just ketchup relocation devices in her hands. Drove
home. We played outside for about 2 hours until her nose started running. Went inside.
Bottle. Diaper. Book, book, book, book. . . .
Dinner time or nearly. Chopped up hot dog, Triscuits which she loves, food tube, bottle.
Book, book, book. Back in the car to get dog food. Talk to a few people I know at the
store. Drive home. Play outside some more. Dirt, dirt, rock, leaf. . .
Near bedtime, diaper, Bath, PJs, Book, book, banana, food tube. Nine on the nose she
goes to bed, shes out by 9:01. Never a peep. Reddit, porn, go in the garage, turn on my
music and the heater, work on one of my cars. Porn. Text a few friends. Play Civ V.
Play Eve and then I answer this question on Reddit right before I head to bed to do it
all again tomorrow.
This is what I do when I dont have to worry about money. And there is no better day
in the world than when I wake up, grab my daughter and she is smiling and laughing
and so happy to see me. It is how I spend every day and I cannot imagine a better one
than that. Tomorrow, her and I have absolutely no plans what so ever. So well see what
happens.
The OP never mentioned an endless supply of cash. Just enough to not worry anymore.
I think thats a key element here. Not wishing you were rich, when simply having enough
is all you need and most of what you want.
694
#371 How they killed unwanted male chickens
2014-02-05 00:11:41
/u/ApplePuncherd
[Link]
/u/goingnowhere21
If there was one click that I regret today, its this one.
/u/hannson
The Library of Alexandria. Not necessarily the most expensive or historically significant
item but I think its worth a mention.
/u/suid
695
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#369 If you could find out the truth about one conspiracy
theory, Which one would it be?
2014-02-01 16:57:09
/u/xTruzit
/u/Impaleme
Why the government is paying all the woman not to date me.
696
#368 Redditors who have stolen someones lunch at work,
why are you such an asshole?
2014-01-30 21:30:37
/u/ijustwantahug
/u/Ihavenocomments
Thats why I masturbate into and onto everything in the company fridge. Because I
know that eventually, some asshole will steal someones lunch, then theyll have to eat
my semen.
697
/u/no thanks im gucci
Ive been wondering if pineapples actually make you taste better so Ive been measuring
that for a while.
Some people know my account so Im hoping this thread doesnt blow up.
edit: for those asking, what Ive noticed is that it does not necessarily taste better, only
less bad. But Ive only been at it for like 2 weeks guys so I dunno
edit the second: oy reddit just wanted to give you all a big fuck u, my friend just bought
me 5 pineapples
/u/notathrowaway4
698
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
What do you do for a living? Why arent you concerned that your fellow employ-
ees/classmates/family/neighbors will recognize you?
Edit: You all broke my inbox
Edit 2: What!?! I dont get real Karma for this? I quit!
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
Its probably pretty simple. They probably (1) dont have a significant other, or have one
thats very liberal about sex/nudity, and (2) dont really give a shit if their coworkers and
friends see them naked. Its really more a function of how comfortable with your body
being seen naked than any particular position in life.
/u/wh1terabb1t
Or they are extremely naive and think no one from the real world will see them on
gonewild.
699
/u/erra539
This is much more likely. The consequences of your coworkers or boss seeing you naked
on the Internet are huge.
/u/jcsimpson
Id tell captivating stories as a bard. They would be based of Hollywood movies. Heareth
the tale of turtles four trained in the arts of the ninja! Or perchance the tale of master
Cobb as he walks the world of dreams!
700
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/BecauseoftheInternet
701
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
No.
Wait.
Fuck it. . .
Twins.
/u/Vallessir
702
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#361 They really went the extra mile for this one.
2014-01-22 17:37:46
/u/Ying Time
[Link]
/u/KnavishSprite
Hoping thats not real cement. Real cement would be caustic and burn the skin, it would
likely asphyxiate her when it sets and stops her being able to breathe, and it would be
impossible to remove without power tools (or gravity).
/u/willyscoot
/u/chavo24
Looks like youre stuck in cement, lets see if my cock can get you out.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
703
/u/livingshangrila
/u/braeson
#360 You can only watch one porn video for the rest of
your life, what would it be? [NSFW]
2014-01-22 03:06:42
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Imiretrof
704
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/AngeloPappas
/u/panorama85
you forgot the immediate remorse and guilt provided by your choice of porn.
705
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
As another licensed professional I often see people only after theyve tried to address their
own problems. Often this has tragic consequences. I am wondering what the proliferation
of Dr. Google is doing in other fields.
/u/Urgullibl
/u/StickleyMan
706
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Sarahsmydog
Abortion. I used to think it was wrong. Then my SO at the time got pregnant. She was
facing some health issues and the baby was at risk. She aborted. I wasnt fond of the
idea. It took a huge emotional toll on her and I realized it wasnt as easy on the woman as
I originally thought. It was dicult for her on a lot of levels. I realized then how deeply
personal that decision really is and how much it actually aects the person receiving it
in some cases and it made me realize no one has a right to dictate that sort of thing. Its
hard enough on its own.
/u/empathyx
Clearly the only people who know how it truly feels to have an abortion is an old rich
white man.
Hope your family is doing better now.
707
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/dasbootendisken
My mom was a police ocer. She tells the story of an old woman who called the police
almost weekly complaining that there was a ghost in her house. Theyd go in, check it
out, and tell her they couldnt find anything.
One day, one of the guys on her squad gets dispatched to this ladys house. He busts in,
worriedly, and asks if she has a 2 litre bottle. She nods back solemnly with wide eyes and
empties out a Coke bottle she had.
Maam, Im gonna have to ask you to wait outside. It could get messy.
She runs outside to the front porch. The cop walks upstairs, lights up a cigarette and
blows the smoke into the 2L bottle. He chills for a minute or two, then comes running
out of the house, triumphantly holding the smoke-filled bottle, screaming Ive got the
ghost! Ive got the ghost!
He threw it into the back of his Crown Vic, and sped o. They never got a call from the
lady again.
Edit: Holy crap, did this ever blow up. This was around 1992, Id say. ohandthanksforgold
/u/(deleted user)
708
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#355 Confused little girl meets her fathers twin for the
first time
2014-01-11 18:07:57
/u/spydereleven
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
/u/fleckes
/u/mrcheyl
709
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/jack104
I held the door for this rather large older guy with a gigantic white beard. As he walked
past me he said Thanks Sonny, you just made my nice list.
Santa?
710
#353 Employers of Reddit what is the most fucked up
thing you have caught your sta doing? [NSFW]
2014-01-09 20:44:18
/u/Anuul
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
Throwaways welcome.
/u/(deleted user)
Bamboo (I think) scaolding, bare feet, several stories high. And they dont have any
safety restraints. If you lose your footing, youre done.
Also, jackhammering and pick axe work in bare feet, no hard hats, nothing.
All of it India. Every time Im there I wonder how often people are injured.
/u/delayedregistration
I live in Indonesia. A friend of mine went around to construction companies trying to sell
1200 dollar harnesses to them, their only reply was why would we pay 1200 dollars for a
harness, when if they die, we just pay the family 500 dollars?
711
/u/IranianGenius
Sounds about right. During my time in Indonesia, it seems like all anybody cares about
is making money. The corruption there is insane.
One of the times I went there, there were huge piles of trash on the sides of the road,
since nobody wanted to pay anybody else to come pick it up.
/u/catch22milo
During my time in most parts of the world, it seems like all anybody cares about is making
money.
[Link]
/u/yuxin ma2005
It looks like some sort of grammar/hand-writing practice. The messages are rather mean-
ingless and uses 1 grammar structure over and over. It could be a song or a marching
chant, but it doesnt rhyme. I searched google and baidu and no hits.
712
The handing writing is pretty bad, just a hair better than chicken scratch.
It is written by someone in the military (low ranks most likely). I can tell because the word
(internal/personal organization, a word used in military camps indicating the tidiness of
your quarters.. bed etc. ) He/she also talks about walking in ranks, another indication
of military and low ranks.
The grammar structure used over and over again is verb + one + verb. It means to
give a shot at something or do something once.
Translation: The sun light spreads across the park in the morning, we welcome a new
day. Wake each other as getting up, compare personal organization (who can make bed
better?), hurry each other as we leave. Check if the (marching) ranks are straight.
The 2nd paragraph talks about working, relations with fellow workers/soldiers.
The 3rd paragraph talks more about working hard, teamwork, good working spirit etc.
etc. Its really boring so I wont translate it word to word.
At the end 1 2 3 4 is another indication this may be some sort of marching song/chant.
Edit: Please read my reply to OP below.
/u/TPanz
/u/yuxin ma2005
/u/ThisIsAHardDecision
Happy birthday!
713
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Translation:
/u/Genrok
/u/TheJoePilato
714
#349 American commercials need to get on Japans level!
2014-01-03 23:31:07
/u/thaanongamer
[Link]
/u/Skyblaze12
Product is a potion from Final Fantasy XII, the animations used are the same as in
game
Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv99JmJdto8
/u/liquidcola
Sorry, but I prefer silent, tiny, lo-res animated gifs that provide little to no info.
#348 Happy New Year from Poem For Your Sprog and
Shitty Watercolour!
2014-01-01 23:07:06
/u/Shitty Watercolour
[Link]
715
#347 In 100 years, what will people think is the strangest
thing about our culture today?
2014-01-01 17:25:31
/u/rutterkin
/u/TriniTornado
Hopefully, with all the recent talk of 3D printed organ templates, our descendants in 100
years will view organ transplant waiting lists as a tragic thing of the past.
EDIT: Oh my goodness, this thread exploded. I just posted this 2 hours ago.
EDIT 2: I made the Front Page!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
716
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/TheDarkDoctor
/u/KHDTX13
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
http://i.imgur.com/RFaK1G4.jpg
717
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
:(
TL;DR:
They opened up the safe for all
With hope and joy, it seems. . .
And found it empty, wall to wall,
But full of broken dreams.
Lets see some pics that will have me checking over my shoulder out of irrational paranoia.
foreveryone!
Thanks for the nightmare fuel reddit!diaperchanges
/u/Volundarkvioa
718
/u/jmhalder
You know why this thread Sucks? Cause I have upvote everyone that gets me to cringe.
You just made me do that
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
719
#342 Reddit, what were your biggest misconceptions about
sex when you were younger?
2013-12-20 23:55:27
/u/armpit thunder
/u/ticklemydildo
720
plan out world domination n decorate some trees.
Donate $200+ n you will also be GUARANTEED a signed pack of rolling papers from
the boss !! The perfect gift for the holidays!
Check it out n help these kids for a better future!! www.prizeo.com/snoop
Post ur stories n imma read the best ones on video !
UPDATE! Been travelin around d world but dont u think i forgot about my reddit peeps
!! ill be choosin my favorite stories soon n postin tha vids. dont forget to donate to d
SYFL campaign n help out these kids !!
/u/baseballwiz
Wear yoga pants. Ive worn them in private before. it feels like kittens hugging your legs.
721
#339 What do you most miss from your childhood?
2013-12-13 18:37:18
/u/JEZTURNER
EDIT: Thanks for all the memories everyone, I hadnt realised this would be so heart-
wrenching.
/u/(deleted user)
Waking up, pulling on yesterdays shorts and shirt, and running out the door. No phone,
wallet or keys. No plans. youd come back when you got hungry.
Thanks for popping my golden cherry. Hehe.
/u/DanielAntRoberts
And finding that damned near perfect stick. STICK!!! THE ULTIMATE CHILDHOOD
COMPANION!!!
(I know I know, everyone wants a log)
/u/(deleted user)
One time a door-to-door toy salesman came round, spotted 4yo me, and promptly tried
to sell my mum on some fandangled contraption with the claim it was educational. I
remember my ma saying A stick and a pile of dirt. Thats whats educational!. Christ
I loved sticks sigh
722
#338 Whats your dirtiest secret?
2013-12-10 21:39:15
/u/(deleted user)
Update: WOW Reddit you blew my mind! I have never read so much in my
life! Thank you to all the awesome answers! I tried to read all of them. . . but
as you may have realized, there are too many! :) Thanks again and I wish
you all a lovely week and end of 2013! :)
/u/Bk7
No throwaway needed. I was once laying around at my apartment watching T.V. and
thought, I could pee my pants right now and no one would know. So I did. And now
you all know.
Edit: I was 23 years old at the time.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Dontquestionmyexista
723
#337 What secret did your family keep from you until
you were an adult?
2013-12-07 18:27:47
/u/aves2k
How did you ultimately find out and how did you take it?
/u/winterandautumn
When I was six my hamster died while we were on holiday so my grandparents bought a
new one the same colour.
I only found out about this earlier this year! We all thought you knew, they said.
Looking back, I do remember thinking she was smaller than before. My family were
worried that I was smart enough to figure out the ruse straight away, but I sure showed
them!
edit: thanks for the gold, stranger!
/u/Brazen212
724
#336 Married men of reddit- how unreasonable is it for
wives to expect you to not watch porn and/or masturbate.
Do you all do it?
2013-12-07 14:42:48
/u/Slingyourhammock
Edit: to be fair to myself I think Ill elaborate. Im pretty good at initiating sex, but
yesterday I caught my husband fapping to something on his phone while he was meant
to be watching the toddler in the bath in the next room. He hadnt come to me for sex
and been rejected. I was horrified both at the secrecy and at the fact that the toddler
could have drowned. He said he could hear her and whats the problem. Thoughts? Did
I bring this situation on myself coz I dont like him watching porn?
/u/Hoodafakizit
If shes asking you not to do it while shopping in the supermarket together, then perhaps
it could be considered reasonable
/u/caitens08
Hmmm. . . lets see. . . I once had a spider crawl out of someones hair (granted it could
have just crawled tree, not the persons fault) I just kind of tried to knock it with my
725
comb non chalantly so they wouldnt freak out. Ive had guys that have so many bumps,
scabs and flakes on their scalps that youre constantly knocking them o and they get
caught in the teeth of your comb. The ones that dont wash it and its wet with grease
and a wave of stale cigarettes stench assaulting my nostrils is nice too. ALWAYS keep
hand sanitizer and cosmetic alcohol disinfectant on hand!
/u/saiek
> The ones that dont wash it and its wet with grease
I regret making this thread while eatting lunch.
. . . I fucking quit.
[Link]
726
/u/RanchWorkerSlim
/u/kiraella
He was one of the first people who really inspired me. RIP.
/u/OnlyDebatesTheCivil
He truly lived his life by the poem that got him through prison:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
/u/(deleted user)
727
This seems like a good place to speak (so to speak) out of verse for the first
time in the year and a half since I started this account.
>I have cherished the ideal of a free society in which people can live together
in harmony and equality. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to
achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
Even now, I cant recall the moment without that feeling in my chest. You
know the one.
Sprog.
/u/SteveBuscemisTeeth
I once worked on an Excel spreadsheet for several hours without saving. Dont fuck with
me.
728
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Wharnbat
/u/jdpatric
/u/Z3F
729
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/closethecurtain
Well where I live, oral sex is considered illegal and a crime against nature. Guess Ive
committed crimes against nature prettttty often. . .
/u/(deleted user)
/u/closethecurtain
what???
/u/tkh0812
730
/u/closethecurtain
/u/Tiafves
/u/danrennt98
/u/metallicashie
I work at oce depot and printed someones files and it was images and images of
dead burned naked bodies. He was a lawyer and needed them for court. It was about an
apartment building that caught fire. Those were the victims. I politely called him and
said please warn us next time. It was very graphic.
731
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#329 When was the first time you felt like an adult?
2013-11-27 18:23:53
/u/Ocer DanDan
/u/YourInternetHistory
Instead of going home for the holidays, you begin to visit your parents for the holidays.
732
#328 Females of Reddit: What thoughts commonly go
through your head while giving a blowjob?
2013-11-23 18:20:22
/u/sgtjayp
Do you think about the act? Making dinner? Solving world peace? What are you
thinking about?!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/red321red321
/u/way fairer
733
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I heard in Transylvania
A legend known to few -
A shroud of myth and mania,
As twisted as a screw.
(. . . One!)
(. . . Two!)
(. . . THREE. . . )
/u/RicsFlair
Love/Infatuation that I felt for a girl in late highschool. That was the best year and a
half of my life. I will never forget how awesome that Christmas was. I still think about
734
sitting on my parents porch, her on my lap, in a rocking chair. Chain smoking cigarettes,
feeling the spring breeze reflect o of her onto me. I still have never felt the urge to
kiss somebody so hard and so long as I felt for her. She was my first everything. I still
associate songs with her. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to go back and relive that
year and half with her. So I can tell her to fuck o. That girl ruined a good portion of
my early twenties after I found out that she cheated on me.
Thank you for the gold! I shall regift it to somebody who feels the pain that I did.
/u/Axerlite
And too think I was going to stop reading your comment half way through. . .
[Link]
735
/u/DouchebagMcshitstain
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
http://i.imgur.com/fB01HKK.jpg
#325 What are some sex etiquette rules that you think
everyone should be aware of ?
2013-11-18 18:22:13
/u/clydesmooth
From basic etiquette to more obscure. EDIT: Obligatory front page edit, I honestly didnt
expect this to blow up. First time on the front page.
/u/(deleted user)
/u/thewildblueindoor
Braces foot against ass cheek, leans in, wipes sweat from brow. . .
Edit: Thanks for the gold!!! Kinda been a crummy day for me and that put a smile on
my face!
/u/dlmcleo1
and. . . prolapse.
736
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Obviously Im not asking for names of rock stars, but I was thinking that if we hear
stories about how many hundreds and even thousands of women these rock stars had sex
with, then there have to be some with a story or two.
Im going to go ahead and make this NSFW to be on the safe side.
/u/SleepTalkerz
Obligatory not me, but I have a female friend who met and hooked up with a very
well-known baseball player a few years ago. In the morning, he was gone when she woke
up, but his assistant or someone gave her this gift bag full of expensive shit (like an iPod,
designer sunglasses, etc.) and some high-end gift cards on her way out of his place, along
with a note that said thanks for a great night or something along those lines. She said
he was a perfect gentleman. Apparently, from what Ive heard, this is a pretty regular
thing. All his one-night stands get a goody bag.
edit: whoa. . . inbox explosion. Im not going to say who it was, but I will say that
surprisingly enough, apparently, the dude who drilled my friend was not Derek Jeter. I
mean, Im not the biggest Jeter fan (Sox fan here), but autographed pictures after sex?
Really? Sounds kinda douche-y. Anyway. . . . I should also add that she thought the
parting gifts were a little creepy and weird. She says she didnt keep them, but gave
them as gifts to family/friends. He was completely down-to-Earth/charming/gentleman-
like during the whole evening beforehand, of course, making the awkward morning-after
routine a little unexpected.
edit 2: some wording
737
/u/whiskeynwaitresses
Derek Jeter
#323 If a man with a knife barged into where you are right
now with the intention of murdering you, whats something
within 10 feet of you that you could use as a weapon?
2013-11-16 22:11:46
/u/literate caveman
/u/knowses
An ax sitting against my living room wall. I saw a nice one at Home Depot the other day
and spontaneously bought it. You can do these things when youre a bachelor.
EDIT: Here is a pic Imgur
/u/punkpixzsticks
My husband does this all the time, so, if you find the right SO, you can do this too.
/u/faceimploder
I make spontaneous purchases like that all the time; my SO doesnt approve, but she
doesnt put up much of a fight about it, so it keeps happening.
738
/u/BarelyOriginal
well shit, your SO comes home with an ax spontaniously, you dont say Honey, you cant
keep that! you shut the fuck up and hope youre not the reason they bought it
#322 What misfortunes have you had for being too polite
to say No?
2013-11-15 20:33:38
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ mayhem
I attended a casting call for a local play. The audition was very open and we all watched
eachother perform. After the audition, I was approached by a fellow auditioner who said
he was writing and directing another play that would be presented around the same time
as the piece being casted. He said that he really liked my performance and would like to
use me in his show.
I was flattered but at the same time, this guy gave o a semi creepy vibe. He seemed
sweet though, and I figured there would be other people in the play so, what can go
wrong?
well. . . . A week later I get a copy of the script. and its. . . Its horrible, its the worst
bit of ramboling bullshit Id ever read. Its 5 pages of monologue spoken by one old blind
southern woman. I was a 23 yr old girl. . . Suddenly I wasnt so flattered to be in the
piece.
The whole premise of this piece is an old woman sitting and talking randomly to herself.
I wanted to write him back SO badly and say, Thank you, but Im not interested. Or, Im
busy, or my dot died. . . ANYTHING! but I just couldnt. Instead I begrudgingly wrote
when do we start rehearsing? and said its not bad UGH!
What followed was the longest 2 months of my life. Twice a week Id meet this guy in
the theater and recite the 5 pages of monologue. He wanted me to speak with a southern
739
accent, of which I dont have. Ive never been good at accents and I knew I sounded
ridiculous.
He tried to get me to do some character development on a character that made no sense at
all. Id ask him questions like so if this woman is born blind, how does she know what the
color yellow is enough to be obsessed with it? and hed respond well how do YOU think
shed know THATS NOT A FUCKING ANSWER! YOUR PLAY DOESNT MAKE
SENSE!
hed say things like.. lets put a suitcase on the floor next to you. and Id say why?
and hed just say why do you think shed have a suitcase? OMG! WTF!
Anyway. cut to the end. night of the performance Im back stage, dressed convincingly
like an old woman, complete with stage wrinkles. And the Director comes back stage and
says you dont have to go on if you dont want to. Im like. . . what? I peek around the
curtain and there isnt a single person in the audience. I said fuck it and went out on
stage, recited my damn lines, and left.
TLDR: got asked to be in a play. Spent two months working on the worst play Ive ever
read. Performed to an empty room. (sorry it was so long)
EDIT: OMG guys. dog. not dot.
/u/AmericanPsychonaut
/u/way fairer
740
#321 Hey Reddit, what is the sexiest thing youve seen
someone do that didnt involve the removal of clothes? (NSFW)
2013-11-14 18:01:02
/u/baconhater75
/u/danrennt98
I saw a guy helping someone who dropped the contents of their bag on the street with a
smile on his face. Helping someone/Being genuinely kind is a huge, huge turn-on.
/u/FabulousFlavor
I find that a man helping kids is an especially big turn on. At Subway a while back, there
were a couple of young kids in front of my boyfriend and I in line. Turns out that they
didnt bring enough money to pay for all their food. My boyfriend stepped up and paid
for their whole meal. I dragged him into the bedroom and sucked his dick as soon as we
got home.
/u/fuckingdubstep
/u/idk bro
/u/(deleted user)
741
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
~ Fisted_By_The_HULK
http://i.imgur.com/mBhZcPo.jpg
/u/artisticchipmunk
clinch
742
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Whenever I read Cosmo the sex tips sound terrible, particularly anything involving hot
and cold applied directly to the genitals. Has anyone actually tried these things out?
How (un)successful was the experience?
/u/way fairer
/u/(deleted user)
hoblo
743
/u/AMerrickanGirl
/u/RabidMuskrat93
/u/Superkaiju
Id freak the fuck out. If this isnt anyones first reaction theyre weird as shit. Honestly,
you wake up and your shit is all flip flopped? Id be scared as fuck and confused. Now,
after i calm down and accept whats going on. . . Ill more then likely masturbate.
/u/StoryTellerBob
Hm. . . Something definitely feels dierent. Maybe its the new sheets. I did say we
shouldnt have changed them. Never change a winning concept, thats what I said, but no,
Anna said wed been using them for 6 months and there was food, sweat and something
that might be dried blood on them and it was about time someone changed them. That
wasnt it though, there was something else. Thats when it hit me.
I opened a bleary eye and peered down at my crotch while poking it gently. Yep, thats
definitely a vagina, and Im pretty sure it wasnt there last night. I kind of liked being
a man. I even think I was good at it, but maybe God, like Anna, wasnt listening to
the whole Never change a winning concept thing and instead decided to mix things up.
Keep things exciting.
Honey, Im a woman now. Thought you should know, I said and nudged Annas shoulder
until she woke up. What are you talking about?, she grumbled, trying to go back to
sleep, but I thought this was the kind of thing you should tell someone youre in a
744
relationship with, so I persisted. Im definitely a woman now. Ive got breasts and
everything. The whole works. On that note, whats up with breasts? I never realized
they were so heavy and intrusive. Its like wearing a backpack back-to-front, except you
cant take it o.
Im not in the mood for your shit, Anna complained, but she rolled over and looked
at me. I figured explaining would be a bother, instead I lifted the covers and gave her
a peek at what was going on and that definitely seemed to get the point across, because
she jumped to her feet and started screaming and freaking out, as if I hadnt just told
her twice already that I was a woman now.
Well, I sighed, might as well masturbate.
745
/u/Superkaiju
Id freak the fuck out. If this isnt anyones first reaction theyre weird as shit. Honestly,
you wake up and your shit is all flip flopped? Id be scared as fuck and confused. Now,
after i calm down and accept whats going on. . . Ill more then likely masturbate.
/u/Sweetmilk
Every aspect of my social and family life, and even the way I perceive myself, is irre-
versibly upended. Oh my god what am I going to doWHOA I CAN TOUCH A PUSSY
FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE
/u/SG Dave
/u/Horizontal Runner
Try to look for something to comment on that is fairly neutral first. For example, if she
is carrying a book, or is ordering a certain drink (even at a coee place not just alcoholic)
or has a certain college or design on a shirt etc. . . comment on that first. If you dont
746
know the book she is carrying, say that book looks interesting and I have been trying
to find something new to read lately, are you enjoying it so far? Or say thats a kind
of coee I have never tried, would you recommend it? or I love that coee flavor as well,
I order it often. The next part is harder because you have to be able to transition that.
Also, you have to make sure to read social cues, and figure out if she wants to keep
talking before you try to transition. If I am turning away from you slowly, or trying to
head towards the door, do not keep talking. If I am facing you and laughing, or adding
new input into the conversation, by all means keep talking.
I imagine that sometimes there will be nothing obviously neutral to comment on, so create
something. Are you inside a certain store or restaurant - well there you go! Talk about
the store or certain items found inside. Are you outside? Talk about how you enjoy the
cold weather because you like to ski, even if she doesnt, it gives her a chance to respond
if she wants to.
This might not be the best way for all women, but I enjoy a guy that gives me the chance
to comment back, if I so choose. If I am not interested I will not be rude, but I will be
short and concise and leave the area swiftly. If I am interested or intrigued, I will respond
with a more thoughtful answer and create a comment that will keep the conversation
going.
It is the guys who just comment on a physical thing first that I find creepy, like wow
your eyes are gorgeous. . . I never know how to respond to that other than an awkward
thanks.
Also, there have been times in my life where I was very interested in a guy but was
too nervous to continue the conversation because my mind was blanking. . . that
sucks, so dont always take it hard if a girl isnt saying much.
TL;DR I like when a guy talks about something neutral other than my looks, as well as
something that will start a conversation, not just a one sided comment.
*Edit - To clarify: I NEVER walk away while someone is talking. I meant I walk away
when there is a lull in the conversation instead of trying to continue it.
/u/(deleted user)
To add to this, practice with people you arent interested at first. A little old man/lady at
the coee shop? Talk to them a few mins about their day. A guy your age who is wearing
your favorite bands shirt? Talk and just be friendly. Young couple with kids? Make
faces at the kids or wave. Oer whatever help you might be, like picking up a dropped
item or oering a hand when someone clearly needs a step. Once you get comfortable
being that person approaching a cute girl is no problem, shes a real person and youve
approached a real person a hundred times.
edit: thanks for the gold! I dont know what to say :)
/u/Horizontal Runner
I love this!!! I once had a great conversation with an older couple at a bar. That really
helped me get used to talking to strangers, while not being worried about a romantic side
of things.
747
This is great advice.
/u/hobokenbob
Are you kidding? Fact: 97% of older couples at bars are cruisin for a younger third party
for wierd roleplay sex.
/u/Ontrek
/u/ScarletRhi
My dad said the thing that surprised him about raising girls was the fact that they are
even more gross than guys.
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/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/platinumbinder
The thumbnail for this post is unlike any of the other subreddits I am subscribed to and
mildly alarmed me
749
#313 If your SO lost their memory, what would you not
tell them about yourself ?
2013-10-26 23:47:57
/u/GTKMinecraft
/u/fourpercent
That one time I was trying to be daring and tried rescuing that duck from the mini
whirlpool in pond, but ended up falling in and had to be rescued by her.
/u/StickleyMan
And why?
750
/u/danrennt98
/u/way fairer
Watch as the sloth cheetah briskly walks after her prey. Beautiful creature.
Edit: Obligatory NSFW tag. You never know. Mandatory first page edit: Wow guys, this
blew up. Hello Tyler!
/u/(deleted user)
Study.
Edit: Wow, being gilded is the kind of thing I never thought would happen to me! Its
exactly what I needed this week, thank you so much!
751
/u/Paquet94
/u/catch22milo
/u/toxicbox
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
/u/gangnam style
752
/u/chunky dolphin
/u/gangnam style
/u/(deleted user)
Im a waiter at a chain restaurant prominent in my area, not the worst case of parenting
Ive seen but this is the one that comes to mind.
Two overweight women come in with their kids. When asked what to drink, one of the
kids replies with an enthusiastic Apple juice! Mom looks at her kid, says, No, honey,
you just had juice in the car. So the kid pouts a second, but then his face brightens and
he says, Water! Mom looks over at him, says, No, son! You dont like water! You can
have coke, sprite, or dr. pepper!
He orders a sprite. The other kid takes his lead and orders dr. pepper.
753
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
The thought that Id be able to attract not one, but two women is absolutely preposterous.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, thats pretty fucking cool.
/u/way fairer
If you get fat enough you will attract every woman in the world. Thats how gravity
works.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
754
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/ClaudioRules
If I saw this dude in real life I would shit my armor plated pants
/u/way fairer
Honest question: Is there a zipper equivalent or something on the armor so you can piss
without removing the entire suit?
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/IranianGenius
Definitely more terrifying to try to fight someone when theyve already pissed themselves.
755
/u/Pravusmentis
I think we should get something like the jokers flower, so you squirt piss in your enemies
faces while fighting them, fuck them /r/crazyideas rules
/u/Skyhawk1
Lather, rinse, repeat. Everyone would be stuck in their shower until they died of starva-
tion.
756
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
He stood alone.
[Link]
/u/PJenningsofSussex
could we also just have some black socks that say Test Sock Please Ignore that would
be nice :)
/u/SafeInTheCupboard
757
#304 Abdominal surgery + really bad e. coli = big hole
in my stomach [mild gore]
2013-10-16 21:56:42
/u/Higgy24
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Mild gore?
OP, you are fucking hardcore.
/u/Higgy24
Haha I wasnt sure if other people would consider it mild or not, but Im the kind of
person who likes to poke around in their open wounds so I guess I might have a stronger
stomach (har har) than others.
/u/stanfan114
EDIT: This has been great, guys. Seriously. Im blown away by how many responses
there are, and how many great discussions have formed. This is why I love AskReddit.
Here: have a song/video I made!
EDIT: I am still getting replies to this thread four months later. That is awesome.
758
Thanks, guys.
/u/sentient nexus
Nothing before the big bang, Stephen Hawking said asking what was before is like asking
whats north of the north pole. The philosopher in me doesnt like it.
Details Please :)
Edit: Sorry about the grammar mistake in the title, since I am new to Reddit I dont
know how to fix it.
Edit 2: As a recovering addict, I find it amazing all these people have recovered!
Edit 3: I dont care what the fuck you say, i am reading every single comment! EVERY.
SINGLE. COMMENT!
/u/CrippledHorses
I would usually wake up around 6 am to the sound of my dad getting ready for work, and
Id go throw up in my bathroom. If I threw up or pissed the bed I would usually have a
garbage bag in the room to throw my sheet in so I could take care of it later. This only
happened a few times but it got more and more frequent. Usually the vomit was dark
black, goopy, and extremely acidic. I found out later it was blood.
759
I had a constant supply of tums that I would eat from. I would then drink a bottle of
water, a hit from the bong to reduce nausea, and some valium to stop myself from shaking.
I would then wake up at around noon and take more valium to stop shaking. I would
usually sleep until about 2 or 3pm, sometimes up until 6pm. Once I woke I would take a
few shots of captain morgan to keep the constant body high going, and depending on how
much weed or valium I had I would try and make some calls to get some more. Around
7pm before my mother left for work I would go through her meds to find Klonopin and
Ambien that I could take later in the evening. I was ALWAYS thinking ahead - because I
liked to be completely fucked up by around 11pm. She took a quarter of a 10mg of ambien
to sleep, and I would usually take about half of her bottle over the month (Between 20
to 60 depending on the script). Denial.
If I wasnt hanging out with friends that night I would be on the computer all night or
with my girlfriend getting wasted and popping valium. Each valium was 10mg and Id
usually take around 20 per day. Eventually I would get really nauseous because I forget
to eat, or just took too much, and Id have to smoke weed and eat more tums. If I
didnt want to stop drinking at this point I would purposefully push the contents of my
stomach up and I would vomit violently, and then continue drinking. By the time it was
all winding down I would take up to 40mg of ambien. At the time I liked to tell myself
this was to sleep, but I always stayed up and drank with it in order to gain more of a
body high/psychedelic experience. Usually by this point my girlfriend would be passed
out, and I would just be on the computer. Many of these nights I spent crying from 2 am
to 5am, either when my dad would wake up and he could console me, or my girlfriend
woke up. Needless to say those two and my substances were my only coping mechanisms.
Many times my father would come check on me to make sure I was okay every morning.
This was my routine for 3 years until right around age 22. The only thing I have left that
reminds me of it is a bald spot of cement on my floor where my black vomit destroyed
the carpet, so we had to cut it out. When we got new carpet (they did this when I was in
rehab) they left that cut out. Every morning my feet touch the cold reality of the world,
and I am ever so grateful that I am alive. Sorry this was long winded. I had a hiccup last
night after two years of sobriety and this was really perfect timing for me to write.
Edit: this blew up unbelievably. Holy shit. Im at work right now but there are some
questions I really want to answer when I get home. Thank you all from the bottom of
my heart. To /u/poem for your sprog and /u/indiefied - the song poem combo has really
just done something for me. Words dont do much here. Just thanks.
Thank you all for the messages, the gold, and kind words.
760
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Well, once I got drunk and banged a rather unattractive woman. Much to my chagrin,
she got a little clingy. So, some friends and I were out and she showed up, no big deal.
We all go back to someones place for the after-bar. I pass out on the couch.
I wake up in the morning and she is on the recliner near my feet. My foot is under her
blanket. She has placed my big toe in her vagina.
I pull it out.
It is bloody.
No idea where my sock or shoe is.
I go home in January with one bare foot.
Edit: thanks for the gold, kindly stranger!
/u/CharlieThunderthrust
We have a winner!
761
/u/cran baisins
/u/Kijafa
Drugs
I remember going through D.A.R.E. And thinking Everyone is going to pressure me to
do drugs, itll take a lot of willpower to resist!
And then I grew up, and no one ever pressured me to do drugs.
/u/KayteeBlue
/u/danrennt98
762
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/g0ne in hiding
Periods. Period.
763
#298 What is the most fucked up thing that ever hap-
pened at your oce?
2013-10-03 21:37:06
/u/thefatclick
Edit: Apparently all of your oces have been raided by a SWAT team at one point
Edit 2: People like shitting on floors a lot
/u/crbiker
Guy came in naked, looking like he just rolled out of bed. Walked into the kitchen naked,
threw on a pot of coee and started cooking bacon. (Cooking bacon without clothes on?
Hardmode.)
After he ate the plate of bacon, he walked to his desk to do some work but got distracted
by looking at porn for a little bit and started masturbating. He didnt even get in trouble.
This is actually a pretty regular thing.
Source: I work from home.
/u/dlan4327
I was so confused until the second read through, where I noticed the fine print.
764
#297 What was the best kid logic you had
2013-10-01 18:39:35
/u/(deleted user)
Like believing the moon was cheese or if you fed a cow chocolate youd get chocolate milk.
/u/NeedsmoreCELLTECH
I used to think that the NPCs in Pokmon were poor kids in third world countries, forced
to lose because their pokmon were terrible. So once every few hours I would lose against
an NPC on purpose, just to make their day.
[Link]
/u/mhd
Given the draconian (to put it mildly) zoning laws in Germany, I thought this was
shopped. But apparently it was an art project, right before the condemned house was
torn down.
765
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: You guys have seen some really messed up shit. Im staying away from Walmart
now also.
Edit 2: so many defecating in public stories and a lot of them at bus stops.
/u/Biggybubblegum
I watched a large woman relentlessly beat her four year old with a studded purse when
he broke a jar of pasta sauce at the grocery store. She left in a hurry when security was
called, but everyone still saw the little droplets of blood trailing away.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Biggybubblegum
The price of a jar of pasta sauce is worth the chance of losing your child, apparently. We
live in a sad, sad world.
766
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
Getting shut down by girls in like the first few seconds you speak to them. I seriously
wonder how awkward or creepy these guys must come o.
/u/Work13494
Hey baby are you going to be walking to your car alone later tonight?
/u/SausageMcMun
By the way I roofied your drink. Where you going? Dont worry Ill find you!
/u/(deleted user)
Hey babe, Ive got a knife and a penis. One of them is going in you.
767
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Omnipotent Goose
Wow, her dad is oering to kill me now to save me from anything embarrassing Ill do
on this date. What a nice guy.
768
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/-Littlebear-
/u/whenlambsbecomelions
/u/salvarfawkes
/u/markspyguy
/u/geyserguy92
Crme Fraiche?
769
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/Unidan
Biologist here!
Sorry for the new post, the old post got deleted due to a bad title, unfortunately! My
bad!
Lots of people asked what I would do for when I received my 1,000,000th comment karma
point. Heres a list I came up with:
Anyhoo, for a more in depth look behind some of the pictures, check out these videos
that I made!
Heres a video on some of the most important birds that have gone extinct in the
United States!
Heres a video of the Gyr x Saker falcon that we took with us on a talk!
Heres a video of the Red-tailed Hawk being trained by my friend last winter!
Heres an adorable video of two of the fawns of that tagged deer browsing on some
shrubs!
Heres a video showing how we tag our research crows when theyre nestlings!
770
If youre wondering what I do when Im not working, the answer is simple: Im always
working and Im a frail, hollowed out husk of a human being! But if youre wondering
what I do when Im abdicating my work, well, heres the latest episode of the gaming
video podcast Ive made with my friends: The Collegiate Alliance!
Episode 7: Warframe (Part 1). In this episode, enjoy as we play as cyborg space
ninjas on a mission to retrieve incredibly important PowerPoint files for our cyborg
space ninja bosses!
Also, special thanks to our friend Noah for providing the music! Heres a link to his
page if you enjoyed it!
For my Reddit time, I still spend a good deal of time answering things in my ongoing
AMA, which has been running for nearly five months now! People are still asking great
questions, so if you think of one after today, feel free to ask! You can sort by new to
see the newest questions and comments!
SADDEST EDIT IN HISTORY: Well, I just hit a million comment karma! Thanks
to everyone for giving me a quantitative look at my own procrastination on the internet!
I couldnt have been this sad and pathetic without all your help! <3
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Unidan
Take em.
771
#290 How do you stop people from bullying you?
2013-09-18 18:16:40
/u/Fionro
/u/FenrirWasMisundersto
Start a rumor that he propositioned you for sex, then became violent when you turned
him down. Every time he bullies you, just give the ol head nod to those youve told
the rumor. Hell get wind of it, and hell be furious, but wont do anything about it for
fear of falsely confirming the rumor. Hell drop out of school and fall into drug/alcohol
addiction. Hell be arrested a few times for domestic violence before taking his life in
a manic depressive episode leaving behind a divorced single mother and three estranged
children.
772
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/OutstandinglyNormal
Guy and his wife; wife asks him if he has a pen. Guy says, in the most exciteable voice
Ive ever heard from a full grown man; NO, BUT I HAVE A CRAYON AND A WALL!!
HAHAHAHA!
/u/IrateGinger
I like this one more than any others in the thread because it doesnt involve sex or domestic
violence. Just a man, a crayon, a wall, and dreams.
773
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/D14BL0
I had an older lady totally forget that I was on the phone at all while I was remotely
resetting her cable box. I used to just tell them Im going to step away from my desk for
a drink of water while the box resets, since it takes about 5 minutes to do anything, even
though sometimes Id just sit there on mute until I got a response back from the cable
box again.
She started having a conversation with her husband, and asked what he wanted on his
sandwich. She took the phone with her into the kitchen, started making a sandwich, and
left the phone in the kitchen, I guess. I tried calling out her name, but she must not have
had me on speakerphone, so she just started arguing with her husband, saying You told
me you wanted mayonnaise on your sandwich!
They argued for a bit, and she made him a new sandwich without mayonnaise. This
seemed to satisfy him, and the arguing stopped. But she never came back to the phone.
I tried calling her back, but I guess it was an older phone that didnt automatically
disconnect the line when one party hangs up, so I got a busy signal. :(
/u/NaptownSwagger
Or, a darker possibility. She put mayonnaise on his sandwich one too many times. . .
/u/IranianGenius
774
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/thegamerdug
Asian. - If you type, american, chinese, indian, almost any other race or culture you get
normal stu. . . but asian is at least half nsfw
/u/chermane9381
I just did it. I reached a picture where an asian girl is licking a cat face.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
775
/u/RonJeremyEinstein
/u/Hilanderiam
/u/TheKnightWhoSaysMeh
/u/Edman70
776
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/-GregTheGreat-
The people who take a massive shit in the public washroom but dont flush.
777
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Before racism is called out, I have plenty of black friends. They, and their siblings have
normal names, I.e. Justin, Jason, Chris, etc.
Just curious why you name your kids names like Dbrickishaw, Barkevious Dquell (all
NFL players first names) and so on. I dont know 2 people in this world named Barkevious.
Is it a unique thing? My black friends dont know the answer so Im asking the source
.
Im a minority too and I know all races have weird, uncommon names like apple and
candy for white people, Jesus for Spanish, and so on.
Dont get your panties in a bunch I just want a straight answer. I googled it and anytime
someone asked, they get their heads ripped o so the Internet doesnt have a straight
answer yet.
778
/u/vote100binary
This should be a nice level headed discussion, that easily addresses the topic, without
turning into a shitstorm at all.
On that note, Im going to step back and watch the shitstorm.
/u/RunningInSquares
[Link]
/u/MusicMagi
When traveling from Boston to Charleston, my fiance witnessed a young mother and
more disturbingly, her infant child pat down. If you look at the statistics, the TSA hasnt
made the skies any safer. Its just a big circus in which money can be funneled.
/u/jaredscottm
779
/u/grimster
Airport security is a stupid idea, its a waste of money, and its there for only one reason:
to make white people feel safe. - George Carlin
[Link]
/u/thelovepirate
/u/Unidan
http://imgur.com/7aKcS2r.jpg
780
/u/thelovepirate
If only. . .
/u/ayo420
That angle from behind the dude where you just see balls and dude ass
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/ vargas
781
#280 Man Whores and Lady Sluts of Reddit, What is the
sleaziest/sluttiest thing youve ever done? (nsfw)
2013-09-03 23:42:27
/u/igivefreetickles
/u/bobbyreill
fucked my girlfriends Mom while she was at school and then let her suck my dick when
she got home.
782
/u/Krystel691
[Link]
/u/pete1729
/u/Davey meister
783
/u/FantasticDucks
When I was in the second grade, a kid stabbed me in the back of the neck with a pencil.
I waited until 6th grade, I was an absolute perfect student my entire career. One day, the
Teacher walked out to talk to the Principal. Unprovoked, I walked up to the same kid
and stabbed a pencil into the side of his neck. He screamed and threw some chairs around
in pain and the teacher came back into calm him down. When asked what happened,
I said he started a fight with me and I acted out of self defense. There were witnesses
(other kids) who saw me do it and told the teacher and the principal, but they refused to
believe I could do such a thing. . . The kid got suspended, I didnt even get a call home.
Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention then I thought it would. Also you dont need to
tell me that one or both of us could have died because, 1) its highly unlikely as evident
by the number of pencil related deaths being near zero 2) Neither of us did so theres no
sense in dwelling on it.
Edit 2: Ok, I mostly lurk on Reddit, and only comment sometimes. This one comment
and all of the responses has been awesome. I guess I just want to say thanks to all of you
who have taken such an interest in this little revenge of mine.
784
/u/Con-
[Link]
/u/ohenry mchenry
/u/perfekt disguize
785
#276 What is the most awkward thing someone you know
has done?
2013-08-21 21:28:35
/u/Jacobr196
/u/kbeef2
In high school, a friend of mine started texting with a girl from one of his classes and
eventually asked her out to a movie. She said yes, but never showed up to the movie,
despite texts saying she was coming. A week later, my friend found out that he had been
texting the wrong person. When he got this girls number, it was to communicate about
a group project for the class. So when he was putting numbers into his phone, he mixed
the two girls numbers up. The worst part is that he saw the girl he was actually texting
at the movie theater, talked to her for a minute and then said Bye and walked away.
Also, he made his Facebook status Going to Tron: Legacy with girls name so that girl
must have been very confused as well.
TL; DR- Friend texts girl to ask her out, texts wrong girl, doesnt find out until a week
after the date
EDIT: The friend this happened to is a redditor so Ill see if he maybe wants to make an
appearance in this thread.
EDIT 2: He says he doesnt want to comment right now because his reddit app sucks,
but he says Im really glad Im not the only one whos done that.
EDIT 3: Hes here now! Look for /u/nortlov93
/u/Mu7su
786
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Mullinberry
/u/(deleted user)
/u/theamazingsiddiqui
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tianys at midnight. Do I go for the vault?
No, I go for the chandelier. Its priceless. As Im taking it down, a woman catches me.
She tells me to stop. Its her fathers business. Shes Tiany. I say no. We make love all
787
night.
In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet
me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I dont trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty
years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and hes the chief of police. This is where the
story gets interesting.
I tell Tiany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. Shes been waiting for me all these
years. Shes never taken another lover. I dont care. I dont show up. I go to Berlin.
Thats where I stashed the chandelier.
/u/RoinAnjou
Alright Mr Schrute
/u/danrennt98
When I came out to my dad, he said Well, you know.. my first two sexual experiences
were with men too. Maybe its just a phase. NONONONO, that information was
unnecessary dad.
edit to too two
788
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
when i was young and stupid i was swimming in the ocean and there were those jellyfish
that supposedly dont sting you. i dont know what logic (or lack thereof) took me at the
time but i decided to thrust my junk into it and i will never forget the pain. i ran out
of the ocean and wailing in agony. I crumpled into the fetal position on the sand holding
my crotch and cried for about 10 minutes. turns out they do sting, it just the skin on
your body is thicker so they dont penetrate far enough to reach any nerves. the skin on
your junk however. . . ..
yeah i learned an important lesson that day.
[edit]
oh for goodness sake, why is this one getting upvoted of all the posts ive made. . . .
/u/iamkingoftheworld
/u/CREAMz
789
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Indydegrees2
790
#271 Whats the #1 Double Standard your SO does/has
that drives you nuts?
2013-08-06 18:37:02
/u/LoydXmas
I cant think of my top double standard yet, but I know Reddit has the power to help me
sift through theirs. . .
Edit: Never posted before. Gonna start reading now. . . Thanks for responding. Edit:
Well, That escalated quickly.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/phoney frost
Glad to see at least one comment here about the double standard being the SO being
harder on themselves. Still sucks she feels that way. Best of luck to both of you.
#270 What was the biggest verbal bitchslap you ever gave
someone in an argument/conversation? (NSFW)
2013-08-02 18:49:22
/u/TheOcialPoK
/u/MrFartBreath
After I broke up with my ex (edit: for cheating on me), she said that Ill never find
another girl like her. I said thats the fucking point. She cried.
791
/u/ariiiiigold
As you uttered those final words, I hope you suavely leant on the wall and theatrically lit
a cigar while putting on a pair of sunglasses and generally looking cool as fuck.
This questions stems from the idea that some Dyson vacuums are so expensive. Are they
really that awesome?
/u/attackmodeweeja
I will pay top dollar for my ass not to be chapped by toilet paper. Top. Dollar.
/u/cryospam
LoL I was the same way until I read the Consumer Reports article on toilet paper.
Looks like Walmart does at least one thing right, and thats cleaning shit up.
edit wow thanks for the gold!!
792
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Deep Rights
I am a commercial pilot.
I was on a small charter jet traveling as a passenger to a business event (I work in several
capacities at my company), and I noticed some rough turbulence on our descent then
some very rough bumps in quick succession. The other passengers were the normal kind
of nervous, but I unbuckled and poked my head up front to check it out.
Completely shattered right windshield with dark red streaks. . . Copilot told me they
had a birdstrike coming out of a cloud. I nodded and sat back down, assuring the others
that everything was fine. The pilot alerted ATC of the situation and we were given some
priority and pretty good vectoring into the airport to avoid too much navigation.
To clarify, windshields in jets can shatter but hold intact. So there wasnt outside air
rushing into the cabin or anything. . . Because then wed be in trouble.
Edit: phone spelling and such.
Edit 2: between this post and one I made about a month ago, Ive gotten several inbox
questions and a couple of AMA requests. Would you guys want something like that?
Edit 3: Ok, AMA it is! Lets do this in about 2 1/2 hours; Im headed to the gym right
now. Thats 00:30 Zulu time (I figure thats appropriate).
Edit 4: AMA: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1jdzev/i am a corporatecommercial pilot ama/
793
/u/way fairer
Weve got ourselves a real pilot ladies and gentlemen! He said the word vectoring and
used an acronym. Seems legit.
EDIT: Almost 24 hours and 17k comments. Never expected such a huge response!
/u/AbbieT
I used to think that dramatic crying shots in TV shows were the coolest thing, so I used
to go sit on this post on my schools playground and look out into the horizon, looking
sad, cause I thought it was the shit.
EDIT: Holy shit, guys, this doubled my karma. Thanks, ladies and gentlemen!
794
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/gateflan
Everyone hates you just as much as you hate yourself cut pretty deep at the time. Its
still the worst thing anyones ever said to me. It was years ago but I remember it so
clearly. Right in the depression.
Its hard to upvote anything in this thread :(
Edit: Hey thanks for the gold. I should call them up and tell them the ultimate comeback-
you got me top comment on reddit. Bitch.
/u/DancingBane
795
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/deliciousbirdthe3rd
Happened to me when my mom died. My now ex said Get over it, everyones mom dies.
She said this to me 3 days after my mom passed.
Thank you everyone for you kind words. And yes this comment did cause me to
start the divorce as we had been having diculties before and her comment gave
me the strength to leave during an extremely tough time. Also thank you to Sprog
for the generous gift of Reddit Gold and great poem!
796
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
For instance, you come home early and find your husband having sex with someone, what
did he say? What was the next hour like? Stu like that. Red handed replies only, no I
found an e mail posts please.
/u/SometimesImSadToo
I walked into my house after forgetting my glasses in the morning, it happens, I never
wear them enough, anyways, I walk in and head to the bedroom, showers running and I
figure wife got in after I left.
Then I hear a man laughing, and she laughs with him. So I kind of freaked, but calmly.
I sat down. Just sort of sat there, didnt know what else to do.
After a couple of minutes the shower turns o, they come tumbling out of the bathroom
and there I am. He starts stuttering, she starts making excuses as if I hadnt clearly
caught her. I just mumble, Forgot my glasses.
I dont remember what I was thinking, I reached for a pair of scissors on the nightstand
and Im pretty sure I at least thought about killing them both, then fucking Tom Cruise
bursts into the room and arrests me for pre-crime. Bullshit.
I didnt even do anything.
797
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/lobolita
Worked at a boutique in college. Saw a man buy a nightie (neglige?) in a size 4 and had
me wrap it really nicely, etc. Made small talk, it was an anniversary gift. . . .Awwwww, I
thought. 2 weeks later, same man walks in with another woman who was NOT a size 4
and she is just chewing him out and bitching about how you never buy me nice things,
blablabla. We made the most awkward eye contact when I figured it out.
TL;DR - Dont take your naggy wife to the store where you shop for your mistress, the
employees will remember and gossip about you.
/u/Ceirin
798
/u/Rhyme or Reason
/u/Gunboat Diplomat
799
#262 Whats something that isnt as bad as everyone
makes it out to be?
2013-07-19 19:05:06
/u/geologists
Explain yourselves!
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
800
#261 IAmA Colin Mochrie of Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Here to talk about the show and my new book Not QUITE
the Classics. AMA!
2013-07-15 23:55:33
/u/IAmColinMochrie
Hi Reddit, this is Colin Mochrie, back for another AMA. Whose Line Is It Anyway
returns tomorrow night on The CW. In the meantime, you can also read my book,
Not QUITE the Classics, as an eBook: http://www.diversionbooks.com/ebooks/general
(Available in hardcover this fall from Penguin). Its a collection of re-tellings of classic
stories, based on the First Line, Last Line improv game. Proof can be found on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/colinmochrie Hey Guys, got to go as Im popular elsewhere. Thanks
for the interest and watch Whose Line tomorrow, buy my book and live well. Cheers
/u/ihatedicks
Along with Ryan almost injuring himself when his head hit the table and broke the
light while pretending to be Carol Channing, what other moments did you find yourself
laughing a lot or holding back from breaking character in performances?
/u/IAmColinMochrie
/u/(deleted user)
Correct. I never understood why they didnt just change the shows name to Its Colins
Line Actually
/u/InfamousBLT
Because that would be incorrect. The reason its called Whose Line Is It Anyway is
because Colin is constantly setting the other 3 people up for comedic gold. Its unclear
WHO he is setting up, but hes always setting them up. Hence the name.
Colin is the mastermind behind the whole thing. The others just are along for the
punchlines that Colin masterfully sets up for them.
801
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
And how and where did you find it? what did you think when you found it?
Edit: Wow i never expected this response thank you guys.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
802
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#259 What is one lie you must keep up, that you hate,
but it covers up a much bigger fuck up?
2013-07-14 20:13:39
/u/Chris Jeeb
For example. . . .maybe you spilled a cup, of apple juice, in the hall, and it was not your
moms fault.
EDIT: Fixed my syntax in the summary as to not make it seem like an answer to the
question. Just a guy, caught between asking a serious question and dying to make a Blink
reference. Time to make some Toast and Bananas.
/u/bfilmmaker
My wife and I were at my parents house helping them organize things in the attic. My
wife slipped at one point and stepped right through the bedroom ceiling. I picked her
back up and I could hear my parents yelling What was that? What happened?. She
started crying because shes always trying to impress my parents, so I yelled down I
stepped through the ceiling, sorry! and took the blame. Years later, My family still
makes fun of me for the incident. I just look over at my wife and wink.
EDIT: Thanks for all the love everyone and the Reddit Gold. Are we the only people
with flimsy ceilings? We have boards that go across the support beams because you arent
supposed to step on the actual material that is the ceiling because it doesnt support any
weight. Its all just covered in insulation.
803
/u/Rickles68
I know most girls/guys at those kinds of bars basically fake liking all the customers,
but is there anyone that you actually consider attractive? If so, how do you treat them
dierently than other the other people that come in?
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/Gapmasta
I met my wife in the same way. Except she wasnt a stripper and I was pissing on a wall
the first time she saw me.
804
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
1. Go to grocery store.
2. Buy beer and baby formula.
3. Have enough cash for one or the other.
4. Put baby formula back.
/u/skyswordsman
805
#256 What is the best way to freak out a complete stranger?
2013-07-12 23:22:23
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Achak320
/u/GregTheGreat
/u/joeahchay
806
#255 What is the most useful thing you have learned on
Reddit?
2013-07-10 19:53:48
/u/Morlaak
EDIT: Apparently everyone learnt that moving back and forth in the toilet makes crapping
easier.
/u/stonemender
807
/u/I RAPE ANAL POTATOES
[Link]
/u/KittyCLawe
I also found it sweet, but now, Im too focused on how disturbing your username is.
/u/Uguuuu
808
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Talonspyre
/u/QuickWren
/u/Timthos
I honestly had nightmares about this when I worked in retail. Actually, I still do occa-
sionally.
/u/trivialretort
I had a previous manager ask me to leave college, in order to become a manager there. I
didnt go for it
809
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/MoosebarFit
Dont feel too bad for him. He dodged a bullet on the first date.
810
#250 I am David X. Cohen, head writer on FUTURAMA
- AMA!
2013-07-02 01:26:58
/u/DavidXCohen
As usual, I am unemployed due to cancellation so I have lots of free time. reddit - ask
me anything!
I have a great proof photo too.
THANKS, EVERYBODY! I (and Matt, and everyone who works on the show) deeply
appreciate the support and the kind words and the anger at our cancellation, even the
third time around.
As a special reward I have been authorized (okay, ordered) to provide a link to a never-
before-seen clip from one of our few remaining episodes (snie). Its The Inhuman
Torch, coming up on July 10. Enjoy! Bye!
http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/7tx1wt/futurama-helium-mine
/u/omarei
If this is actually you, then I have to ask: WHY ARE THEY CANCELLING THE
SHOW?! Why wont Netflix take the show? I am just so mad
Edit: I understand they are not making enough money back, but its just such a good
show. I dont understand why people arent flipping out about this. The simpsons (based
in the present, with limited possibilities) has been on for 23 seasons, while its counterpart
Futurama (based in the future and has endless possibilities) is being stopped?
Edit/Preachy message: Since this is one of the top comments, people must also be
concerned about Futuramas fate. Hence, I will use my ephemeral position of power for
some good:-
Everyone go and watch Futurama on Netflix. Do this often, and do it soon.
This just might have the same eect Arrested Development did. Go forward
unto Netflix my children
If you dont have access to Netflix, then go out and buy the episode jurassic bark. If
everyone buys this one episode, it might make the the execs feel like fry leaving behind
the dog (us).
FINAL EDIT: Snoop Lion just did an AMA and he just said he loves fu-
turama the most!!! LISTEN TO THE MAN MR COHEN :) /u/davidxcohen
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1hgnhk/i am snoop lion back again ask me anything pt 2/cau64y9
/u/purefx
/u/adamwayne gravytrain
811
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
body language, things they say, the way they dress? It seems like some people arent very
obvious about their sexual orientation, so, how do you know?
/u/campoanywhere
The trick is to look very closely at the guys mouth. If it has another mans penis in it,
hes likely gay.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/SometimesPostsThings
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
812
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Hi, Im Weird Al Yankovic, but you can call me Al. I record songs and make music
videos and do concert tours and write books and sometimes do stu in TV and films.
You can Ask Me Anything. Except about the movie Rampart, I will not talk about that.
By the way, its a complete coincidence that I happen to be doing this AMA at the same
time as the release of my new childrens book My New Teacher and Me! . . . but I should
also mention that if you buy a copy today you will automatically be my new best friend
in the whole world.
Look, its really me. See?
Still not convinced? Heres definitive photographic proof. I guarantee this has not been
Photoshopped.
Okay. . . whaddaya wanna know?
UPDATE
My book signing event here in Cincinnati is about to start, so Im afraid Ive got to leave.
Thanks, everybody, this was really fun! Lets do it again sometime!
/u/lvbnhbq13
/u/alyankovic
There are some questions Im happy to answer freely, and some questions that will never
be answered in this or any lifetime. This is one of those questions.
813
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Guys, can we stop saying OP is a fag and any other iterations of that? This isnt
4chan, and its derogatory towards the gay community.
/u/Harte3132
Mosquitos are horrible and the world would be a much better place without them
/u/ifuckinglovepie
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
~ ifuckinglovepie
http://i.imgur.com/YCg4NKE.jpg
814
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Guys, can we stop saying OP is a fag and any other iterations of that? This isnt
4chan, and its derogatory towards the gay community.
/u/kumanoki
/u/SomeRandomRedditor
815
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/leontes
Is it true that you guys can just give gold to anyone without having to pay for it?
/u/alienth
Yes. But asking for it or hinting about it definitely doesnt help your odds.
816
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Lancerman360
There was this one guy who stayed at least one night every week and he always requested
the same room. We thought he was maybe making drug deals or something so we searched
the room after he checked out one day.
Turns out he was hiding a blowup doll under the mattresses. We threw it away and he
only came back once after that. I kinda felt bad for him.
/u/ vargas
Life Pro Tip: Keep blowup dolls in your car so that you can use the carpool lane. Also,
fill them with gas so you never have to worry about running out of fuel.
/u/PonderingWombat
A human-shaped plastic sex toy filled with petrol sitting next to me while I speed down
the car pool lane? What could possibly go wrong?
/u/Raincoats George
817
/u/D2sney
Hi reddit, Elijah here. You have probably seen some of the films Ive been in, plus Im on
a tv show called WILFRED. And I deejay. And I produce horror movies too; and Im in
a film called MANIAC that comes out this Friday. That was a mouthful. Anyways, Im
ready to take your questions. Ask away!
proof here
edit - Im so sorry guys, have to go - this has been an incredible experience and something
that I have wanted to do for a while now, so thank you for all of your questions and
providing me some fun things to think about. And I hope you all had as much fun as I
did. I hope to come back.
/u/burgundyoink
/u/iamElijahWood
818
/u/burgundyoink
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/bosssauce316
/u/Lost-Chord
819
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#241 If you could give the person you hate most a super
power, what would you give them?
2013-06-20 01:22:45
/u/Rookridge
Legitimate, overall good powers, but maybe some would be more of a burden that
blessing.
/u/Killerbanana5
/u/HelpfulEngineer
820
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
So many fantastic books out there that could be made into something really special.
/u/nine8nine
ITT: Lots of adults who never get past the teen fiction section of the local bookstore.
EDIT: OK, OK! read what you want! I was just noting the trend. On the other hand,
however, if I have to sit through another tedious teen fic adaptation with my girlfriend,
and its your fault because you like reading overblown, poorly plotted and atrociously clich
stories aimed at (and sometimes written by) hormonal adolescents with less developed
brains than you have, I will be quite disappointed. Quite. Disappointed.
/u/underdabridge
821
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/TradocTanker
During homecoming dance at my high school in Maryland, this girl was grinding on her
date. Either she was very good at manipulating her ass, or this dude had no experience
with the ladies. I guess she got him all good and worked up to the point where he was
going to blow his load. Not wanting to cum in his pants, he decides to do the only other
rational thing, he whipped his dick out and came all over the chicks back. She ran out of
the room screaming, and he went and hid. None of the other high school dances I went
to ever lived up to that one.
Edit: For all those asking, it was John F Kennedy in Silver Spring.
/u/WheyGuy
822
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/MathochismTangram
/u/JustAnotherSimian
823
thizzizzle - to that place
whizzizzle - to what place
hethezzle - from this place
thezzezzle - from that place
whezzezzle - from what place
Edit: Redizzle, thizzle fo the goldizzle!
/u/-willis
/u/slackerdan
For one wallet, get a bunch of magazine with lots of pictures in them. Carefully cut out
the eyes from every photo displaying a person.
Get about 50 - 75 of these eye cutouts and jam your wallet full with them. If a pickpocket
grabs the wallet, hell be faced with a shower of EYES when he opens it.
Always good for rattling people. You can do other stu with eye cutouts, like placing
them on steaks in the meat section of your local grocery. But thats neither here nor
there.
824
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Well?
/u/Packersobsessed
825
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: If your question contains the phrase Sex with your parents chances are it had
already been said
/u/Renfield 333
Would you rather watch your parents have sex everynight for the rest of your life, or join
in once to make it stop?
826
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/wiseoracle
/u/Brett Favre 4
So is that the 56th film where all the stars are 60+ years old?
827
/u/ghastlyactions
Ive talked about this with many people over the years, both in academic and casual
contexts, and found only rarely a real answer, but maybe a broader audience will bear
fruit. Im genuinely curious when the last time was any of you spent time analyzing,
researching or reasoning out a moral or ethical position you hold, and determined that
you were in fact wrong, and took up a new position on whatever issue it concerned.
/u/monotoonz
why would someone downvote this? its practically the epitome of rule #2. anyway
before my daughter was born, I wanted nothing to do with her. I had always told myself
that if I had a child, I would not walk out on him/her. I knew what I was doing was
wrong, but at the time I just didnt care, I was pretty ignorant. about 4 months into her
pregnancy, I started reevaluating things. I asked myself just what the hell I was doing
and if I really wanted to end up like my father (he walked out on me -and I swore Id
never be like him-) and my father is a pretty big douchebag. I also started to think of all
the moments I was hurt by him and thats when it really hit me. Do I want that for my
child? Does he/she deserve that? for the first time in my life I was GLAD to say that
I was wrong. my daughter is the best thing to happen to me. shes helped change me as
a person beyond belief. I am forever grateful for her.
edit: Reddit Gold? thanks! :)
edit #2: that little bit about downvoting is NOT about my comment in this thread.
its about the actual post. as in, Why would someone downvote this topic? its actually
a part of my original comment/post. I wouldnt make an edit to complain about people
downvoting ME. sorry, wanted to clear that bit up :D
828
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/QEDomelets
Incognito window is now solely for porn, not for buying presents for family.
829
#231 If Reddit had existed throughout the last 100 years,
what would some of the front page posts have looked like?
2013-06-07 16:23:15
/u/whitt 22
/u/RayBoogs
/u/AayKay
Win the arguments that I had had with people that I lost.
/u/toxicbox
When I do this it almost always devolves into a fantasy where I also beat the crap out of
the person I was arguing with.
I cant help but feel this isnt healthy.
830
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/electron-shock
/u/WolfHunterzz
/r/TooSoon
/u/Arikuza
831
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Do you know people who fit stereotypes associated with their names, or is the name just
that suggestive?
/u/Gustavus Adolphus
/u/StickleyMan
832
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
throwaways welcome.
Edit: front page?!?! looks like my inbox icon will be staying orange. . .
/u/TheClayroo
Theres a little switch beside your steering wheel that lets drivers around you know you
intend to turn or change lanes.
edit: some people seem to be confused. Here it is in action.
edit 2: First time getting Reddit Gold. Props to you.
/u/notoriousstranger
/u/NotaMethAddict
833
/u/DMH838
I want to see everything! Pictures, videos, gifs, sounds, or even a story, I dont care. If
its creepy, post it. I love the creepy/scary stu.
Remember to sort by new guys. There really are some great stories buried.
/u/danrennt98
834
gracefully he was moving. He was very tall and lanky, and wearing an old suit. He danced
closer still, until I could make out his face. His eyes were open wide and wild, head tilted
back slightly, looking o at the sky. His mouth was formed in a painfully wide cartoon
of a smile. Between the eyes and the smile, I decided to cross the street before he danced
any closer.
>I took my eyes o of him to cross the empty street. As I reached the other side, I
glanced back. . . and then stopped dead in my tracks. He had stopped dancing and was
standing with one foot in the street, perfectly parallel to me. He was facing me but still
looking skyward. Smile still wide on his lips.
?I was completely and utterly unnerved by this. I started walking again, but kept my
eyes on the man. He didnt move.
>Once I had put about half a block between us, I turned away from him for a moment to
watch the sidewalk in front of me. The street and sidewalk ahead of me were completely
empty. Still unnerved, I looked back to where he had been standing to find him gone.
For the briefest of moments I felt relieved, until I noticed him. He had crossed the street,
and was now slightly crouched down. I couldnt tell for sure due to the distance and the
shadows, but I was certain he was facing me. I had looked away from him for no more
than 10 seconds, so it was clear that he had moved fast.
>I was so shocked that I stood there for some time, staring at him. And then he started
moving toward me again. He took giant, exaggerated tip toed steps, as if he were a
cartoon character sneaking up on someone. Except he was moving very, very quickly.
>Id like to say at this point I ran away or pulled out my pepper spray or my cellphone
or anything at all, but I didnt. I just stood there, completely frozen as the smiling man
crept toward me.
>And then he stopped again, about a car length away from me. Still smiling his smile,
still looking to the sky.
>When I finally found my voice, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. What I
meant to ask was, What the fuck do you want?! in an angry, commanding tone. What
came out was a whimper, What the fuu. . . ?
>Regardless of whether or not humans can smell fear, they can certainly hear it. I heard
it in my own voice, and that only made me more afraid. But he didnt react to it at all.
He just stood there, smiling.
>And then, after what felt like forever, he turned around, very slowly, and started dance-
walking away. Just like that. Not wanting to turn my back to him again, I just watched
him go, until he was far enough away to almost be out of sight. And then I realized
something. He wasnt moving away anymore, nor was he dancing. I watched in horror as
the distant shape of him grew larger and larger. He was coming back my way. And this
time he was running.
>I ran too.
>I ran until I was o of the side road and back onto a better lit road with sparse trac.
Looking behind me then, he was nowhere to be found. The rest of the way home, I kept
glancing over my shoulder, always expecting to see his stupid smile, but he was never
there.
>I lived in that city for six months after that night, and I never went out for another
walk. There was something about his face that always haunted me. He didnt look drunk,
he didnt look high. He looked completely and utterly insane. And thats a very, very
scary thing to see.
835
http://www.reddit.com/r/LetsNotMeet/comments/rvzaq/the smiling man/
/u/ceejiesqueejie
Oh my fuck.
/u/shiny brine
Sign a Do Not Resuscitate order at the end of my wifes battle with cancer.
Edit: Thanks for all the kind words and sympathy. This happened 14 years ago this
week, after 6 wonderful years of marriage (we were both in our early 30s). I got through
the grief and dispare with the help of a guy who stepped in and made sure I was on a
path to love life again. He had just gone through a rough divorce and I think I was the
project he needed to keep his feet on the ground.
Ive since remarried to a wonderful woman who understand and appreciates what my late
wife brought into my life. And weve adopted a little boy. Life does go on, and even
though we often miss those weve lost, it can still be pretty amazing.
836
/u/LSDismyfriend
After my uncle died of complications due to his pancreatic tumour in Germany my dad
and I dropped by his hotel he was staying at before he was admitted (he was in Germany
for treatment) to gather his stu and head back home (I was living in the UK at the
time) scattered around his room were little gifts he bought for my grandma, his brothers,
me and my brother, thinking he was going to be coming home soon after his operation
to remove the tumour had ended he bought everyone gifts. That was really hard.
EDIT: One minute I post a comment, couple hours later 500 karma, thanks guys you
made my day :) you are all great people and thank you so much for the great words.
EDIT 2: Autocorrect.
EDIT 3: Wow, Reddit gold thank you.
/u/mudduck454
The conspiracy about how this question has been asked so many times on reddit, that
the government uses it as a a way to keep tabs on who knows what and why.
837
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Holy fuck, I posted this last night right as I was going to bed, and i didnt expect
this kind of response! Thanks reddit!
Edit 2: Omg, so much win. . . ..
/u/(deleted user)
A teacher had to write a weird note about me when I was in grade 3-4. I was playing in
this jungle gym thing made of tires, and I was climbing out of the tire you see. My friend
said HA its like youre crawling out of a vagina!, to which my other friend replied to a
girl who was maybe 10-15 feet away Hey Nicole! KyroDCK wants to climb out of your
vagina!
She told my teacher and I got in trouble, even though I didnt say anything. My mom
got a note from my teacher saying that I wanted to climb into the girls vagina and that
I shouldnt be thinking that way.
But in all fairness, shes really hot now and Id so get in that.
Edit: she also never talked to me after that, she was probably super weirded out by that.
Like, really, I went to school with her until like grade 10 (small school) and we never
talked to each other about anything unless we were doing a group project. Maybe she
was so flattered that the Kyro dick wanted to be all up in that.
838
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/JJKeys
839
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
840
#220 If you were one millimeter tall, where would be the
most fun place to hang out?
2013-05-22 22:42:10
/u/PENIS VAGINA
/u/Nemesis2772
Mating with worm pussy, that shit looks wet. I bet it feels amazing to fuck a worm.
/u/raven12456
Religion
Abortion
Politics
Economics
841
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
The latest reddit gold feature is called The Butler. No, not that one and definitely not
that one.
This butler lets you know when one of your distinguished colleagues has /u/ mentioned
your username (e.g. /u/reddit) in a comment anywhere (that you can see) on reddit.
Youll get an orangered, and the comment they mentioned you in will appear in your
inbox. Use this information wisely for maximum comedic eect.
If youd rather your ears burn unexplained, you may turn o this feature in your prefer-
ences.
Note: the butler wont notify you when you mention your own name or when the mention
is in your inbox already. Thatd just be silly.
/u/inept77
This is going to be perfect for those novelty accounts like /u/Shitty Watercolour
/u/Shitty Watercolour
http://i.imgur.com/JlwW1m1.jpg
842
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Please no one say BJ, i know thats at the top of everyones list.
He is working crazy hours at work recently and doesnt have a lot of free time for date
nights. Any time when he does come home, I just tell him to take a load o and make
dinner or suggest he game for a bit because I know hes tired or stressed. Do you guys
have any ideas on something I can surprise him with maybe?
/u/pjkenk2
Tacos. Like, I want to have a Saturday where were driving to the mall or something, and
suddenly she pulls out a whole tray of tacos from under the seat and is all like SUPRISE!
TACOS and then we would eat tacos.
/u/iambicpenthouselettr
843
Who learned a jalapeos not a toy.
/u/somethinkreative
You can sign up for the military as young as 17 (with parents signature) but you cant
legally purchase alcohol until youre 21
844
#215 What simple skill should I practice every day, just
so I can be astonishingly good at it when Im an old man?
2013-05-18 18:00:51
/u/mooshicat
Im thinking of being practical and listening to some Spanish lessons in my down time,
but there must be something more awesome I could be doing.
Edit: Thanks for the huge reply. There are some real gems here! Were going to be cool
old folks.
/u/anyone4apint
Musical instruments may be good here. If you were to buy a cheap keyboard you could
dedicate say 30 mins a day for the rest of your life to it, by the time you are and old man
you will be a piano God.
The trick here is to make sure that no one finds out about it for the next 50 years. So
you need to learn an instrument that is small enough to hide and that you can play with
headphones on so it makes no noise - hence keyboard may work.
Then, in 50 years time, one day you walk into a posh restaurant with your wife, kids and
grandkids. They happen to have a grand piano just sitting there. You casually stroll over
to it and sit down, your wife looks confused, your kids even more so and tell you to move,
but your grandkids say play us a tune granpa. . . . . . and you do. Not just chopsticks, you
bust out some of the most badass piano on the plant. You dominate that shit. Everyones
jaws drops. After, they ask wtf how did that happen, and you just say you thought you
would have a go and you guess that you must just be a natural. You never speak of your
years of secret learning. You become a legend.
Edit: Holy upboats batman! I shall spend my virtual internet points wisely on pictures of
cats and a harmonica!
/u/Frescote
Make sure you dont die before you get the chance to show o.
845
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/yes armative
/u/D45 B053
846
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/thanh48
Do other people enjoy smelling their hands after scratching their balls?
/u/scira
Yea kinda.
847
#212 Men of reddit, what makes a creepy woman?
2013-05-15 00:13:36
/u/Whiteblackheart
/u/lazlounderhill
She asks you to euthanize your dog because she feels it diverts too much of your attention
away from her.
#211 Explain the plot of Firefly like you are poem for your sprog.
2013-05-14 01:34:33
/u/DoctorOctagonapus
848
Years will pass and menll seek boats
Sailing to a thousand parts -
Colours fade from scars and brown-coats
Over time, but not from hearts.
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#210 Sperm Bank Workers of Reddit: What is the most
awkward/funniest experience you have ever had with a donor?
2013-05-11 23:32:43
/u/Seawead
/u/Francisredface1
Not a sperm bank worker, but I was a nurse that had to deliver sperm to the sperm bank
wing of the hospital. This really creepy looking guy was there to donate. I was wheeling
the trolley containing the tubs of sperm and I passed him in the hallway. The guy stood
in front of the trolley and leaned over it. He took a big sni then ran his finger along
the lids. I was telling him to leave when he whispered to me shhhhh, the babies are
sleeping so definitely one for the history books
/u/DoYouWantAnts
Scrappy Doo - the annoying nephew of Scooby. Scrappy episodes always sucked.
850
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Probably a repost as old as time, but you never know something amazing could happen
/u/Puss149
I was in Key West and there was a homeless man with a sign that said 1 dollar for dirty
joke. Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: Alright sir whats your name?
Me: Puss149
Homeless man: So Puss149, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that
chicken have
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?
Me: two?
Homeless man: Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs
are on that white cat?
Me: I dont know? A lot?
Homeless man: Well Puss149, why do you know so much about black cock and not
enough about white pussy.
/u/skiman13579
I love that guy, i live in key west and so ive spent a few dollars on him *edit the best (or
worst) joke i heard from that guy is whats the dierence between a bag of cocaine and
a small child? Eric Clapton wouldnt let a bag of cocaine fall out a window
851
/u/Tugut
Reddit: Where there is always another person who has met the same homeless person
/u/UglyReporter
Entering peoples homes without their consent while they were not there.
852
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#206 What is the most badass thing your pet has ever
done?
2013-05-04 18:35:14
/u/cheddar
/u/(deleted user)
I used to have a wonderful pet rabbit named Cola. Cola had free reign of all of the house
and the back yard, he could come in and out of the house through a cat-flap in the back
door. he refused to live in a hutch so he just ran where he wanted.
Anyway, Cola developed a sexual relationship with my basket ball. I wont go into details
of Colas private sex life but leave it up to your imagination. Cola saw an approximately
rabbit-sized object and decided that it would feel good to. . . you know.
One day my little sister was having a birthday party and this required balloons. The
morning before the party we blew up about 50 balloons, and had them all strewn all
around the floor of the lounge room before they were to be organized.
Cola came into the house to see whats up and he was delighted to see a massive collection
of potential sexual partners. This crazy little rabbit proceeded to fuck the shit out of
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each and every one of the balloons until they popped, and just moved on to the next
one. Cola managed to pop balloons with his rabbit-dick faster than my sister and I could
inflate them.
This was absolutely fucking hilarious. Picture a room full of balloons and a rabbit hump-
ing each one till it pops. Cola was damn determined to pop each balloon no matter the
shock he must have experienced every time they burst. Badass, horny little bugger he
was.
Oh, and Cola fought huge possums and won. About 5 times during the time he lived
with me he killed possums that were twice the size as him. I never got to witness a fight
but god damn I could hear it when it happened. I swear Cola Hulkified during the night
and went on rampages.
edit: heres a (sorry low quality) photo-of-a-photo of Cola. Hes dead now so I cant go
take a new one. http://imgur.com/ZW24uG7
854
/u/leedorham
I was eating a PBJ sammich with my friends in the hallway and got full so started idly
smashing up the rest of the sammich until it was all mixed up together in a poop colored
moosh.
Then the corner of the bag broke open and the sammich squeeshed out like a turd. I
thought it would be a good idea to stick the fake sammich turd in the middle of the hall
while all the other kids walked by and see if someone stepped on it.
Well nobody stepped on it, and everybody noticed there was a turd in the hall. We were
chuckling about it but then the vice principle came walking up. Apparently someone had
told her. She looked at us and asked if one of us had done it. I walked up and apologized,
told her it was a dog turd. She told me that was disgusting, I was in serious trouble, and
to go get supplies from the custodian to clean up the mess myself.
I told her that wouldnt be necessary, picked it up, and ate it.
Preferably foods. If you ate dog shit its not a suprise when it tastes like dog shit.
/u/pjkenk2
I really wanted tacos one evening, like REALLY REALLY wanted tacos. Sadly my car
was in the shop, so I was pretty much immobile. I had meat, seasoning, cheese, toppings,
everything you would need EXCEPT a fucking taco shell.
Theres a small sketchy convenience store near me so I thought, maybe they have some?
I went to it and found some corn tortillas hiding in the back, they were expired, but only
by a couple days, so I didnt worry about it. I bought them and took them home.
I cooked up the meat, sauteed the peppers, heated the beans, and was ready to eat. I
prepped up two tacos, sat down, and bit into one. Now the first thing I noticed was the
texture. Even though they felt like a normal taco shell on the outside, as soon as I bit
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into it, I felt like it transformed into little pieces of cardboard. Its as though it instantly
turned into a hard taco but with no crunch.
That wasnt as bad as the taste though. Imagine sitting down with your mouth open
while a sumo wrestler scoops his smagma all along your gums, slowly pouring microwaved
styrofoam down your throat. Thats what it tasted like.
Worst tacos ever. Only ate three.
/u/greensign
Edit: THOUSANDS of submissions! Whoa. I cant get to all of them but I absolutely
love reading as many as I can. Almost every one makes me laugh, subtly cringe, and
thank the universe that Im not you.
/u/calliope720
When I was in sixth grade, I was really good friends with a girl who was kind of a
social outcast. I didnt understand why - there was nothing wrong with her. She was
super smart, friendly, gregarious, and cute. She had an adorably gigantic mop of curly
brown hair, and glasses perched on a pointed nose. She had big, round brown eyes and
an earnest smile. She liked the outdoors, and animals, and liked to wear boots to go
trudging through the marshes looking for frogs.
One time, she and I were at a week-long nature camp with our class, and she was dragging
me through the swamps in our free time to get closer to some geese. She held me by the
856
hand the whole way. It was nice. But when I went back to the camp to eat, I was stopped
by a popular girl I sort of knew.
This popular girl, who was a little older and more developed physically than the rest of
us, led me aside and smacked me in the forehead. What do you think youre doing?
You cant hang out with Nicole! Shes a lesbian! Youre ruining your reputation for some
weird lesbian girl who talks to ducks! Stop holding her hand!
I didnt even really understand lesbianism at the time. I didnt know what to do, but I
was scared that people wouldnt like me. So I found Nicole and interrupted her invitation
to eat dinner with her by saying, Ive heard some things about you and I just dont
think. . . I dont think I can trust you anymore. Or be your friend.
She looked at me for a minute and said, Ok. If you dont think you can be my friend,
you dont have to be. She turned on her heel and ran. I didnt try to stop her. The
popular girl put a hand on my shoulder and said Id done the right thing.
That was the second to last week of sixth grade. I didnt see her the next week. Or ever
again after that. Ever.
What I wish Id understood then was that I liked holding her hand as much as she liked
holding mine. I remember what it felt like. It was soft, cool, long, and milky white. I
liked walking through mud with her and watching the geese and frogs. I liked her boots
and her big hair. I liked her a lot, really.
We were just kids, but if Id known then what I know now about myself, Id have punched
that Sabrina girl square in the face and run back to my girl and asked her to be my first
girlfriend.
Its been twelve years, during which time Ive dated both men and women and mostly
forgiven myself for being a jerk, but I still wish I could tell her Im sorry.
EDIT: Oh my goodness, reddit gold. Means a lot to me as Id assumed this story wouldnt
be read by many, and Im still relatively new around here. Thank you so much for all
your kind words and such. And to clarify, yes, Im a woman.
I was worried that this might be received as super cheesy, and by some it was, and Im
sorry for that. Just kind of how I think. This memory makes me legitimately sad. And I
have tried to find her since, but I cant. And I dont want to bother her, either, after so
long. . . but you know. I wish Id been smarter back then.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/catch22milo
I think most of us can look back to a time when we were children and cringe a little
bit over something we may have done out of peer pressure. Its sad really, the anti peer
pressure sentiment, especially for kids, is as old as the phrase if they were to jump o
as bridge, would you jump to?. Yet children will still go out of their way to conform to
the opinions of their peers, many adults too I guess.
I guess what Im trying to say is, regardless of her personal relationship with the other
girl, whether it was romantic or platonic, shrugging o a friend like that because one of
the popular kids asked you to is an all too familiar scenario in the school system today.
Its a real shame.
857
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/theNYEHHH
858
#201 Obese couples of Reddit, how dicult is intercourse?
NSFW
2013-04-28 14:54:13
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
Im 280lbs with a really small peanut and I cant penetrate my girlfriend who is 330lbs.
When we are intimate it involves her talking nasty to me while I jack o my tiny idiot
dick. I squeeze her tits while I jack o. Sometimes I cum on her but not usually because
we are really lazy and she doesnt want to have to clean it up. We are both going to die
soon. Bye.
/u/SandstoneD
/u/FiRe ClImBeR 19
I laughed but Im super high so yeah Edit* of course my highest voted comment is about
laughing at someones terrible sex life. I love reddit.
/u/Metalheadzaid
/u/OrangePrototype
859
#200 Childless redditors over 55; do you ever regret not
having kids or do you feel like you made the right choice?
2013-04-26 22:01:40
/u/megalynn44
Young people who say they dont want kids are often told they will change their minds
or regret it when theyre old. Im just curious to hear from people who actually did make
that choice.
/u/crawl49
Never wanted kids. Never had kids. Been married 35 years. No regrets.
One thing that is dicult is finding people our age that arent interested in talking about
their kids or grand kids all the damn time.
Edit 1: Just figured out that Self Posts dont count towards your total Karma, but what
the hell I love all the answers. Thanks for all the comments!
/u/ekjohnson9
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Its the only clear choice. You have accessories
(cross=towel) rules, and mythology.
860
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
861
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#197 Have any of you realized that you were the crazy
boy/girlfriend?
2013-04-19 21:15:04
/u/dianeruth
What did you do? What caused your clarity about how nutso you were?
/u/Dialupbrain
When I made a fake Facebook to try to flirt with my girlfriend to see if I could trust
her. . . nothing really caused the clarity, just kind of one of those what the fuck am i
doing? moments.
862
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
863
#195 What is one cool internet trick youve learned?
2013-04-14 23:28:28
/u/zjb55446
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
Keyed someones car. I rear-ended her and she lied to the insurance company about an
injury to get more money and fuck me over. So I keyed her new car. I sometimes feel like
an ass. Other times, nah.
864
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/skorps
Repeated sexual intercourse with super models. CIA this is my biggest weakness. I know
you are listening I would hate this. . .
/u/seamusocoey
865
#192 Reddit, what is the petty thing you do to fuck the
system that may or may not actually have any eect?
2013-04-11 01:44:29
/u/bigbadbutters
/u/ProfLiar
If Im in between court cases, I usually stick around and try to help out the younger
people with any petty legal issues.
Nobody deserves to have a bullshit charge on their record and generally college aged
students dont have the cash to hire a competent attorney.
I dont charge, but I dont consider it pro-bono. I do it just to fuck the police.
Edit: To whoever gave me gold, its very much appreciated. I plan on doing this somewhat
full time when I retire. . . .if that makes sense. (To clarify: Hit the courtroom, then the
golf course.)
Second Edit: Second gold. Very very much appreciated. As Ive tried to reply to a lot of
the comments, I unfortunately cannot reply to everyone. Many comments about my user
name and location. I live and practice in NYC and Im indeed a professional liar. Good
luck to all those dealing with legal issues and fuck the police. . . .
/u/(deleted user)
/u/(deleted user)
866
#191 What would you do for $1 billion, but not for $1
million?
2013-04-06 00:15:14
/u/dvavfevae
/u/MiddleNames Danger
Retire.
edit: dannys a lil bitch
/u/AdvocateForLucifer
867
/u/EarwaxPanties
Attempting to date 3 girls at the same time..who all happen to be best friends.
/u/callan351
Story time.
/u/EarwaxPanties
So as an 18 year old senior in high school, my hormones are raging. I liked to date girls
a little younger than me so I started dating this girl who went to a dierent high school
named Lauren. We dated for a couple weeks and things were going good, but as an 18
year old I didnt want just one vagina to play in. SO, smart me starts talking to one of
her best friends, Meagan. So now I am dating both of them, going to each of their houses
on dierent days and fucking around with them. BUT, I dont stop there. I start talking
to her other best friend Jessica and fucking around with her. I am on cloud 9 at this
point. 3 dierent girls was quite a feat for me. Anyways, so one day Lauren invites me
over, which I happily oblige to. I park my truck and get out and go inside and sitting
on the couch..is all 3 of them. . . staring deep into my soul with ice for eye balls. FUCK.
So I say h-hey yall whats going on?. Which i receive no reply to..just sitting there.
After about a minute of silence which felt like 30 Jessica stands up, followed by Meagan
and then Lauren. And all at once, I shit you not, they just CHARGE at me. Screaming,
slapping, scratching, punching just wailing on me. I say SHIT and run out of the house,
and guess who was waiting for me at my truck? If you guessed Laurens super redneck
walking steroid of a father then you are correct. Just standing, at my truck, smirking.
So. . . .I run..I just run and run and run and have one of my friends pick me up a few miles
away. I went back later in the middle of the night and got my truck.
For the record, I didnt speak to Jessica or Meagan after that. . . BUT, Lauren and I are
now together and have been for 6 years.
P.S. . . we also have a 3 week old daughter.
868
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Apparently not everyone has heard of this, I thought it was a relativly well known
concept/urban legend. It was also in Dave Chapelles great moments in hook up history
/u/Stacyadelaide
When I was much younger, a guy I went on a date with tried this. Only, I didnt know
during the date because I hate popcorn. So he kept trying to get me to eat some and I
kept telling him no.
He got really agitated and told me I was ungrateful for not wanting to eat the popcorn.
He eventually got up during the movie and just left me there.
I found out later from a co-worker that he had taken her out and done the same thing,
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only with positive results since she actually ate popcorn.
If he had just asked me to touch his penis I probably would have. I was kind of slutty
back then. Sheesh.
*added: Since this has come up a lot, this was a decade ago, Im 30 now, and Im married.
*added #2: It has come to my attention that the slutty comment is being taken kind
of literal as the night progressed. No, I wasnt actually slutty. I was just a girl in her
early 20s that liked a guy. If he had just told me he was interested I might have slept
with him. The whole moral of the story is, you dont have to pull stupid tricks to get a
girl to sleep with you.
This was ten years ago. Im sorry I dont have more details, but this is just one of
those bad date stories that I have filed away in my brain that I bring up with friends
sometimes. My first words to my husband last night was I finally had a reason to tell
that penis in the popcorn story today. He thought it was funny the first time I told him
and I hope that it was amusing to others as well. I have a few of these types of stories
because when I was younger I went on more dates. I no longer have to go on bad dates
because Im married now. Happily so.
Hope that cleared up any confusion.
870
/u/HUNG AS FUCK
At this very moment, someone in the world is dying. Someone is being tortured. Someone
else raped. Some people have no idea where there next meal is coming from. Hell, some
havent had a good meal in their whole lives. Someone is giving birth. Someone else is
giving birth. Someone has just died.
Someone just lost a parent? you know how it feels to lose yours? well someone else is
feeling that. If not, imagine. Someones marriage is failing. Someones cheating. The kids
can hear mummy and daddy fighting. They hear daddy hit mummy.
Someones in pain, in hospital. A car accident? more than likely. someone trapped in
the wreck. the mother of a soldier, who has just been informed her son wont be coming
home. killed in action. Or the mother who has just walked in on her son hanging from a
noose from the ceiling? Theres 7 billion people, chances are. . . .
Your worst nightmare is right now, chances are, someone elses reality
/u/mandilew
YOLO.
871
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Seikoholic
That girls were inherently clean, and werent gross at all, ever.
872
#185 If reddit was an acronym (R.E.D.D.I.T.) what would
it stand for?
2013-03-29 23:26:53
/u/One Giant Nostril
/u/Tidurious
Real
Everyday
Dorks
Debating
Internet
Things
EDIT: Mysterious gold-gifter, thank you so much. You made my day. All of you, actually,
have made my day.
/u/gak001
873
#184 What is a human behavior that you find absolutely
disgusting?
2013-03-28 23:21:23
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Val Hallen
/u/(deleted user)
874
#183 [Megapost] What are your best past or future prank
ideas for Aprils Fools ?
2013-03-27 22:04:39
/u/Ooer
Have you been scheming and cultivating a subtle plot for the past few months, or do you
feel a water balloon to the face is the height of prank-ingenuity? Lets fill this thread
with hundreds of dastardly ideas in the run up to April Fools.
To stop the same question being asked repeatedly we will be removing all posts asking
for April Fools ideas whilst this post is active.
This thread will be stickied after a reasonable amount of time to ensure everyone
has a chance of seeing it. If you are a fan of this idea, please let us know over at
/r/ideasforaskreddit.
We may do the same in the future for other popular events throughout the year (Halloween
costume ideas, Christmas present ideas).
/u/Pmonstah4
875
#182 Whats the hardest lesson youve had to learn in
life?
2013-03-27 17:12:48
/u/jw71088
basically im asking: what was the hardest experience you had to go through in order to
learn a specific lesson in life?
EDIT: you guys are coming up with some great statements, but you should also feel free
to elaborate or tell any personal stories that led to those lessons learned!
/u/One10soldier1
And yet. . .
876
/u/Tdaug
Once visited a website created for the sole purpose of buying and selling human beings.
EDIT: Anyone else that sees this, I will provide links but you have to PM me and convince
me youre trustworthy.
EDIT 2: Oh my god. So many PMs :P Please no more, Im linking to some and they can
post if they want.
/u/JayandSilentBob420
Living or dead?
/u/Tdaug
/u/JayandSilentBob420
Crazy. How did you end up there? Did you buy a slave?
/u/Tdaug
I was browsing the deep web for the first time. I was originally looking for guns to buy
online. I clicked some ads, navigated WAY far away from the original search, and saw
many BAD things.
Went from weapons, to drugs, to money laundering, to mail order brides, to slave trade,
to assassins, to child porn. Then I left.
/u/roxyard
877
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Saw this post in r/askmen, but I think there are things everyone does that no-one really
likes to talk about.
/u/james stains
At one stage in a mans life you will dedicate 5 - 20 seconds to trying to suck your own
dick.
878
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#179 What is the most exciting thing that you can truth-
fully say youve touched with your bare hands?
2013-03-21 23:14:03
/u/bedgymnastics
Besides boobs, of course. Unless they were particularly noteworthy boobs. I can let that
slide.
Edit: HEY LOOK I DONT NEED TO POST PICTURES OF MY TITS TO MAKE IT
TO THE FRONT PAGE. It appears that you just need to allude to tits. While Im at
it with the whole advice thing, stay in school, tip your waitress, and dont drink and
drive.
Edit 2: PSA: Penis and vagina are also not original. Its been said already, so if thats
your answer, please either find a post that already says it and upvote it or move on.
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
879
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Sincere condolences.
/u/samtheflan
Area 51
880
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
-REDACTED-
/u/Tm caee
881
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
882
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/DoctahNumbah10
Glue a tiny mirror over the picture of you on your drivers licence. That way, when you
hand it to the ocer, s/hell get confused and arrest themselves instead.
883
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/mrdude12
884
#173 What is the most ecient money saving habit you
have?
2013-03-17 01:15:08
/u/jimmym007
/u/(deleted user)
/u/blindoldgit
I went through a phase when I was 4/5 where whenever my mum took me out anywhere
if we saw old people Id point at them and ask her if they were going to die soon.
885
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Eskibro830
When I was about six years old, my Mom brought home a movie when she got back from
work. When she put the DVD in, it started playing about halfway through the movie.
Upon trying and failing to rewind it, we were at a dilemma. Why was it starting halfway
through? I suggested taking the DVD out and flipping it over. My Mom told me what a
ridiculous Idea that was and how it wouldnt work. I insisted, but she just kept rejecting
my idea. As our family proceeded to not find a solution, I was all the while crying my
eyes out telling them to try my idea. I kept insisting and insisting but they proceeded to
ignore me. After quite literally a half an hour, my Mom finally flips over the DVD and
puts it back in. Sure enough the menu screen of the movie comes up. I told you so.
886
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/redfaceryan93
My friends Dad took me to one side and asked if I would kill their family dog who was
becoming violent for 50. . . I said no and it was never mentioned again
887
#169 What is the ballsiest thing that youve ever done?
2013-03-10 00:16:13
/u/(deleted user)
EDIT: Thanks for the huge response! My balls shrivel in comparison to some of these
stories.
/u/KharlanTree
/u/professor dobedo
As a gay man this is absolutely worth the risk. Worst case scenario youve made a straight
guy/girls day or enraged a bigot.
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
888
/u/arlanTLDR
I read prank as shank at first. I was confused by the damn good job part.
889
I passed the back of the Fierro without hitting it or either of the bodies in the road. I
continued forward a couple hundred feet and slowed down so I could breathe and let my
heart slow down. As I looked up into the rearview mirror I saw that the two bodies had
gotten up to their knees and twenty or so people emerged from the tall grass on either
side of the road by the car and bodies.
At that moment my right foot smashed the gas pedal to the floor and did not let up until
I had to slowdown for the I-40 east onramp.
I will never know what would have happened to me had I gotten out of the car to check
on the bodies or stopped my car closer to them. Somehow I do not think it would have
been good. Sometimes real life can be scarier than a movie.
This has been posted before.
Ive been mulling this over with friends and am interested in Reddits thoughts.
890
/u/caagan
#165 Reddit, what is the worst thing you have ever done
for money?
2013-02-26 23:10:35
/u/(deleted user)
/u/MarkKent360
/u/wherethelightisnt
891
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/skinnyguy34879
/u/Stray629
Ill go ahead and take Iron Man, dont want to hire someone to murder my parents.
892
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#163 What are some things that youre pretty damn sure
everyone does or has done but theyll never admit to doing?
2013-02-25 20:54:27
/u/Sepoohroth
/u/murrymalty
right?
Everyone pees in the shower. Right
Not usually but sometimes when Im pooping in the shower a little pee comes out.
893
#162 If the human race left natural selection do its work
and let those with disabilities/illnesses/injuries pass away
without trying to revive them, where would we be now?
2013-02-24 21:56:12
/u/confusedcuriousity
Assuming that over the years, where people who were born deaf/blind/deformed/mentally
or physically disabled/etc all die o because they are unfit to survive. . . would the human
race be better by now? would it be worse? whats your view on this?
Factors that could help play a part: income(non-genetic), disabilities(could be non-genetic
or genetic). . .
Note: I post this question not because I despise those who cant. I ask wonder about
this because of a recent surgery to fix a problem I was born with which put me in a lesser
position than the majority in the past + biology studies.
/u/oldman78
/u/(deleted user)
A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never
sit in. Greek Proverb.
894
#161 What is your most embarrassing/shameful hook up
story?
2013-02-24 19:11:08
/u/Datbrowncake
/u/May-Ham
Ive never went to bed with an unattractive girl, but Ive woke up with some. That about
sums it up.
/u/BrentMcClowd
Im a Best Buy manager now, so you have to give me the manager discount here. It
took 5 minutes of reassuring her that manager discounts only apply at places where you
work. She thought it was a secret club discount for upper division employees all over the
895
country.
EDIT: update to other posts; i work in a restaurant so it was somewhat extra disconcerting
when she demanded a discount when her job involves a completely dierent field of retail.
/u/MuppetHolocaust
#159 What act of evil did you engage in that was disguised
as an act of kindness?
2013-02-20 22:10:18
/u/TheThreePandas
/u/pogopenis
Had a bully in high school (I had friends, but this one guy fucked with me) ands near the
end of the school year I held a large party and invited my bully as well. The day before I
masturbated several times into an ice tray and watered my sperm down and froze it into
icecubes. I gave my bully topshelf liquor drinks mixed with coke with fresh sperm cubes
every in drink. He never found out, but he was considerably nicer to me after that.
/u/red321red321
TL;DR I oered my bully the opportunity to swallow my cum and he happily obliged.
896
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/johnw1988
/u/Kijafa
897
#157 Whats the craziest thing you ever saw or did at a
party?
2013-02-18 18:24:03
/u/(deleted user)
Edit: Wow front page. Im sure this is what it feels like to get elected president, or
something. Thanks.
/u/slicebishybosh
May not be the craziest thing, but I still thought it was funny. There was this obnoxious,
not so attractive girl who used to love to be slutty and just randomly take her clothes o.
Trust me, it was really annoying. SO one night there was a bonfire in the back yard of
our usual party house. She got tanked, started removing her clothes. She had her pants
and panties around her ankles and was was just bending over in front of people.
And them bam, Sniper on the roof. My friend had a fully automatic airsoft gun and just
started unlaoding into her naked body from the second story window looking over the
back yard. It lasted about 10 seconds. Just short of being considered cruel in my opinion.
Needless to say, she never did it again. . .
/u/JustJelly
898
#156 Waiters/waitresses of Reddit, whats the most ter-
rible date you have waited on/witnessed?
2013-02-15 22:36:42
/u/scottiemsu
Was it a blind date from what you can tell? Did either person ditch early?Any of the
stereotypical Check, please things happen?
EDIT: So Im still really new to Reddit but thanks for making this front page. Yall are
great. Now how do I get my hands on this Reddit Gold and what does it mean?
/u/republicanredditor43
I believe it was a blind date, the girl said she needed to run out to her car to get her
purse. She didnt come back. The poor guy was nearly in tears.
Edit: If it makes you feel any better, the restaurant payed for the meal.
/u/Kvothe24
She left it in her other car, and had to drive to that car to get it. Im sure this is it.
899
#155 Teachers and Professors, what is the most memo-
rable thing youve overheard your students talking about?
2013-02-15 15:59:34
/u/OptimusPrimeBatman
/u/Cw Ew
/u/AngryB3ar
900
#154 Fishermen of Reddit, What is the strangest thing
you have pulled out of the water?
2013-02-14 15:35:31
/u/A Friendly Hobbit
Edit As Valentines Day comes to a close, I must say I am honored to have shared this
day with my fellow Redditors on the front page. Thanks for helping me achieve my first
ever successful post.
/u/mediocre robot
My aunt once caught a small fish. What was strange was HOW she caught it. She reeled
it out of the water with the hook in its anus.
901
/u/another guy montag
/u/Thompson S Sweetback
Theres limitless innocent people who did nothing to deserve the horrible things they
received, but if you take into account the positive impact a person had on all humanity
versus the thanks he got in return, Turings a front runner.
When I was 19, two of my buddies and I planned a trip to go scuba diving in the Bahamas.
One of my buddies just got his pilots license about 6 months earlier. We rented a 4-seater
Cessna and flew over international waters. No backup piloting experience with me or the
other buddy.
Looking back, I cannot freakin believe my parents let me go. And Ill be damned if I
would ever let my kids take a trip like that.
EDIT: Yes, I was an adult at age 19. Maybe my maturity wasnt at that level. I was
in college, and lived under my parents roof, and they paid my expenses. Along with a
vacation or two until I got a real job. If they didnt fund my trip, I wouldnt have gone.
902
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/bootselectric
/u/MrNoodleman
903
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
EDIT: Glad I got so many responses, your stories have all been awesome. Its great to
see the amount of gold everyones getting
/u/dumbname2
Im not a trucker but a trucker did help my family out once, in a huge way.
My father wanted to do a baseball park roadtrip through the middle and eastern states of
the USA. He created a binder full of driving directions, hotel confirmations, ticket stubs,
city attractions and more; his binder was incredibly extensive.
We stopped at a truck stop for food and a bit of rest. While going through the trunk,
we placed the binder on the top of the car because were not putting it on the ground.
Unfortunately, we left it there, closed up the trunk/doors and went on our way forgetting
about the binder on the roof. Fifteen minutes later, my Dad says, Check the binder for
the next exit. I cant find the binder.
We freak out and proceed to take nearly three - four hours tracing our steps, but cannot
find the thing. We then spend the next three hours finding out a way to salvage the
trip (without the binder). All the ticket stubs are confirmed by the ballparks and hotels
confirmed via online.
Little did we know, a trucker spots the binder on the side of the road, pulls over, and
realizes what this is and what it means. He delays his route and calls everywhere looking
for us. After some time, he cant delay any longer but continues to check into each place
904
he called for the next three days attempting to contact us from the road. He left the
binder at the truck stop with the restaurant (only building there, besides a bad motel).
A woman working at the restaurant finally gets a hold of us and has the binder mailed
to our home with a note This seems like its a great trip. Sorry I couldnt get this to
you sooner. from the driver. My Dad laughs forever at this. That driver is forever the
nicest stranger.
TL;DR My family lost a binder containing a baseball park road trip worth thousands of
dollars. Trucker searches for us for over three days, even from the road, attempting to
return it to us. Faith in humanity restored.
EDIT: To add a bit of backstory - At the beginning of the trip (and much earlier) I
never really thought my Dad liked me very much. I was always resistant to whatever he
said and generally a stubborn punk. He cheated on my Mom and I hadnt really ever
forgave him for it, so you could say we had a strained father-son relationship for well over
a decade. When he proposed this trip, I thought it was his way of showing me he cared
more. Now, during the trip, I placed the binder on the roof of the car and left it there.
We drove away and it was techincally my fault for this. When we returned to the rest
stop, he literally wound up and punched me in the chest (he had never hit anyone in the
family before). I broke down at that point. I had, in my head, ruined the best chance I
had at good memories with my Dad. My Dad called my Step-Mom to inform her of the
news (this was before tracing every step for hours) and I was put on the phone. I told her
how I felt of my Dads relationship because thats all that was going through my head,
then my Dad gets back on the phone. As shes explaining what I just told her, I could
see the natural progression of his comprehension of my feelings and the situation as he
slowly met my eyes. He drops the phone and gives me the biggest hug Ive ever received.
We both cry like sobs and get our act together. We figure out this trip and continue on.
Later, we finally get contacted by our trucker friend and the binder is returned. My Dad
finds a picture he took of the binder on the roof. . . but didnt notice to take it o the
roof. He feels like a shit head and apologizes to me for days for hitting me and all that,
blah blah. My Dad and I become wicked close, as Im finally able to forgive him. . . us
finally talking about everything from the past decade, seeing him as a human and my
Dad, again. That trucker bringing the binder back allowed us really to laugh at all of
it. . . seeing as how we were both pretty stupid up to that point. You could say, that
trucker helped repair my awkward and almost broken relationship with my Dad. That is
why I will never forget the nicest stranger ever.
EDIT 2: Im happy to share, considering how much my story seemed to have hit people
in the feels. Thank you all for commenting, sharing some of your stories, and thank
you random Redditor for the Gold. This is my first one! To answer a few questions:
Yes, Im from New England, and my Dad currently lives in upstate New York.
The trucker had a dicult time catching up with us because we were on the move
905
so often. The hotels we stayed at were used for quick rest and a shower. Our idea
was to see cities and ballparks, not sleep. Plus, the hotels werent the nicest, nor
did they have the best concierge services.
I never watched the Goofy Movie, but I can see the resemblance. Ill get working
on my movie rights asap.
#149 Whats the one thing that you have learned to ap-
preciate most as you got older?
2013-02-11 19:43:34
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Hubrishippo
Sleep
/u/KoalaYummies
I dont know who decided naptime is socially unacceptable after age 6, but rediscovering
afternoon snoozes was the most important thing I learned at college. Naps are fucking
magical.
906
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Which films seem to have light-hearted meanings but have some very dark influences
going on?
/u/occasionallyacid
Wall-E. Its an incredibly dystopic outlook on humanity, although it does end well.
/u/AdvocateForLucifer
/u/HomEntertAnment
907
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/joeshmoe16
The time dierence between when Tyrannosaurus and Stegosaurus lived is greater than
the time dierence between Tyrannosaurus and now.
/u/majense77
Are you telling me that The Land Before Time was a lie?!
/u/coral225
/u/Exducer
/u/SoverignPilot
908
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#146 Why are private toilet seats round and public ones
horseshoe shaped?
2013-02-08 23:01:46
/u/raabta01
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/fingerblast3r
909
#145 What is something everyone should do before they
turn 30?
2013-02-07 22:06:56
/u/Darklyte
/u/dlmcleo1
What behavior led you to realize this? How did you find a new friend group?
/u/Monkey socks
When she rolled her eyes every time I spoke and sent texts about me to other housemates
that she mistakenly sent to me. I still have to live with her til may. . .
910
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#143 If your dog or cat could talk for just one day, whats
the first question you would ask it?
2013-02-07 01:12:06
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Drew-
911
#142 What are the best 10 seconds of your day?
2013-02-06 23:22:23
/u/LifelessPoo
/u/adrenaline junkie
When I wake up and my girlfriend is still asleep. I kiss her back and hold her before my
day starts. It always makes me remember how lucky I am and puts me in a good mood.
/u/(deleted user)
Mind-reading technology.
Theyll lock me up for sure.
912
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
913
#139 If you were a serial killer, what would your gimmick
be?
2013-02-02 21:10:22
/u/IamMyBrain
914
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
915
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: Thanks so much for sharing all of your stories. They have been amazing, heart-
warming, funny, scary and everything in between. I cant tell you how awesome my
mailbox is right now getting to go right to the stories. Ive been reading them o and on
for hours now. Youre awesome Reddit.
/u/ghettokhan
Im a medical student and during one of the rotations this one drunk guy was brought in
after he fell on some ice. He thought he was going to die and he kept telling his son that
he sucked a cock once. It was hilarious.
916
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
http://i.imgur.com/g3DvmO2.jpg
917
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
#135 What did you just learn that you should have known
10 years ago?
2013-01-30 23:08:18
/u/FaithNoMoar
/u/FaithNoMoar
My buddy (in his 30s) just learned what a conjugal visit is after telling his mother they
should have one.
918
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
A conjugal visit.
#134 What basic skill did you learn too late in life?
2013-01-28 17:06:35
/u/pour7me7another
/u/CranberryNapalm
/u/mydogjustdied
919
/u/bootselectric
edit: this is going to take me forever and nine days to go through, didnt think this would
get so popular so quick, But I promise, I will go through and read everyone, thanks for
all the laughs :P
edit someone has created a subreddit: Continue there! /r/childtheories
/u/spurnd
That parents have an unlimited supply of money, but they wont share it with you to buy
toys and stu
920
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
It pains to me admit,
I am curious how does the KFC something guy know that KFC is being mentioned or
how does the WildSketch guy know hes being summoned?
Do you guys set up google alerts or vigorously search for particular mentions or is mostly
accidental that you stumble upon a thread/comment that requires your participation?
Thanks in advance,
A guy waiting for somebody from Toronto complaining about his IT guy ;)
/u/GallonOfLube
The real trick is picking a novelty account that can slide right in to any situation, no
matter how slippery it is.
921
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Watching Stephen Frys interview about his Bipolar Disorder he describes the feelings as
like a storm. When theres a storm out you cant go out, you cant pretend its sunny
and you cant pretend that you can carry on as normal. You have to accept that there
IS a storm. But like a storm, it passes.
922
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/FreeSoloing
923
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Danielziege
its size
/u/NachoAverageChip
Whats more fascinating, given that knowledge, I still feel important in some way.
924
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I may be insignificant. . .
/u/MONKEY RAPIST
925
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Icerobin
All the scars on my arms make me look like a cutter. In reality, I just have cats that cant
tell the dierence between playing and fighting.
926
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/phdoofus
Dinosaurs + meteor.
927
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/CloneSix
8:30pm is when my cat gets wet food. He has to for health reasons get wet food once
a day. Obviously he fucking loves it, so he likes to start at 7:00pm and do a constant
stream of meows until 8:30.
Once I fed him at 7 to try and quiet him up but the next day he began meowing at around
6.
928
/u/xSGAx
. . . aaand this is why Ill never own a cat (this, and allergies)
I dont give a shit, bring my downvotes
If people realise,
Bastards in disguise.
/u/Smoothesuede
Roswell/Area 51.
/u/Spermburger
929
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
930
/u/(deleted user)
The key is to start masturbating furiously so she knows you might be interested.
I fapped furiously.
/u/(deleted user)
My mom is currently a flight attendant. Shes told me some really crazy stories over the
years. These are my favorite:
Once, a man walked onto her flight with a gigantic teddy bear. He had apparently bought
a ticket just so the teddy bear could sit next to him. He buckled the teddy bear in, but
down the bears tray table, and then ordered the teddy a beer.
Another time, a guy on her flight got a bloody nose and was using a tampon to plug it
up. EDIT: Im sorry. I didnt know this was a legitimate technique.
931
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
/u/(deleted user)
[deleted]
932
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
An elegant reply;
/u/LeWhisp
/u/(deleted user)
933
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/Phase Spaced
Dude, sucking at something is the 1st step towards being sorta good a something - Jake
the Dog, Adventure Time
934
#118 What is one thing you wish you knew about sex
before having it for the first time? (Possibly NSFW)
2013-01-09 13:10:28
/u/Ko0Ko0
/u/Glutenfreebacon
I waited patiently.
935
#117 Parents, can you tell if your child is ugly? If so, how
did you deal with it?
2013-01-06 11:49:21
/u/EmotionalMillionaire
/u/the ghost in me
936
#116 Celebrity Stunt Doubles
2013-01-04 23:11:59
/u/aorlandu
[Link]
/u/GratuitousLatin
/u/holyerthanthou
/u/(deleted user)
Maybe they couldnt use Radclie because it was too late or some child labor issue.
/u/raging mad
937
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/npoetsch
OK, why did you marry a woman who you are afraid to tell to take a shower? Im getting
married and we both tell each other if we are stinky casually. Its not that big of a deal. I
really cant fathom why people struggle telling their SO something when youre supposed
to be comfortable spending the rest of your life with this person. Learn to communicate
and just tell her to take a shower.
Its amazing how many AskReddit questions can be solved just by communicating with
the other person.
938
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/Lard Baron
My dog story:
My father lived alone, So for one Christmas I decided to buy him a little dog, something
to look after and to love, take for walks and get a bit of exercise.
939
I got a shih tzu, they are good companion dogs and it was the only suitable breed the pet
shop had. Before Christmas I toilet trained the little thing, first getting him to do his
biz on newspapers then moving the papers to the door then outside. He got the message
eventually. When he had an accident hed hide under the bed in shame and have to be
coaxed out.
He was the perfect gift, my dad wasnt parted from the dog till his death, 14 years later.
I inherited the now elderly dog.
I was a bit resentful, I had a young family and enough problems, but the little dog got
under my skin and became my favourite member of the house. Always pleased to see me,
jumping up and running in circles when I walked in the door from work, always happy.
As he aged he wouldnt be able to rush up to greet me, and had to be carried up and
down the stairs, all he could do is push his head into me. the last night he lost the use of
his back legs. It was time to let him go. I let him sleep on the bed with me that night.
next morning I couldnt find him. What broke my heart is hed dragged himself o the
bed in the night to do his biz on a old newspaper Id casually discarded on the floor, but
didnt quite make it and left a puddle. . . then just like all those years ago, he crawled
under the bed in shame and there he died.
If only Id woken up and told him not to worry.
A pic of him on his last day.
/u/akamustacherides
940
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Another family.
#113 What live animal would make the best melee weapon?
2013-01-03 16:25:21
/u/(deleted user)
To clarify a few points: 1) This has nothing to do with the deadliness of the animal
itself, but rather its potential to be picked up and weaponized by a human. So while,
say, a bear might triumph in natures arena, its far too large and unwieldy for human
use. 2) The question is regarding animals which are alive more so than living, and
Im going to assume were all capable of time-travel, so extinct things (shoutout to mah
boy Lonely George) are perfectly fair game, if youre dumb enough to think things like
dodos or pterydactyls would make eective combat tools. 3) This applies strictly in a
melee weapon sense, so while you may think that unleashing a swarm of killer bees is a
great answer, truth is youre just being a smartass. However, if you want to stab someone
with a killer bee, thats your prerogative; please take it to the comments. 4) The animals
941
in question are awake and aware theyre being used to bludgeon/whip/bash/whatever
your opponent and will respond accordingly, so while you may initially think that your
toucan nunchucks are a good idea, think of how a toucan would react to being strung
together with another toucan and swung at an enemys face. 5) Two or more animals
may absolutely be used in conjunction.
My initial inclination would be that the most pragmatic would be some kind of garden
snake garrote, but I dont think it would be nearly as much fun as wildly swinging a
flamingo club while wielding a snapping turtle shield.
Oh yeah, and PLEASE JUSTIFY YOUR ANSWERS.
/u/ecclectic
A myotonic goat.
Theyre not that large, they have small horns, and when stressed their muscles seize up,
so you wouldnt have to worry about how theyll react.
/u/sylvastarr
942
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Number (1)
To satisfy demands -
By Edward Scissorhands.
[Link]
/u/Capitan Amazing
There are so many things wrong with this that I have to assume that this was a joke.
/u/InaccurateStatistics
943
/u/Sabrewolf
Thanks Obama
/u/ChewableTitanium
Rejecting the hottest girl in my class. If only my balls had dropped sooner.
944
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
945
/u/JPLV
[Link]
/u/3aTroop
This should become popular, then there could be a subreddit called /r/WhoWoreItBetter
.
/u/burningshadowsx
Theme song:
946
#108 Last chemotherapy today. Posting while Im still
here, and that smile hasnt left my face. Beyond happy.
2012-12-31 18:57:38
/u/vertecadence
[Link]
/u/cheddarben
God dammit. . . . kick that mother fucking cancer right in the cancer ball sack!
947
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
We, the AskReddit moderators, would like to wish you all a happy Christmas (or what-
ever midwinter festival youre celebrating, or happy December if youre not celebrating
anything)!
AskReddit is a huge and brilliant subreddit and it wouldnt be the same without you.
Thank you for making it what it is, and we hope your holidays are lovely.
The AskReddit Mod Team
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
/u/Hoger
> P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. Think we care?
Seriously - thanks for the hard work. Its a great subreddit. Merry Christmas all.
948
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
We, the AskReddit moderators, would like to wish you all a happy Christmas (or what-
ever midwinter festival youre celebrating, or happy December if youre not celebrating
anything)!
AskReddit is a huge and brilliant subreddit and it wouldnt be the same without you.
Thank you for making it what it is, and we hope your holidays are lovely.
The AskReddit Mod Team
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
/u/Hoger
> P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. We dont care.
P.S. We know this post breaks the rules. Think we care?
Seriously - thanks for the hard work. Its a great subreddit. Merry Christmas all.
950
For they heard Reddits call.
And the gamers of Reddit,
Each with their PCs,
Playstations, X-boxes,
Nintendo Wiis;
They dreamt of their presents,
So patiently;
The best Gaben oered,
(Except Half-Life 3).
And our stoners all slept,
And thought, happily,
Of the first merry sight,
Of the days Christmas tree.
And there! O.A.G,
With that smile slowly forming;
Her gift chloroformed,
And wrapped up for morning.
And so, every redditor,
Home and away,
In their sleep, sighed a sigh,
At the bells on a sleigh.
So my message to you,
And to yours from this site;
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all, a good night!
/u/BeastMcBeastly
[Link]
951
/u/(deleted user)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0Z5zebyVrI
I love you guys/girls/whatever. Thanks for the sibling wrestling, the jolly ranchers, and
POLITE ALL CAPS GUY. I will miss seeing pictures of your cat, your karma whoring,
your fucked up injuries, and your terrible forced memes.
Now, if youll excuse me, Im finally going to go outside.
#104 The woman who lives here is almost 100 years old.
2012-12-17 19:22:10
952
/u/ockerus
[Link]
/u/brezzz
I would take these threats seriously. She did not live to be 100 by being extraordinarily
weak.
953
#103 Whats the one lie youve told most often in your
life?
2012-12-14 00:49:33
/u/dingobiscuits
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
having your dog die is way worse than losing your bitch
954
/u/Viviparous
/u/BCtoPEI
Carry in ALL the grocery bags. God be damned if I lose a finger due to no circulation.
/u/oogew
Everything in one go is a god damn religious mantra for me. My wife doesnt feel the
same way.
955
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Your buddy has been calling himself a Mad Scientist for about a month now. Finally,
he invites you over to see what he has been building. It is a device that allows you to
observe, but not influence, any time in history.
These are the rules for the device: - It can only work for about an hour once per week. -
It can fast forward or rewind. - It can be locked on a location or it can zoom in and
follow an individual.
So, what would you observe, given the chance?
edit Fixed Typo*
/u/bubbleuj
956
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
A moment, unsurpassed:
A terrifying height;
[Link]
957
/u/blakphyre
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JY4Iz0w42qU
/u/BrodyApproves
[Link]
/u/thetom1337
958
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
In mode incognito.
/u/lethargicwalrus
This one time . . . I responded to a casual encounter ad on craigslist, and the person
didnt show up.
959
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Now, guys, I get where youre coming from! I think curvy is sexier too! But when trying
to pick up a girl, DO NOT mention her weight!!
To reitterate, I understand the sentiment and agree. But its the WAY its said and the
situation (pick up line vs. a significant other).
EDIT: TIL: If you call someone out for acting like an ass, they defend themselves by
calling you fat, insecure and too easily oended. Bottom line, guys (and girls) be nice
and not degrading. :-)
/u/cynikalAhole99
Did it occur to you that he may not be referencing your size for dating purposes - but
the fact that perhaps he really intends to BBQ and eat you?
960
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/Rlphyg
Abandon hope all ye who enter here, for there is not a good comment in sight.
You have been warned.
Edit: Jaysus youre all lovely people, and to the reddit gold people,
961
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
We were both fortunate to both have jobs throughout the recession, even getting better
jobs twice. We havent taken many vacations, we dont live in luxury, and both our cars
have over 100,000 miles, but we are finally free of credit card debt less than 6 months
before our first child is born.
/u/Monsterposter
I didnt commit suicide a few days ago, that was fucking dicult.
962
Survey this sunken land.
But no.
I am not done here yet.
I raise my head, and blaze.
Life retreats away from me;
It trembles at my gaze.
963
Life may try to break me;
To bend at its command;
But I am made to live and last,
And to the night, withstand.
I hope the will to keep going lasts and lasts. All the best.
Used to babysit a friends kid who would watch the hell out of these shows. But every
single episode seems to end up with a train just going o the tracks and fucking up the
delivery. Its a wonder that anything gets done on the Island of Sodor and the only ones
probably making any money is the clean up services.
/u/gangnam style
964
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Edit: yes, this was indeed sponsored by PETA (Pokemon for Emancipation
in Total for All). A worthy, though fictional, cause.
965
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/Spikan
In my version of this, the girl would just say no, and then Id slink away.
966
Id crack a joke and make her laugh;
In Paris, Id propose.
Crippling anxiety.
I totally get why she did it though; new book smell is awesome.
EDIT: Seriously, stop posting this isnt weird, s OP. I do not think its weird, but in
the traditional social norm, that kind of action would be considered weird. I too embrace
967
weirdness at every opportunity, as I see no reason to be like every other suit-and-tie-
wearing drone that passes me on the street or comes into the shop I work at. If you cant
be just a little weird every day, then youve already given up.
/u/JamesGray
Old book smell is even better. The way certain compounds used in the production of
books degrade actually mean it has a sort of character unique to the age and production
methods of each specific book.
968
#89 I am depressed and I cant remember the last time
I had a good day. Today, though, it seemed like everything
fell into place. It was awesome and I feel amazing :) Reddit,
what was the best day in your life?
2012-11-22 17:39:39
/u/Lube For Lunch
School was actually nice for the first time, the weather was great, I played with a puppy,
smoked the best cigarette ever, the sun was low but bright, I could see the moon in the
sky and I happened to run into my ex girlfriend, which doesnt really seem like a positive
thing though, but we had a good talk and I was happy to see her again. I dont know..
everything together was great :)
Edit: I really want to thank everyone for their stories. Its nice to remember the happy
times in our lives and read about the best moments in someone elses.
Edit 2: Self post. No karma. I aint even mad.
/u/(deleted user)
Log this day down, take a couple of pictures of the things that make you happy and
squirrel them away to bring out on the dark days
969
#88 Ive never sang in the shower using a shampoo bottle
as a microphone. Reddit, what are some things that are
common in most movies/TV that youve never done?
2012-11-20 21:34:00
/u/(deleted user)
/u/orangesundae
After hearing something banging from the basement, I dont go and investigate.
So do I? Do I fuck.
#87 Sooo...
2012-11-20 15:48:07
970
/u/i am sad
[Link]
/u/darkknightlives
http://i.imgur.com/xQkIA.png
971
#86 You can bring back any actor/musician who died
young. Who do you pick, and why?
2012-11-19 22:52:34
/u/Luscious MachineGun
Ill start. Hendrix. And John Bonham, so that Led Zeppelin could have continued on in
their amazing-ness.
Freddie Mercury.
To sing a rhapsody.
972
#85 Years ago I went to the movies on a blind date, during
which I summoned the courage to go in for a kiss. At first it
was great, but then she threw up in my mouth and all over
me. I hadnt seen or spoken to her since, until today when
she was my waitress. So Reddit, any recent awkwardness
to report?
2012-11-19 00:15:13
/u/(deleted user)
/u/dingobiscuits
I hope you said: well, that was definitely better than the last meal you served me. . .
[Link]
973
/u/Blahblahing
/u/(deleted user)
/u/easy explanation
Marijuana.
As well as THC.
974
#83 McKayla Maroney visits the White House... her
picture with the President
2012-11-17 14:51:55
/u/dwerb99
[Link]
/u/Blahblahing
As President Obama.
#82 If you were the last person on Earth, what would you
do and why?
2012-11-17 14:27:40
/u/cool boy
975
/u/KamelReds
No loathed responsibilities;
976
/u/(deleted user)
As Im an only child.
Upvote what you have done to see who is the grand winner of not havering life experiences.
Edit: you fuckers are exploding my inbox. Thanks !
Edit2: wow front page( I have to put that bullshit right?)
Edit 3: Ive been playing and upvoteing accordingly every comment and:
TIL reddit hasnt watched a lot of starwars/ Harry potter/ classic movies, had sex, been
to Boston in the fall or seen the ocean or had mc dees, drunk soda or died
/u/(deleted user)
/u/LoverOfBacon
977
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
For me, its hacking. I dont even mind the criminals hacking into the pentagon to
turn on Obamas garden sprinklers if that adds to the story (even though unrealistic).
However, they always have these matrix like visualisations of text and images all over the
screen that change to quick to be seen.
Hell, drawing images to the computer screen takes computing time. Precious computing
time that could be used on cracking that secret password a little quicker! The worst is if
they do some image database search (like comparing finger prints). There is absolutely
no good reason to actually show the image they are comparing this millisecond to the
user, and there are very good reasons not too >.<. No self-respecting programmer would
waste precious computing time on showing something to the user too quick for the user
to see. Let alone those uber-whizz-kid-leet-hackers that they always seem to be in the
movies.
TL;DR: please just show a progress bar instead of flashing text and images when visual-
ising hackers.
978
/u/Searingm1
On ancient Dagobah.
for me its being extra horny in the morning when you wake up and have to pee. im sure
its happen to you all at least once.
/u/ChalkedUp
Smelled and or tasted whats going on down there once Im turned on.
I would never ask a person to pleasure me if it was terribly gross-but, I rather like the
way I taste. Im sweet.
Edit: Mebif= me if
979
/u/Creepy PM
Sent.
for me its being extra horny in the morning when you wake up and have to pee. im sure
its happen to you all at least once.
/u/OnceYouGoJack
reject me :(
980
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Confidence is key,
In oh so many ways.
[Link]
/u/drewtoothpaste
981
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Whenever I work-out or sweat my balls start to smell really bad, is there anything that
I can do besides not working out to fix this?
/u/ForgotMyPasswordDude
Shower regularly?
982
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
To confidence empower;
/u/(deleted user)
Yep.
I saw the list and hoped for names,
To charm the little mister.
But no; it wasnt meant to be -
The first one said: your sister.
983
/u/Mr Skeleton
/u/Mr Skeleton
/u/(deleted user)
984
/u/Poem for your sprog
Yep.
I saw the list and hoped for names,
To charm the little mister.
But no; it wasnt meant to be -
The first one said: your sister.
/u/Mr Skeleton
/u/(deleted user)
985
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Yep.
Me and my two brothers, one was a half brother, were very repressed as children. We
could do anything we wanted but with an abusive mom we dared not to do anything.
We played a game of heroes were we were each a hero with a base element as a power;
fire, water/ice, and electricity. With a virginities intact we played it well through to the
age of my 17th birthday (I am the youngest). As it progressed, and through excessive
amounts of cartoons, our powers became multiple and more complex; control of metal,
summoning of spirits, transformation, etc. We dubbed this game powers.
All through these years, from about 9-17 for me, we were bounced around foster houses
and boys homes due to the child protection system and lack of supportive foster parents
in Detroit, Michigan. Now, as a 20 year old college student, I write stories about our
adventures into our imagination as powers children.
TL;DR: I acted like a super here for 50% of my life already.
986
Whos castle is a clock;
987
And battles fought in rain;
[Link]
/u/not a Habsburg
>We have only discovered the tip of the iceberg, a mere 10% of the site, says French
specialist Philippe Marquis, who believes this could easily be a thirty-year excavation
project. . . .
>The site is known to contain coins, glass and tools for making these, going back thou-
sands of years. Archaeologists have also unearthed manuscripts in scroll form that may
provide evidence of the presence of Alexander the Greats troops.
Im going to have a little cry now.
988
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
/u/(deleted user)
My porn, my condom stash, and worst of all. . . my My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
videos.
989
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Of middle-aged housewives.
[Link]
/u/LainaOAG
I made the mistake of taking some of your negative comments on posts about me to heart.
I should have just ignored them - its not always that easy, though.
Sorry for such an immature reaction. I love Reddit. You guys helped so much with my
Dare to Share video (and obviously the original video). You are all awesome and Im glad
I discovered Reddit. Even though it is far, far too addicting. . .
/u/theriv
990
/u/WazWaz
/u/aryon984
991
/u/Syncharmony
You can sing this while you do it (to the tune of Marry You by Bruno Mars):
992
Then well drive out to the lake,
And Ill make sure youre awake,
When I cut,
Sip up that glut,
Of your blood, girl.
And youll kick me in my shin,
Slip your ropes and then begin,
To run away,
But not today,
Out of luck, girl.
(Fade)
Someone made the subreddit r/pettyrevenge for me recently so tell me your stories of
passive aggression, pranks, and all around pettiness.
/u/WIENER POOP
My brother pissed me o when we were kids so I urinated into the toilet and stuck his
toothbrush in there.
993
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/Stubbo
>Actually, this is not a cats murder pose. Instead, the cat just wanted to play with the
baby, as it would play with a wool ball, another cat or a dead mouse. Youll note that
if a cat poses like this and actually strikes, you often not feel the nails or only get slight
scratches from them, as the cat will not close its paw upon hitting you. Alhough if you
react to its play in an agressive manner, that will change. Seeing as how the baby is in
no way aggressive or threatening, the cat chose to snuggle instead.
>Source: I have 2 cats. I know, Im so special!
Hell if you are going to copy a previous post them im copying a previous top comment!
994
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/scarface910
995
/u/MinisterOfTheDog
How poetic.
Id cum instantly.
/u/BananaButtCheeks
On Winter break from college one of my friends had a huge party while his parents were
out of town. Almost everyone was out back in their dope ass backyard. I get wasted and
head inside with a girl to hook up. Check a bathroom, find my best friend with a chick
leaned over with both hands on the counter as he goes to town. I tell him sweet dick
and we high five.
I move into the master bathroom and see two of my friends on each end of a big tub.
996
Weird. As I walk by I notice a girl inside the tub on all fours with a dick in each end of
her. I ask if theres room for one more. They dont respond. Too focused.
Eventually find my way to a baller bedroom. Throw chick on the bed and try to lay down
some dope foreplay. I get to work. My tongue is like the tail of a rattlesnake and Im
lighting this girl UP. Shes ready to fuck. We start going at it and moving around when
I hear a weird noise that sounds like something motorized. Im thinking damn she had
to pull out a vibrator? Way to go, puny dick. I start thrusting harder. Man vs. machine
type of vie now. Then I hear loud cheers and clapping. I look up and the fuckers parents
have remote controlled curtains which are opening to a backyard full of people.
I roll o of her quickly and pull the covers over both of us. Everyone had heard the ruckus
and gathered by the window. The girl says just keep fucking me Damn whered I find
this hoe? I slide back in and go to town. I am showered with cheers and applause and
I definitely saw a bunch of cell phones. Luckily I was drunk and began showboating by
gesturing to the crowd to make some noise and even hit them with the Hulk Hogan hand
to the ear. I am definitely somewhere on the internet having sex but I havent found the
video yet. But when I do, Ima jerk to that.
#62 Reddit, what freaks you out when you think too much
about it?
2012-10-28 08:43:44
/u/(deleted user)
Sometimes I freak myself out thinking of all the ways I could have died during the course
of the day. A jerk of the steering wheel could have sent me flying into oncoming trac.
Or I could have tripped while carrying a knife and stabbed myself in the neck. Anyone
else do this?
997
/u/LucasSatie
Im a little freaked out by what will happen to me when I die. Especially as a non-religious
person.
Something of my core;
998
#61 TIL Coolio wrote a book called Cookin With Coo-
lio including the chapters SaladEatin Bitches, Appetiz-
ers for That Ass, and Its Hard Out Here for a Shrimp.
2012-10-19 10:29:24
/u/gripleg
[Link]
/u/Purdaddy
/u/gripleg
Yep! This was the best thing I learned during that 1/2 hour.
Edit: continued.
999
Too much cooking-programmes-watching got me chasing dreams.
1000
#60 SCIENCE!
2012-10-17 16:18:30
/u/tatikios
[Link]
/u/tatikios
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2218832/Richard-Lee-Norris-face-transplant-
Gun-accident-victim-given-amazing-operation-US-doctors.html
/u/gophercuresself
Could you please write a nice poem about why you shouldnt link to the daily mail?
Someone can then make it into a song and then someone else will animate it and then
therell be a handy link to post under any link to the daily mail as a cheery reminder.
Soon trac to that shitmire of a place will stutter and stop and youll be instrumental in
bringing down the largest news website in all web land. Probably.
1001
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1002
#59 SCIENCE!
2012-10-17 15:03:22
/u/tatikios
[Link]
/u/tatikios
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2218832/Richard-Lee-Norris-face-transplant-
Gun-accident-victim-given-amazing-operation-US-doctors.html
Extinguished in a moment,
1003
#58 What is your best piece of life advice?
2012-10-17 13:56:03
/u/TheSilentObserver
Personally, I think anyone looks good in a collared shirt so Ill wear a collared shirt if Im
feeling shit.
/u/shakerattlenrollitup
If youre stuck on a dicult decision, and you have time, rub one out. Youre never as
level-headed as you are post-fap. I call it clarity-cumming.
/u/(deleted user)
A fap-inspired serenity.
1004
#57 What do you need to get o your chest, Reddit?
2012-10-16 16:51:32
/u/allthefoxes
Something been bugging you? Did something that you want to talk about? Anything at
all
edit: Hey reddit, great stu! I made this post in the thought that everyone has something
on thier mind that they just need to talk about. Remember, there are people out there
who will listen. I wish everyone in this thread the best of luck with any problems they
face. If any of you need to vent more, I am always open to being PMd. Many here on
reddit will be there to listen as well.
edit 2: Apparently, there is a /r/omychest . Consider there as well!
/u/(deleted user)
I hate that it wont matter what I write down here, because there is are more than a 100
comments. So no one will read it.
Edit: typo thanks AvoidingWorkAtSchool
#56 Guys what is the last thing that you cried about?
2012-10-13 00:02:01
/u/AllisonChains90
1005
/u/Scootaloob
i cried yesterday when i was planing my wedding and realized my father wont be there
because he is dead and my mother will be there but she has alzheimers and wont remember
it
When I was nine I had a huge collection of Legos, from Indiana jones to Star Wars. One
day I had my Lego spaceship armada amassed on my bedroom floor, when my mother
entered suddenly and purposefully crushed my creations under her feet telling me to
grow up. That day my childhood ended. Never to return. What moment brought
other redditors childhoods to an end? (Edit) you guys make me look like a pussy. Now
I appreciate my childhood more (Edit) your stories have ocially ended any hope of
regaining childhood. Ive experienced pain, but not on the levels of most of you. As I am
not religious i cannot pray for you, so instead i would like to oer my respect. You will
always have it. Ive learned many lessons today on this thread alone. Thank you
1006
/u/southpaw19711
Yep.
Or possibly a story,
Of an unintended plight;
I walked in on my parents,
1007
/u/chimpsky
Anal fisting
As anal-seeking fist.
[Link]
1008
/u/space sound
/u/Ijustdoeyes
Yup, the kid and the old man are both dead in this photo.
Its a Victorian thing post-mortem photography that came about mostly because of the
cost and rarity of photography.
Basically its a last and sometimes the only opportunity to have a photo of your loved
ones and so they took that opportunity, there was an entire industry around it.
Its an odd concept today but remember that back then, it wasnt uncommon to be born,
grow up and die in the same house with loved ones bathing and dressing the body before
burial.
If youre interested theres clips on youtube
/u/(deleted user)
1009
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
2.
/u/KarlSchmidt
/u/(deleted user)
1010
I have been sleeping with dierent women for a while now and she hasnt found any
hard evidence yet. One time, she found texts in my phone and broke down crying, but I
apologized and told her nothing happened.
I know its bad, but I feel like its alright as long as she is happy. I hope one day I can
just be happy with her again.
If she can just lose the weight, and maybe get a little plastic surgery, Im sure i could be
with her for the rest of my life.
TLDR: My wife got fat. I dont like it
Edit: Been getting a lot of PMs asking for a pic. Here it is
1011
#51 Assisted Suicide - Your thoughts?
2012-10-09 00:29:02
/u/Hulemann
I had a talk with my mother about death in the family and she said that she had hopped
that her mother(My grandmother) had the option to do Assisted Suicide. She had Mul-
tipel sclerose, And my hole life i only knew my grandmother to be in the bed or the
hospital. I live in Denmark, Where the talk about Assisted Suicide has waved back and
forth. And its probably going to come within the next 10-15 years.
Heres a video with a French women who does Assisted Suicide. Just to show how it
works there.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=748 1349359143
Your thoughts on assisted suicide.
1012
#50 I just overheard my Girlfriend say Hes kinda ugly
I know I can do way better while joking around with her
friends. What soul crushing things have you been told or
heard about yourself ?
2012-10-05 00:16:52
/u/(deleted user)
/u/ThugAimer
Even if it was just a dentist appointment, if it was directed to me I always got over
excited.
What small things excited you as a child and made you feel all grown up?
[Edit] Ive just came downstairs and found a picture of me when I was 8 years old in
school with another one of my classmates. Its captioned Year 4/5 School Councillors
That also made me feel like a big girl.
Also, thanks for the amazing response, its been great reading all your stories.
Edit again: Ive posted a new question, this time reversed. What do
1013
you do as an adult which makes you feel like a child again? Link:
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/10zk8w/response to my earlier question what do you do as/
So, instead of what made you feel older as a child. What makes you feel like a kid again?
/u/Kijafa
#48 Its National Poetry Day today! What can you come
up with? (on any theme...)
2012-10-04 10:37:06
/u/Poem for your sprog
1014
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1015
#47 Reddit...can you help me make a miracle happen? I
want to help my father.
2012-10-04 00:50:35
/u/QueenJC
Dad,
1016
#46 There arent enough vampire hedgehogs on Reddit...
2012-10-02 21:54:18
/u/nathanfillionisagod
[Link]
/u/djbriandamage
/u/(deleted user)
Did you hear that? I whispered to Sally. Yes She replied shakily.
We both strained forward hoping to not hear what our minds knew we would hear. I
glanced at her and saw that she was shaking a little, I reached out to reassure her and she
cringed away from me then relaxed. Cmon, lets get going I said in my best reassuring
voice. She glanced around and nodded. We began walking, slowly and cautiosly at first,
but then with a reckless abandon we hurled ourselves into the night. Thoughts of Billy
and Sue flew to our minds. They had been discovered out in these same woods a few
months ago. Their deaths had never been explained, but those who had found the bodies
said that it was clear that they had died of terror. The coroner had said that it seemed
that a bacteria had infected them, something unheard of had caused all the blood to
disappear from their veins. These thoughts fed our bodies, kept our hearts pounding out
1017
that delicious, sweet blood. Kept out lungs sucking our last real breaths of air. I had just
passed Sally to jump over a bush when I heard a terrible scream, I did not look back, I
kept running, I knew for certain that Sally was dead but I had no idea what had killed
her, and I did not want to know. Then I felt it, right on the back of my neck there was a
soft feeling like a rat had landed on me, I tried to wack it o in panic and I tripped. As
I fell I realized my hand felt as if it was full of needles, I looked down and there looking
up at me was the cutest little guy you have ever seen. I dont understand why Sally
screamed, then he bit me.
I screamed.
TL;DR:
[Link]
/u/djbriandamage
1018
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/ShatteredRationale
1019
Through the silent city street.
Surviving on a rhyme.
I fashion a salute.
[Link]
/u/Spudnuticus
1020
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
He threw up on my face.
#42 Have you ever stared at your balls for a good while?
Have you ever noticed them moving? Everyone knows about
shrinkage and dropping due to temperature, but if you stare
at your balls, youll notice them constantly moving... like
theyre breathing.
2012-09-28 13:25:02
/u/NutSackAficionado
I wonder if you can control this ability and keep your nuts up close for a day before sex
so that all the sperm that come out are dead.
1021
Than mankinds closest buddy.
1022
#41 I found porn on my sons internet broswer. Did I go
about his correctly?
2012-09-24 23:32:53
/u/(deleted user)
My son got that MoneyPak/FBI scamware on his computer the day before yesterday and
couldnt get it o so he asked me for help. I removed it but when I was looking at his
history in Google Chrome to see what had caused it there wasnt any sites there that
werent safe. I checked Internet Explorer just in case and there it was. Tons of porn.
I wrote this in Word and left it on his computer for him to see when he gets home. He
get embarrassed super easily so I dont wanna make it too hard on him. I typed this up
and left it on his computer. He wont be home for another 3.5 hours. Is this the right
thing to do or what?
I want to start out by saying that I love ya and Im not trying to embarrass you. Before
you do anything else click the star in the upper right hand corner of internet explorer
which is already pulled up and then click back on the icon to the right of the skype symbol
in your toolbar to pull this page back up. > That history
is the reason that you got that scamware and all the other crap on your computer. I
want to tell you that its ok. Listen, I was 13 once too and it wasnt so long ago that I
dont remember. Im not mad or anything. Its life and I did it too. I just want you to
know that most of those sites are places that can and will ruin your computer. You were
actually lucky that it only did what it did. There are viruses and other scamware that
can completly ruin a computer and I cant aord to buy you another 1800 dollar machine
because you went to a site that fried it.
There are sites that are completely safe and you can go on them and not have your
computer turned into a piece of junk. You can go to these sites and not screw up your
computer. Dont click on any links taking you to other sites and please only go to these.
Ninty percent of porn sites have crap that can brick a computer.
www.pornmd.com www.pornhub.com www.xvideos.com www.xhamster.com
www.beeg.com
Listen, I wont tell your mom and Im not gonna make a big deal out of this. In fact Im
not gonna make any size deal out of it. If you dont wanna talk about it thats fine and
I completely understand. Ive been on this earth three times as long as you and theres
nothing you have done or will do that I havent done before. If you want to completely
ignore this ever happened then I can and will do that too. Please dont act awkward
around me because of this. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I just cant have
an 1800 dollar machine turned into a brick because you havent learned where to go on
the internet. Im not going to put a child lock on your computer or punish you in any
way because as I said you did nothing wrong. I would like you to not be back here so
much though. You literally spend all of your time back here. Id like to see you more
often. I like doing stu with you and miss it.
I love you and I couldnt be more proud of you.
Should I just approach him with it or is this the right thing to do.
UPDATE: After he went in his room he came right out and talked to me. Although it
didnt last for more than five minutes I think it was productive. He thanked me for not
getting mad or telling mom. I also talked to him about porn not being like real life and
1023
that women arent objects like they are portrayed in porn. I gave him the option to ask
questions but he said he didnt have any right now. I hope he does later. It went really
well.
UPDATE: Seems some people havent seen the comments. I shortened this up substan-
tially prior to him seeing it and took some of the preachiness away. I also took away the
part about it bricking his computer which I knew wasnt true but I was trying to scare
him into not going to dodgy sites again.
UPDATE: Holy shit. My first front page post is about my sons porn. . . . . . sigh
/u/GentleCoatHanger
Nah, you should have gone the cigarette route and sit there and watch until hes beat o
to every last one of those videos.
/u/AWildSketchAppeared
http://i.imgur.com/GUZJA.jpg
1024
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Ive been trying to think of a great baby shower gift for a couple months now. Then it
came to me, theres no better gift than knowledge. Hes a young father having a girl. I
figured you guys could help me construct a collection of advice for him because I definitely
know nothing about parenting.
Edit: Ahhh so much parenting knowledge. You guys are the shit.
1025
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Dont. . .
1026
#39 Confession time reddit! What have you done that
should be shared anonymously? (possibly nsfw)
2012-09-18 23:35:34
/u/Hockeytruck87
/u/Had To Switch
To cryofreeze my dick.
1027
#38 What makes you smile?
2012-09-18 18:46:45
/u/thelirivalley
For me I always have the largest grin whenever I ride a roller coaster, I cant help it I just
cannot stop smiling, pair that with Maniacal laughter and Im not the best to go with if
youre afraid of rides. What makes you smile Reddit?
/u/(deleted user)
1028
/u/thapharmacist
[Link]
1029
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Or chuckle at my plight,
Hello Reddit,
Ive not been much on here before. . . Ive only heard of it last week from my wing-
mates son Andrew . . . .My name is Chris and Im 39 years old with a 7 year old son,
Unfortunately Ive been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and have entered a dangerous
1030
stage within my life. Ive had a major surgery in attempting to remove cancer cells from
the lower area of my esophagus but however my body doesnt seem to want to continue
to fight, Ive also been undergoing palliative therapy (chemotherapy) to reduce risk and
pain but I dont seem to be in a curable position. This past week at the hospital has been
terribly depressing.
My wifes family and mine have been extremely supportive and giving. All I would like
to do is share my memories and experiences with them; however most of all with my son.
Throughout his wonderful seven years of life Ive had the opportunity to explore great
bonds and connections with him through adventures weve been through and trips weve
taken.
In my current state I have an extreme amount of chest pain and over the past year Ive
felt that as I get weaker and older my son becomes more energetic (hes such a happy
trooper). This has been something I think about every night before bed, how long will
my child cherish his youthfulness and his passion for outdoors. In the future, what will
he do when Im not there to guide him? If he reaches financial distress, how can I show
him the correct path, who will tell my son how to properly interact with the opposite- or
same sex, when he is wed, what can I say to him as a deeply passionate father. . . When
his first car breaks down, who will he call? When hes sick or heartbroken, who will be
there to run fingers through his hair and tell him itll be alright? When he goes into
the woods, who will chop down trees, and find salamanders underneath logs with him?
When he gets old and becomes as weary as I, what percentage of his life will he have that
involved me, and how can he reflect on it?
As I diminish in this stale and gloomy environment I hope that I can write in my journal
some things to tell my son, whether they be short and humorous, or long and complex
with deeply twisting and thought provoking matter, or simply a slogan/phrase- As simple
as Just do it, I myself am preparing a book for him, not a novel but a collection of my
39 years of experience, and what to do in life situations where he is without a father or
without a friend, I hope to continue to find a perfect piece for a page or a passage, FYI
page 1, tells him how much I love him, and page 2 tells him to always wear a condom,
because if he gets a woman pregnant, he gets us pregnant too. [Haha. . . (his parents)].
If I can be so humble, I would please ask your assistance in helping me prepare thoughts
or phrases to put into this journal
One love, Chris
EDIT: Thank you for all wonderful advice ! It really means a lot to me, I am extremely
grateful ! I could not have asked for better results as I really was not sure what to expect.
The internet is certainly not my fort in life, but this community is extraordinary. I thank
you once again for your support and attention, it has been a great experience Reddit !
Do you mind if I ask - whats your sons name? Id like to write something for him.
Perhaps something you can read to him?
/u/mustangjunkie
1031
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I really hope this is okay. Its not really for your book - its just for the two
of you, now, at this moment in time.
....
1032
And run through the debris.
1033
#35 Hello Reddit, in light of my battle with cancer, I
would like to leave my son with an advice journal. Would
you be able to help me ?
2012-09-14 00:58:43
/u/mustangjunkie
Hello Reddit,
Ive not been much on here before. . . Ive only heard of it last week from my wing-
mates son Andrew . . . .My name is Chris and Im 39 years old with a 7 year old son,
Unfortunately Ive been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer and have entered a dangerous
stage within my life. Ive had a major surgery in attempting to remove cancer cells from
the lower area of my esophagus but however my body doesnt seem to want to continue
to fight, Ive also been undergoing palliative therapy (chemotherapy) to reduce risk and
pain but I dont seem to be in a curable position. This past week at the hospital has been
terribly depressing.
My wifes family and mine have been extremely supportive and giving. All I would like
to do is share my memories and experiences with them; however most of all with my son.
Throughout his wonderful seven years of life Ive had the opportunity to explore great
bonds and connections with him through adventures weve been through and trips weve
taken.
In my current state I have an extreme amount of chest pain and over the past year Ive
felt that as I get weaker and older my son becomes more energetic (hes such a happy
trooper). This has been something I think about every night before bed, how long will
my child cherish his youthfulness and his passion for outdoors. In the future, what will
he do when Im not there to guide him? If he reaches financial distress, how can I show
him the correct path, who will tell my son how to properly interact with the opposite- or
same sex, when he is wed, what can I say to him as a deeply passionate father. . . When
his first car breaks down, who will he call? When hes sick or heartbroken, who will be
there to run fingers through his hair and tell him itll be alright? When he goes into
the woods, who will chop down trees, and find salamanders underneath logs with him?
When he gets old and becomes as weary as I, what percentage of his life will he have that
involved me, and how can he reflect on it?
As I diminish in this stale and gloomy environment I hope that I can write in my journal
some things to tell my son, whether they be short and humorous, or long and complex
with deeply twisting and thought provoking matter, or simply a slogan/phrase- As simple
as Just do it, I myself am preparing a book for him, not a novel but a collection of my
39 years of experience, and what to do in life situations where he is without a father or
without a friend, I hope to continue to find a perfect piece for a page or a passage, FYI
page 1, tells him how much I love him, and page 2 tells him to always wear a condom,
because if he gets a woman pregnant, he gets us pregnant too. [Haha. . . (his parents)].
If I can be so humble, I would please ask your assistance in helping me prepare thoughts
or phrases to put into this journal
One love, Chris
EDIT: Thank you for all wonderful advice ! It really means a lot to me, I am extremely
grateful ! I could not have asked for better results as I really was not sure what to expect.
The internet is certainly not my fort in life, but this community is extraordinary. I thank
1034
you once again for your support and attention, it has been a great experience Reddit !
Do you mind if I ask - whats your sons name? Id like to write something
for him. Perhaps something you can read to him?
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
/u/arudeandvulgarname
Stfu poem for your sprog and deliver already. Tits or gtfo.
Careful -
Some sights across this world,
Would drive you mad to see -
1035
Strewn through distant jungles;
Below the deepest sea.
Monsters writhing in the black,
Beasts that hunt at night,
Horrors singing songs of death,
And hiding from the light.
Creatures with a thousand eyes,
Nesting with their brood,
But worse than them? Far worse in fact:
The sight of this dude nude.
/u/arudeandvulgarname
...
arudeandvulgarname.
[Link]
1036
/u/(deleted user)
/u/arudeandvulgarname
Stfu poem for your sprog and deliver already. Tits or gtfo.
1037
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Careful -
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
1038
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Of insecurity;
[Link]
/u/Electrorocket
You didnt even put the best part in the title. His original name was Willy Hitler.
WILLY! You cant make this stu up. Ive been telling this to people for years. Its one
of my favorite pieces of trivia.
I guess its all in the page, but Im gonna sum up from memory.
His family moved to England sometime before WWII, maybe before WWI. Willy heard
his cousin Adolf was kind of a big deal. He moved to Germany, to try to get some
nepotism going on. Adolf was kind of against that, but gave Willy a high position in
some nationalized car company. After a while, he was like, fuck that, this shit is lame,
then he went back to England.
Here, I think he started badmouthing Adolf. Entering into the war, Adolf asked him
1039
back, oering a better position in the government. Willy was suspicious, and didnt go.
Adolf did all he could in Austria to destroy his family record(possible Jewish ancestors).
Willy was right to be cautious. WWII broke out, and, denouncing Adolf, Willy came to
the US, and tried to join the Army. He was rejected. Eventually he managed to join the
Navy, but only in the Pacific theater. He was a bit of a minor celebrity and socialite, and
had some magazine stories, such as in Look Magazine.
After the war, he changed his name, got married, and had four boys in Long Island.
Most of them started a landscaping company, and none of them ever had kids. It was
rumored that they had a pact to have the Hitler line end with them, but its not really
corroborated. Some of them are still alive.
The End.
1040
#30 How I feel
2012-09-02 21:09:30
/u/dizzyike89
[Link]
Gay or bi or straight,
1041
#29 Trees
2012-09-02 19:19:32
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
To young Humanity,
How do I become witty and have the ability to make witty comments out of observations
I make in the real world? I have noticed how witty everyone on Reddit is. The comments
are just so clever. . . .
1042
To raise a strangers smile.
Cultivating style.
...
[Link]
1043
/u/Shitty Watercolour
Thank you so much for facilitating the two coolest things to happen in my life. There
might be another watercolour on CNN, and the Obama painting is going to hang in
Obama campaign HQ!
http://imgur.com/a/GMAMW
Thank you! :)
/u/Metalshields
. . . And this painting hanging over here was painted by the one and only
Shitty Watercolour.
By Shitty Watercolour.
1044
#26 Redditors, what is one thing that you regret doing
in your life?
2012-08-31 11:00:52
/u/(deleted user)
Everyone says that they dont want to regret anything they do, but I want to hear what
you do know you wish you hadnt done or had handled dierently. If you could go back
in your life and do something dierently, what would it be?
/u/WookieOfTheYear
Not asking that girl out. Everyone has their own version of that girl.
/u/epetes
Oh, I think about her all the time. She was beautiful, and she was interested in me and
I was too stupid to see it. I was so intimidated by her at the time. I was 18, a freshman,
and she was in her 20s well on her way into college. Shed been around the world and
had a million stories to tell. I just wanted to get swept up in her wake. I couldnt get
enough of her. I made excuses to be around her, but even better, she made a few to be
around me, too. I still remember how she smelled, and my heart still races when I think
about her smile. I fell for her so hard. I would have let that girl tear my world apart, and
I would have thanked her for the privilege. When that semester ended she disappeared
and I never spoke to her again.
Also, relevant
1045
I think of her as beautiful;
...
[Link]
1046
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1047
/u/domzilla
[Link]
/u/Sc silvah
/u/domzilla
1048
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
Hopefully, thisll make you feel better. Its a rhyme to celebrate some of the
things youve never commented on, but must have noticed/seen time
and again on Reddit, (though it could also work as a general summary
of the site!):
[Chorus]
I wont upvote this repost,
But I wont ignore it,
Cos I must deplore it.
No, I wont upvote this repost,
Yeah Im trying to fight it,
Cos I didnt write it.
Rage comics, Imgurs down, this just came through my home town,
Why not Zoidberg?, r/trees grew, noveltys are lame: fuck you!
[Chorus]
Cant upvote this repost,
But I wont ignore it,
Cos I must deplore it.
No, I wont upvote this repost,
Yeah, Im trying to fight it,
Cos I didnt write it.
x2 and fade. . .
1049
#23 Act casual, they can smell fear.
2012-08-21 23:21:09
/u/mirite
[Link]
/u/Ctwatt21
/u/Gundun
/u/madagent
/u/trevbot
/u/Canonfoddered
Creepy enough photo to believe theres teeth in the other end too.
1050
(Outside some thunder crashes,
My name is Steven. I am the balloon twister that made the Cthulhu the other day.
www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/yj1cl/asked for a cthulhu balloon guy at bar mitzvah/
Check me out at facebook.com/stevensballoons. Go ahead, AMA. But Im new to Reddit,
1051
so dont be too hard on me! And feel free to post any ideas for what youd like to see
made out of balloons. At the end of the day, I will take the 5 best suggestions and
post pictures. http://imgur.com/507Er UPDATE: Heres my new photo. I think you all
saw this one coming: http://imgur.com/DQFhG UPDATE: By popular demand, heres
the Reddit Alien. Unfortunately, white balloons dont seem very photogenic. Hopefully
you still get the idea: http://imgur.com/nSndD UPDATE: I have but one question for
you. Why not Zoidberg? http://imgur.com/fVxhw UPDATE: Apocalystix requested
a pink sheep. I chose to use some more conventional colors, but I hope you like it!
http://imgur.com/Zqf1U
1052
/u/nmp12
[Link]
/u/nifty50
This is the funniest thing Ive seen on here in awhile. Thank you.
1053
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
To rob me of my right,
Waiting; I began,
#20 This might just be the saddest doodle Ive ever seen
2012-08-15 07:22:51
1054
/u/HeyLetsBang
[Link]
/u/233741eb
1055
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1056
/u/k6eqj
[Link]
#18 Last night, I heard a little boy beg his mom not to go
into a liquor store. Reddit, what things have you overheard
that have broken your heart?
2012-08-03 18:38:58
/u/haikuginger
Some background: I live in Oklahoma, where the only place you can purchase alcohol
besides low-point beer is in a licensed, dedicated liquor store, which can only be open
at certain times of day. Anyway, Im heading to the one by my house to get a bottle of
Scotch. Im walking in, when I hear a little boy crying, Mommy, you cant go in there!
You dont need liquor! His mom replies, Yes, I do! Now shut up and wait in the car!
I havent really been able to think of much else since then. Reddit, what have you
1057
overheard thats weighed down your heart and mind since youve heard it?
/u/(deleted user)
For my sons 9th birthday I took my son and a handful of friends to the movies, then to
pizza, then they all slept over. On the way home from pizza the kids were commenting
on great the night was, and were saying thank you, etc. . . I said in reply We love having
kids over! Out of the blue one boy quietly whispered to me My Mom doesnt love me.
Broke my heart into bits. I asked why he said that, and he said, She always left me. I
would wake up and she would be gone.
Come to find out, he had just been placed with his Dad that he barely knew. The State
had taken him away from his Mom for neglect - leaving him every night alone to go to
the bar. It had been going on for years and the neighbors would hear him crying alone
and call the cops. She is a raging alcoholic and a drug addict, still.
His Dad had only met him once before, and was currently living with a new girlfriend, and
she didnt like kids. His son was now sleeping on the floor of the girlfriends apartment as
there was no room for him. It was fucking heartbreaking.To make matters worse, he sat
alone every day after school on the steps of the library waiting for his Dad, sometimes
till past 7pm. When I found out I had him over every single day, eating a snack, doing
homework together with my son, eating dinner most nights.
Less than a year later his father asked if I could take him for a while. He had broken o
with the girlfriend and had no where to go, and no where to bring his son. No problem!
Im a single Mom of one son, but I always have room for anyone who needs to stay.
His Dad brought over all of his clothes in a garbage bag - everything he owns. He never
ocially was mine, but I became his adopted Mom since that time, bringing him to
the doctors, going to parent /teacher conferences, music concerts, etc.
He is 19 now and doing fantastic. He made it thru high school at an Honors A/P level,
and then went to college on full scholarship. But better than that, he is an awesome
person: funny, smart, kind, loving. I love my adopted son.
tl:dr Drug addict Mom, non-committed Dad, and a sad little kid who changed our lives.
EDIT = From that one act, I became known as the Mom who takes in kids. I ended up
with 4 semi-adopted kids who stayed with us right thru graduation. All teenage boys the
same age, all with severe family problems. But it was AWESOME. And each is doing
very, very well.
EDIT #2 = Thanks, everyone. Youre making ME cry! And I sincerely mean this - to
my son and I it was no big deal and the joy this kid, and the others, too, brought into
our home was just wonderful. We got back more than we gave. And we still are.
I wish I could take the time to reply to everyone, but there are so many great
comments! Thank you, sincerely!
1058
And smiled but moved away,
The darkness called it to return;
I knew it couldnt stay.
Then taken from the gorgon,
To another shape unknown,
I found myself within the light,
But lost, afraid, alone.
And when it seemed no other,
Would ease the grief or fright,
A stranger came from out the dark,
And harried o the night.
...
When I grew older dreams of gorgons,
Left in dark to roam,
Faded away each passing day,
As yours became my home.
/u/(deleted user)
#17 Last night, I heard a little boy beg his mom not to go
into a liquor store. Reddit, what things have you overheard
that have broken your heart?
2012-08-03 18:16:52
/u/haikuginger
Some background: I live in Oklahoma, where the only place you can purchase alcohol
besides low-point beer is in a licensed, dedicated liquor store, which can only be open
at certain times of day. Anyway, Im heading to the one by my house to get a bottle of
Scotch. Im walking in, when I hear a little boy crying, Mommy, you cant go in there!
You dont need liquor! His mom replies, Yes, I do! Now shut up and wait in the car!
I havent really been able to think of much else since then. Reddit, what have you
1059
overheard thats weighed down your heart and mind since youve heard it?
/u/(deleted user)
For my sons 9th birthday I took my son and a handful of friends to the movies, then to
pizza, then they all slept over. On the way home from pizza the kids were commenting
on great the night was, and were saying thank you, etc. . . I said in reply We love having
kids over! Out of the blue one boy quietly whispered to me My Mom doesnt love me.
Broke my heart into bits. I asked why he said that, and he said, She always left me. I
would wake up and she would be gone.
Come to find out, he had just been placed with his Dad that he barely knew. The State
had taken him away from his Mom for neglect - leaving him every night alone to go to
the bar. It had been going on for years and the neighbors would hear him crying alone
and call the cops. She is a raging alcoholic and a drug addict, still.
His Dad had only met him once before, and was currently living with a new girlfriend, and
she didnt like kids. His son was now sleeping on the floor of the girlfriends apartment as
there was no room for him. It was fucking heartbreaking.To make matters worse, he sat
alone every day after school on the steps of the library waiting for his Dad, sometimes
till past 7pm. When I found out I had him over every single day, eating a snack, doing
homework together with my son, eating dinner most nights.
Less than a year later his father asked if I could take him for a while. He had broken o
with the girlfriend and had no where to go, and no where to bring his son. No problem!
Im a single Mom of one son, but I always have room for anyone who needs to stay.
His Dad brought over all of his clothes in a garbage bag - everything he owns. He never
ocially was mine, but I became his adopted Mom since that time, bringing him to
the doctors, going to parent /teacher conferences, music concerts, etc.
He is 19 now and doing fantastic. He made it thru high school at an Honors A/P level,
and then went to college on full scholarship. But better than that, he is an awesome
person: funny, smart, kind, loving. I love my adopted son.
tl:dr Drug addict Mom, non-committed Dad, and a sad little kid who changed our lives.
EDIT = From that one act, I became known as the Mom who takes in kids. I ended up
with 4 semi-adopted kids who stayed with us right thru graduation. All teenage boys the
same age, all with severe family problems. But it was AWESOME. And each is doing
very, very well.
EDIT #2 = Thanks, everyone. Youre making ME cry! And I sincerely mean this - to
my son and I it was no big deal and the joy this kid, and the others, too, brought into
our home was just wonderful. We got back more than we gave. And we still are.
I wish I could take the time to reply to everyone, but there are so many great
comments! Thank you, sincerely!
1060
And called it by her name.
...
1061
/u/birdbiscuit
When I realized that playing board games and having a glass of wine with a few friends
was better than clubbing on a Friday night.
Edit: I dont have time to respond to everyone. But, some common ques-
tions/assumptions answered. . . I am in my early 30s, I am a girl, I have never played
D&D or anything like it (not hating on D&D, just never played), I dont have an OKCu-
pid account, and board games are just fine at any age. This Friday night activity is just
dierent from what I used to do. That is all. Enjoy your games!
1062
#15 Both sweet n sad.
2012-07-30 22:43:25
/u/Milandt
[Link]
1063
#14 On the other hand: What is something you dont
like, but pretend you do?
2012-07-30 00:10:33
/u/(deleted user)
/u/Migikal
Babies. And pictures of babies. As a girl im totally supposed to get all excited and
squeal at a picture of someones brothers girlfriends nephews godson or whatever. I
genuinely could not care less.
If I may be so bold,
1064
#13 A friend of mine lives in Grenada and found this on
his roommates bed...
2012-07-26 15:18:05
/u/roparksie
[Link]
/u/EnvoySix
That, dear lad or lass, is a Nightmare Bug. Scientifically under the class Arachnida, these
arent really bugs at all! The fascinating thing about them is their diet and reproductive
habits. You see, these creatures feed on the beads of sweat that form during a particularly
violent nightmare. Theyve even adapted themselves to encourage their hosts to produce
more of their favorite sustenance by means of those small spines located on their forward
most legs and the potent hallucinogenic they produce.
As for mating, when two Nightmare Bugs meet, they engage in protracted courtship
battle. The dominant becomes the female and, after taking the males sperm, lays eggs
in the corners of the human eye where they absorb the secretions of our lacrimal glands.
And thats where the sleepdust you have in the morning comes from, the discarded egg
shells of the Nightmare Bug.
1065
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
Though most I write are fun and mild, heres a verse to scare your child -
Confession Bear
1066
The day the bad thing happened,
1067
All distant cries and tears.
[Link]
/u/justleaveit
http://i.imgur.com/fJQI2.jpg
1068
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
I heard the news that youre not well, so heres a card thats super-swell.
Get Worse
[Link]
/u/(deleted user)
I cant be the only one who thinks pregnant stomachs are fucking gross. And Im saying
this as a woman.
1069
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/slr8692
1070
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
1071
When the globe was still uncharted.
It begins. . .
1072
The oldest (who seemed quite unphased,)
[Link]
1073
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/reflythis
1074
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1075
/u/babybalugawhale
[Link]
[Link]
1076
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
[Link]
/u/CATALANOpunch
however cute they may be, deer are actually pretty dangerous, especially around dogs. I
have unfortunately witnessed one killing a dog, saddest thing ever. . .
1077
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1078
Be sure to keep your puppy close,
#2 Oh, Bob.
2012-07-13 23:25:49
/u/(deleted user)
[Link]
1079
And when it got to time to go,
...
#1 Welcome to Scotland
2012-07-13 23:15:30
/u/simon wang12
[Link]
1080
/u/Poem for your sprog [Link]
1081