Contents

The Indian Universe .................................................................................................................................. 2

The Chinese Universe................................................................................................................................ 7
The Fanatics Universe ............................................................................................................................ 12
Near Death Experience ........................................................................................................................... 16
The Presidents Idea................................................................................................................................ 20
The Indian Universe
Kumar: Welcome Sir, Welcome Sir .. Welcome to the Indian Universe

Traveler: Oh!! Thank you.

Kumar: What would you like to have Sir? Tea , Coffee, Cold Tea , Hot Tea, Hot Coffee, Cold Water ..

Traveler: Oh!! Nothing.

Kumar: No, you should have something.

Traveler: No.

Kumar: Sir, would you like to have Coconut Juice.

Traveler: Yes.

Kumar: Not Available Sir. Will you have tea instead.

Traveler: Ok. Please give me tea.

Kumar: Here is tea, Sir.

Traveler: So you had the tea already made?

Kumar: Yes Sir.

Traveler: Then why did you offer me so many choices. I bet you only had tea.

Kumar: Very clever Sir. Choice is an illusion Sir.

Traveler: OK! How much for the tea?

Kumar: Tea is complementary with your stay Sir.

Traveler: But I am not going to stay.

Kumar: Sir, from the window you will see Taj Mahal.

Traveler: Wow. Really. Then I will stay.

Kumar (looks at his ipad): Sir, you are late. The last room is taken Sir.

Traveler: Shit..

Kumar: I can arrange your stay in my brother's hotel. A little costly ..

Traveler: Ok. You got me. You have my business.

Kumar: Thank you Sir.

Traveler: Now tell me Sir, what do you have here?

Kumar: What do you need Sir?

Traveler: I want to see the Universe

Kumar: Sure , please come with me. Mind the cow.

Traveler: What is this cow doing here in between?

Kumar: In our Universe cows have equal rights as men have. She is just listening to our conversation.

Traveler: Wow!

Kumar: Don't worry Sir she doesn't understand a thing.

Traveler: Ok. What is the specialty of this Universe?

Kumar: Our Universe is special only because of the people of this Universe.

Traveler: Like.

Kumar: First let me take to the temple of the Great God Erie Appan.

Traveler: Who is that?

Kumar: He is the greatest god , greater than all other gods.

Traveler: There is only one God.

Kumar: Did you meet him?

Traveler: No.

Kumar: Are you sure that he exists

Traveler: I am not sure.

Kumar: So when we don't know whether God exists or not then why are we confident that there is only one god ,
maybe there are many.

Traveler: Makes sense

Kumar: In Indian Universe everyone makes sense , we have democracy here. We listen to everyone.

Traveler: OK what about Eerie Appan

Kumar: Say Lord Eerie Appan.

Traveler: No I won't

Kumar: Ok. No problem. Guards!!

Traveler: What?

Kumar: Escort this gentleman out of this universe and make sure that he pays for the reservation of the room.

Traveler: Ok. Lord Eerie Appan!!

Kumar: The great Lord sits on Dina Asura (Asura : demon in Indian)

Traveler: Do you call Dinosaur as Dina Asura?

Kumar: No you call DINA ASURA as Dinosaur.

Traveler: Ok.
Kumar: Take the Lords blessings

Traveler: Ok.

Kumar: Now you see your stay would be so nice.

Traveler: Tell me something. What do you have here?

Kumar: Oh Ok!! We have people

Traveler: Something to see, some attractions

Kumar: The unique thing about our Universe is that we don't have any attraction. Our people attract attention
wherever they go.

Traveler: Like

Kumar: Like in your Universe Jesus got crucified himself to save humanity.

Traveler: Yes.

Kumar: In our Universe we crucify everyone to save money.

Traveler: But why?

Kumar: You must have heard the idiom "Save for the rainy day"

Traveler: Yes

Kumar: Here it rains very often and so we need to save very often

Traveler: Interesting. What other things do you people have?

Kumar: We love to stare

Traveler: What? Is that good.

Kumar: Its very good. If you know that everyone else is staring at you , you would think twice before committing any
crime

Traveler: Yes

Kumar: So we have no crime.

Traveler: Wow!

Kumar: We have no rules in this Universe

Traveler: Now how is that good.

Kumar: It is very good. If there are rules then people break them but if there aren't any then people maintain control

Traveler: Whatever? What do you all do?

Kumar: We all act in films.

Traveler: All

Kumar: We love films. We love to be in them , watch them , trash them , and burn them. Every one of us is a film buff

Traveler: So.

Kumar: So as our films are 10 hrs each , we don't have time to do anything else.

Traveler: And what else?

Kumar: Rest of the time we are eating. The men generally do the house work and women generally inspect the work
done.

Traveler: Wow!!

Kumar: Real peace.

Traveler: I want to see Taj Mahal

Kumar: Wow Taj Mahal epitomizes the spirit of India

Traveler: How?

Kumar: In all the Universe a woman can only make the man spend till she is alive but here the queen bankrupted
him after her death also.

Traveler: Look I need to hurry up and leave.

Kumar: Wait let me take a photo with you!!

Traveler: Sure

Kumar: Hail Lord Eerie Appan

Traveler: Hail Lord Eerie Appan. Sitting on a Dina Asura. The creature has left your god but your god still has you.
The Chinese Universe

Mr. Qing: Welcome to the Chinese Universe!!

Traveler: Oh! I build this machine to enter other Universe and I keep on landing here.

Mr. Qing: Yes because there are only two universes in the Multiverse. The Universe and the Chinese Universe and
ours is a lot cheaper.

Traveler: Why am I not surprised? So is there any place to eat?

Mr. Qing: I must say that first you should drink this potion.

Traveler: Why?

Mr. Qing: It would reduce your height. You see in the Chinese Universe everyone is shorter than Chinese.
Traveler: No way.

Mr. Qing: You must have heard the proverb "In Rome do as the Romans do", here we have a proverb

"In Chinese Universe the Government does you".

Traveler: And if I say no then.

Mr. Qing: Well you have the right to say NO . We respect your rights.

Traveler: Wow!!

Mr. Qing: We reserve the right to shoot you if you say NO though and if we don't exercise

Our rights the people of your Universe would complain that we don't have rights. So your choice ..

(Traveler drinks the potion and his height is reduced)

Traveler: Now are you satisfied. I am of lesser height than you.

Mr. Qing: Thank you Sir. Welcome to the Chinese Universe. Let me guide you through it.

Traveler: How did the Chinese Universe came in to existence?

Mr. Qing: God made a Universe and the Chinese first made a replica of it and then made a even better Universe in
less time and cost.

Traveler: Wow!

Mr. Qing: God told us that he build his Universe in much less cost than us. We got pissed off because of that and
said to God "Up yours , we don't believe in you".

Traveler: How did you make it?

Mr. Qing: We made it from the BIG BANK

Traveler: I have heard of Big Bang but not Big Bank

Mr. Qing: Well before Columbus came to America the natives had a lot of money and they used to store it in place
called BIG BANK. So when the Spanish came in the Natives wanted a safe place and so they decided to create
another Universe. We told them we will manufacture it in least possible time and money and so we got the contract
and here we are.

Traveler: So the Mayans are here.

Mr. Qing: Yes.

Traveler: I have so many questions for them.

Mr. Qing: They speak only Mandarin. Can you speak Mandarin?

Traveler: No.

Mr. Qing: You should , it is a language which keeps you fit.

Traveler: How?

Mr. Qing: The amount of movement of eyebrows, face , throat, neck and other part of body to speak gives a lot of
exercise to the body. That is the reason we are so thin. And you need great memory to read and write , so your brain
is sharp too.

Traveler: Wow. Does everyone speak Chinese?

Mr. Qing: Yes. Even the animals.

Traveler: So animals can speak.

Mr. Qing: When we tried to eat animals in your Universe they never protested and so we thought that they really
wanted to be our food. But then will creating the new Universe we taught animals Chinese.

Traveler: Then what happened?

Mr. Qing: We all are vegetarians now.

Traveler: It is hard to believe it!! But you said that your Universe is better than God. How is that?

Mr. Qing: God doesn't practice what he preaches.

Traveler: What?

Mr. Qing: God says that we all should treat each other equally but he tolerates Capitalism. We don't , we are all
communist. In our Universe no matter what the appetite of the child is the mother gives equal food to all the children.
Because if the child eats as much food as he thinks he needs then he will grow up and plunder as much wealth as he
needs and then there will be inequality.

Traveler: Wow!!

Mr. Qing: Our Universe is full of humor.

Traveler: What humor?

Mr. Qing: For example we found out that different people find different things funny and so we shifted the onus of
bringing humor from the performer to the audience. So now whenever someone sneezes, falls of bench or sees a fat
man gulping noodles he or she has to laugh out and point towards them. Following that the person next to him should
laugh and so on. So in our world everyone is always smiling. We are really healthy...

Traveler: So what if doesn't laugh?

Mr. Qing: Then the authorities catch him and make him eat bread for dinner.

Traveler: What?

Mr. Qing: Eat bread with Chopsticks. We programmed everyone to eat rice and noodles and hate bread. So eating
bread is a punishment.

Traveler: What else is there?

Mr. Qing: In our Universe there is no war.

Traveler: Now that is an achievement.

Mr. Qing: We made our leaders immortal and only they are ruling us. So there are no elections, no power struggle
anything. We just focus on development.

Traveler: Genius!!

Mr. Qing: We use Herbal Tea with Ginseng as fuel and so we solved our energy needs. If you have more of it then
you can heck even drink it!!

Traveler:OK.

Mr. Qing: That was a joke and you didn't laugh. Now you are on our territory, you should obey our laws.

Traveler: Anything else.

Mr. Qing: In our Universe we banned official holidays.

Traveler: Now why is that good.

Mr. Qing: See if there is a holiday then all you do while working is think of a holiday. So we banned it and now
everyone knows there is no holiday and so they work.

Traveler: So what about taking wife and children out.

Mr. Qing: We now legally classify that as work and we have our laws to deal with it. Don't tell me men like going out
for hours together with their wives?

Traveler: Well I don't want to comment. If my wife hears it, I will be dead.
Mr. Qing: Don't worry here we maintain strict control over information. We decide what goes out and comes in this
Universe. You are safe.

Traveler: What about poverty, disease and other facilities?

Mr. Qing: Well there is no poverty as everyone gets the same salary. Well I don't know about the leaders but all
others do. We are able to treat all diseases though acupuncture. Our planes and trains run much faster than yours
and are much cheaper too.

Traveler: How does it travel faster?

Mr. Qing: Catapults. First we pull the train or plane back with great force and then adjust the trajectory. Once we
leave them then you should see the speed.

Traveler: Is it safe?

Mr. Qing: Why are your planes and trains safe?

Traveler: Well no.

Mr. Qing: No one is perfect you see. All you can get is things done in cheaper way.

Traveler: I want to go home now.

Mr. Qing: Wait our engineers are a little examining your machine .

Traveler: You are going to make a replica.

Mr. Qing: Yes something like that .

Traveler: Why didn't ask my permission?

Mr. Qing: Where is the fun in that? Now don't complain that we don't have a sense of humor.
The Fanatics Universe

Fanatic: Sir , welcome to the Fanatic's Universe

Traveler: Thank you.

Fanatic: Would you like to have coffee?

Traveler: No. Thanks for the offer.

Fanatic: (yells): Kill this Infidel.

Traveler: What?

Fanatic: Relax it is joke.

Traveler: Ok.

Fanatic: We don't kill people just because they refuse our coffee.

Traveler: Wow

Fanatic: Now it would have been different if you would have refused our tea.

Traveler: Ok!! (This looks good)

Fanatic: Sir, don't touch anything without asking me. If anything explodes then don't blame we didn't warn you.

Traveler: So what does your Universe have?

Fanatic: Peace

Traveler: Well. Things look peaceful for sure.

Fanatic: Our Universe is an abode of peace. No wars, no strife, no conflicts...

Traveler: How did you achieve that?

Fanatic: It was very difficult you see. We had to struggle..

Traveler: Struggle.

Fanatic: Yes.

Traveler: Tell me more.

Fanatic: You see God created this Universe and just asked one thing from us.

Traveler: What?

Fanatic: To believe that he exists. But you know what everyone started believing that he exist.

Traveler: That's what God wanted.

Fanatic: Yes. But when everyone is a believer and believes in one thing than the belief is no longer a belief but
becomes a fact.

Traveler: Yes.

Fanatic: So when God does exists becomes a fact then there is no question of belief any longer.

Traveler: Yes.

Fanatic: So we were not doing the only thing that God wants us to do and that is to believe in him.
Traveler: I am sort of not getting you. So how is that related to peace.

Fanatic: So what happened is that some great people like me decided that there should be a group of people who
should not believe in God.

Traveler: So?

Fanatic: So we asked half of the people to go to the other side of the Universe and start not believing in God.

Traveler: Why would you do that?

Fanatic: So that the other half can become believers.

Traveler: Then, what happens about the other half who is not?

Fanatic: We rotate. Sometimes we are believers and sometimes they are.

Traveler: So people just agree to switch from believer to non believer

Fanatic: No, they don't. That is why I told you not to touch anything without asking me

Traveler: So, I didn't get it

Fanatic: Yes we fight, we bomb each other.

Traveler: Did you fight before you people split up?

Fanatic: No.

Traveler: Then, you had peace then and not now.

Fanatic: Exactly there is where you don't understand us.

Traveler: Please explain

Fanatic: When everyone was a believer then God became a fact and so there was no question of belief. So we didn't
have MENTAL PEACE , but yes peace was there on the outside but it didn't percolate inside. Now we fight but we
have mental peace, the believers fight to stay believer and so have mental peace and the non believers fight to
become believers and so they have mental peace.

Traveler: I can't believe this.

Fanatic: Wait till you believe this. We further have split a portion of believers who side with the non - believers and a
portion of the non - believers who secretly side with the believers and so that adds a spice to what fight. We fight
within you.. Oh what a noble thing to do..

Traveler: I am becoming late, I must leave now..

Fanatic: Wait is you a believer or non believer

Traveler: Which part of Universe it is?

Fanatic :(smiling): I won't tell you.

Traveler: Believer

Fanatic: KILL HIM!!

Traveler: What? No?

Fanatic: This is the Non Believer side of Universe

Traveler: Please leave me

Fanatic: Don't worry! We are from the faction of believers who tilt towards believer.

Traveler: Oh!! Thanks.

Fanatic: Got you.

Traveler: I almost forgot about the factions.

Fanatic: You should listen to us. You don't listen.

Traveler: I will remember

Fanatic: Remember all a Fanatic wants is peace

Traveler: Yes on your own terms!

Near Death Experience
After a plane crash a group of people from the plane land up before heavens gate and Saint Peters is waiting.

Gangster: First me?

Saint Peters: Go away. Later. I will call the cops. Sir.

Saint Peters: Next please. So you are a doctor?

Doctor: Yes.

Saint Peters: Welcome. You could be of great use to us.

Doctor: You bet!! I am a damn good doctor.

Saint Peters: Yes. We know. We know. Actually we need you to babysit a few children

Doctor: What? Why?

Saint Peters: Bastard !! Those aborted kids. Throw him in!!

Doctor: No!!

Gangster: You did the first right thing today.

Saint Peters: Mr. and Mrs. Sharma from India

Mr. Sharma: Yes.

Saint Peters: You will be allowed to stay here for 3 years. Then you need to back to hell and
Reapply. Well I think you need to go to hell first then stay there for a year or so before you come here.

Mrs. Sharma: What?

Saint Peters: Paperwork please. Next.

Gangster: You don't want me in and that Indian you are allowing for three years.

Saint Peters: Can you do programming?

Gangster: Once I broke the head of a programmer and that programmed him to pay me on time. So yes!!

Saint Peters: Next? Ghulam , Oh! so you are from Pakistan?

Ghulam: Yes.

Saint Peters: Ohh!! you have sent a lot of good people to heaven. Please welcome, come in.

Ghulam: Bullshit!! There is a trick here.

Saint Peters: No Sir.

Ghulam: Send me to hell.

Saint Peters: Why?

Ghulam: You can't treat me different just because of the size of ..

Saint Peters: No. Stop.

Ghulam: Size of my nation!! You can't treat me any different than India just because my nation is small in size. Send
me where Sharma went. Send me to hell!!

Saint Peters: No. You are our guest. You HAVE to enter heaven.

Ghulam: Why are you sending me to heaven? I didn't do anything. You can't blame the entire Pakistan for the
mistake of few.

Saint Peters: God was going to fire me because people used to sin and then go to hell. So God said we don't need
so much staff around here if there are no guest. But you sent many people to heaven before they could sin so. Sir
you have to go to heaven.

Ghulam: Ok. You are convincing. Bring that Indian to heaven and make me their neighbor.

Saint Peters: Yes Sir.

(Mr. Sharma and Mrs. Sharma come to Ghulam)

Mr. Sharma: Thank you Ghulam.

Mr. Sharma (to his son): Don't talk to him. He is Pakistani.

Mr. Sharma (to Ghulam): Thank you. We will see you.

Mr. Sharma (to his son): Run fast and reserve the biggest house.

Gangster: You take that terrorist Ghulam in heaven and not me.

Saint Peters: Sir please stand away or I will call the cops.

Saint Peters: Next , Oh!! you both couples look beautiful. Can you introduce yourself?

Mr. Robinson and Takinawa: I am Robinson and she is my wife Takinawa.

Mr. Stuart and Takinawa's Mom: Good Morning!! You are just so handsome Saint Peters. I am Stuart and this is my
wife Takinawa.

Saint Peters: What is your age?

Takinawa: 20 years

Saint Peters: You both girls seem related.

Takinawa: She is my mother.

Saint Peters(Looking at mother): What's your age?

Takinawa's Mom: 21

Gangster: Now they are lying. Look at the age difference.

Saint Peters: No they are not. The Mom is elder than the daughter, it doesn't matter what
the difference in age is.

Gangster: Look the girls are lesbians and boys are in to each other. So they paired up because you won't take
homosexual. The daughter was not exactly resting her mouth on her mothers chest. We know!!

Saint Peters: Shut up!! They are just perfect. Yes there is a little male to male bonding in them and a little chemistry
in the girls. But you know what you are a liar.
Gangster: Where is my lawyer?

Saint Peters: All lawyers are in hell.

Saint Peters: Next. So you are Jews?

Jewish Rabbi Group: Yes.

Saint Peters: Look you people have some connection in the upper echelons of heaven. So you have a choice
question?

Jewish Rabbi Group: Yes.

Saint Peters: You might want to write it down. It has two choices.

Jewish Rabbi Group: Yes.

Saint Peters: The question is : Which place you want to go?

CHOICE A) A place where there is peace and absolutely no prosecution of Jews.

CHOICE B) A place where there is no peace and Jews are prosecuted.

Jewish Rabbi Group: Choice B.

Saint Peters: Send them to hell.

(Jewish Group is happily going)

Gangster: Excuse me guys , even after the Genocide you still want to have the choice B.

Jewish Rabbi Group: Historically wherever there is no peace and persecution we have made money.
So that is the correct choice.

Gangster: They are mad.

Saint Peters: And predictable. There is no Jew who has made the choice A. They should take
out this question.

Saint Peters: Next please. Oh!! let me see who is here. The lonely Arab guy.

Arab guy: Heh!!

Saint Peters: You are still in one piece.

Arab guy: I didn't blow up the plane.

Saint Peters: I didn't say anything. You will be entering heaven and have your 72 virgins after a 10000 years.

Arab guy: What why should I wait that long?

Saint Peters: Yes because they are passed along.

Arab guy: What?

Saint Peters: There are only 72 virgins and we pass them along.

Arab guy: Are they virgins now.

Saint Peters: They were when heavens got created. So relax.

Saint Peters: Next !! Oh! the lovely Russian couple.

Russian Couple: We cannot speak English.

Saint Peters: Well man goes to hell and woman to heaven. Next.

Russian Man: But.

Saint Peter: If you speak anything more I will send her Mom to hell with you. Grab the case of Vodka. You already
had your heaven on earth, so she won t come with you. Next !!!

Russian Man: I protest. What's my fault?

Saint Peters: Seeing you drunkards enjoying your hot girlfriends the Americans became cold to their wife and that
started the COLD WAR. That is your fault.

Saint Peters: Next please. Oh! my dear amigos. Hola!! This is simple. All the carpenters , cobblers , locksmith and
other skilled people line up you are required in heaven. Rest go to hell.

Amigos: What?

Saint Peters: Should I call the cops?

Amigos: No.

Gangster: Now no one is there.

Saint Peters: All are gone. Didn't you recognize me?(Removes his wig and mask)Now.

Gangster: Anthony, my friend are you Saint Peters?

Saint peters: For today. The real Saint Peters had to .. lets see meet the virgins. So I did him a favor...

Gangster: I want to go back to my Momma...

Saint Peter: Sure thing ... I will press this button and you will be back..

Gangster: What about the White guys? You didn't ask them.

Saint Peters: They don't matter. They just need a sofa and coke and they can be anywhere.
We don't bother about that minority.

Gangster: What about the Chinese?

Saint Peters: They are communist and so they don't believe in God or Heaven. We don't know what happens to
them still. There is one secret which even God doesn't know and that is what happens to the souls of atheist. Now go
back before they bury you..

The only person who survived the plane crash was a black guy and this is what he wrote about his
Near Death Experience. Nobody believed it and some said that is a living experience for him.
The Presidents Idea

President: I have a brilliant idea

Advisor: As always , you always have brilliant ideas. You just don't need us do you?
President: Even you have ideas sometimes just that they are not that illuminating
Advisor: Illuminating?
President: Bright!! See I didn't want to hurt your feeling so I used the word "Illuminating"
Advisor: What is it?
President: I am thinking of granting all Indians in USA , the citizenship
Advisor: Why?
President: I am planning to get a million or so from India too.
Advisor: So nice of you, they will be very happy. So you wish to improve the relantioship of this country with India.
President: Thats all you can think of. Our relationship is good with all countries.
Advisor: Yes our battleships and bases ensure that ..
President: Yes , but this is my master plan
Advisor: I am all ears.
President: So if the Indians get citizenship they will all settle on the Coast.
Advisor: Yes, that is where the jobs are
President: So within a year or so there would be only Indians on the coast.
Advisor: Yes , Of Course. But what would that accomplish?
President: So when the Chinese ships land on our coast to invade us they will find Indians there.
Advisor: Yes , they will...
President: So the Chinese will think they crossed all these oceans and took this trouble to invade India when it is right
across the mountains..
Advisor: So ..
President: The Chinese government would hang their military leaders for the botched operation and we will be
victorious.
Advisor: Yes , with people at the helm our country is safe. You are great Mr President.
President: I know , I know ..