Beruflich Dokumente
Kultur Dokumente
Mahaney
Sex,Romance,andthe
GloryofGod:WhatEvery
ChristianHusbandNeedstoKnow
Introduction
AlthoughtheredifferentviewsregardingtheSongsofSolomon,therearesomewhobelieveitis
simplyaboutsexualintimacy.InawayitreflectsGenesis2:25,Andthemanandhiswifewere
bothnakedandwerenotashamed.
Sowhatcanwelearnfromthisbookaboutintimacyinmarriage?
CommunicationandCreativity
Thefirstthingweneedtonoteis:
Inorderforromancetodeepen,youmusttouchtheheartandmindofyourwifebefore
youtouchherbody.
Toooftenwereversetheorder.Wetouchherbodyprematurelyandexpectthatshewillrespond
immediatelyandpassionately.Normallythatsnothowitworks.
BaseontheSongsofSolomonourcanwemodelourcommunicationforeffectiveintimacy:
1.Communication:TheLanguageofRomance
AclearlessonfromSolomonsSongisthatspeechandsexareintimatelyconnected.
DuaneGarrettwritesoftheloversintheSong:
Theyrelishtheirpleasureineachothernotonlywithphysicalaction,butwithcarefully
composedwords.Loveis,aboveall,amatterofthemindandheartandshouldbe
declared.
Weshouldspeakoftenandopenlyofourjoyinourspouse.
2.CarefullyComposedWords
SolomonsSongcontainsthefinestexamplesofcarefullycomposed,romanticwordsIknowof.
Forexample:
1:15-16Behold,youarebeautiful,mylove;behold,youarebeautiful;youreyesare
doves.Behold,youarebeautiful,mybeloved,trulydelightful.Ourcouchisgreen;
Thewordsweusneedtobehighlyintentional,creative,provocative,anderotic.Thepurposeof
thesewordsistoarouseromanticpassiontoinflame,slowlyandintentionally,allthewhile
honoringanddelightingonesspouse.
Thebestsexbeginswithromance,andthebestromancebeginswiththekindofspeechweread
intheSongofSolomon.Itbeginswithcarefullycomposedwords.
3.CreativeCompliments
Let'sreadfrom4:1-7
Theversesbeginwithadeclarationofthebeautyofhisbeloved.Butgeneralitiesarenotenough
forhim,norshouldtheybeforus.Inthispassagealonehepraisessevendifferentpartsofher
body,usingclearandcomplementaryanalogies.Thisissomeseriouscreativity!
Whiletryingtobecreativeweshouldnotethatthroughoutthepassagesinwhichonelover
describesthebodyoftheotherforthewomaninSolomonsSongalsocomplimentsherman
therearebothbeautyandbrilliance.Inthesephrases,themostprivateemotionsaboutthe
mostintimatepartsoftheloversbodyareexpressedappropriately,romantically,erotically,and
tastefully.Thereisnomedicallanguage,nocrudeness,andnoprofanityanywhereinthebook.
Everywordistenderandsensual,andcarefullycomposedtoproduceappropriateand
passionatearousal.
4.IntentionalExaggeration
Throughthebookwereadalotofexaggeration.Forexample:
4:7Youarealtogetherbeautiful,mylove;thereisnoflawinyou.
Now,ishelying?Isheflatteringher?Isheblind?Notatall.Heisnotdescribingsomuchwhat
shelookslike,buthowhefeelsabouther.Thereisahugedifference.
Thereis,andshouldbe,amarkeddifferencebetweenanemotionaldescriptionofonesbeloved
andanobjective,factualdescription.Amanmaysaytohiswife,Mydarling,youarefive-feet
seven-and-one-halfinchestall,ofmediumbuild,withabirthmarkonyourleftshoulderblade,and
youaremildlyallergictoshellfish.Inthis,hemaybeentirelyaccurate,buthewillnotbetelling
herhowmuchshemeanstohim.Andhecertainlywontbeaddinganyfueltothefiresof
romance.
Learning
Tolearnhowtotouchyourwifesheartandmind,youmuststudyher.Herearetwoliststhatmay
behelpful.Youcanprobablyaddtothem.
Doyouknowhowtosurpriseanddelightyourwifeinspecificwaysineachofthefollowing
areas?
Clothingsizes,styles,andstores
Jewelry
Health
Exercise
Booksandmagazines
Movies
Thearts
Sports
Food
Music
Entertainment
Placestovisit
Intellectualinterests
Hobbies
Vacations/Getaways
And,ofcourse,sex
Doyouknowhowyourwifeisfaringineachoftheseareas?
Theologicalknowledge
Practiceofthespiritualdisciplines
Growthingodliness
Spiritualgiftsthatcanbeusedtoserveothers
Localchurchinvolvement(OnthevitaltopicseeStopDatingtheChurch!)
Children
Parents
In-laws
Friends
Personalretreats
Fears
Hopes
Dreams
Disappointments
Temptations
Howmuchofthisinformationdoyouhavereadilyavailabletoyou,preferablyinwrittenform?
Howmuchdoyoureallyknowaboutyourwifeineachoftheseareas?
ProcessingandPlanning
Studyingourwivesandgatheringinformation,ofcourse,isonlystepone.Wemustnotconfuse
beinginformedwithbeingtransformed.Transformationdoesntjusthappenautomaticallyor
effortlessly.Itisthefruitofapplicationandaction.
Oneexampleofapplyingwhatyouhavelearntaboutyourspousetotopickaday,likeSunday,
andidentifynomorethanthreeimportantgoalsyoucanaccomplishthatweek,andplanthem
intoyourschedule.Thesemaybeadatenight,asurpriseyoucanbringher,ascheduledtimeto
discussanissueyouknowisimportanttoher,orsomethingelse.
MakingItAllHappen
Timeandenergy,lovinglyinvested,willincreaseromance,whichwillincreasemaritalintimacy.
Butwhat,exactly,shouldyouplanfor?
1. Datenight
2. Phonecalls
3. Notes,Cards,Letters,andEmail
4. Gifts
5. Music
6. Getaways
7. Surprises
TheGiftofMaritalIntimacy
Therecomesapointwhenwehavestudiedandplanned...whenwehavespokenourtender
andprovocativewordsoflove...whenwerereadytomovebeyondverbalforeplay.Letus
touchon3areas:
1. Kissing:Isuggestyoutakeinventory.Howoftendoyoukiss?Howlongdoyoukiss?How
passionateisyourkissing?Askyourwifewhatshethinksofyourkissing.Whatdoesshe
likeordislikeaboutit?Howdoesitcomparewithyourpastkissing?Howcanyou
improve?
2. TouchingandCaressing:IntheSongsofSolomonwewanttoencouragetofrequently,
imaginativetouchourwives(asappropriategivenyourlevelofprivacy).Touchingour
wifeinavarietyofcreativewaysisnotjustawarm-uptoournextsexualencounter.When
practicedregularlyasagenuineexpressionofaffection,love,andpassionitcontributes
toaclosenessandintimacythatcanhelpfuelyourromanceandsexlifewellintothe
future.
3. UltimateIntimacy:Finallyletchapters4and5oftheSongremindyouthat,whenyou
makelovetoyourwife,thetwoofyouarenotalone.Godispresent,andheispleased
whenyouandyourwifefinderoticsatisfactioninoneanother.Indeed,heencourages
youwiththesameunqualifiedapprovalwithwhichtheywereencouraged:Bedrunkwith
love.
MutualFulfillment
Areyouaskillfulandunselfishlover?Dontassumeyouknowwhatyourwifelikes,orwhat
arousesher.Sheisarouseddifferentlythanyouare.Youmustdiscoverwhatarousesherand
whatdoesnotbyengagingherinextendedconversation.
RealisticExpectations
Onthesubjectofsexualexpectations,someonenamedDouglasWilsonhaspointedoutthat
whilesomemealsaresteaks,andsomearemacaroniandcheese,bothareenjoyable.Thats
wisecounsel.Soletyourexpectationsberealistic,andenjoy.
TheLoveBehindtheSex
Inclosing,althoughsexualintercourseiscertainlyanultimateexpressionofamarriedcouples
eroticencounter,itisnottheoutstandingcentralfeatureoftheSong.Thebookisnotaboutthe
actofsexualintercourse.Rather,itisabouttheremarkablenatureofthecouplesoverall
relationshipinallitsromance,yearning,desire,sensuality,passion,anderoticism.
Thesetwodesperatelydesiretobetogether,butnotsimplysotheycanexperiencesexual
gratification.Theywanttobetogetherbecausetheyareinlove,andthesextheyenjoywithone
anotherisanexpressionofthatlove.Theirmutualattractionisnotprimarilyhormonal.Itis
primarilyrelational.
Discussion
HereswhatImean.Ifherbodyishisandhisbodyishersandeachhasauthorityovertheothers
body,thenhehastheauthoritytoaskhertodosomethinghewouldfindpleasurable,andshe
hastheauthorityoverhisbodytoaskthatheincreaseherpleasurebynotaskingthatshedo
that.
Howdoweresolvethestalemate?