The relationship between adult Ego-strength and

Intimacy: exploring Self-love and Reciprocal-love.

Submitted in total fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of

Masters of Counselling and Psychotherapy

by

Dr Yury Shamis

2017
 Foreword

This decision to undertake this research topic came at the tail-end of several
anguishing years of spiritual work which started following the dissolution of a
significant romantic relationship and began to wind down while I was attending a
shamanic healing retreat, deep in the Peruvian Amazon jungle. As will be revealed in
the subsequent article which I drafted and published at the end of the retreat, my
work during this period was centred on learning self-love, with the end goal aimed at
avoiding entering future romantic relationships out of egotistical needs, rather,
healthy, true-self based choices. In other words, I wanted to learn to love another
person for who they were, rather for what they meant to me. At the start of this
journey, I found that the amount of literature available pertaining to achieving self-
love was overwhelming, however, unspecific and unclear. While it made sense
logically, being scientifically minded, I was unable to elucidate any justification
behind the overarching popular belief that in order to learn to love others in a
healthy, unconditional way; we must first learn to love ourselves. Initially, taking this
advice on at face value and focussing inwardly, set in motion a process that resulted
in all sorts of suffering and took me several years to overcome. The readers
response to my article, which based on my experience challenged the popular belief,
was amazing, with hundreds of personal messages expressing gratitude and
requests for advice. The publics interest, together with my novel outlook fuelled for
this topic to be explored empirically. This thesis is therefore the scientific outcome of
a personal, spiritual plight for an increased well-being.

i
 Abstract

When it comes to the exploration of accomplishing self-love, much of the

available literature endorses an unsubstantiated popular belief that individuals must
first learn to love themselves before loving others (reciprocal-love) is possible. There
is also, however, a small body of empirically validated theoretical literature that
suggests the opposite; when individuals first learn to give and receive love, they
subsequently grow to love themselves. The elucidation of this precedence provides
important implications for understanding the human developmental trajectory as well
as elucidating behavioural processes that an individual may enact when faced with
the goal of improving their well-being. The present research was premised on the
theoretical work by Erikson (1963), which stipulated with authority that good ego-
strength is first necessary before the ability to love (self or others) is possible. The
aim of the present research was to explore whether ego-strength predicted
reciprocal-love and whether ego-strength predicted self-love. It was also anticipated
that reciprocal-love mediated a predictive relationship between ego-strength and
self-love. Participants were recruited via social media (Facebook). Inclusion criteria
comprised being aged between 20 and 39 years and currently involved in a romantic
relationship. Data were collected using an online survey containing demographic
questions as well as measures pertaining to ego-strength, self-love and reciprocal-
love. Results revealed that reciprocal-love was a second order factor comprising two
first order factors being platonic-love and romantic-love; ego-strength positively
predicted reciprocal-love; ego-strength was not a direct predictor of self-love; and the
effect of ego-strength on self-love was fully mediated by reciprocal-love. It was
concluded that the findings added validity to therapeutic theories advocating the
importance of interpersonal strategies for increasing well-being. Other implications
included the development of step-wise techniques aimed at consciously increasing
self-love, both in commonplace and clinical settings.

ii
 Acknowledgements

I would firstly like to thank Danielle Siers for providing the final push in helping
me to decide to return back to studies and follow my lifelong dream of becoming a
psychotherapist.

Secondly, Id like to thank all of the lecturers throughout this Masters degree
at Cairnmillar Institute, whose willingness to teach only aided in my willingness to
learn. Also, thank you to my fellow students, in particular Kira Takko and Carlotta
Rinaldi Lambeth, without whose friendship, enthusiasm and positivity, I doubt that I
would have been capable of completing the most academically and personally
challenging course I have undertaken.

I would also like to express my deepest gratitude to my thesis supervisors: Dr

Alastair Anderson whose interest in my work, patience, statistical experience and
willingness to help were crucial in keeping the project going; and Professor Ben
Richardson, whose professional advice, down-to-earth attitude and flexible support,
ensured that this research was a positive experience.

This thesis is about love and without a doubt this project would not have been
possible without it. Thank you to all of my friends, (thankfully there are too many to
mention) who have stood by throughout the years and in particularly throughout the
journey that the last several years has brought. Thank you to my family; my parents
Steve and Elena, my brother and dear friend Jack, and grandparents Tania and
George. My aptitude for undertaking and completing this Masters is as much from
myself as it is from my family. Thank you to Milo; weve shared 11 years together.
Youve solidified my belief in that a person cannot know real love until hes
experienced a dogs love. You sat through the last thesis and youve managed to
keep a smile on my face all through this one. I love you.

Last but not least, I want to thank Hannah; my fianc, best friend and soul-
mate. If this thesis is about love, then with you, I have arrived at the destination.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for standing by me throughout this chapter
of my life. To say that its been difficult is the greatest understatement. I love you.

iii
 Declaration

I, Yury Shamis declare that this thesis is my original work and contains no
material that has been accepted for the award of Masters, or any other degree or
diploma, except where due reference is made.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge this thesis contains no material

previously published or written by another person except where due reference has
been made. Wherever contributions of others were involved, every effort has been
made to acknowledge contribution of the respective workers or authors.

Signature___________________________________________________________

Date_______________________________________________________________

iv
 Table of Contents

Foreword..i

Abstract...ii

Acknowledgments...iii

Declaration.iv

Table of Contents..v

Article: Shamanic Healing Experience

1.0. Introduction/Overview.1

1.1. Definitions......2
1.1.1. Love ..2

1.1.2. Reciprocal-love4

1.1.3. Platonic-love.5

1.1.4. Romantic-love..5

1.1.5. Self-love ...6

1.1.6. Ego-strength.8

1.2. Exploring the causal relationship between self-love and

reciprocal-love...7

1.2.1. Self-love as a precursor for reciprocal-love9

1.2.2. Reciprocal-love as a precursor for self-love.11

1.3. Aims and Hypotheses12

2.0. Method...14

2.1. Participants14

2.2. Measures14

2.2.1. Ego-strength..14

v
 2.2.2. Self-love..15

2.2.3 Reciprocal-love..16

2.3. Procedure...17

3.0. Results...19

3.1. Data Cleaning, Univariate and Multivariate Normality19

3.2. Descriptives20

3.3. Structural Equation Modelling.20

3.5. Factor Analysis..21

4.0. Discussion25

4.1. Factorability of reciprocal-love....25

4.2. Effect of ego-strength on reciprocal-love..26

4.3. Effect of ego-strength on self-love.....26

4.4. Reciprocal-love as mediator27

4.5. Implications27

4.6. Strengths, limitations and future research28

5.0. References29

6.0. Appendix...40

6.2. Plain Launguage Statement (PLIS) ..41

6.3. Questionnaire ...43

vi
For Hannah,

Sometimes you have to lose your mind, in order to come to your senses.
 Shamanic Healing Experience Iquitos, Peru.

By Yury Shamis

August 2015

This is a story about love, will power, intention and the magic of the Amazon.
One year ago, following on from a painful breakup, betrayal and the dissolution of a
close friendship (unrelated), I decided to attempt to live my life from a different
perspective and set out on a mission to find and understand Unconditional Love.

After realising that so much of my perceived happiness was defined by my

relationship status (I only felt happy and secure in a relationship), and that the love
Id experienced in these relationships was conditional and largely possessive; I
wanted to learn about self-love and to know if I could learn to channel love through
myself, outwardly, thus learning to love other people simply for who they were, rather
than for what they gave me.

Also, during this painful period roughly 12 months ago, Id realised that I had
completely closed off emotionally and was having significant difficulties showing
kindness, empathy, compassion and gratitude. For example, I knew that I needed to
say thank you, but there were never emotions linked to the expression. I largely
withdrew from my closest friends and focussed first on partying and then on School
(I work and study Psychotherapy), once the festival season was over. At this point in
my life, sex was now only an expression of love; and as there was no love in my life,
I decided to abstain, until Id received the answers I sought. During this time,
unbeknownst to me, anyone who tried to get close, was unconsciously pushed away.
The closer they came, the further I pushed. My ego, which had been repeatedly
beaten and bruised during the beginning of this story had decided that if nobody
could be near, nobody could hurt me. I remember a hypnotherapy session I did,
where the aim was to try open my heart; deep in the hypnotic state my subconscious
had spoken out loud in a cold voice: A closed heart is a small price to pay for
security. Living this way was heavily affecting my mental and emotional health. For
starters I had met a beautiful girl with whom Id desperately wanted to attempt a
relationship, secondly I was rude and was aware of being condescending towards
people I cared about, for no reason at all. To avoid this kind of behaviour I withdrew
further. Lastly, as a Psychotherapist, insight was important, but with no empathy or
compassion, I was useless; and my work gave my life meaning and purpose.

Throughout the year, Id received several glimmers into having an open heart,
so I knew I wasnt chasing a fantasy. These glimmers usually appeared for 3-7 days
and occurred following a small festival or private social gathering with lots of friends
(where I would usually be high). On one occasion the glimmer occurred when I was
on a holiday in Thailand with the girl Id been attempting a relationship with. Each
time Id become overjoyed, proclaimed to myself and to the world that I was cured,
after which point the feeling would waiver and then it would be gone. Heart closed.

To cope from the workload from university together with running my personal
business and to escape my emotional isolation, I was taking a moderate amount of
drugs (Opioids and Ketamine), as Id been using/abusing drugs recreationally and for
spiritual growth my whole adult life. While I believed these helped, they were
probably making things worse (there had been period when they were beneficial in
the past). Basically, I was working desperately hard to open my heart and to learn
about unconditional love, yet getting nowhere, and becoming more and more
desperate for an insight and solution.

I consider myself an intuitive and spiritual person, and believe that once you
begin to spiritually awaken and to align yourself with the universe, you begin to
hear/see/feel the messages it sends you; you begin to function within its framework
and flow, with your eyes open. I also believe in God, but not Religion. My God is not
a guy with a beard who sits in the sky and sends out rules. My God is that energy
that flows like magic throughout the universe, guiding you towards a self-evolving
moral code and freedom, from your own constraints. At some point in the last several
months I made a decision to fly to Peru, to seek out an Ayahuasca (Aya) retreat and
work on finding solutions to my existential questions. I believe that in life, everything
happens for a reason and at exactly the right time. With such an extensive personal
drug history, it was strange that I had only desired and tried smoking DMT (which is
only one part of Aya) in the last 7-8 months and its effects were unbelievable. Each
time it was about connection and belonging to the universe, so I figured Aya could
help answer my questions about love. It was coming up to a year anniversary since
Id began this journey and it was time to seek outside help.
 I booked flights into the Aya region (Peru) for the longest duration of time that
I could afford to take off, and arranged for my brother to fly home from overseas to
oversee our business. From there I would buy flights relevant to the retreat I
chose/chose me. Next I began searching for retreat/healing centre. I had three
places recommended by a friend who was heavily into Psychedelic Medicine
(Temple of the Spirit of Light, Blue Morph and Rainforest Healing Centre) which I
decided to look at last, as well as several independent Shamans, however as they
only spoke Spanish and I couldnt, I felt this was not an option. I searched through
over 100 facilities. First of all, I couldnt believe how many there were and secondly,
nothing appealed to me. I was looking for a destination that was deep in the Amazon
and focussed only on healing. It had to have only several guests and allow for as
much alone time as possible. Many places offered healing coupled with adventure
tours, excursion; one place even offered partyingseriously. As I became
apprehensive, I checked the venues recommended to me. Spirit of Light; too well
known, way too many people (30 per ceremony) and too many day-off activities
offered. Blue Morph; beautiful setup, too many activities and 3000USD for one week.
Lastly, I checked the Rainforest Healing Centre. As I opened the page I knew. As I
read what the Dietas were intended for, I broke into tears. This was it. Maximum 8
people, deep in the Amazon, own grown medicine, isolation to work through your
questions and no WiFi or phone reception. I was trembling. I immediately submitted
an application and guess what? There was a place available and the program
started the day after I arrived to Lima. Omar (the owner) and his team dont muck
around though. It was a proper screening process to be granted participation. Emails
and phone/skype interview to make sure you were not a psychedelic tourist and
have serious self-healing intentions. This place meant business.

Omar suggested that I complete the Chiric Sanango Dieta (this included two
Aya ceremonies, one prior to and one post the diet and 8 days of isolation, total 10
days). Omar believed this option to be the most difficult but most suitable to my
goals. As a precaution I also added a further 3 ceremonies in the subsequent week,
in case I hadnt received everything that was needed. Thus a total of 17 days. During
our phone interview Omar quite openly said that this was probably going to be the
most difficult experience in my life, but he believed the results were more than
justified. I admit, at this stage I was frightened; however, there is no joy without
suffering. Everything felt right, there was no anxiety, no doubt; just a sense of
determination and purpose. I had no expectations, just hope and a firm belief that if
you truly wanted something, you would get it. If this helped even a little, then it would
be worth it.

After 60 hours flying across New Zealand, USA, Panama and Lima, under a
strict pre-Dieta and pre-Aya diet of no red meat, sugar, salt, alcohol, drugs and
abstaining from sexual release for the past ten days, I finally arrived at the set
meeting point in Iquitos and was met with Omar and another guest who would also
be completing the Dieta. The healing centre was an hour drive out of town and then
another hour walk through thick mud (in gumboots). Lets just say that the
destination was worth the effort. The photos can speak for themselves. Aya vines
were everywhere, power was only solar, each wooden Tambo (private hut) was 1-
200 meters apart with a private outdoor compost toilet and showering was completed
using buckets from the stream that ran past each property. We were also located
deep inside one the most beautiful rainforests Id seen.

As I prefer going into new experiences without much information or

preconception, I had purposely not read up much on Ayahuasca. The ceremony was
held in the Maloka which was an octagonal structure where a maximum of eight
guests would complete their ceremonies. Omar stressed that this experience was
NOT like taking other psychedelic drugs. This was NOT a drug; it was spirit medicine
that knew your intentions and the amount of work that you had put into coming to her
with questions. He instructed that the first ceremony should be about thanking the
medicine for accepting to help and asking for its protection during the Dieta. He also
stressed that having the right intentions was mandatory and the more you
surrendered, the sooner Aya could help. I also didnt understand the point of the
Shaman, especially as he didnt speak English. On ceremony days we didnt eat
following lunch and drinking water was prohibited after 4 pm. This was to encourage
purging of the roots of your body, rather than undigested food and water (we were
each provided with a bucket to vomit into, which is a part of the Aya process).

My first ceremony was less than pleasant. In attendance there was myself
and the other guest who was attending his 26th ceremony (in total), Pedro the
Shaman (Curandero, who I would learn over the next few weeks was both a powerful
Shaman and the heart and engine behind this Centre) and Omar, (the owner and
Centres brains, and blood, who was following his own messages from Aya to create
this healing space), who explained the procedure and would help guide us to the
bathroom (and translate Pedro if necessary). From my journal the morning following
the first ceremony:

You know those times youre having a bad trip filled with paranoia and the
inability to clear your head from bad thoughts and memories? That what last night
felt like on Steroids. It was pitch black and made no difference if my eyes were
open or shut and there was no fucking escape from my thoughts. I wish Id taken my
journal as I did not fall asleep until the sun came up (the ceremony started at 8pm)
I kept it together emotionally until now, as Im writing this.

I begged Aya to help me access the fear (preventing me from opening my

heart), to resolve itthat didnt happen; but I saw my memories and my negative
perception of these memories as well as my fear to let go, to surrender and for my
ego to subside. I remember thinking that if I could just purge, then Ill let go, but I was
afraid to make a sound, afraid to draw attention to myself, as if in fear of being
judged.

Right now my mind is cloudy, probably repressing all the memories and learnt
lessons from last night; Im sure they will pop up in the next few days. Twelve hours
alone, with my mind in complete darkness was hell and at this time I feel that the
Medicine will need to be super potent to help wear down my defences and help me
to surrender. I know that my goal is no longer to conquer my fear but to accept it, to
love it. Similarly my goal is not to forgive my ex-girlfriend, but to love her again, to
remember her face and all the good memories feelings and sensations.

Towards the end of the night I was given some hope. A vision appeared at
which I was sitting next to Hannah (the girl Im trying to commit to) at a Rodriguez
Concert. Our favourite song came on and we turned to each other and pashed. The
feeling I received from this vision was one of joy; instead of pushing away, instead of
repulsion. It is a glimmer of hope, but that is enough for day 3 of this journey.

I began the Isolation immediately following the Aya ceremony and at 3am that
night I would be drinking the first dose of the Chiric Sanango. This is the outer layer
of a section of a root that is peeled, boiled and drank (one root each night) for three
consecutive nights at 3am (as this is when the new day is said to start). It is the only
medicine that is not grown at the Retreat and Pedro had to trek into the jungle to find
and retrieve it. The diet during the Dieta included 2 hard-boiled eggs and plain white
rice, 3 times a day, as well as plenty of water. The only possessions you were
allowed during isolation other than your clothes, was a journal, a pen and a
toothbrush (no toothpaste). The information I was given was that it was no childs-
play and that anyone without serious dedication and intentions, did not make it
through isolation. People who broke the isolation by eating forbidden foods or having
sex were reported to go mad, lose their memories and sense of identity, and develop
white discolouration marks all over their bodies (this isnt a joke as I accidentally put
a piece of spiry radish in my mouth 5 days after the Dieta and nearly passed out).
The only way to reverse these effects was to redo the Dieta. In terms of effects, the
Chiric was told to help break down the ego, mend a broken heart and help
understand Unconditional love. This is all I knew, as very little has been documented
online.

Having dozed most of the day, I was well awake by 3am. Pedro came to my
door carrying a thick blanket, a bucket and a glass filled with a brown liquid. Here we
go. This was the beginning of 72 hours of hell. No exaggeration. The liquid was
bearable and tasted like a raw root, 20 minutes following which, nausea would
commence and I would throw the liquid up together will some bile. My lips would go
numb and the whole body would start tingling. Soon afterwards, fever would kick in
and a heavy vibration would spread outwards from the chest up until the point that
the body was violently shaking, you couldnt feel half your limbs and couldnt
determine if you were hot or cold. From my journal several hours prior to my second
drink in barely legible handwriting:

I wouldnt wish this upon my worst enemy. What a way to torture somebody.
Its been less than 24 hours; if theres a God, please have mercy. I dont know what
is worse: the anticipation of what is to come over the next few days, or my desire to
quit. I would love some pills right now. A healthy dose of Heroin to take the pain
away. I need to stay positive, this is the only way I will make it through this

The first dose lasted 24 hours, the second roughly 18 and the third had
become bearable after 15 hours. In those 72 hours I was in and out of
consciousness, ate a total of 7 eggs with no rice, could only walk to the bathroom
and shower by supporting myself (the water could not be felt on my skin) and
sweated out litres. At some point within the first 24 hours a hum had developed in my
head which would remain with me until my final Aya ceremony. At another point I
also remember Pedro looking at me with concern, coming around to my bed rest a
quietly pocketing my Swiss Army Knife, just in case as he informed me later. The
worst part was that I had no idea why I was doing this; my mind felt the same and my
questions unanswered.

And then it started. At this stage I was still having trouble walking and I didnt
possess a mirror and had no idea what Id diminished to. From my journal on day 7,
36 hours after the last drink:

Last night was quite surreal. Im pretty sure I dosed for a few hours at the
start of the night and then lay awake, deep in memories; ones that I couldnt ever
access so vividly in the past. Nothing bad, they were happy memories from past
relationships. I remembered specific details like bedroom orientation, what was in
each cupboard, how the light shone through the windows. I remembered little details
like smiles and laughter. I remembered how I loved them and how they loved
meIts a really good feeling to know that my memories are intact (they were poor
as a result years of drug abuse), I need to cherish them and protect my mind

This was just the beginning. The best way I can describe the experience is
like that movie Limitless. For those who havent seen it, it felt like my brain had
started working at 100% capacity. I wrote mental speeches, calculated multiple
mortgage repayments at one time (usually I use my fingers for basic maths), I had
access to any memory, I thought of new business ideas, techniques and directions. It
was as if the 3 days of drinking the Chiric had supercharged my brain and allowed it
to function at a higher vibrational frequency (this would explain the hum). After 24
hours of thinking and writing I was just getting warmed up; and besides my heart was
still closed and sleep was out of the question (when I tried to sleep, my eyes would
roll into the back of my head and the hum would intensify in my head. The next
sequence of events went something like this: After eating dinner at 6pm, I checked
my pants which had been drying on a clothes hanger by the window. After closer
inspection I noticed that they were covered in mould. Next to them was my hat which
I noticed was not only covered in mould but also half eaten by some kind of rodent. I
knew this would happen. Everything in the jungle grows and everything is shared.
Then something hit me, I lay in bed and started thinking, thinking about
Unconditional love and how that relates to my pants and hat.

Unconditional Love, the junglewhat is the connection. And then I lost it. I
started balling my eyes out then and there. CONNECTION. Everything in the jungle
is connected; its all part of a living, breathing system. There is no class, no order;
just natural chaos that has existed in harmony for thousands of years. A tree lives for
aeons with multitudes of plants, vines, animals, birds and insects which inter-weave
their lives and homes within and on its surface. Times that by a billion, and you have
the rainforest. Unconditional love comes from being a part of a system created by
Nature, not man. Here, everything is connected to the source and everything
channels the energy. The jungle accepts each of its inhabitants, and each inhabitant
accepts all others. Universal/Unconditional love can be viewed as the metaphysical
fabric of the universe, a driving force that drives connections. In Nature, as
everything is connected, universal love flows through everything. Humans evolved
from the original chaos system and created a system based on their interpretation of
order. This order is based on possession and isolation. We live in separate rooms of
separate houses. During the day were at separate desks of different offices of
different buildings; and we communicate with each other via devices instead of face
to face. Everything is mine, or yours; not ours. Love cannot be possessed, it cannot
be owned. It is an energy that exists between two or more entities when they chose
to wrap this universal fabric around each other. This energy generates feelings within
us. You can own your feelings, but that is all. So, unconditional love cannot exist if
you accept the system created by man; only the one created by nature.

Now, think of the times that humans are happiest; when they revert back to
the chaos system. Imagine a festival dancefloor, a playground, a social
gatheringresemble a jungle much? These are the times at which we are happiest.
These are times we look forward to most. Why? Because positive chaos breeds
love. During these times our connections are unconditional and selfless, rather than
possessive and selfish. A festival dancefloor is a selfless system devoted to creating
a multitude of connections which in turn fuels unconditional love, an electrifying aura,
and felt energy.

Suddenly, I understood those times my heart had opened over the last year; it
wasnt the drugs or the exotic destinations; it was connections; positive connections
with people I cared about. Then I would come home, isolate myself by focussing on
school, take more drugs that would disconnect me further, and Bam, shut again.

I was emotionally overwhelmed. I decided to take a break and have a bucket

shower. When I came back to my Tambo, I felt something was different. I took a long
breath; my heart was open. I knew this feeling as Id felt it several times over the last
12 months. This time, the insight was big enough to break it open. I wasnt finished
and decided to test the waters. Thinking of something and grasping a concept is not
the same as feeling it. I began throwing scenarios into my mind. Memories, places,
events (I could focus on several at once at this point, and suddenly there were
emotions; joy and happiness; sorrow and sadness. I threw in my friends recent
break-up; empathy and compassion. I burst into tears a second time. I spent the next
18 hours with everyone I cared about over the last 12 months and even those that I
did not; processing and reliving the experiences, only this time with emotions. The
flood gates had opened and it was beautiful.

After 40 hours in action and without sleep, I had written 55 pages of my

journal and was beginning to quite literally lose my mind. I had absolutely no idea
how many days Id been awake, how many hours Id slept or how long Id been in
isolation. Things started to turn for the negative. By this stage my brain was lagging
and needed a reset; some sleep. I decided gain some control of the situation by
creating at chart which included a breakdown of each day since arrival and a
breakdown of sleep, wakefulness, mental action, Aya ceremony and the first three
nights of hell. The chart took hours to compile, brain activity was near useless. From
my journal, written the following day (Day 9, second last day of isolation):

Last night I started getting really angry for the inability for the self-talk to stop.
The humming got louder and I was getting auditory and visual hallucinations as well
as paranoid delusions about outside noises. I even locked the Tambo door for the
first time since arriving. A bucket shower would have helped (they were the only
thing grounding me and temporarily slowing the self-talk), but I was now afraid to go
out into the dark. When I would attempt to sleep, for the first hour or so, videos of
leaves rustling on bushes would shimmer in (best I can describe), eyes open or shut,
and would then change to another video showing something similar. It looked like
something from a youtube video and was definitely not the jungle.
 Also, if I tried to still my mind, the hum would get louder, and the only way for
everything to stop would be to start thinking again. I could think but at this point, it
was sloppy and messy and pointlessthen the negative self-talk would swell up
again. After a few hours, I tried again to get my shit sorted. I tried meditating while
turned sideways in a sleeping position (If I lay on my back, my eyes would roll into
the back of my head and thoughts would flood in). I noticed as I focussed on my
breathing, my mind would calm and disconnected from awareness, the humming
would subside and my eyes would quit moving (otherwise they moved like in REM
sleep). After a short while I slept. I woke up this morning at dawn (roughly 6 hours
sleep) feeling good. Lots of dreams that I cannot remember, the hum is still there
(not so loud), and my ability to calculate numbers has returned back to its original
state. Thoughts are less frenzied and its harder to concentrate. My appetite is back
too.

By now, the isolation was really pushing my mental boundaries. One week
ago I was busy with work or studies from 8am till 10pm daily and could always relax
for an hour or two before bed with some mindless activity. Here, was the exact
opposite. I noticed that I had started talking to myself out loud by day 8, repeatedly
telling my ego to shut-up when it would butt in to my dialog with God knows whom,
either silently or out loud. I couldnt stand to put those eggs or rice in my mouth, I
imagined future conversations, replayed them over and over, made phone calls and
tried to replay movies in my head. Nights were the worst as there was no beautiful
scenery to look at, just darkness and my own thought. If I couldnt sleep then I had to
think (I hate meditating and only do it in extreme circumstances). My journal was my
salvation; my connection to any form of sanity. If I did not have this then I would have
definitely gone mad. Since my heart had opened, my libido had also returned and
together with the ability to access ANY memory, and the need to abstain from sexual
release, things were getting out of control.

I still had work to do however. Self-love. I began to develop a Connections

Theory of Self-love of which some is described during the first part of the Dieta and
the gist of which is below:

If love is about connections, then love cannot exist without connections. You
cannot therefore love yourself without loving others. You do not have to be in-love
and the feelings dont have to mutual. You can wrap the fabric (love) around another
person, animal, plant or object just like in the natural world, and then youre in the
system. Connected. The goal is therefore not to close connections, or at least to
maintain enough positive connections on a constant basis to generate a strong
enough feeling of love within one self. Self-love is therefore about being selfless, not
selfish; because youre giving energy to receive it.

Everything has vibrational energy and some connections are naturally

stronger than others. Furthermore, positive processes or actions act to fuel more
love into a connection (love maintenance). Unconditional/Universal love is the purest
form of love. The ability to generate and maintain unconditional love is described
later. Paternal love and romantic love is the next strongest level. This is the primary
love and positive processes include intimacy, passion (romantic love only) and
commitment. They also include the processes in the secondary and tertiary love. The
secondary love is platonic love such as that between friends or between a person
and their pet. Processes include commitment, dependency, kindness and respect.
Finally, tertiary love is based on unreciprocated connections such as those between
a fan and his idol or between a person and their favourite tree, food or object. These
connections are fuelled by appreciation, respect and pride.

According to this theory, each person requires a baseline level of connections in

order to have self-love which is strongest at the optimal connection level. Similarly,
there is the threshold level of connections at which point a person has too many
active negative connections which results in a decrease in the quality of their self-
love.

Figure 1. Self-love distribution chart.

Unconditional love can only be achieved when a person is at their optimal level of
self-love. As a person moves towards either the baseline or threshold levels of
connection, their ability to maintain connections becomes conditional and their love
possessive or exploited (for full details please view my Connections theory of
Unconditional love and Self-love). I didnt know if this theory would make as much
sense to others as it did to me, but it sounded pretty plausible (and I trusted my brain
power from the still active Chiric Sanango).

The following night was my second Aya ceremony, after which point I would
spend a final 24 hours in isolation, and be free. I was grateful for all the beautiful
insights Id attained but it was time to go. I went into the ceremony with unclear
intentions. I decided that I had gotten everything I needed from the Chiric Sanango
and would just thank Aya and go to sleep (I was exhausted, half-starved and could
barely walk). New guests had arrived to the Centre and I had honestly forgotten how
to interact socially. When I walked into the Maloka, I just sat down quietly and
avoided eye contact. I only exchanged smiles with the guest from the first ceremony,
who was also finishing his isolation. From my journal the following morning:

Last nights ceremony was everything I could ask for. Just before she entered
me I decided that I had suffered enough over the last while and asked Aya if she
could let me feel the unconditional love of the rainforest around us. She did. It was
unbelievable. Still buzzing from the Chiric Sanago, I was mentally sharp and
emotionally open. As soon as she touched me, I started vibrating, a gentle whole
body vibration that also occurred once before with DMT. As she filled me with
unconditional love, I remember screaming over and over I surrender, please take
me closer to the source which I could see as a glowing ball of red energy. Each time
I yelled out, shed touch a different part of my body which would react with an intense
tremor, then allow me closer, filling my heart and body with more love. Aya had
complete control of my body, my mind and could activate any feeling or emotion. I
remember a thought hit me that this was God; this source of Universal/Unconditional
Love, this metaphysical fabric of the Universe, this force that had been guiding me
towards intra-personal freedom, were all one and the same; and Aya was the
gateway. This was Nirvana.

I could see Grandfather Sanango (thats the form he would take in visions) in
the corner of the room watching and disapproving. He was right, I was here to work
and play time was over. I thanked Aya profusely and said that if we were not going to
work I was going to sleep, and turned on my side. Aya accepted my decision and put
a vision of a long narrow staircase leading up to darkness; I walked up. I finally
began to understand the point of the Shaman as their beautiful Icaros (chants) would
sooth and guide you along your journey. From here onwards, Aya let me lead the
way; thoughts or memories would come up and if my responses were negative (Aya
could make you feel anything, even more intensely than in real time), I would
confront them with love (something I couldnt do in the first ceremony) and move on
to the next one. Some of the biggest things that came up included opening my heart
up (not just my head) to the idea of another romantic relationship in my life; to a
family and several kids and I made promises to fuel positive processes into my
current connections, without fear of being hurt. I opened my heart to my ex-girlfriend
and embraced her with open arms. I did the same with my ex best friend and
promised to write her a letter when I got out.

I sat my ego opposite myself; I kissed, hugged and accepted him as my equal
and thanked him for helping us get to where we are today. I asked him to sit on my
shoulder as a trusted advisor but not to intervene in my life for now. I want to face
the world vulnerable, and if I get too hurt, Ill gladly let him take charge. He agreed,
reluctantly. I also accepted my past and made an agreement to leave it behind me. I
have dwelt there long enough and have analysed most of it. I dont need my resume
or my list of achievements. I made a deal only to look to the present and future. The
present incorporating everything that I have learnt so far, into my daily life and
School. The future is about realising my dream to become a family man.

I faced death also (I dont like this part of the story). Id mused in previous
times that when the time was right and I had lived a good life, I would take a shotgun
in my mouth and blow my head off. Aya let me feel the moment before someone
pulled a trigger. It was horrific. That plan was off the table. Somehow, a vision
inferred that I would die of a brain tumour; then the number 67 shimmered into the
picture. WHAT? Seriously, Aya, what the FUCK? I started begging. How about 84?
Please. PLEASE. You know I believe in this stuff; you know I will manifest
itnothing. Shocked I put this aside and an hour or two later death came up again.
This time we came to an agreement. If I surrender to death right now, then the brain
tumour, the 67 will just be a reminder that if I ever waste time again (I decide and
know quite well when Im wasting time), then it may all come true. I surrendered.
Now every moment is precious.

We also talked about sex; but that is none of your business. Drugs came up
too. I put them in front of me and ended the relationship. I thanked them and told
them that we have been through everything together. I loved them and they were
there for me when I needed them and even when I didnt. But this was my fault, not
theirs. I said goodbye; blue moons and special occasions onlyyou cannot say bye
forever to such a dear friend

I asked Aya several times throughout the night, whether she liked the
Connections Theory that I was working on and she never replied. Towards morning,
I was exhausted and asked Aya (probably for the 5th time) if we were finished and I
could go to sleep. This time she agreed and I thanked her for everything from the
bottom of my heart, and opened my eyes. A vision appeared. It was a notebook, a
notepad and a pen stacked on each other. Slowly it moved around the room and
landed in my hands. At the same time, a white energy receded from me and my
vibrating abated. I remember yelling: What is it Aya, what is it; It isnt mine And
then I knew; I felt it. It was a precious gift that made me break into tears as I have
now. Keep writing.

I returned to my Tambo, called Hannah and while sobbing uncontrollable into

the pillow, I told her everything. I was completely emotionally overwhelmed and
drained from the last 10 days; what a fucking experience to put yourself through. I
then calmed and slept. At 5am the following morning, I washed my mouth out with
some salt (as was required by the Dieta) and bathed in special flowers. The Dieta
over, I was free. Over the next several days I decided not to do any further
ceremonies as I had received answers to all of my questions, opened my heart and
redefined my interpretation of God. I was humbled and there was no need for any
further insights at this point. Chiric Sanango had given me the brain power to find the
answers to open my heart and Mother Aya had provided a platform that facilitated
the intrapersonal changes that I needed at this point in life. What a mission, what a
result! I couldnt wait to go home and apply everything.

Much Love.
The first view and main house

My Tambo
My hat succumbing to the jungle

The shower
 Maloka ceremonial hut

With Omar, the owner/facilitator

 1.0. Introduction

Love is arguably one of the most explored topics in everyday life. In Western
culture it is seen as a vital human need (Maslow, 1968; Noller, 1996). While many of
the enquiries and discussions pertaining to love are based on relationships with
others; a less frequently explored, yet equally important topic, is self-love. Self-love
is viewed as being fundamental to an individuals well-being (Campbell et al., 2002;
Fromm, 1957; Maharaj & April, 2013; Trobish, 1976; Vaknin, 2013) and has been
defined as encompassing an awareness and respect for ones physical, emotional,
mental and spiritual health (Ferris, 1988). When it comes to the exploration of
accomplishing self-love, much of the available literature supports a popular belief
that individuals must first learn to love themselves before loving others (reciprocal-
love) is possible. There is also, however, a small body of literature that suggests the
opposite; when individuals first learn to give and receive love, they subsequently
grow to love themselves (Campbell & Baumeister, 2003; Frankfurt, 1999; Hendrick &
Hendrick, 1986; Pearsall, 2005; Maslow, 1968). While this chicken-or-the-egg
paradigm may appear trivial at first, it provides important implications for
understanding the human developmental trajectory as well as elucidating processes
that an individual may take when faced with the goals of improving their well-being.
The aim of this thesis, (after reviewing and defining terms) is therefore, to explore the
causal relationship between self-love and reciprocal-love.

As mentioned, the present research aims to explore several components

pertaining to the development of a capacity to love. Given the psychosocial nature of
this trajectory, an overview of relevant theory, in particular, the psychosocial
development scheme of Erikson (1963), is warranted. According to this theory
human development is composed of eight stages, which a healthy individual passes
through from infancy to late adulthood. All stages are present at birth; however, they
only begin to unravel as a result of the progression of an individuals cultural and
biological development. In other words, the stage theory characterises an individual
advancing through the eight life stages as a function of negotiating their biological
and sociocultural forces. Each stage requires the confrontation and mastery of new
challenges, while building upon the completion of previous stages. An individual may
progress to a new stage without successfully completing their current stage and the

1
insufficient completion of a particular stage, is also expected to reappear as
problems in future stages. Furthermore, the outcome of one stage is not permanent
and can be modified by later experiences (Erikson, 1963). The theoretical stage
theory by Erikson has been confirmed as being valid using cross-cultural data
(Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010; Cote & Levine, 1987; Ochse & Plug, 1986).

For the purpose of the present research, Eriksons fifth stage pertaining to
fidelity denotes that a sense of identity needs to be established before intimacy is
possible. In Eriksons scheme, identity refers to an adolescent search for a sense
of self and personal individuation through an intense exploration of personal values,
beliefs and goals. Intimacy refers to the global ability to love (self or reciprocal),
thus inferring that a self-identity needs to be established before the ability to love is
possible. Empirical evidence that supports the developmental ordering of identity and
intimacy is available (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010; Orlofsky, Marcia & Lesser,
1973; Schaut & OConner, 1993; Schiedel & Marcia, 1985; Rotenberg). Given that
the present thesis is premised on Eriksons stage theory, any inferences to the
causal relationships between self-love and reciprocal-love, will therefore be
underpinned by the assumption that a self-identity (or ego-strength, which is used as
a measure of self-identity in this research) has already been established.
Furthermore, Eriksons sixth stage of psychosocial development, which pertains to
the development of a capacity to love/enter relationships, is reflected in the selection
criteria for participant age in this research.

Based on the theoretical information provided above, the second aim of this
thesis is to test the assumption that ego-strength needs to be established before the
ability to love is possible. This will be done by examining the association between
ego-strength and self-love, and between ego-strength and reciprocal-love.

1.1. Definitions

Given the vast amount of attention that the notion of love receives, it is no
surprise that there exists an enormous amount of definitions that are often vague
and inconsistent. Also, given that the nature and operationalisation of love (and its
sub-constructs) is crucial to this thesis, the following sections aim to review the
various views put forward about the nature of love, and argue for particular

2
definitions. Lastly, while this thesis is empirical in nature, the literature review will
also include an examination of non-empirical and theoretical works. This is due to
the fact that much of the available information about the constructs and association
of self-love and reciprocal-love have not previously been explored, defined or
contextualised using empirical research.

1.1.1 Love

As noted by Oord (2005), aside from informal definitions, much of the

literature focussing on love fails to actually attempt to define the phenomenon. The
author offered her own definition: to love is to act intentionally, in sympathetic
response to others (including God) to promote well-being. To act intentionally
implies that love involves a decisional aspect, is grounded in a positive motive, and
is self-determinant; freely chosen by the individual. in sympathetic response to
others (including God) suggests that love requires internal, constituting influence of
one or more objects (actual or supernatural) or persons upon the loving individual
(Oord, 2005). Thus, love requires actual relations with others.

Noller (1996), took the view that love is an attitude toward a particular person,
and, consequently that this love has cognitive, emotional, and behavioural
components. In keeping with other researchers and theorists (Bierhoff, 1991; Dion &
Dion, 1973, 1975; Hatfield, 1988; Skolnick, 1978), Noller (1996) further stipulated
that love is, at least in part, socially constructed. She argued that both our
experience of love and our interpretation of that experience seem to be affected by
the beliefs about love within a culture (Noller, 1996). Psychiatrist and author of the
popular novel The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional
Values and Spiritual Growth, defined love as The will to extend ones self for the
purpose of nurturing ones own or anothers spiritual growth (Peck, 1979, p. 75).
Ferris (1988) defined love as a feeling of caring or deep respect for yourself and
others, of valuing and believing in yourself and others, and of helping to achieve the
best of which everyone is capable.

The most holistic theory of love from the available literature appears to be that
discussed by Fromm, who described love as an attitude or orientation of character
which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not towards

3
one object of love (Fromm, 1957, p. 36). Using this definition, Fromm developed a
full typology of love which encapsulates: brotherly love (Biblical inclusive love for all
beings), motherly love (the altruistic love for a growing child), erotic love (romantic
love or an exclusive need for union with one person), self-love and love of God.
Fromms theory of love as an inner orientation of character, rather than an
interpersonal object-related concept, corresponds with Eastern philosophies. For
example, Eastern Buddhist philosophy as expanded on by Hanh (2007) describes
love as comprising character traits known as The Four Immeasurable Minds
(brahmaviharis) of love, compassion, joy and equanimity, and Indian Vedic
philosophy describes love through the concept of bhakti as being an attitude
which includes traits such as reverence and devotion (Singh, 2005, p. 223). Both
Fromm (1957) and Thomas Aquinas in his elucidation of love in the Summa
Theologiae (cited by Pope, 1991, p. 386) depict proper love as involving conscious
knowledge and deliberate choice in addition to natural and sensitive inclinations
which supports the view that love is not a passive phenomenon.

In summary love appears to encompass decisions, choices and attitudes;

requires a relationship with internal and external entities; is a combination of spiritual,
cognitive, emotional, and behavioural components, and is grounded in personal and
cultural factors which in turn, affect its subjective definition.

1.1.2. Reciprocal-Love

In this research, reciprocal-love (being the opposite of unrequited-love) is

defined as a love that is shared by two individuals and involves a mutual
identification with the cares, concerns, interests and values of the other person,
whereby their well-being entails mutuality. More so, reciprocal-love includes not only
attunement to the others interests but also respect for their capacity for autonomy
(Helm, 2010). In the present research, reciprocal-love is operationalised as
comprising platonic and romantic-love, with the fundamental difference surrounding
sexual attraction/intimacy being a facet of romantic-love only. This difference
between romantic and platonic love has been previously reported in literature
(Hendrick & Hendrick 1993). Unconditional love, such as that shared between a
mother and child as well as that between siblings is neither included nor applicable in

4
this research as the focus is on love that develops throughout adulthood. The
exclusion of unconditional love from research exploring cultivated reciprocal-love is
also contentious throughout literature (Hendrick & Hendrick 1993)

1.1.3. Platonic Love

This kind of love is most commonly referred to as friendship and is generally

defined as reciprocal-love that is non-sexual. For example, Junior (2003) wrote that
platonic love is a fine friendship existing between two people, in whom the animal
passions are supposed to bear no part. They have congenial moral sympathies.
Their minds travel the same road through the region of fact or romance, and delight
in the same scenery, and in the same intellectual speculations. Others described
platonic-love as a close affection between two persons, attracted to each other, but
without sexual intimacy (Gooch, 1989, p. 360) and the sexual overtones, mutual
fascination, and passion are just minimal, or do not exist in many cross-sex platonic
friendships (Kaplan and Keys, 1997 p. 67). According to Helm (2010), friends must
engage each other through their reciprocated love and do so in a way that potentially
influences and shapes each other as the person each is. In this way, it is not merely
the friends attitudes to each other that are intimate; the relationship itself becomes
intimate. Furthermore, friends must in a sense share an evaluative perspective, at
least within a certain domain, where this shared evaluative perspective enables each
to have the sort of dynamic, rational influence on the other's life that friendship
demands. This claim can be motivated, and the implications it has for the
individualist conception of autonomy can be made clear, by turning to the idea that
friendship essentially involves shared activity (Helm, 2010).

1.1.4. Romantic Love

As described earlier, in the present research, romantic-love can be viewed as

a facet of reciprocal-love and shares all characteristics with platonic-love, differing
only in regards to sexual attraction, sexual intimacy and sexual passion (Jankowiak
& Fisher, 1992). Romantic love generally involves a mix of emotional and sexual
desire with their emotional highs- exhilaration, passion and elation in such a way
that love embraces sex, and the sex broadly defined (not just sexual intercourse),

5
includes various ways of physical affection (Karandashev, 2017, p 11). Also, while
sexuality and love are not equivalent; sexual activity generally referring to intense,
limited, brief and reiterated acts, whereas love is more diverse in its expressions
(Karandashev, 2017). Some researchers consider romantic-love as closely related to
sexual attraction and suggest that sexuality is a key feature of romantic love (De
Munck, 1998; Fisher, 2004; Hatfield & Eapson, 2005; Hatfield, Rapson & Martel
2007).

Others such as Seebach and Nunez-Mosteo (2016) interpreted romantic love

as something that is not only felt but also relates people with each other, and
analytically separated it from unrequited love and other forms of one-sided love.
They suggest that this differentiation allows for the separation between desire and
romantic love. The authors definition of romantic love also involves finding a
fulfilment in the reciprocity of a durable link or social bond (Seebach & Nunez-
Mosteo, 2016).

1.1.5. Self-Love

The notion of self-love has traditionally been surrounded by interpretations

that centre on the inhibition of ones ability to love another (e.g. Freud; cited in
Maharaj & April, 2013), treated self-love as an inseparable concept from narcissism;
Kant (1909) suggested that love for oneself, striving for one's own happiness, can
never be a virtue. As an ethical principle, the striving for one's own happiness is the
most objectionable one, not merely because it is false,... but because the springs it
provides for morality are such as rather undermine it and destroy its sublimity (p.
186); Rousseau (as cited in Neuhouser, 2008) concluded that self-love drives
individuals to seek the esteem, approval and admiration of their fellow beings).

Empirical literature, however, indicates that high narcissism has been

correlated with a lack of self-esteem (Campbell et al., 2002), while the presence of
self-love has been found to imply a sense of inner-security derived from strong self-
esteem (Campbell et al., 2002). Furthermore, high narcissism has been correlated
with feelings of shame, worthlessness, a high need for praise, power and attention,
displays of grandiosity and low levels of love and empathic capabilities (Campbell et
al., 2002; Resick, Weingarden, Whitman & Hiller, 2009; Robins, Tracy & Shaver,

6
2012). Displays of self-aggrandisement from narcissists have been reported as
actually being a counter mechanism to regulate their fluctuating self-esteem (Robins,
Tracy & Shaver, 2012). The view that narcissists experience both high and low
feelings of self-esteem is supported by Brown and Bosson (2001) who found that
narcissists experience high self-esteem on a conscious level, but low self-esteem on
an unconscious level, which might also explain how narcissism may be confused for
self-love. The strong presence of egoism displayed by narcissists is another
difference between narcissism and self-love, where narcissists need to use others as
a mirror to obtain a sense of self-worth, implying separateness between self and
others, while self-love does not (Campbell et al., 2002).

Also, authors such as Fromm (1957) argued strongly against the

interchangeable use of the concepts of narcissism with self-love, stating that
narcissism, far from being an indicator of an excess of self-love, is diametrically an
opposing concept to self-love caused by the very lack thereof. This view has been
supported by other researchers (Maharaj & April, 2013, Trobish, 1976, Vaknin,
2013).

Contemporary definitions of self-love characterise it as the understanding

that your ego self may not be perfect, but the being, or the very core of who you are
is lovable, loving and loved (McClung, 2017) and that self-love involves having
respect for ones physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health, and comprises the
following tenets: self-knowledge; choosing to let go of the past to live in the present;
spirituality; clarity of intention; and non-judgement from self-acceptance and
interconnectedness (Ferris, 1988, p. 50).

Therefore, while the classic view pertaining to self-love linked the concept with
narcissism, contemporary literature indicates that there is an affirmative attribute of
self-love associated with positive self-worth, which can be interpreted as self-
esteem. Also, it must be noted that in contemporary literature, self-love appears to
be almost completely interchangeable with self-esteem (The correlation between
self-love and self-esteem has not been explored). Subsequently, an extrapolation
from the literature described above suggests that there are two opposing
representations of self-love: self-esteem and narcissism. In the present research, the
concept of self-love is therefore operationalised as comprising a combination of
these two factors. Based on this premise, a person who demonstrates a healthy level

7
of self-love could be interpreted as somebody who presents with a low level of
narcissism and a high self-esteem.

1.1.6. Ego-strength

The concept of ego-strength is derived from the psychoanalytic theory and

refers to the healthy adaptive functioning of the ego (Schamess, 2004). Freud
conceptualised the ego as an intrapsychic substructure that serves the essential
organising and synthesising functions that are necessary for an individual to adapt to
the external world (Freud, 1936). When the ego performs these functions
adequately, individuals are said to experience themselves as a coherent, functioning
being with an enduring sense of personal identity; and are said to possess ego-
strength (Bjorklund, 2000). Ego-strength is said to support the individual and
enhance coping capacities under stress (Norris, Kunes-Connell, Stockard, Ehrhart, &
Newton, 1987). It has also been defined as certain qualities which begin to animate
man pervasively during successive stages of his life (Erikson, 1965, p. 3) and are at
the core of Eriksons conceptions of psychosocial adjustment and well-being.

Ego-strength has been reported as having both intrapsychic and interpersonal

dimensions (Bjorklund, 2000). It implies a composite of internal psychological
capacities, both cognitive and affective, that individuals bring to their interactions with
others and with the social environment. Ego-strength reportedly reflects a persons
capacity for adaptability, cohesive identity, personal resourcefulness, self-efficacy,
and self-esteem (Schamess, 2004). Indicators of ego-strength include interpersonal
competence, a sense of purpose, life satisfaction, and the capacity for meaningful
activity (Schamess, 2004). It is reported to support the individual across
developmental stages in the pursuit of life goals, dreams, and ambitions, especially
under stressful conditions or during turbulent times and provide individuals with a
cohesive sense of self ensuring coping abilities and increase as individuals grow in
maturity (Schamess, 2004).

8
1.2. Exploring the causal relationship between self-love and reciprocal-love.

The notion that self-love is a necessary precursor for reciprocal-love appears

to be widely accepted in culture. At the same time, however, some evidence appears
to support the opposite causation. The following section is aimed at attempting to
elucidate the possible origins of this popular belief as well as reviewing the available
literature that favours each of the two opposing notions.

1.2.1. Self-love as a precursor for reciprocal-love

The popular belief that self-love is a precursor for loving others is endorsed by
many religious and spiritual texts, self-help/personal development books and web
pages (e.g. Brown, 2006; Rinzler & Watterson, 2015; Rose, 1980; Rosenbaum,
2011; Krsnaknows, 2014; Nwaokeleme, 2009; Wright 2008).

For example, Rinzler and Watterson (2015) wrote: you must learn to befriend
yourself even before thinking of loving other people. If you are constantly at war with
yourself, how do you think you can live peacefully with another? If you cannot love
yourself, you cannot love anyone else. Brown (2006) suggested that when you
dont love yourself, you will abuse yourself, and you will allow others to abuse you.
You must establish a good, positive and loving relationship with yourself before you
can have successful relationships with others. (p 40). Another author concluded that
youve got to love yourself before you can love anybodyloving others is more
important than loving oneself and that loving oneself is important only as the
necessary preliminary step to the greater good of loving others (Rose, 1980 p 91).

Nwaokeleme (2009) stipulated that your capacity to love others cannot grow
unless you first have a capacity to love yourself. More so, the author suggested that
this belief likely originated from the Bible, which acknowledged that to show love to
others, you must first love yourself. Leviticus 19v18 says: though shalt love thy
neighbour as thyself Numerous other authors have also referred to this verse in
the Bible and interpreted it as meaning that self-love is a precursor for reciprocal-
love (e.g. Basel & Basel, 2013; Gregory, 2016; McDowell & McDowell, 2013; Meyer,
2011; Roger, 1982)

The persistence of this belief may also be due to a misinterpretation of the

work by Erikson (1963). It is possible that the notion of identity may have been
9
interpreted as a definition of self-love, and intimacy as loving others; in-turn
suggesting that self-love leads to loving others. However, while there is much
evidence in support of the proposition that an established sense of identity in the
teenage years predicts stable platonic and romantic relationships in adulthood (e.g.
Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010; Kahn, Zimmerman, Csikszentmihalyi & Getzels,
1985; Kroger, 2015; Kuiper, Kirsh & Maiolino, 2016; Sneed, Whitbourne, Schwartz &
Huang 2012), these findings do not unequivocally support the notion that self-love is
a precursor for loving others.

Another origin of the popular belief that self-love is a precursor for reciprocal-
love, may be linked to the self-esteem movement. Self-esteem has been defined as
reflecting a persons overall subjective emotional evaluation of his or her own worth
(Hewitt, 2009). This movement originated in the late 1960s / early 1970s from the
Humanistic Psychology (also known as the Human Potential Movement) and is
characterised by a promotion of positive self-views as remedy for a range of social
ills. In particular, the California Taskforce to promote Self-Esteem and Personal and
Social Responsibility argued that self-esteem could help alleviate drug use,
poverty/unemployment and pre-marital sex (Mecca, Smelser & Vasconcellos, 1988).
This campaign led to a burst of public interest in self-esteem and a perception that it
is a necessary component to basic human functioning. As the message that was
essentially put forth suggested that high self-worth was good for keeping a job,
staying off drugs and remaining in school; it was subsequently assumed that it might
also be good for maintaining interpersonal relationships (Campbell & Baumeister,
2003). Today, popular books on self-esteem often appear to consider it a truism that
self-love is necessary for loving others. Nathaniel Branden, one of the most prolific
authors on self-esteem, notes that it is not difficult to see the importance of self-
esteem to success in romantic relationships and makes explicit reference to the
phrase If you do not love yourself, you will be unable to love others (Branden,
1994, pp. 7-8). Other authors echo this point, for example You may well have
noticed that people who love themselves find it easy to love others and to accept
love from others (Dolan, 1999).

In examining other possible explanations for the notion that self-love should
promote loving others, it is possible that individuals, who do not love themselves,
enter relationships which are not positive and injurious to their well-being. Such

10
people may believe that others cannot love them, resulting in an avoidance of
healthy relationships (Campbell & Baumeister, 2003; Campbell, Foster & Finkel,
2002).

In summary, there appears a plethora of informal literature that supports the

popular belief that self-love is a precursor for reciprocal-love, however, none of the
works appear to be founded upon empirical evidence. Furthermore, while scientific
research surrounding self-esteem may imply that self-love is necessary for
reciprocal-love, it does not, however, shed light on any causation.

1.2.2. Reciprocal-love as a precursor for self-love

It is possible that when people learn to reciprocate love, they subsequently

grow to love themselves. While this perspective is definitely plausible, there is
significantly less available literature that supports this notion. Campbell and
Baumeister (2003), who, following their analysis of literature concluded that the
process of giving and receiving love may provide a boost to self-love under
favourable circumstances, and this seems to represent the strongest link between
loving self and loving others. Others such as Pearsall (2005) suggested that loving
others makes us more love-worthy and lovable and Frankfurt (1999) argued that
the purest form of love is self-love; however this is a disinterested concern for
whatever it is that the person loves. Also, in a study showing correlations between
love styles and self-esteem levels, Hendrick and Hendrick (1986) found that people
with lower self-esteem are unable to truly give love to others in relationships.

The literature that appears most supportive of the argument favouring

reciprocal-love being a precursor for self-love comes from the works of Maslow
(1968). In his work on the theory of human motivation, Maslow (1968) spoke of
deficiency D love. This is a basic love which an individual uses in order to correct
for the failings or deficits in the self. This concept clearly indicates that Maslow felt
that self-love was not necessary for loving others. His definition of deficit love is likely
to be based on a lack of self-love, whereby a person with poor self-love could
increase their sense of self by attaching onto a person with high self-love.
Furthermore, an examination of Maslows (1968) well-known and commonly
accepted Hierarchy of Needs denotes that people first address their most urgent,

11
basic needs and only move on to higher needs when the basic ones are satisfied
(Maslow, 1968). In this hierarchy, belongingness needs are more basic to human
functioning than self-esteem needs, thus suggesting that giving/receiving love is a
precursor to self-love.

In summary, while there is quantitatively less literature that is available and

that favours the possibility that reciprocal-love is a precursor for self-love, unlike the
popular belief, this causation appears to be underpinned by theoretical research.
Furthermore, as science denotes that theory be tested, literature is available that
validates Maslows research using empirical evidence (Davis-Sharts, 1986, Kenrick
et al., 2010).

1.3 Aims and Hypotheses

As discussed earlier, the present research is premised on the assumption that

a good ego-strength is first necessary before the ability to love (self or others) is
possible (Erikson, 1963). Furthermore, the researcher is cognisant that causality
requires temporal precedence and this cannot be determined with cross-sectional
data. Thus the following hypotheses rest on the arguments presented above about a
plausible developmental trajectory which requires that ego-strength precedes the
capacity for reciprocal-love which in turn precedes the development of self-love.
Based on this and as can be seen in Figure 1, the aim is to explore whether ego-
strength predicts reciprocal-love (A) and whether ego-strength predicts self-love (B).
Also, given that empirically validated theoretical literature favours the argument that
reciprocal love is a precursor for self-love, this research will test whether reciprocal-
love mediates a predictive relationship between ego-strength and self-love (C).

12
Figure 1. Conceptual relationship models for aims. A: Ego-strength and Reciprocal-love; B: Ego-
strength and Self-love; and C: the mediation effect of Reciprocal-love for Ego-strength and Self-love
IV: Independent Variable
DV: Dependent Variable
M: Mediator

To the authors knowledge, this research is the first to test the relationship
between ego-strength and self-love (indexed as self-esteem and healthy narcissism),
as mediated by reciprocal-love. The elucidation of this relationship may provide
important implications for understanding the human developmental trajectory as well
as elucidating processes that an individual may take when faced with the goals of
improving their well-being. Hence, it was hypothesised that reciprocal-love is a
second order factor comprising two first order factors: platonic and romantic love
(hypothesis 1), that ego-strength will positively predict reciprocal-love (hypothesis 2),
that ego-strength will positively predict self- love (hypothesis 3), and that reciprocal-
love will mediate the relationship between ego- strength and self-love (hypothesis 4).

13
 2.0. Method

2.1. Participants

One-hundred and eighty-six participants comprising 58 males (32.4%) and

121 females (67.6%) took part in the study. Inclusion criteria were that participants
were: (i) aged between 20 and 39 years, and (ii) currently involved in a romantic
relationship. This age range was chosen to reflect Eriksons sixth stage of
Psychosocial Development which pertains to questions and developing capacity to
love/enter relationships (Erikson, 1963).

2.2. Measures

The data were collected using an online survey containing demographic

measures as well as measures of the variables of interest. Details of each specific
measure are described in the subsequent sections below.

2.2.1. Ego-strength

The Quiet Ego Scale (QES), (Wayment et al. 2015) was used to measure
Ego-Strength, identified as a compassionate self-identity, conceptualised as the
theoretical intersection of four well-known psychological characteristics: detached
awareness, inclusive identity, perspective taking, and growth. The QES is a fourteen
item scale whereby respondents rate on a 5-point Likert scale (1 = strongly disagree;
5 = strongly agree) (check APA style guide). Examples of questions include: I think
it is important to have new experiences that challenge how you think about yourself
and the world and I have the sense that I have developed a lot as a person over
time. Higher scores indicate higher ego strength characteristics. In this study, the
Cronbachs alpha for the 14 item scale was 0.84 (M= 53.08, SD = 7.59). Other
studies have reported similar statistics with = 0.75 (M = 58.77, SD = 9.01)
(Wayment & Bauer, 2017), also, = 0.78 (M = 55.22, SD = 7.42) (Wayment et al.
2015).

14
2.2.2. Self-love
As was discussed in the literature review, the construct pertaining to self-love
is operationalised in the present research as comprising of self-esteem and
narcissism. Consequently, in order to cover the various elements of the construct,
two separate measures were adopted; one measuring self-esteem and the second
measuring narcissism. The measures are presented below:

The Rosenbergs Self-Esteem Scale (RSES) (Rosenberg, 1965) was used to

assess self-esteem (as the first indicator of self-love). Participants responded to the
ten item inventory measured on a 4-point Likert scale from 1 (strongly disagree) to 4
(strongly agree). Positively coded questions included On the whole, I am satisfied
with myself and negatively coded questions included: I wish I could have more
respect for myself. Higher scores reflected higher levels of self-esteem. In this
study, the Cronbachs alpha for the 10 item scale was 0.88 (M= 20.66, SD = 4.96).
Other studies such as Sinclair et al. (2010) have reported similar internal consistency
statistics with = 0.91 (M = 22.62, SD = 5.80). Dobson et al. (1979) reported a
Cronbachs of 0.77, while Flemming and Courtney (1984) reported a Cronbachs
of 0.88.
The Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) (Raskin & Terry, 1988) was used
to measure the second indicator of self-love. It is a forty-item, forced choice, self-
report measure of trait narcissism that generates a global narcissism score as well
as scores on several subscales. Participants were asked to choose between options
such as A: I have a natural talent for influencing people or B: I am not good at
influencing people. The Cronbachs alpha for the total score was calculated to be
0.80 (M = 14.07 SD = 6.11), which is consistent with the results attained by Raskin &
Terry, (1988), = 0.83 (M = 15.55 SD = 6.66). Other studies such as Emmons,
(1987) and Ackerman et al., (2011) have also demonstrated good internal
consistencies of 0.87 and 0.84, respectively. Following Ackerman et al (2011), the
construct of Narcissism was initially portrayed as comprising 3-factors
(Leadership/Authority, Grandiose Exhibitionism and Entitlement/Exploitativeness). In
keeping with the studies by Ackerman et al, (2011) and Pryor, Miller & Gaughan,
(2008) it was concluded that the Entitlement/Exploitativeness dimension was
generally linked to maladaptive outcomes, thus not fitting with this researchs
conceptualisation of healthy narcissism. Thus it was omitted from the analysis.
15
Leadership/Authority was represented by 11 items (items 1, 5, 10, 11, 12, 27, 32, 33,
34, 36 and 40), and negative statements were reversed scored, ( =0.68, M = 3.87,
SD = 2.10 Grandiose Exhibitionism was represented by 10 items (items 4, 7, 15, 19,
20, 26, 28, 29, 30 and 38), and positive statements were reversed scored ( = 0.66,
M = 1.57, SD = 1.49). Ackerman et al, 2011) reported Cronbachs alpha for the
Leadership/Authority subscale as 0.75 and 0.66 for Grandiose Exhibitionism
subscale. Although the reliability coefficient in the current study for the
Leadership/Authority subscale was less than that reported by Ackerman (2011) and
both were less than the benchmark of 0.70, the measures were used with the caveat
about low reliability being deemed as reasonable.

2.2.3. Reciprocal-love

The McGill Friendship Questionnaire-Respondent's Affection (MFQ-RA)

(short-version) (Mendelson & Aboud, 1999) was used to measure Platonic Love as
one of the two first order factors hypothesised to indicate Reciprocal-Love. The
MFQ-RA is a thirty-item questionnaire that taps participants assessment of the
degree to which a friend fulfils six friendship functions: Stimulating Companionship,
Help, Intimacy, Reliable Alliance, Self-Validation and Emotional Security.
Participants rated their agreement with each positively worded item on a nine-point
Likert scale (-4 - 4), which has four points labelled (-3 = very much disagree, -1 =
somewhat disagree, 1 = somewhat agree, and 3 = very much agree). Participants
were instructed to imagine that the blank space in each item contained their friends
name and example items included _ is fun to do things with and _ is someone I
can tell private things to. The alpha for the 30 item scale was found to be 0.96 (M=
206.75, SD = 28.07). Previous studies have also demonstrated good internal
consistency with = 0.86 (Mendelson & Aboud, 1999) and 0.84 (Thomson and
Esses, 2016). Participants were scored on each of the functions by summing their
scores. These scores were then used as indicators (item parcels) for the factor
Platonic Love.

The Triangular Love Scale (TLS) (Sternberg, 1988) was used to measure the
second first-order factor of Reciprocal-Love (Romantic Love). It consists of three

16
sub-scales (Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment) with 15 items for each. Sample
items included I feel close to my friend, I especially like physical contact with my
friend, and I am committed to maintaining my relationship with me friend.
Participants rated their agreement with the statements on a 9-point Likert scale,
where 1 was not at all and 9 was extremely so. The alpha for the 45 item scale
was 0.97 (M= 334.33, SD = 54.50). This instrument has been found to be both
reliable and valid in previous research (e.g., = 0.84 (Aron & Westbay, 1996); =
0.97 (Whitley, 1993)). Participants were scored on each of the subscales by
summing their scores. These scores were then used as indicators (item parcels) for
the factor Romantic Love.

2.3. Procedure

Following ethical approval, participants were recruited predominately via

social media (Facebook) and word of mouth/snowball effect. The participants were
provided with a copy of the Plain Language Information Statement (PLIS) (Appendix)
that outlined the aims and procedures for the research. The consenting participants
were then asked to complete a 137 item online questionnaire created and
administered through a secure website (Survey Monkey) (refer to Appendix),
estimated to take 30 minutes. Cairnmillar Institute Ethics Approval Code:
2016/01419-15.

For the Confirmatory Factor Analysis (CFA) and Structural Equation Model
(SEM) Goodness-of-fit indices were employed to determine the degree to which the
theoretical model as a whole is consistent with the empirical data. The fit statistics
included the Chi-Square test (2), where values <05 signify that a model may not be
a perfect fit for the data (Cheung & Rensvold, 2002; Hu and Bentler, 1995). Also
used was the Chi-Square/df ratio, for which it has been suggested that the ratio of
2:1 signifies a good fit of a model (Hair et al., 1995; Kline, 1998). In addition to these,
the comparative fit index (CFI), Tucker-Lewis index (TLI) and normed fit index (NFI)
were employed. For all three indices, the proposed model needed to compare well
(or exceed), a null model per the cut-off point (0.90). Finally, the root mean square
error of approximation (RMSEA) and the standardised root mean square error of
approximation (SRMR) were used as absolute fit measures to assess the models

17
under study. RMSEA scores below 0.05 have been reported to indicate close model
fit and values between 0.05 and 0.08 indicate reasonable error (Browne & Cudeck,
1993; Hu and Bentler, 1998). For the SRMR, typical values <0.05 have been
reported as preferred for model fit (Hu and Bentler, 1998).

In the current study the factor loadings on each of the first order factors were
used as benchmarks for reliability, whereby standardised loadings above 0.60 were
deemed as good indicators of reliability for the item parcels in question.

18
 3.0. Results

3.1. Data Cleaning, Univariate and Multivariate Normality

The data were screened for missing values. Subsequently 16 cases were
deleted since the participants had failed to complete a significant number or all of the
items on one or more of the measures used in the research. The final sample
comprised 169 cases. All of the variables were then screened for univariate and
multivariate normality. The results are shown in Table 1.

Table 1.
Univariate and multivariate normality statistics
Variable min Max skew c.r. kurtosis
Ego Strength 20 68 -1.06 -5.61 2.26
Self Esteem 10 31.69 -0.03 -0.14 -0.63
Exhibitionism 0 5 0.56 2.97 -0.96
Leadership 0 8 -0.11 -0.58 -0.91
Intimacy 30 135 -1.31 -6.96 2.62
Passion 23 135 -0.74 -3.92 0.31
Commitment 37 137.12 -1.44 -7.62 1.82
Companionship 11 41.6 -1.52 -8.08 2.53
Help 7 40 -1.16 -6.16 1.53
Friendship Intimacy 14 40 -1.33 -7.08 1.5
Reliable Alliance 21 40.23 -2 -10.6 3.79
Self -Validation 6 40 -1.5 -7.98 2.94
Emotional Security 6 40 -1.59 -8.42 3.3
Multivariate 59.72

For this model the skewness coefficients were all |1.59| and kurtosis coefficients
were all |3.79| and thus less than the recommended cut-off points of |3.00| and
|8.00| respectively (Kline, 1998). This indicated that the variables obeyed univariate
normality. The critical ratio for Mardias coefficient was 19.66 indicating that the
variables in the model were not strictly multivariate normal (Newsom, 2005). A
departure from multivariate normality can inflate the Chi-Square statistic and thus

19
increase the chance of a Type 1 error (rejecting a model which is acceptable in
terms of fit). Thus the Chi-Square statistic was interpreted with this in mind and
bootstrapped bias corrected confidence intervals for parameter estimates were
checked to determine if the deviation from multivariate normality was an issue. The
bias in the standard errors was minimal and did not affect the inferences that were
made in connection with the hypotheses proposed.

3.2. Descriptives

Age and gender demographics as well as descriptive analyses were run on all
participants using frequencies to determine mean score and standard deviations for
the overall scales, and where appropriate, sub-scales. Demographics are displayed
in Table 2.

Table 2.
Demographic Characteristics of Participants
Variable % Sample (n)
Demographic
variables Gender
Male 32.4 (58)
Female 67.6 (121)
Age
20-21 1.62 (3)
22-23 1.08 (2)
24-25 9.73 (18)
26-27 14.05 (26)
28-29 11.35 (21)
30-31 17.3 (32)
32-33 12.44 (23)
34-35 15.14 (28)
36-37 10.27 (19)
38-39 7.02 (13)
Note. Total 185 participants, n = number of participants

3.3. Structural Equation Modelling

Hypothesis testing was conducted using the AMOS (Arbuckle, 2014) software
available in SPSS Version 22. AMOS was used as it allows one to simultaneously
test the factor structure of latent constructs and to test for mediation using the logic
20
of Baron and Kenny (1986) but in a more streamlined manner. The structural
equation model that was composed to test the hypotheses is shown in Figure 2.

2
Figure 2. Conceptual Structural Equation Model (including standardised factor loadings and R
values) for the Relationship between Ego Strength, Self-Love and Reciprocal-Love.

3.4. Factor Analysis

Initially, the factorability of the Leadership/Authority and Grandiose

Exhibitionism dimensions of the NPI were examined in AMOS based on the
recommendations presented in Ackermans (2011). Results showed that 1 item on
the Leadership/Authority scale (A1) and 3 items on the Exhibitionism scale (M1)
were not statistically significant (p>0.05). These items along with all standardised
factor loadings below 0.3 (as recommended by Ackerman (2011)), were deleted from
the analysis. After deleting items and re-running the analysis; all factor loadings were
found to be significant, however, two items from the retained list showed factor
loadings slightly below 0.3. It was decided not to omit these from the analysis as they
were only marginally below 0.3 (0.29 and 0.26). It was therefore confirmed that for
both factors each item shared some common variance with all other items pertaining
to that factor (Table 3). The items for each dimension were then parcelled (8 items
for Leadership/Authority and 5 items for Grandiose Exhibitionism). The RSES is

21
known to be unidimensional. Thus the 10 items comprising the scale were parcelled
to represent the third factor indicating Self-Love (Self-Esteem).

Table 3.
Factor loadings for the Leadership/Authority and Grandiose Exhibitionism dimensions of adapted
version of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (N = 169)
CFA (NPI)
Item number Unstandardised S.E. C.R. p Standardised
q1 - A1 1.00 0.51
q10 - A1 1.80 0.33 5.48 *** 0.78
q11 - A1 0.80 0.23 3.49 *** 0.35
q12 - A1 0.62 0.23 2.73 0.01 0.26
q32 - A1 1.06 0.25 4.26 *** 0.45
q33 - A1 1.23 0.26 4.69 *** 0.53
q36- A1 1.02 0.24 4.28 *** 0.46
q40 - A1 0.66 0.22 2.98 0.00 0.29
q4 - M1 1.00 0.35
q7 - M1 2.55 0.60 4.25 *** 0.73
q20 - M1 1.02 0.31 3.31 *** 0.37
q26 - M1 1.62 0.45 3.59 *** 0.44
q36 - M1 3.20 0.75 4.24 *** 0.92

*** p 0.001
A1: Leadership/Authority
M1: Grandiose Exhibitionism

Goodness-of-fit indices were then employed to determine the degree to which

the theoretical model as a whole is consistent with the empirical data. The model fit
statistics are presented in Table 4. Results indicated that both models were a good
fit 2 = 93.75 (64, N = 169), p>0.05 (NPI) and 2 = 99.27 (61, N = 169), p>0.05 (Full
model). Following the guidelines reported by Walker (2010), the Chi-Square statistic
was not given much weight since it is known to be affected by multivariate non-
normality and biased downwards in small samples (<200). Similarly, the NFI indices
was not given much weight as it has been reported that the statistic behaves
erratically across estimation methods under conditions of small sample sizes (<200)
and as generally not being a good indicator for evaluating model fits when the
sample size is small (Marsh et al. 1988). The RMSEA value for the NPI model was
0.05 suggesting a good fit, and 0.06 for the full model, indicating an adequate fit.
SRMR value (0.06) for both models was above the suggested cut-off point of >0.05,
also indicating a good fit.

22
Table 4.
Model Fit Statistics for Narcissistic Personality Inventory and Full model

Model 2 df 2/df CFI TLI NFI RMSEA SRMR

NPI 93.75 64 1.46 0.92 0.90 0.79 0.05 0.06
FULL 99.27 61 1.63 0.96 0.95 0.91 0.06 0.06
Note: 2 =chi-square, df = degrees of freedom, 2/df = ratio of 2 to df, CFI = comparative fit index, TLI =
Tucker-Lewis index, NFI = normed fit index, RMSEA = root mean square error of approximation, SRMR =
standardised root mean square error of approximation

Table 5 shows parameter estimates and significance levels for the research
model. As may be seen in Table 5, each of the parameter estimates for construct of
self-love were significant. Similarly, all of the parameter estimates for the items
pertaining to platonic and romantic love were significant. This is also true for
reciprocal-love whose significance denoted that it is a second order factor comprised
of two first-order factors (platonic and romantic love). Thus, hypothesis 1 (reciprocal-
love is a second order factor comprised of two first order factors being platonic and
romantic love) was supported.

Table 5.
Factor loadings and communalities for the Full Model (N =169)
Factors Unstandardised S.E. C.R. p Standardised
Reciprocal-Love Ego Strength 0.66 0.18 3.72 *** 0.40
Platonic Love Reciprocal-Love 0.21 0.06 3.21 0.00 0.50
Romantic Love Reciprocal-Love 1.00 0.73
Self-Love Reciprocal-Love 0.04 0.02 2.20 0.03 0.47
Self-Love Ego Strength 0.01 0.02 0.89 0.38 0.10
Emotional Security Platonic Love 1.00 0.88
Self-Validation Platonic Love 1.00 0.07 14.17 *** 0.84
Reliable Alliance Platonic Love 0.49 0.05 9.11 *** 0.63
Friendship Intimacy Platonic Love 0.76 0.07 10.97 *** 0.71
Help Platonic Love 0.99 0.07 13.97 *** 0.82
Companionship Platonic Love 0.84 0.06 14.05 *** 0.83
Commitment Romantic Love 1.00 0.84
Passion Romantic Love 1.01 0.08 12.11 *** 0.81
Intimacy Romantic Love 0.93 0.07 13.61 *** 0.91
Leadership Self-Love 1.00 0.50
Exhibitionism Self-Love 0.47 0.14 3.47 *** 0.34
Self Esteem Self-Love 4.09 1.08 3.80 *** 0.87
*** p 0.001

The analysis also revealed that ego strength was positively correlated with
reciprocal-love (p 0.01) for which the total standardised effect was 0.4, thus
supporting hypothesis 2 (that ego-strength will positively predict reciprocal-love). A
23
simple regression was used to test hypothesis 3. That regression showed that the
total standardised effect of ego-strength on self-love was 0.29, p < .001. Thus
hypothesis 3 was supported. In the full model, full mediation was indicated since the
coefficients for the path from ego strength to reciprocal-love, and from reciprocal-
love to self-love, were both statistically significant, however, the direct effect of ego-
strength on self-love (0,10) was not statistically significant, p =.38. Thus, hypothesis
4 was supported and the effect of ego-strength on self-love was fully mediated by
reciprocal-love.

24
 4.0. Discussion

This study was the first to examine the mediating effect of reciprocal-love on
the predictive relationship between ego-strength and self-love. This relationship was
tested to provide novel inferences for understanding the human developmental
trajectory as well as to elucidate processes that an individual may take when faced
with the goals of improving their well-being. Three of the four hypotheses were
supported, with findings indicating that platonic and romantic love are first-order
factors which reflect a second-order factor of reciprocal-love (hypothesis 1), the
significant positive effect of ego-strength on reciprocal-love (hypothesis 2), and effect
of ego-strength on self-love was fully mediated by reciprocal-love (hypothesis 4).

4.1. Reciprocal-love

Hypothesis 1 was supported. Romantic-love and platonic-love were first order

indicators of a second-order factor, reciprocal-love. While this factorability has not
been empirically evaluated previously, the present results were consistent with
literature that observed that platonic and romantic loves only differ on factors
pertaining to sexual attraction/intimacy (Hendrick & Hendrick 1993). The results
indicated that romantic and platonic love converge to yield a higher order, latent
construct named reciprocal-love. Furthermore, as was noted earlier, there exist other
facets pertaining to reciprocal-love including maternal-love (such as that shared
between a mother and child) and brotherly-love (such as that between siblings),
however these relate more to love that is instinctual, rather than emerging
developmentally through late adolescence and adulthood (Helm, 2010). For this
reason, these types of love were not examined nor included in the present research.
With this exclusion in mind and no evidence other than logic, it would be reasonable
to assume that the facets that are platonic and romantic-love are accurate global
representatives of reciprocal-love.

25
4.2. Effect of ego-strength on reciprocal-love

Hypothesis 2 was supported. Ego-strength positively predicted reciprocal-

love, though the effect size was moderate. This finding added validity to the
theoretical works of Erikson (1963), which inferred that the development of a healthy
ego-strength is first necessary before the capacity to love emerges. This finding was
also consistent with empirical studies which reported that identity formation precedes
intimacy (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010; Rosenthal et al., 1981; Rotenberg et al.,
1993). The extrapolation of these results suggest that although a strong ego
development can be seen as laying the base for the capacity to form mutual,
reciprocal relationships, it is the successful integration of aspects of the self and
others (relational identity achievement), that carries over the effect of ego
development in adolescence to intimacy in emerging adulthood (Beyers & Seiffge-
Krenke, 2010). This highlights the fact that while evidence favours a developmental
trajectory, identity develops in a web or relational contexts and that these
experiences need to be integrated in order to establish a healthy identity, which in-
turn may then serve as a precursor for developing the capacity to reciprocate love.

4.3. Effect of ego-strength on self-love

Hypothesis 3 was supported as a significant correlation between ego-strength

and self-love was found. However it was revealed that this relationship was no
longer significant when reciprocal-love was included in the model. This result
challenged Eriksons developmental trajectory as it indicated that the capacity for
self-love was not directly affected by identity formation. Possible justifications for why
this outcome was achieved may be linked to the fact that Erikson himself, suggested
that some of his concepts may be restricted by era (Erikson, 1982). Also, according
to Beyers and Seiffge-Krenke (2010), prior to mid-20th century, life, particularly in
western culture, was more institutionalised and transitions from one stage to another
were more clearly regulated by cultural norms. Young people were socialised by
learning from their parents, relationships with partners were governed by traditional
rules that were beyond questioning, and elders served as models for identity and
intimacy development. While the current achievement of a mature identity and
subsequent establishment of intimacy is still widely regarded as a developmental

26
hurtle, the cultural freedom as well as availability of information associated with
maturation, denotes that the developmental transition has now become substantially
more challenging to traverse (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010). The ensuing
prolonged need to focus on identity formation may act to discourage individuals from
focussing inwardly during future developmental stage, resulting in an avoidance of
the exploration of self-love.

4.4. Reciprocal-love as mediator

Importantly, hypothesis 4 was supported, as reciprocal-love fully mediated the

relationship between ego-strength and self-love, though the overall effect was of a
moderate size. The results indicated that the development of an ego-strength leads
to the ability to reciprocate love which in-turn leads to the capacity for self-love. It
must be noted, however, that the present study did not test the predictive aspect of
the separate subscales of reciprocal-love; therefore, it is important to interpret the
mediating effects only in relation to a higher order construct of reciprocal-love. In the
present study, this causal relationship between self-love and reciprocal-love was
further validated by the fact that a direct relationship between ego-strength and self-
love alone, was not found. Had Eriksons theory been supported and ego-strength
was found to positively predict self-love, a much higher effect size between ego-
strength and reciprocal-love would have been necessary in order to warrant a
mediation effect. The finding that reciprocal-love was a predictor of self-love was
consistent with past literature (Campbell & Baumeister, 2003; Frankfurt, 1999;
Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986; Pearsall, 2005), and is the first to invalidate the popular
belief (that self-love is a precursor for reciprocal-love) using empirical data. Notably,
this research also added validity to the theoretical works of Maslow (1968), in
particularly, the Hierarchy of Needs, by supporting the hypothesis that belongingness
needs precede self-esteem needs. The present research is the first to empirically
affirm this precedence.

27
4.5. Implications

The present findings have important implications for further understanding the
human developmental trajectory. Specifically, they empirically support the
importance for individuals to form a healthy self-identity/ego-strength resulting from a
thorough exploration of their personal values, beliefs and goals. A lack of
accomplishment within this developmental phase may subsequently impede the
development of the capacity to love. The findings from this research also imply the
importance of connection within a social environment for the adolescent and adult
development, where individuals need to learn to reciprocate love, both in platonic
and romantic settings. The success derived from the learnt ability to reciprocate love,
would in-turn allow for an individual to focus inwardly and advance their well-being
by growing to love themselves.

Following the guidelines from the popular belief, an individual focussing on

spiritual growth by consciously increasing the level of self-love, would likely isolate
and focus inwardly. The outcome of such an experience would most likely result in
suffering due to a decrease in social connection and a subsequent decrease in self-
love. This research therefore adds validity to therapeutic theories that advocate the
importance of interpersonal strategies for increasing well-being. Furthermore, the
empirical findings from this research may provide significant implications for the
development of step-wise techniques aimed at consciously increasing self-love, both
in a general and clinical setting.

4.6. Strengths, limitations and future research

One of the biggest issues faced in the present research pertains to the lack of
previous empirical data that explored the relationship between reciprocal-love and
self-love. This, together with the difficulty associated with defining each of the love
constructs, minimised the basis for comparison of the appropriateness of each
measure, and in-turn affecting the subsequent inference of results. Given the
difficulty associated with defining the various constructs pertaining to love, it would
therefore be beneficial to attempt to replicate the findings from this study by using
different measures that categorically explore the various constructs of love from

28
different perspectives. Other limitations include the fact that the sample size used in
the present study was small and replication is warranted using larger studies, which
would allow the testing of models with latent variables. Also, as causality requires
temporal precedence and this cannot be determined with cross-sectional data, future
studies using longitudinal data would be crucial for validating the findings and
implications of this research.

Aside from the novelty of the research, strengths of this study include a
sample that was collected using social media. This ensured for a multinational
diversity of participants, thus minimising a culturally-constrained sample bias. This
research also incorporated adequate analyses that do not rely on assumptions that
are usually violated in relatively small samples (e.g., normality).

Conclusively, beyond the depicted developmental chronology pertaining to

ego-strength, self-love and reciprocal-love, the actual connection between these
constructs is clearly much more complex than a simple precedence. With respect to
love, there exists such an extensive amount of non-scientific literature, as well as it
being a constant source of talk and enquiry, both in everyday life and the media. It is
therefore no wonder that myths arise. It is the contention of the author that the
present research has taken the first step towards providing evidence that has
scientifically challenged the unfounded popular belief that self-love is a precursor for
loving-others, by conceding that in the wake of a developed identity, reciprocal-love
is actually proceeded by self-love.

29
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Appendix

40
 Plain Language Information Statement

Date: April 2016

Full Project Title: The relationship between adult Ego-strength and Intimacy:
exploring Self-love and Reciprocal-love.
Principal Researcher: Dr Stephen Andrew

Student Researcher: Dr Yury Shamis

To Participant:

This Plain Language Information Statement contains information about the research
project. Its purpose is to explain to you the procedures involved in this project so that
you can make a fully informed decision regarding your participation.

Please be aware that participation in this study is voluntary and that no identifying
information will be collected. As a participant, you have the right to withdraw from
this study at any time, however, once the data has been collected, it cannot be
removed from the research. As you will be asked to complete an online
questionnaire, your consent, which formally states your understanding of the
research and willingness to participate, is implied by the submission of the
completed survey.

This research is being conducted to explore the relationship between ego identity
and intimacy and the relationship between self-love and loving others. It aims to
address the question: Is self-love necessary for giving/receiving love or is loving
others/receiving love necessary to love the self?

You have been approached to participate as you meet the criteria for being an adult,
are currently involved in a romantic relationship and aged between 20-39 years; as
this is the age range where it is believed that the questions of love are predominately
explored. By completing the questionnaire you may gain insight into the quality of
your platonic, romantic and intrapersonal relationships, including your ego strength,
level of narcissism and self-esteem. The nature of the questionnaire may temporarily
impact on your interaction in the social setting by making you reflect upon the quality
of your relationships. However, as a participant you have access to the principal
researcher via phone and email, who can debrief you if necessary. Also, if you have
concerns about the conduct of the research project, you can contact the Secretary to
the Ethics Committee whose contact details appear at the end of this form.

41
If you agree to participate in this study you will be required to complete a 116 item
multiple choice online questionnaire which is estimated to take 30 minutes to
complete. You will also be asked to complete the questionnaire in a single
session.

The research data will be secured on a password protected computer and only the
Principal Researcher and the Student Researcher will have access to the data.
The information collected will be presented as a thesis and may also be published
in a journal article or as conference paper; however, no identifying information will
be included. Furthermore, the data will be destroyed five years after publication of
the thesis or after other papers which arise as a result of the research conducted
are published.

Once you have read this statement and agree to participate in this study, you may
click the hyperlink button below from where you will be transferred to an external
site to begin the online questionnaire. Please allow roughly 30 minutes to answer
all the multiple choice questions and if possible complete the entire questionnaire
in a single sitting.

Any complaints about the project or the way it is conducted may be directed to:

Claire Adkins
The Cairnmillar Institute
993 Burke Rd
Camberwell 3124
Telephone: 9813 3400
Email: claire.adkins@cairnmillar.edu.au.

Thank-you for your time and consideration.

Dr Yury Shamis

42