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University Counselling Service
Participants Handout
University Counselling Service
Conflict & Assertiveness
Participants Handout
University Counselling Service
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Overview
Summary
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Group Rules
What is a Conflict?
A disagreement
Between parties (more then one party)
One person, or parties perceive a threat to their
Needs, Values, Interests, Concerns
FACT
VINC
Values, Interests,
Needs, Concerns
Conflict Responses
Behavioural
What Im doing?
Physical
Emotional
What I sense
What Im feeling?
in my body?
Cognitive
What Im thinking?
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Sources of Conflicts
Conflict Style
COMPETITION COLLABORATION
(Offensive, aggressive, misusing (Both parties can express their
power) needs and values)
COMPROMISE
(meeting in the middle, search for
a solution)
Assertiveness
AVOIDANCE ACCOMODATION
(Ignoring, do not deal with the
(Agreement, confirming)
issues)
Cooperation
University Counselling Service Group Program Conflict & Assertiveness 8
Curtin University of Technology Session 1
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Overview
Communication Styles
Techniques for
Assertiveness
Body Language
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Communication Styles
Communication Styles
Doesnt meet own need Balances own need Puts own need first,
Considers priorities and tells others off
acts on it
I am wrong, you are I am right, you are I am right, you are
right. right. wrong
I am okay, your are
I am not okay, you are I am okay; you are not okay
okay. okay. You get what you want
at the expense of
Doesnt get what you Often you get what you others but often your
want want deeper needs
(acceptance) are not
met and anger and
Frustration and Anger frustration build up
University Counselling Service Group Program Conflict & Assertiveness 15
Curtin University of Technology Session 1
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Communication continuum
Culture
Self-esteem
Self-confidence
Self-efficacy
Anxiety
Assertiveness techniques
I Language
Say what you mean
Be direct
Communicate calmly
Saying yes when you mean it
Feedback
Respect others rights
Use facts
Negotiate
Timing
Listen actively
Consistent persistence
Behavioural rehearsal
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Body Language
Overview
I-Messages
Broken Record
Active Listening
Feedback
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Assertiveness techniques
I Statement
Broken record
Active listening
I Statement
Broken record
Time-out
Avoid red herrings
Dealing with guilt
Avoid unnecessary apologies
Direct negative feedback
Selective ignoring
Disarming anger
Ill let you know
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Broken Record
Broken record
Make a request
Broken record
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Active Listening
Concentration
Focusing on the speaker
Listening to the
Eliminating distractions
whole message
Active Listening
get information
Summary
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Conflict & Assertiveness
People have different needs, values, interests and concerns. It is not a question whether
thats right or wrong. It is a question of whether we are willing to verbalise them and
how we do so. Lack of awareness of these differences can often result in a clash of
goals.
Sometimes the differences are not obvious and we dont even recognise they exist.
Arguments result when we are convinced that our opinion is right and we focus on
providing reasons to push our point of view. At the beginning of a rising conflict we often
meet moments of argument. It can be healthy to argue and to discuss options because it
clears the air between people, ensures everyone knows each others position, and
provides opportunities for change.
A conflict is a disagreement between two or more persons whereby one person perceives
a threat to their needs, values, interests, concerns. Communication takes place on two
levels, rational and emotional. The rational level consists of all facts, while the emotional
level is comprised of our values, needs, interests, and concerns underlying the surface.
Every one interprets messages differently and sends messages differently; therefore
the potential for misunderstanding and confusion is high. Often arguments start because
we havent begun by stating our own interests or values. This is also often the case when
we are asked to define the issues. In order to prevent conflicts it is important that we
understand our own responses and are aware of our values, interests, needs, and
concerns. If we are able to clearly communicate these needs we are likely to be able to
prevent conflicts. It is also important to ensure that we address our issues with the
person whom it concern. If we are able to use even just one of these strategies we will
be better able to prevent conflict and resolve the issues with the person in question.
A new roster
Kevin, a manager of a team of 12 staff members developed a new roster system because
the old system did not work anymore. In fact; it never was a good system to start with
since everyone could come and go as they pleased. Kevin often discussed the system with
his team and asked them for their opinions. He reminded them of the impact this
inefficient system has on their every day work. For example he stated that the missing
roster affected their work as a team, only 6 out of 12 staff members attended the
team meetings and often they were not used for professional discussions. He suggested
his poor team work was reflected in the lack of service to all clients who need their
every day support.
In the past Kevin used to discuss everything with his staff in the hope to get more
professional understanding. He thought it would be best to involve his team members in
all of his decisions. After a lot of complaints from clients he decided to behave like a
manager and make some decisions on his own. (e.g. stronger, top down decision). His
primary goal is to organise every day in terms of service hours provided to his clients. To
do this he needs to develop an efficient roster system and ensure that all his staff
members work with it. . He wrote a letter to everyone in his team and asked them to
start working with the new roster tomorrow. Nobody followed his directions except
Maria. Kevin asked her for feedback. She agreed that the new roster was needed to
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Conflict & Assertiveness
bring more structure into the team and ensured Kevin that the new roster would lead to
more efficient team work.
Here is an example of a conversation between two staff members, Maria and Marc.
Marc: Did you get the letter from Kevin about the roster? (Comes into her
office)
Maria: Yes, why do you ask? (Sitting in front of her desk)
Marc: I tell you what; I dont want to work on this roster. He must be crazy to
decide it without asking us. (Voice is getting louder, takes place beside
her chair)
Maria: I want to work on this roster. I think he is the manager and he is able to
decide things like that on his own. (Looks strait ahead to the desktop)
Marc: You are so stupid. We will all lose our say. Its so unprofessional to
behave like that. I cant understand Kevin.
Maria: I thought you would respond like this. You are so inflexible. It doesnt
matter what the problem is, your attitude is always the same. Every time
we want to change something or try something new, you are against it.
(Turned her chair and talks face to face to Marc)
Marc: Thats not true. Im not the only one. Ask the others. They dont want this
new roster. You are the only person in here who agrees to everything
Kevin wants us to do.
Maria: Your behaviour is quite annoying. You are not able to have a productive
discussion or accept other peoples opinions. I will talk to Kevin about it.
(Turned her chair and started to write some notes)
Marc: I cant believe it; you are not willing to work in a team. Maybe its better
for you to change team. (Goes to the door and left shouting her office)
Maria: You are a bloody fool. I will not continue this discussion with you. Your
abilities to communicate are below any acceptable level. I wonder
whether your clients are happy to talk to you. We will see how Kevin
responds to it. (Shouted after him)
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Conflict & Assertiveness
A new roster.
The manager developed a new roster system.
Everyone of his team has to comply with it.
Here is an example of a conversation between two staff members.
Stay on Move on
Nothing to change something to change
Position: I dont want to work on a new roster Position: I want to work on a
new roster
New
roster
Marc
FACT Maria
VINC
Values, Interests,
Needs, Concerns
Position: Im not able to get up early every Position: Im happy to start early every
day. day.
Value:
Flexibility is one of the most important Value:
things at work. I think everyone has the same right. Its
Interest: only fair that all start at the same time.
I want to start later. I prefer a more Fairness is one of the most important
flexible system. things at work.
Need: Interest:
I need to sleep in one day/week. I want to be the next one who is up to the
Concern:
If we change the roster I get bored.
Need:
I prefer the same structure every day.
Concern:
If Im not doing what my boss want me to
do I wont get the new task.
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Conflict & Assertiveness
A disagreement means that there are levels of differences in positions of two or more
persons. Take a few moments and read the conflict example A new roster.
Marc and Maria are having a disagreement. Maria wants to work on roster; Marc doesnt
want to do it. Its a disagreement between two different positions.
Thats the true disagreement between Marc and Maria; they are having different
opinions. If you read the conversation between them again, you will see that both of
them are leaving the level of the true facts. They are discussing completely different
issues to that.
Human communication takes places in two levels, rational and emotional. As you can see it
in our model there are also two levels. One level includes all facts. The other level
contents our values, needs, interests, and concerns.
Every one can interrupt messages differently. And every one of us sends different
meanings. We tend to start new arguments without stating our own interests, or values.
In our example Marc and Maria are two of 12 staff members; they are a part of a social
system. At the beginning Maria doesnt have a conflict to work on a new roster. But she
is influenced by Marcs responding whether she would or not. Based on her own
perception of the ongoing issues she takes side in this dispute.
Marc is facing this conflict. To him is it a kind of threat. If you read his values, needs,
interests, or concerns you will get an understanding why he used to start an arguing. But
he doesnt address it to Kevin, he addresses it to Maria. He expects that Maria to
support his opinion. But he recognises that she has a completely different opinion. He is
angry about it, because he wants all other staff members to be against this new roster,
system.
Marc doesnt communicate his real needs, values, interest and concerns.
We are more likely to do the same when we have to define the problem. Often there is a
threat to our own needs.
In our example it could happen, that Marc cant attend his yoga class anymore.
To prevent conflicts its important to get an understanding of our own responding and to
be aware of our values, interests, needs, and concerns. If we are able to state one of
these needs we will be able to prevent conflicts. Address your interests to the person
who has to do with it. If we are able to identify at least one of these components, we
will be better able to present conflictsand address our concerns with the person whom
we are in conflict with.
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Conflict & Assertiveness
General tips
Recognise your own behavioural style.
Recognise your upcoming feelings.
Remind yourself it comes from your perception and be prepared that other
people probably do not see an issue.
Know about your hot buttons and warnings signs.
Acknowledge your judgements and separate them from the other person you are
in conflict with.
How to respond?
Speak only on your behalf.
Communicate your own needs and feelings.
Do not blame other people, or confront them in public.
Pay attention to other peoples view.
Listen for upcoming ideas to solve the matter, or to improve dealing with
difficulties.
Take notes to follow up.
Use the persons name.
Repeat important points.
Give the other time to respond.
Do not interrupt one another.
Do not finish other persons sentence.
Active Listening
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Concentration
Focusing on the
Eliminating speaker Listening to the
distractions whole message
Communication styles
Humans are social animals and therefore it is through communication that we are
able to interact and relate to others.
Communication is a 2-way street it involves the sender and the receiver/s. Both
parties can be influenced by many factors.
Communication includes not only what we say and/or write but also, our tone,
gestures, and mannerisms that we portray. Communication encompasses all of these
aspects. Also, it is important to remember that messages are delivered within a
context, and contexts are ever-changing in a dynamic manner. Many people are not
aware of some aspects of communication. Thus, many of us are not aware of exactly
what we may be communicating to others that is, the message sent is not always
the message received.
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Conflict & Assertiveness
We learn to communicate primarily through our experiences with the social world
around us, which may involve the influence of parents/significant others, teachers,
peers and society. Many of us are taught that we should always please others, that
it is not OK to consider our needs above others, that we shouldnt make waves, that
we should just stay away from people who do or say something to hurt us rather than
address it with them and that it is better to avoid confrontations. Implicit in this
is consideration of cultural norms (e.g., Wood & Mallinckrodt, 1990).
Continuum of Communication
It is important to consider that sometimes, such behaviours show not only a lack of
respect for our own needs, but also a lack of respect for the other person it assumes
that they cant cope, adjust, and/or consider your thoughts, feelings, needs.
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Conflict & Assertiveness
That is, it involves saying/acting with the intent of This is what I think. This is what I
feel. This is my view of things. Thus, it involves expressing ones feelings and thoughts
honestly in a socially appropriate manner, thus respecting the rights, thoughts and
feelings of others and oneself.
Say what you mean. Be clear and specific about what you feel, need, and think. Give
your reasons for what you want. The following statements project this preciseness:
o I want to
o I dont want you to
o Would you?
o I liked it when you did that.
o I have a different opinion, I think that
o I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons,
but I am disturbed about these aspects for these reasons.
It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you dont mean, such
as I dont want to break up over this, but Id like to talk it through and see if we can
prevent it from happening again.
Be direct deliver the message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want
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Conflict & Assertiveness
to tell Jane something, tell Jane; do not tell everyone except Jane; do not tell a
group, of which Jane happens to be a member.
Communicate calmly without attacking another person and stick to the point.
Only say yes if you mean it and say no when you mean no rather than agreeing
with something just to please someone else.
Ask for feedback. Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you
want to do? Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any
misperceptions you may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing
an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear,
direct, and specific in their feedback to you
Always respect the rights and point of view of the other person. Be empathic and
tactful. Acknowledge others feelings when appropriate. For example, saying You
seem upset by what Ive said, and checking whether this is an accurate perception.
Use facts, not judgements. For example, instead of Your work is really sloppy say,
Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent
Be aware of timing.
o Use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact. Say what you want when
it is an issue. Speak up when the issue is hot. Try not to wait until the issue isnt
important any more, or keep a list of all the things that bother you so that the
pressure builds up over time.
o However, sometimes it may be better to wait until you calm down before you speak
up. Alternatively, you may need to wait until the other person has calmed down.
For example, if you have become very annoyed by another persons behaviour while
out in public, you may want to wait until you are alone together before you speak
up.
o Timing then, needs to be carefully considered. On the one hand, you need to speak
up when the issue is hot so that you dont miss the opportunity. On the other
hand, you need to speak when things are calm and when its appropriate.
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Behavioural rehearsal. Practise how you want to look and sound. This can be
particularly helpful when you are first practising assertiveness communication
techniques.
Body Language
Copied from: http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/career_and_jobs/article4205754.ece
Posture
Non-assertive postures include slouching, hunching shoulders, shuffling or marching
around like a whirlwind, hiding you face behind your hair, your mouth behind your hand,
cocking your head to one side or standing off balance (especially with your hands clasped
behind your back).
Walk steadily, holding your back straight and your head up. Relax your shoulders and
spread your weight evenly on both legs.
Try to be at the same physical height as the other person. If they are sitting in a higher
chair, you may decide to stand up or lean against the radiator. If you are both standing
and the other person is taller, why not suggest sitting.
Distance
Learn what is the most comfortable distance for you. Allow yourself enough room to feel
at ease and move when/if necessary.
Try always to approach someone directly (and not to sidle up to them). Then sit or stand
directly in front of them. Try not to talk across someone's desk. Do not be afraid to
move chairs to a position where you will be more equal. Do not be frightened to move
nearer, to directly approach someone, particularly when saying something important, be
sure to be near enough to be heard clearly without shouting.
Eyes
Do not try to talk to someone who has their back to you, who is watching television or
who is reading a newspaper. Make sure you have the person's full attention.
Try to look directly at the other person when you are making an assertive statement or
request but avoid 'eye-balling' or allowing yourself to be 'eye-balled'.
Mouth
Be aware of thrusting forward shoulders, jaw, chin. This communicates aggression
and/or tension (even though the words may be the same when assertive or aggressive,
the mouth may give a stronger or contradictory message).
Do you smile to disguise nervousness or when expressing anger? This gives rise to a
mixed message or 'body leakage', a clue that gives away the real feelings of the speaker
despite attempts to control and disguise them.
Voice
Whispers and very loud voices are out! Try to strike a balance.
Practice using the high and low registers of your voice - breathing and relaxation will
help.
Subtle changes in pitch and tone can indicate so much. Do you whine or plead sometimes?
Is your voice tinged with an apologetic tone sometimes, or is it a sarcastic or hostile
one?
Try to speak slowly, audibly and calmly. Gabbled words confuse people and can result in
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Gestures
Do you constantly twiddle your hair? Claps and unclasp your hands? Bite your fingernails?
Fiddle with jewellery or watch?
When you do, you are conveying tension and nervousness (even though that might not be
how you are feeling). The same impression is given use using 'filler' words such as
'actually' or 'you know' which are only verbal twiddling.
Small changes in your gestures an make and enormous difference to how you feel and
consequently to how you are perceived by others.
Appearance
Our appearance says a lot about how we feel about our bodies as well as the mood we
may be in. The colours we wear, the clothes we wear for a particular occasion all say
something about us.
Feeling assertive can have the effect of making you want to express yourself clearly via
your appearance. Feeling good about your appearance can sometimes help to encourage
assertive feelings. It is nothing to do with being 'pretty' or dressing up to please
others. Finding a personal style, discovering things that express your personality and
make you feel comfortable and confident do not need a lot of money or time, just a
belief that you are worth knowing and caring about.
Small things can add up to make and overall impression. Focus on the tiny details (eyes,
gestures, etc.) and by making minor adjustments you an produce major changes in your
overall effectiveness and communication.
Use open, confident and secure body language. Stand upright, but in relaxed manner
with your hands open.
Stay calm.
Maintain direct eye contact. This shows interest and sincerity. By looking at
someone directly in the face you will reinforce the importance of what you are
saying.
Use appropriate gestures to help add emphasis but not dismissive ones.
Keep your voice calm and fairly soft, not whiney or abrasive. Maintain a level, well-
modulated tone that is convincing and acceptable, rather than intimidating.
Carefully choose where, when and how you choose to comment.
Actively listen to the other persons perspective. Hear and understand the other
persons point of view, validating the other persons feelings, asking for clarification
etc. Tune in to the other person by stopping other activities and ignoring other
activities. Attend to the message by using eye contact if possible, and try to
understand what the other person is saying by thinking about the underlying message
and the feeling behind the words.
Maintain a pleasant but serious facial expression.
Match your spoken and non-verbal messages.
Dont fidget or mumble.
Dont use sarcasm or put-downs.
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Refusing requests
Refusing requests is difficult because you dont want to let others down. However, if
you said yes to every request, you would soon run out of time. What are some reasons
why you do not say no:
Some thoughts that may go through your mind may be If I am a true friend, then I
cant say no. Or, you may worry about looking as if you are rejecting the person. If
you have thoughts like these, it may be because you are confusing the person with the
request. Remember that friendship involves giving, but not endless giving.
You may not like to say no because you dont want a confrontation, so it may be easier
in the short-term. However, in the long term, it may make things harder for you if you
say yes because you may resent the person for making the request, or you may resent
yourself for not refusing. You may also worry about being asked again. In this instance,
you may want to explain why you refused this time.
Its important to be direct when refusing requests. If you use excuses, you may find it
difficult to get out of something. It would be more helpful to use an explanation rather
than an excuse.
Explanations reveal something about yourself. Explanations account for your reasons
and actions. In this way, explanations are important in close relationships because they
help others to understand something about you.
Making requests
Again, its important to be direct. For example, if you want your partner to do the
dishes, it is better to ask him/her than to make a lot of noise banging about in the
kitchen. You also need to give the person an opportunity to say no. For example, you
may say I can understand if you cant say yes. Timing and tact are important when
making requests.
Broken record: Keep repeating the message until the person gets your message.
Time-out: It may be possible to defuse the situation by calling for time-out. For
this to work, you need to both agree beforehand that either one of you can call
time-out when necessary.
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Avoid red herrings: Often, people try to confuse you by mentioning unrelated
or irrelevant points. For example, a friend may say to you:
Some friend you are if you cant go out tonight!.
You can say:
I am your friend, its just that Ive got something planned for tonight.
Selective ignoring: This refers to situations when you choose not to respond to
inappropriate aspects of another persons communication to you. This can also be
helpful when someone keeps criticising you for something that happened in the
past.
Ill let you know: When you have been in the habit of always saying yes and
are learning to say no, it can be helpful to give yourself more time to think
about your rights and wishes. Here it can be helpful to say:
Ill get back to you about that tomorrow, or
Ill need to check my diary and let you know later, or
I need to think about it.
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Broken record
Copied from http://www.gp-training.net/training/leadership/assertiveness/broken.htm
This is a technique to use when you are clear about what you want to say and you want
this to be known. It helps you to avoid getting angry, helps in situations of conflict and
when others are not listening to your expressed feelings or opinions. It is also useful
when you are asking questions for clarification or when people are trying to take
advantage of you. The BROKEN RECORD is a good way to deal with red herrings,
attempts to steer you away from the point, guilt tripping and manipulation.
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Summary
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Body language
Non assertive Assertive Aggressive
Bent, crooked posture Stands straight Tensed, stiff posture,
Blank face, no movement Maintains eye contact Leans forward
Looking down, looking away Clear and steady voice Red face, frowning,
Low voice, hesitant when speaking Speaks fluently Staring
Restless gestures Fast voice
Pointing fingers
Techniques
I Statement Broken record Say NO
To use when To use when To use when
- Always! - Conversation gets stuck. - You dont want do what
- To own your message. - Repeating the same again and other people want you to
- To accept the responsibility for again. do.
your own emotions and needs. - You think you are not getting
what you want.
How to do How to do How to do
- Keep the focus on the problem. - Keep saying what you want. - Say no and give an
- Address your message to whom - Stick to your point. explanation of your
it is intended. feelings, concerns and
- Ensure your message is clear. reasons.
- I feel (describe your - Finish your statement
feeling) when you . (describe with Thank you for
a behaviour) because asking me. if it is
(describe the effect). appropriate.
Example Example Example:
You: I felt ignored when you left You: Im not satisfied with the Request: Can you read the draft of
the room within our discussion, outcome; I would like to bring it my research article and give me
because I am worried that I cant up again. some comments on it?
address my concern. Reply: There is no time left to You: No, I feel much pressured
Reply: Oh, sorry. This wasnt my discuss it again. at the moment, because I
intention to make you feel that way. I You: I know, but I would like to already committed to read
havent been aware of my behaviour. discuss it again, Im sure we will another paper. Thank you for
find some time. thinking of me.
Reply: Look, we discussed
everything; I see no point for further
discussion.
You: Im convinced we will find
time. Lets have a look in our
diaries.
Reply: Well, if you can come in half
an hour back then I will have some
time.
You: Thank you, I see you in 30
minutes.
Please refer to: Assertive modules @ Centre for Clinical Intervention +++ Assertiveness pocketbook
by Max Eggert +++ University Counselling Service @ Curtin
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1 Compiled from: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by E. J. Bourne, and from: The Treatment of Anxiety Disorders, by G.
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Notes
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Conflict & Assertiveness
Get professional advice in dealing with conflicts as well as use the UCS if you
need a Mediator to solve a conflict.
Ask for further information on conflict counselling or mediation.
Attend workshops related to dealing with conflicts, or assertiveness
(register online).
Address any further training request. The Counselling Service also
offers developing conflict trainings for your area.
Participants Handout
University Counselling Service
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