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AMATEUR INVESTIGATOR
THE END
2
THE END
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JUSTICE
BOTTLED UP
THE END
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HORRORS OF MEMORY
M OM ? M OTHER ?
Mildred suddenly woke up. Oh, Karen. Im so
glad youre here. She checked to see if her
roommate was okay. The bed was empty. There was
no trace of the woman.
Whats the matter?
There was a woman in that bed last night. And
this orderly came in and disconnected all her life
supportand killed her.
What are you talking about, Mom?
I saw him doing it. So, I pushed the button to
call the nurse. But he covered my mouth and then
shot me up with something.
Do you realize how crazy you sound, Mom?
I dont careit really happened.
Alright. Fine. Let me go talk to the nurse.
Karen came back in five minutes. There was
never another patient in here with you, Mom. But
you were yelling in your sleep last night. So, they
gave you an extra dose of sleep medication.
Mildred was stunned. Her memory was finally
beginning to fail her. She hoped it was just a side
effect of the drugs they gave her during surgery.
When can I go home?
Youre already approved to go.
Good. Lets get out of here.
THE END
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SUDDEN FUTURE
THE END
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THE END
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IMPALA CRUISE
THE END
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MEMORY BANK
THE END
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PRINCE OF PUMPKINSHIRE
SMILEY FROWNER
THE END
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THE END
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MARGIN OF ERROR
H ELLO ?
Ten is not enough.
Lucinda jumped up from her desk, hurried to the
door and closed it. Thats was the deal.
You said there were less than a dozen. The
numbers more like sixteen. Ive taken care of eleven.
So, Im done. And I want my money.
No, thats not good enough. They all have to go.
It doesnt do me any good unless every one of them
is off the street.
Then youll pay me an extra ten.
What? No. Ill pay an extra five. Thats all.
Fine. Then you can get somebody else. But I
want my money today.
She couldnt pay him another ten-thousand
dollars. But where would she find somebody else to
take care of the last few bums? The mayor was
giving a speech on Thursday night. He wanted to be
able to claim success for cleaning up the streets. She
had to get it done.
Okay. Ill pay the extra ten. But youve got to
finish it tonight.
Done.
L UCINDA ROLLED over and stared at the glowing
numbers on her alarm clock. It was after three. She
wondered if he had finished the job.
Since she couldnt sleep anyway, she decided to
go for a drive. She passed Pappys. Yes! No more
homeless. Then she drove by a few of the other
popular homeless hangouts. They were all gone. She
couldnt believe it. How had he done it? What
difference did it make? They were all gone.
As she drove toward her apartment, Lucinda felt
a great sense of satisfaction. Now that the pressure
was off, she had a craving for a good cup of coffee
and a piece of pie. And she knew just where to get it.
She took a shortcut through the high school
parking lot on her way to Bills 24-Hour Coffee
Shop. It hadnt taken long to discover that Bill had
the best Apple pie in town.
But as she drove past the high school, she noticed
some-thing odd. In the moonlight, above the
building there was a cloud of smoke. Perhaps it was
just an optical illusion. Yes, she thought, it was
probably a cloud way off in the sky.
Lucinda stopped the car and rolled down her
window. It was no cloud. She could smell the
smoke.
She killed the engine and got out of the car. If
some kids were up to no good, she didnt want to
alert them to her presence until she could see who
they were and what they were doing.
She ran around to the back of the building to take
a look. The smoke was coming from the schools
incinerator. The gate was open. An old commercial
van was parked in front of the incinerator. The
engine was running, but the headlights were off.
A man walked around from the back of the van
with something across his shoulder. He carried it to
the incinerator and dumped it into the open hatch.
Then it hit her. Surely this is not the man I hired,
she thought. And surely the thing he just threw into
the incinerator was not a
The man walked to the back of the van, closed
the doors, and then went back to the incinerator to
close the hatch. He got into the van and drove away
with his headlights still off.
Once he was gone, Lucinda hurried over to the
incinerator. She found a crumpled paper bag on the
ground to use as an oven mitt. When she opened the
incinerator hatch, she gasped and jumped back from
the searing heat. Then she eased injust close
enough to see down inside.
A set of eyes in a burning face looked back at her.
The man must have been so full of drugs or alcohol
that he was just waking up to the excruciating pain
of the fire engulfing his body. He looked as if he was
trying to scream. Perhaps his vocal chords had
already burned away. His eyeballs suddenly burst
into flames.
Lucinda turned and vomited repeatedly.
When the queasiness began to subside she
turned around to close the hatch. Something shiny
on the ground caught her eye. She picked it up and
studied it in the light of the raging fire. It was a
silver necklace with a seven-sided silver charm that
had two letters in the center: AA. Undoubtedly, it
had belonged to one of the drunks who were now
being cremated. They should have stayed on the
program, she thought, as she put the necklace into
her pocket.
She closed the hatch and walked back around the
building, got into her car and drove away, praying
nobody had seen her.
Her craving for pie was gone.
THE END
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SANTA CLOSET
THE END
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MARY GOLDALORE
THE END
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KORY MANTRA
THE END
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THE END
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WRITER'S BLOCK
THE END
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BUCKTHIRSTY
THE END
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FACE TO FACE
SUN-POWERED CAR
THE END
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HEART OF GOLD
THE END
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DONORLOTTO
THE END
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LAYOFF RUMORS
THE END
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RECYCLE MAN
THE END
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CLASSICAL REVENGE
THE END
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THE END
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NURSE JEAN
THE END
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9 MINUTES TO 1960
THE END
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PARTY CLOWN
THE END
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MAGIC TEA
C OME IN , J EREMY .
Ive got a problem.
Nightmares.
Yes.
You need Magic Tea.
Jeremy had not dreamed anything while sleeping
in Madam Nowalls office. How does the tea help
with nightmares? How does it work?
Magic Tea make you forget.
Forget what?
She hesitated. You steal money. You kill man.
No. That was a dream. Jeremy gulped. How
did you know about my dream?
No dream. You really do it. I go to back room
while you sleep. I come out, you gonein car.
Youre telling me that I sleep-walked a bank
robbery?
Yes.
Then wheres the gunand the money? I dont
even own a gun.
I take care of money and gun. No evidence. I
protect you.
Jeremy was speechless.
Nobody ever know. You wear mask.
This is nuts. I should go to the police.
Okay. But you go to jailfor long, long time.
Jeremy pondered the seriousness of the situation.
But Ill never sleep again.
Yes, you will. I lie. You not rob bank. She
smiled.
Why did you tell me I did it? You scared me
half to death.
She did not respond.
Butif it was just a dream, how did you know
what I dreamt?
Yesterday, while you sleep, I have radio on.
Listen to news. Reporter say about bank robbery.
You hear while sleeping.
Jeremy breathed a sigh of relief. So, Im okay. It
was just a nightmarebecause of hearing the radio
while I was sleeping. I dont need the tea.
Yes, you do. To help you forget bad thing you
do.
What bad thing?
She hesitated.
Tell me. What bad thing?
You hit man with car. You dont stop to help.
Jeremys face turned pale. How did you know
about that? It was on a country road. Nobody saw. I
didnt tell anybody. And anyway, he was okay. He
didnt die.
He not die. But he in wheelchair. He never walk
againbecause you not go back, call for help.
Someone find him much later. Too late for doctor to
save leg.
Jeremys eyes began to well up. I know. I should
have stopped.
Now you live with it. That why you cant
sleep.
Jeremy hung his head.
That why you need Magic Tea. It help you
forget.
He bought ten bags.
THE END
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RESOLUTION
THE END
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SCREEN 13
THE END
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APRIL'S FOOL
Yeah.
Murder?
Yep.
Husband?
How did you guess?
The old woman grinned. Well, one look told me
you aint from the street. So, it had to be either the
husband or the boyfriend. She spit on the ground.
Bastards. What did he do to you?
Its a long story.
Good. Ive got plenty of time, Honey. And so do
you.
Okay. She took a deep breath and exhaled. It
all started one day during my senior year in high
school.
..
Does everybody have a date for the dance? I
said.
Johnny asked me last night, said Jennifer.
I wanted to go with him, said Heather.
What are talking about, Heather? I said.
Youre going steady with Andy.
I know. But Johnny could have asked me
anyway. I might have said yes.
Really? I said. Mind if I share that with
Andy?
Dont you dare, said Heather.
We laughed at Heather. April just ate her lunch
and listened. She never said much. April wasnt cool
enough to be part of our group, but we encouraged
her to sit with us at the lunch table so we could
make fun of her. She never seemed to mind.
What about you, April? I said. Who are you
going with?
She shrugged.
Nobodys asked you yet? I said.
No, she said. Im not really interested. I dont
know how to dance anyway.
Anybody can slow dance, I said.
The other girls agreed.
You just kind of walk around hugging, I said.
Wouldnt you enjoy some hot guy rubbing up
against you all over the dance floor?
April blushed.
It feels good, I said. Right, Heather?
Why are asking me? said Heather.
Because youre going steady, I said. You and
Andy must rub yourselves together all the time.
The other girls giggled.
So, April, if none of the boys are man enough to
ask you out, then you should just ask one of them.
I dont think so, said April.
Why not? I said. What could it hurt?
April hesitated. I dont know
How about Harry? I said, knowing he would
turn her down flat. He was one of the hottest guys in
school.
Jennifer elbowed me. She knew I wanted to go to
the dance with Harry.
I do like Harry, said April. Hes nice.
Dont you mean smoking hot? said Heather.
Well, there you go, I said. You like Harry, so
ask him to the dance.
I wouldnt know how, said April. I get too
nervous around boys.
Yeah, said Jennifer, giving me the evil eye,
she gets too nervous around boys. Just leave her
alone.
But I wouldnt give up. You know what you
need, April? An icebreaker.
What do you mean?
You need something to get a conversation
started with Harry. WaitI know. You could give
him a copy of that poem you wrote. You knowthe
one you read in class yesterday.
It was sweet and syrupyalmost gooey. The
lamest piece of poetry I had ever heard.
Yeah, I said, you should give him a copy. Put
his name on it, like you wrote it just for him. You
could slip it into his locker. And then, after hes had
a chance to read, you could ask him to the dance.
Im sure he would be so moved by your lovely poem
that he would jump at the chance to be your date.
Well, actually, I did write it for him.
I nearly lost my lunch. It would be such a perfect
prank. April would be humiliated.
We huddled together in the hallway as we
normally did between classes and pretended to be
gossiping while watching April approach Harry at
his locker.
Harry held up the paper with Aprils poem on it.
I had suggested that she douse it with perfume
something really potent.
None of us could read their lips or hear anything
they were saying. But when she turned around, we
saw tears running down her face. She hurried right
past us without a word. We laughed our butts off.
..
The old woman said, So, Harry asked you to the
dance instead, you ended up marrying him, and he
beat the hell out of you until you finally killed him.
No. Harry married April.
But I thought
when we saw April crying in the hallway that
daythose were tears of joy. Harry had asked her to
the dance because of that crappy poem. It made her
so happy that she started crying. Harry should have
been mine. Instead, I ended up with Jake. Harry was
my one true love.
But you lost him because your prank
backfired.
Yeah. I tried to make a fool out of April, but
instead I made myself Aprils Fool.
THE END
38
DREAMING DEBRA
W AKE UP , S LEEPYHEAD .
What a nice dream, I thought. Face to face with a
beautiful womanin bed. Her blonde hair glowed,
backlit by the morning sun.
You promised me a picnic today, and its nearly
11:00.
Wait. I knew this woman. It was Debrafrom
high school. I had a huge crush on her, but I never
asked her out. Too shy. Then I noticed her wedding
ring. I glanced at my left hand. Yes! Matching rings.
She placed her soft hand on my shoulder and
smiled. Last night was wonderful.
Oh, my God. We had made love last night? I
tried to remember it. How could I forget it?! Dont
overreact, I thought. Be cool. Dont wake yourself
up. This is too good. Yes, it was, Baby. Fantastic.
Well, lets get going. We can pack the lunch
together. Itll be fun.
Great, I thought. Im all in. But my body felt
heavy. I couldnt move. My eyes began to close.
Honey?
I couldnt help it. I was falling asleep. No! I
dont want to
I have no idea how long I was asleep. But when I
felt myself waking up, I began to get excited. The
picnic. With my beautiful wife, Debra. My eyes were
open, but everything looked blurry.
Finally. I thought youd never wake up.
Debras voice sounded funnylike she suddenly
got a bad cold. When my vision cleared, I was
shocked to seea man. A bum in ragged clothing
lying in bed with me. All at once I inhaled his rancid
breath, and recoiled in disgust. Who are you? And
wheres Debra?
Great. Now you dont even know my name.
Weve been together for nearly a year, and you dont
even know who I am. Thats pathetic, man.
I wanted to kick him out of my bed. Or find a
pistol or call the police. But I couldnt do any of
those things. I couldnt move. And my eyes were
closing.
The next time, I was afraid to open my eyes. But
the sweet fragrance in the air gave me hope.
Hey, Baby. Youre not trying to back out on our
picnic, are you?
My eyes popped open. There she was. Just as
before. Of course, not, Sweetie. This time I would
not fall back to sleep. I hopped out of bed. Im
ready to go.
Okay. But you might want to get dressed first.
Right.
Its gonna be a perfect day, she said.
Yes, it is. I walked into the bathroom, so happy
to be awake. To be walking around. I was good now.
And this was not a dream. It was real. What a life.
Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I
looked kinda funny. My skin looked soft. I rubbed
my hand across my face. Why was it so smooth?
Where were my morning whiskers? And when had I
let my hair grow so long?
I turned on the light to get a better look. I had
breasts! No!
Whats the matter, Honey?
Im a woman!
And you just now realized it?
I dont know whether I fell back to sleep or
fainted. But I awoke to something hitting the bottom
of my foot. The bottom of my shoe. Why was I
wearing shoes in bed?
Then I realized I wasnt in bed. I was lying in an
alley next to a dumpster.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a
handful of crumpled bills. The man bent down and
took the money out of my hand, and replaced it with
a small baggie. I held it up to my eyes. Drugs?
Was this my real life? Sleeping on cold concrete
in a stinky alley with my fellow druggies? No wife,
no home, no bed?
The man grinned at me. Enjoy.
No! I threw the baggie at him. Get away from
me!
Suddenly, my body was sucked up into a
tornado, and then abruptly spit out. At least thats
what it felt like. I was dizzy, disoriented.
The young guy leaned in. Be cool, man. No
problem. He put the baggie into his jacket pocket
and walked away.
I looked around and thought, what is this place?
My head began to clear. It was my high school
prom. Wait. Now it was coming back to me. Earlier
that night I had taken some pills. I got them from
that guythe one who just offered me the baggie.
Some of the cool guys were doing it, so I thought,
why not? How stupid. I decided it was time for me
to go home.
I turned around and bumped into a girl, causing
her to spill her glass of punch. Im so sorry.
Its okay, she said, checking her dress. I dont
think any of it got on me.
When she looked up, I got a lump in my throat. It
was Debra. I felt my face turn red.
She put her hand on my arm and smiled at me.
Really. Its okay.
It was now or never. Heyyou want to
dance?
What I was doing? Every kid in the room was
probably watchingseeing me make a fool of
myself.
Sure, she said.
And that one word changed my life forever.
W AKE UP , S LEEPYHEAD .
I opened my eyes to see my beautiful wife,
Debra, lying in bed with me.
You promised me a picnic today.
Five years ago I dreamed this scene. It
was exactly like this.
I grinned. And a picnic you shall have, Baby.
THE END
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