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Rob Ford's Blog

Thoughts and personal accounts from your future mayor
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Going for wings + beer tonight

Posted on August 5, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey guys, 5
tweets
I’m in the mood for wings and beer tonight. Renata hasn’t come back from her cottage trip
retweet
(even though she was supposed to be back 2 days ago), and it gets quite lonely in my
Etobicoke house so I’ve decided to go out for wings and beer!

The place I plan on visiting is called Wingporium. Its on 1000 Islington Avenue, in Etobicoke. You
can find it here.

Come and visit me there! I plan on getting at least 3-5 pounds of wings to start. They have a wide
assortment of wings. I like this place because they usually give me Tums or Pepto Bismol upon
request so I can continue eating non-stop.

See you there!

Rob

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Posted in BBQ, Blue collar life, Doing Beer, Quick updates | 16 Comments

Pastor Wendell Brereton / buttermilk pancakes with cinnamon

and bananas

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Posted on August 5, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hello friends, 3
tweets
I have decided to take the rest of the week off since my stay at Etobicoke General Hospital
retweet
as a result of my intestinal blockage.

Staying at home allows me to work tirelessly on my mayoral election campaign without distraction or
any outside communication. Most of my election plans and strategies are composed within several
hundred notebooks that I categorically file away in a temperature controlled storage room in the
basement of my Etobicoke mansion.

I write my speeches in my own way; using my specific methods and procedures to better encourage
my own inspiration and creativity. I like to write on loose leaf paper that is gently placed over top of
my groin region and press my pen hardly on the sheet of paper when I write — I like my writing to
appear clear and bold against the white paper background. I try to carry this communication tactic into
my speeches and rage debates.

I have noticed that there has been some recent controversy with respect to my latest mayoral
endorsement from Pastor Wendell Brereton. I think people need to get a better understanding of where
Wendell Brereton and I come from, as we do have a history together and have been friends for quite
some time.

Wendell and I go back many years and I think he is a solid individual with a rock hard body. He has
been working out for as long as I can remember and I can distinctly recall meeting him at his house
after a strenuous jog (him , not me!) and sitting in his living room while he changes in his bedroom
directly across from the living room with the door open.

His wet sweatpants peeled off of his glistening black skin as he removed all his sweat-soaked
garments. I can remember squirming in my chair because the pants I was wearing didn’t have enough
room for my slowly generating chubby.

He would throw his dirty clothes into a hamper and put on a pair of boxer shorts with an open hole in
the crotch area and rejoin me in his living room. He explained that he needed to “air out” his skin by
not getting dressed again after a long jog, which I completely understood. He also claimed that
wearing boxer shorts that had a hole in the crotch area was also necessary because his genital regions
needed fresh exchanges of air as well. It was not uncommon during our talks in his dark living room
for his penis to flop out accidentally of his boxer shorts mid conversation. We both would have a
laugh and continue whatever it was we would be talking about at the time.

I can recount many Saturday afternoons spent in his living room, joking, debating, playing games
(see: choke chubby, no bullshit) and hugging; we would explore our minds together through debate as
well as through our own skin. I have fond memories of this time with Pastor Wendell Brereton.

Please consider and think before judging his position on traditional marriage as well as my insight
into the man behind Pastor Wendell; A man with a true sense of adventure.

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Take care,

Rob Ford

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Posted in Getting a chubby, JO Bro's, Mayoral Election, Rage Boners | Leave a comment

Games I play to release stress

Posted on August 4, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey folks, 3
tweets
I’m home from the hospital now. What a crazy past couple of days it’s been for me. I’ve
retweet
been feeling slightly depressed now that I’ve finally come home from so much time in the
dirty hospital — it’s very difficult to sleep while other junkies and hobo’s are moaning silently in their
beds (some even screaming or shrieking loudly or even loud quick high pitched yelps).

On my drive home I was thinking of all the games I like to play to help me release stress, anguish and
forget (even if just for a moment) my sexual tensions and constant generalized hatred.

One of those games is called “Choke chubby”. Basically it has to involve 2 other people (preferably
men), to make 3 players total.

To play the game you need the following items :

- a jar of strawberry jam

- 3 tennis balls (1 for each player, 3 players minimum)
- one condom
- a salt shaker (filled with salt)

The game is best played in a secluded basement or a fenced in backyard. Each player must sit cross-
legged on the floor , with each player’s knee touching the next player beside them. If its three players,
you can form a small circle. The more players , the larger the circle.

The first player has to shake the salt over their penis 3 times, evenly spreading the salt. Then they
must put the tennis ball on their penis and extend the condom overtop , covering their penis as well as
the tennis ball.

As soon as this preparation is done, said player must look at the next player to the left and try to reach
for their LEFT knee. Remember your knee’s must all be touching and you must be formed into a tight
circle. If you can touch their LEFT knee without losing contact between your left knee and their
RIGHT knee, then you must remove the condom and tennis ball and the next player must do the same
thing.

If you do in fact lose contact with their right knee and your left knee, you must take the jam jar and

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spread 3 tablespoons worth on your opponents upper inner thighs. This is intended to be their reward
for not losing contact. After the jam has been spread evenly on the winners upper inner thigh, you
have to try to remove the jam without using your hands, feet, arms or legs. The trick I found is to use
your tongue.

This game usually goes on for hours. I’m actually a regular player of Choke Chubby.

I think I’ll go to bed now for a while as I didn’t get much sleep last night in the hospital.

Your faithful friend,

Robert

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Posted in Games I play, Getting a chubby, JO Bro's, Rubbing food all over my body | Leave a
comment

Hospital : day 2
Posted on August 4, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey folks, 3
tweets
Just checking in. I ended up staying at Etobicoke General overnight. They insisted that they
retweet
observe my condition even after administering IV based laxative’s and clearing out the
intestinal blockage.

They made me promise to never eat an entire block of cheese and melt it in bacon grease to be poured
over top of various meats and sausages. Honestly I have no regrets as far as my decisions in the past
~96 hours. As soon as I get home I’m going to shotgun an ice cold old milwaukee and take a long nap
in my air conditioned bedroom.

Renata is away at one of her girlfriend’s cottages in the Muskoka region so I have the house to myself
once again.

One thing I like to do when lying in my bed is aim the air conditioner vent right in my groin region
and spread my legs and let the cool air waft across my hot sticky thighs. Its the most refreshing
feeling I have ever experienced. Sometimes I fall asleep and that area of my body gets extremely cold
so I sometimes lay several vibrating objects (phones, wii controllers) across my inner thighs and let
them continue to vibrate while the cold air touches my clammy skin. This usually continues for
several hours until I am finished.

Technically I am allowed to leave the hospital, but I was hoping to receive some flowers and get-well
cards during my stay here so I think I’ll wait around a little longer to see what happens.

I’ll update you again later today.

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Thanks,

Rob

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Posted in Getting a chubby, Quick updates, Taking Dumps | 4 Comments

At the hospital currently

Posted on August 4, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey pals, 0
tweets
Just a quick update. I’m currently in the waiting room at Etobicoke General Hospital, near
tweet
HWY 27 and Rexdale Blvd.

Since I haven’t been able to take a dump in 72 hours, I thought it might be a good idea to get this
taken care of by a medical professional. They tell me it shouldn’t be much longer. I think they plan on
inserting something into my anus and administering various creams as well as an IV based laxative.

I’ll update again when I can.

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Posted in Quick updates, Taking Dumps | Leave a comment

Smitherman inexperienced in municipal politics / is it normal to

have blood in my shit?
Posted on August 3, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey guys, 0
tweets
I’ve been sitting in my office for most of the day, not taking calls and canceling most of my
tweet
meetings today. I’m still recovering from the weekend, unfortunately. I ended up making a
few extra runs to the beer store.

I also reduced the complexity of several meals over the long weekend. What originally was intended
to be a steak dinner with bacon grease on Saturday night ended up being a block of cheese, some
pickles and a few bars of white chocolate (my favorite).

As a result, I haven’t taken a dump in over 72 hours and I feel like there’s a cement block lodged in
my intestines. I had to cancel several scheduled debates as well.

I’ll check back in later.

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 Share/Bookmark

Posted in Smitherman, Taking Dumps | Leave a comment

My long weekend starts now!

Posted on July 29, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey Guys, 2
tweets
I’m sitting in my west end home right now, preparing for a great long weekend. The weather
retweet
is supposed to be great. I’m going to stay away from the core of the city (Carabana weekend)
, but I already have all that I need at my house. I don’t think I’ll need to leave for supplies or anything.
I have :

- Over 100 cans of Old Mill beer

- Steaks, sausages, bacon, hamburgers
- Lots of toilet paper

I have been having this disturbing pattern of violent diarrhea over the last 5 days, unfortunately. It all
started last Saturday. I was at my buddy Bob McCown’s house and we were playing this game in his
wood paneled basement called “No bullshit”.

To play the game, each of us sits in a chair facing each other, with our shorts hiked very high above
our belly buttons, as high as you can possibly hike your pants. The shorts are hiked high enough when
your testicles bulge out of the opening.

After the shorts are prepared, you must place your hand on the respective players knee — both of you
facing each other in your chairs. So your hand goes on your opponent’s knee (in my case , Bob’s) and
Bob’s hand goes on my knee.

Now this game can’t be played until your opponents testicles are at least subtly or partially visible
through the opening in their shorts, so make sure that you can see your opponent’s testicles and they
can see yours.

After the preparations are complete, the first person to start has to say something they think to be true
about the opponent. This can be anything as long as it is about the opponent. If the statement is
untrue, the opponent must immediately say “No bullshit”.

If the statement is indeed untrue, the player who just stated the untrue fact must move their hand 1
inch closer to the opponent’s exposed testicles.

The game goes back and forth — the loser of the game is the player who’s hand is fully touching the
opponent’s testicles.

Since playing that game with Bob last weekend, I’ve had violent diarrhea. Should I see a doctor?

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Your friend,

Rob

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Posted in BBQ, Doing Beer, Games I play, JO Bro's, Taking Dumps | 2 Comments

What a week!
Posted on July 28, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hello Friends, 2
tweets
Just a quick update — I’m still here! Seems I accidentally knocked this website offline for
retweet
the past few days.

I run the website out of my garage and I suspect I tripped over the extension chords powering my
computer last weekend (I’d been drinking all day). I didn’t notice until now.

I’ll have another update later today!

Cheers,

Robert

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Posted in Quick updates | 2 Comments

Thank god its Friday

Posted on July 23, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey Folks, 0
tweets
I just got home from the office (I usually leave at 1pm on Fridays) and let me tell you it was
tweet
certainly an exciting week for me!

Has anyone ever glued their fingers together as a result of pure boredom? I was in a car, going
between my council office and my Lawrence ave. “satellite” election office and I had a stick of glue in
my pocket. I gently brushed it across several of my fingers and then pressed each finger down my
chubby thigh, one after the other.

After each subsequent finger was pressed against my hairy leg, the previous one became stuck to my
leg. After all fingers became stuck, I smiled at myself for completing the task I set out to accomplish.

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With my free hand, I slipped it inside my lunch bag and pulled out one of my favorite treats, an “Eat
More” chocolate + nut bar. I unwrapped the bar with one hand (I have lots of practice) and started my
Eat More ritual. This usually takes about 10 minutes to complete and I will detail the entire process
here.

First I like to put my mouth over the first bite of the Eat More bar and just really get a good amount of
slobber going to soften and moisten the initial bite of Eat more. This is usually because sometimes, if
stored at the incorrect temperature, the bar itself can get quite hard and can increase the risk of
damaging your teeth in that first bite.

After the first bite of the bar has gotten moist enough, I take the Eat More out of my mouth and drag it
slowly across my inner thigh (remember my fingers on my right hand are still stuck to my right thigh).
So I take the Eat More bar and drag it slowly (while its still wet with my saliva) across my inner thigh
until the moisture has been drained off of it. You know when this step is complete when the inner
thigh glistens with moisture and chocolate.

After this step is complete , take the rest of the Eat More bar out of the packaging. After it has been
removed, take the entire bar and slowly run it from end to end across the bottom of your nose while
taking in all that which is the entire scent of the Eat More bar.

Go back and forth across your nose, taking deep breaths through your nose, with the Eat More bar.

After this step is complete, you may now begin eating the Eat More bar.

Take care and have a great weekend,

Rob

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Posted in Rubbing food all over my body, Sweets | 5 Comments

Abolish municipal democracy / Bacon fat is the new cooking oil

Posted on July 21, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hello Friends, 2
tweets
This place has gone to shit. Every time I look at the human garbage that makes up this city, I
retweet
vomit a little in my mouth. I can see the pain and anguish surrounding me in council
chambers and with the city in general. Everywhere I look. Its been three years since I started my
mission to become mayor of Toronto. All these years leading up to this; taking out the fucking
(human) trash. Its all gone to shit, if you ask me.

The only thing that really saves my sanity and keeps me going, in this struggle that is my campaign to
become mayor of Toronto, is several jelly filled doughnuts a day. One in the morning and two in the
afternoon, close to 3:30pm when I usually leave for home.

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The gentle, battered doughnut usually sits in my hand while I stare at it for several minutes before
gobbling it down. Its crusty exterior provides for a nice surprise when penetrated and the warm
blueberry or strawberry jelly oozes out into my salivating mouth. I usually cant contain the entire
thing in my mouth during this process and some spills out onto my chin and sometimes my dress shirt.

My assistant usually helps clean my face up, among doing other things.

Thanks,

R.

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Posted in Saving Money, Sweets, Taking out the human trash | 8 Comments

A day in my life
Posted on July 20, 2010 by Rob Ford

It all started today. This morning actually. 2

tweets
It was a morning like many other — I was sitting in my chair, eating cheetos, listening to
retweet
Steve Earle. I made a few calls from my office at City Hall and had a few uninspired
conversations with my fellow councilors.

I went out to lunch at 12:45. I walked to the burger king near city hall, got 2 double whoppers from
burger king and just plopped myself down on the curb, crossed my legs and just dove right in to the
greasy soggy mess that was my lunch.

I felt a huge shit coming on, so I walked back to my office (took the elevator 1 floor up). After taking
a shit I came back to my computer. To my surprise, several of my internet sensors were blaring —
screaming for my attention. I have a 14 LCD monitors at my desk that displays several key areas of
the internet and its current status in relation to my life — 13 out of 14 of those monitors were flashing
red. Something happened!

There have been so many negative articles written about me on the internet. It is somewhat upsetting
to have to defend myself against such baseless accusations. I thought we lived in a civil society — I
guess I was wrong.

Tonight I think I’ll end up making risotto with peppers and goats cheese, also with chedder cheese and
swiss cheese and blue cheese. I love cheese so fusfcking much. I’ve decided to try the lamb shank
marinade another day

Your friend,

Robbo

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Posted in Blue collar life, Taking Dumps | Tagged a day in the life of rob ford, double whopper ford,
rob ford whopper | 6 Comments

Mustard on beef ?
Posted on July 20, 2010 by Rob Ford

I’m currently sitting in a council meeting right now but I had to share these thoughts I’ve 0
been having. tweets

tweet
I’ve been considering different ways to season my beef and I thought of a good marinade for
beef / steak / whatnot :

- ground mustard seeds

- ground pepper
- red wine
- pinch of salt
- rosemary
- basil leaves on top

My goddamn mouth is watering at the thought! I know I had steaks last Friday during my BBQ party,
but maybe I should try the above with lamb shank?

I swear I’m getting a serious chubby from thinking about this. I think I may scoot out early to visit my
butcher / grocery store and try this tonight (My wife is still on vacation).

Your pal,

Rob

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Posted in Getting a chubby, Recipes | 1 Comment

I reserve the right to choose what I’m having for lunch

Posted on July 19, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey Toronto, 0
tweets
What a wonderful Mid July Monday today is turning out to be. My assistant (Lafayette) just
tweet
told me of a great idea / plan for when I am elected mayor of our great city. She suggested
that I fire 22 city councilors and replace them with 100 police officers on the streets of Toronto.

I almost fell out of my chair when she said that! What a fantastic idea!

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As you all know, I am about trimming the bureaucratic fat and excess that is municipal politics in the
city of Toronto. This just seems like such a crystal clear idea — not only will it save money for our
city, it will also make my job as mayor much easier in this city. Think of how much quicker it would
be to get things done and make an actual difference in this city with 22 less whiny, immature and
downright greedy city councilors?

As soon as I’m done eating this roast beef sandwich I’m going to draft a plan.

How was your weekend? Mine was fairly uneventful. I had a great BBQ on Friday and ended up
staying up extremely late with my friends playing poker and drinking beers.

The rest of the weekend I mostly spent sleeping and enjoying my time off.

Take care,

Rob

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Posted in BBQ, Mayoral Election, Saving Money | 4 Comments

BBQ + Buddies + Beers

Posted on July 16, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey Folks, 1
tweet
Just updating you guys. I’m currently in my Etobicoke backyard having a great old
retweet
fashioned BBQ on my end. I went to Brunos Fine Foods on Dundas West and Royal York
Road to pick up a bunch of steaks for me and the guys. My wife is on vacation currently so its just me
at my house right now.

One of my favorite things to do is down as many cans of Old Milwaukee as possible and have a nice
juicy thick steak. Above all else, this gives me the most pleasure I have ever experienced.

What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday right after work?

Your Pal,

Rob

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Posted in BBQ, Doing Beer | 11 Comments

Cookies n’ cream + jelly doughnuts : is it worth it?

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Posted on July 16, 2010 by Rob Ford

Hey Toronto! 0
tweets
Your old pal Robbie here. I was just sitting in my office, brainstorming with my
tweet
administrative staff and we were toying with the idea of combining cookies and cream ice
cream with jelly doughnuts (mixing it in a blender even).

I think this would be a fantastic daily treat — something that would invigorate and energize my body /
mind / soul!

What do you think? I think I’ll try it when I get home tonight.

Rob

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Posted in Sweets | Leave a comment

Hello Toronto!
Posted on July 16, 2010 by Rob Ford

My mayoral election manager suggested I start a blog to share my thoughts about our 0
wonderful city, my political views and agendas if I were to be elected mayor of our great tweets

city. tweet

I’d love to hear from you also, please drop me a line if you can : rob@robfordmayor.com

Stay tuned for more posts from me.

Sincerely,

Rob Ford

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Posted in Mayoral Election | Tagged rob ford so friggin happy | 2 Comments

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 BBQ
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