Shape Your Outer World Before It Shapes You

How To Say NO Toxic People In Your Life.

(Note: This is Part 4 of the 8-Part Series, How To Get Rid Of Bad Habits Now!)
As a teen, I was part of a tiny Catholic youth group.
In that group, I was called St. Francis because I loved Lady Poverty, wore the crummiest
shirts, the most horrid brown sandals, and prayed in the chapel the whole day. (Actually, I
slept most of the time, but thats just a secret between you and me.)
One of my friends was called Brother Leo because he imitated me, the way the real
Brother Leo imitated his master, St. Francis.
If I prayed in a particular waywith my eyes closed, my hands clasped, my head bent down
and tilted to the lefthed pray in the same way.
If I wore an ugly shirt because of my love for poverty, hed wear the same thing.
Because I was good-looking, hed try to be good-looking. (Haha.)
One day, his family left for the US for good, and we lost touch
Six years later, he returned for a visit. The old youth group was excited to have a little
reunion. So we met up with Brother Leo again.
When I saw him at the reunion, I couldnt believe my eyes. Nor could anyone in the room.
Brother Leo was wearing a loud purple shirt with a gold band around his neck. And in thick
slang, he greeted us, Hey Dude!
That wasnt so bad.
While all of us were picking up our jaws from the floor, he said, Lets go out and look for a
real parteeeh. Lets look for some chicks! Man, I love girls!
The transformation was unbelievable.
Where was the prayerful, quiet, humble, pure guy that we knew?
Heres what I learned from life: We need to deliberately shape our outer world before it
shapes us.
What Are The Two Most Powerful Forces
That Shape Your Life?
It was Charlie Tremendous Jones who said that You will be in five years the sum total of
the books you read and the people you are around.
I believe the two most powerful forces that shape our life are our relationshipsand
our media. I repeat: If you know that your outer world shapes you, make a decision now to
shape your outer world. Because you can!
Heres a story of someone who didnt use this power
The Story Of A Wise King
That Wasnt So Wise After All
The Guinness Book of World Records says that no one beats King Solomon when it comes
to wives. The guy had 700 wives with 300 concubines.
Believe me, I wouldnt want to be in his shoes on Valentines Day. The chaos! While walking
around his palace, hed say to one, I love you Leah,; And to another, I love you
Rachael,; And to another still, I love you uh, Melissa or Melanie?
Heres what the Bible says: King Solomon loved many foreign women They were from
nations about which the Lord had told the Israelites, You must not intermarry with them,
because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods. Nevertheless, Solomon held fast
to them in love. (How many of you know that just because youre romantically in love with
someone DOESNT mean that youre supposed to be with that person?) As Solomon grew
old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the
Lord his God[1]
The wisest man on Earth didnt choose his relationships well.
If you dont want to commit his mistake, let me share with you 3 powerful steps to create
your outer world.
The 3 Powerful Steps To Re-Create
Your Outer World
I guarantee you. If you do these 3 steps, youll not only be free from enslaving habits, youll
actually grow yourself and fulfil your greatest dreams.
Step #1: Say No to Toxic People
Step #2: Say Yes to Terrific People
Step #3: Control Your Media
Let me explain these steps one by one
Step #1:
Say No to Toxic People
There are many types of Toxic Persons, but let me focus on 6 types that you should avoid:
Toxic Person #1: Those who encourage your addiction
Toxic Person #2: Those who constantly hurt you
Toxic Person #3: Those who control you through force
Toxic Person #4: Those who control you through manipulation
Toxic Person #5: Those who pass their responsibilities to you
Toxic Person #6: Those who whine about life and invalidate you
Do you have Toxic People in your life? God says, Blessed is the man that walks not in the
counsel of the ungodly, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of the
scornful.[2]
Lets heed those wise words!
Lets find out if you have Toxic People in your life
Toxic Person #1:
Those Who Encourage Your Addiction
You know this story very well because it happens too often.
My friend Jim was a drug addict. He entered a rehab for a year. In that entire year, Jim
didnt touch the drug. He went back home a new man.
Not a few days after, an old friend who used to take drugs with Jim visited him at home and
offered him shabu. Jim said no, I dont take that anymore. But as the days progressed, he
kept on meeting his old friends. After only three months, Jim snorted shabu againand his
addiction was more severe than before.
Question: What caused his downfall?
Answer: He shaped his inner world, but he didnt shape his outer world.
He needed a new set of friends. He needed a new itinerary. He also needed new hobbies,
new music, new activities
Its pretty obvious. If youre an alcoholic, stop hanging out with friends who drink. Hang out
with new friends who dont. If youre a gambler, cut friendships with other gamblers. Hang
out with people who dont gamble. And so on.
Many people dont use their power to choose their friends. They just accept the people who
call up, visit, and appear on their doorstep.
Big mistake. Dont do that. Jesus says If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and
throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to
be thrown into hell.[3]
Go out and choose the kind of people you like to become. (More on this later.)
Toxic Person #2:
Those Who Constantly Hurt You
Do you avoid danger?
If you see a rabid Doberman, foaming in the mouth, sharp fangs exposed, racing towards
you at top speed, would you run away as fast as Flash? Or would you stand there with a
smile, stretch out your hand and say, Here kitty, kitty
I bet youd run faster than you ever did in your entire life.
Unless you have a death wish.
The Wise Book says a prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple (foolish)
keep going and suffer for it.[4]
Heres a sad fact. After my years of counselling hordes of people, Ive realized many have a
death wish when it comes to choosing their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives,
business partners, spiritual leaders, organizations, and friends.
Because they choose abusers.
They get physically abused. Verbally abused. Emotionally abused. Spiritually abused.
And after an abusive relationship breaks up, they jump into another abusive relationship.
Insane, I tell you. But after 27 years in ministry, its more common than you think.
I have only one explanation for this crazy phenomenon: Victims like being victims. Why?
Perhaps because they want to pay for their sins. Or perhaps they feel they deserve the
punishment. Or perhaps they feel superior to the abuser. Or perhaps thats how they get
the empathy from other people.
But this is sick.
Let me shout this to the rooftops: Get rid of all abusers in you life!
Dont Just Stand ThereDo Something!
If your spouse is an abuser, get away as far as possible from him or her. Im not saying get
a divorce right away. But dont live in the same house with an abuseruntil the person gets
help and gets healed.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend is an abuser, what are you doing still sticking with that
person? You should have left the first time abuse took place.
If your organization, fraternity, club, prayer group, or church demeans you, manipulates
you, drains you, abuses youwhy are you still there? Look for a group that blesses you and
nourishes you.
If your business partner steals from you, cheats on you, or disrespects youget out, sell
out, and find another business partner.
Remember: When youre with an abuser, you create more inner pain, and inner pain can
produce more hidden addictions.
Jesus says, Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do,
they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.[5] You are
sacred. You are the pearls. So dont throw yourself to dogs and pigs.
Some people however may not be obviously abusers, but they abuse you in a less obvious
way
Toxic Person #3:
Those Who Control You Through Force
There are people who control you through subtle aggression. They intimidate you. Theyre
bigger. Theyre louder. Theyre scary. Theyre bullies in nice clothes.
The Controller could be your husband. Or your grandmother. Or your friend. Or your boss.
Let me tell you a story I read recently
One day, a young guy was walking on a dark street. Suddenly, out of an Acacia tree, an old
man wrapped in a black robe appeared. His eyes were fierce, his face pale, his beard
unkempt. He pushed a black book towards the young man and ordered, You need to read
this book! Buy it for P700.
The young man was shocked and mumbled, I dont have P700
But the elderly man spoke with a louder voice, You need to read this book! Give me P700.
So with shaking hands, the lad fumbled with his wallet and handed P700 to him. The
mysterious man placed the black book in the chaps hand and said, Whatever you do,
never look at the last page. Or you will regret it. He then walked towards the field behind
them and suddenly disappeared!
The young man went home, shaken to the core. In the evening, he started reading the
book. It was all about ghosts and werewolves and vampires! After awhile, he grew tired,
closed the book and went to bed.
But he couldnt sleep. Tossing and turning, the young man could only think of one thing:
What was on the last page of the book? What will I regret seeing there?
Finally, he couldnt take the suspense any longer. With every ounce of courage he could
muster, he grabbed the black book. With trembling fingers, he opened it to the last page
And when he saw it, at once, waves of regret filled him!
The last page was empty.
Except for a small note that said, P49.50, National Bookstore.
Friend, never get intimidated to do what you dont want to do.
Because often, youll get robbed.
Toxic Person #4:
Those Who Control You Through Manipulation
There is another kind of Controller that doesnt do it through aggression but through
manipulation. In an even more subtle way, they will control you.
My example is Delilah, the girlfriend of Samson.
The Bible says Samson loved Delilah. But it doesnt say that Delilah loved Samson. Instead,
Delilah used Samson. Delilah needed Samson. (When will we realize that need is different
from love?) As you read the story, you realize that Delilah never loved Samson at all.
Remember, Controllers are Users, and Delilah was a Controller. (Do you know of any
Users in your life?)
One day, Delilah was approached by her Philistine leaders. They wanted to capture Samson
but couldnt because of his magical strength. So they offered her 1,100 Shekels from each
of them if she could discover the secret of his supernatural strength.
So she went to Samson and asked, How can anyone capture you?
First, he lied. Samson said, If you tie me with brand new ropes, Ill be as weak as any
man. And while he slept, Delilah tied him up with brand new ropes and called the soldiers
of the Philistine leaders to capture him. But like snapping thread, Samson broke free from
the ropes and chased after the men.
Wasnt that enough proof for Delilahs deception?
If I were Samson, I would simply have said to her, Delilah, youre a snake. You dont love
me. This relationship is over. Get out of my life!
But Samson didnt do it. He tolerated her. And so Delilah sat on the lap of Samson and with
a pout and a hurt look, she said, You dont love me, Samson (Her finger probably toying
with his hair.)
But I do! Samson said defensively.
No, you dont, she purred, You lied to me. You havent told me the secret of your
strength. (Controllers like turning the table and pointing your mistakes, while hiding their
glaring mistakes.)
Finally, out of exasperation, Samson says, Okay, okay! Cut my hair and Ill be as weak as
any man.[6] And while he slept, Delilah cut his hair. We know the end of the story.
Samson was captured, his eyes gouged out, and he was imprisoned until he died while
pushing two pillars.
Because Samson loved Delilah, he was desperate to believe in the lie that she also loved
him. But she didnt.
Who are the Delilahs in your life?
Heres the truth: Samson may have been romantically attracted to Delilah, but he really
didnt love her. If he really loved her, he would have told her off and shooed her away. That
was the kind of love she needed.
Toxic Person #5:
Those Who Pass Their Responsibilities To You
One day, a woman was chatting with her neighbor.
I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five hundred Peso bill to a bum.
Wow, you gave a bum five hundred Pesos? her neighbor asked, My gosh, thats a lot of
money. What did your husband say about it?
Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do, she said, my husband said, Thanks.
Many people are just like that woman. They have bums in their lives, and these bums are
friends and family.
In other words, they are hosts to parasites.
Remember: In biology, parasites cant exist without a host. So the reason there are
parasites is because there are people who like to play the role of host.
Are you a host to a human parasite? Someone who depends on you for money? Or for
housing? Or for your service?
The human parasite isnt a quadriplegic lying down in bed with a feeding tube stuck to his
throat. The parasite is an otherwise healthy human being that simply wants you to be
responsible for his life, period. He doesnt want to take responsibility for his own life. He
looks to you for his sole salvation. If you dont help him, hell die.
Deep inside, you feel used. You really want to say No more! but you cant because you
feel guilty. In the process, you have lost your boundaries. When you do, there is so much
inner pain within, and you escape through your hidden addictions.
Bad news: You think youre doing good, but you really arent.
Theres A Difference Between
Feeling Good And Doing Good

Giving to a parasite makes you feel good.

But that doesnt make it good. (Yep, theres a difference.)
It assuages your guilt. But in fact, youre causing more harm than good. Youre really a
thief. Youre stealing their self-worth. More than that, when you take away the bad
consequences of their irresponsibility through your constant rescuing, you take away the
fuel that would have forced them to change.
Some justify helping a parasite by quoting Galatians 6:2 when St. Paul says, Carry each
other burdens But 3 verses later, St. Paul also says, Each one should carry his own
load. That means if a parasite asks for your help, the best way to help him is to say No.
I give a lot. Dole outs are fine when theres a real emergency. But I stop giving when his
daily life becomes an emergency. Because most of my giving is focused on teaching people
how to fish, not just giving fish. I give when I know the person will learn how to stand on
his own two feet one day.
Finally, theres a last type of Toxic Person you need to avoid
Toxic Person #6:
Those Who Whine About Life and Invalidate You
There are people who are constantly negativeand they suck your energy dry. Believe me,
after talking with them, you feel as though the sky is darker, the world is uglier, and life is
more miserable than ever.
Whiners complain about everything. The heat. The cold. The boss. The money. The
government. On and on and on. It never stops.
Whiners are bad, but invalidators are worse. Invalidators are whiners too, but instead of
just criticizing the world, they specialize in criticizing you. When you mention a plan, a
dream, or an original idea, youll hear an invalidator say, You? Do that? Hell roll up his
eyes, shake his head, and smirk. These pompous know-it-alls believe they know you and
your future more than God. Before an invalidator, youll always remain small. Size up the
invalidators friends, and youll discover other small people who bow down to his
majesty.
Whiners will steal away your joy. Invalidators will steal away your dreams. If you dont
watch out, theyll infect you with their virus and youll become a professional cynic like
them.
Whiners and invalidators are losers. If your friends are losers, get a new set of friends. Im
not saying that you dump them. God wants you to love them. But you dont have to
hangout with them. Instead, hangout with people who respect you. And people who inspire
you. And people who put their energies to build up rather than destroy. And people of life
and beauty and love.
By The Way, Are You The Toxic Person?
Avoiding toxic people is difficult.
Avoiding being the toxic person is even more difficult.
What if youre the abuser, or controller, or manipulator, or parasite, or whiner, or
invalidator?
Ask people close by for their honest feedback.
If they say, Yes, own up to your behavior, quick. And get to work!
(What youll do is beyond the scope of this article, but I hope to discuss that another time.)
Step #2:
Say Yes to Terrific People
What is shaping you now?
The Good Book says, Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his
friend.[7] If youre with terrific people, then these terrific people are sharpening you.
Terrific Person #1: Those Who Nourish You Emotionally
Terrific Person #2: Those Who Nourish You Spiritually
Terrific Person #3: Those Who Nourish You Intellectually
Terrific Person #4: Spend Time With God, Who Else?
Terrific Person #1:
Those Who Nourish You Emotionally
There are really only two types of great people in this world.
The first type of great person: After talking to him, you walk out impressed at how great
that person is. You are dwarfed by his greatness.
Heres the second type of great person: After talking to him, you walk out impressed at how
great you are. You walk out a giant yourselfas big or even bigger than that great person.
Hang out with the second type of great person.
Hang out with people who make you feel important, respected, and worthy.
One of my mentors has a powerful way of making me feel important.
Hes a true blue, genuine Billionaire. But he treats me like I was more important than he is.
Its the small things that he does that make me leave his presence believing Im special.
The way he listens to me. The way he respects my opinion. The way he doesnt laugh at my
silly questions. Even common sense courtesy and respect. For example, after our meeting in
his office, hell walk with me to my car. He wont leave me until he knows Im in my car and
ready to go. Small things that tell me Im a great man.
Look for people like that.
Terrific Person #2:
Those Who Nourish You Spiritually
Youre a soul with a temporary earthly existence.
Thus, your most important need is to be spiritually nourished.
Thats why I preach at the FEAST every Sunday. (Join us at Ballroom at Valle Verde Country
Club, beside ULTRA, every 7:30am or 10:00am, whichever you prefer.) I believe that many
people are spiritually malnourished and they need Gods Word in their lives.
But more than knowledge, a spiritual leader should feed you with Gods love.
How? By his own love for you.
He doesnt teach you because of pride. He teaches you because of love.
Thats where I want to growand boy do I have a long way to go.
When a spiritual leader believes hes better, holier, and more righteous than anyone else in
church, be wary. A good spiritual leader knows his faults and acknowledges them before
everyone.
Look for your source of regularly spiritual nourishment.
Terrific Person #3:
Those Who Nourish You Intellectually
Do you have dreams?
Who are the people in the world that have already fulfilled your dream?
Hang out with themand pick their brains.
Listen to their talks. Read their books. Attend their seminars.
There are two kinds of teachers. The first kind of teacher has a lot of book knowledge and
nothing else. The second type of teacher has experiential knowledge, with mud on her
shoes, blisters on her hands, and scars in her heart. Shes someone who teaches from her
battlefield experience. Look for the second type of teacher.
For example, if I want to grow my organization, Light of Jesus, to the next level, I had to
search for the second type of teacher: Those who actually built huge organizations.
So one day, I visited Bro. Mike Velarde of El Shaddai to learn from him. Bro. Mike and I may
have different styles and beliefs (and different fashion tastes too), but as an organizer, no
one can match his ability to gather one million people in Luneta. Bro. Mike has been so kind
and gracious to me, sharing his vast experience. You may not like his red barong, but if you
can build an organization as big as El Shaddai (probably 8 million members),I guess you can
wear any kind of barong you want.
And would you believe? Im also learning church-building strategies from Pastor Apollo
Quiboloy, now heading 3-million members in only 22 short years. I dont agree with his
theology. When were together, my Bishop friends and I debate with him about his
doctrines. (We regularly meet because were all members of the Presidential Council for
Values Formation under Malacanang, working for the country.) But that doesnt stop me
from admiring Pastor Apollos excellent leadership skills. So when we meet, aside from
theological debate, I sit down with him and learn his church-building strategies. Pastor
Apollo has been very gracious to me too, and Ive learned a lot in the area of church
growth.
I also have financial mentors who are millionaires and billionaires.
I have family mentors who have great marriages and are fantastic parents.
I have spiritual mentors who live with profound love and holiness and inspire me to do the
same.
Go and get terrific people in your life.
Dont Get Derailed When Your
Old Friends Become Jealous
Ive expanded my inner circle of friends.
Sometimes, my old inner circle becomes jealous. They say in Taglish, Bo, others ka na.
They say that I have replaced them.
No, I have not. Ive not replaced my inner circle, Ive just expanded it.
My inner circle now includes leaders, preachers, businessmen, real estate investors,
bishops, computer gurus, marketing experts, educators, authors, etc.
In fact, if you want to keep on growing, youve got to keep growing your inner circle of
friends. Theres no other way.
One last thing: Check the net-worth of the people you hangout with. Most likely, youll
mirror each others average income. If you want an increase in your income, hangout with
people who earn, save, invest, and give more than you do. Learn from them! (Let me pitch
my seminar this November 3, 2007, How to Be Truly Rich Seminar. For more details, call
Beckie at Tel. (632) 7229562. Learn how to be financially free! I urge you call now before
you run out of seatsbecause we always have to reject applicants for lack of space.)
Terrific Person #4:
Spend Time With God, Who Else?
Need I say more?
Jesus was committed to daily prayer: And in the morning, rising up a great while before
day, he (Jesus) went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed.[8]
But heres the problem: Many people dont worship God, but a caricature of God.
If you really examine their God, Hes cruel, legalistic, insecure, and tyrannical.
We need to change our image of God, because we become exactly like the God we worship.
In the end, we too will become cruel, legalistic, insecure, and tyrannical. (Have you ever
wondered why many religious people are poor reflections of the love of God? This is the
reason.)
Well discuss more of this in another article very soon.
Step #3:
Control Your Media
Remember the two powerful forces that shape your life.
First are relationships.
Second is media.
Like relationships, say No to toxic media and say Yes to terrific media.
When it comes to media, remember one very important thing: You have very limited time.
Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, has exactly the same amount of hours a beggar
has. When it comes to time, were all equal.
So if you watch dumb, useless, mindless, inane TV shows like those broadcasted today,
youre throwing away precious timeand money. Time that you should have used for more
inspiring media.
People wonder why theres no growth in their life.
One probable answer: Because they waste so much time in front of the TV set. Noonday
shows. Showbiz gossip. Telenovelas.
I urge you to read inspiring books instead. Or watch great movies. Or listen to terrific talks.
If you want to grow, control your media.
Conclusion:
Are You The Good Samaritan?
I know.
The most controversial part in this article is saying No to Toxic People.
But let me insist that one of the reasons why we have hidden addictions is because were
escaping from the inner pain of having no personal boundaries. We keep on saying yes to
toxic people, were actually losing control of our lives. This lost of control is maddening and
subconsciously drives us to where we seemingly feel have controlour hidden addiction.
When we drink, or smoke, or lust, or shop constantly, or eat compulsively, or become
religiously addicted, we feel some semblance of control. (Obviously, its fake. We really have
no control over this area as well.)
Friend, you need to set boundaries. Or the world will conquer you.
If you grew up listening to sermons about the Good Samaritan[9] in Church , you were
trained to help people and feel guilty when you dont.
Remember the story? A guy was robbed and left dying on the road. A Priest and a Teacher
of the Law passed by and didnt bother to stop. The Samaritan however stopped, bandaged
his wounds, took him in an inn, and paid for all his expenses.
Wow, what a loving man.
But we usually take for granted a very important part of that story: After helping the
wounded man, the Good Samaritan actually left him with the inn keeper because he had to
take care of his own business! He didnt forget his own life! How could he keep on helping if
he doesnt keep earning from his business?
Heres another lesson: The Good Samaritan also asked help from othersthe innkeeper.
Because you dont help alone. Youre not superman.
Friend, be the Good Samaritan.
Because the Good Samaritan didnt love others only.
He also loved himself.
My friend, if you want to create a new inner world, you need to create a new outer world.
Jesus said, And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the wine will burst the
skins, and the wine is lost, and so are the skins; but new wine is for fresh skins.
God is giving you new wine for your life.
Make new wineskins!
I remain your friend,
Bo Sanchez